the post about my bike and my goal i never reached

the doctor who performed the three surgeries i've had asked me a couple of months back if i'd like to ride STP.

Seattle to Portland.  200 miles over two days.

totally doable.

he then asked if i'd consider being one of the ridiculous ones and do the ride in one day.

apparently some idiots do that.

i paid him $200 to ask me that question.

okay, actually i was having some pain along my 6 year old incision that had persisted 12 days and i was growing concerned.  so i made an appointment.  i was there approximately 20 minutes, 5 of which were spent him telling me i'm fine, the other 15 talking bicycles.

i told him i'd think about it and let him know.

i get out to the car and first thing i do is text Jessica.  how do you set a goal and what if you set a goal but cannot reach it?

THEN WHAT!?

and she told me i needed something scary and i needed to sign up and don't we all need that friend who says, "do the scary thing"?

yes.  we do.

so glad to have her.

i talked to Josh.  and then a few days later i walked back into his office and asked the office girl to please write a note to the fine doctor letting him know i would begin training.

it's been two months.  there's been no training.  a website i've found shows training to start in February.  and the miles in a week are so completely doable.  starting with just three rides and 60 miles a week.  that's really not that many.

however, it's just not possible at this time in my life.

i don't know what's happened but life has changed and so have i and i don't seem to have the time to get out on the bike.  the days are shorter and by the time Josh gets home from work there's no daylight.  i've ridden in the dark before.  twice.  once i was hit by a car, and the other time a car did not see me and i had to slam on my brakes, didn't clip out in time, and fell.

i cannot safely ride in the dark.

at ages eight and five i cannot leave my children during the day to go ride.

i cannot train or sign up for STP.

today i went to the gym to cancel my membership.  the pissy pants side of me considered listing my bike on Craigslist.  what's the point of having her if i don't get to ride her?  i feel like it's a waste.  i feel like my love for the sport, for the bike - is a waste.

admittedly, i'm in a sour mood about the whole thing.  i'm not writing this post in a just-no- feeling-this moment the way i often do.  it's been days upon days knowing i can't do STP.  my sad pants-ness isn't gonna go away any time soon.