I was given Spice as a way to humble me.
This is the child I swore I'd never have. The one that cries when not given her way. The one that hits back when being disciplined. The one that screams in the grocery store just because she can and knows that I'm completely mortified.
She's the child my husband deserves or so his mama says.
But if you ask my mama she'd tell you I was a good girl-so why do I get Spice??
To humble me.
So I won't roll my eyes in the grocery store the next time a child screams because his mama took the grocery list from him.
So I won't think "well, if she spanked that kid, she wouldn't act that way!"
Spice is unlike any of my other kids. You know...all two that I have. She's really quite beastly. I feel bad saying it but it's true. She's a monster. It's one of her many nicknames. You call out, "Monster!" and if she was the obedient type, she'd come running. However, she's hardly obedient, so she just looks at you and smirks.
And sometimes she glares.
Seriously, not even 18 months old and the child glares.
Yesterday I'd just had it. I was worn out. Her endless crying is driving me crazy...crazier. I told my husband that I'm considering getting a babysitter for her. Yes, I'm a SAHM but I'm considering paying someone to take care of her. No, it won't happen, but just letting myself think about that is a little piece of heaven.
So, Josh went through a list with me of all our parenting tricks. Okay, they aren't tricks, but he was just asking me questions about what I do when she screams, hits, disobeys, etc. I answered correctly to all of his questions and he says the most insightful thing: "Well, I don't know what ta tell ya."
Brilliant.
Last night I laid in bed and took this issue to the Lord. I told Him I just can't do this. I can't parent this baby. I don't know how. I'm failing her. I told Him. And I waited for this neon flashing light that was supposed to give me direction for how to take care of things from here on out but I got nuttin.
Sometimes He just doesn't answer right away.
I realized I have a whole lotta friends that are more experienced in the ways of the kiddos and I've decided to come to you for help.
Help.
Please.
For once, I'm not looking for sarcasm. I'm looking for wise council. I've never in my life felt so defeated as I do right now.
If you're unsure of what to say, can you just pray, please?
Spice is the cutest lil bug. I love her so so so much. But she cries a lot. A lot. If you pick her up, she shuts up. But I can't hold her all day. If she's gotten in trouble and I flick her hand or swat her leg, she hits me back.
Help.
Please.
10 comments:
My son is 17 months old and just recently went through the 'crying about everything' phase. Our solution: crying = go to bed. For example I'd be cooking lunch and he'd start crying, I'd pick him up and tell him "if you cry you go to bed" and plop him in his crib. He'd fuss a few minutes (w/me out of the room) and then one of two things would happen. 1) He'd quit and be happy and I'd get him out or 2) he'd fall asleep.
After doing this consistently for a couple of days he really is more content...and if he fusses then back to bed. :) He has a crib that he can't climb out of so he's completely safe, it's not harming him and it keeps me from going crazy.
-Laura
(and I suppose I should clarify what I mean by crying is not a hurt or hungry cry but a fussy, mad cry, moms know the difference.)
If you asked my mom, she would tell you that I am *exactly* the same way. My own version of the glare is still joked about in my family today...
She stayed at home with me, so I am sure she felt the same as you do some days.
Honestly, I don't know how she did it, and I don't think she necessarily does either. I wish there were a good answer, but I don't think there is, and I don't think it means you're failing her or yourself (my brother, who came a few years later, was not at all like me and all accounts are that both my parents had the same parenting styles with him as me, so it really was me and not them).
But I can tell you that she did, as frustrating and tiring and just awful as I was sometimes, she totally made it through and even though we fought sometimes she is an awesome mom. And you can do it too, even though it will be tough sometimes (and it's okay/normal to admit it).
I do know that sometimes she picked her battles - there were some lines (as I got older) that I did not even consider crossing.
I think what Duckygirl said is right on, but pair it with deliberate, planned regular attention. She is obviously craving time with you. Try to give her your attention pretty close to first thing in the morning, and then bring her in on the work you are doing. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't do this more. Even though it takes longer and you don't get as much done, try to let her be a part of it in some way and praise her efforts. She gets your attention, you're still getting something done, and she gets a sense of accomplishment. As she's working with you, explain what you are doing and why. She won't get all of it, but she'll get some of it and she'll begin to understand (even at her age) all the jobs Mommy has and why they're important.
One more thing: expect progress, but don't expect a big 180 turnaround. This is her nature and you will struggle with it on-and-off, well, always. But as she gets older you'll see strengths in her stubborn nature and you'll see that Jaylee's compliant nature has it's on faults with it, hence the phrase, "Nobody's perfect."
Praying! This too shall pass!
(and she might be getting teeth...when my boys were getting molars they were CRANKY)
I think you should be gentle with her. She is obviously a very sensitive child and in my vast experience I have found that sensitive children respond much better when they are given empathy and understanding. (I have a master's degree in early childhood education and have been a teacher for many years.) I don't think you should call her a monster anymore. That really reinforces the behavior you are trying to curb. Children try to live up to our expectations, so if you call her a monster she will try even harder to be one.
I will certainly keep you in my prayers. I know how tiring it can be. Be gentle with yourself too! :-)
Hi Sarah,
I was thinking about this since we spoke yesterday. I to have dealt with a VERY strong-willed child (my firstborn); and I to used spanking as my main form of discipline. I always thought people who used other methods such as the time out method, counting method, etc. were "doing it the wrong way." Well, I ended up finding that it was more effective with Nathanael by using the time out form of discipline, and taking away his juice or chocolate milk (favorite after breakfast drinks). We also started recognizing ANY and ALL good behavior, and praising that behavior and rewarding him in various ways. It was amazing to see the changes take place.
Nathanael obviously had other issues going on as well, and was not able to communicate his needs like he should have been able. So he would use tantrums in frustration of not getting his point across. But just wanted to suggest opening up to other forms of discipline (if you haven't tried already).
I hope this helps in some way. If you are interested in more details, you can call me anytime.=) I know I am thankful for advice given to me at those tough stages as well. And although it seems as though things won't change.....I can promise it will get better!
Luvs,
Mary
So I'm not experienced, but I do deal with a hard kid. Josh's parents say that we got the one he deserved too :) I just wonder who got the one my husband deserved because I want THAT child!
Lately, a couple things have been helpful for our family. 1) We're still firm about obedience, but we're trying to spend more time playing with her and just loving on her. This has strengthened our relationship with her.
2) We also look for opportunities to pray with her whenever one of us is struggling. I apologize to her when I get angry or screw up. I talk about how I struggle too and we both need Jesus' help to change. It's humbling, but helpful.
Whatever you do, know that you're a good mommy. I definitely believe that - no matter what other people may say - some kids are just harder than others.
Oh Sarah - Each child is so different and hand picked for us by God. He certainly teaches us many things thru our children.
I like and have used many times what Duckygirl says - kids arre very if this = then this. They begin to understand cause and effect. And learn to bear the consequences (like we do). It is when they do know know how we will react or they often will accept negative attention as long as it is attention. As another one of you commenters said, set aside "mommy and Spice" time is very good. And lastly when it comes to hitting back - well we overheard and watched a mom and her kids interact and she taught them that "hands" were for serving and loving. When her kids would hit one another, she would hold their hands and say to them "were you serving or loving with your hands? They would respond "no", and then she would quietly take them off and correct them (words like correction and training should be spoken, because they retrain us as to what we are doing with our children) She never corrected them with her hands (wooden spoon, etc.).
But remember each child is different - and they are each a blessing! (especially when they are peacefully sleeping :) )
oh my, the hitting you back thing...I had one of those too, so spanking wasn't working with Olivia. I finally figured out time out was the key...and it wasn't working to just say go stand there in timeout when she was under two. The high chair and car seat became my enforcers. She's safe and can't move. Short time outs, like a minute per year is all that will be effective (after that they are just mad and don't remember why they are there....I have to set a timer or I forget and timeout becomes twenty minutes!), but sometimes removal from "the action"makes a big difference and the reward is reentry into life and your attention.
Wow! First of all, thank you so much for the honest straight forward way you share your life. So many times I can totally relate to what you're saying, although I might not always have the courage to admit it to myself or others. (Oldest child, perfectionist tenancies.)
About Spice, I can really relate to your struggle. My youngest is 22 months and not the child I thought "I'd ever have". I was a nanny for 13 years. I was known for the "Jedi voice" that could make kids obey without ever having to raise my voice or argue. All that is a distant memory now...
I truly think that a major part of our struggle right now is communication. My DS has no interest in being verbal like his older brother. And even though we did sign language with him, he never really embraced it. The good news is that I am starting to see small improvements now that he's saying a few more words. So there is hope!
I'm sorry I don't have anything new and insightful to add to the wonderful advice that's already been given but know that you're not alone and I'll be praying for you.
Post a Comment