Going Top-less

Muffin Top-less! This is the first post in my newly (but not so new) created weight loss blog:

I created a blog several months back. Maybe even a year ago.

I was on a journey to lose 19 lbs.

Oh, if it were only 19 lbs. Since then, I've gained another 10. I now have 29 lbs to lose to be at my normal body weight.

I've been thinking of every excuse in the book for why I've gained another 10 lbs to my already overweight status. I'd like to blame the 17 month old baby who cries all the time. Or the 4 year old who's learning she has a mind of her own. Or that my husband has a job that can keep him away up to five days a week. Or the poor relationships I have with my family and friends.

Do you see a pattern there? I do. It's blaming others.

That's awful.

If the weight itself weren't bad enough, blaming others for me being fat is just downright disgusting.

What made me decide to do this again? To blog about being fat and trying once again to lose weight?

This weekend my husband decided I needed a new pair of jeans. I own two pair. The first pair I can't button all the way, so I use that famous pregnancy trick of using a rubberband, but I'm not pregnant so I shouldn't be using that trick. The other pair of jeans have holes in both knees and every time I put them on, I end up putting my foot through the knee hole first by accident and making the holes even larger.

Back to buying the jeans...

We head out on Saturday to get the jeans and I'm having a horrible time finding a pair that I like. I don't believe skinny jeans in size 521 should be legal. I also was not a fan of jeans with slashes through them and hot pink material shining through the back. There were also jeans with holes and if I'm going to have jeans with holes in them, they're going to be earned not bought! And did you know that they don't sell jeans already equipped with rubberbands? Such a bummer.

I finally find a pair that will probably (sadly) fit. No holes, no slashes, no tapered leg. I head to the dreaded dressing room. The room with two full-length mirrors. Side note: If I could shower with my clothes on, I would. I hate seeing myself without clothes. Side note over. I shove off my still tied tennies and unbutton and slip off my holey jeans. And then I made a horrible mistake.

I looked in the mirror.

I saw my legs. The front of them and the back of them. I saw the cellulite. I saw that you can't tell where my calves end and my ankles begin.

Then I made an even more horrible mistake.

I lifted up the back of my shirt. There was no need for me to do this. I was only buying a pair of jeans. But I just had to look. It's like when you're passing a car accident and you don't wanna see if someone is gushing blood but you just can't turn away. It was then that I saw...

I saw my back fat. I saw the fat that spills over my bra. I saw my pretty tattoo that is now stretched out.

I saw what my husband sees every time I take my clothes off.

And I was thoroughly disgusted with myself. I hate looking like this. And I hate that I've let it go on another four years. It's gotta stop.

It's gotta stop now.

Today is the first day to a new me.

If you wanna follow my journey, feel free. Just keep the fat jokes to a minimum. ;)