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i learned to make tortillas recently.  my friend candee's mom taught me.

i'm enjoying the rainy day.

we recently took an unplanned trip to seattle.  we were gone for 12 hours and it was such a fantastic day there.

i celebrated with my friend sara at her wedding shower yesterday.  i loved being introduced as her twitter friend and having her family laugh at us.  twitter, it's like a dating match up site...but for friends. :)

i bought a new shirt that i love and earrings, too.  i've already lost them.  the earrings, not the shirt.  that would be awkward...

attending a newold church is different.  there are friends there.  it is close by.  i am home by 11.  there's no rush to get out the door.  there's no 40 minute drive.  i'm still not sure how i feel about being there.

josh's grandma broke her hip.  then his grandpa was in the hospital too.  and it's strange.  it's strange because they are getting older.  they are older.  and i can tell it's weighing on my husband.

my mom was in the hospital last week.  and she lives a thousand miles away now so i can't just go help.  i can't just be at her side.

for a girl who likes change, some of it i do not.

my ex-stepdad sent me an email on mother's day.  unexpected and sweet.

i don't like mother's day.  i equate it with valentine's day.  

if not for a handful of people i would delete facebook.  i am so tired of it.  i really am.  it's sad that out of the 306 friends facebook says i have, a handful ruin it.  but a handful keep me there.

sugar said damnit the other day and i thought josh and i were going to die laughing.  she spent time at my aunt's house and picked it up there.  we only say bastard, pissed, crap and the f word here.  so she didn't learn damnit from us.  ;)  i'm kidding on the words we use.

mostly.

i have a stepdad.  i have for like 7 months.  i've never met him.  odd, right?  I KNOW.  one sister has met him.  the other will soon.  i sent him a text along these lines, "and so we save the best for last."  

i ride my bike with the crew on saturdays and josh goes on sundays and we so rarely get to go together.  for years i know he would have loved for me to love cycling as much as he does and now that i do, we have children and we have no babysitter and we have to do this hobby that we love separately.  it's hard.

i'm noticing an impatience in my 6 yr old these days.  she gets it from me.  it's ugly to see the parts of you that need to change coming out of your child.  i want better for her.  i want her to be so much better than me.

josh just called and he can tell something is wrong with me and he asks and i tell him nothing.  he knows me well though.  usually he pesters me til i tell him, right now he didn't.  maybe he's over me.  kiddiiiing.

my friend natalie came to visit last week.  so much fun hanging out with her.

my hair is extremely big and curly today but with no product in it, it's very soft.  

i got my feelings hurt so badly a week and a half ago and i steeled myself to not cry until i got home.  so i waited til i got home and josh saw my face and asked what was wrong and i was a blubbering mess of an idiot.  and he's quick to tell me when i've overreacted and when yes, it's okay to have my feelings hurt.  that was one of those times.  i didn't overreact.  but i cried my bitty heart out.

we refinanced our house. did i mention this already? we started 12.5 yrs ago with a 7.5% interest rate, or maybe it was higher.  then we went to a 5.  and now we've just refi'd at 3.25.  i'm a happy camper.  10 more years and this bad girl is paid off.  and 8 yrs early at that.  sooner if we tried harder.  we'll see...

i was mad at God last week.  honestly i still am.  friends of mine are hurting and i just don't get it.  and i get so mad.  and i just ask why.  why God why.

am i allowed to do that?  well i've done it.

i'm going to go make dinner now and start laundry and make it look like i've done something other than not doing anything all day.

I forgot the ice cream and my house wasn't perfectly clean and that's just really okay.

This has been one of the best weekends I can remember having in a long time.

It seems as the years go on I get more and more comfortable with entertaining.  It's gone from Josh inviting people to our home so I would have to clean it, to me inviting people over but panicking that I wouldn't make the right food or something would go wrong, to me inviting people over and fussing over everything and never allowing anyone to help, to this weekend:

Saturday I had a certain someone's fourth birthday party to get ready for.  Her party was at three.  I rode my bike with friends from 8 until noon, came home, decided it was a good a time as any to make the cupcakes and set out the paper plates, napkins, etc.

Amber showed up early (of course) and she helped me frost the cupcakes.  10 minutes til party time and I realize I don't have candles or ice cream.  Um.  Oops?

We run to the store.  And when we get back to my house everyone had beat us there.  Seven of the eight children and the men were outside at our redneck swingset and soon the 23 of us packed into the living room, singing to a sweet birthday girl.  My sister and Amber dished ice cream and cupcakes.  I mingled.  Made sure everyone was happy.  Enjoyed family.  Friends.

Instead of wanting to open gifts Spice asked to go back outside to play. This is where if I hadn't carried her for nine months and birthed her I'd wonder if she was mine, because hello, birthday = presents.  NOW.

Everyone headed outside where children were pushed ridiculously high on the swing, adults and children raced from one end of the pasture and back, while others played in a freezer box.  It's always the box that's the hit at a party, is it not?

Birthday girl decided it was time for presents and we all headed back in.

Half our guests left around 5 but my sister, BIL, niece, nephew, Trevor, his fabulous wife, Megan, and their boys and Amber and her girls stuck around.  I pulled meatballs out of the freezer earlier in the afternoon in case anyone wanted to stay for dinner.

So, we all worked in the kitchen together getting things prepped.  Josh entertained kids, Trevor made drinks and then he and I peeled potatoes, my sister and Amber and I got meatballs going, Trevor cut up the potatoes for the stove, Megan poured everyone an amazing wine, Amber's girls set the table and we laughed and sang and danced.

And enjoyed the company of friends.

I loved having everyone close by.  Either sitting at the bar and talking or squeezing by one another in the kitchen.  It didn't bother me that I hadn't done all the work ahead of time.  And I realized my friends were enjoying themselves by getting to be a part of dinner making.

This morning I saw Josh's brother and sister-in-law at the gas station after church.  They live about an hour away.  We said goodbye and then I realized, heck, why not invite them over for lunch?!  I told them I was making a new recipe but they were more than welcome to come over to my still messy from yesterday's events home and be my guinea pigs.  And so they did.  And my kitchen was messy from yesterday, my living room too.  I just didn't care.  I just wanted them there.  I just wanted to make them lunch and have fun.

It's taken a whole lotta years for me to realize that having company over doesn't have to be a stressful time, I don't have to do all the work myself, my house does not have to be in tip top shape (heck, I still have a billion areas of my house that are just drywall without mud, tape or paint) and I don't have to remember every last detail.  It's about the food, the laughter and most importantly, the togetherness.

All of that to say, don't wait until you feel like you have the perfect house, the perfect menu, the perfect set up for company.  Your friends, your family - they don't care about that.  They just enjoy being invited over.  They enjoy food.

They enjoy you.

Relax, and enjoy them.

And then she was four

6 months. Still able to be bathed in the sink. 

1.5 yrs old. When we lived in the Peterbilt.

Mama wears this to do dishes, too.

3 yrs old

weeks shy of four. oh you melt this mama heart.

Everyone talks about 'firsts' but today is your last.

Your last day to be three.

I snuggled you tight at bedtime and told you that tomorrow you'd be four.

And you giggled like crazy.

I loved you as a baby.  At one and then two.  You've been a kick at three.  Oh, have you been a kick at three.

And I know you're going to rock being four.

I love you, sweet Alison girl.

Happy Birthday.

love,

mama

Grace? Huh, what?

So I wrote this post yesterday.

And then read this post today.

Thinking maybe I don't give myself enough grace.  Maybe I am too hard on myself.

Maybe I should take baby steps instead of my all or nothing attitude.  You're nodding your head like, "duh" while I'm having a light bulb moment.

Some of us {ahem, me} are slower than others.

I think the best way for me to start being the girl I wanna be is to set small goals.  Weekly, itty bitty goals.

Since it's nearly Friday I do believe I'll wait to set said goals until Sunday.  Then I'll post 'em on Monday.

{and try not to kick myself, offer myself grace on Friday when I don't have them all completed}

Is it easy for you to give yourself grace?  I feel like for me it's easier to offer it to others than myself.

Will 32

i'm 32 days from my 32nd birthday.  i wonder if 32 is my year.  my year to get my shit together.

{pardon}

will i stop being such a screw up?  will i finally get it right?

is this the year i get up at 6 am to feed my husband breakfast?  the year i don't get behind on laundry.  the year i quit losing my temper with my kids?

will i finally keep my rig cleaned?  and always have a well stocked pantry and freezer?

32 means i'm a grown up.  i'll make better financial decisions.  i'll stop buying coffee so often.  i'll do better with josh's paychecks.  yes i will.

this is the year i'll be a better daughter.  a better sister.  a better friend.  i'll stop sucking at those.

and this year my husband will always have clean clothes for work.  i'll know when he needs new shoelaces for his boots and i'll buy them before he even knows he needs them.  he'll never run out of shaving cream and a clean towel will always be waiting for when he's done in the shower.  and when he gets home from work i will not be frazzled but wear a smile and kiss him passionately and ask about his day.

when i turn 32 i'll care about my children's attire and have them dress in clothes that match instead of clothes that do not match.  i will comb their hair and put it in braids and they will look like little girls instead of little ragamuffins.

i will not want to quit homeschooling this year.  i will love it everyday.  and i will be good at it.  and my kids will learn.  and i will stop wanting to wave down the big, yellow bus at 7 am everyday.

is this the year i put others needs ahead of my own?  is this the year i stop being a selfish wretch?

the year i quit thinking about how big my nose is and how my tummy is wrinkly and my clothes are blah.

maybe this year FB, Twitter, my blog, your blog and Pinterest won't matter as much to me.  maybe this year i'll send thank you cards. and Christmas cards.  heck, maybe i'll even send out birthday cards.

32 means i'll read my bible daily and live out my faith, right?  maybe people will actually know i'm a Christian this year, huh?

is this the year to be comfortable in my own skin?

or will 32 be a repeat of my years gone by?  a repeat of who i don't like to be?