The Night I Got in Trouble....and a list {but of course!}

I have the world's best blog readers and friends.

Thank you for loving on me over this post. My husband is handling it, which means I don't have to, which means I should probably stop eating chocolate and blaming it on the stress of how to handle The Situation of the Not So Nice Email.

Can we do another random post? "But you just did a random post on Monday!" I know. But it's the way my mind is working right now.

Think it.

Write it.

Do it.

Check it off.

Sometimes (but don't tell anyone) the order goes a little like this:

Do it.

Write it.

Check it off.

That way at least one thing gets done from the list. Hey, it makes me feel better.

So, Thursday list day. Here goes.

I'm currently in a state of panic. We'll officially be starting Chaos Schoolhouse in our home on September 6th. Yep, curriculum is purchased, it sat on the floor of my living room for 2.5 weeks until I opened it, smelled all things book and then boxed it back up! Then I waited another week to shelve it. Those boxes and everything inside make me a bit nauseous. How is it that Sugar is ready to start Kindergarten?!

We had set a goal of having our upstairs remodel done before September. Excuse me a sec - hahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, what lofty goals. What foolish, foolish goals. I was hoping (key word here) that the bedroom we're in now (which is also the laundry room) would be made into a classroomish kind of place. Not that we'll do school in there but I'd love to have a place for all the books, papers, straight jackets, pencils, crayons, etc.

Last night I faced reality.

It's not going to happen.

Besides this weekend we only have one more available weekend to work on it. I had posted on FB that we'd like people to come over this weekend to help if they felt so inclined. I had a taker! And then I told my husband, "hey, Honey! Guess what!? Ted and Kristie are going to come help on Saturday, can you believe it?! AND, she's bringing me a bread machine! And you think all the time I spend on Facebook is for nothing...."

Then he quit talking to me.

{big sigh}

Apparently you shouldn't advertise that you're needing help when *ahem* you don't need help.

So, we'll be working on our house on Saturday. But we don't need help. Nuh uh. We got this one covered. Uh huh...

I thought I had more to add to my list but my state of panic pretty much sums me up at the moment.

It's consuming me.

I Choose

In May (or was it June?) of last year I received a very hurtful email.

From a "friend."

This person read my blog. Was someone I saw weekly. Spent time with. Thought I could trust.

One very warm afternoon as I pulled into the Costco parking lot, I pulled out my iPhone to check my email real quick and was excited to see an email from my "friend." Turns out I need not be excited but thankful that I was sitting down. She trashed me. She thought she was being helpful, I think. But really she just trashed me. Mostly, she trashed my beliefs.

And that's what really got me.

Most of you know I struggle with feeling down. Easily. Often.

Too often.

I beat myself up regularly. It's kinda like brushing my teeth.

Except that brushing my teeth is just a twice a day deal and beating myself up can often be an all day thing. What I'm saying is, is the negative thoughts I think toward myself is like second nature to me.

Always has been.

I fear it always will be.

I got another email.

Another email trashing me.

From someone closer.

Every thought I think about myself was confirmed in this email.

I know I'm fat but to have someone tell you that you are...wow.

There just aren't words.

To have someone throw your past in your face. The past you've tried to forgive yourself for, the past you've asked forgiveness for...owie.

To be blamed for something you're not responsible for...it's almost too much.

To be lied about. An out and out lie...a big one. One you can't defend, one you can't prove to not be true...I just don't even know what to do with that.

Last night I was sick. In my stomach. In my heart. We went to my in-laws, a place I love to be, and I just couldn't focus on my time with them. Today I went there to apologzie to them.

There's not going to be a response to the email I was sent. Because there's just nothing I can say.

My husband said he'd respond for me. That he would take care of it. I cannot tell you how loved and treasured I feel knowing I can let this go.

It's not going to be easy. The words were hurtful. So direct. So hateful.

But, I've been forgiven much.

I will forgive much.

Mondays are for Lists....and Laundry

Happy Monday!

Can those two words even be in the same sentence?

Sure, why not?

How about a random list? It's Monday. And Mondays are all about making lists...at least that's what I do on Mondays.

At 7 am this morning I spilled a glass of milk in the fridge.

At 8:30 am I got dressed in the kitchen. I have no idea why, I just did.

I have a whole lotta laundry that needs to be done. First thing in the washer should be the towel used to clean the milk from the fridge.

Said goodbye to my nieces yesterday. Made my heart hurt.

Faced my fear of water on Saturday and went tubing. The day after the 11th anniversary of my dad drowning. I was proud of me.

Now every muscle in my upper body feels like I've been hit by a truck.

I may wait another 11 years to go tubing.

My neighbor's dog barks all night. And craps in my yard all day. I'm pretty much sick of it. They've been great neighbors for the five years they've lived next door so I don't know how to approach the situation. But SOMETHING must be done!

It's supposed to be 102 in our town today. 101 tomorrow and Wednesday and high 90's the rest of the week. Hello, Summer, I was wondering when you'd get here.

Asked my husband last night if there's anything about our new budget that he doesn't like. There isn't anything. We both love it.

Sugar is looking at the Kindergarten curriculum boxes that have been sitting in the living room for a couple of weeks and announced she's ready to start school. Glad one of us is.

We have five zucchini plants in our garden.

We're morons.

We also planted pumpkins. A bit early. If you'd like Halloween in August, we're your people! Pumpkins should be ready at the end of the month.

Again, we're morons.

The laundry pile hasn't started washing itself yet.

I'm beginning to wonder if my writing this post is playing into that.

Okay, random post complete.

My laundry pile needs me.

{for the first time in 11 years} i'm not going to lock myself in the bathroom and cry

It's now been 11 years since my dad died.

11 YEARS.

Doesn't seem possible.

When I was 11 he was still sending me carnations on Valentine's Day. I was still going to his house on occasional weekends. When I was 11 our relationship was still awkward. Something that would never change.

I feel like I'm the most emotionally healthy I've been on this icky anniversary. Most years I can be found a wreck. Not publicly. But if you were to see me in the bathroom, slouched down on the floor, bawling...you'd see I was a mess. I don't see that happening this year.

It's not that I don't miss him.

Because I do.

I always do.

Everyday.

It's just that this year I'm learning to not let guilt eat me alive. I've always felt so guilty that I didn't make a point of seeing him more while I was growing up. Or calling him once a week. Or month for that matter.

I used to feel guilty for stuff that I realize I have no reason to feel guilty for.

I was the kid.

He and my mom could have worked something out for me to see him more often.

It just didn't happen.



I kinda hate that.

I wish so much that seeing him on a regular basis had been a priority to them. I know it wasn't always my favorite thing - going to visit him. Since our relationship was just...awkward. Still, he was my dad.

And I was his daughter.

I am his daughter.

He may be gone. But I'm a part of him.

I look like him.

I laugh like him.

I have a big nose like him.

I'm left-handed like him.

He liked beer...hey, I do too!

He was an amazing artist...and I can draw a stick person that everyone would be jealous of!

I have a dip under my chin - he had that also. I've passed it on to my youngest daughter. It's not the greatest thing to pass on...a double chin. But I like it anyway.

He loved to laugh. Me too.

He loved his friends. And so do I.

He lived with his parents for his 40 years of life...oh, guess the buck stops there. ☺

The other night we took the girls for a walk. The cemetery is almost directly behind our house...it's very very close. Yet, we've never taken the girls there. We walked to his headstone. Second row, 9th one over. The headstone is simple. Its him.

We tried to explain to Sugar. It wasn't easy but after a little bit she understood.

"So, he was my grandpa?"

"Did he love me?"

"Did he hold me?"

These questions broke my heart. He never held her. Never got to love her. Oh, but he would have. I just know it!

I think it was good to take them there. Even though it was hard.

I'm not someone who will ever make regular trips to the cemetery. I just won't. My dad isn't actually there. Just a headstone. But I realized that I don't like going there because it just reiterates the fact that he died. He drown. He's gone.

I won't see him smile or hear his laugh. There won't ever be another awkward hug. Though I'd take an awkward hug over no hug anyday. He won't ever hold his granddaughters or teach them to play softball. He also won't ever give them beer the way he did me when I was little!

These things make me sad.

For sure.

But I'm so thankful I knew him. That I have heard his laugh. That I have seen him smile. That I have his big nose...wait, did I just say that?

I don't want to dwell on the sad part.

I just want to be thankful.

to all the high school girls who don't read my blog

Maybe it's because I have my 14.5 year old niece coming to visit.

Maybe it's because it's mid-July and that always has me thinking that summer is over and it's time for school to start.

Or, maybe it's because I got to hang out with four of my best friends from high school last week.

And, just maybe it's a combination of all of 'em.

But, I've been thinking about high school. And my friends and I were talking about high school. And even though I don't wanna go back, some days I wish I could with a little hindsight tucked in my pocket.

My last day of 8th grade I moved 45 minutes away to another town. I was going to start high school at a new school. I'd been in that school district, though, for Kinder, 2nd, 3rd, part of 5th and part of 7th grade so many of the faces would be those I knew. I was excited and nervous all at the same time.

I wasn't excited about working hard to get awesome grades so I could receive scholarships. I wasn't excited about pursuing sports or joining clubs.

I was excited about boys.

Plain and simple. Boys.

I remember wondering if I'd see the boy that was my first friend from Kindergarten.

I remember wondering if I'd see the boy from church I'd just kissed on the fourth of July.

I remember wondering if older boys would like me.

Thinking back on it, I'm bugged at myself.

I had fun in school. I did. But I cared more about boys than grades. Cared more about boys than making lasting friendships. {I'm so fortunate my friends are still my friends!}

If I could change things about those four years, I would. I'd be okay with just being "one of the guys" instead of being hurt by it. I'd take back almost every single kiss I gave away.

I had two boyfriends in high school {three if you count Josh} but I kissed more boys than I have fingers to hold up. If a boy isn't going to be seen with you at school but will kiss you after he drops you off at home - drop him first.

If your best friend has a serious boyfriend and spends a bunch of her time with him - don't sit at home. Make more friends. Do fun stuff. Make memories. Take pictures. Write it down. Live it up.

Don't cheat in school. Especially if you sit in the front row. Especially when the teacher is your Cross Country coach and you have to see him after school. And just because the exchange student is German, doesn't mean you should have her do your German homework for you. You're still going to get a C.

Make time for your sibling(s). Sadly, many friends come and go; however, your sister or brother is for keeps. I wish so much I'd stayed home on more Friday or Saturday nights playing games with my family. I wish I'd invested in my relationships more so that we'd be close now.

Join sports. Whether you have a friend in that sport or not. Join a sport for fun. For something to keep you busy. TV, computer, phone calls they can wait.

If you're going to TP houses and get pulled over, have the TP hidden a little better so when the cop is asking if you have some you aren't trying to kick it under the seat as you say, "no, Officer, we don't have any toilet paper."

When you and that boy break up and he starts going out with one of your best friends four days later - be okay with it. Don't write her a nasty note. And don't pine for him for the next two years. He's not worth it. However your friendship with her - is.

Do the blasted school work! All of it. More than you've been asked to do. Study like crazy. Then study some more. Stop studying the boy who sits in front you and the boy who sits beside you. One of them is going to be a complete and total loser even at age 31. The other one is cute but he likes boys.

Obey your parents. Don't deceive them. Trust them. Be trustworthy. Ask your friends over to your house. Your parents are cooler than you think. Your friends are only there for the food anyway, they aren't paying attention to your mom being a goof. Okay, maybe they are but it'll give 'em something to talk about 16 years later.

Don't gossip. Don't be that girl. Judge less. You never know what a girl or guy's home life is like. Be a friend. Always. If you happen to be a teenage guy reading this {pfft} and your girlfriend's little sister comes in the house asking at the top of her lungs if food stamps buy candy - just smile. Maybe she'll buy you some.

Make decisions at age 14-18 that ten years later you don't regret. Don't do anything with a boy that one day you'll dread telling your fiance.

College is right around the corner. It's not for everyone. But work hard enough in high school that you can go to the college you want to go to.

And now I'm done.

For now.

Any advice you wished you'd been given? Anything you'd do different if you could go back to high school?

blah...blah...and blah some more!

::::Blogging MoJo out the window::::

i’ve come to realize that my chest-size… is very likely the reason my back hurts all the live long day.

i’ve come to realize that my job… has no supervisor, no paycheck but i work 24/7 with a whole lotta awesome benefits. even though i moan and groan about my "job" - i love it. wouldn't trade it.

i’ve come to realize that when i’m driving… i gots me a whole lotta road rage. people who drive here either don't have a license, insurance or a green card so they all drive 15 mph UNDER the dadgum speed limit.

i’ve come to realize that i need… to listen more, talk less.

i’ve come to realize that i have lost… my mind. should you find it, please return it asap. thanks so much.

i’ve come to realize that i hate… dog hair, bugs who eat my garden and living 3.5 hrs from my SIL.

i’ve come to realize that if i’m drunk… it's been a while since i've been drunk {i don't recommend EVER being drunk} but i talk too loud, laugh too much and usually make a fool outta myself. hmm...no different than when i'm sober!

i’ve come to realize that money… does not grow on trees, is best when budgeted and is something we have enough of to pay bills and buy the occasional Starbucks. (God Bless Starbucks)

i’ve come to realize that certain people… are nice, some are jerks and i probably fall into the category of the latter more days than not.

i’ve come to realize that my siblings(s)… they both make life interesting, for completely different reasons. i have a relationship with one and am oh so thankful for that. and i don't talk to the other, which i'm {sadly} totally used to after 26 years.

i’ve come to realize that my mom… is like no other mom out there. i just received a card in the mail from her, addressed to "Crap Bag" and i'm not even kidding. she's a riot.

i’ve come to realize that when i woke up this morning… i had a five year old little girl in bed with me.

i’ve come to realize that my first love is… a funny thing. when i think of my first love, i think of my first high school relationship because that was the first person i said "i love you" to. but my first true love? i've come to realize he's steady where i waiver, he's serious where i'm ridiculous, he's calm where i'm...usually not, he's at work where i'm...at the computer.

i’ve come to realize that right now i am thinking about… my niece coming to visit for a week. i've DREAMED of the day when i could have her all to myself and now i get the chance! thankful for a SIL that trusts me {and her brother i s'pose} with her firstborn for an entire week.

i’ve come to realize that my dad… lives about a block away, yet last night was the first time i've visited him in years.

i’ve come to realize that when i get on facebook… i stay a leeeetle bit too long.

i’ve come to realize that today… is house cleaning day and with so much of it done yesterday, today should be a breeze!

i’ve come to realize that my best friend... i don't know. but i'll found out soon. beyond...beyond excited.

i’ve come to realize that my spouse… doesn't communicate well. we need to work on this. maybe if i talked less he'd have a chance, huh? ;)

i’ve come to realize that i really want to… get another tattoo {thanks for reminding me, denise} lose 30 lbs, write a book and drink some coffee.

i’ve come to realize that life… is what i make of it on a daily basis.

i’ve come to realize that this weekend… is gonna ROCK.

i’ve come to realize that next weekend… i'll be camping with the in-laws...all of 'em! so excited.

i’ve come to realize that my children… need me. a lot.

i’ve come to realize that when life gives you lemons… put 'em in a pretty bowl with some limes and set them on your table.

thanks Michelle for the post idea.

I do the dishes now but he loves me just the same as the days he was doing them.

Sunday is our 12th wedding anniversary.

Twelve years.

At year six, I never would have thought we'd see this day.

Never.

That was the year we filed for divorce.

We were done.

Through.

Finished.

Tired.

Over it.

It's not a time we talk about all that often.

But I know that as soon as we started the divorce process - I was sad.

Scared.

Lonely.

Regretful.

Miserable.

Wrong.

I'm sitting here trying to remember those days. They were dark days. As much I love summer, I often find myself in my darkest days during the most daylight filled hours of the year.

I'd lay in bed and try to think of all the things he did that annoyed me. Tried to justify why we were apart. I'd lay there and think I wasn't worthy of him anyhow. More justifying on my part. I'd think about how he'd brush my hair at night before we went to sleep. And I'd ache in my heart. I'd think about how he'd forgiven me for every wrong doing. And the tears would slide down my face and fall into my ears.

I'd think about his smile. His laugh. His hands. Oh, his hands. I'd think about his generosity. His desire to help anyone and everyone. Putting everyone before himself. Always.

I'd think of all the times he did the dishes. Washed his own clothes. Folded his own clothes and yes, put away his own clothes. He packed his own lunches. Made his own breakfast. And cleaned the house.

How in the world could he want me? Why in the world would he want me?

But he did. He does. For reasons that I'll never understand - this man loves me. He loved me then and he loves me now.

I'll never understand it.

However, I'll be forever grateful for it.

Happy Anniversary, love of my life. Thank you for loving me every day. Thank you for your patience with me as I continue to grow up. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for the life you provide me. Thank you for understanding my addiction to Starbucks.

And thank you for brushing my hair at night.

Hello

It's been a bit since I've blogged.

I've been reading your posts. Just not writing my own.

I'll update later. Right now I have sleeping children so I'm going to sit down with a book and enjoy some peace and quiet.

xoxo,
Sarah