The 14th Anniversary

I woke up with my heart beating fast.

Sweaty.

A panicky feeling.

Yesterday was a bad day with the girls.  Ugh.  I just wasn't very present.  I took them to the pool a couple towns over and watched them swim.

I stood there, alone.  Other moms talking to one another.  But I was by myself this day and thinking about what a loner I can be.

At one point Sugar came up and asked me to swim with her.  "I don't have any friends here today, Mom.  Swim with me!"  And I thought about how I didn't have any friends there that day, either.  So I got in and I waded around.  I had just showered and didn't want to get my hair wet, but I did go out with her.  She's feeling awfully brave in the water these days.  Spice, too.

But we came home and I felt yuck and I sat with my Jodi Picoult book.  I warmed up some hot dogs, cut up some carrots, handed them a Capri Sun and called it lunch.  They played Legos and ate their food and I'm not sure I spoke to them for the next couple of hours.

I went to my bed.  I laid there.  The girls came upstairs and put in The Princess Bride.  They settled into their movie and I went out and laid in the pool.

Josh came home and I grabbed dinner and as soon as I had finished eating I sat outside with my book.

Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my dad drowning.

The day threw me.  Mostly the day before, but yesterday too.  I just end up feeling weird.  Off.  Like I'm not supposed to care or I'm supposed to care more.  That I remember him too much on that day or not enough.

So I was not a good mom yesterday, nor the day before.

And this morning I woke up in a panic that everyday is like yesterday and Monday.  Not all days are.  But many.  These days are just moving so fast and I can't keep up.  I feel like we're doing so much.  I feel like we're doing nothing at all.

Breathe, Sarah.  Breathe.

I'm realizing that I make everyday sound like a bad day.  Maybe I need to start writing about our good days.  Have those memories recorded.  We do have them.  I can be a good mama on occasion.

Just yesterday wasn't that day.

Case of the Mondays for Shiz

Yuck.

That's the only way I can describe this day.

House payment is due.  Other crap is due.  I had an unexpected trip outta town today that threw my normally scheduled day for a loop.

Everyone in the house is sick.

And crabby.

I'm probably the crabbiest.

I've been having dreams about my friends lately.  They leave me feeling ick.  Like there's something wrong.  Trying to fix it hasn't helped.  This is making me crabby.  Edgy.  Worried.

Our pipes are screwed up.  The washing machine is backing up into the tub.  The kitchen sink is not draining.  And my husband works 14 hours a day anymore and is, for some reason, tired when he comes home.  Fancy that.  So I hate to tell him this stuff is happening and that I need it fixed.  And if I thought I could take care of those things without his help, I would.

I can do a whole lot of the guy stuff around here, but when it comes to pipes I leave it to Josh.

For the last hour the kids have been disobedient.  Make that two hours.

On our way home from Yakima they were being naughty and I told them I was going to pull off the next exit and spank them both.  Then I realized I didn't have time for that.  (ain't nobody got time for that)  So I told them that instead of a spanking they were just going to go to bed when we got home and have some quiet time.

A few minutes later Sugar pipes up from the back seat, "can you just spank us instead?"  Kid is SMART.  A spanking is quick, quiet time is not.  So we come home and I say no, just go to bed.  And for the last hour they have been jumping off the top bunk of Sugar's bed into pillows.

There's been nothing quiet about quiet time today and my nerves are gone.  GONE.  It's now that I dream of daycare.  Or year round public school.  OR!  OR!  Boarding school!

Is it too early to mail order bride them?  Surely in some country girls marry at the ages of five and eight, right?

I'm dreaming of a throat that doesn't hurt.  Jeans that fit.  Boobs that are unaffected by PMS.  Obedient children.  Water and sand and fruity drinks and someone to serve them to me.

I also dream of a plumber.