that one time where i admitted to being a nervous wreck about teaching a 30 minute class.

Our homeschool co-op starts in a few days.

I haven't always been the biggest fan of co-op.  It's been my own deal.  The moms are great, the kids are as well.  I've just had a really crappy attitude about it.

Wanna hear my reasons?  They're so petty.  In no particular order:  I'm not the pretty mom.  I'm not the dresses cool mom.  I'm so not put together.  And neither are my kids.  We're a big mess 90% of the time.  Looking pretty ragamuffin.  Also, my kids aren't the smarty pants kids answering questions.  They aren't smarty pants because their mom is a terrible teacher.  Unless we're talking about teaching them to be crabby and impatient and lazy, then I'm totally teaching them those things.  Another thing, I'm always so ill-prepared for co-op.  I forget to have the girls pull a Show and Tell item.  I forget to bring their color crayons and scissors.

And then there's the whole, Sarah you have to teach a class to be part of the group.

Shoot me now.

I offered to do the childcare for the entire co-op year if I could just please, pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top did not have to teach.

Apparently the other moms do not like sugar or cherries.

When it came time to decide whether or not we'd be part of this year's group, I decided that yes, yes we would join and this year I would have a happier attitude about it.  And, dare I say, I actually got excited.

Um.  Til the night before the meeting.

Then my entire life went to hell in just one evening.  I was pretty sure that I'd be moving out, giving up on life as wife, mom, teacher, all of it.  There was no way I could do these things.  So I sat in my (ever in remodel phase) bathroom and I cried the ugly cry.  You know, the one with the snot and tears and broken blood vessels under your eyes?  That cry.  And I emailed Chelsea and I told her it just wasn't possible for me, co-op was my limit.  Beyond my limit.

The next day I get a text.  A long text.  A "you are enough" text.  And I decided that if I was enough for co-op, could I maybe be enough to be wife and mom and teacher, too?  So I stayed in this house another day.  And I went to the co-op planning meeting that night.

I left slightly overwhelmed (these women are all so smart and I am just, well I'm just not) but I also left excited.  I would be the first one to teach, I could get it over with, and wa-la.  The rest of the co-op year could go on.

And now that first class is four days away and I think I'm developing an ulcer.

I'm hopeful that on Thursday at 9:30 instead of teaching a class on hot air balloons I'll instead be in surgery or something.  Something that would be serious enough that I could get out of teaching this class.

You see, teachers have this sweet voice when they talk to kids.  Well, really it's usually mothers in general.  They speak kindly and gently and kids are enamored.

Then there's me.  I talk to my kids like I talk to Josh.  My normal boring voice.  I've never been a baby talker, or an ooey gooey talker.  It kinda grosses me out.  However, that's what kiddos like and need and it's not me.  I'm going to get up in front of these kids and their really smart moms and I'm going to not even know what to say or how to start.

I'm starting to cry.

Yuck.

So I'm scared.  Scared out of my freaking mind.  It's the hardest thing for me.  This being in front of people.  The kids.  And their moms.  And the talking.  And pretending to know what I'm talking about.  It's kinda brutal.

(turning into ugly cry.)

I just want this week over with.

Most families started back to school within the last couple of weeks.  I knew I couldn't start us.  I knew that this first co-op day would consume my thoughts and guts and there would be no concentrating on anything else.  I'm already such a crabby mama to begin with, I didn't think my kids needed to be taught the last couple of weeks by a crabby, stressed out mama.

We will start school next Tuesday.

That is, if I survive this Thursday.

remembering to write the day to day

Every once in a while I panic.

Who are we kidding?  I panic all the time.

The one that is currently plaguing me is how little I journal just our day to day lives.  My memory is absolutely terrible (unless you wanna know Trevor's license plate from the Ford Explorer or Matt's phone number back in high school, those are things I can remember).

This blog of mine is nearing it's eighth year.  Eighth!  How in the world?  When it was just Sugar running around the house I wrote more about our day to day.  Life was a little less stressful in those days and I found it easier to sit down and write.  Now, there's a Spice.  And there's our homeschool adventure.  And just added stresses.  Some I'm sure I bring upon myself.

Many I bring upon myself.

I use Facebook for updating short blips of our day, and I try to only post things that I think are funny so as to make people laugh.  I really should just take those status updates and write full posts on them because often I could.

I could fill this blog up every single day with the antics of my children or the thoughts of my heart, but I find myself holding back so often on my stuff, and I am just lazy about writing out our day to day.  But I'm starting to worry that the girls will wonder what we did with our days, and if I don't write them out, how will I remember?  Their new thing is to ask me to tell stories of when they were babies.

Sweet stories of Sugar.  And Spice we just tell her, "you cried a lot.  heck, you still cry a lot."  We have stories.  Lots of stories.  I just need to begin again in getting them written.  I need to set aside the time.

So one day they can print out the blog, take it to their therapist, and say, "see.  this is why we're here."

i'm a poor example to my kids

Christmas is coming and I had really anticipated that this Christmas would be the Christmas my kids get it.  That I would have done a good job in explaining and living out this season and they would understand and love Christmas for more than just the presents.

I think I'm sucking.

I feel like there's a lot of bickering and whining and crabby pants going on.

With my kids, too.

The other night Josh was reading Tabitha's Travels, our advent book, and I was reading some fiction piece of chit.  It wasn't until I woke up in a panic the next morning that I realized what I'd been doing.

So I'm all panicky, sweaty.  Realizing I'm this big fat failure of an example.

When am I going to get this mothering thing right?

let's be silly together

Yesterday the girls and I had a fantastic school day.  To top it off, Josh came home from work early and said we should head to the store to get coffee.  

OKAY!

We told the girls to get coats and shoes (and half an hour later we were heading out the door).

(kidding, it was only like 20 minutes later.)

When Spice came out saying she was ready, she was sporting a pretty fashionable hair do.  "Do you like it Mama, am I pretty?"

"Baby girl, you are GORGEOUS and I want my hair just like yours!"

So I put my hair up in as high a pony tail as I could and out the door and to the store we went.  She beamed the entire time.

This kid makes my heart happy.

Intentional December

It happens to me every year.

The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays zoom by and the new year comes and I'm like, "whoa. Totally missed the holiday season. "

I feel like I coast through November and December in a rush of grocery shopping, Christmas present shopping, wrapping, etc. without just enjoying the days.

I decided I would do December different this year.

I'd be intentional with it.

So I wrote out all the days in the month of December and I've planned specific activities to do with Josh and the girls so that when the month is over I'll know we lived it.  Enjoyed it.

Activities include:

Read Tabitha's Travels every night before bed.
Make an Advent wreath. (i bought terracotta pots, some moss, some candles, and let the girls paint the pots. then i put in the candles and filled the pots with beans to hold said candles in place. then covered the beans with moss. thank you, Pinterest.)
Decorating the house. (we did this Sunday)
Hanging Christmas lights. (was supposed to be done on Tuesday, but holy cold front, Batman.)
Christmas movie nights each Friday of the month. (i bought Elf, Charlie Brown Christmas, and Miracle on 34th St.)
Lighted Implement Parade. (tomorrow. it's supposed to be like 7 degrees. i'm gonna freeze off the nips!)
Christmas cookies.
Visit Josh's grandma in the nursing home. (i'm terrible at this but need to get back to making it a weekly thing.)
Christmas baking.
Go to Miner's for dinner and then drive around looking at Christmas lights.
Christmas shopping date with Josh. (he's taken a vacation day for next Friday and my mom has offered to watch the girls. we're going to get all our shopping done in one go and do lunch and a movie.)
Christmas Eve. (we always let the girls open one gift. it's always jammies. so they can have pretty, matching jammies for Christmas morning pictures.)

Now, all of these things may have happened whether I wrote them down or not.  But I'm guessing not.

Also, the last couple of days I've felt that it would probably be best if I gave up Facebook and Twitter for the rest of the month.  I love those places.  I do.  But they can be a distraction and with as busy as this month is, I just don't need the distraction.

I'll still be on Instagram (are we friends there? sarah_lee63 is my username) and of course Pinterest because how can you do Christmas without Pinterest?! ;)

I'll also blog.  Probably about as much as I'm doing now.  (uh, which hasn't been much...)

Do you have any Christmas traditions?  I wanna know.

Write that Down

I often post to FB or Twitter the silly things my girls say, but forget to put them down in some sort of journal.

A couple of things they've said recently have cracked me up, so I want to share them here.

Last week the girls and I spent a long afternoon grocery shopping.  From store to store to store.  On the way home, from the backseat, Spice says, "Mama, I found a penny in my bottom.  No wonder it's hurt all day."

I cracked up.

A penny.  In her bottom.

Why, child?  Why was there a penny in your bottom?

The kid kills me.  Always.

Recently, on another trip in the car, we were talking to the girls about patience.  Josh asked Spice if she knew what patience was.

"Yes.  It's when you have to wait for the food."

Because with Spice, everything is about the food.  Everything.

She's allergic to many foods.  Many tasty foods.  And apparently the child doesn't want to give up her flour tortillas because when I go to change her sheets I find partially eaten flour tortillas underneath her pillow.

Two days ago I was going to take a shower.  I went in the bathroom and locked the door.  I've only just recently started locking the bathroom door.  Because that 7 minutes I get in the shower is the only time I'm by myself during the day.  And before I started locking the door, I didn't have those seven minutes to myself.  I would have one child or another, sometimes both, sitting on the toilet lid, staring at me, talking to me, asking me questions, "what are we going to do today?" or "do you know where such and such stupid toy that why would i know the answer to this question is?"  It's either incessant questions or it's tattling or it's whatever.  But I have learned that if I don't lock the bathroom door, there is no seven minutes of peace and quiet.

So, back to the two days ago I went to take a shower...

I lock the door.  I shower.  I unlock the door and Sugar comes in.

"You locked the door while you were in the shower so I had to go outside to mark my territory."

And then she turned around and walked out and I just stood there in my towel and laughed.

That kid.

I think she's part animal or boy or something.  But zero parts a lady.

They are funny little beings, these people I'm raising.

finding what works

This is our fourth year home educating.

Okay, third.  We really didn't do much around here for Kindergarten with Sugar.  I freaked out about this for much of the public school year.  Just sure I was ruining her.  I had my veteran homeschool mom friends telling me to chill and to read and to enjoy her.  Oh if I could go back to sweet Sugar at age five.  I would soak up all that time with her and stop stressing about ruining her.

Five year olds want to be read to and played with.  They want to cook with you and help you with chores.  They want to snuggle up real close.  They want to play in the dirt.

I know because I still have a five year old.

And because I've learned from my mistake with Sugar, I let Spice have a lot of free time doing the fun things a five year old should do.  However, she's much more studious than her older sister and actually enjoys sitting at the table for a couple of hours to work on math, reading, etc.

The learning situation in our household has been more calm these last several weeks than ever.  I'm sure part of it is that Sugar just realizes school is part of our day whether she wants it to be or not.  But I believe the biggest part of what's helped settle down our days is that I'm not trying to shove every subject into her.  I believe reading, writing, spelling, punctuation, and grammar are a big deal (not that you could tell from my writing) so that IS something we work on daily and for the most amount of time.  Other than that, I kinda just let her tell me what she's interested in learning.  We spent about a week and a half learning about sharks.  And she just informed me that next she'd like to study dolphins.  This kid may not be able to multiply but she can tell you some amazing facts about a multitude of animals and bugs.  I love it.

Spice is much more interested in learning to read than Sugar ever was at her age.  She's sounding out words, writing, adding and subtracting, etc.

Something that I notice I have a hard time with is keeping up on housework with school or school with housework.  If I'm working on something with one of the girls and see that the dishes need to be done, it's hard for me to concentrate on just teaching the girls.  I get overwhelmed thinking I need to be doing all of it at once.  Or, I found that if I went to throw a load of clothes in the wash, the girls would scramble from the table and all focus would be lost.  For all of us.

Last week, for something new, I decided to load up our books and head to the library to do our school day.  It was amazing.  I didn't have to think about laundry or cooking or dishes.  I could just focus on the girls and what we were learning for the day.  They don't have the distraction of the animals or toys or our playground outside.

So.  We went again Monday and Tuesday.  It's been working out fabulously.  When we get home I can clean and cook without school related questions.

The girls have really enjoyed it and so have I.

I'm not sure how long we'll do this, but for now I see this lasting awhile.

A 'Splinker' Memory

First, Spice calls sprinklers, "splinkers" and I hope she never ever starts calling them by the correct name.

A few months ago, back in the spring, we had gone to the bank.  Our bank has these huge trees and a really nice lawn.  It was a bit breezy and the sprinklers were on.  I told the girls I'd give them each a dollar if they ran through the sprinklers.

Sugar was all over it.  She ran out into the huge yard, smiling and laughing, and got soaked.

Spice, my tentative child, hung back.  We got in the van and she says, "but I want a dollar."  I told her how she could get one.  I could see her look from me to the sprinklers and back again.

"Do you want me to go through the sprinklers with you?"

She nodded.

So all four of us got out of the van and ran through the sprinklers at the bank.

It was fun and silly and Spice got her dollar for going through the splinkers.

The 14th Anniversary

I woke up with my heart beating fast.

Sweaty.

A panicky feeling.

Yesterday was a bad day with the girls.  Ugh.  I just wasn't very present.  I took them to the pool a couple towns over and watched them swim.

I stood there, alone.  Other moms talking to one another.  But I was by myself this day and thinking about what a loner I can be.

At one point Sugar came up and asked me to swim with her.  "I don't have any friends here today, Mom.  Swim with me!"  And I thought about how I didn't have any friends there that day, either.  So I got in and I waded around.  I had just showered and didn't want to get my hair wet, but I did go out with her.  She's feeling awfully brave in the water these days.  Spice, too.

But we came home and I felt yuck and I sat with my Jodi Picoult book.  I warmed up some hot dogs, cut up some carrots, handed them a Capri Sun and called it lunch.  They played Legos and ate their food and I'm not sure I spoke to them for the next couple of hours.

I went to my bed.  I laid there.  The girls came upstairs and put in The Princess Bride.  They settled into their movie and I went out and laid in the pool.

Josh came home and I grabbed dinner and as soon as I had finished eating I sat outside with my book.

Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my dad drowning.

The day threw me.  Mostly the day before, but yesterday too.  I just end up feeling weird.  Off.  Like I'm not supposed to care or I'm supposed to care more.  That I remember him too much on that day or not enough.

So I was not a good mom yesterday, nor the day before.

And this morning I woke up in a panic that everyday is like yesterday and Monday.  Not all days are.  But many.  These days are just moving so fast and I can't keep up.  I feel like we're doing so much.  I feel like we're doing nothing at all.

Breathe, Sarah.  Breathe.

I'm realizing that I make everyday sound like a bad day.  Maybe I need to start writing about our good days.  Have those memories recorded.  We do have them.  I can be a good mama on occasion.

Just yesterday wasn't that day.

Case of the Mondays for Shiz

Yuck.

That's the only way I can describe this day.

House payment is due.  Other crap is due.  I had an unexpected trip outta town today that threw my normally scheduled day for a loop.

Everyone in the house is sick.

And crabby.

I'm probably the crabbiest.

I've been having dreams about my friends lately.  They leave me feeling ick.  Like there's something wrong.  Trying to fix it hasn't helped.  This is making me crabby.  Edgy.  Worried.

Our pipes are screwed up.  The washing machine is backing up into the tub.  The kitchen sink is not draining.  And my husband works 14 hours a day anymore and is, for some reason, tired when he comes home.  Fancy that.  So I hate to tell him this stuff is happening and that I need it fixed.  And if I thought I could take care of those things without his help, I would.

I can do a whole lot of the guy stuff around here, but when it comes to pipes I leave it to Josh.

For the last hour the kids have been disobedient.  Make that two hours.

On our way home from Yakima they were being naughty and I told them I was going to pull off the next exit and spank them both.  Then I realized I didn't have time for that.  (ain't nobody got time for that)  So I told them that instead of a spanking they were just going to go to bed when we got home and have some quiet time.

A few minutes later Sugar pipes up from the back seat, "can you just spank us instead?"  Kid is SMART.  A spanking is quick, quiet time is not.  So we come home and I say no, just go to bed.  And for the last hour they have been jumping off the top bunk of Sugar's bed into pillows.

There's been nothing quiet about quiet time today and my nerves are gone.  GONE.  It's now that I dream of daycare.  Or year round public school.  OR!  OR!  Boarding school!

Is it too early to mail order bride them?  Surely in some country girls marry at the ages of five and eight, right?

I'm dreaming of a throat that doesn't hurt.  Jeans that fit.  Boobs that are unaffected by PMS.  Obedient children.  Water and sand and fruity drinks and someone to serve them to me.

I also dream of a plumber.

there's a lot of fun in puddles

I have always been a huge fan of the rain.

Several years ago my friend Keri and I were driving our cars from Yakima to home on the freeway when there was this crazy downpour.  She pulled off the side of the road, me right behind her.  We got out of our cars and just stood in the downpour.

A couple nights ago the rain just started coming down here.  Josh, the girls, and I went outside in the pouring rain.  We watched the lightning and listened to the thunder and we came in absolutely drenched.

Rain is such a good time.

But the fun doesn't end when the rain stops.

It's just the beginning.

Rain provides puddles.  And puddles are too fun to resist.  There's just no point in trying.

On my bike ride last night I saw that there were a lot of puddles along the pathway.  I prayed they would still be around today so I could take the girls on a walk and play in them.

I asked the girls to put their rain boots on and of course they want to know why, where we going, who's coming with us, are we having snacks?  Can we not just put on boots without 20 questions?  Apparently not.

And so we walked and Sugar saw a puddle and I told her to run through it.

"Really!?"  Her big blue eyes grew even bigger.  She smiled and showed off what teeth she has left.  And off she went.  Little sister was more cautious.  And it took time but toward the end of our walk, she got in on the fun, too.

You didn't think I'd miss out on the fun, did you?  I had my rain boots on too.  They double as my snow boots in the winter.

I loved watching the girls play.  So carefree.  And just loving the mess.  Made this mama heart smile.

she talked me through my crazy. and i feel joy. with just a side of crazy now.

After months and months of wanting to and more importantly needing to, I went back to counseling today.

It's been a long road to get to this point of making the phone call and asking my counselor to meet with me.  I called her a few weeks ago, let it ring once and hung up.  And then I cried.  I've known I need to be there. I've known I need someone to talk to.

I have a husband and two best friends and I talk to each of them about different things but I don't talk to any of them about everything.

I've shut down and I've shut out.

I've internalized a whole lot.  And that's not like me.

The last couple of weeks have been hard.  HARD.  Like, if not for these kids, I wouldn't get out of bed.  Like, I hardly speak to my husband because I've found myself resenting him.  Like, I'm gone from home quite a bit during the day because I feel like I'm failing while I'm here.  Like, the other night I looked at the Tylenol PM bottle and wondered just how many I needed so I could just keep sleeping.

I've been nearing the point of combustion.

So Wednesday I call and I leave a message for my counselor asking if she'll pretty pretty please with sugar on top meet with me.  And she calls back within a couple of hours and I'm expecting to not be seen for a few weeks but no.  No, she has an appointment in two days.  And would that work for me?

Yes, yes it would.  I think I can keep it together a couple more days.

For the most part this has been one of my best weeks in a long time.  My friend Trevor is partly to thank, and a very long overdue conversation with the husband is as well.  I have been feeling healthy.  Restored.

Renewed.

And then BAM!  I'll get hit with some bad news or someone says the wrong thing or I remember something I didn't do or something I did do and I'm thrown for a loop all over again.

This week I have been trying my damnedest to find my joy again.  And the enemy.  Oh he's here to destroy me.

About a month ago my friend Katie suggested buying and reading the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  And so I did.  I bought it.  A month ago.  And have I opened it?  Not until a few days ago.  And when I did?!  "Do not let fear dissipate your energy."  "The battle for control of your mind is fierce, and years of worry have made you vulnerable to the enemy."  "You are not alone in this struggle for your mind."

Are you freaking kidding me?

I was kinda dumbfounded.  These were words I needed.  Absolutely needed.

The mind is a battlefield.  Mine is constantly at war.  And I'm tired.  Oh so tired.  For the first time in a long time I prayed for myself.  I asked God to fight for this mind of mine.  To win the battle for me because I'm just so tired of fighting.

I'm so tired.

Monday was a good day.  Then I decided it's high time this fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants family needs to get on a schedule.  A fairly tight schedule.  So I write it out, not once or twice or even three times but four because I have to.  The first one is the rough draft and the second one needs some tweaking and the third one I messed up and needed to cross something off.  The fourth one will probably become five.

Anyway.

So there's this schedule that I started and later Josh and I were talking and he says, "I think we should have a schedule."  And I laughed.  Monday through Thursday we will stick to this schedule the best we can and Friday-Sunday will be much more relaxed.

Back to today.  To the counseling day.

Amber asked yesterday if I was scared.  I wasn't.  Til I pulled up and then the nerves hit.  What was I even there for?  What did I think she was going to solve for me?

I walk in and the place is still the same.  Calm.  Serene.  Welcoming.

And she opens the door and she smiles and I just love her and know it's good I'm here.

She sits in her chair and she has her mostly consumed, watery coffee drink in her hand. "So what brings you here, Sarah?"

I'm still wearing my purse and my legs are crossed and my hands are between my knees and my shoulders are slumped.

I raise my head and I look at her.

"I don't know how to do it.  I just don't know how."

She waits for me to continue.

"I don't know how to be a wife and mama.  At least not a good wife or mama.  I just want to know how.  I want to know what's expected.  What it's supposed to look like.  I want to know if I'm doing anything right because I sure know I'm doing plenty wrong."

It might have all been said in one breath even.  And just getting it out.  Just voicing my concern, my fear, a weight was lifted.

She smiles.

"You always have been too hard on yourself, haven't you, Sarah?"

And I know I have been.  But being too hard on myself doesn't mean it makes me try harder.  It means I feel defeated.  It means that since I know I can't do it all, I do nothing.  And then the guilt.

Oh, the guilt.

And that's when the sleeping pills are enticing.

My too high of expectations get me absolutely nowhere but down.  But I don't know where the middle ground is.  I don't know what this mothering, wifeliness, homemakerness is supposed to look like.  So for 15 years of marriage and eight years of mothering I've muddled through.

I've lived my days waiting for bedtime.

Whether bedtime for the kids or bedtime for me.  I just wanna make it to bedtime.

So I make it to bedtime and oft times I will lie awake and I will think of everything I did wrong in my day.  Or the day before.  The month or year or decade before.  And I will be ill.  And I will cry and cry and there's nothing that can be done to change what I did.  Or, what I didn't do.

That's where I feel I've failed the most.  In what I haven't done as a wife and mama that I should have.  So I ache.  I ache that I can't hold my babies more or read to them more or play with them more or kiss an owie instead of saying, "you're fine, don't cry."  I ache that I didn't interact enough, engage enough.

slumped shoulders.

heavy sigh.

even heavier heart.

"What do you feel is your biggest issue with the girls?"

And I told her that I feel I just don't connect well with them.  I'm terrible at spending play time with them.  I hate to play.  I like to do random, stupid stuff like the other day - Oh, the sprinklers are on at the bank?  Let's pull over and run through them and jump back in the car and race away.

But please, I beg you, children, do not ask me to play make-believe with you.

I talk and she listens.  She talks and I listen.

I tell her about my girls.  Their love languages.  I tell her that for five years (Spice's lifetime) that I have felt Sugar has been in the shadow.  Her sweet, baby sister has been quite demanding since birth.  Heck, since the womb.  And poor Sugar has taken a back burner to attention, affection, all of it.

My heart hurts typing that out.  It hurt earlier saying it aloud.

But sometimes the truth just hurts.

She gives me suggestions, ways to spend time with my girls.  "20 minutes.  Start with 20 minutes of one on one time with each girl.  Just that will put you ahead of most families out there."  Apparently I'm not the only one who has this problem?  Others do too?!

After talking over ways I could spend one on one time with them I felt a little better.  But then choked up.

"I know what to do from here, but how...how do I let go..." and I can feel the ugly cry making its way.
"How do I let go of the guilt from all the years I haven't been doing it right?"

She asks if I've ever heard of the devotional Jesus Calling.  I smile and tell her yes, that I just started it.  Just a couple of days ago in fact.  This book must be great, for Katie to recommend it, for my counselor to recommend it, for me to be reading it right now when God wants me to be.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I just started to read it or that both of them recommended it.

(maybe you should get it, too?)

There's nothing I can do about the past.  It's forgiven already.  I can't go back.  I need to stop holding onto it.  It's time to move forward.  It's time to get intentional.

"Sarah, I'm going to suggest something that I know will probably be difficult for you.  But I think it'd be really good for your family to get on a schedule."

And I just laugh.

Because she has no idea I just decided my family needed one.  That I've written one out.  I tell her why I'm laughing.  I know that God is affirming these choices I've been making in the last week.  And it feels good to finally be doing something right.

This schedule.  Scheduling in family time.  Scheduling in down time (I've wondered if my choosing to have a Quiet Time during the day is selfish but she was pretty adamant that no, it's not, that it is good for all involved to have a quiet time during the day).  And scheduling in some Sarah Refuel Time.  Like my gym time.

I can feel it's nearing the end of my session and I've been so encouraged during my time there, I feel equipped.  I feel ready.  But now I have to leave the office and actually implement these tasks and I can feel myself start to panic.

"There are going to be days where you mess up the schedule.  Where you didn't get time in with the kids.  But there's tomorrow."

sigh of relief.

I left the office and I felt like I could breathe.  I feel joy and I feel hope.  These are wonderful feelings when you've been feeling so dark and lonely and all strangled up inside.  The joy.  The joy feels the best in this moment.  Because like Ann Voskamp says in this post:

"If you don't fight for joy, it's your children who lose."

I'm fighting.  I'm fighting for joy.  For these girls of mine.

For this life of mine.

Day Trip to Pendleton

At the end of January, on a Saturday when we had much to do around the house inside and out -

Josh says, "let's get out of here. Let's go for a drive."

So we loaded up the children and the Beagle, some snacks and off we went.

Our first stop was Starbucks.

And then we just kept driving.

We drove to Pendleton, OR, took pictures at the rodeo grounds, walked around, drove around

and just spent time together.

There are no pictures of the Beagle because he heaved the entire day and left seven piles of puke in my van.

I wish I were kidding.

He's never been car sick before.

Our girls are so good in the car.  Have been since birth.

I thank God for that.  I know He blessed us with good little travelers because we enjoy so much to be on the road.

I find it's easy to get caught up in listening to the radio or talking with Josh even asking for silence instead of using my time in the car with the girls to learn about them and teach them about the world outside our rig.

I'm choosing today to change that.

To turn the radio down.

And turn the conversations up.

when will it feel like a job well done

i'm sitting on my second hand orange couch, with my bare feet and my comfy clothes.

today i woke up late but finally after days upon days of not feeling rested - felt rested.  i suppose i needed that sleep but waking at 8 is embarrassing.

to me.

the first thing i did was heat up my coffee that josh had left in the french press.  his alarm went off at 4:30 and he was out the door by 5:30.

after heating up my coffee i started a load of laundry.  i'm guessing it was about 8:30.  the washer and dryer ran and ran and did not stop until 8:30 tonight.  it's not that i was that behind on the dirty laundry, but i was behind on the clean laundry and apparently my cat decided to pee on it.  i wasn't sure what all had been peed on, but i decided that everything needed to be rewashed.  and there was a heckuva lotta clean laundry on that guest room bed.

i schooled the kids.  partially.  enough.

i cleaned some other stuff.

did some dishes.  checked the mail.  sighed when i got a bill from my wisdom teeth.  apparently i forgot to pay that off.  it's expensive to get rid of teeth.

i broke up fights and i soothed tears.

i caused tears, too.

i fed the dog and the cats.

i got dinner made by some miracle just minutes before josh walked in the door at 6:30.  he put in a 13 hour day.

while dinner was cooking i washed more dishes.  put more dishes away.  folded more laundry.  put more laundry away.

we ate and i did dishes.  we played two games of cards at the table and then josh took the girls off to bed and i took a bath and wondered at what i got done today.

i feel like didn't do much at all, yet my house is clean, spotless almost, my kids are clean and schooled.  but i feel like i failed.

i feel like i failed this day and i don't know why.  is it always going to feel like this?  will i never feel like, yay me?  i don't get it.  i don't understand.  i want to know.  i want to know, was it enough?  did i do enough?  i don't want platitudes, i want truth.  did i miss something?  was there supposed to be more to this day?

i just want a night where i go to bed and feel like i did my job well.

tonight is not that night.

Where I say too much. Get too personal.

In November of 2011 I found out I had a hernia.  In December while discussing the repair with my surgeon he asked if I wanted more babies.

"Yes!"  I kind of said it like, "duh!"

And he said okay, he just wanted to let me know that while he was putting the mesh screen in to repair my hernia, he could also tie my tubes.

Thanks but no thanks.

And then two days later I had a horrible parenting morning.  Okay, horrible doesn't even cut it.  It was one of the the worst days I'd ever had as a mother.

I found myself guilt-tripping my six year old, being impatient with my three year old and just wanting to wave a white flag.

"If you suck at being a mother to two kids, what makes you think you have any right to have three?"

Those were the words that formed in my mind.

I loaded the girls up in the van.  It was freezing.  They were still in jammies.  And I rushed down to the surgeon's office and asked where the form was that I could sign so that two days from then I would no longer have to worry about bringing another child into this world that I would damage with my less than stellar parenting.

"Sarah, honey.  Are you sure?"  Yolanda, the office manager asked me.

I'm sure I looked a fright.

"Look, I have two screaming kids out in the car right now, just the two of 'em make me crazy.  I don't think I need to add to that."  The tears.  They were so close but I kept them in.

This isn't your time.  I heard the voice.  His voice.

And still I signed the paper.

The devil on one shoulder.  The angel on the other.

A mix of right and wrong.

Two days later I'm in a hospital gown early early in the morning with those stupid hospital socks that don't stay on.  The surgical nurse is going over what is about to go down.

Ventral hernia repair.

Tubal ligation.

"Is this correct?"

This isn't your time.  I knew then I should have told her no.  No, that was not correct.  Do the hernia repair, leave my tubes alone!

I nodded.  "Yes, that's correct."

vertical scar above & below my belly button is from having half
of my colon removed 6 yrs ago.
the staples are from the hernia repair.  tubal ligation staples are not shown.

I came out of surgery and my first thought was of the babies I wouldn't have.

The hernia repair and tubal ligation were the easiest of the surgeries I've had, yet I was the worst patient this time around.  I yelled at my nurse (Josh had to apologize to her for me). I cried.  I was angry.  I wanted to go home.

I wanted to go back.

To a few days before.  To not have signed those papers.

It's been a year and I'm still trying to heal from that surgery.  My hernia is fine.  My heart, however, is not.

I think about it everyday.  I've asked for forgiveness over and over.  I've been angry.  I've thrown stuff.  And I've had the days where I hear that voice that I'm a terrible mother to two kids, I don't deserve any more.

I say all of this, I say too much, have gotten too personal because maybe it's one of you who needs to hear it.  Maybe you're considering making a permanent decision like this and you just don't know if it's the right thing for you.

It might be.

It might not be.

I'm just letting you know my experience with making this permanent decision.  Don't make yours in a moment of frustration.  Don't sign those papers because you feel like you're a bad mom.  Don't assume your husband thinks you're a terrible mama to his children and doesn't want to have more babies with you.

Think it through.  Write out a list.  Pray about it.  Talk to your spouse.  And when you've made your decision, wait another month. Or more.

If this is something you're considering and wanna talk about it, feel free to leave a comment here, or up at the top, where it says "Contact" you can find my email address and email me.  

Conversation with the Husband

Last night I was about to update my FB status and then backspaced it all.

Me:  I probably don't need to tell FB what the girls just did, do I?

Josh:  No, you never know, one of your friends might call CPS or something.

Me:  But then I'd know what time to have the kids waiting at the door with their bags packed.

It's a joke.  Mostly...  ;)

Happy Thursday!

{smile pretty}

Happy Monday, friends!!

The four of us went out for dinner on Saturday night.  I asked my girls to smile pretty for a picture and the result was this...

That youngest child of mine.  She's a wild one.

No idea where she gets that behavior...

Have a great first day of the work/school week!!

xoxo

just a wednesday rambling

how are there only six days until Christmas?

yeesh.

i have one present wrapped under the tree.  it's for my niece, Sareena.  i kinda wanna unwrap it and keep it for myself.

most of the presents i've purchased i feel this way about.  well, maybe not my one year old nephew's present.  i don't want to keep it.  i think Josh does, though.

i'm still waiting on most every gift.  i hate saying this, but here it is, every gift but Sareena's was ordered online.  ack.

i've found myself being very hermitish this December.  not wanting to go anywhere or be around crowds.  not wanting to be cold.

and trying to stick with this budget is easier if i'm not out and about.  no impulse shopping.

my girls each get two gifts this year.  those dream lite thingies and bibles.  i wanted so badly to get Sugar this pretty purple bible with flowers on the front of it.  but she's not a purply flowery kinda girl.  instead i found a bible with a boy and a girl on the front of it, in a jeep, in the jungle.  that's the kinda girl my Sugar is.

Pinterest has helped me figure out what my menu will look like for Christmas day.  banana splits, some sangria, some more food.  with Spice's allergies it's hard to accommodate her.  she's allergic to wheat, eggs, and dairy.  poor kid.  she gets water for Christmas breakfast.  i asked the girls if they wanted to open presents or eat breakfast first.  they both want breakfast first.  they love their food.  just like their mama.

isn't that weird, though?  wouldn't most kids want presents first?

i've always thought they were strange beings.  a coupla months ago really sealed the deal for me.  Josh and i decided to take a vacation this year.  one that does not include a tent or sleeping on the ground. (hallelujah!!)  we were thinking of taking the girls to Disneyland.  but the thought of that place gives me the shivers.  don't ask me why.  however, i just assumed it's every little girl's dream to go there and if i can provide that for my girls, awesome.  but my girls aren't princess-y girls.  not even a little.

case in point.  that up there is my youngest.  with her daddy's tools, some hot wheels cars, dirt and a worm.  this is a normal summer day around here.  i laugh when my friends with boys say things like, "boys will be boys" and describe a very normal to my house situation.

so.

when we started discussing a family vacation to southern California i thought maybe instead of Disney, we could do SeaWorld.  so i asked the girls which they'd prefer.  they both yelled, "Sea World!"  because my girls are all about all things marine.

anyway.  totally digressed from Christmas.

oops.

my girls are in the Christmas Eve service for our church.  Sugar didn't want the part of an angel, or Mary (Jesus' mama) nope, she wanted and got, the part of the donkey.  then i get a text saying that Spice is Mary and even as i type this i'm laughing so hard there are tears.  i don't know why it strikes me so funny, but it does.  they aren't speaking parts or anything (because the donkey could totally talk) but just the fact they're in a Christmas program at all is fabulous to me.  i feel so undeserving to be their mama.  yet so thankful i am.

pretty sure Spice is going to ruin it and run for the hills.  she's not so big on crowds or strangers or being more than three feet from me.

i'm happy it's nearly Christmas.  i'm happy i decided to do a Christmas break even though i hadn't planned to.  it's been nice to not feel rushed to get our school day done.  we've been baking and being lazy and baking.  yesterday was Snicker's fudge.  ohmuhwerd.  so ridiculously good.

are you ready for Christmas?  do eat breakfast first and then open gifts, or the other way around?

Life, it's not fair.

Last night we went to Trevor and Megan's for a birthday party for their youngest.  He's my future son-in-law and I love him dearly.

I don't necessarily love the fact I'll be stuck with Trevor for the rest of my life, but whatev.  You win some, you lose some. ;)

(kidding, Trevor...mostly)

The girls came home with two balloons apiece.

This morning one of Spice's balloons pops.  Immediately she's bawling.

"Iiit's not fair.  Jaylee has two balloons and I only have one.  She should give me one."

HOLD THE PHONE.

We don't do fair around these parts.  Sorry, children, Mama doesn't wanna set you up for disappointment, so let's just lay it out here real quick like.

Again.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

So I told my distraught four year old, "You can continue crying and nothing will change, you will still only have one balloon. OR, you can choose to work, make some money and buy your own balloons."

I will not raise my children believing that just because someone has more than they do that it isn't fair.  I will raise my children believing that if they want something, they need to work for that thing that they want.

Even if it's balloons.

Chore Charts & Allowances for our Small Children

You guys had some great ideas on the post about chores and allowance.

Spice, about 1.5 yrs old.

I decided to sit down and write out the things the girls do (or need to do) daily.  This is what it looks like:

Sugar's Daily Chores (Sugar is 7)

Make bed.
Clean room.
Unload the dishwasher (this sometimes happens 3x per day!)
Feed the animals breakfast.
Sweep the bathroom floor.
Set the table for dinner.

Spice's Daily Chores (Spice is 4)

Make bed.
Clean room.
Unload the dishwasher.
Empty the bathroom garbage.
Feed the animals dinner.
Clear the dinner table.

Here is a breakdown of what they're required to do throughout the week:

For Sugar, along with her daily chores, her weekly chores look like this:

Monday:
Bring up the garbage can from the driveway.
Take out the kitchen garbage.

Tuesday:
Help Mama start laundry.
Help Mama fold laundry.
(Spice will put away)

Wednesday:
Take out kitchen garbage

Thursday:
Daily chores only

Friday:
Clean toilet
Help Mama put away laundry.
Take out kitchen garbage.

For Spice, along with her daily chores, her weekly chores look like this:

Monday:
Dust living room.
Vacuum entry carpet.

Tuesday:
Help Mama put laundry away.

Wednesday:
Vacuum entry carpet.

Thursday:
Daily chores only.

Friday:
Help Mama start laundry.
Help Mama fold laundry.
(Sugar will put away)
Clean bathroom sink.
Vacuum entry carpet.

So far I've only written this out on a sheet of paper (one time!) but plan to make a sticker chart.  They have to do the jobs whether they want to or not, but they will receive stickers when a job is completed with a happy heart.

If, at the end of the week, they have a full chart of stickers, they can pick a prize.

Redbox and popcorn night
Tea Party
30 minutes of televsion
Nintendo 64. (we're so old school)
Outing to the park
(i'm sure i'll think of more next to free prizes they can choose from)

Since I want them to learn about money, the saving, the giving, the spending - I've decided that there are certain jobs for which they can earn money.  Here are a few of those things:

Scooping the dog sh poop from our yard.  (no easy feat as there are four dogs who enjoy our yard for doing their bidness.)
Working on the rigs with their daddy.  Whether this is rotating tires, changing the oil, cleaning the inside or outside - this is a way they can earn money.
Yard work.  We have four lawns we take care of.  Our own, a widow down the road, Josh's parent's and his grandparent's lawn.  When we do work over there, if the girls should decide to help, they may earn money.
Every once in awhile my mother-in-law will ask me to clean her house for her for a few hours.  Usually I stick in a movie for the girls to watch or Josh's dad will take them on errands, but I've decided this is another way they can earn money.  If they decide to help rather than sit on their bums watching tv, they can pocket some cash.

At this point I'm not sure of the cash value of these jobs.  I want it to be enough that they'll be able to save for items they want without it taking three lifetimes to do so, but not so much that I'm killing my own bank account.

I'm really looking forward to implementing this with the girls and teaching them the value of hard work and hard work with a happy heart.  I pray that when they leave our home that they are hardworking women who know how to run a household, make money and know how to properly spend and save that which they've earned.

Work

Anonymous

Work while you work, 

Play while you play; 

This is the way

To be happy each day.

All that you do,

Do with your might;

Things done by halves

Are never done right.