Preview of what's to come...Hair Edition

Tomorrow I go in to get my hurr did.

My once a year beautification.

This is what I dream of my hair looking like:

or

but that is not to be.

So I considered this because my hair could do this.  (I wish my face could too, but I don't have that kind of money right now.  And if I did, that's not the surgery I'd be spending said money on...)

source

Husband was okay with it.  After all, it's not dreads.  But it's short and short is not his favorite.  *sigh*

So, tomorrow my dirty blonde, frizzy locks will look like this:

And maybe I'll go get some glasses and bold lipstick, too.

Let's set a goal, shall we?

The four of us are leaving soon(ish) to warmer temps.

My body is in no shape to be seeing the sun whilst in a swim suit.

I'm canceling my membership to the gym I've loved for two years now.  Life is changing and I'm just not able to leave the house as frequently as before.  It's time to start working out from home.

My bicycle and I have been separated for a couple of months now, a situation that needs to be remedied immediately.  While a good hour at the gym feels great, nothing leans this girl out like time on the bike.  I must get back to pedaling.

I've gained two pounds.  This isn't much.  And for the most part I'm not concerned.  But the fact that I've lost a lot of muscle and let it turn into blubber isn't making me very happy.

So.

Here's my goal.

10 pounds in three months.  Totally doable.  Just a little over three pounds per month.

That would put me at 115.  A number I haven't seen on the scale since I was about four months pregnant with Sugar. Which woulda been a little over eight years ago.

115 seems ridiculous.  But I want to do it.

I was trying to think of what I could reward myself with and then it hit me, duh.  Vacation.  

And a new swim suit!

Where I say too much. Get too personal.

In November of 2011 I found out I had a hernia.  In December while discussing the repair with my surgeon he asked if I wanted more babies.

"Yes!"  I kind of said it like, "duh!"

And he said okay, he just wanted to let me know that while he was putting the mesh screen in to repair my hernia, he could also tie my tubes.

Thanks but no thanks.

And then two days later I had a horrible parenting morning.  Okay, horrible doesn't even cut it.  It was one of the the worst days I'd ever had as a mother.

I found myself guilt-tripping my six year old, being impatient with my three year old and just wanting to wave a white flag.

"If you suck at being a mother to two kids, what makes you think you have any right to have three?"

Those were the words that formed in my mind.

I loaded the girls up in the van.  It was freezing.  They were still in jammies.  And I rushed down to the surgeon's office and asked where the form was that I could sign so that two days from then I would no longer have to worry about bringing another child into this world that I would damage with my less than stellar parenting.

"Sarah, honey.  Are you sure?"  Yolanda, the office manager asked me.

I'm sure I looked a fright.

"Look, I have two screaming kids out in the car right now, just the two of 'em make me crazy.  I don't think I need to add to that."  The tears.  They were so close but I kept them in.

This isn't your time.  I heard the voice.  His voice.

And still I signed the paper.

The devil on one shoulder.  The angel on the other.

A mix of right and wrong.

Two days later I'm in a hospital gown early early in the morning with those stupid hospital socks that don't stay on.  The surgical nurse is going over what is about to go down.

Ventral hernia repair.

Tubal ligation.

"Is this correct?"

This isn't your time.  I knew then I should have told her no.  No, that was not correct.  Do the hernia repair, leave my tubes alone!

I nodded.  "Yes, that's correct."

vertical scar above & below my belly button is from having half
of my colon removed 6 yrs ago.
the staples are from the hernia repair.  tubal ligation staples are not shown.

I came out of surgery and my first thought was of the babies I wouldn't have.

The hernia repair and tubal ligation were the easiest of the surgeries I've had, yet I was the worst patient this time around.  I yelled at my nurse (Josh had to apologize to her for me). I cried.  I was angry.  I wanted to go home.

I wanted to go back.

To a few days before.  To not have signed those papers.

It's been a year and I'm still trying to heal from that surgery.  My hernia is fine.  My heart, however, is not.

I think about it everyday.  I've asked for forgiveness over and over.  I've been angry.  I've thrown stuff.  And I've had the days where I hear that voice that I'm a terrible mother to two kids, I don't deserve any more.

I say all of this, I say too much, have gotten too personal because maybe it's one of you who needs to hear it.  Maybe you're considering making a permanent decision like this and you just don't know if it's the right thing for you.

It might be.

It might not be.

I'm just letting you know my experience with making this permanent decision.  Don't make yours in a moment of frustration.  Don't sign those papers because you feel like you're a bad mom.  Don't assume your husband thinks you're a terrible mama to his children and doesn't want to have more babies with you.

Think it through.  Write out a list.  Pray about it.  Talk to your spouse.  And when you've made your decision, wait another month. Or more.

If this is something you're considering and wanna talk about it, feel free to leave a comment here, or up at the top, where it says "Contact" you can find my email address and email me.  

Two years later.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary since I signed up for the gym and took control of my health, my weight.

Two years.

Crazy.

These last two years have been quite a ride.

Some things I'd change.  Some things I wouldn't.

Getting up early to hit the gym is something I'll never regret.

The hours away from home riding my bike, I don't regret.

I worked hard to lose it, I've worked hard to maintain it.

2011 was my year to get healthy.

2013 is yours.

Conversation with the Husband

Last night I was about to update my FB status and then backspaced it all.

Me:  I probably don't need to tell FB what the girls just did, do I?

Josh:  No, you never know, one of your friends might call CPS or something.

Me:  But then I'd know what time to have the kids waiting at the door with their bags packed.

It's a joke.  Mostly...  ;)

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday Random Style

My house is quiet.  Well, besides the fish tank.  Nemo and Marlin are rather noisy.  (yes, Nemo and Marlin. my kids are super creative namers of fish)

Josh left for work about an hour ago.  Just as he was about to leave I hear a Peterbilt start up.  Pretty sure it tugs at his heart even more than mine when we hear that sound.  Our neighbor drives a truck very similar to the one we used to live in.  He's not home often, but when we hear him pull up the drive, we both stop for a second, and then start again.

Living in the Pete wasn't an easy time, but we both miss it a lot.

Amber came over for dinner last night with her girls.  I tried my first recipe from my new Healthy Gluten-Free Life cookbook.  It was fine.  It was chicken.  I'm not a super big chicken fan, but everyone cleared their plates so I assumed that was a good sign.  (that, or Josh paid them all off.  which would not surprise me)

When Josh leaves our bed, our Beagle joins it.  I'm always surprised to find that a 40 lb dog can take up more of a bed than a 135 lb. man.  I ended up having to just get out of bed since he was pushing me off.  The bugger.

I was gone for several hours on Saturday doing the grocery shopping.  While I was gone my husband went Tazmanian devil on our house.  He cleaned, he scrubbed, he did laundry, he changed sheets, made beds, did dishes.  I came home to calm instead of chaos.  It did my heart good after such a stressful shopping trip.  I do not deserve him.  I know this.

Yesterday the girls and I sat for two hours straight doing school work.  Usually after 30 minutes I let them have a recess time.  Yesterday, not so much.  We got a lot done and hopefully a lot learned.  I talked with them about Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks.  I learned new things right along with them.

I haven't seen my mom since July.  That's so weird to me.  Weirder still is that I'm getting used to it.  I didn't think I would.  A couple of days ago Spice (4) was putting together a USA puzzle.  She picked up the piece for Nevada, kissed it and then looked at me.  "This is where Maugie lives and I miss her."  A few days before that she was peeling an onion for me and it made her teary.  "This is making me cry.  I'm not missing  Maugie this time."  Kid breaks my heart.  I don't realize just how much she thinks about my mom.

I stopped biting my fingernails again.  Me and my phases.  It's been a couple of weeks.  It'll last a few months and we'll repeat the process.  

I'm going away for the weekend without my husband or kiddos.  Trying to not feel guilty about it

The bubble on my nose is healing!  Thank goodness!  It's been a process but I found a YouTube video that helped and I'm so glad because on Friday (a really bad day emotionally for me) I was just ready to pull the nose ring out and see if that's what would heal the bubble.  Anyway, it still looks strange (lucky me) but at least it's in the healing process.

Ace just came barreling down the stairs which means my girls will wake up any minute.  Why can't that Beagle be a little lighter on his feet?  Sheesh.

Happy Wednesday.  

Share a bit of your random?

missing

when you dream about someone and can't stop thinking of them all the next day.  but the reason you had a dream about them in the first place is because you'd been thinking of them throughout the day before you'd even gone to bed.

and then the dream is bittersweet.

and you wake up sad and missing that person.

you smile with memories.

ache with memories.

and wonder what you can do different.

you've tried the, "I'm sorry, please talk to me" approach.

no use.

you've tried the wait it out until they talk to you approach.

no use.

this is me.  where i am.

i say i'm over it and i'm not sad anymore.

and i am lying.

because, how do you ever get over your sister?

you don't.

i'm tempted to not hit "publish" because maybe this is too much to say in a blog post.  but i'm so tired of worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.  oh so tired of it.  so.  i'm publishing.  

you can do it

It's amazing how powerful those four words are.

Armed with a grocery list, $400 cash and Starbucks I set out for Fred Meyer, Costco, Wal Mart, Winco and Yokes.  I figured between these five stores I'd be able to find all the ingredients for this new way of eating for our family.  Allergy free.

By store number four I pulled my cart to the side of the aisle and I stood there.  There was not much cash left and this was the store most of my ingredients would come from.  Yet I wasn't finding them.  I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.

The last week had been pretty awful and it was all coming to a head in a public place.

My eyes got watery.  My nose started to sting.  I was about to lose it in WinCo.

I'm not sure how I got my act together but I managed to not spill a tear.  I continued shopping and when all was said and done I spent $486 and still didn't find everything I needed.

$486 dollars.  Nearly two hundred over our regular budget for food and nearly a hundred over what I thought I'd need.  I knew that it would cost extra for this month so I gave myself a $100 extra.  Gluten Free shampoo, conditioner and lotion aren't cheap.  The flours aren't either.  None of it is.

It's just a lot.  A lot of work.  A lot of money.  A lot of everything I don't have.

And then there was the text from Jessica.

"You can do it."

And I took a deep breath and thought maybe she's right.  Maybe I can.

So.  Here we go.  Ready or not.  And I'm so not.

The Bubble

At the end of October I got my nose pierced.

I'm a big fan of piercings.  In high school I wanted to pierce my eyebrow but my then boyfriend wasn't thrilled with the idea. (stupid boys) (stupid me for listening)

The tongue piercings I never got into, at least not for myself, but I think they're cool.  My sister had her tongue pierced and I knew a guy who had it done, too.

When I was 22 I pierced my belly button.  If you've never pierced your belly button and you're considering doing it, ask for an epidural.  My pain tolerance is pretty high but ohmuhwerd.  That was a doozie.  I took it out about a week before I found out I was pregnant with Sugar, so I only had it a couple of years.  I'm still a little sad pants about that.  I liked it.

I have my ears pierced three times on each side.  Kinda boring.  Nothing exciting there.

The piercing I've loved most has always been the nose ring.  I'm always staring at people who have it done.  I love when I see people who just don't fit the stereotype of piercings but have them anyway.  Everyone has a story about why they pierce or tattoo, so I'm always curious about someone's reasoning behind it.

Anyway.

I have always loved the nose piercing.  I've wanted to pierce my own for a few years.  However, the husband wasn't too keen on the idea.  Over the last few years though he's come around (somewhat) and after I told him I wasn't going to put my hair in dreads, he asked if I was going to pierce my nose.

Um, yes!?

So I did.  I went to a place in Portland that my friend Jessica had gone to.  I was so nervous.  I've had a coupla babies, some pretty major surgeries, but here I am, afraid to have a needle through my nose?

Wuss.

I was expecting to pick out a very teeny tiny diamond stud.  Hardly noticeable.

But then they show me what I have to choose from and there is TURQUOISE!  And I love it and immediately say that's the one I want.  I do not at all pay attention to the fact that it's twice as big around as all the others I could have chosen.

The girl who was to pierce me pretty much rocked.  She had two piercings in her nose with a chain attaching them.  Tattoos.  Funky hair.  I kinda wanna be her.

I loved how she knew her stuff.  She talked me through the procedure.  Told me everything she was going to  do.  She recommended I close my eyes and so I did.  And then there was a moment, about two seconds of pain where the needle had gone through.  Then another second or so of pain after the ring went in.  I pierced my left nostril, and a tear from my left eye slipped down my face.

And I was done.  I did bleed a little and she said that was common.  "Did you happen to have coffee before you came in?"  Guilty.  Coffee, or caffeine, thins the blood.  She dabbed at it for me and then it was done.

I was done.

I walked downstairs where my husband waited patiently for me.  He's always so patient with me.  He just smiled his, "here she goes again" smile.  He ended up saying later he actually likes it.

The healing time written down for me was 2-6 months.  Sheesh.  There are daily soaks required in sea salt.  And I did these but not for long enough.  Which only became apparent after I developed a very large bubble around my nose ring.

Like, very large.  It is now larger than my nose ring.

So I asked Dr. Google what to do and could find nothing conclusive.  I finally called Black Hole yesterday and asked what to do.  He said, "you probably stopped your soaks and started messing with it, huh?"  Bingo.  He says I have an irritation cyst and that I now have to pretend that it's a brand new piercing.  Back to soaking it and babying it.  He says it could possibly take three weeks to heal.  Sigh.

Lesson learned.  Follow directions for piercings!  It's never made me want to take it out.  I love this thing.  I'm willing to endure another three weeks with this bubble.  I'd take a picture of it but I no longer have my iPhone.  (another post. another day)  So here's a pic from a couple months ago when it was bubble-less.

Not to be confused with bubble-iscious.

Do you have any piercings?

Want any piercings?

Have a bubble type story to share?

Spill it.

{smile pretty}

Happy Monday, friends!!

The four of us went out for dinner on Saturday night.  I asked my girls to smile pretty for a picture and the result was this...

That youngest child of mine.  She's a wild one.

No idea where she gets that behavior...

Have a great first day of the work/school week!!

xoxo

Allergy shmallergy is not a good attitude, but it's been mine.

Nearly three years ago we found out that my youngest was allergic to wheat/gluten, dairy, eggs, peanuts (moderately) and oranges.

I'm sad to say that I've done a pretty rotten job at keeping these foods from her diet.  I'm her mama, I'm the cook, and it all boils down to my being lazy.

It's hard to adjust an entire meal around just one person in the house.

We've recently noticed some other health issues that are concerning to us.  It's time I start putting her little self above my laziness.  Her scalp, her belly, her sleep habits, the bags under her eyes that are often purple-ish.  These are things that need to be taken care of.

For the last several weeks we've done a much better job at keeping foods away from her that cause harm to her.  It's difficult when we go to friend's or out to dinner and find that we let it slide then.  However, it's not long until she lets us know her belly hurts.

Food isn't the only thing with gluten.  Many of the products we put on our bodies have gluten as well, so I'll be cutting those out for all of us.  Pretty sure this is why, at nearly five years old, she still has "cradle cap" on her scalp.

This morning I told Josh, "maybe it's time we go granola."  We laughed.  Going green, natural, organic, whathaveyou is often pricey.  With our new budget in place I'm going to have to get creative.

Am I the only one who sees stuff on a shelf at the grocery store and just assumes if you can buy it, it must be okay to use?  I grab a deodorant or make up or lotion I've used for years and I don't think twice about the ingredients in those things.

We aren't going to get freaky, but I'm definitely going to start doing my research on stuff and start with one thing at a time.

So, if you're a friend or family member, please don't be offended if you invite us over and we have separate food for Spice.  We don't want you to have to adjust your menu for us, we know it's not easy to cook allergy free.  But we want her little body to start feeling better.

I'm going to be a slacker.

Last year my New Year's Resolution was to not live wired for regret.

I did a little better with that.  I think.  While I did stuff in 2012 I'm not super proud of, I didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on it.  Yay, me.

I started my list for this year.

It looked a little something like this:

Lose 10 lbs.
Run a half marathon.
Ride my bike at least once per week.
Gym 3x per week.
Fold AND put away laundry.
Make Josh's breakfast 3x per week.
Spend 30 minutes of one on one time with Sugar and Spice.
Send a letter once a week.
Email someone daily.

and on and on.

Those are things I want to do.

They're important to me.

But I think another thing I need to do is start going a lil easier on myself.  I suppose it's tied into not living wired for regret.  Same but different.  (Brian Regan, anyone?)

I've had enough people tell me, that I'm starting to believe it's true, that I'm pretty hard on myself.

In Chelsea's words, "I can tell you what's wrong with you, but not how to fix you.  Do you want to pass that on to your girls?"

No, no I do not.  I don't want to pass that lovely little characteristic on to my sweet girls.  I'd much rather them get my fantastic ability to use sarcasm at any time.

So Chelsea tells me what's wrong with me.  She's really good at that.  (love you!)  However, she can't fix me.  That's something I've gotta do.  I have to let stuff go.  I have to be okay with being me.  The screw up that I can be.  And boy can I be a screw up.

I did all the laundry but I didn't get it all put away in a timely manner.

Big freaking deal.  It's not the end of the world.

I made breakfast for Josh only two days this week.

Hey, better than none!

I went over the grocery budget.

Um, hello.  Not a big deal.  At least I'm actually trying to budget.

So that list above, the half marathon, the weight loss, etc.  Yep.  I have a year to get those things done.  I wanna do 'em.

But if I don't.  I'm just gonna let it slide and not feel like a complete and utter failure.

This goal of mine was basically my goal for what 32 would look like for me.  So for the last five months of 32 and the first 6 months of 33, we're gonna keep it up.

2013 is about offering myself a little slack.