A decade since I lost my dad.
Ten years since he drown in the river while boating with friends.
Ten years since I've heard the infectious laugh. Since I've seen the bushy hair under his hat. Ten years since I've seen his friendly smile. Since we've gone to lunch. Ten years since he hugged me.
Ten years ago Josh and I were in San Diego celebrating our first anniversary when we receive a call. A call to come home. A call that has forever changed my life.
I do anything possible to push that hurt away. I joke constantly about my dad drowning. It's the only way I can deal. But one day out of 365 I let myself be sad. I let myself think more about him and how I wish it could have been.
I let myself play the "if only" game.
If only he hadn't died, he'd be able to play with his two granddaughters. Would have held them the day they were born and watched them grow. My dad never held me, never saw me, until I was eight months old, I used to think about how when I had kids at least then he'd be able to see them and hold them and experience what he missed 29 years ago when I was born.
But it wasn't to be.
He didn't get (rather, take) the chance 29 years ago and he didn't get the chance this time around.
If only he'd been around when my life was falling apart, maybe he could've helped. Or maybe he would have been disappointed...
I hate this day. I do. Because it reminds me all over again that yep, he's dead. And nope, he's never coming back. I think about it everyday. Still. After 10 years not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him or wished him alive.
Because even though I'm 29, I still want my daddy. I still miss him. I miss the light in his eyes when I'd come walking through his shop. I even miss the uncomfortable-ness of hanging out. Our relationship didn't come easy since we were never around each other much until I turned 18. But we were getting there.
I miss him. I just do.
Thankful that this year I'll be spending this day with friends.
6 comments:
Oh, I am so, so sorry. Truly I am. I know nothing I can say can really make it better, but...I'm praying for you. Hugs....
HUGS Sarah..
My mom died just about 8 years ago in a car wreck. Very unexpected. I still miss her.
Dear Sarah,
It is very painful to lose someone you love, but it's good to talk about them and remember the "good" times spent together. What a blessing you were able to spend this day with friends.
May the God of comfort, comfort your soul. May His peace guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Many blessings to you,
Sarah - I am sorry for you. I remember reading your post last year about your Dad and crying. (only last year I was still a "lurker"! =) )
Praying for you - that today won't be overcome with sorrow.
And I am thankful for you - that your children, by the grace of God, won't have the same sad thoughts on their relationship with their dad. They are so blessed to have a good daddy.
Hope you have a good - albeit hot! day
Laura
my goodness your dad was handsome sarah! and i sure get this one. i lost my mom in october and as the day approaches i find myself getting quiet and cranky and then it dawns on me why. as much as i try to move on in life...my body reminds me that something is missing. sad for you today sister. even if we get older...we still need our parents! BIG HUGS.
I play the "if only" game too, and like you I joke about my dad dying all the time as well. It's a coping mechanism for sure. I hope you had a nice day with friends, it never gets "better" you just get used to it.
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