A couple of nights ago I wasn't in the best mood.
I should have been.
Tons of work has been getting done around here and the other evening was definitely a productive time. But I was grouchy and so was Josh. And it's such a rare occasion for him to be like that, so when he is, it totally throws my game.
I was mad.
Partly at him.
Partly at nothing, just felt like being grouchy.
And I just felt - off.
And I just felt like there was something that could easily make me better.
My dad.
I wanted to call my dad. I wanted to drive across town. I wanted to pull in the driveway of my grandparent's place, with the shop where my dad ran his business and had a room he called home.
I wanted to go in there, plop myself down in the swivel chair and watch him work. I wanted there to be that ridiculous uncomfortable silence we always had. I wanted to talk to him about anything superficial. I wanted to listen to him talk football or Coors Light. Or about that girl he dated who called me a stick in the mud. I just wanted to be near him.
I wanted to see his smile.
And hear his laugh.
I wanted to talk to him about life.
I wanted my dad.
I just wanted my dad.
But of course that can't happen. Hasn't been able to happen for 12 and a half years.
So I went to bed upset. But was so emotionally drained that I didn't have much time to dwell on the poor me my dad is dead. And I quickly fell asleep.
Today.
Today while putting on my make up I felt a wrenching in my heart. And what very nearly felt like a physical punch to the gut. I was consumed with...with just a sadness. A sadness I can't fully explain. Just a holy crap, I miss my dad like mad, wish I could hug him just.one.more.time kinda feeling.
And I totally lost it.
Grief often hits when we least expect it. It just happens to be extremely inconvenient when it hits while you're applying mascara.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Oh Em Gee
It is freaking snowing.
Like SNOWING.
I want my mommy.
Or summer.
Neither are likely to happen until 2012.
My life totally blows.
Today I took a snow day from school before it actually started snowing. I've been on a rampage in our house to purge it. I'm being pretty ruthless. Oh, you love that stuffed dog?
TOO BAD!
toss in the black garbage bag of death.
Now, if it's a pair of itty bitty sandals that both girls wore as babies? Now that's where this mama's heart gets all weepy and sappy and just can't part with it and ohhh, let's put deez widdle fings in a twophy case where everyone can see how cute your feet used to be!
I'm a whole lot of ridiculous.
Totally aware.
I have five bajillion magazines sitting on the floor next to me that need to be gone through. I could just toss them out. But you know that most amazing recipe for that most amazing somethingorother? Yeah, it's somewhere in that stack of magazines and were I to throw them out without going through them? Well, that would be a tragedy.
My children are down for naps, I have Starbucks in my hand and the heater is on. I'm thinking it's a good time to sort thru those mags.
Hopefully there's no cute itty bitty baby shoes on every page or I won't be able to toss 'em.
Like SNOWING.
I want my mommy.
Or summer.
Neither are likely to happen until 2012.
My life totally blows.
Today I took a snow day from school before it actually started snowing. I've been on a rampage in our house to purge it. I'm being pretty ruthless. Oh, you love that stuffed dog?
TOO BAD!
toss in the black garbage bag of death.
Now, if it's a pair of itty bitty sandals that both girls wore as babies? Now that's where this mama's heart gets all weepy and sappy and just can't part with it and ohhh, let's put deez widdle fings in a twophy case where everyone can see how cute your feet used to be!
I'm a whole lot of ridiculous.
Totally aware.
I have five bajillion magazines sitting on the floor next to me that need to be gone through. I could just toss them out. But you know that most amazing recipe for that most amazing somethingorother? Yeah, it's somewhere in that stack of magazines and were I to throw them out without going through them? Well, that would be a tragedy.
My children are down for naps, I have Starbucks in my hand and the heater is on. I'm thinking it's a good time to sort thru those mags.
Hopefully there's no cute itty bitty baby shoes on every page or I won't be able to toss 'em.
When I grow up I wanna be a bear
I typed out the title to the post before I've even really thought about what I'm going to write. Most likely whatever I write about, by the end, will have no relation to the title.
Surprise.
Surprise.
It's cold. I hate the cold. I considered quitting shaving a coupla weeks ago when I saw frost on the grass when I woke up in the morning.
I remember when Josh and I mowed lawns for a living (oh the glory days) (not really, 40+ lawns isn't always fun) and we would always get excited to wake up to frost on the grass. It meant that the grass would not be growing anymore and our mowing days were dwindling. There were a few customers who wanted their lawns mowed into late November and I think even a couple we did into December.
I used to like the frost.
But now I don't.
Growing up my mom always made it seem so exciting when we'd set the clocks back and she'd light candles and turn on lamps and make it cozy in our house. I used to love Fall. Now, as an adult, as a parent, I realize why the heck she was so excited about it getting dark earlier.
Meant she could tell us it was bedtime and since it was dark, we wouldn't and didn't question her. Did I not learn to tell time til I was a teenager or what??
I like that it gets dark earlier only so that if the girls missed their nap for the day (like yesterday, grrr) I can put them to bed at 7 and it's dark and sometimes they'll fall asleep.
I like the coziness of the house in the Fall evenings. I love the colors of the leaves in the Fall. Until they all fall off the trees and we have a bajillion leaves to pick up.
But I don't like how early it gets dark. I can no longer ride my bike to the gym during the week because my bicycle is not equipped with headlights (hehe, except when it's cold) (sorry) and Josh isn't a big fan of me riding in the dark. I rode to the gym on Sunday because class is at 3, lasts an hour and was still light enough for me to head home afterward. He ended up meeting me when I was 13.5 miles into my ride home. Totally coulda made it the rest of the way in the dark but I'm thankful he was willing to come get me.
During the dead of winter I usually stop shaving my legs. Lucky Josh, huh? It's my only way to make sure I'm going to stay warm. But I couldn't stick with it. I went a coupla weeks but prickly legs in spandex does not feel good.
In case you were wanting to know that.
My scale is my new best friend (sorry, Amber). It's showing some loooow numbers these days. I've decided to buy new clothes soon. And first up will be a pair of fancy boots. With fur. I bought a dress while visiting Treena this summer and yes, it's a summer dress but it has warm colors and I'm thinking if I pair it with boots and a sweater, I can get away with wearing it. Or maybe my sense of style is completely wrong and I'll look like an idiot. This is most likely the case.
Apparently I need a stylist. The one I've asked to help isn't willing. *ahem*
So. Furry boots. They're on my list.
That way I don't need to grow out my leg hairs.
Also. Feeling more tired lately. I need to start setting my alarm. I often wake up at 7:45 in the morning lately! That's awful! So maybe I am turning into that bear. Getting ready to hibernate. Can you imagine? No diaper changing. No cooking or cleaning. No school. Just sleep.
Precious, precious sleep.
However, there would not be corn dogs if I were hibernating. Nor would there be peanut butter Snickers. Or Starbucks.
Maybe I don't wanna be a bear when I grow up after all.
Surprise.
Surprise.
It's cold. I hate the cold. I considered quitting shaving a coupla weeks ago when I saw frost on the grass when I woke up in the morning.
I remember when Josh and I mowed lawns for a living (oh the glory days) (not really, 40+ lawns isn't always fun) and we would always get excited to wake up to frost on the grass. It meant that the grass would not be growing anymore and our mowing days were dwindling. There were a few customers who wanted their lawns mowed into late November and I think even a couple we did into December.
I used to like the frost.
But now I don't.
Growing up my mom always made it seem so exciting when we'd set the clocks back and she'd light candles and turn on lamps and make it cozy in our house. I used to love Fall. Now, as an adult, as a parent, I realize why the heck she was so excited about it getting dark earlier.
Meant she could tell us it was bedtime and since it was dark, we wouldn't and didn't question her. Did I not learn to tell time til I was a teenager or what??
I like that it gets dark earlier only so that if the girls missed their nap for the day (like yesterday, grrr) I can put them to bed at 7 and it's dark and sometimes they'll fall asleep.
I like the coziness of the house in the Fall evenings. I love the colors of the leaves in the Fall. Until they all fall off the trees and we have a bajillion leaves to pick up.
But I don't like how early it gets dark. I can no longer ride my bike to the gym during the week because my bicycle is not equipped with headlights (hehe, except when it's cold) (sorry) and Josh isn't a big fan of me riding in the dark. I rode to the gym on Sunday because class is at 3, lasts an hour and was still light enough for me to head home afterward. He ended up meeting me when I was 13.5 miles into my ride home. Totally coulda made it the rest of the way in the dark but I'm thankful he was willing to come get me.
During the dead of winter I usually stop shaving my legs. Lucky Josh, huh? It's my only way to make sure I'm going to stay warm. But I couldn't stick with it. I went a coupla weeks but prickly legs in spandex does not feel good.
In case you were wanting to know that.
My scale is my new best friend (sorry, Amber). It's showing some loooow numbers these days. I've decided to buy new clothes soon. And first up will be a pair of fancy boots. With fur. I bought a dress while visiting Treena this summer and yes, it's a summer dress but it has warm colors and I'm thinking if I pair it with boots and a sweater, I can get away with wearing it. Or maybe my sense of style is completely wrong and I'll look like an idiot. This is most likely the case.
Apparently I need a stylist. The one I've asked to help isn't willing. *ahem*
So. Furry boots. They're on my list.
That way I don't need to grow out my leg hairs.
Also. Feeling more tired lately. I need to start setting my alarm. I often wake up at 7:45 in the morning lately! That's awful! So maybe I am turning into that bear. Getting ready to hibernate. Can you imagine? No diaper changing. No cooking or cleaning. No school. Just sleep.
Precious, precious sleep.
However, there would not be corn dogs if I were hibernating. Nor would there be peanut butter Snickers. Or Starbucks.
Maybe I don't wanna be a bear when I grow up after all.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hi, I'm not dead
Relieved, aren'tcha?
I have stuff I could blog.
Like Spice wearing 6 pairs of underwear over her diaper.
Like Sugar's tooth is loose and I now understand why my mother had such a fascination for wanting to pull my teeth out when I was a kid.
Like how I've met several of the most funny peeps ever from Twitter, in real life in the last week. Last night I laughed harder than I've laughed in ages because of these folks.
I could also tell you that I'm considering pole dancing classes. I could also tell you that when I mentioned this to Josh his response, after laughing aloud, was to ask if I needed a job.
I could tell you how when I talked to my FIL on the phone yesterday he told me he loved me before he hung up. And how, having your dad say those words is salve to any heart wound.
I could tell you how it's weird to not have my mom around. How it hurts my mama heart when Spice says, "I miss her." Or Sugar says, "it feels like we'll never see her again." They voice aloud what I keep to myself.
There was also the instance last week that I never shared. When I went to Victoria's Secret to buy new undergarments, as mine are too big, and before going to VS I was tweeting with my friends about male associates at VS and it was brought up that men would be on a waiting list to get that job. Well, let me just tell you that I about DIED when I was holding a hot pink thong and some kid, some male kid says to me, "are you finding everything you need?" I choked. And dropped the panties. And told him that I was finding everything I needed. Then immediately tweeted that THERE IS A MALE ASSOCIATE IN VICTORIA'S SECRET! And that I was old enough to be his mom. You know, if I'd birthed him at 14.
It was funny. Maybe you had to be there. Or on Twitter.
I could tell you about an email from Chelsea that I got this morning talking about her horse and his parts and how we almost assaulted him for no reason. Thank goodness she paid a vet to come check him out so we uh, didn't have to check him out for all the wrong reasons.
There's also the funny little story about how I decided it was a good time to get back on my bike only to fall off the bike. Twice. And have a bruise that takes up almost the entire left thigh.
Today I was at McDonald's with friends when I run into a friend of mine from high school (I mighta mentioned him a time or 12 on this blog. I always try to disguise who he is though.) :) He had his niece and nephew with him. And his nephew (who happens to be the son of one of my best friends, Candee) got stuck up in the toys at McDonald's. I told him he was going to have to get his own nephew. He told me that I was going to have to get his nephew. And so. Me. The girl so scared to death of heights, climbs into the toys at McDonald's. Climbs to the top. Finds the sweetest little boy with a tear running down his cheek just staring at me in the netted tunnel. And while I'm coaxing him along, I'm yelling at his uncle that I'm going to kill him when I get down. If I ever get down. And he, of course, just smiles. So, sweet little man and I make it through the tunnel and down the slide to his uncle. Where I'm thanked for my bravery. I sent him a message later telling him that he owed me for saving the life of his nephew.
Well, that's a little of the excitement around here. Spice wants a diaper change. Sigh...
I have stuff I could blog.
Like Spice wearing 6 pairs of underwear over her diaper.
Like Sugar's tooth is loose and I now understand why my mother had such a fascination for wanting to pull my teeth out when I was a kid.
Like how I've met several of the most funny peeps ever from Twitter, in real life in the last week. Last night I laughed harder than I've laughed in ages because of these folks.
I could also tell you that I'm considering pole dancing classes. I could also tell you that when I mentioned this to Josh his response, after laughing aloud, was to ask if I needed a job.
I could tell you how when I talked to my FIL on the phone yesterday he told me he loved me before he hung up. And how, having your dad say those words is salve to any heart wound.
I could tell you how it's weird to not have my mom around. How it hurts my mama heart when Spice says, "I miss her." Or Sugar says, "it feels like we'll never see her again." They voice aloud what I keep to myself.
There was also the instance last week that I never shared. When I went to Victoria's Secret to buy new undergarments, as mine are too big, and before going to VS I was tweeting with my friends about male associates at VS and it was brought up that men would be on a waiting list to get that job. Well, let me just tell you that I about DIED when I was holding a hot pink thong and some kid, some male kid says to me, "are you finding everything you need?" I choked. And dropped the panties. And told him that I was finding everything I needed. Then immediately tweeted that THERE IS A MALE ASSOCIATE IN VICTORIA'S SECRET! And that I was old enough to be his mom. You know, if I'd birthed him at 14.
It was funny. Maybe you had to be there. Or on Twitter.
I could tell you about an email from Chelsea that I got this morning talking about her horse and his parts and how we almost assaulted him for no reason. Thank goodness she paid a vet to come check him out so we uh, didn't have to check him out for all the wrong reasons.
There's also the funny little story about how I decided it was a good time to get back on my bike only to fall off the bike. Twice. And have a bruise that takes up almost the entire left thigh.
Today I was at McDonald's with friends when I run into a friend of mine from high school (I mighta mentioned him a time or 12 on this blog. I always try to disguise who he is though.) :) He had his niece and nephew with him. And his nephew (who happens to be the son of one of my best friends, Candee) got stuck up in the toys at McDonald's. I told him he was going to have to get his own nephew. He told me that I was going to have to get his nephew. And so. Me. The girl so scared to death of heights, climbs into the toys at McDonald's. Climbs to the top. Finds the sweetest little boy with a tear running down his cheek just staring at me in the netted tunnel. And while I'm coaxing him along, I'm yelling at his uncle that I'm going to kill him when I get down. If I ever get down. And he, of course, just smiles. So, sweet little man and I make it through the tunnel and down the slide to his uncle. Where I'm thanked for my bravery. I sent him a message later telling him that he owed me for saving the life of his nephew.
Well, that's a little of the excitement around here. Spice wants a diaper change. Sigh...
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