Since July I have run 190 miles in preparation for the October 26th marathon. I have spent 30+ hours out on the road. I have lost 12 lbs. I have gained a lot of muscle. Both physically and emotionally.
But last night I realized this marathon journey has come to an end.
I'm not giving up on the goal of running a marathon, but I'm giving up on the one that is 2.5 weeks away.
I have missed a lot of runs due to this knee injury. I've taken meds, I've iced it, I've rested. I've been feeling pretty good. I decided last night it was time to get back out on the road.
It wasn't.
I parked my car, did some stretching, set my GPS, and I started off pretty slowly. My legs felt heavy, it was still hot, I didn't really wanna run. I just knew I needed to. I have a marathon to run soon. At mile two I decided I was going to quit. I wish I had. Instead I kept going. Your body really doesn't get into a groove until about the fourth mile, and I know this, and I wanted to feel that groove, so I kept on. I had counted on the water fountains on the pathway to be working. They weren't. Bah! I was so thirsty. Thankfully at mile five, my turn around, my best guy friend showed up with an ice cold bottle of water. Bless his heart. I downed half the bottle, he poured the rest over my head, and I headed back to town. He yelled after me to let him know if I needed a ride home. It was getting dark, and he knew my knee was starting to bother me.
At mile six it happened. The crazy pain in my knee. This time there was no putting pressure on it. I just stood there with all my weight on one leg. No tears this time. Makes me realize that last time the crying I did was not out of pain but out of frustration. No tears this time because I knew. I know. It's just done. This training is done.
I called Josh and he came to get me. Ice pack in tow.
The rest of the evening is kind of a blur. I sat on the couch with my ice pack, some chocolate, a beer, some cheese and crackers.
Salve.
I'm disappointed. I'm discouraged. I cried myself to sleep.
This feels like just one more area where I'm a failure. And I'm really tired of being a failure.
2 comments:
First of all, friend, you need to change your mindset. (There is a whole book on this called Mindset, which basically asserts that setbacks and "failures" should be reframed as challenges.
Second, in order to fail, you have to be able to make a CHOICE. Failure is a choice. From where I sit, every choice you have made is the choice of a WINNER with a good mindset. Your body saying NO, I CANNOT DO THIS is a message to you.
Not a failure message. Just a message that it is unable to complete your request. Simple biofeedback--with no judgment.
You are not a failure. You are a person who is being responsive to her own body.
Hugs! I LOVE your blog.
A failure is someone who is too scared to even try, someone like me! I always tell myself that I'm going to start running, but I never do. I haven't even done one mile! (At least not since having kids.) I think you are so impressive. And I'm so sorry about your knee.
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