jim and emily

we spent our weekend with jim and emily.  it's one of our absolute favorite things to do, be with them.  oh my goodness the laughter between the four of us.  and  i love watching josh and jim.  they crack me up.  their bff'ness makes my heart happy.  my husband had been a lot of years without a best friend.

jim makes up for all those years josh didn't have someone to hang out with.

emily used to blog too.  i read her blog for a few months before ever commenting but knew by what she wrote that our families could definitely be friends.  it was fun to find out they only lived a few hours from us.  one day i commented on a post of hers and through doing that she started to read my blog too.  it wasn't long before we decided to meet up and it wasn't long after meeting that we made plans for a camping trip.  a camping trip where i laughed too loud and talked too much and was pretty sure that was the end of our friendship.  apparently not.  there's a bond between our families that i will forever be thankful to God for.  there's a closeness, an understanding, a love, an appreciation - i'm getting emotional just thinking about them and us and the last five and a half years of friendship.  it's just good.  it's really really good.

these are friends that we are doing life with.  we get together just to get together.  and then we get together when it's time to roll up our sleeves and do dirty work.  many projects in my house is evidence of this.  jim has been by josh's side through so many of the projects in our house.  many that couldn't have been done without him.  and emily has kept me sane through said projects.  she has made me laugh when i wanted to just burn this place to the ground. she has given up hours of time with her husband so he could be with mine.

there are friends you hang out with just to have fun.  and there are friends you hang out with where you make whatever you are doing together fun.

we know the little quirks about each other and we don't love each other in spite of them, we love each other for them.  we can be our raw, ugly, messy selves and it is okay.  it is good.  there's a safety net in our friendship.

they are the people that no matter the day or time we know we could call if we needed them and they would be there to help us because they have been there to help us.

i know friendship like this is rare.  so i will hold them close and be forever thankful.

and we're at 15 years gone

It's been 15 years today since receiving the call my dad drowned.

Many years I'm a big mess.  Others I'm fine til the end of the day.  And then the summer I was with Natalie and Cori for the weekend, was probably the best.  The healthiest of the anniversaries.

Today, so far, I feel good.  It's nice to not be a blubbery mess.  I always feel so dumb when I get like that.

15 seems like so many years.

Since I was only 19 when my dad died, it won't be long til he'll have been gone from my life longer than he was in it.  That part is hard.  It's all hard.

I'd love to have just one day.  Just one day to sit with him and hear his laugh.  To have a beer together.

Well, crap.  Writing this out and thinking about it is making me a little weepy.  I'm going to stop before I really get started.

Thank you, my friends, for letting me share when my dad is on my heart.  The days are fewer than they used to be, and that feels so much healthier, but when he is, it's best when I can put those feelings down.

The animals are good for my heart.

I have 21 animals.

Twenty.

One.

Animals.

Fish. Guinea pigs. Chickens. Ducks. Dogs. Cats. Kittens.

I have 21 animals and all I can think about is getting more animals.

21 animals and apparently zero marbles.

I get panicky and claustrophobic about the weirdest things, but these animals calm me. I know that sounds strange since some days it seems hectic around here, but really, this place just makes me happy.

This morning I went outside to let the fowl out and I watched as they ran all over the place, the kittens hiding in weeds, ready but too scared to pounce. My yard and my heart are happier with all of these animals.

I really shoulda had more kids.

The only downfall of all the animals at this point is that we are gone quite often.  Seems the weekend shows up and we are outta here.  We don't have the place set up to care for itself and that makes leaving difficult.

I'm sure we'll get it figured out at some point.

Yesterday a couple of chickens decided to come inside.  Josh mighta freaked out a bit when I told him.  He's not as pro-house chicken as I am I guess.

So if you're feeling some anxiety, I recommend a chicken. Those things do your heart some good.

And maybe a duck.  

Or two.

That time my kids went camping.

It is 6:42 AM and upstairs, asleep, are my beautiful children.

I am a content mama right now.

For four mornings I woke up in this house alone. For four nights there were no giggly, squirmy, try-to-get-out-of-bedtime girls. It was a quiet, lonely household.

So lonely I nearly allowed a chicken to come inside for company.

The girls went camping with their grandparents near Mt. Rainier.  This was the longest I've been apart from them and I'm pretty sure we'll never do that again. 

At least not til next month.

I did a lot of laundry while they were gone. I did a lot of sitting and moping. I did some dreaming. Josh was also gone for 2.5 of those four days, so I called the glass company and asked if they'd come install our bathroom mirror for me while he was gone. Bless their hearts, they came right over. (i love small towns)

But while they were gone I did not eat much. I ate at Betty's Friday night, but that was my first meal since Tuesday night. Then I didn't eat again until Saturday night. I lost four lbs. in the four days they were away, and while I missed those girls terribly, maybe they could just leave for another six days so I can reach goal weight?

Thanks so much.

While the peacefulness of my home was nice, the quiet was almost too much sometimes. I'd find myself a little panicky. I was doing laundry, almost every article in the house was washed, dried, and folded (and setting nicely on my dining table, thankyouverymuch).

All of a sudden I had the most ridiculous thought enter my mind.  I cannot believe I'm about to share where my brain goes. But, whatever. I'm folding one of Spice's 4T shirts, nevermind that she is 6, and I think, "what if something awful were to happen to my family, and I have just washed all of their clothes, and I don't have any way to smell their happy dirty smells?"

Before Josh left on Thursday night I had him take off the shirt he'd worn to work that day and give it to me. I slept with that fabulously man-smelly shirt all three nights.

There's just something about your people's smell.

I'm thinking perhaps I should delete the last few paragraphs.  I swear I'm not going to eat my family.  I know I've been hungry the last few days, but trust me, they are safe from my consumption.

Moving on...

Sunday morning I woke for church and was so excited to check in the little people to their Sunday School classes. Then, since I had not yet heard from Josh, I decided to go to second service. I sat through service, so happy to be at church, and knowing my people would be home soon. It was just so good.

I get home and do the dishes that have been sitting since Monday, but have not been added to since Tuesday, and then I hear our diesel Suburban coming down the road and up my driveway and I go running.

And those naughty girls who know better than to unbuckle before the rig is off, they had the door open before it was even stopped, and they threw themselves at me.

"Ooooh, Mommyyyyy!"

And I thought I would come undone.

My arms and heart were full.  Overflowing.

I look up from the hugs and kisses of my girls and I see my man, my man who has just attempted to climb Mt. Rainier. And he gives me that I'm-so-tired-and-happy grin. He had just spent his days with his (second) favorite person on that mountain, and while I worried, I loved that he was with Jim, doing something they enjoy.

So we shared the smile and the look of knowing how good it was that he was home and they were home, with the non-stop chatter, and an occasional just because I missed you hug.

Sugar and Spice make sure all 21 animals are accounted for, loving on all of them before taking off in separate directions. I hear Sugar laughing, Lola barking and I go outside to see this:

She dug a hole, filled it with water, and plopped herself in.  I love that she loves mud. 

Spice shows me this handy tool that she got. It's a whistle, but oh so much more.

She shows me that it has a thermometer, a compass, and a mirror. Then I say, "oh, and it even has a magnifying glass!"

And Spice, she says, "no, Mama, that's what kills bugs."

What was I thinking?  My bad.  Not a magnifying glass.  

A bug killer.

That Spice, she's too much sometimes.

I am so glad they are home.

It's good to be loved

I have this friend.

Her name is Betty.

And I have yet to figure out why, but she likes me.

I have had the hardest time the last several months with accepting her love, friendship, and generosity.

Her and her husband have been so generous to me.  So much love and kindness that I've often felt my heart is about to burst.

I was with my mom yesterday and she asked what my plans for the evening were.  I explained that Betty had invited me over, that her three grown children were all coming home, but that she had invited me to be a part of that.  I told her how that just seemed like a lot to me, your whole family to be together, and then to invite me.

And my mom says, "you do know Sarah, that you are fun to be around."

When you've had someone rip apart all the pieces of who you are, it is difficult to be yourself after that, and believe that it's okay. That there are people who truly like you.  I know, it was only one person. But that one letter was strong and is always in the back of my mind.

All day yesterday I knew that I was invited to go over to their house. I kept fighting with myself about how there's so much to be done around here, and that Betty should just enjoy her family without me being part of that.  But I went.  I even took my toiletries because Betty said I could shower!

(yes, I'm still without one of those at my house.)

She fed me dinner, offered her shower, gave me coffee and cake. Her kids showed up, and they are my friends, too. There were hugs and smiles, lots of laughter, and can I tell you - my heart was so full.

I left their home all filled up.

As I'm driving away I think about how good it is to be loved by them. How good it is to spend time with people who love me for me, the good parts of me, but the damaged parts, too.

I started to question it, then stopped myself.  I just needed to let myself be loved and be thankful.

16 years blessed by him

I started this blog post, got about four paragraphs in, then deleted it.

You see, today is our 16th wedding anniversary and I started to write about "wedded bliss" and how I think that term is a load of shit. (excuse the language, but seriously.)  I started to write the real stuff of marriage of 16 years and I'll say this real quick and then move on.

The real stuff of marriage is hard, friends.  Marriage is hard.  It's the hardest thing I do on a daily basis.

And not because of Josh, but because of me.

Moving on.

Josh and I are here, this sixteenth anniversary, 16 years married because of him.

Because he is faithful.

Because he is kind.

Because he thinks of me before himself.

Because he puts the toilet seat and lid down.

Because he has a heart 10x bigger than the normal person.

Because he gives.

And gives some more.

Because he is patient.

Because he is slow to anger.

Because he has really nice biceps and back muscles.

The list could go on and on.  It really could.  And if you know him, you're nodding your head.  He's all sorts of amazing, and for some reason he stays married to me.

I have given him reason upon reason to send me packing (and there was that time I did) but he chooses to love me.  He chooses to stay.

I have a lot of favorite things about Josh, but I'll share what I feel is my very favorite.  And it makes me laugh to say it's my favorite because it used to be the thing that drove me the most crazy.

The part about Josh being a giver.

You see, Josh rarely takes time for himself.  He's almost always doing something for someone else.  Whether it's for me, the girls, his parents, or...complete strangers.

There was a time when Josh was still driving long haul and a guy was hitchhiking.  This man was running away from his life as a husband and father.  Josh picked him up, kept him with him for a few days, talked with him, brought him to our home, gave him work, and then drove him back to Seattle to reunite him with his family.

Another time we were on our way to some friends, about 45 minutes east of us, to help them move.  On our way we saw a girl in an older Volkswagen Beetle stranded on the side of the road.  Her car was done.  By the looks of her, she was, too.  Josh offered her a ride, explained we had some friends to help, but she was welcome to come along and on our way home we'd pick up her car (we had our flatbed with us) and take her home.  To Seattle.  She took us up on our offer, helped our friends with us, then we loaded up her Beetle, took her to our house and the next day we drove her and her car the three hours home.

A couple months back I was on my bike when I saw a guy stuck and needing to be towed.  I stopped my bike, asked if he needed a tow, and while reluctant to accept my offer of sending my husband, he took me up on it.  I called Josh, explained the situation, he dropped what he was doing to hook up to the flat bed and drive to the town next over to load the guy's truck up and take him home.

There are so many more stories about him doing random acts of kindness.  I'm sure there are so many I don't even know about.

He never gives it a second thought.

Because it's always his first thought.

"How can I help?"

And then he's there and then he does.

Always the giver.

I watch him and I am in awe.  It makes me love him even more when I see him taking care of others and their needs.

So this marriage thing.  This thing we've done for 16 years has been made possible because of Josh.

I hear it at least once a month from one person or another, and I'll tell you here, I am very lucky to be married to him.

Don't think a day goes by that I don't know it.

remembering to write the day to day

Every once in a while I panic.

Who are we kidding?  I panic all the time.

The one that is currently plaguing me is how little I journal just our day to day lives.  My memory is absolutely terrible (unless you wanna know Trevor's license plate from the Ford Explorer or Matt's phone number back in high school, those are things I can remember).

This blog of mine is nearing it's eighth year.  Eighth!  How in the world?  When it was just Sugar running around the house I wrote more about our day to day.  Life was a little less stressful in those days and I found it easier to sit down and write.  Now, there's a Spice.  And there's our homeschool adventure.  And just added stresses.  Some I'm sure I bring upon myself.

Many I bring upon myself.

I use Facebook for updating short blips of our day, and I try to only post things that I think are funny so as to make people laugh.  I really should just take those status updates and write full posts on them because often I could.

I could fill this blog up every single day with the antics of my children or the thoughts of my heart, but I find myself holding back so often on my stuff, and I am just lazy about writing out our day to day.  But I'm starting to worry that the girls will wonder what we did with our days, and if I don't write them out, how will I remember?  Their new thing is to ask me to tell stories of when they were babies.

Sweet stories of Sugar.  And Spice we just tell her, "you cried a lot.  heck, you still cry a lot."  We have stories.  Lots of stories.  I just need to begin again in getting them written.  I need to set aside the time.

So one day they can print out the blog, take it to their therapist, and say, "see.  this is why we're here."

Homeschool Planning

Even though I feel like summer just started, I've started thinking ahead for our school year.  This is kind of a big deal because normally I do my planning for school about three days before we start.

Yay for getting better at this!

We had to test Sugar a few weeks ago per WA State homeschool laws.  I thought we may die. Sugar and testing do not go well together. We made it through, though, and the results were fine.  They helped me to see that our focus on reading and writing is paying off, our math time needs much improvement, and that even if you don't teach science or history for an entire year, your kid is smarter than you thought, and can still whiz right through. 

As each year has passed, we've slowly gotten better with consistency. I get better about taking the school day more seriously.

(As a stay-at-home-mom it is easy for others (and myself!) to think that I can drop what I'm doing at any given moment to run an errand or go hang out, or whatever. This winds up messing with our school day, and we either cut the day short or don't do school at all.)

This year I am committing to trying even harder to complete our entire school day before agreeing to meet a friend for lunch or run an errand for someone.  

I've also decided to stop comparing the level my children are at with that of their cousins, our friends, or those I read about on blogs or Facebook.  As long as there is progress, I will be happy.  The comparing of children is exhausting and kills happiness in all of us.

I'm really looking forward to this school year.  I'm not sure I've been able to say that in previous years.  I think as these few years have gone on, I'm a tiny bit more comfortable in my own skin.  I'm learning more and more what works for our family and the girls as individuals.  

There are certain areas I have been too strict, others where I have been too lax.  I'll be working on (and blogging about) these things and hope to see improvements in all of us.

Now.  I am off to order some new school books (eeee!!!) and get my year off to a strong start!