In May (or was it June?) of last year I received a very hurtful email.
From a "friend."
This person read my blog. Was someone I saw weekly. Spent time with. Thought I could trust.
One very warm afternoon as I pulled into the Costco parking lot, I pulled out my iPhone to check my email real quick and was excited to see an email from my "friend." Turns out I need not be excited but thankful that I was sitting down. She trashed me. She thought she was being helpful, I think. But really she just trashed me. Mostly, she trashed my beliefs.
And that's what really got me.
Most of you know I struggle with feeling down. Easily. Often.
Too often.
I beat myself up regularly. It's kinda like brushing my teeth.
Except that brushing my teeth is just a twice a day deal and beating myself up can often be an all day thing. What I'm saying is, is the negative thoughts I think toward myself is like second nature to me.
Always has been.
I fear it always will be.
I got another email.
Another email trashing me.
From someone closer.
Every thought I think about myself was confirmed in this email.
I know I'm fat but to have someone tell you that you are...wow.
There just aren't words.
To have someone throw your past in your face. The past you've tried to forgive yourself for, the past you've asked forgiveness for...owie.
To be blamed for something you're not responsible for...it's almost too much.
To be lied about. An out and out lie...a big one. One you can't defend, one you can't prove to not be true...I just don't even know what to do with that.
Last night I was sick. In my stomach. In my heart. We went to my in-laws, a place I love to be, and I just couldn't focus on my time with them. Today I went there to apologzie to them.
There's not going to be a response to the email I was sent. Because there's just nothing I can say.
My husband said he'd respond for me. That he would take care of it. I cannot tell you how loved and treasured I feel knowing I can let this go.
It's not going to be easy. The words were hurtful. So direct. So hateful.
But, I've been forgiven much.
I will forgive much.
12 comments:
hey...this is from another blog that I read....I hate that someone trashed you. I don't even know you and I wouldn't trash you....so I have a hard time with a close friend...or even friend...doing it....:
In God’s hands, your mistakes are not open cuts, they are healed scars that tell stories of great hope. They are not wounds to lie about, they are words other people need to hear. They are warning signs on roads your friends and family and neighbors are on. They are lighthouses in the midst of stormy weather. They are neon signs he uses to point the way toward repentance.
They are something to share.
I believe that when we roll up our sleeves and reveal healed scars, we reveal a God who makes us brand new. I believe that when we tell friends the truth about regrets, we tell friends about a God who knows no condemnation. I believe that when we tear off the wrapping paper of hurt, we show the gift of hope inside.
I believe in the power of share.
I don’t know what you believe about those two words, shame and share. They are so closely wound together and yet so opposite. They share everything but a single letter. The “r” is the only thing that changes “shame” to “share.” One little “r,” but it changes everything.
To me, the r stands for reborn.
To me, the r stands for renewed.
To me the r stands for redeemed.
One simple r, one continuous decision to chose share over shame. A one letter difference, but what a difference it makes. We see it when Christ returns. When overcome with doubt, what do the disciples do to verify the truth? To know that hope is real and returned?
They touch his scars.
Roll up your sleeves today.
Don’t hide. Don’t give in to shame.
Share.
xo Amy
Oooogie. (No, I don't think that's a real word, but one I use sometimes for whatever.) It is such a painful thing to be ripped to pieces like that - by someone you love (or at least ought to), no less.
You pour alot of your heart out here on your blog, and I've never thought bad of you, about anything!! You're an amazing, beautiful woman. Whoever can't see that is turning a blind, ignorant eye, and it's their loss.
I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't. Instead I will just pray for you as I go about the rest of my day.
I'm with Miriam, I feel like I would know you if I ran into you here in town (even though you are thousands of miles away) and even though you pour your heart out I'd still have the highest regard for you! that is so crazy that someone would be so miserable with themselves to purposefully cause you such pain.
Whether or not you continue blogging is your choice, but don't stop because someone was mean. Then they'd just be winning.
They do not even deserve to be responded to . . . ignore it and forget about them. You are much better than that!
haven't chatted with you in awhile...sorry about poopy people who hurt you. keep growin' girl and keep your chin up too!
What else can I say??
Everyone has already said it.
But I want to echo what Amy said. God touches others through those who are healed and scarred and formerly wounded. Never cover up those wounds. Isn't God in the business of renewing, refreshing, restoring and regrowing??? And I'm so glad He is!!
I don't know you in real life, but I know I would love you.
That person was never, ever your friend. True friends are those who know who you really are, who you used to be, and love you anyway.
I will pray that your heart will heal from the thoughtless and breaking words that that dumb ol' stinky nasty kaka person said about you.
Now is the time for you to do battle, battle in your mind. Get more familiar with what Jesus says about you...and repeat it over and over. Write those things on index cards and post them around your house.
You are special.
love you muchly! sorry you are hurting! Praying for healing!
I have met you in "real life", several times. (as you have often had to remind me. lol) :)
You have been a beautiful blessing to my life in your writings and sharing of your life and your heart... of your innermost feelings and thoughts. You have encouraged me and challenged me to be a better person. Inspired me to quit being such a shallow person. You have made me laugh when I had forgotten how to. You have brought joy to my life! Joy! You are wise and insightful. You build others up. You love deeply. You have taught me compassion. You've helped me cry when I really needed to. And it has been an honor to remember you and pray for you and your precious family.
It makes me so sad to the point of tears of how you beat yourself up. (I wrote to you about this before.. the guilty feelings...) I feel the sadness deeply for you because I am so good at beating myself up and know personally that pit.
But don't you dare let them speak such untruths over you. Don't you dare. You know who you are and who's you are. A daughter of the Almighty King! Don't take the hurtful words into you and let them resound in the depths of your soul. That is not you. That is one who is coming to steal, kill, and destroy who you are.
There are so many of us here in blog world and in the real world who have been so blessed by knowing you. You have added so much to other's lives.
Love you !
I know it's hard, but silence is the best revenge.
I know what you're going through. I've been there myself. I've responded, tried to salvage whatever friendship was left and now I'm left wondering if it was even worth it all.
Focus on the people that matter...the people that love you for you. That's what I'm trying to do. If there's anything I've learned, people say these things because of some inadequacy in their own lives or within themselves.
I applaud you for being able to let it go...that's something I'm still learning to do.
You are loved.
xoxo
So sorry that this happened to you. It's very hurtful when someone you trust is so unkind.
Pay attention to "Anonymous". What great advice. = ) Big hugs to you.
Ugh! I feel sick to my stomach just thinking that someone would send you a message like that. You are truly a beautiful person. I love how you encourage and uplift other people - even those you've never met - by sharing yourself.
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