this week and this heart

for nearly a week now my heart feels it could burst at any moment.

i've had one of my happiest weeks i've ever ever had.  (yesterday was sorta poop, but that was because i was being a butthole)

anyway.  i've enjoyed my days and my kids and wifeliness.  well, most of my wifeliness.  he's not been home much, that husband of mine.  last night he got home at about 8:15 pm and was back to work at 4:45 this morning.

i want to shout it over FB to everyone that my man works as hard as he does.  i want the teenage girls that are my friends or family to see that A REAL MAN WORKS.  he does what he has to do to take care of his family.  pick your man wisely, girls.  for it is forever.  i want the men on my FB who are sloths to feel a pinch, too.

we had talked awhile ago about what he'd do if for some reason he were to lose his job.  i loved what he said, "if i had to work at mcdonald's to take care of my family, that's what i would do.  there's not a job i wouldn't take so i could take care of you guys."  and yet i watch others sit without a job because they feel they're too good for this or that.

irks me.  like IRKS ME.  take care of your own, please, instead of expecting a handout.

total digression.

anyway.  i'm proud of him.

so my heart.  it's been happy.  and i thank you, my friends, who read here and either comment, or email or phone call or text in response to what i write.  it means a lot.  it really does.  because for the most part, when i'm here and i'm typing, it's just trying to get my heart out and to no one in particular.  just to get it out before i suffocate.  and sometimes what i write isn't pretty, but it's always my heart and well,

sometimes that thing isn't pretty.

it can be hard or broken or hard AND broken.  and i think that's what you may have found two posts ago.

hard and broken.

i have this really great life and swear sometimes i'm hell-bent on trying to ruin it.  so when i feel like i'm making a fantastic mess of things i wonder why the heck God would love this.  this me.  and since i can't stand me half the time, okay three quarters of the time, i figure He prolly can't either.  i forget sometimes, okay, it's not that i forget, i just haven't really believed that He created me and can't not love me.

some days, when i am not lost in self pity and wondering why God would give me children when clearly i do not deserve them, i have a teensy glimpse of why He might have just done so. why He would choose me for them.  so i could have a teensy glimpse of how much He loves me.  these girls of mine, my word.  how i don't deserve them but oh how grateful i am for them.  because there's this fierceness.  there's this, no matter what you did, Sugar and Spice, mama is gonna love you with her whole heart.  they could never do anything that would cause me to not love them.

and how much MORE He loves ME.

and YOU.

it's ridiculous.  it's ridiculous how much we are loved.

and how all the shiz we do is covered.

COVERED.

the crap i did yesterday.  the crap i did today.  and you know there will be crap tomorrow.

COVERED.

FORGIVEN.

and so my heart.

it's just been so happy and free.  and it's helped me be productive and loving and kind.

these are all things i'm not when i'm feeling the weight of me and of my ick.  i can't be loving or kind.  and i surely can't do dishes.  or laundry.  but this week has been different.

even Sugar said at the dinner table two nights ago, "Mom was happy today.  It was a good day."  and Josh looked at me and smiled.

and if you know me, you KNOW i wanted to take those words to hurt. and dwell on how i've been such a horrible mama.  instead i chose to take them to heart and be happy.  because she'd seen a difference in me that day and for once it was a good.

there's more.  more to this heart change.  and as i'm able to process it and write it, i will.

it's good.