The 2012 election is over.
I sat on the couch with my phone, laptop, and the television. I ignored my family while I watched the results. There wasn't a sense of panic this election the way I had four years ago. I think because just a few days before the election I re-read my post from four years ago and Josh's words from that day were a comfort to me. That God is our ultimate Commander in Chief. So who am I to worry?
As I re-read that post I saw my own heart. My faith. Four years ago it was so much stronger than it is today. I hate admitting that.
But it's the truth.
Four years ago I read my bible more. Not much more, but now my daily reading is Sunday reading as I'm in church. Four years ago I applied Sunday's sermon with my day to day. Now I listen to the sermon half-heartedly and find myself thinking about what to put on the grocery list and, will Josh stop at Starbucks on the way home without me asking or not.
Over the last couple of years I have made some positive changes to my life. But I've made negative changes as well and isn't it funny how negative can outweigh positive? No, it's not funny. Yet it's how it's working in my life at the moment.
You're probably reading this and wondering what the heck. That's okay. I'm mostly writing to get all these thoughts outta my head that have been making me crazy. Crazier.
The other day I was so frustrated. My heart hurt so badly. I threw my phone across the room and dented the wall.
And then I wept. Not for the wall. Or my phone. But because I just needed to let my heart spill through tears.
I'm really mature for 32. Obvs.
I get so frustrated with myself. I am this mess of a girl.
I love my husband and I adore my sweet baby girls.
I love my mom and my word how I love my sisters even when they don't speak to me.
I would not be the person I am without the amazing friends God has blessed me with since I was 14 years old and moving to yet another new school.
I have rockstar in-laws, that if not for them, sometimes I feel as if I would have no family at all.
The biggest area where I'm so frustrated with myself is that I love Jesus but to meet me now or just a couple of years ago, I wonder if you'd even know that.
I'm failing all the people I've listed above.
I tell God that today's the day. Today I live for Him. Today I'll do it different. And days will go by and we're tight. We're good. And then I screw up and I when I screw up I don't mess around, I screw up big. And I wonder how on earth I can train these girls of mine when here I am. Like this.
With tears and snot running down my face while I type this, two sets of innocent eyes are looking up to me and asking, "Mama, why are you crying?"
I don't want to worry them.
So I'm going to go snuggle them.
Thanks for letting me lay out my heart.
3 comments:
i dented the wall a few weeks ago by throwing the phone. my husband told me it'd come out of my christmas money. (not his finest moment, either.) :)
happens to the best of us. don't for a minute think you aren't in that category. God loves you. love yourself.
God made us human and that we are. What you are doing and saying is human...remember that nobody is perfect, even if they seem that way to others, they aren't. Everyone is fighting their own battle and God loves them all, every single one. Wall dents, snot, and ALL.
Thank you once again for pooring out your heart. It is amazing how many times I feel like a failure to God, my friends, and my family. Once again I find myself relating to what you are saying right here. Seems like we as Christians are expected to not grieve over our country and it's happenings because it is in God's hands/His control. As if I don't already know/believe that! Yet I was bawling my little eyes out after elections, grieving what this country has left and lost. I mean WHY would God continue to bless our country when a majority of the people He made are telling Him they don't need Him nor want Him to be a part of this country anymore?! Yet I grieve my kids and what they will have to go through; I grieve for the freedoms lost; I grieve for our country. Thank goodness for Jesus, otherwise I would be a mess.
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