19 weeks and 3 days

is not cute on me. Good thing my hair is!

Sorry I didn't post a picture last night. Jaylee got a fever and then started vomitting, that was fun.

I'm not a fan of this picture but really, who am I trying to impress?

Did I mention my husband moved the computer to our scary basement? That's why you see scary stuff all around me. At least it's warm in the basement.

Anyway, there are the matching hair and eyebrows. I'm rather enjoying it.

I Gots My Hair Did

My mother came over this morning to watch my child so I could go get my hair did. It was going to just be a cut but I decided to get 'er colored, too.

Husband asked what color.

"I'm going back to my natural color."

"Do we know what your natural color is?"

Since I had about 5" of roots, I thought she'd be able to work with that.

And she did. And now my hair matches my eyebrows. Amazing how that can be. It's been 13 years since they've done that!

Then I continued driving. I drove to a mall. All by myself. For hours! Did I mention I was all by myself? I was.

I was and I was lonely.

I passed the Cinnabon and a lady and her lil girl were sharing a milk and Cinnabon and I missed my lil girl (and I missed a Cinnabon, too).

But I pressed on. I finished my Christmas shopping. And I came home to a sweet girl I'd missed so much. It's so weird to me how I can miss her when I am with her 24! Hours! A! Day! EVERYDAY! But I did miss her.

And it was good to snuggle her when I got home.

And it's good to have eyebrows that match my hair.

Bugger, it's Monday

Usually I'm a fan of Mondays but today I'm tired. So, I'd like it to be Saturday. Then I could ask Josh to take care of Jaylee while I nap. Ooooh how nice that would be.

Friday night Amber and I went to my church's Ladies Dessert and Ornament Exchange. While there, I told a couple of the ladies I wanted a dad for Christmas. I've picked the perfect man for my mother. I tell them who he is and they agree. And he just happens to be at the church that night. Considered asking him first, "can you swim?" because really, that's important ya know?

But I didn't ask him that.

Instead I added to my most embarrassing moments list.

He was standing out by my car as we were leaving, so...I took a deep breath and said, "Mr. Jonas, do you date?"

His reply: "I'm married."

Thought about then asking, "So, that probably puts a damper on you marrying my mother?"

His wife doesn't come to church. I apologized, felt a bit sheepish, and told him I'd be praying for her.

I was really embarrassed. But mostly I'm sad. I really wanted him to be my dad for Christmas. I really wanted him to marry my mommy.

Guess I'll have to find another random man to ask if he dates. I just really had my heart set on that one.

For your enjoyment...

Amber made this for us. Us as in her and me but I'll say us as in you all and me.

She's on the left. I'm on the right. I can't stop watching it. Tears are streaming down my face. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Click here.

Jesus vs. Santa

*edited below*

Growing up my sisters and I believed in Santa Claus. We believed he came through the imaginary chimney of every apartment, house, duplex or fifth wheel we lived in. The smaller gifts under the tree were from our Mom but our main present said, "Love Santa" (in my mom's handwriting, just took me a few years to put that together).

I remember the day I found out Santa wasn't real. But even more, I remember the day my sister Erica found out he wasn't real.

Because I was the one who told her.

She was pestering me. Driving me nuts. The way younger sisters are supposed to I guess.

And I was a mean-spirited older sister. So, I told her. And she was crushed. Broke her heart. I actually felt bad for hurting her feelings. And I felt even worse when she sobbed to my mom about it and I got in trouble.

Growing up, Josh's family didn't do the whole Santa deal. Their emphasis was on Jesus. That Christmas was about Jesus. Growing up, we weren't part of a church, so I had no clue that was what Christmas was about.

When we got married we talked about what we'd have our children believe.

We didn't see eye-to-eye. He said our children wouldn't believe in Santa. I said they would. He told me that that's not what Christmas is about. I agreed but debated, "what harm is there in letting a child believe in something for a little while?"

He really had no answer.

It was a really good thing Jaylee wasn't born for seven years after that.

Before Jaylee was born, I was talking to my Aunt McKenna. She has a son a few years older than Jaylee and I remember talking to her about what her and my uncle were going to do for Landon at Christmas. Let him believe or not believe in Santa.

The response she gave me changed my heart toward allowing a child to believe in Santa Claus.

She told me they would not be talking about Santa at Christmas. She said that her and my uncle wanted Landon to trust them. How could they let him believe in Santa, whom he can see (on television, at Wal Mart, etc.) and also teach him about Jesus, whom he can't see, and then down the road, saaay when he's seven or eight, break the truth to him that Santa isn't real? First, he'd probably not understand being lied to and second, if they lied to him about Santa being real, who's to say that Jesus is real then?

Her point hit me. And I had to tell Josh he was right, it'd be best not to allow our children to believe in Santa.

I don't want to mislead Jaylee. I want her to trust me. And allowing her to believe in Santa, even for a few years, would be lying to her.

Jesus is the Reason for the Season.

*yes, I took Jaylee to get her pictures taken with Santa (not that it worked out). She was afraid. Asked who he was, so I told her he was a clown. A guy who dresses in silly clothes. She replies with, "oh." When she's older we'll discuss it further.*

Ever just wanna cuss?

Not me. Never me. I never use naughty words. At least not out loud...very often...

It's just been one of those days. One of those days where it's already bad and it's not even 9 a.m.!

I've done my dishes, well my dishwasher has done my dishes, I sent my Christmas cards out (then had a panic attack that people would think they are ugly) (I made my own this year) I got coffee for the husband that lately I'm adoring more than ever, I've bathed my child, cut her toenails and fingernails, cleaned out her ears, checked on her dog bite (which is almost non-existant now) I've gotten dressed (including a bra!), brushed my teeth and made banana bread.

I feel like I've accomplished alot in the 2 and a half hours I've been awake.

But it just feels like a bad day.

And I don't know why.

And I hate this feeling.

Okay, done venting now. At least for the moment.

Our Weekend

We had such a great weekend!

It started with Friday. Amber calls and tells me she'd like to watch Jaylee so Josh and I can go on a date. I'd really been wanting to do this but we don't have a babysitter and she's fun to have along, so we usually just take her. However, it had been one of those days that I just needed some time with my husband and once again, Amber pulls through! (Seriously not sure what I'd do without ya sometimes.)

We enjoyed dinner together and then went to my sister Megan's house and hung out there for a bit. They have an XBox 360 and Guitar Hero, which I've never heard of or played. But I got the chance and it was okay. I lack in the rhythm department and I think it's a crucial part of the game. And...I'll be honest, if I'm not the best at something right away, I don't want to play. I'm a brat like that. :)

Saturday we were up bright and early. Maybe not bright but it was early. 6:30 early. We had to park Josh's parents camp trailer downtown for the 19th Annual Sunnyside's Lighted Farm Implement Parade. It's very redneck but it's so fun!

After we parked the trailer, we SMT'd, then I took Josh to work and headed over for pictures with Santa at a local breakfast place. We joined Amber and her girls. Jaylee refused to go near Santa. She turned her head away from him. After that we drove across town for Sugar Cookie Decorating with Mrs. Claus. They provide the cookies and every possible cookie topper imaginable. Jaylee just ate it all. She downed icing, sprinkles, worms, marshmallows, milk, frosting and the list could go on. While busy "decorating" her cookie, Santa shows up behind her. She didn't know at first, kept "decorating", but then it was as if she smelled him (which is quite possible.) And the staredown began.

She didn't take her eyes off him. She leaned back and stared. He was making funny faces at her and she was immobile. Then, she started to tremble. He lost the staredown. Left. And she went back to eating sugar. I'll get a picture up soon for you to see. It really was hilarious.

After Joshua got off work we hooked an innertube to the 3-Wheeler and raced around the pasture. Jaylee got cold and went in for a nap and the neighbor kids came to entertain my husband. He drove them around the pasture for quite awhile.

Evening came and so did the parade! We took Amber's girls with us and the three girls sat on the sidewalk and watched in wonder as the floats and big rigs passed by with all their lights. They were so good and we all had a hoot.

Yep, that was our weekend. Simple but fun. Just the way we like it.

She's Moving!!!

Uh huh, I'm calling the baby a she. More importantly, she's moving. Today I'm really feeling her. Love it. It's fun. I'm actually pregnant and not just ill for funsies.

I'll post later about our hilarious weekend.

Ooooh!!! Funnn!!!! And The Grizzly, too!

This is what it looks like at our house today. The picture with the tree is what I see when I step outside and am looking at my pasture. If you look closely, to the left of the tree, you can see a really tall pole. This pole is the makings of a larger than life swing set for our child(ren). But at this point, it seriously just looks like a 20 foot high cross. Before my husband got it set in the ground, it looked like we had a cannon aimed at the neighbors. Picture on the bottom is staring north of my house. That's my yard. So beautifully covered in snow!! I love it!

And then, Ladies and Jellybeans-we have, The Grizzly. The Grizzly is this hunk of immobile metal that sits in our driveway. Like it? Want it? My husband purchased her this summer to remove her diesel engine to put into Holly, our mobile Suburban. You'd think since he got the parts out of Griz he could uhh...get rid of 'er. Oh no. He's become attached. Likes that she sits there, with her window down, so the cats can get in there and breed. What's the deal with her name? Amber is really good with naming vehicles. In the town we live in, the high school colors are red and black and the mascot is....the Grizzly. So, we have a red and black Suburban. It's only right that she be named The Grizzly. Seriously though, she's free to good home.

Took Jaylee out in the snow this morning. She loved it for all of 2 minutes and then she realized her hands were cold. Yes, I would have put gloves on her, but she doesn't like them.

And just a side note, a lady at the store asked me the other night if I was pregnant. She really took a chance, guess she's never heard Brian Regan's take on asking a woman if she's pregnant. Anyway, it was kinda fun that someone besides me can tell I'm pregnant. :)

Pregnancy Update

A couple of friends have asked for a pregnancy update, so I now feel I can blog about it.

I'm nervous to talk too much about it because I don't want people to roll their eyes and harrummpphh in disgust that I'm posting yet again about this beast growing inside me.

I call her a beast because that's what she's been. No, we don't know that she's a she, maybe he's a he. That's quite possible, there is that 50/50 chance dontchaknow. We won't be finding out the sex of the baby until May. It's killin' me since we could find out next Friday at my ultrasound but we waited with Jaylee and the surprise was really fun.

Anyway, back to the beast. :) I know, I really shouldn't call her that, seeing as how she's only 5 inches long and just a few ounces, how could anyone so small be a beast, but really, this kid has his/her moments. Those first, ohhh, 13 or 14 weeks I really wanted to curl up and die. Poor Jaylee is now addicted to television because it was the only social interaction she had. "Teebee" as she calls it was quite the babysitter as I laid on the bathroom floor, sometimes for most of the day. No tricks worked. Crackers, un uh. Tea, gag me. Prescription for nausea...well, I won't even tell ya what that did to me.

The last couple of weeks have been pretty darn good, thank You, Jesus! I still visit that porcelain throne but only a few times a week. I'm gaining weight, which I'm not thrilled about but need to get over. It's going to happen, I must face it.

So far my blood pressure has been great, about 90/68. Really praying it stays that way. The end of my first pregnancy it was extremely high and I had to be put on magnesium, that wasn't much fun.

No baby movement yet, but I'm looking forward to it. We have no names picked. Seriously. Feel free to throw any out there. I'm sure my husband will nix 'em all like he's been doing to me. But feel free nonetheless!

Thanks for asking about how I'm doing (Kristie, Mindy) it's fun to feel free to talk about it!

17 weeks and 3 days. Just 22 weeks and 4 days to go!

She'll be going to Kindergarten in Diapers

I'm just sure of it. Sure.of.it.

On Sunday morning, I change her diaper and dress her for church. About 30 minutes later we leave for church, which is about 40 minutes from our house.

After church we get lunch and run a billion errands. Josh asks me at the end of our errands,

"Have you changed Jaylee since this morning?"

He knows the answer to the question, he's been with her the entire day, too. But still I tell him,

"Nope."

We get on another conversation, load her in her car seat, forgetting we still have not changed her-and drive home.

40 minutes away.

We get home and I realize I never did change her even though we'd talked about me changing her.

It's been seven hours since she was last changed. I'm feeling that rush of mommy-guilt that happens 298 times everyday. So, I finally go get a diaper. She gets herself all situated, waiting for me; she knows the whole routine because she's 2 1/2and should be out of diapers by now!

She's dry.

Seven hours and I pull off a dry diaper!

I rush her to the potty. She laughs. Thinks running is a game. She sits there. Does nothing.

I let her go free. Leaving her in her birth day glory. Everyone knows a kid loves to run around like that, she's no different.

She goes in my room, grabs a pair of my dress shoes and walks around the house in them.

A few minutes later she comes up to me in a state of panic.

"Mommy, toilet." She points to my shoes.

Uh huh. My shoes were her toilet.

I'm really excited we're having another one of these. It was a really good idea on our part.

The Assassin Strikes Again

You're going to be disappointed in me. Tacky Christmas Sweater pictures...not so exciting. But I have good reason! You have to read a really long post to understand.

In May of 1997 I went camping with Josh's family and friends. I went camping with him then because you know when you're dating, you love to do exactly what your significant other loves to do. So, this meant I loved to go camping. *Serious eye roll going on over here*

While camping, the boys decide we should go in a boat. Obviously pre-July 1999 because we all know how much I love boating now, huh?

I can't remember everyone who went boating. I do remember being there. Along with Josh and his friend Ken. We're in the boat. It's moving pretty fast. I'm not thrilled. All of a sudden, not sure how he does it, Ken flips us.

Uh huh. He did. I'm out of the boat!!! Current is moving. I'm in a state of panic. I grab a rock wall. I live.

Fast forward a couple of months.

My husband used to own a Datsun 240 Z. Actually, he used to own two Datsun 240 Zs. This is what they are supposed to look like. These cars are two-seaters. No back seat. No wonder we don't have either of them anymore with one child and another on the way. Anyway...

Okay, now I can start my story.

Round about July 5th, 1997, we were up at Mt. Rainier. We, as in Josh, me, his family and some friends. (Not we, as in Amber and me as she likes to think "we" means.) Really digressing, aren't I? It's my story, I can take as long as I like.

So, we are up at Rainier and we, as in Josh, me, his 9 yr old cousin, Paul, and Josh's friend..........you guessed it: Ken, decide to go for a drive.

The four of us.

In the Z.

The two-seater Z.

The one with two seat belts.

Ken wants to drive. Josh and Paul lay down in the back. I take shotgun. We go for a drive and on our way back down, signs are reading 15 mph because of the curves. I think Ken may be dyslexic. He may have thought the sign read 51 mph, because we came out of one of the curves looking like this:

Uh huh. We did. We hit a rock wall. Rock walls and I that summer of '97, we saw a lot of one another.

So, after these two events my mother started to call Ken, The Assassin.

I tell you all that to tell you why my Tacky Christmas Sweater Picture isn't the greatest.

Amber and I go shopping the day after Thanksgiving. All dolled up. We have a hoot until I realize I've missed two calls from my husband. I call him back.

"I'm in the ER with Jaylee." Are the first words he says to me.

My heart stops, my tears start. Those aren't words you want to hear.

Jaylee was bit by a dog on her face. Whose dog I ask? I really should have guessed. Uh huh. The Assassin's. Okay, not his, but his parent's and isn't that close enough?

She's fine. Totally and completely. Honestly it would have been nice if it'd taken her down a notch, but it really hasn't. She's completely unaware of what did it to her; no fear of dogs in the least. But here are pictures of us in the hospital, me with TCS, Jaylee with a dog bite, and Josh with blood on his shirt.



The puncture in her ear went all the way through. Should have put an earring in before they super-glued it shut! And the puncture on her face wasn't so deep as it was wide. The doctor, whom I'll call Mark Sloane, decided he didn't need to stitch her. Said it'd scab over just fine. And it has.

I called my mom, let her know The Assassins latest attempt.

"Is it not enough he tries to kill you and Josh, now he's going for the children?!"

We got a good laugh.

So, that was our exciting Day after Thanksgiving.

Ken, we love ya. You know we do. But we have to harass you at least a lil bit. :)

They're here, they're here!

Our fanny packs have arrived!!! They are so not tacky enough.

I can't wait to remedy that lil problem.

Not Intended to Offend Those Who Like Tacky Christmas Sweaters

Because I like them, too. Mostly I like to laugh, point and snicker at those who wear them. Soon though, I will be the target of mockery. Because soon, soon as in Day After Thanksgiving, I will be sporting one such tacky Christmas sweater.

Last year Amber and I shopped the day after Thanksgiving (TDAT) and it was decided pretty spur of the moment. We've been talking about this years TDAT since probably Christmas last year. We've decided to make the occasion...uh...special.

Why and how we've come up with what we've come up with...not sure. But I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Up at 4 a.m. Dressed in the finest apparel:

1. Tacky Christmas sweaters (which we found for 2 bucks at a thrift store yesterday)

2. Green and Red hats. (also found at a thrift store for .59) One says, "Merry Christmas" the other, "Let it Snow"

3. Fanny Packs. Yes, fanny packs! We looked for them at all the thrift stores but there were none! So, I got online and found us some. Pretty excited for them. We're going to decorate them with puffy paints and other random Christmasy stuff.

4. Leg Warmers. Uh huh. Leg Warmers. A red and green pair so we can swap and have one of each.

5. Earrings and Necklaces to match of course.

I'm really excited. I can't wait. I already can't sleep very well at night because I'm too excited.

Don't worry. There will be pictures. You'll get to laugh, point and snicker.

My Personal Cheerleader

Uh huh. I'm so cool I have my very own. She may only be two, but she's amazing!

I went in on Friday for my follow-up appointment so Deb could see that I'd gained back about 4 of the 15 pounds I'd lost. She was proud.

She puts the lil thing on my belly to hear the baby's heartbeat and when she pushes down on my belly I grimaced. It hurt. She was concerned.

When you first go into the office, they hand you the cup. The one you're supposed to go potty in. Like I said before, this makes me nervous. I get stage fright. But I went.

Barely.

Anyway, after she realizes I'm having some pain in my abdomen she asks if I can pee again.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked.

"Just a little, that's all we need." She replies.

I tell her I'll try but I'm not making any promises. Jaylee follows me into the restroom.

The loud noise from last time is still there. I don't really have to go. And Jaylee is wandering around the room which is irritating me. I'm trying to concentrate. I'm just about ready....

"Go, Mama! You can do it, big girl! Yeah!" Uh huh, she started cheering me on.

I died. It was the funniest thing ever. Can you tell I'm trying to potty train her?

Last night and this morning

Here is my sweet little ladybug. Or, as she referred to herself, "badabug". She wasn't too sure about putting the outfit on at first. I informed her it wasn't going to kill her or bite her (her daddy thinks ladybugs bite) and then I told her after she put it on, we could look in the mirror. This brightened her spirits. She was a fan. We went to our church's Harvest Party. The children play games and earn stickers on their game sheet. When the game sheet is full, they turn it in to receive their bag of candy. Jaylee is still a little young for the games, so basically we stole the stickers and ran! :)

Today has already proved to be more interesting than yesterday...see these beasts?
These are my neighbors pets. Over the course of the eight years we've lived here, we've woken up to them peering in our bedroom windows, or seen them in our pasture, or standing next to our car in the middle of the road. It's always been okay. Because I've been able to call and say, "Hi, Kathi, it's Sarah. Thumper is under the carport." And she's come over and taken care of the issue.

It didn't work like that today. I look out and see Nick. Nick is the overgrown goat. And Nick is standing in their backyard eating their rosebushes. I see the gate wiiiide open. I'm thinking, "it's okay, only Nick got out, I can handle this."
Why do I have to handle it you ask? Because the neighbors moved. They moved. But not their animals.

So, I do what must be done first.

I put on a bra.

I open the gate that separates my backyard from their pasture. I look around and see that only Thumper remains. Thumper is the cow. Which means Keiki, the horse, is somewhere. After a few minutes of coaxing the goat who is almost as big as the horse, I get him in the gate. Wasn't easy, as I had a cow bumping my back the whole time. I find the oats. Scoop 'em up and here comes the horse. They look so much smaller when I'm IN my house.

He comes up.

I pray he doesn't try to kill me.

And after some time, all is well with my world.

Animals are safely in their pen.

There is a reason I own a Beagle and not a horse.

I got a laugh

the other day.

I've said before how I have a MySpace account and I can't tell you how much I love it. If not for MySpace, well I wouldn't have had dear ol' Amber to keep me company this last year.

Anyway, MySpace has allowed to get in touch with friends from High School that I haven't talked to, well, since High School. Most recently I found a friend from youth group.

My display picture was of my dad and me on my 17th birthday. He sends me a message, asking about life in general and then says, "That's a good picture of your dad on your profile. How is he?"

I laughed so hard. I mean, it wasn't really funny, but it really was. How do you break it to someone that your dad drown eight years ago without making them feel like a donkey? So, I just replied that he was fine, I suppose. And that he had drown.

Really how do you break that news? I didn't know how to say it. He replied with an apology, saying he felt like a jerk and wondered how he could have not known. It's been a week and I'm still getting a good laugh out of it.

'Cause I'm sick like that.

Geeeesh!

I had a doctor's appt. today. I dropped my child off with my mother and went alone. The last trip with her-horrible! I vowed to never do it again if I don't have to.

They call my name. And then the favorite part...weigh in. She weighs me, charts it, then says, "I think I should check it again." I told her it was right, I had just weighed myself before coming in. She looks disturbed.

She hands me a lil plastic cup and sends me into the restroom. I freeze up. Sorry, can't do this. There was this really loud banging noise going on upstairs of the office and it totally threw me off.

Anyway...

We go into the room, she takes me blood pressure and then we get to listen to the heartbeat! Yeah, this thing that's trying to kill me really is in there!

She tells me Debbie will be in shortly and leaves.

I hear my midwifes voice in the other room and I can tell she's on the phone. I lay on the paper covered bed, staring out the window into the beautiful day and pray that she's on the phone forever. Why? Because it's peaceful in that room! No clingy, whiny toddler. No dog. No smells that get to me. Just me. All by my lonesome.

Of course it came to an end.

She comes in.

She's mad.

"Is this right? You've lost 15 pounds!?"

I nod.

She's still mad.

Tells me that I must gain weight from here on out or she's sending me back to my GI doctor because she thinks something could be wrong with me. UGH! I have to go back in 2 weeks instead of 4.

I asked her for a C-section, she just looks at me.

Part of me was serious.

Obviously I didn't get my wish. I'm still 11 weeks 5 days pregnant. Sick as a dog and now worried too since she thinks something is wrong with me.

On the way out she made me get on the scale again. She thought the nurse messed up.

The nurse didn't mess up. She hummphs and tells me, "Gain some weight, I'll see you in 2 weeks."

So, Jaylee and I went out to lunch and so far I've kept 'er down!

Dancing on Streets that are Golden

My grandma passed away last Saturday.

It's sad that she's not here anymore, sad that Jaylee will never know her. But really, how exciting is it that she's in Heaven?! She's no longer in any pain. Her body works perfectly. She's with Jesus!

It helps me to not be as sad when I think about how much better her life is now.

Her graveside service is today. I think the hardest part of all of this is watching my two aunts and three uncles grieve the loss of their mommy. The family has been through a lot of grief and I understand that it's part of life but sometimes you wonder just how much a family can take.

Thank you to everyone who's been praying for my family and me.

When there is something serious that needs to be talked about, I am not the person for the job. I make light of everything, trying to find humor in the worst of situations. Like when I had cancer or any time I talk about my dad drowning.

I get uncomfortable and find it easier to be funny than put on my Big Girl Panties and deal with the situation at hand.

This last week I haven't been able to be funny. I've had to deal with a serious situation like a big girl. For once.

My grandma is dying.

I don't like death.

I don't like assisted living places.

I don't like these Big Girl Panties I'm having to wear.

But I'm dealing. Jaylee and I have been going almost every day to spend time with her. She's not had any nourishment in nine days. Her body is shutting down. She's so skinny.

I've never been this close to death before and it's not that it freaks me out, at least not with my grandma, it's just weird to watch it happen. I'm thankful that she's a believer, I have peace knowing that soon she'll be with Jesus.

My thoughts about all of it are so jumbled. It's just been a very sad and tiring week.