i've been thinking quite a bit about grace lately.
not so much that i'm in my bible learning about it, but while i'm out changing sprinklers or folding laundry, or while my hands are in hot, soapy water, i'm thinking about grace.
i don't get it.
i certainly don't deserve it.
i'm this huge mess. more than you realize.
why He chooses to love me, forgive me, accept me...it's beyond me. like, BEYOND me. i can't grasp it. i sin and i sin and i sin so much more.
and there's this thing called grace.
i feel like i don't have room for it in my life. like i can't understand it, so i can't accept it.
does that make sense?
i don't know why You'd choose to love me, Lord, so sorry, but i can't accept it.
i make the same mistakes over and over AND over again. why would He forgive my crap?
i don't know. i need to change more sprinklers, fold more laundry and put my hands in more hot, soapy water and think about it. think about grace.
2 comments:
Ah Sarah, one of my biggest struggles too. Especially right now.
I don't know the answers. I keep questioning it, this GRACE, and yes, rejecting it too. How can it be, that He can and does always?
I can only compare it to when someone I deeply love hurts me, or makes a bad decision, or 'sins' against me in some way. I don't stop loving them. And I forgive them...eventually...usually... sometimes... Oh I'm thankful His forgiveness isn't conditional... like me.
This question(s) has been large in my life for the last year and I keep thinking about it like you while doing the dishes, helping that mean person in the hospital bed when I don't want to, when someone is almost running into me on the road while texting, when I'm stuck all the way over here away from everyone for yet another day and on and on and on...
I have been reading Ann Voskamp's blog, aholyexperience.com She talks about grace most of the time and how confusing it is and how she is learning and understanding and trying to accept it.
"Accepting the caress of grace can terrify. Why is it hard just to let love? Every chance I have to love imperfect people is another chance to perfect His love in me. . This is a way to soar." Ann Voskamp
I love reading your thoughts. You share so deeply and bare. You let us see the real stuff. And that is really precious and greatly admired.
You're not alone.
Keep asking the hard questions. I believe He loves to answer them most.
Sarah
this is why I love to read your blog. No BS here.
I got pulled over the other day. I was going 77 in what I thought was a 70. It was a 65. So I was KNOWINGLY speeding anyway, thinking I would get away with it because it was ONLY 7 miles over. The state trooper who pulled me over was the one and only guy who gave my husband a ticket about 3 weeks ago (which he only gave him a ticket for 5-10 miles over the limit when in actuality he was almost 15 over).
Anyway, he recognized my hubby. I gave him a hard time about his wife needing a new toaster and he let me off.
Clean off. He didn't even give me one of those warning tickets. Just looked at my license, told me he didn't need the registration and insurance since he could look it up online, and told me to slow down and be careful.
Grace
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