running is free therapy

if running just a few miles stirs up the emotions and the feelers, what's going to happen on long runs?  when i'm out for more than an hour at a time?  that much time to myself is bound to be dangerous.  i find myself reading or FB'ing or texting or altogether ignoring life sometimes because i find it easier than the thinking and the feeling.

and well.

when you lace up your shoes and hit the road, it's a little harder to occupy yourself.

even music doesn't help.

in fact, it can make it worse.  that song?  oh that song takes me back to this memory.  and that song reminds of this event or that person

and.

and i'm nervous to be alone with myself.

today i'm driving to co-op and realizing that once again i wrote about my dad on my blog and how it makes me cry and i wondered, "are people tired of hearing about my sad pants?  do people think i just need to get over it already?"  i wished so much that there was an easy way to quickly delete that post and have it disappear so no one could ever read my dumb words.  i'm so tired of caring, though.  i really am.  grief is so very different for every one of us.  and maybe you haven't experienced it and that's great.  because loss sucks.  it does.  but in the experiencing of grief i've learned not to judge other's grieving process.

the cemetery isn't far from my house.  i drive by it nearly everyday.  there's a woman that i've seen many times who sprawls herself over one of the graves.  my dad had been dead 11 years when i finally started counseling and learning how to grieve.  before that, before learning about grief, i'd see this woman sprawled across that grave and i would wonder what in the world.  why do that?  what does it help?  they aren't there, doesn't she know that?

through counseling i learned there's no perfect way to grieve.  this woman lays across a grave.  i often let myself think about who she may be grieving.  her father?  a child lost too soon?  her husband and best friend?  i don't know.  i never will.  but my heart hurts for her.  it sucks to love someone and have them be gone.

anyway.  so i write about my dad here on my blog.  and maybe you roll your eyes.  normally i'd say sorry.  but i'm just not.  i'm not going to apologize for writing out the heart stuff.

i haven't been to counseling in quite a few months.  i could use it.  i sure have a lot of junk in this head and heart.  however, the drive, the time, the cost are all preventing me from going right now.

instead, i'll run.  because that's proving to get these emotions on a roll.  and if there's one thing i've learned about myself, it's that i need to let myself feel.  i need to give the emotions a safe place.  not a bottled place.

bottling is not healthy.