Mission: Failed

With loads of hours alone, I have spent a bunch of it thinking.

When it's quiet you can actually tell you have a brain and that stuff goes on up there.

But with that, I have to hear what's going on up there.

Today hasn't been pretty.

Not only is the house quiet because my girls aren't here but because my mom, niece and nephews aren't here either.

They've been housesitting for my aunt. They were supposed to return today but didn't. I was so excited for them to come back. I had the evening all planned out.

But my mom called and said they wouldn't be coming home tonight.

Home.

I wonder if they even feel like that's what this place is to them. I know Alexander does. He's called it that.

Today I realized we're half way into their stay here and I'm not sure I've made it a fun time for them. Sure, I've been gone a lot of that time, riding in the truck. But when I have been here, has that been okay?

No.

I don't think so. I don't think my house, rather...my attitude, has been one that makes them feel right at home. And that hurts my heart.

I know that having them move in was what the Lord wanted us to do. The timing of everything was perfect. It was right when we were leaving to go OTR, we needed someone here...they needed a place to stay. It was perfect.

All except my attitude toward it.

I haven't had a happy heart. I try to talk to Sugar all the time about how, "we need to have happy hearts." I'm telling her, but am I showing her how?

Nope.

I love having people over. I love having parties and playing cards. Then why was it such an issue for me to have family move in? Why is my heart so wretched?

My mom hasn't been feeling well lately. The kids have gone to stay with a family in the church. People the kids don't even know. Yet the couple and the kids were so excited. These people are not relatives, but they are so happy to be helpers.

I want to be that.

I want to be a happy helper.

I haven't been and I feel like I've failed my family.

I can't wait til my kids come home and it's noisy and I can't hear the stuff that goes on in my brain.