on doing hard things.

{this post has been "in draft" for three weeks because i'm a wuss. in this post i talk about the hardship of my running. and the hardship that was my marriage. i worried that it would sound as if i think those two things are equally challenging. i don't. they are each challenging, yes. in their own way. i don't know, i'm hoping that those who read this post know me well enough to understand what i'm trying to convey with these messy words of mine.}

After church yesterday (Feb. 2) we headed to Richland so I could run.  I had run eight miles last Saturday and then again on Wednesday, I wanted to run nine miles yesterday.

I changed into my running gear and realized I forgot my socks when packing my clothes and shoes. Oh, well. I would just run without socks. It couldn't be that big of a deal, right?

Wrong. Oh so wrong.

I'm running. Running on this beautiful winter day. It's cold. Sunshine. But snowflakes, too. The Columbia River to my right.  My Nike app tells me one mile is completed. Nine minutes, 51 seconds.  Sweet. My pace is quick (for me) and I feel good. Great, even.  Getting closer to the two mile mark and I realize my feet are beginning to hurt.  I can feel my shoes rubbing on my feet. At first it was just annoying, but after about Mile Five I was in so much pain I nearly stopped, took off my shoes and walked.  I hurt so bad.  But I started thinking about my goal.  Nine miles. I couldn't get there by quitting.  

It made me think about my life, and how so often when something has made me uncomfortable, I have quit.  Or attempted to quit.  The time I was thinking about most yesterday was when, about 10 years ago, life got so uncomfortable, marriage got so uncomfortable, I decided to quit.  

I was done being married.

I'm at Mile Six.  I can tell something bad is happening inside my shoes.  "Three more miles, baby. We can do this." I was talking myself into it.  Encouraging myself to not give up.

But it hurt.

Just like life and marriage were hurting ten years ago.

But 10 years ago I wasn't strong enough to believe in ME enough to encourage myself to push through the hardship that was my life and my decisions.  I wasn't strong enough to believe I could and would make it out of the pit I'd dug for myself.

I didn't think I could, so I didn't.

So we filed for divorce. Because I decided it was too hard and Sarah doesn't do hard things.  Sarah quits.

Mile Seven. Nike tells me my average pace is nine minutes, 37 seconds. How is this possible? How am I crushing my regular average when I hurt so terribly?  I was hurting but I was happy. I was doing a hard thing.  I was pushing back.  I wasn't quitting.

My marriage could be much easier than I've made it.  My husband is a rock star.  He's hardworking, fun-loving, loyal, there when you need him at the drop of a hat, he's silly, would give the shirt off his back for a stranger in need, he's hilarious and the most amazing daddy.  And to top it off, he's freaking hot.

My marriage woes have always been mine alone.  I make my life harder than it needs to be.  I always have.  But Josh never gave up on me even though I gave up on me.

And with my running. "I never thought you'd be a runner. Ever. I knew you could, I just didn't think you would."  He knew I could. I didn't, but Josh did.  That man always thinks the best for me.

He always thinks the best of me.

Mile Nine. Goal complete. Average time 9:37 per mile. My new numbers crushed previous numbers!  I was tired and I was in pain but I didn't quit.  I was scared to take off my shoes.

Blood. Blisters. Missing skin. My pinky toe on my right foot is doubled in size for the blister atop it.  There's some oozing.  There's a lot of wincing.

But I didn't quit running until I reached my goal.  And that felt so freaking amazing.  I did a hard thing.  And I did it well.

We didn't quit marriage ten years ago.  I tried.  But we've kept on.  And I've still made a mess but I'm healthier now than I was 10 years ago. I'm healthier now than I was two years ago.  

I don't know what really prompted this running.  I hadn't been to the gym in so long and knew that running a couple of miles would be good for me.  I never thought those two miles would turn into me running a few times a week and having big goals.  But that's what's happened.  It's been an amazing few weeks to see what I'm capable of doing.  What my body is capable of doing. And I'm looking forward to the next hard thing.

{for 12 days after that run on Feb. 2nd i could not run. i could hardly put my shoes on. those blisters i had were unlike anything i've ever experienced. but they healed. and they healed in time for me to run this last Saturday (Feb. 22nd) in a Half Marathon.}

That's its own post.