i've found my safe place of people

Wednesday nights.  Bible study nights.  At our church we call them GROW groups.

While I'm still a big fat mess, I do believe in the few weeks we've been attending this bible study group, I have grown.  That I'm growing.

Wednesday has quickly become my most favorite day of the week.

My favorite day because I am weak and here I get strong.

I'm that girl who goes to church on Sunday, sits in the pew that isn't a pew at all but a theater seat.  I open up my bible that inside the back cover has a bumper sticker that says, "Keep Portland Beered" and on the front cover I have written, "GOD USES BROKEN PEOPLE."  And every time I look at that I think about how broken I am and how I still hold out hope that God can use me and this brokenness.

Sundays, well that used to be the only day I would open my bible.  The only day.  I would go about my week and Saturday night would come and I would think about where my bible might be and well, it's in the car where I left it.

Because I haven't opened it.

::sigh::

I don't have to open my bible to go to Heaven.  I know this.  But I do have to open my bible if I want to grow.  If I want to learn more about Jesus.  And I do want to grow and I know I'm terrible at showing it, living it, but I really do wanna learn more about Jesus.

I've been stunted for so long.

So these last couple of weeks I go to church on Sunday and then I try to get my bible opened up again even after that day because I know Wednesday is coming and I want to be part of discussion.  Even if I don't utter any of my own thoughts, I want to at least know what's going to be talked about, and maybe just maybe one of these times I'll be brave enough to share my opinion too. So I try to go over the questions, the scripture that's outlined in our bulletin.

I go about my week while going about my weak, knowing that Wednesday is coming and Wednesday makes me feel safe. loved. received. and accepted.  Wednesdays are getting me to Sunday, where I am privileged enough to go to church and find myself again loved, received, and accepted.

I'm scared to death of small groups.  I don't like me very much.  And am sure most anyone else who gets to know me won't like me, either.  But there's so much good in getting out of our comfort zone and doing that hard thing.  For me that hard thing was joining a group of people I didn't know.  Then slowly showing me to them.  Wednesday after everyone else had left our group, I stayed behind to talk with Tony and Marci.  I know they get up so early, and I kept thinking, "I need to leave!" but they were so kind to listen to some of my heart.  It's scary to talk about heart things.  But there's so much freedom in it.  So much healing.  And don't we all need some healing?

Get yourself in a small group of some kind. Find the people who are going to love you and instruct you, who will encourage you in life, and in your walk with Jesus, who let you share your mess, your heart.

Find your safe place of people.

My job is not the toughest

Have you seen the video going around about the world's toughest job? The 24 applicants?

We all knew it was going to be the mom, right?  Moms have the toughest jobs.

I wasn't super crazy about the video.  The sentiment was cute and all, but I'm not that mom.  I'm not on my feet all day (a lot of it, yes) I'm not super busy (unless FB and Instagram count for busy then yes, I am so busy) and I don't feel like I step it up at the holidays.

I'm a lazy mom.  A selfish mom.  A just get through this day mom.  I'm a your clothes are clean enough mom.  A your hair was brushed last week mom.  

Several of my mom friends posted the video and all I could think was how my kids should have them for moms because I bet they always brush their girls' hair perfectly and dress them in the finest of clothes with matching socks (and shoes) and make their kids more than gluten free Eggos every damn day for breakfast.

My girls often make their own breakfasts and lunches.  

Yesterday Sugar wore these stretch pants to Bible study that she'd been wearing all day in the barn with ducks and chicks. Holes. Dirt. Duck poop.  Oops.  Totally didn't notice until we were walking up the steps to their house.

And her hair was in the same ponytail I put it in a couple of days ago.

I couldn't have applied for the job in that stupid video because I'm not that mom.  

My husband is that mom but I'm sure not.

an update on life at our casa

It's been awhile since I've updated about the bathroom.  There's a reason for that.  There's nothing to update.

Sigh.

The other night I came home from a 30 mile bike ride.  The sweat was starting to dry and I felt chilled.  I looked at Josh and said, "you know what I miss?"

"A shower?"

Yes, I miss showers.  I told him I hoped we'd have a shower by August.

His reply?

"Of this year or next?"

Sigh some more.

I know that's how projects go around here.  There have been 14.5 years of projects like this at our house, but being without a shower isn't easy.  I take a bath and then I have to go to the kitchen to wash my hair in the sink.  The girls bathe at home and then, try not to be grossed out, get their hair washed on Wednesday when they stay with my mom.

Josh has been so crazy busy with work and there doesn't seem to be any down time on the horizon.  While I'm so proud of him and how hard he works for his company, I wish he had some vacation time to work on our house.

I haven't been running.  I did get my bike out last week and put in about 40 miles last week and around 50 so far this week.  I've already dropped a couple of pounds.  (Wanna lose weight?  Ride a bicycle.)  However, I miss running.  It's harder.  There's a different feeling after a run than there is after a ride.  So much more of my guts going into running.  Biking is a different sort of work out and up until about the 25 mile mark it's more like a fun time instead of a work out.

Thank goodness we've decided to school through the summer months since the last couple of weeks have been pretty hit or miss with school.  Attitudes, theirs or mine, schedule conflicts, sickness, etc. have all kept us from our regularly scheduled school time.  I'm not too concerned, but a smidge.  The girls are happy, healthy, learning, talkative, and quite rambunctious.  Daily making me laugh aloud.

Just the other day I found them undressing in our front yard, putting on wet suits and getting into the cast iron bath tub I'd filled for the ducks we bought a few weeks ago.

(ducks are another blog post)

When they were finished with that I asked them to empty the dishwasher.  They showed up in bike helmets.

I've asked my mom if they're okay.  Sometimes I fear their quirkiness.  I mean, they are real weirdos some days.  She assured me they're fine.

Okay.  Just got a call from Josh, he's almost home from work.  That's my cue to get off my butt.  :)