Christmas is coming and I had really anticipated that this Christmas would be the Christmas my kids get it. That I would have done a good job in explaining and living out this season and they would understand and love Christmas for more than just the presents.
I think I'm sucking.
I feel like there's a lot of bickering and whining and crabby pants going on.
With my kids, too.
The other night Josh was reading Tabitha's Travels, our advent book, and I was reading some fiction piece of chit. It wasn't until I woke up in a panic the next morning that I realized what I'd been doing.
So I'm all panicky, sweaty. Realizing I'm this big fat failure of an example.
When am I going to get this mothering thing right?
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
don't be in such a hurry
Josh and I did all our Christmas shopping on Friday. Like...ALL OF IT. In one day. It was a little bit ridiculous and I don't think I wanna do that ever, ever again.
My mom watched the girls and had stressed the entire time that we needn't hurry to get back, enjoy ourselves, blah blah blah. I don't really work like that, I stress about everything, especially matters of time related issues.
If someone has my children, I need to hurry.
During our shopping trip I decided I wanted to go in this one clothing store I love (Vivo, if you're curious) to wander (quickly) around. This place is so me. All of it. There's a dress that says, "Hey, Sarah, I know you love me. Try me on." And I was like, "Hey, Baby, you're right. I do love you. Meet you in the dressing room in 3 minutes."
So that dress and I had a date in the dressing room.
But dressing rooms freak me out because I'm so nervous I'm being watched. I'm nervous there's someone on the other side of the mirror and they're staring at my flabby, stretch marked, cancer scarred belly and my hang to my knees saggy boobs. I'm nervous that the cameras throughout the store are pointed toward the mirror inside the dressing room. I'm nervous someone is going to walk in on me at any moment.
So I'm rushing. I try the dress on and fall in love. We make out for a minute. And then I'm rushing to get changed and out the door.
I put on my jeans, my shoes, grab the dress and head out the door.
Without my shirt.
Because that is my life.
How does a person start to walk out of a dressing room without their shirt? I don't know! But I did it!
And now my fear of dressing rooms has been increased. It may be awhile before I can step inside another.
My mom watched the girls and had stressed the entire time that we needn't hurry to get back, enjoy ourselves, blah blah blah. I don't really work like that, I stress about everything, especially matters of time related issues.
If someone has my children, I need to hurry.
During our shopping trip I decided I wanted to go in this one clothing store I love (Vivo, if you're curious) to wander (quickly) around. This place is so me. All of it. There's a dress that says, "Hey, Sarah, I know you love me. Try me on." And I was like, "Hey, Baby, you're right. I do love you. Meet you in the dressing room in 3 minutes."
So that dress and I had a date in the dressing room.
But dressing rooms freak me out because I'm so nervous I'm being watched. I'm nervous there's someone on the other side of the mirror and they're staring at my flabby, stretch marked, cancer scarred belly and my hang to my knees saggy boobs. I'm nervous that the cameras throughout the store are pointed toward the mirror inside the dressing room. I'm nervous someone is going to walk in on me at any moment.
So I'm rushing. I try the dress on and fall in love. We make out for a minute. And then I'm rushing to get changed and out the door.
I put on my jeans, my shoes, grab the dress and head out the door.
Without my shirt.
Because that is my life.
How does a person start to walk out of a dressing room without their shirt? I don't know! But I did it!
And now my fear of dressing rooms has been increased. It may be awhile before I can step inside another.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
it's not magic, folks.
2014 is coming up. In case you haven't looked at a calendar recently.
I, like many of you, have been thinking about my goals for the New Year. I think I made some last year, but I'm not sure I met them. I don't even remember them. But I've been focused on living more intentionally and that's what I plan for 2014. Be intentional with my time, my goals, my people, my health.
While thinking about my health/fitness goals for 2014 I kept thinking about running.
Running may as well be a four letter word. I would much rather ride my bike for three hours than run for 30 minutes. You think I am exaggerating. I am not.
Dead serious.
So yesterday while I'm thinking about running and goals I text Jessica. (side note: I always wonder if she rolls her eyes when a text from me comes through because they are so random.) I asked her if someone who is not a runner, who in fact HATES to run, could make a goal to run a half and full marathon in the same year. I loved her first reply: "hmm."
I love that she doesn't just jump in with an answer I want to hear but takes the time to reply what I need to hear. (I've told you guys before, you need a Jessica in your life.) (Just not mine, she's taken.)
Off and on all day yesterday I was thinking about running. Thinking about it makes me groan. Roll my eyes. Get crabby. Why do I hate it so much? This morning while blow-drying my hair I realized something.
I don't hate running!
I hate not being the best at running.
Realizing that I don't want to do something just because I am not, nor will I ever be, the best was a pretty ugly realization. That says so much to me about so many areas of my life.
So I shut off the blow dryer, got out my favorite Sharpie and a piece of paper and penned my 2014 goals.
I'll start in February with a 3 mile run, St. Patrick's Day always has a 5 or 10k, I'd like to do the 10. In May I'm going to attempt my first half marathon. 13 miles. Then July holds STP. Seattle to Portland on my bicycle. 200 miles. October holds the Portland Marathon. I really considered a full as one of my goals, but I honestly am not feeling it at this point. Maybe as the months and training goes on, I'll get there, but for now I'm going to be proud of myself for the halves I've signed up for.
I'm going to do this.
It's not going to be easy. And I'm going to want to give up. It's not always going to be fun. But it's always going to be worth it.
(and now begins the real reason for this post)
With the New Year approaching I've seen many FB posts with people wanting their friends to join their weight loss programs. Get results! No pills! No this! No that! But lots of results! Almost like magic!
I call bullshit.
Yeah, I said it.
Weight loss is not magic.
A healthy life is not magic.
It's hard work and it's determination.
To achieve a healthy lifestyle, to achieve weight loss, to see results - literally takes blood, sweat, and tears.
I can attest to this because I have fallen off my bike, scraped my elbows, knees, wrists. I have sweat from workout after workout and I have cried because I'm tired of those workouts and I have cried from falling off my bike.
But not all tears were out of pain.
Many were out of success.
I've been extremely frustrated by these posts. These ads. These gimmicks.
Friends, I'm sorry to say, but losing weight is not easy as 1, 2, 3. It's not as easy as signing up to receive pills, or shakes, or meals. It's not counting calories, or cutting out bread, or meat, or sugar, or beer (Oh, Lord, not the beer! don't take mah liquid gluten!)
It is, however, about cutting down on those things. Not eating (or drinking) as many of those things. Stop depriving yourself of those things you love, you'll just end up binging on them later and you'll beat yourself up for it, give up, feel defeated and be a Sad Pants Sally.
But it's also this:
It is about getting off our asses and moving.
It is sweating and it is hard.
It is time consuming and it is hard.
It is self-control and it is hard.
It is determination and it is hard.
It is not magic.
It is not pills.
It is not shakes.
It is not sugar-free, carb-free, gluten-free, meat-free, fat-free, taste-free.
It is, however, persevering. It is not giving up. It's about failing but starting again.
You don't have to pay someone to help you lose weight. To tell you what you can and cannot eat. What pill to take or shake to down. I can say all of this because I've lived it. I've done it.
That picture on the left (153 lbs). I can't believe I was her. That picture on the right (123 lbs), I wish I still looked like that. But over the course of a few months, I've eaten more and exercised less and I have 10 extra lbs to show for it. However, I'm back on track, paying attention to portions (still eating chocolate and drinking beer) and getting up at 6 AM (ew!) to work out at home. I've also been to the gym once this week and will go again tonight.
But I'm not the only one who has busted her ass to make improvements, to better herself, to lose weight, to get healthy.
A couple hardcore, amazing examples of people I know:
My friend Melissa is engaged to a guy named Matt. Matt was in a mountain biking accident four years ago that resulted in him being paralyzed. Reading through his blog posts from that time and seeing that immediately after his accident he could hardly move his arms, at one point couldn't even lift a single pound but I asked today and found that he is lifting, get this, 60 lbs! How can he do this? Because the man hasn't given up. Because he busts his butt. Hours upon hours.
Not only can Matt lift 60 lbs, he's also standing. Standing!
He didn't get to this point because he sat and did nothing. He hasn't gotten stronger because he popped magic pills. It's his determination to never give up.
So freaking inspiring.
*i know Matt's story is not one of weight loss, but it is a story of what can happen when you are determined to change your life, to not give up, to work hard, and see results.*
Another friend of mine, Mark, used to weigh 307 lbs. He's Josh's height (5'8"ish). One day the man decided to take control of his health. It hasn't been an overnight change. And it wasn't a month or six months. It wasn't a year. It was more than that. His journey started in 2006. But it was in January of 2011 that shiz got real and Mark started running. He has run and pedaled mile after mile to lose 130 lbs.
Let me type that for you again.
The dude has lost 130 lbs.
He's held the same weight for several months.
It wasn't magic, guys. It wasn't some pyramid scheme that got these guys where they are today. It was a lot of freaking hard work! It was hours of their time.
Three years ago Jessica was posting her running updates to FB. What I loved most about her updates wasn't that she made the work out seem easy, she made it seem doable.
Friends, changing your life to get healthy, to get fit, is never easy. And it's not magic.
But it's always doable.
And it's always worth it.
I, like many of you, have been thinking about my goals for the New Year. I think I made some last year, but I'm not sure I met them. I don't even remember them. But I've been focused on living more intentionally and that's what I plan for 2014. Be intentional with my time, my goals, my people, my health.
While thinking about my health/fitness goals for 2014 I kept thinking about running.
Running may as well be a four letter word. I would much rather ride my bike for three hours than run for 30 minutes. You think I am exaggerating. I am not.
Dead serious.
So yesterday while I'm thinking about running and goals I text Jessica. (side note: I always wonder if she rolls her eyes when a text from me comes through because they are so random.) I asked her if someone who is not a runner, who in fact HATES to run, could make a goal to run a half and full marathon in the same year. I loved her first reply: "hmm."
I love that she doesn't just jump in with an answer I want to hear but takes the time to reply what I need to hear. (I've told you guys before, you need a Jessica in your life.) (Just not mine, she's taken.)
Off and on all day yesterday I was thinking about running. Thinking about it makes me groan. Roll my eyes. Get crabby. Why do I hate it so much? This morning while blow-drying my hair I realized something.
I don't hate running!
I hate not being the best at running.
Realizing that I don't want to do something just because I am not, nor will I ever be, the best was a pretty ugly realization. That says so much to me about so many areas of my life.
So I shut off the blow dryer, got out my favorite Sharpie and a piece of paper and penned my 2014 goals.
I'll start in February with a 3 mile run, St. Patrick's Day always has a 5 or 10k, I'd like to do the 10. In May I'm going to attempt my first half marathon. 13 miles. Then July holds STP. Seattle to Portland on my bicycle. 200 miles. October holds the Portland Marathon. I really considered a full as one of my goals, but I honestly am not feeling it at this point. Maybe as the months and training goes on, I'll get there, but for now I'm going to be proud of myself for the halves I've signed up for.
I'm going to do this.
It's not going to be easy. And I'm going to want to give up. It's not always going to be fun. But it's always going to be worth it.
(and now begins the real reason for this post)
With the New Year approaching I've seen many FB posts with people wanting their friends to join their weight loss programs. Get results! No pills! No this! No that! But lots of results! Almost like magic!
I call bullshit.
Yeah, I said it.
Weight loss is not magic.
A healthy life is not magic.
It's hard work and it's determination.
To achieve a healthy lifestyle, to achieve weight loss, to see results - literally takes blood, sweat, and tears.
I can attest to this because I have fallen off my bike, scraped my elbows, knees, wrists. I have sweat from workout after workout and I have cried because I'm tired of those workouts and I have cried from falling off my bike.
But not all tears were out of pain.
Many were out of success.
I've been extremely frustrated by these posts. These ads. These gimmicks.
Friends, I'm sorry to say, but losing weight is not easy as 1, 2, 3. It's not as easy as signing up to receive pills, or shakes, or meals. It's not counting calories, or cutting out bread, or meat, or sugar, or beer (Oh, Lord, not the beer! don't take mah liquid gluten!)
It is, however, about cutting down on those things. Not eating (or drinking) as many of those things. Stop depriving yourself of those things you love, you'll just end up binging on them later and you'll beat yourself up for it, give up, feel defeated and be a Sad Pants Sally.
But it's also this:
It is about getting off our asses and moving.
It is sweating and it is hard.
It is time consuming and it is hard.
It is self-control and it is hard.
It is determination and it is hard.
It is not magic.
It is not pills.
It is not shakes.
It is not sugar-free, carb-free, gluten-free, meat-free, fat-free, taste-free.
It is, however, persevering. It is not giving up. It's about failing but starting again.
You don't have to pay someone to help you lose weight. To tell you what you can and cannot eat. What pill to take or shake to down. I can say all of this because I've lived it. I've done it.
That picture on the left (153 lbs). I can't believe I was her. That picture on the right (123 lbs), I wish I still looked like that. But over the course of a few months, I've eaten more and exercised less and I have 10 extra lbs to show for it. However, I'm back on track, paying attention to portions (still eating chocolate and drinking beer) and getting up at 6 AM (ew!) to work out at home. I've also been to the gym once this week and will go again tonight.
But I'm not the only one who has busted her ass to make improvements, to better herself, to lose weight, to get healthy.
A couple hardcore, amazing examples of people I know:
My friend Melissa is engaged to a guy named Matt. Matt was in a mountain biking accident four years ago that resulted in him being paralyzed. Reading through his blog posts from that time and seeing that immediately after his accident he could hardly move his arms, at one point couldn't even lift a single pound but I asked today and found that he is lifting, get this, 60 lbs! How can he do this? Because the man hasn't given up. Because he busts his butt. Hours upon hours.
Not only can Matt lift 60 lbs, he's also standing. Standing!
He didn't get to this point because he sat and did nothing. He hasn't gotten stronger because he popped magic pills. It's his determination to never give up.
So freaking inspiring.
*i know Matt's story is not one of weight loss, but it is a story of what can happen when you are determined to change your life, to not give up, to work hard, and see results.*
Another friend of mine, Mark, used to weigh 307 lbs. He's Josh's height (5'8"ish). One day the man decided to take control of his health. It hasn't been an overnight change. And it wasn't a month or six months. It wasn't a year. It was more than that. His journey started in 2006. But it was in January of 2011 that shiz got real and Mark started running. He has run and pedaled mile after mile to lose 130 lbs.
Let me type that for you again.
The dude has lost 130 lbs.
He's held the same weight for several months.
It wasn't magic, guys. It wasn't some pyramid scheme that got these guys where they are today. It was a lot of freaking hard work! It was hours of their time.
Three years ago Jessica was posting her running updates to FB. What I loved most about her updates wasn't that she made the work out seem easy, she made it seem doable.
Friends, changing your life to get healthy, to get fit, is never easy. And it's not magic.
But it's always doable.
And it's always worth it.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
let's be silly together
Yesterday the girls and I had a fantastic school day. To top it off, Josh came home from work early and said we should head to the store to get coffee.
OKAY!
We told the girls to get coats and shoes (and half an hour later we were heading out the door).
(kidding, it was only like 20 minutes later.)
When Spice came out saying she was ready, she was sporting a pretty fashionable hair do. "Do you like it Mama, am I pretty?"
"Baby girl, you are GORGEOUS and I want my hair just like yours!"
So I put my hair up in as high a pony tail as I could and out the door and to the store we went. She beamed the entire time.
This kid makes my heart happy.
Monday, December 09, 2013
small changes
This morning I started my day off with today's workout from this blog. (click link to check it out)
Fairly short. Not at all sweet. (like me)
It was good. I'm glad it's over for the day.
As I've been thinking about this weight gain and lack of working out I've just felt so down. And for a solid 2.5 years I was feeling really good. I want to get back to that feeling again. I may not be able to put all the miles in on my bike that I'd like to, I may not be able to hit the gym three times per week like I used to, but I can pay attention to the amount of food I'm consuming, I can pay attention to what kind of food I'm consuming. And I can also do some home workouts to keep my heart rate up.
I'm not that girl who will cut out everything bad and replace it with all that is good for me.
I like beer too much for that.
Lately I've been enjoying a candy bar at least every evening. But I only enjoy it for the few seconds I'm eating it and then I'm sad pants.
I think a candy bar per week sounds much better.
I just want to start making a few healthier decisions here and there.
I want to feel strong again. I want to be strong again.
But I also don't wanna overwhelm myself (like I'm known to do) by jumping in all the way. Baby steps, Sarah. Baby steps.
Fairly short. Not at all sweet. (like me)
It was good. I'm glad it's over for the day.
As I've been thinking about this weight gain and lack of working out I've just felt so down. And for a solid 2.5 years I was feeling really good. I want to get back to that feeling again. I may not be able to put all the miles in on my bike that I'd like to, I may not be able to hit the gym three times per week like I used to, but I can pay attention to the amount of food I'm consuming, I can pay attention to what kind of food I'm consuming. And I can also do some home workouts to keep my heart rate up.
I'm not that girl who will cut out everything bad and replace it with all that is good for me.
I like beer too much for that.
Lately I've been enjoying a candy bar at least every evening. But I only enjoy it for the few seconds I'm eating it and then I'm sad pants.
I think a candy bar per week sounds much better.
I just want to start making a few healthier decisions here and there.
I want to feel strong again. I want to be strong again.
But I also don't wanna overwhelm myself (like I'm known to do) by jumping in all the way. Baby steps, Sarah. Baby steps.
Friday, December 06, 2013
Intentional December
It happens to me every year.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays zoom by and the new year comes and I'm like, "whoa. Totally missed the holiday season. "
I feel like I coast through November and December in a rush of grocery shopping, Christmas present shopping, wrapping, etc. without just enjoying the days.
I decided I would do December different this year.
I'd be intentional with it.
So I wrote out all the days in the month of December and I've planned specific activities to do with Josh and the girls so that when the month is over I'll know we lived it. Enjoyed it.
Activities include:
Read Tabitha's Travels every night before bed.
Make an Advent wreath. (i bought terracotta pots, some moss, some candles, and let the girls paint the pots. then i put in the candles and filled the pots with beans to hold said candles in place. then covered the beans with moss. thank you, Pinterest.)
Decorating the house. (we did this Sunday)
Hanging Christmas lights. (was supposed to be done on Tuesday, but holy cold front, Batman.)
Christmas movie nights each Friday of the month. (i bought Elf, Charlie Brown Christmas, and Miracle on 34th St.)
Lighted Implement Parade. (tomorrow. it's supposed to be like 7 degrees. i'm gonna freeze off the nips!)
Christmas cookies.
Visit Josh's grandma in the nursing home. (i'm terrible at this but need to get back to making it a weekly thing.)
Christmas baking.
Go to Miner's for dinner and then drive around looking at Christmas lights.
Christmas shopping date with Josh. (he's taken a vacation day for next Friday and my mom has offered to watch the girls. we're going to get all our shopping done in one go and do lunch and a movie.)
Christmas Eve. (we always let the girls open one gift. it's always jammies. so they can have pretty, matching jammies for Christmas morning pictures.)
Now, all of these things may have happened whether I wrote them down or not. But I'm guessing not.
Also, the last couple of days I've felt that it would probably be best if I gave up Facebook and Twitter for the rest of the month. I love those places. I do. But they can be a distraction and with as busy as this month is, I just don't need the distraction.
I'll still be on Instagram (are we friends there? sarah_lee63 is my username) and of course Pinterest because how can you do Christmas without Pinterest?! ;)
I'll also blog. Probably about as much as I'm doing now. (uh, which hasn't been much...)
Do you have any Christmas traditions? I wanna know.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays zoom by and the new year comes and I'm like, "whoa. Totally missed the holiday season. "
I feel like I coast through November and December in a rush of grocery shopping, Christmas present shopping, wrapping, etc. without just enjoying the days.
I decided I would do December different this year.
I'd be intentional with it.
So I wrote out all the days in the month of December and I've planned specific activities to do with Josh and the girls so that when the month is over I'll know we lived it. Enjoyed it.
Activities include:
Read Tabitha's Travels every night before bed.
Make an Advent wreath. (i bought terracotta pots, some moss, some candles, and let the girls paint the pots. then i put in the candles and filled the pots with beans to hold said candles in place. then covered the beans with moss. thank you, Pinterest.)
Decorating the house. (we did this Sunday)
Hanging Christmas lights. (was supposed to be done on Tuesday, but holy cold front, Batman.)
Christmas movie nights each Friday of the month. (i bought Elf, Charlie Brown Christmas, and Miracle on 34th St.)
Lighted Implement Parade. (tomorrow. it's supposed to be like 7 degrees. i'm gonna freeze off the nips!)
Christmas cookies.
Visit Josh's grandma in the nursing home. (i'm terrible at this but need to get back to making it a weekly thing.)
Christmas baking.
Go to Miner's for dinner and then drive around looking at Christmas lights.
Christmas shopping date with Josh. (he's taken a vacation day for next Friday and my mom has offered to watch the girls. we're going to get all our shopping done in one go and do lunch and a movie.)
Christmas Eve. (we always let the girls open one gift. it's always jammies. so they can have pretty, matching jammies for Christmas morning pictures.)
Now, all of these things may have happened whether I wrote them down or not. But I'm guessing not.
Also, the last couple of days I've felt that it would probably be best if I gave up Facebook and Twitter for the rest of the month. I love those places. I do. But they can be a distraction and with as busy as this month is, I just don't need the distraction.
I'll still be on Instagram (are we friends there? sarah_lee63 is my username) and of course Pinterest because how can you do Christmas without Pinterest?! ;)
I'll also blog. Probably about as much as I'm doing now. (uh, which hasn't been much...)
Do you have any Christmas traditions? I wanna know.
Thursday, December 05, 2013
where i post my stupid weight
Nearly two months ago I posted that it was high time I start losing weight again. And in those two months I've lost exactly zero pounds.
Awesome, no?
I just haven't had any oomph to get out the door and off my ever growing arse.
I went running last Friday morning. I haven't run in I don't know how long. But I decided to put on some spandex and my running shoes and hit some pavement. I ran 3.2 miles and the next day I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out of bed. So freaking sore! It's been nearly a week and I still feel sore.
I need to do something. Something different. Something that's going to inspire me to work hard. So I'm going to go back to posting about this shiz on my blog. I'll weigh in weekly, posting that bit of fabulous news here and make you folks my accountability partners.
Please and thank you.
I know tomorrow is Friday, but I know what I weigh right now, so let's just get this crap started.
Let's start with my goal. My goal is to get back to my 123 that I was a solid two years. It's been nearly a year since I've seen that on the scale. My incentive is a brand spankin' new pair of jeans. I almost always buy my jeans second hand. The last pair I bought in Portland were new and fairly inexpensive, but you get what you pay for with jeans. They're cute, but they don't fit well. You should feel one with your jeans. :) The jeans I love are about $100. I haven't spent that much on a pair of jeans in about 10 years. So, this is a pretty exciting incentive for me.
I currently weigh (ugh) 135 lbs. This kinda freaks me out. Especially to post it for the world. But I think this is what I need to help me get back on track.
12 lbs. I can do this.
I have a wedding to go to mid February, I'd like to have reached my goal by that time.
Go, Team!
Awesome, no?
I just haven't had any oomph to get out the door and off my ever growing arse.
I went running last Friday morning. I haven't run in I don't know how long. But I decided to put on some spandex and my running shoes and hit some pavement. I ran 3.2 miles and the next day I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out of bed. So freaking sore! It's been nearly a week and I still feel sore.
I need to do something. Something different. Something that's going to inspire me to work hard. So I'm going to go back to posting about this shiz on my blog. I'll weigh in weekly, posting that bit of fabulous news here and make you folks my accountability partners.
Please and thank you.
I know tomorrow is Friday, but I know what I weigh right now, so let's just get this crap started.
Let's start with my goal. My goal is to get back to my 123 that I was a solid two years. It's been nearly a year since I've seen that on the scale. My incentive is a brand spankin' new pair of jeans. I almost always buy my jeans second hand. The last pair I bought in Portland were new and fairly inexpensive, but you get what you pay for with jeans. They're cute, but they don't fit well. You should feel one with your jeans. :) The jeans I love are about $100. I haven't spent that much on a pair of jeans in about 10 years. So, this is a pretty exciting incentive for me.
I currently weigh (ugh) 135 lbs. This kinda freaks me out. Especially to post it for the world. But I think this is what I need to help me get back on track.
12 lbs. I can do this.
I have a wedding to go to mid February, I'd like to have reached my goal by that time.
Go, Team!
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