it's been an emotional roller coaster lately in my life. in my heart.
even though i have an amazing amazing life, there are still struggles. some i inflict on myself, others that are actually real.
i can't recall how many times i've discussed on my blog my weight issues.
too many, i'm sure.
but i've hit a new low.
emotionally.
saturday, i didn't even want to go out in public. saturday we took family pictures with my in-laws. i was disgusted with myself being in them. saturday night a friend of mine calls to invite us to her son's birthday party for sunday. we showed up yesterday and i could hardly stand being there. she's so cute and thin. wearing the most fun outfit ever.
then there was me.
it's been a while since i've been on a scale but saturday i tried to put on a pair of my fat pants and they wouldn't button.
not a good sign.
not.at.all.
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i have a bff. and lately i don't see or talk to her much and it hurts my heart more than i can say.
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besides our new life changing job situation, there's more stuff coming our way that i'm not sure i'm prepared for. i'm a selfish selfish girl. i'm trying to be obedient, do what i know i should do. but my heart, well she's not in it.
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treena, chad and their girls were here on saturday. they helped us get a bunch of stuff crossed off my "to do before we're never home" list. a bunch. so much that i actually feel i can breathe. it was amazing and wonderful and how do you say thank you for stuff like that?
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i have a baby sister. she's not even close to being a baby. she's almost 23. i love her. like mad. i don't see or talk to her near enough. i saw her yesterday at the hospital (we were visiting our new baby cousin) and my arms just wanted to reach out and grab her and pull her to me and never let her go. but it was one of those moments when i knew it just wouldn't be welcomed.
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about a year ago my other sister and i finally clicked. finally became friends. if that makes sense... she was living in montana and after 20+ years i finally felt like we were friends, sisters. it was amazing. and i hated that she was so far away. then she moved. to be just 40 minutes away. and i had all these amazing plans for us to hang out all the time. and circumstances in her life have made that difficult. and now she'll be moving again. to seattle. 3 hours from me.
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all these things going through my heart. feeling so sorry for me. consumed with myself that i forget to look to Jesus. consumed with all my issues. consumed with my own world. sitting in church yesterday, i couldn't even sing. couldn't participate in worship. then i look over. and i see a girl my age who is 8+ months pregnant, recently widowed. her eyes closed. her hands lifted to Jesus. a peace across her sweet face. and i just wanted to kick myself. how in the world can i be so consumed with me when this girl has been through so much and yet she praises Jesus? i haven't been thankful to the Lord for anything lately. i've been fighting Him with every ounce of my selfish being.
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so, this is where i am on this monday morning. it's not pretty. but i'm documenting it. so that when the Lord sees me through it, i can document that, too.
18 comments:
Can I relate to this post or what!
I had always been skinny. Too skinny. Gross skinny. Then I had my first baby. and I loved how my shape filled out in the second trimester. Then it kept going. After she was born my wieght dropped off, but the shape still held. I liked it. until the next baby came. I can NOT loose it. I restrict. THat doesn't make me happy. I exercised at first...nothing.
Weight battle is SO hard. I don't even feel sexy anymore, I feel like a blob.
"what? you want to make love to a blob?"
yucko
I'm so glad you feel somfortable putting this "out there" and in the same breath talk about praising Him when you are through it. Love that about you girl!!!
Your last line says it all. "So that when Jesus sees me through this I can document that, too". He WILL see you through this. I know exactly how some of those things feel. I get overwhelmed with them, too. There's a LOT going on in your life right now and you're a normal human being. Crawl up in His big arms and do what you need to do - cry, scream, get mad... and He'll still love you and you'll feel better afterwards :) Hang in there! And keep mentally kicking Satan in the rear until he leaves you alone on this. He's trying, but canNOT get to you. You belong to Jesus. Massively huge bloggy-friend hug to you.
There has always been room at His feet for our lamenting - if it's in your heart He wants to hear about it and share it. It's good to document it here, and it'll be good to document His faithfulness later. However, don't let the 'documenting' so vent your pain that you neglect sobbing before the Lord. He is the only one who can truly comfort those deepest places.
I'm right there with you, Sarah. I dwell on my weight probably far more than I should, and I let it depress me sometimes to the point that I don't want to be around people. It's tough - but I know my hubby still loves me, and my Jesus still loves me, and so I am trying to rest in that (while getting on the treadmill!) :)
Sorry that your sis is moving away. My sis and I are very close, except she lives in California, so I only see her about 3 times a year. No fun.
I am glad you were so honest and put this out there, because you're right - the Lord WILL see you through!
praying for you. It was actually fun on Saturday to help out. Always more fun with people when you work on stuff.
oh man girl...i have one of these sorta posts welling up BIG TIME! i was right there with ya, cheering you on in this pit and then when i began reading the part about your response to God...i felt like hanging my head low. way to vent and then bring it back to the Lord. it was very encouraging!
I can so relate to the issues about weight. I've started once again to watch what I eat. I can't tell you how many times I've started.
As I read the rest of your post I had a scripture come to mind. I went to find it and came across something so much better.
Psalms 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble"
All I can say is......WOW! I will keep you in my prayers, Sarah. Our trials can be tough, but Jesus will see you through. FOR SURE!!! Love ya girl!
Make plans to see your bff - or call him/her. Friends always put a smile on my face.
Weight is tough - it takes an equal amount of motivation and dedication. A recent picture taken of Jack and I really shows our weight gain... we're both working on losing a few lbs... I should post the pic. =(
Sorry to hear about your sister moving so soon. That's a bummer. Hopefully the move is a good one for her and her family though!
Your post made me cry! You are beautiful inside and out. I'm sorry that there are so many things weighing on you right now. Keep turning to the One Who eases our burdens. I love you.
2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
I hear you, girl. There are times I would rather hide in my house than try to find something to fit into and go out in public looking fat.
Praying right now that your day sees some peace; that you can turn your eyes upon Jesus so that the things of this world grow strangely dim.
Two things:
Good for you to document your struggles - sort of like a prayer journal.
And good for you to know that God will pull you out of this - and that he will receive the glory when he does.
I came across your blog thru another and hope you don't mind me stopping by. I could so relate to you post..I think I am about 10 years your senior, but could so feel your pain. I have never been considered 'skinny' but have been for years thru the roller coaster rides of weight gain and loss. Not a pretty picture...When I scrolled on down and read your fridge post..I had to laugh to keep from crying. We just replaced our fridge..partly because I hated it and it was old and you could never tell what was in there because you couldn't see everything. Partly because we missed having a side by side with glass shelves..so we bought one and when I say I threw 2 bags of garbage away..I am not kidding..total waste. But now it's bright and clean..if I can just keep it that way..ha I have no excuse now :) If you ever would like to stop by my blog I just today made it private.. but my email is agb443@msn.com if you would like an invite. I don't know how else to do it. Keep your chin help up high, you know God is Able and will help you thru this. That's exactly what satan wants you to think, he can't have your soul, so he's going to attack your mind. ((hugs))
Sarah, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You don't know how so many of your posts have help me realize what I am feeling myself. I love you!
I will be praying for E and her family.
BFF has had a hard time too! Going from breaking up after a day to going a week or longer has been rough. Its time to make it different.
I love you!!!
Lots of ((hugs)) and prayers to you....
You are so brilliantly honest! You can make even a "bad" situation (in your eyes) seem funny or minimal.
You should not stress over your weight! Your beauty shines through every ounce of your being Sarah! Whether you are 300# or 100#...You are one of the most beautiful people I know! (And some day will meet for real!!)
Down times are part of life, but YOU always come through with flying colors!
~Hugs Sarah~
Barb
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