The 14th Anniversary

I woke up with my heart beating fast.

Sweaty.

A panicky feeling.

Yesterday was a bad day with the girls.  Ugh.  I just wasn't very present.  I took them to the pool a couple towns over and watched them swim.

I stood there, alone.  Other moms talking to one another.  But I was by myself this day and thinking about what a loner I can be.

At one point Sugar came up and asked me to swim with her.  "I don't have any friends here today, Mom.  Swim with me!"  And I thought about how I didn't have any friends there that day, either.  So I got in and I waded around.  I had just showered and didn't want to get my hair wet, but I did go out with her.  She's feeling awfully brave in the water these days.  Spice, too.

But we came home and I felt yuck and I sat with my Jodi Picoult book.  I warmed up some hot dogs, cut up some carrots, handed them a Capri Sun and called it lunch.  They played Legos and ate their food and I'm not sure I spoke to them for the next couple of hours.

I went to my bed.  I laid there.  The girls came upstairs and put in The Princess Bride.  They settled into their movie and I went out and laid in the pool.

Josh came home and I grabbed dinner and as soon as I had finished eating I sat outside with my book.

Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of my dad drowning.

The day threw me.  Mostly the day before, but yesterday too.  I just end up feeling weird.  Off.  Like I'm not supposed to care or I'm supposed to care more.  That I remember him too much on that day or not enough.

So I was not a good mom yesterday, nor the day before.

And this morning I woke up in a panic that everyday is like yesterday and Monday.  Not all days are.  But many.  These days are just moving so fast and I can't keep up.  I feel like we're doing so much.  I feel like we're doing nothing at all.

Breathe, Sarah.  Breathe.

I'm realizing that I make everyday sound like a bad day.  Maybe I need to start writing about our good days.  Have those memories recorded.  We do have them.  I can be a good mama on occasion.

Just yesterday wasn't that day.