How are you feeling, Sarah?

That's the FB question of the day.

I wanna tell FB to shut the eff up.

I'm feeling frustrated and defeated.  I'm feeling rejected.  I'm feeling slothful.  I'm feeling life is more than me. Life and motherhood and wifeliness and being a friend is more than I can do.

I'm feeling that even though I'm currently on speaking terms with all three females in my family, mother and both sisters, that at any given time it will blow up.  And I'm giving away my heart to them.  And any moment, any moment it will come crashing.

I'm feeling that my homeschoolishness changes my friendships.  And I don't know if it's for the better.  I feel like an outcast.

I feel like a fraud.

I feel like sitting next to my dad in our uncomfortable silence.  I feel like the sound of his laughter and in that drawl in his speech would heal me.

I'm feeling like I'll never be free of this sadness that plagues me at all times.  This overwhelming sadness that I'm constantly doing everything wrong.  It is so exhausting.  So exhausting.

(i'm so sorry that i whine about that so often, feel free to come back to this blog in about 10 yrs, maybe by then i'll have my shit together and won't complain about doing everything wrong.)

(then again, maybe i'll still be complaining)

I'm feeling snarky.

I'm feeling it's time to end this post.

Wednesday Random....on Thursday

I've been thinking today was going to be Wednesday for some reason.  It's not but oh well.  I often write out random stuff on Wednesdays but apparently missed the boat yesterday.

(and now i want to throw in a bunch of boat jokes.)

The Library put a block on my account because I couldn't find three books.  Like could not find them, I've searched everywhere, they must have walked out of my house couldn't find them.  I was just going to buy them.  I had library books for school on hold that I needed, I was just going to have to fork out the money.

"Well, for the three books it's $60, I suggest you go home and take another look around."

YA THINK!?

So I did.

I went in the basement and I was searching and there was nothing.  Grr.  But I realized I had to pack for our trip so I grabbed a suitcase while I was down there.

The suitcase was heavy.

Um, apparently my last trip didn't get put away.  And I had taken a library book with me.

YAY!  One down, two to go.

I have this "trouble zone" in my kitchen, next to my fridge, where papers pile up.  (who am I kidding, my whole kitchen is a trouble zone) Anyway, I decided to clean up that area, file stuff (in the trash) and put stuff away (in the trash).  Lo and behold....another library book!

Then Josh found the last one.

Suh-weet.  Saved myself a chunk of change.  And was able to get the books we needed for our science lesson next week.

Speaking of science.  Loving our curriculum.  Sugar is too.  So does Spice.

Speaking of curriculum, a friend of mine has decided to homeschool her kids and we've been discussing curriculum choices.  I asked what she's planning to use and most of what she listed I'd never heard of before.  I researched it yesterday and am likely going to change our history and language arts.  I like both that I'm using, but after reading up on these two others, wow.  We'll see.

I lost my favorite pair of silver earrings that my mom gave me for my birthday last year.  I'm sad pants.

I'm starting up movie night with my mom and sister tonight.  That makes me happy pants.

My cup of coffee is cold.

This summer I ripped up the carpet in my living room and painted the floor white.  That was dumb.  Not the carpet ripping, that was GOOD, but the white part.  This floor should not be white.  I have two small children, a husband who attracts grease, and three pets.  I need more floor to be the color of dirt.  Think I'm just going to spend the money and re-do it.

Apparently I paid all of our bills twice last month.  Oops.  I'm not quite sure how I did that.  But every bill I've gotten this month shows a credit.  Awesome!  I'll take it.

I'm working on another Pinterest project with a friend.  He cut my board, I'll paint it, and then he'll stencil and paint the letters on for me.  And I will buy him beer.  It really is a win/win for us both.  Here's what we're working on:

Source: etsy.com via Sarah on Pinterest

but where it says "margarita" mine will say "sangria" because I can't stand margaritas but love sangria.  This might be due to almost dying from tequila 10 years ago but whatever.  (I also felt like I was going to die from tequila last month, but that's another post for another day)

Today is my grandma's birthday.  She is 74.  She is living proof you can survive on Pepsi and PopTarts.

Speaking of terrible eating habits, I've been journaling my exercise and eating with a friend.  Ugh.  There's been a lot to journal as far as food, but not so much the exercising.  Those ten lbs I wanted to lose before our vacation?  Ack, I now only have two months to do it.  I should probably start trying.  I'm taking my bike to Portland with me this weekend and I am RIDING.  Yes I am.

I will lose those 10 lbs!

Okay, that's enough random.  Your turn.

Day Trip to Pendleton

At the end of January, on a Saturday when we had much to do around the house inside and out -

Josh says, "let's get out of here. Let's go for a drive."

So we loaded up the children and the Beagle, some snacks and off we went.

Our first stop was Starbucks.

And then we just kept driving.

We drove to Pendleton, OR, took pictures at the rodeo grounds, walked around, drove around

and just spent time together.

There are no pictures of the Beagle because he heaved the entire day and left seven piles of puke in my van.

I wish I were kidding.

He's never been car sick before.

Our girls are so good in the car.  Have been since birth.

I thank God for that.  I know He blessed us with good little travelers because we enjoy so much to be on the road.

I find it's easy to get caught up in listening to the radio or talking with Josh even asking for silence instead of using my time in the car with the girls to learn about them and teach them about the world outside our rig.

I'm choosing today to change that.

To turn the radio down.

And turn the conversations up.

my heart talking

My cats are roaming the house sneezing.  The dogs nails are clickity clacketing on the floor.  And they're driving me crazy.

It's early early for me to be awake but Josh was up and out of bed at 4:30 so I thought the least I could do (since I didn't make breakfast) was to sit with him while he ate his oatmeal and drank his coffee.

I'm so kind that way.

My girls slept together last night in Spice's bed.  Actually, we all fell asleep in her bed last night.  We spent some time together on our big, new (to us) gold couch and then we all curled up in her bed, sang a couple of songs and then it got very quiet.  I woke up before Josh did, but he ended up sleeping in there for about an hour.  It's cozy, that bed.  Those snuggly girls.

Yesterday was not a great day, but last night was a great night.

I hope that's what my girls remember when they are older.  The good.  I don't remember my childhood hardly at all, but I hope my girls remember.  We are trying to make it good.  We are trying to make it fun.

We are trying to make it love.

Josh is pretty fabulous when it comes to anything children.  I think because he's yet to fully grow up himself.  For me, to play with the girls (i hate to admit this) is a chore, I try try try to think of something to play and it lasts for five minutes and I'm dying.  For Josh, play comes easy.  His imagination runs wild and then he lives it out.

They have the very best dad.

We see how quickly time is passing.  How important these days to love them are.  Our job, our gift, to raise them and protect them.  It doesn't stop when they are four and seven or fourteen and seventeen.  The time feels so short and sometimes I feel a sense of panic.  I want to put the brakes on.  I want to hold on tight to four and seven.

I've loved every stage.  Well, except for Spice's crying stage, which lasted until...wait, we're still waiting for that crying stage to end.  No.  I really have enjoyed their growing up.  Sure I'm sad on occasion when no longer am I needed for a certain something or other, but I love their independence.  Sugar's especially.  She believes she can do anything herself.

And don't tell her different.

I don't want to baby or coddle them in an unhealthy way.  I want them to grow.  Thrive.  And be successful, capable women.

I just hope they're like 45 when they decide to go out on their own.

Those girls and this time and that daddy of theirs, make my bad days not so bad.  It makes them good.  And gives my heart a good talking to.  This heart of mine needs a talking to a lot lately.

Last night in that bed with my three favorite people, I got what I needed.  A reminder that this life I live is blessed and sweet and oh so worth living.

So worth living.

Wednesday Random

This morning I locked myself out of the house whilst wearing my pajamas.

But not before I stepped on a tack with my bare feet.

I had a bit of panic attack freak out deal Monday regarding some homeschoolishness.  It all started when a lapbook I ordered and tried to put together was not at all going as planned.  "How can I teach my kids when I can't even put together a lapbook!?"

So I went in the bathroom.  Locked the door.  And didn't cry.  Because I couldn't.  I couldn't even find my breath for the longest time.  There was a lot of gasping.  Sigh.

Then on Tuesday I looked some stuff up, found some resources.  And calmed my freak down.

This morning Sugar says to me, "I'm like a princess.  But poor."  I got a good laugh outta that.

I saw my baby sister yesterday for the first time in months.  I felt like it was my birthday!

I've decided not to cancel my membership to the gym.  At Josh's insistence.  I've gone for the last three days thanks to Amber's girls being willing to watch my kids while we go.  I feel GOOD.  Tired.  Sore.  But oh so good.  I rode my bike on Saturday.  Just 15 miles, but that was good too.  Then the wind tried to kill me.

Josh has been gone for the last two nights for work.  About 8 hours away.  I slept on the couch both nights.  With a gun.

We've been having smoothies for breakfast lately.  Spinach, almond milk, flax seed, pure maple syrup (or honey), almond butter, frozen berries and a banana.  So good.  Oh so good.  Spice loves them, Sugar likes them.

I've lost three lbs this week.  I wanted to lose five and thought it was a ridiculous goal but maybe I'll see it.  We'll be in San Diego in just over a couple of months.  I want to be able to wear a swimsuit without embarrassment.

We're headed to friends for the weekend.  Jim and Emily's.  I love that blogging brought us together.  The internet has been awesome in finding new friendships.

Oooh, funny (random) story about meeting blog friends.  Over Memorial weekend last year we were going camping with some friends we'd never met.  I "knew" them through Twitter and loved them in 140 characters or less.  They invited us to go camping and we agreed.  Josh's dad was skeptical.  He tells Josh, "you better take your gun."  Josh's reply? "Oh, I will.  But from what Sarah tells me about Cortland, I'm sure he'll have at least one or four of his own."  Was too funny.  And then of course, Cortland did.  And no one needed them other than to talk about them.  :)

I'm supposed to be schooling kids.  I should probably do that since I just heard them head to the laundry room and pour dog food. Which means they'll be trying to eat it in 3, 2, ...

The Elmo ABCs

Spice just knows stuff.  I don't feel like I've taught her anything, she just kinda picks up on things and knows how to add 1+1 all the way up to 1+9 and write out the answers.  I don't remember teaching her to write her numbers.  Oops.

She's been writing her name for a couple of years.

I feel like for not even five, she's a pretty smart kiddo.

Bias shmias.

Anyway, right now she says she's going to sing her ABCs to me.  Something I don't know that we've really worked on.  (I know, I know.)

ABCs, the Spice age 4 version:

"a b c d e f g, h i j k elmo p, q r s, t u bee, w x y n z."

I sure love that baby.

I'm a head case. yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm reading a book that uses the term "head case" fairly often.

The characters make me feel somewhat normal.

However, I sent an email a couple of hours ago describing my night last night.  How I was supposed to go grocery shopping and run some errands in TC but couldn't function.  I was able to make dinner.

But barely.

And once dinner was made I was supposed to leave.

I couldn't.  I couldn't bring myself to leave the house.  I knew that I'd get up there and be with all those people and that's normally something I really enjoy but not last night.

Not at all.  I couldn't stand the thought of it.

So I grabbed my book and told Josh I was heading upstairs.  I plopped myself down on my bed, turned the lamp on and read for the next 90 minutes.  In that time I laughed and cried.

And most importantly, breathed.

I have days where I feel like I can't breathe.

Yesterday was one.  I think Josh knew this because he went to work for an hour and then came home.  He worked on his Suburban and came in and out of the house.  I didn't feel like I was being babysat, just supported.  He knew I needed him around yesterday.

So after reading for those 90 minutes I knew it was getting on bedtime hour for my kids.  My heart stopped beating all crazy and my mind was no longer mush.  I was able to snuggle and tickle and play with my girls before they went to sleep.

I'm totally a head case.  But today I feel good.  Today I'll do my shopping.  And maybe pick up a straitjacket.

In orange, of course.

I love that she listened

Last night Josh worked late so the girls and I ate dinner just the three of us.

I stood at the counter and served their spaghetti.  They ate at the bar, I ate standing up.

We're quietly eating when Spice sort of gasps and puts her left hand over her heart.

"Mama!" 

"What?!" 

"Jesus.  He just talked to me. To my heart."  She says with eyes wide.

I'm sorta startled.  She's never said anything like this before.

"What did He say to you?"

She smiles.

"He said He loves me."

We've been busy

We've lived in our home for 13.5 years.  We started our first "project" about two months after we moved in. Someday I'm going to write a post about all the projects we've done since living here.

But today is not that post.

Today's post is just about what we've done over the last couple of weeks.

My girls share a bedroom that is approximately 12x12.  The closet makes it a little smaller than that.  Having two twin beds in there was absolutely crowding the area.  I was getting really frustrated, they were getting really frustrated.  So a couple of weeks ago I got on Costco's website, found a set of bunkbeds I liked for nearly $1000.00  I didn't care.  I was just going to buy them and be done with it.

I show them to Josh and he says, "You don't love those.  Find something on Pinterest you like."

So I find these:

Source: houzz.com via Sarah on Pinterest

And Josh says, "let's go get the material."

That was on a Thursday night and by Sunday afternoon I had these:

My husband is a freaking rock star!

We had the beadboard already from another project (our hallway) that we took down so that was fun to have that on  hand.  The rest of the materials, including the paint cost us about $325 or so.  Much cheaper than the ones I was going to be buy from Costco!

Another area of our house that I have always disliked has been our doors and hallways.  The doors are very plain and were painted an ugly pinkish tan.  We had a closet in the hallway that for years has been awful!  When we first moved in there was an accordian door on it and I soon ripped that down.  It's not had any door on it now for years and anyone can just see all the crap I have thrown in there.

Last week I hired a general contractor to come in and finish up a few projects we'd started and part of that was the hallway.  Tommy covered up the hall closet door and framed in a new closet in my bathroom.  YAY!  So I've been doing some painting in the hallway and decided I needed new doors.  Something fun.

It's taken me a long long time to realize what my style is.  Maybe there isn't really a term for it but kinda a Bohemian Chic I suppose.  I like color and I like country(ish) and things are starting (finally!) to come together.

I foolishly did not take a before picture of the hallway or door but here is the new door and the old closet used to open up right next to that door.  But no more!

I still need to put trim up around the floor and door and put the door handle on.  I got new handles too!  Oh my word, love them!

Last night I decided to bust out my acrylics and paint in the girls' room.  I'd seen a couple of different tree ideas on Pinterest, had Sugar pick out the one she liked and went to work.  This is the one she picked:

Source: naifandtastic.com via Sarah on Pinterest

and this is what I ended up with:

My plan is to put shelves on one side of the tree for books and a couple of large pillows against the wall with a lamp somewhere in the mix.  I'm hopeful to encourage a love of reading and if they can have a fun place to do that - all the better!  It was a fun project to start and finish within about 12 hours.

I'll update as we finish more projects, which seem to be coming along rather quickly these days!

Loving it.

And then there was Red

I colored my hair and I love it.

I don't think I've ever loved my hair more than I do now.

It's fun.  It's me.  I may never go back to my dirty blonde self ever again.

(that did not sound right, did it?)

(meh, whatev)

when will it feel like a job well done

i'm sitting on my second hand orange couch, with my bare feet and my comfy clothes.

today i woke up late but finally after days upon days of not feeling rested - felt rested.  i suppose i needed that sleep but waking at 8 is embarrassing.

to me.

the first thing i did was heat up my coffee that josh had left in the french press.  his alarm went off at 4:30 and he was out the door by 5:30.

after heating up my coffee i started a load of laundry.  i'm guessing it was about 8:30.  the washer and dryer ran and ran and did not stop until 8:30 tonight.  it's not that i was that behind on the dirty laundry, but i was behind on the clean laundry and apparently my cat decided to pee on it.  i wasn't sure what all had been peed on, but i decided that everything needed to be rewashed.  and there was a heckuva lotta clean laundry on that guest room bed.

i schooled the kids.  partially.  enough.

i cleaned some other stuff.

did some dishes.  checked the mail.  sighed when i got a bill from my wisdom teeth.  apparently i forgot to pay that off.  it's expensive to get rid of teeth.

i broke up fights and i soothed tears.

i caused tears, too.

i fed the dog and the cats.

i got dinner made by some miracle just minutes before josh walked in the door at 6:30.  he put in a 13 hour day.

while dinner was cooking i washed more dishes.  put more dishes away.  folded more laundry.  put more laundry away.

we ate and i did dishes.  we played two games of cards at the table and then josh took the girls off to bed and i took a bath and wondered at what i got done today.

i feel like didn't do much at all, yet my house is clean, spotless almost, my kids are clean and schooled.  but i feel like i failed.

i feel like i failed this day and i don't know why.  is it always going to feel like this?  will i never feel like, yay me?  i don't get it.  i don't understand.  i want to know.  i want to know, was it enough?  did i do enough?  i don't want platitudes, i want truth.  did i miss something?  was there supposed to be more to this day?

i just want a night where i go to bed and feel like i did my job well.

tonight is not that night.