where i post my stupid weight

Nearly two months ago I posted that it was high time I start losing weight again.  And in those two months I've lost exactly zero pounds.

Awesome, no?

I just haven't had any oomph to get out the door and off my ever growing arse.

I went running last Friday morning.  I haven't run in I don't know how long.  But I decided to put on some spandex and my running shoes and hit some pavement.  I ran 3.2 miles and the next day I wasn't sure I'd be able to get out of bed.  So freaking sore!  It's been nearly a week and I still feel sore.

I need to do something.  Something different.  Something that's going to inspire me to work hard.  So I'm going to go back to posting about this shiz on my blog.  I'll weigh in weekly, posting that bit of fabulous news here and make you folks my accountability partners.

Please and thank you.

I know tomorrow is Friday, but I know what I weigh right now, so let's just get this crap started.

Let's start with my goal.  My goal is to get back to my 123 that I was a solid two years.  It's been nearly a year since I've seen that on the scale.  My incentive is a brand spankin' new pair of jeans.  I almost always buy my jeans second hand.  The last pair I bought in Portland were new and fairly inexpensive, but you get what you pay for with jeans.  They're cute, but they don't fit well.  You should feel one with your jeans. :)  The jeans I love are about $100.  I haven't spent that much on a pair of jeans in about 10 years.  So, this is a pretty exciting incentive for me.

I currently weigh (ugh) 135 lbs.  This kinda freaks me out.  Especially to post it for the world.  But I think this is what I need to help me get back on track.

12 lbs.  I can do this.

I have a wedding to go to mid February, I'd like to have reached my goal by that time.

Go, Team!

the post about my bike and my goal i never reached

the doctor who performed the three surgeries i've had asked me a couple of months back if i'd like to ride STP.

Seattle to Portland.  200 miles over two days.

totally doable.

he then asked if i'd consider being one of the ridiculous ones and do the ride in one day.

apparently some idiots do that.

i paid him $200 to ask me that question.

okay, actually i was having some pain along my 6 year old incision that had persisted 12 days and i was growing concerned.  so i made an appointment.  i was there approximately 20 minutes, 5 of which were spent him telling me i'm fine, the other 15 talking bicycles.

i told him i'd think about it and let him know.

i get out to the car and first thing i do is text Jessica.  how do you set a goal and what if you set a goal but cannot reach it?

THEN WHAT!?

and she told me i needed something scary and i needed to sign up and don't we all need that friend who says, "do the scary thing"?

yes.  we do.

so glad to have her.

i talked to Josh.  and then a few days later i walked back into his office and asked the office girl to please write a note to the fine doctor letting him know i would begin training.

it's been two months.  there's been no training.  a website i've found shows training to start in February.  and the miles in a week are so completely doable.  starting with just three rides and 60 miles a week.  that's really not that many.

however, it's just not possible at this time in my life.

i don't know what's happened but life has changed and so have i and i don't seem to have the time to get out on the bike.  the days are shorter and by the time Josh gets home from work there's no daylight.  i've ridden in the dark before.  twice.  once i was hit by a car, and the other time a car did not see me and i had to slam on my brakes, didn't clip out in time, and fell.

i cannot safely ride in the dark.

at ages eight and five i cannot leave my children during the day to go ride.

i cannot train or sign up for STP.

today i went to the gym to cancel my membership.  the pissy pants side of me considered listing my bike on Craigslist.  what's the point of having her if i don't get to ride her?  i feel like it's a waste.  i feel like my love for the sport, for the bike - is a waste.

admittedly, i'm in a sour mood about the whole thing.  i'm not writing this post in a just-no- feeling-this moment the way i often do.  it's been days upon days knowing i can't do STP.  my sad pants-ness isn't gonna go away any time soon.

bruised but protected

i fell while riding my bike two days ago.

i bloodied my knee.

bruised my wrist and elbow.

but i got back on my bike yesterday.

because you have to get back on.

you can't be afraid.

you cannot live life afraid.

yesterday i was a human punching bag.

assaulted with words.

i've had hurtful words, hateful words hurled at me before.

nothing like what i experienced yesterday.

i've never had my entire body shake the way it did yesterday.

i've never cried more tears.  i've never had my head and eyes hurt that way before from all the crying.

i've never ever hurt more than i hurt yesterday.

but today i'm up.

i'm out of bed and i'm going to live this day.

and love this day.

i won't live my life afraid.

for i have a shield around me.

psalm 3:3

The First Monday of the Month

When my mom moved back to town a couple of months back I asked if she would be so inclined to take my children one day a month for the entire day.  And because she loves me so much (but not as much as she loves the other two) she said yes.

Last month I painted while she had the kids.  And it was weird but it was good.  Josh had left for Bend, OR for the night and my house was just me and my paintbrush.

Yesterday I dropped the girls off, went walking with a friend at the park and then headed home.  Unsure of what to do with my day I decided to just get on my bike.  So I rode 17 miles, had some deep fried asparagus and rode back home.  The weather was perfect.  In the upper 70s.  The sunshine and the exercise were making my heart happy.

But once I got home I was just lost as to what to do.  It was only 3 pm!

I showered, painted my fingernails, did some dishes and then headed back to my mom's house.  My youngest was missing me.  It was decided the kids would spend the night with my mom.  And Spice was very excited.  They aren't ever away over night!

Coincidentally Josh headed to Bend, OR yesterday too so there was no one to come home to.  I went walking at the park again, ate at a taco wagon, and was home by 7:30.

I left the front door open, turned Pandora on Colbie Caillat station and blasted it.  It was so loud and so quiet all at the same time.

I realized I was a little bit miserable.

So I started to write.  With like an actual pen and paper!

"What Quiet Time Looks Like"

I wrote out how I view it.  Then I wrote out my reality.  It boiled down to guilt.  Feeling guilty for enjoying time alone that I do nothing.  Or nothing that I've planned.  I had to tell myself that there was NOTHING WRONG with spending some time alone.  I'm with my kids all day, everyday.  One single day without 'em doesn't make me a bad mama.

Josh and I talked about it this morning and he agreed, next month I need to have a plan.  I need to have some cash monies.  And I need to just follow-through on doing something with my day so that I enjoy it and don't feel regret or whatever.

We'll see how it goes.  I'll letcha know next month...

I say blissful a lot but it's not always that way. Not always that way at all.

The other night I was out for a ride on my bike.  I was approaching a family of five who were also on their bicycles.  Mom, Dad, three kids.  Two kids were riding, one on their own, one with the help of dad.  The mother was carrying the bike of the youngest, while walking her own.

She looked frazzled.

As I got closer I said to her, "you always think it's going to be a lot more fun than it is, huh?"

The dad laughed, but the mom looked at me like, "someone gets it."

We've been that family.

I've been that mama.

Me: Hey!  Let's all get our shoes on and put our bikes in the rig, head to the path and have some family bonding.

Family:  can't find socks, or a match set of shoes.  neighbor's dog stole a helmet.  so and so is wearing MY shorts.  husband is trying to keep out of the crossfire by loading bikes.  can you help me buckle, i can't buckle, she just stuck her tongue out at me!

We get to the pathway and we probably look like this happy little family.  And we are.  But you know, looks are so deceiving.  Aren't they?

You whiz by in the car and see a family on the pathway and wish you could look so blissful.  But you don't know the dynamic behind closed doors.

You don't see that the husband just found out a huge part of his job is hanging in the balance and who knows what's going to happen there.  You don't see that he's listing in his head every person who has offered him a job in the last three years and trying to decide who he'd call first.  You don't know that the mama is *thisclose* to locking herself in the bathroom with a bottle of w(h)ine when she gets home because she's pretty sure she's on the fast track to crazy.  She can't keep up with the house and the being the mom and being the wife and being the friend, the teacher, the sister.  You don't see that she feels there's not one area where she's succeeding unless procrastination is an area.  And the children.  Oh the children.  They have their own little bitty issues you aren't seeing from the road.  Those smiling faces aren't always so smiley.

We look at people's outsides and we just assume everyone is so much better off and happier than we are.  Or is this just me?

I assume everyone has their shiz together and I am the only one who feels like a fraud on the pathway.

I posted a picture last Friday night of my family.  Josh was sitting with the girls, he had just put up a tent, we were about to play Skip-Bo and popcorn was being eaten.  I wasn't in the picture picture, but I was there.  I was in the picture as far as being a part of that night.  I posted it and received a text from a friend.  "Nice, happy family."  But said friend knows that my life is not perfect by any means.  And then my uncle commented on the picture saying that Josh was a good papa.  And he is.  He so is.  But instead of accepting that compliment I was like, 'hello, what about my kids' mom?  what about her?'  And we are back to the girl who wants to lock herself up with a bottle of wine.

I very nearly deleted that picture because I don't want people assuming we are always so blissful on a Friday night.  But in that moment we were and I guess I wanted it documented.

This is such a bunch of rambling.  You're shocked, huh?  I don't know what I'm trying to say.  Other than everyone's got their deal.  We're happy for a minute and we can be miserable for a minute.  Don't assume that everyone's lives are always the bliss they post to FB but also, don't make them out to be a fraud because sometimes those moments are what we live for and get us through the muck for the next moment of bliss.

the end.

Let's set a goal, shall we?

The four of us are leaving soon(ish) to warmer temps.

My body is in no shape to be seeing the sun whilst in a swim suit.

I'm canceling my membership to the gym I've loved for two years now.  Life is changing and I'm just not able to leave the house as frequently as before.  It's time to start working out from home.

My bicycle and I have been separated for a couple of months now, a situation that needs to be remedied immediately.  While a good hour at the gym feels great, nothing leans this girl out like time on the bike.  I must get back to pedaling.

I've gained two pounds.  This isn't much.  And for the most part I'm not concerned.  But the fact that I've lost a lot of muscle and let it turn into blubber isn't making me very happy.

So.

Here's my goal.

10 pounds in three months.  Totally doable.  Just a little over three pounds per month.

That would put me at 115.  A number I haven't seen on the scale since I was about four months pregnant with Sugar. Which woulda been a little over eight years ago.

115 seems ridiculous.  But I want to do it.

I was trying to think of what I could reward myself with and then it hit me, duh.  Vacation.  

And a new swim suit!

What hard work can do

Today I was looking to find a pic of the "old me" to see if there was actually that much of a difference in how I looked before going to the gym and riding my bike.

I figured Facebook would probably be the best place to find old pics of myself.

I found one from two summers ago, it was taken in July 2010, about seven months before I started going to the gym.

And then I got a current photo, one from our Memorial weekend camping trip.

And then I put them side by side.

There's a difference.  For sure.

It was a good reminder for me today that hard work pays off.  I needed that reminder as I was hauling stuff up from the basement for our yard sale.  Thinking it was a waste of time.

But the hours I spent at the gym and the miles I put on my bike were not a waste of time.  I accomplished something I didn't think I was able to accomplish.  I lost 30 nasty pounds in about 7 months and have maintained that for the last year.

Hard work pays off.

So I'm going to keep plugging away at this yard sale stuff and know that my hard work won't be for nothin'.

8 Takes of my Weekend

1. Friday night was date night.  Kind of last minute plans.  Good plans.  We ate at PF Changs.  I had a coupla Mai Tais and may have gotten tipsy.  I may have also sang Rihanna's S&M at the top of my lungs in the van.  And said, "Go, Team!" to the barista at Starbucks in the drive-thru when we ordered coffee so I could be sober for Target.  Oh, that Target on that Friday night.

He's pretty much a whole lot of hottness.

2.  Date night turned into Date Morning and Josh and I were able to ride with our friends on Saturday morning.  It was a grueling 40 mile ride.  There were times I'd fall off from the pack, they'd have to slow down and wait for me and then times when I'd power through on the hills and be up with the cool kids. I almost puked a coupla times.  I haven't been that worn out from a ride since our 90 miler back in July.  In 9 days I've ridden 135 miles.

Thankful he puts up w/my self-portraits.

3.  Last minute decision to Spring Barrel with my sister and Tracy was a hoot.

we're a good time, this sister and me.

i love that i look tall. for once. thank you, shoes.

yes, i have a sticker on my head. no, that's not our limo.

4.  I got to hold a 3 week old baby.  Oh my womb.  

5. I went to Body Flow yesterday for the first time in two weeks.  Totally sucked.  My abs were like, "haha, SUCKER."  

6.  I rode my bike to Body Flow and while I was on my way there I got "woo hoo'd!!!"  By my sister-in-law.  I'd take that over the creeps who often hang out their window to whistle.  Seriously, guys.  SERIOUSLY.

7.  Oh, Seven.  Or 37, which is my fave number.  After 63.  Hey, I had to throw some random into a weekend post.

8.  I saw several motorcycles at Starbucks yesterday (I stopped there on my bike) and one guy had the nerve to say, "I bet you haven't ridden as far as I have today."  And I said, "I bet you haven't burned as many calories as I have."  To which he had no reply.  TAKE THAT.

the post where i could be snarky but choose not to be

I am feeling so snarky right now.  Which is my way of self-preservation.

I don't even know where to begin and since it probably wouldn't be pretty, I'm going to choose NOT to begin. I'll keep my snark to myself.

Others should follow suit.

It's raining and fabulous.  I opened up a window in my bedroom last night and fell asleep to the sound of rain.  And woke up the very same way.

It's like the rain gets me.  Knows when I need the refreshment.  The soothing.

My hair is hi-lighted and that makes me happy.  I did some painting for my in-laws on Saturday and thought I had gotten paint in my hair.  Nope.  It was just grey hair.  But it's covered now.

Btw:  I prefer "grey" to "gray" in case you were wondering.  And in case you weren't.

I rode my bike to the salon yesterday.

I've put 80 miles on my bike since Saturday and have lost three pounds as a result.  I have a pair of spandex my in-laws bought me for Christmas that are a size XS.  Working my butt off to fit into them.  I mean, I fit into them, I'd just prefer a little less muffin topness going on.

This line was typed.  Then deleted.  Realized it woulda been taken all wrong and well, I've had just about enough of that.

Sugar has a soccer game tonight.  I almost feel bad for the other teams she plays.  Sugar's soccer coach is very serious about soccer and our team wins every time.  By a lot.  Not that I keep score because you aren't supposed to keep score but we do.  We win.  And last week the opposing team's coach called the game at the half and said it was due to rain but I believe it was due to the 13-1 lead we had.  But what do I know?

Looking forward to Saturday.  Looking forward to being able to ride with Josh.  Mostly looking forward to kicking his butt.  He's so much stronger of a rider than I am but he hasn't been out to really ride in awhile so I'm hoping to stand half a chance this weekend.

Josh and I watched some home video of the girls from about three years ago.  Oh my word.  Sugar was making us laugh so hard.  She talks non-stop.  She's always happy.  She's just so her.  Then there's Spice.  Oh, Spice.  She's crying in most of the video we have of her.  She's just so her. :)  There was also video of me.  With an extra 30ish lbs.  Wow.  That was weird to see.  How did I let myself be like that for so long?  It was a miserable five years.

I'm behind on laundry.

We have a long-ish driveway and occasionally Sugar wants to have the car stopped at the bottom and run to the house.  Last night, in the rain, this is what she wanted.  I decided to run with her.  She got a bit of a head start and I never was able to catch up with her.  I'd like to blame it on my flip flops, the rain, my bad knee, and the fact that I kept having to pull up my jeans but what it boils down to is that kid has some wheels.

Okay, it's time to get my day going.  Totally patting myself on the back for keeping my snark to myself.

Happy Thursday, Friends!

the weekend i didn't go camping and the bunny story

I started my morning fairly early and I'm on the phone with Josh and I'm looking out my bedroom window and I see Clifford.  My cat.  Well, the family cat.  And he's out in the garden area and he's being very un-Clifford like and rolling all over the ground.  Clifford doesn't do that.  Then I realize why he's being a moron.

He has a bunny.

So I go traipsing out there in my jammies and my slippers and I inform him that he WILL NOT be harming this baby bunny.  I pick him up and he is pissed.  He's the most laid back cat we've ever owned but right now he's ticked that I am taking him away from his baby bunny.

I haul him back in the house and not two minutes later, Clifford, Ruby (our other cat) and Ace (our Beagle) are all making a bee-line for the bunny.  I grab two cats by the scruffs of their necks and they are hissing and kicking and fur is flying and I'm sure the neighbors are wondering what the crap is going on.  Bunny goes into hiding.  All is well.

Sugar comes in the house and informs me that she has put the bunny in the tree so that Ace will not get it.  I tell her the bunny could die if he hops out of the tree.  And she announces: "Oh, he's already dead."  My smart girl had put on gloves and everything.  I go out and sure enough there's a dead bunny in my tree.

So I put on gloves and I grabbed a shovel and I buried that cute little bunny in my backyard.  I teared up and my six year old is like, "Wow, that's sad.  Can I have a snack?"

That was my morning.

My weekend went like this:

Saturday I got up and headed down to Doc's office where we meet to ride our road bikes.  I went alone because Josh took our girls on a hiking/camping trip.  I rode 30 awesome miles with them.  Doc taught me how to stand while continuing to pedal uphill.  This probably sounds like something that's easy to do but remember, I'm the girl who can't drink from her water bottle and ride at the same time.

So he teaches me how to do this and bam I take off.  They're yelling at me that I'm supposed to maintain my speed not speed up.  Yeah, there's no way I'm going to go slow up a hill if I can go fast.  I'm not wired like that.  In the process of doing the rollers the new way (standing) I sailed through them and didn't vomit the way I've done previously.

And when we were done with our ride I was so pumped I very nearly just kept on riding.  Instead I went home to shower.  In an empty house and that is so very weird to shower without someone opening up the shower curtain and yelling, "Mama!  What's for breakfast?!"  I was able to shave both legs and both armpits.

I went up to my in-laws for a while to do some work for them.  Got so dirty I had to come home and shower again.  And then I got back on my bike for another 20 miles for a total of 50 miles on Saturday!  I asked a friend to ride with me but he wussed out declined.  Maybe because I told him he could ride my back wheel I gave the impression that I was going to kick his butt.  Which I totally woulda.

I rode my bike to my aunt's house in Gview.  This is an aunt on my dad's side of the family.  The side of my family I'm not nearly as comfortable with or know as well but love dearly.  However, I walk in the house then out to the backyard and when I see how many of my family members are out there I walk right back in the house and have a sit down.  Holy lots of family.  I had to take a breather.  Give myself a pep talk and proceed to the backyard.  Where I discussed tattoos, dreadlocks, nose piercings, and giving birth with my cousin.  All things I love.

And then I announced I was riding my bike home and my uncle tried to give me a ride but I said no.  On my way home I get a text from a friend and am invited to sports bar/casino and it's on my way home and a beer sounds fantastic! but I politely decline and I'd like to say I declined because of my attire (biking skirt, tank top, sweaty face) but really it's because I've never been in there and I don't go into places alone that I've never been.  I get this weird anxiety deal and I wish I could explain it but it just boils down to possibly needing more therapy.

Then I went home, showered for a third time.

This entire time I cannot get in touch with my husband because there is no cell service where he is and my mind is going crazy thinking they've been eaten by bears and why oh why did I not just go with them?!

I was asked why I didn't go with them.  I told him there were two reasons.  The first is that after the family camping trip from hell in August, Josh told me I never had to camp again.  I fully intend to hold him to this for the duration of our marriage, however long that may be.  And secondly, I homeschool my kids.  I am here pretty much 24/7.  I am with them allthetime.  They can have 36 hours with their daddy.  It is good for them and it is good for me.

I'm done feeling guilty about that.  Even Josh told me there was no reason for me to feel guilty for not going.

After I explained my reasons my friend understood.

My kids had a blast and they brought home 14 minutes of video for me to watch.  It was adorable and I can't wait to watch it 10 years from now.

I also can't wait to not go camping again.  I'm so good at it.

wednesday fluff of stuff

left knee is killing me lately during my bike rides.

found a new love via Downton Abbey on Netflix.

having a fantastic school week.

spice is sitting at the table for the two hours of school.  part of last week and all of this week so far.

sugar is learning about King Tut, syllables, pronouns, and addition repetition.

i completed all six items on my to do list monday.  the only time i sat down was when i got on my bike to ride to the gym.

i worked out for three hours straight on monday.

i took a 40 minute nap yesterday.  i never do that.  ever ever.  it felt great.  today i took a 20 minute nap.  what is up?

josh's alarm was set for 3 a.m.

spice wore two different colored flip flops to the grocery store yesterday.  she has a purple pair and a pink pair.  she wanted to wear the purple pair but could only find one.  so instead of just wearing the pink pair she chose one of the pink flips and the single purple.  i love her lack of sense of style.

someone i follow on Twitter posted this yesterday, "what we want isn't always what's best for us."  how true is THAT?

true in my life.

my baby sister will be 26 on saturday.  how did she get to be that old?  i loved 26.  life was simpler.  amazing how a few years can change so much.

but don't take me back to 23.  *shudder*  you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that.  or age 9.  or age 13.

i put my debit card and checkbook on the counter over a week ago to keep me from spending money.  i've had a little cash in my wallet and have used that for a few groceries.

i nearly poked my eye out at dinner last night.  we had dinner at Candee's house and i threw my hand down on a fork and it flew at my face.  i'm really good at making a dork of myself.  so glad she loves me anyway.

sugar asked me today what spring break was and why the neighbors weren't at school.  we aren't doing spring break.  or summer break.

i had a corndog, jojos, a pepsi, fry sauce and a peanut butter snickers for lunch yesterday

my cyclometer on my bike reads 1,100 miles.  Hoping I'll hit 2,000 by the end of summer.

i have a headache today.

i love spring.

yes, it's windy.  yes, it's rainy.  but it's spring.  and spring brings summer.

tuesday thoughts...it is tuesday, right?

it's so windy right now.

it's the first day of Spring and I would love to see the sun and flowers and green grass.

and flip flops on my feet.

i made six meals yesterday but have no clue what we're eating for dinner.

i haven't had starbucks since Friday.

i fought with Josh this morning.

rather, he fought with me.

i asked a question and he answered wrong.

it was a bad school morning.

Josh showed up at lunchtime with Starbucks.  I took the drinks out of his hand and jumped on him and thanked him profusely.

he apologized for being naughty this morning.

i forgave him.

we switched rooms with our girls.  now my bedroom is 500 sq ft (you read that right) with a couch.  i most likely will never leave this room again.

i went out with Josh, my sister, Chelsea and her husband to a local bar for burgers and a beer.

or maybe that should read beers and a burger.  since i had more than one beer but not more than one burger.

though i considered it.  i was hungry.

on our way to pick up my sister i realized my dress was too low cut.  so i stripped it off and ripped out the seams and sewed 'er back up.  it was still kinda low but definitely better.

it'd been eight years since i'd been to a bar on St. Patrick's Day.  i have poor memories from that day eight years ago.  amazing that i have any memory of it, really.  but i do.

and it included jello shots (did you know there's liquor in those?  i didn't) it also included being thrown in a pool of green jello (the bar had a girls in bikinis jello wrestling competition that my friends had told me i should participate in.  they'd told me a couple weeks ahead of time to sign up.  i refused.)

but was thrown into the pool of green jello anyway.

jeans.  t-shirt.  shoes.  and all.

and then i left.  and i ran a red light.  and slammed into a dodge ram.

and wrecked my really cute Mitsubishi Lancer.

waaah.

and that is why i never in a bajillion years thought i'd go out on SPD.

but i'm a different girl than i was 8 yrs ago and i can go into a bar and know that jello shots are called shots for a reason and choose to have a beer or three instead and walk out of said bar sober.

it was a fabulous SPD with friends and I was home by 11.

last week, so randomly, i was remembering the look on my dad's face every time he saw me walk into his shop/house.  joy.  pure joy.  every single time.  and i just lost it.  i started the ugly cry.  and typing this out, i'm about to again.  to have someone be so excited to see you, every time they see you - feels amazing.  and it's been almost 13 years since i've felt that.  ugh.

since running the 5K a week and a half ago i have more range of motion in my ankle than i've had since hurting it in October.  it also pops now and hasn't done that since i hurt it.  i think those three miles were good for me.

speaking of running.  my sister and Josh and I are doing Bloomsday this year.  7.5 miles.  i'll probably end up walking it.  how can i run that far!?

for the last two Sundays we've gone to our old church.  mostly because it's 10 minutes away instead of 40 (and saves gas) but partly because our girls are involved in programs there, i go to bible study there, have friends there, etc.  We've gone to our church in Yakima for 6.5 yrs and while we absolutely love the teaching, we've never felt connected.  it's hard to go to any small groups or have friends when everything is 40 minutes away.

i'm not sure what we're doing at this point.  josh really doesn't wanna leave Calvary Chapel (where we attend now) but we really wanna be more plugged in and going to a church that's 10 minutes away, makes that much easier.  we'll see how it goes..

i had a dream last night that i took our dog to the vet and they told me that in order to keep him alive my bill would be 10 grand.  i bawled (apparently subconsciously i like the dude) and told them i couldn't afford to keep him alive and everyone in the waiting room judged me and said that if i truly loved my dog i'd open up a credit card and charge the 10 grand.

i've never been more excited for my alarm to go off than right then.

the most i've ever paid for a vet bill was $800.  ack.

we went for a bike ride on Sunday, using the new seat we bought for Spice to ride in.  it was awkward to have her on there.  i nearly fell several times.  but all in all, it was a rockin' purchase and i know we're going to use the heck out of it.

baby, you can sleep while i drive..err, ride.

sometimes i believe texting is the worst form of communication.

i'm addicted to the app Draw Something.

the end.

5K Round 2

Remember last year about this time I was an idiot and decided to run my first 5K in over 14 years?

So that was me last year before my 5K.  I ran a 31:20.

A few days before this year's race I decided heck, why not?  I haven't run on my still-hurts-cramps-but-working-ankle since October but hey, let's try it out.  Let's try running three miles and see if thee ol' ankle will hold up.

I signed up.  And Josh said he'd run too.

Here we is:

Lucky Number 69 

I ran a 28:55 this year.  Beating last year's time by 2 and a half minutes.  Good but not what I'd had in mind.  Josh says my goal was a little extreme for not having run in six months but whatev.

It was fun to go out and do it again.  I wasn't nervous this time at all.  And it was cool to run with Josh.  Even though the punk coulda run another 5 miles without thinking anything of it.

He says when we're done, "I was watching this other couple run together and they looked like they were having fun.  I don't think you were having fun."

I wasn't.  I realized something while I was running.  I don't really like it.  Go figure.  I would have rather been on my bike for sure.  But I needed to prove to myself that since March of last year my body was in better condition and could move faster.

I proved it to myself.

And now I never have to run again.

Amen.

Wednesday Random Leap Year Edition

I'm cold.

I quit biting my fingernails again.  I think it's been over a month.  They look nice.  I painted them pink today.  I don't like pink on my fingernails but I do on my toes.

I woke up with snow in my yard this morning.  I swore under my breath.

Tonight I get to see a woman I haven't seen in nearly 20 years.  My friend Rachel from third grade (well, not just 3rd grade but that's when we met) it's her mother.  I've talked to her on the phone a couple of times over the past few days and it's so fun to hear her voice.

Spice has been so involved with school lately that I've decided to purchase the phonics curriculum for her that I used for Sugar last year.  For the longest time she could spell her name aloud.  But last week, out of nowhere, she wrote her name on a piece of paper.  I don't know if this is a big deal for a 3.5 yr old, maybe all or most 3.5 yr olds do this, but my first 3.5 yr old (Sugar) didn't even want to touch a pencil at that age.  Heck, she's 6.5 and doesn't wanna touch a pencil.  So I'm pretty stoked over it and while she's loving it, I'm going to encourage it like crazy.

We had a pretty crazy windstorm in our area last week and because of it some people had trees fall over.  Josh and I were presented with the opportunity to take care of one such tree.  When I was a kid (3rd grade, with best friend Rachel, mentioned above) I spent time at Rachel's grandma's house.  I remember loving that place.  Her grandma's tree uprooted itself last week, and after over 20 years, I find myself back at that house.  The tree is about 50 years old, so she's rather large.  My girls have enjoyed playing in the large yard, while Josh and I have enjoyed working side by side cutting up the tree.

Rick Santorum will be in Tri-Cities tomorrow and I'm thinking of going to hear/see him.  Ron Paul was here a coupla Fridays ago but I had company that day and didn't get up to hear him speak.

I just looked down and realized I have melted chocolate on my jeans.  How any chocolate missed my mouth is beyond me.

Speaking of chocolate, I told Josh the other day that I was giving up candy bars until I'd lost 10 lbs*.  Yeah, I lasted two days.

*I don't need or necessarily want to lose 10 lbs but heck, if that could happen, rock on.


This Saturday is a day that I'm sure will provide much blog material for next week.

Our tax return is going to pay off my medical bills instead of buying the cow we'd originally planned on.  People who were freaking out over us having farm animals can now breathe a sigh of relief.

I'd much rather have a cow than pay off medical bills but I'm going to be a grown up for once and be responsible.

But I'll be wishing I were buying a cow instead.  With chickens.

And a pig or 7.

The Beth Moore bible study that I've been going to is almost over.  Last week's lesson was about talking bad about our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Wow.  Wow.  


I love a good cuppa french press.

I also love my new tattoo.  She makes my heart happy.

So you know how we have a crew of peeps we cycle with and how they're currently mountain biking and not road biking?  Well, they are.  And I hate it.  I don't like mountain biking.  Maybe I would had the first ride out not ended up with my leg looking like this:

Well anyway, yesterday Doc showed up at my house yesterday and before he leaves he grabs his iPhone and says, "what's the weather supposed to be like on Saturday?"  So we both look at our phones and realize it's not going to be too shabby.  He asks if I want to road bike on Saturday.  Heck yes I do!  I told him I wasn't sure though, that I needed to talk to Josh.  Told him I'd text him later about it.  So I did.  And his reply, "okay, for you, at the office at 8."  YAY!  My heart is happy!

So before the fun of my Saturday (it's time with Amber) I'll get to road bike.

Here's hoping I don't get hit by any cars.

So there was this one time I got hit by a car

True story.

And since I am alive and well to tell about it, I will.

And we can laugh at me.

And my stupidity.

On Saturday night I got this brilliant idea to ride my bike to church.

Our church is approximately 35 miles from our house.  I figured I could make it in 3 hours.

What I didn't figure in is that at the time I wanted to leave (6 am) it's still dark.  I have no reflective gear or flashy lights or anything like that so I waited a little longer for the sun to come up.  I left the house about 6:30 and made my way to church on the highway.

At what I figured was my half-way mark I stopped my bike, checked my phone for the time and called Josh to let him know where I was.  I also took a drink of water.  Because I have to stop my bike to take a drink.  Hey, I dye my hair blonde and apparently me drinking water whilst riding my bike is a bit like a blonde trying to chew gum and walk at the same time.

I just can't do it.

It was 8 when I called Josh.  I knew I wouldn't make it to church on time.  We had to be there at 9 to work in the nursery.  I was mad.  Had I been able to leave at 6 I would have been on time.

So I'm pedaling.  And pedaling some more.

There's a small stretch where I had to get on the freeway (talk about intimidating) and cross a bridge that has very little shoulder.  Josh had told me I'd have bust my butt across that bridge.  I'm getting close to the bridge when Josh and the girls drove by me.

"Oh, please God, let him pull over."  I was tired.  And still had probably 6 miles or so to go.  I took the off ramp, went over another bridge and there he was, waiting at the bottom of the hill for me.

Hallelujah.

All that to get to the night I was hit by a car...

So the next day, Monday, I decided to ride to the gym.  Josh got home early and I knew I could make it to the gym before dark.

What I didn't count on is that my legs would be DEAD from my 31 mile ride the day before.

When I bike to the gym I'm usually cruising around 15 mph.  I was seeing 12 mph.  It was miserable.  My legs just weren't moving like they usually do.

I get into town and there's a stretch when I first enter Prosser that I can cruise at about 22-24 mph for a bit, it's a little downhill and I've usually gotten my second wind.  Yeah, this night?  Not so much.  I was lucky to hit 14-15 mph.  So, I'm behind schedule, and it's dark.

I look to my right to see if there's a car on the highway I'm about to cross.  I see a Suburban and realize if it pulls up to the stop sign far enough, I can glide behind it just fine and not have to stop.

I'm running late!

So the Suburban is in my mind.  I look ahead of me and see more cars, all of which I think are heading straight, and not realizing that one is actually in the left turn lane.  Suburban pulls up far enough that I can ride behind her, I'm about to cross when I realize that a small car is in the left turn and will be turning into me before I get across.

Slow motion.

Thankfully she wasn't driving very fast.  Thankfully there was no one coming from the other direction.

I knew she was going to hit me.  There was no way for me to move any faster.  And had I stopped she would have hit me much harder.

I yelled to God.  Out loud.  I can't remember exactly what I said but I'm pretty sure the word, "help!" was in there somewhere.

She came to a stop.  Against my bike.  She didn't even hit me hard enough to knock me over.  It jarred my bike and pushed me but I was able to stay on.  I clipped out of my pedals, stopped my bike and she stopped her car.  She opened the door and at the same time we asked if the other was okay.

We both were.

And we carried on.

I called Josh right away and said something like this, "Honey, I'm fine, I was just hit by a car but I'm fine."

Him:  silence.

Me:  I'm okay, just wanted to let you know.  Can you pick me up after the gym?

Him:  Um, no.  Let me come get you now.

We argued about that.  I wasn't going to let a little bump keep me from the gym.  I got there 10 minutes late for class and could not concentrate.  I finally ended up sending him a text during meditation to come get me.

My bike has a scratch.

I do not.

I'm a lucky chick.

It coulda been a whole lot worse, especially because I foolishly went without a helmet that night.

I won't be stupid like that again.

So yeah, there was this one time I got hit by a car.  Good conversation starter.  Or blog material.

The things I do for your entertainment.

Victorious or Beaten - I'll take both

I remember at the end of February last year posting about feeling like I was in a fog.

And even though I was exercising and losing weight and feeling amazing - that fog was there.

I wasn't myself.

Well, I take that back.  I was me.  Just a less happy version of me.

I'm amazed at how amazing and awful I felt at the same time.

I was out of shape and overweight and that was visible.  Anyone could see it.  My efforts to take over that area of my life and make it new were visible.  I shared those efforts here, with you.  On Facebook.  On Twitter.  In person.

I'm not going to make light of my weight loss journey.  That was a huge battle.

For me, though.  It's the internal battles that are most difficult.  Those are the ones I don't talk as much about.

And there has been battle after battle waging.

And I've lost.

I've lost.

The end of summer was rough.  I was my strongest physically, yet my weakest emotionally.  I started taking an anti-depressant at the recommendation of my counselor.

I knew what was causing my depression.  And it wasn't something meds could fix.

I took them for a month and then quit.  (not recommended by my counselor or doctor)  This may not have been my wisest decision seeing how I got pretty down and out once I hurt my ankle and couldn't bike or gym.  But I've been fine without them.

Things have changed since I hurt my ankle.  Not just physically but emotionally.  Good stuff.  Hard stuff.  Heart stuff.

Since October I've had my good and bad days.  Many, many bad days.  Pity parties.  Anger.  Depression.  Anxiety.  (for me those two go hand in hand) The list could go on and on.  But in the last few weeks, I guess at the beginning of the year when I decided to no longer live wired for regret, I've felt happier.  Content. In love with life again.  With my life.  It's been slow but steady.  And lately I've found myself with happier days than depressed days.  It feels good.  I feel good.

Yesterday I got on my road bike for my first serious ride since October 1.  I rode 16.5 miles to the gym.  Did an hour of yoga and rode 16.5 miles home with a head wind.  I felt strong.  Physically.  And emotionally.

I've said 2011 was awesome for me, and it was.  But 2011 was rough for me, too.  I can't re-do it.  I wouldn't want to, though.  Every trial I'm faced with, whether I come out victorious or beaten down, I learn something.

And I'm learning God's grace is amazing.

So freaking amazing.

You say Potato, I say Potahto. You say foolish, I say I needed it.

I had my hernia surgery 12 days ago.

Yesterday, at day 11, I went for a bike ride.

And I did the really foolish thing and posted it to Facebook.  I think my posting that to Facebook was more foolish than the ride itself.

Yeesh.

Sunday night, Christmas, I was in so much pain.  From laughter.  I was laughing harder than I've laughed in a long time.  Long time.  I never realized how much of your stomach you use to laugh til that night.  I was crying from laughter but also from the pain it was causing.  My BIL was killing me.  At least it felt that way.  The laughter felt great but my insides...oh my insides.

The next day Megan and I were to do the crazy shop after Christmas deal.  The way I was feeling Sunday when they left I wasn't sure I was going to be up for it.  But, I took a coupla Tylenol PMs and got a good 5 hours of sleep.  (stupid Hunger Games book kept me reading til early morning) And I felt amazing.  We shopped all day, walking all over the place and I couldn't believe how I felt.  Almost like new.  I told Josh I wanted to go for a bike ride the next day on his lunch break.  He checked my bike over, aired my tires.

Tuesday I woke up and felt awesome again.  He called me around 11 asking if I was still in the mood for my ride.  It was warm outside, and even though I'd been doing some housework, my tummy and back felt fine.

I told him I was going to go for the ride.

In my head I had planned about a 15 mile ride.  I figured that'd be about as far as I could go in the amount of time I had.  Normally 15 miles wouldn't take me an hour but it's been a month since I've ridden and I was 11 days post-surgery.  I thought it was a good plan.

I always start out too fast.  Always.

Yesterday was no different.  I was cruising my road at 18 mph, feeling great.  And then I hit a wall just a couple miles in.  I turned back much sooner than I planned.  I could tell my body wasn't too thrilled with me.  While I felt great in my legs, arms and chest, my stomach was hurting.

At 5.5 miles and just one mile from home I very nearly called Josh to come get me.  But I knew I had another mile left in me.  I was in a lot of pain when I walked in the door.  Josh had to take my shoes off me because I couldn't bend over to do it.  He helped me out of my jersey and got me a glass of water with some Ibuprofen.

I rested for a couple of hours and then resumed my daily household activities of dinner, dishes, family.

While a bike ride 11 days post-surgery may seem foolish, it was what I needed.  I needed that fresh air.  I needed to prove to myself that I'm still strong enough to get on my bike, that I'm not going to let these random, freakish, ridiculous ailments get me down.  Not only physically but emotionally.

I'm tired of sitting.  Tired of being waited on.  That's not how I roll.

I wondered how I'd feel today, if I'd be regretting what I did.  I don't.  Not even a little.  I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, renewed.  I won't get on my bike today.

But soon.  Very, very soon.

Splurge

December 13th:  Splurge
Did you splurge on something this year?  Did the troubled economy prompt you to hold back or did you just give it all for something?
In May I bought a pair of running shoes.  I felt like the hundred dollars I spent was splurging but it was the best thing I did for my shins.  Then, in August I bought my bike and that was spending a whole lot more.  Buying that bike gave me something I didn't know I had in me.

Passion.

I have things I enjoy.  I enjoy reading or writing.  I enjoy eating and cooking.  I enjoy running or yoga.

But cycling?

I don't have the vocabulary to adequately say how I feel when I'm on my bike.  Had I read a post like this a  year ago I would have thought the writer to be an idiot.  Who would be so crazy about bike riding that they'd call it a passion?!

But now I'm that crazy person.

There's a freedom on my bike like I've not experienced before it.  When I'm on my bike (I've named her Tennessee btw) it's like that feeling you got when you first rode on two wheels at age 5 or 6.  That first sense of freedom is how I feel every time I clip into my pedals.

So yeah, I've splurged well over a thousand dollars on sporting goods this year but I wouldn't return either item.  And usually when I fork out a chunk of change I immediately have buyer's remorse.  Not this time (even though I see my bike is on sale now).

Then a couple of weeks ago we bought new flooring and new kitchen cabinets.  Huge expense.  But one that will increase the value of our house and will also just make our house better all around.

I keep checking the status of those freaking cupboards, I'm so excited!  It's going to be a huge job when they get here (they aren't finished) but it will so be worth it in the end.