Finding my Joy again

From the time I was in middle school I've absolutely loved taking pictures. Maybe I should back up and say that from the time I was born I've absolutely loved having my picture taken. But then I had kids and I no longer enjoy having my picture taken.

But I do love being behind the camera.

Always have.

My mom bought me my first camera when I was a freshman in high school. I have picture after picture of the most random things (usually involving one of, if not all of these girls: Candee, Melissa and Lindsey) and of specific church events and school events. I love the memories that pictures bring.

About a year ago we purchased a digital Nikon. I now have way more camera than I need. More camera than I care for. Don't get me wrong, I love 'er. But mostly I like to point, shoot and enjoy the picture as is. I don't care about the editing. I don't care about removing the imperfections from the photo or trying to add to the photo to perfect it. Nothing's perfect...not my kids, not my yard, not my husband (though he's close) and most certainly not my photography skills.

Basically I have none.

I like to take pictures of my kids in our real life. Messy house, snotty faces, dirty looks, over-grown yard, cluttered driveway, clothes on the couch waiting to be folded.

I just don't care.

At least I didn't used to.

I noticed recently that I have not taken more than a handful of pictures since Christmas. And even those I haven't printed yet. I started thinking about why I hadn't been taking pictures. It didn't take me long to realize why I quit getting my normally-attached-to-my-neck camera out.

I've started comparing each and every picture I take to the pictures I see everyone else taking.

I started feeling bound with fear each time I turned my camera on.

I started worrying that posting a picture would be laughed at because the lighting was off, the angle wrong, or whatever else could be wrong about my picture.

By comparing myself to others I lost joy in what used to bring me a sense of happiness.

While realizing this, I also realized it doesn't stop with photography. It's been a running theme in nearly every area of my life.

I used to blog almost daily. Once I started this blog, I couldn't stop. I loved it.

Then I started reading other blogs. Seeing how funny, insightful, witty, deep, spiritual, crafty, frugal, perfectly punctuated other women were made me see that this blog of mine as a joke. I lost sight of my reason for starting it in the first place - so my girls could read about our lives through my eyes and my heart, so they'd know how much I love them and their daddy no matter how crazy I am and so they could hopefully learn from my mistakes and do better by their husbands and children.

I lost my joy in blogging when I started comparing my lil ol' blog with everyone elses.

I've told you many times that my dream in life was to be a wife and mama. If I'm living my dream, then where's the joy in it I once had? It's lost in my comparison of myself as a wife and mother with other women around me that I see doing it "better" or who are "successful" in their roles as wife and mom. I wasn't created to be those other women. I wasn't created to mother the way other women mother or be the wife that other women are. Yet I've been comparing myself to them for years now.

Because of it, I've lost the joy that comes with the blessing of being a wife and mom.

But I'm done.

I'm done with comparing me to them.

In every way - those I've listed and those I haven't.

I just want to be me. The wife and mama that I am. The photographer that I am - and of course I use that term loosely. The simple, no frills, useless blogger that I am.

Just me.

Finding joy again.