How I'm feeling right this minute. Uncensored.

I started writing this out on paper and then decided to blog these feelings.

Maybe I'm alone in them, and maybe I am not.

I'm equal parts hopeful I am and am not.  I'd hate for others to feel this way, I'd hate to think I'm the only one who feels this way.

I feel so inadequate.  In every area of my life.  Every single one.  There's not one area of my life where I feel I'm doing well or succeeding.

Lately I've wondered if staying home with my kids and educating them is the right thing.  For so many reasons I wonder if this is the right thing for me.  For my girls.

I'm not smart enough.

I'm not disciplined enough.

I'm not structured enough.

I'm impatient and crabby.

I'm not a gifted teacher; I'm horrible when it comes to explaining things.

I don't even know how to teach or what teach.  What goes together, when do I teach this, is this relevant, am I teaching this just because the schools do?

I used to work at Pier 1 Imports.  I also worked as a barista in a local coffee shop.  I was great at selling furniture and I was great at making coffee.  I can be good at something.  I have been good at something.

But this, this mothering and teaching.  I am not good at these things.

And I'm a horrid wife.

I get it.  I get why women leave.  Because this, this stuff is just too much some days.  Many days.  Most days.  And wouldn't it just be easier to leave?  To walk away?  Wouldn't the children and the husband be better off?

I'm not leaving.  I won't.

And I'm not headed off to work outside the home and have my kids in school.

I am, however, venting this hurt and frustration and panic that's rising.  Suffocating.  That's how I feel, like I'm suffocating.  I feel this claustrophobic craziness.

Okay, I'm going to publish now.  And in the middle of the night I'll wake up in a panic and try to delete but it'll already have been read and judged and well, and well...oh well.

Here it is and here is me.  Uncensored.

crying over a package of Oreos

It was nine years ago today that I bought that Sunday paper, that package of Oreos, and that digital pregnancy test.

Nine years ago since I set the toilet lid down and sat there with that stick in my hand.

Reading:

Pregnant

In my little apartment off Nob Hill.  All by myself.  Crying happy scared tears.

I'll always be thankful for October 17, 2004.

That pregnancy test, that sweet baby girl - changed me.  Saved me.

it's time to start losing weight again.

I've been feeling pretty yuck about myself since about April.

Gaining weight is never good for me and that's exactly what I've done since April.

Ew.

Life kinda took over and I stopped going to the gym.  Or I'd hang out with friends instead of utilizing my gym time.

And now I have about 14 lbs to show for my lazy ways.

I'm back to feeling the way I did when I first started my journey to get myself healthy.  No, I'm not that 153 lb girl I was, but I feel like it.  Nothing fits right, nothing looks right.  I wanna stay home so I don't see anyone I know.

Yuck.

So, it's time.  It's time to get back to healthy.

Healthy isn't lazy.

I have to remind myself it took me a few months to gain this weight, it's going to take time to get it off, too.

Here goes.

Again.

Wednesday Random, nesting style

today at 9 am I was supposed to have that dr's appt about fixing my Fallopian tubes.

it didn't happen.

instead at 9 am i am cleaning and organizing and purging.

it feels really great.

i'm sick.

like coughing up my lungs sick.  like, my head weighs 10 tons sick.  i had some Vicodin leftover from when i got my wisdom teeth out last year and they don't really do anything for me as far as pain, but they do make me not care.  so i took one a couple days into being sick just so i would not care that i was sick.

is this how druggies are born?

(i don't wanna know)

since i am sick i didn't go to bible study last night, instead i stayed home and organized our school books.  i bought a shelf from PW and i was planning to paint it and re-sell it, but realized it had a perfect place in my home and works beautifully for storing our school books.

i used to have just one junk drawer in my house.  josh thought one was too much.  imagine what he thinks now that one junk drawer somehow turned into three.

today i fixed that and made the three turn into one.

yesterday Sugar came upstairs to wake me and tell me Spice had puked.  i went downstairs all sick and sleepy and upon cleaning up the puke I puked too.  that was precious.  It was one of those times where you don't want to tell the dog to stop cleaning it up.  You actually want the dog to clean it up so you don't have to.  But the thought of dog eating vomit makes you want to vomit more so you just clean it up yourself.

You're welcome for all that.

Being sick is not my favorite.  Organizing sure is though.

The junk drawers in my house were these mini hoarding stations of the weirdest crap.  I'm glad I cleaned it instead of someone else seeing it.

Okay, done rambling.

You're welcome for that too.