There are some of you out there who just read blogs to read them. To enjoy the thoughts, pictures, etc. of others. But you don't find yourself in any way attached to the people whose lives you read about day after day, year after year. You're just here to read and there's nothing wrong with that.
However, I'm not one of those people.
I read the words, hearts and lives of several women and I become attached. Their heart is my heart.
My husband knows many of you by name, can recognize you by your picture and knows what you did last weekend. I talk about you as if we are all just regular ol' pals.
I've had the blessing of meeting a few of you. Hearing your sweet voices, hugging you, camping with you, shopping with you, eating sushi with you (blech) but there are many of you that I've just not met face to face yet.
This hasn't stopped me from loving you, praying for you, laughing with you, rejoicing with you and crying with you. You are my sisters in Christ and I'm honored to know you, even if it's only through the internet.
For about two years now I've been reading Amy Beth's blog. To read her blog is to fall in love her, it just is. We couldn't lead lives any more different but her posts-her heart...they draw me in. She's funny and she's sweet. One day a post can be about how high her hair is and the next she can be talking about her relationship with Jesus. She'll write about her puppies, former boyfriends, her singleness, what it's like to have Mono, the Wii, her cooking (in)abilities, her college girls...
and then the next minute she's talking about a disease that's threatening to take away her chance at having children of her own one day.
Ovarian Disease.
Through Twitter today I found the blog of a girl who knows Amy Beth personally. Today's post is dedicated to Amy Beth. Today, Jenn Leigh asks if we'll commit one hour of our day tomorrow to pray for our sweet friend.
So, I'm committing to do just that.
Will you please join me?
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
All or nothing is so old school. I'm workin' on the middle ground.
All or nothing.
Black or white.
100% or zero.
There's no middle ground.
No grey.
When I put my mind to something I go full force and if/when I realize it's not going to be the outcome I'm wanting, I throw it away. Put it in a closet, never to be seen again. Never tell anyone about it.
My house is an example of my all or nothing mentality:
I'll go for a few weeks cleaning, cleaning, cleaning like a mad woman, ignoring the fact that I have children or a husband and I'll have a really nice clean house.
Of course no one stops by unannounced during that time.
Then I'll have a couple of weeks where I'm completely feeling guilty about how much time I spent cleaning and not paying attention to the blessings I call children or the stud I call husband. So, I'll then let the house fall apart around me, the laundry pile up, the menu plan gets thrown to the wind and I don't take showers.
This, of course, is when people I haven't seen in ages show up.
It's just how my life is.
Or, was.
Going to counseling has been one of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life. It hasn't been easy. But it's been good. Some of the issues I've had to face about myself have not been pretty. I thought what I looked like on the outside was bad...man, oh, man the inside is even worse.
One of the hardest issues I've had to deal with and work through has been expectations.
Mostly of myself.
I have extremely high, ridiculous, out of this world expectations of myself.
The thing of it is, I didn't realize they were too high until I started listing them out and realizing that for the most part, people just don't accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish.
And, even if they do, do I really want to look like them?
My counselor asked me to think of someone in my life that I know, who I feel "has it all together." I very quickly had the person in mind.
"Is she approachable to you?"
Heck, no.
"Do you want people to feel that way about you? Do you want to be unapproachable?"
Heck, no.
Does my house always have to be perfectly clean? Does the bathroom need cleaned two or three times a week? Do I need to mop every week? Does the laundry hamper have to be completely empty at all freaking times?
Heck, no.
But, you see, that's how I view it. That's how I thought it was supposed to be. That's how I thought I was supposed to work it. I thought that's what you do. And so I'd try and try and try and I'd "succeed" for a couple of weeks and then I'd realize I was exhausted and couldn't remember taking care of my children's needs for the last who knows how long and I'd had enough.
So, then I'd say, "screw it!"
And the walls came tumbling down.
Because if it wasn't 100% it was NOTHING.
Then, in a few minutes time, my counselor helped me to see that I don't have to do things like that. There needs to be middle ground.
I need to pick one day to clean. And two days to do laundry. And then don't do anything in between those days. Yes, I'm to keep up on dishes and picking up toys but no scrubbing toilets or vacuuming or laundry on days that they aren't specified.
I feel like a brand new person. I feel free. And this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life.
I did laundry on Monday. I washed, I dried, I FAPA'd (folded and put away) five loads of laundry. When evening came, I left the rest. I knew we all had undies, socks and jeans for the week, there wasn't any reason to finish up the rest. Thursday would be here soon enough.
Tuesday and Wednesday I just enjoyed my house and the people who live here with me. I had a very impromptu birthday party for my sweet youngest sister and while they were on their way to my house I did not scramble to make everything look perfect. I just left it be. I let it look like I have two kids. I let it look like we live here.
Thursday is the day I've chosen to clean my house and do laundry again.
So, I swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom.
Dusted
Cleaned the tub, toilet and sink.
Changed all our sheets and washed everything that was left in the basket.
Cleared out the clutter on my counter tops (bills, toys, etc)
I think there was more but I can't remember. I didn't get the fridge cleaned out but I'll get to it this Thursday.
I want to be approachable. I want to live my days. I want to enjoy my days. I want people to want to come here because my house isn't perfect; it's clean and maybe a wee bit cluttery but it's lived in.
And most importantly, loved in.
I don't want to be all or nothing. I want some middle ground. I want to be approachable. I want my house to be a joy -a haven- for all who live here, love here, visit here.
How about you? Are you approachable?
Black or white.
100% or zero.
There's no middle ground.
No grey.
When I put my mind to something I go full force and if/when I realize it's not going to be the outcome I'm wanting, I throw it away. Put it in a closet, never to be seen again. Never tell anyone about it.
My house is an example of my all or nothing mentality:
I'll go for a few weeks cleaning, cleaning, cleaning like a mad woman, ignoring the fact that I have children or a husband and I'll have a really nice clean house.
Of course no one stops by unannounced during that time.
Then I'll have a couple of weeks where I'm completely feeling guilty about how much time I spent cleaning and not paying attention to the blessings I call children or the stud I call husband. So, I'll then let the house fall apart around me, the laundry pile up, the menu plan gets thrown to the wind and I don't take showers.
This, of course, is when people I haven't seen in ages show up.
It's just how my life is.
Or, was.
Going to counseling has been one of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life. It hasn't been easy. But it's been good. Some of the issues I've had to face about myself have not been pretty. I thought what I looked like on the outside was bad...man, oh, man the inside is even worse.
One of the hardest issues I've had to deal with and work through has been expectations.
Mostly of myself.
I have extremely high, ridiculous, out of this world expectations of myself.
The thing of it is, I didn't realize they were too high until I started listing them out and realizing that for the most part, people just don't accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish.
And, even if they do, do I really want to look like them?
My counselor asked me to think of someone in my life that I know, who I feel "has it all together." I very quickly had the person in mind.
"Is she approachable to you?"
Heck, no.
"Do you want people to feel that way about you? Do you want to be unapproachable?"
Heck, no.
Does my house always have to be perfectly clean? Does the bathroom need cleaned two or three times a week? Do I need to mop every week? Does the laundry hamper have to be completely empty at all freaking times?
Heck, no.
But, you see, that's how I view it. That's how I thought it was supposed to be. That's how I thought I was supposed to work it. I thought that's what you do. And so I'd try and try and try and I'd "succeed" for a couple of weeks and then I'd realize I was exhausted and couldn't remember taking care of my children's needs for the last who knows how long and I'd had enough.
So, then I'd say, "screw it!"
And the walls came tumbling down.
Because if it wasn't 100% it was NOTHING.
Then, in a few minutes time, my counselor helped me to see that I don't have to do things like that. There needs to be middle ground.
I need to pick one day to clean. And two days to do laundry. And then don't do anything in between those days. Yes, I'm to keep up on dishes and picking up toys but no scrubbing toilets or vacuuming or laundry on days that they aren't specified.
I feel like a brand new person. I feel free. And this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life.
I did laundry on Monday. I washed, I dried, I FAPA'd (folded and put away) five loads of laundry. When evening came, I left the rest. I knew we all had undies, socks and jeans for the week, there wasn't any reason to finish up the rest. Thursday would be here soon enough.
Tuesday and Wednesday I just enjoyed my house and the people who live here with me. I had a very impromptu birthday party for my sweet youngest sister and while they were on their way to my house I did not scramble to make everything look perfect. I just left it be. I let it look like I have two kids. I let it look like we live here.
Thursday is the day I've chosen to clean my house and do laundry again.
So, I swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom.
Dusted
Cleaned the tub, toilet and sink.
Changed all our sheets and washed everything that was left in the basket.
Cleared out the clutter on my counter tops (bills, toys, etc)
I think there was more but I can't remember. I didn't get the fridge cleaned out but I'll get to it this Thursday.
I want to be approachable. I want to live my days. I want to enjoy my days. I want people to want to come here because my house isn't perfect; it's clean and maybe a wee bit cluttery but it's lived in.
And most importantly, loved in.
I don't want to be all or nothing. I want some middle ground. I want to be approachable. I want my house to be a joy -a haven- for all who live here, love here, visit here.
How about you? Are you approachable?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I skipped class a couple of times in high school, once for french fries. Skipping a giveaway in April but not for french fries.
Could the title to this post get any longer?!
It's the tenth of April.
In case you were wondering. It's been days upon days since I've blogged.
I've been living.
Not blogging.
And I'm rather enjoying myself.
Seeing how I've yet to send sweet Laura last month's bloggy birthday giveaway prize, I don't think I will be having a giveaway for April.
Sorry, friends!
I'll be more on top of things next month.
No, really, I will be.
(and those of you who know me are like, "yeah, freakin' right, Sarah!")
To that I say...
Yeah, you're probably right. But I'll try!
It's the tenth of April.
In case you were wondering. It's been days upon days since I've blogged.
I've been living.
Not blogging.
And I'm rather enjoying myself.
Seeing how I've yet to send sweet Laura last month's bloggy birthday giveaway prize, I don't think I will be having a giveaway for April.
Sorry, friends!
I'll be more on top of things next month.
No, really, I will be.
(and those of you who know me are like, "yeah, freakin' right, Sarah!")
To that I say...
Yeah, you're probably right. But I'll try!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Placing an Order for Larger Windows...Pronto
Do you all love text messaging as much as I do?
I really really really love to send and receive text messages. Makes my heart flutter! A trillion million things go through my mind when I hear the indicator that I've received a new text. Who will it be from? What's it gonna say? Will there be a picture? Is it going to be appropriate? You know, stuff like that.
One of the beauties of text messaging is that you can carry on with whatever you're doing and the person you're texting with has no idea but it's okay, you're still textversing (that's the completely made up version of texting and conversing)(in case you weren't already aware).
You can be doing dishes, combing a child's hair, changing diapers, going to the bathroom (oh, don't tell me you haven't!) reading a book or...
climbing through a bathroom window and the person on the other end is none the wiser.
Such was the case a couple of months ago when Amy Beth and I were having a textervation (text conversation...following me yet?) It was late. It was dark. It was cold.
And Spice locked me out of the house.
Locked.
Me.
Out.
The kid's not even two and she's already figured out how to dead-bolt the place. This could be a good thing, it could. But it wasn't this dark and stormy night.
So, Amy Beth and I are having our textervation. She has no clue I just yelled outside. I just continue texting back. She's no idea I'm frantically checking windows, praying to GOD that one of them will be unlocked. Nope, we just keep on-uh textin'.
Amy Beth can't tell I'm out of breath.
She doesn't know that I keep going back to the front door begging Spice to "pretty please with no gluten/dairy/eggs or peanuts on top OPEN THE FRIGGIN' door already!"
Nope.
To her, I'm calm. Cool. Collected. *snort*
Unlike the other time we had a textervation going on. She knew all about what was going on, whether she wanted to or not.
There came a point the night I was locked out that I had to set down my blessed iPhone. (God bless the iPhone) This moment came when I found, praise be to Jesus, that the bathroom window was unlocked! Of course the bathroom window is small, and ahem, I am not.
It was time to put the phone down for a minute and figure out how I was going to hoist myself into the window.
I stood on our air conditioning unit, opened the window and saw Clifford (our new cat) running up and down the hallway like a moron. Spice came into the bathroom, yelling, "HI!" like a moron...
Sadly, the air conditioner was not tall enough for me to get to the window. Blast!
I jumped off the ac unit, replied to the most recent text from Amy Beth, set the phone back down and got to thinking about what I could stand on that would boost me high enough to get to the window.
cue lightbulb moment...
Our garbage can.
I wheel the green thing on over. I step up on the ac unit, I then step up onto the garbage can, say a praise that it's dark and neighbors and passersby cannot see what I'm about to do and head right foot first into the window.
Nope.
Not gonna happen.
So, I started the Hokey-Pokey. Put my right leg in, took my right leg out, put my right arm in...
Ummm....anyway....
I ended up having to go head first.
Clifford's still running back and forth through the hall. Spice is still standing there, staring at me like I'm the moron and I'm cursing the fact that I'm as wide as I am tall and thinking, "why the hay aren't windows made 5'2" x 5'2"?"
I mean, COME ON! It'd make breaking into my house so much less embarrassing and a little more comfortable on my body and my pride.
I made it in. No thanks to Spice or Clifford. I then unlocked the house, retrieved my cell phone from the hood of my van and resumed my textervation with Amy Beth. With her none the wiser of my little mishap. You know, til later when I told her and she's like, "you're blogging that, right?"
Yep, just a couple months later. When my pride has recovered a bit.
I really really really love to send and receive text messages. Makes my heart flutter! A trillion million things go through my mind when I hear the indicator that I've received a new text. Who will it be from? What's it gonna say? Will there be a picture? Is it going to be appropriate? You know, stuff like that.
One of the beauties of text messaging is that you can carry on with whatever you're doing and the person you're texting with has no idea but it's okay, you're still textversing (that's the completely made up version of texting and conversing)(in case you weren't already aware).
You can be doing dishes, combing a child's hair, changing diapers, going to the bathroom (oh, don't tell me you haven't!) reading a book or...
climbing through a bathroom window and the person on the other end is none the wiser.
Such was the case a couple of months ago when Amy Beth and I were having a textervation (text conversation...following me yet?) It was late. It was dark. It was cold.
And Spice locked me out of the house.
Locked.
Me.
Out.
The kid's not even two and she's already figured out how to dead-bolt the place. This could be a good thing, it could. But it wasn't this dark and stormy night.
So, Amy Beth and I are having our textervation. She has no clue I just yelled outside. I just continue texting back. She's no idea I'm frantically checking windows, praying to GOD that one of them will be unlocked. Nope, we just keep on-uh textin'.
Amy Beth can't tell I'm out of breath.
She doesn't know that I keep going back to the front door begging Spice to "pretty please with no gluten/dairy/eggs or peanuts on top OPEN THE FRIGGIN' door already!"
Nope.
To her, I'm calm. Cool. Collected. *snort*
Unlike the other time we had a textervation going on. She knew all about what was going on, whether she wanted to or not.
There came a point the night I was locked out that I had to set down my blessed iPhone. (God bless the iPhone) This moment came when I found, praise be to Jesus, that the bathroom window was unlocked! Of course the bathroom window is small, and ahem, I am not.
It was time to put the phone down for a minute and figure out how I was going to hoist myself into the window.
I stood on our air conditioning unit, opened the window and saw Clifford (our new cat) running up and down the hallway like a moron. Spice came into the bathroom, yelling, "HI!" like a moron...
Sadly, the air conditioner was not tall enough for me to get to the window. Blast!
I jumped off the ac unit, replied to the most recent text from Amy Beth, set the phone back down and got to thinking about what I could stand on that would boost me high enough to get to the window.
cue lightbulb moment...
Our garbage can.
I wheel the green thing on over. I step up on the ac unit, I then step up onto the garbage can, say a praise that it's dark and neighbors and passersby cannot see what I'm about to do and head right foot first into the window.
Nope.
Not gonna happen.
So, I started the Hokey-Pokey. Put my right leg in, took my right leg out, put my right arm in...
Ummm....anyway....
I ended up having to go head first.
Clifford's still running back and forth through the hall. Spice is still standing there, staring at me like I'm the moron and I'm cursing the fact that I'm as wide as I am tall and thinking, "why the hay aren't windows made 5'2" x 5'2"?"
I mean, COME ON! It'd make breaking into my house so much less embarrassing and a little more comfortable on my body and my pride.
I made it in. No thanks to Spice or Clifford. I then unlocked the house, retrieved my cell phone from the hood of my van and resumed my textervation with Amy Beth. With her none the wiser of my little mishap. You know, til later when I told her and she's like, "you're blogging that, right?"
Yep, just a couple months later. When my pride has recovered a bit.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Mid-Week Random
Hi.
I'm here.
Really.
Just busy. Busy with our remodel. Busy with Josh's staycation. Busy buying coffee.
So, here's some random:
My dishwasher is leaking. Has been for a few weeks. I've been doing dishes by hand. My hands are currently on strike. They're tired, cracked, sore and red.
(I'm not purchasing gloves, then I'd have to dishes. If my hands go on strike...JOSH has to do dishes.)
My girls have already started the two baths per day that summer brings. I'll gladly bathe them twice a day for the weather we've been having. LOVE IT! They eat dirt, throw dirt, roll in dirt and smell like dirt. Little girls and dirt...LOVE IT!
Our kitty earned his keep today by catching two mice outside. He caught them, corralled them, then handed them over to Shadow who finished them off. Loving my animals today.
You know you're loved when someone is on your doorstep at 10 pm with two bags full of groceries for your special food diet child. TWO BAGS FULL! I didn't cry. I held it together. But it's been nearly a week and I'm still freaking out about it. Thank you, Treena and family...love you guys.
You also know you're loved when your CPA friend is at the busiest time of her year and she asks to meet for lunch during a rare non-working moment. And for a girl whose Love Language is Quality Time...gotta tell ya, I was feeling the love on Sunday. Kristie, thanks for loving me..I love you, too.
Jesus answered a very specific prayer request I had. I'm so stinkin' happy I can hardly stand it.
Yesterday I spent some time with a couple of awesome teenagers. Josh and I were sitting around the table with them, asking them about their goals for the future. Seriously, if I'd had half their ambition! I said, "what if you meet a boy when you're 16 and he proposes when you're 17?" Ohhh if I could have captured the looks on their faces! Priceless. I told them that that's what had happened with us. Then we quickly told them we did not recommend getting married that young. 35-40 is much better. ;)
I'm gaining weight at lightning speed. Don't be jealous.
One of my best friends from high school is coming over on Friday for dinner, drinks and games. I'm so super excited.
My husband is wearing Wranglers and no shirt at the moment. Yum.
Speaking of my Wrangler clad husband, he had to pull a nail from our little neighbor boy's foot yesterday. Josh said it was stuck nearly an inch in his foot. Owie.
Sugar now eats a whole PB sandwich. And will often ask for more. How is it she can eat like she does and weigh 40 lbs and I eat like that and I weigh 140? Sigh...
I have a friend who's pregnant. I love pregnant people. I loved being pregnant. I didn't love the 20 weeks of puking all day everyday but I loved pregnancy.
I miss being pregnant.
Maybe I should tell my husband.
And then he'll have me committed.
Maybe I should ask for a dog instead. I miss having a Beagle. Why would anyone (who's had one) miss a Beagle?!
I'm asking for a dad for my birthday. Seein' how it's my 30th birthday comin' up, I'm asking for big stuff. Like a dad. A Beagle.
And maybe a baby.
Most likely not a baby.
I might be crazy but my husband isn't.
Yet.
I'm here.
Really.
Just busy. Busy with our remodel. Busy with Josh's staycation. Busy buying coffee.
So, here's some random:
My dishwasher is leaking. Has been for a few weeks. I've been doing dishes by hand. My hands are currently on strike. They're tired, cracked, sore and red.
(I'm not purchasing gloves, then I'd have to dishes. If my hands go on strike...JOSH has to do dishes.)
My girls have already started the two baths per day that summer brings. I'll gladly bathe them twice a day for the weather we've been having. LOVE IT! They eat dirt, throw dirt, roll in dirt and smell like dirt. Little girls and dirt...LOVE IT!
Our kitty earned his keep today by catching two mice outside. He caught them, corralled them, then handed them over to Shadow who finished them off. Loving my animals today.
You know you're loved when someone is on your doorstep at 10 pm with two bags full of groceries for your special food diet child. TWO BAGS FULL! I didn't cry. I held it together. But it's been nearly a week and I'm still freaking out about it. Thank you, Treena and family...love you guys.
You also know you're loved when your CPA friend is at the busiest time of her year and she asks to meet for lunch during a rare non-working moment. And for a girl whose Love Language is Quality Time...gotta tell ya, I was feeling the love on Sunday. Kristie, thanks for loving me..I love you, too.
Jesus answered a very specific prayer request I had. I'm so stinkin' happy I can hardly stand it.
Yesterday I spent some time with a couple of awesome teenagers. Josh and I were sitting around the table with them, asking them about their goals for the future. Seriously, if I'd had half their ambition! I said, "what if you meet a boy when you're 16 and he proposes when you're 17?" Ohhh if I could have captured the looks on their faces! Priceless. I told them that that's what had happened with us. Then we quickly told them we did not recommend getting married that young. 35-40 is much better. ;)
I'm gaining weight at lightning speed. Don't be jealous.
One of my best friends from high school is coming over on Friday for dinner, drinks and games. I'm so super excited.
My husband is wearing Wranglers and no shirt at the moment. Yum.
Speaking of my Wrangler clad husband, he had to pull a nail from our little neighbor boy's foot yesterday. Josh said it was stuck nearly an inch in his foot. Owie.
Sugar now eats a whole PB sandwich. And will often ask for more. How is it she can eat like she does and weigh 40 lbs and I eat like that and I weigh 140? Sigh...
I have a friend who's pregnant. I love pregnant people. I loved being pregnant. I didn't love the 20 weeks of puking all day everyday but I loved pregnancy.
I miss being pregnant.
Maybe I should tell my husband.
And then he'll have me committed.
Maybe I should ask for a dog instead. I miss having a Beagle. Why would anyone (who's had one) miss a Beagle?!
I'm asking for a dad for my birthday. Seein' how it's my 30th birthday comin' up, I'm asking for big stuff. Like a dad. A Beagle.
And maybe a baby.
Most likely not a baby.
I might be crazy but my husband isn't.
Yet.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Finding my Joy again
From the time I was in middle school I've absolutely loved taking pictures. Maybe I should back up and say that from the time I was born I've absolutely loved having my picture taken. But then I had kids and I no longer enjoy having my picture taken.
But I do love being behind the camera.
Always have.
My mom bought me my first camera when I was a freshman in high school. I have picture after picture of the most random things (usually involving one of, if not all of these girls: Candee, Melissa and Lindsey) and of specific church events and school events. I love the memories that pictures bring.
About a year ago we purchased a digital Nikon. I now have way more camera than I need. More camera than I care for. Don't get me wrong, I love 'er. But mostly I like to point, shoot and enjoy the picture as is. I don't care about the editing. I don't care about removing the imperfections from the photo or trying to add to the photo to perfect it. Nothing's perfect...not my kids, not my yard, not my husband (though he's close) and most certainly not my photography skills.
Basically I have none.
I like to take pictures of my kids in our real life. Messy house, snotty faces, dirty looks, over-grown yard, cluttered driveway, clothes on the couch waiting to be folded.
I just don't care.
At least I didn't used to.
I noticed recently that I have not taken more than a handful of pictures since Christmas. And even those I haven't printed yet. I started thinking about why I hadn't been taking pictures. It didn't take me long to realize why I quit getting my normally-attached-to-my-neck camera out.
I've started comparing each and every picture I take to the pictures I see everyone else taking.
I started feeling bound with fear each time I turned my camera on.
I started worrying that posting a picture would be laughed at because the lighting was off, the angle wrong, or whatever else could be wrong about my picture.
By comparing myself to others I lost joy in what used to bring me a sense of happiness.
While realizing this, I also realized it doesn't stop with photography. It's been a running theme in nearly every area of my life.
I used to blog almost daily. Once I started this blog, I couldn't stop. I loved it.
Then I started reading other blogs. Seeing how funny, insightful, witty, deep, spiritual, crafty, frugal, perfectly punctuated other women were made me see that this blog of mine as a joke. I lost sight of my reason for starting it in the first place - so my girls could read about our lives through my eyes and my heart, so they'd know how much I love them and their daddy no matter how crazy I am and so they could hopefully learn from my mistakes and do better by their husbands and children.
I lost my joy in blogging when I started comparing my lil ol' blog with everyone elses.
I've told you many times that my dream in life was to be a wife and mama. If I'm living my dream, then where's the joy in it I once had? It's lost in my comparison of myself as a wife and mother with other women around me that I see doing it "better" or who are "successful" in their roles as wife and mom. I wasn't created to be those other women. I wasn't created to mother the way other women mother or be the wife that other women are. Yet I've been comparing myself to them for years now.
Because of it, I've lost the joy that comes with the blessing of being a wife and mom.
But I'm done.
I'm done with comparing me to them.
In every way - those I've listed and those I haven't.
I just want to be me. The wife and mama that I am. The photographer that I am - and of course I use that term loosely. The simple, no frills, useless blogger that I am.
Just me.
Finding joy again.
But I do love being behind the camera.
Always have.
My mom bought me my first camera when I was a freshman in high school. I have picture after picture of the most random things (usually involving one of, if not all of these girls: Candee, Melissa and Lindsey) and of specific church events and school events. I love the memories that pictures bring.
About a year ago we purchased a digital Nikon. I now have way more camera than I need. More camera than I care for. Don't get me wrong, I love 'er. But mostly I like to point, shoot and enjoy the picture as is. I don't care about the editing. I don't care about removing the imperfections from the photo or trying to add to the photo to perfect it. Nothing's perfect...not my kids, not my yard, not my husband (though he's close) and most certainly not my photography skills.
Basically I have none.
I like to take pictures of my kids in our real life. Messy house, snotty faces, dirty looks, over-grown yard, cluttered driveway, clothes on the couch waiting to be folded.
I just don't care.
At least I didn't used to.
I noticed recently that I have not taken more than a handful of pictures since Christmas. And even those I haven't printed yet. I started thinking about why I hadn't been taking pictures. It didn't take me long to realize why I quit getting my normally-attached-to-my-neck camera out.
I've started comparing each and every picture I take to the pictures I see everyone else taking.
I started feeling bound with fear each time I turned my camera on.
I started worrying that posting a picture would be laughed at because the lighting was off, the angle wrong, or whatever else could be wrong about my picture.
By comparing myself to others I lost joy in what used to bring me a sense of happiness.
While realizing this, I also realized it doesn't stop with photography. It's been a running theme in nearly every area of my life.
I used to blog almost daily. Once I started this blog, I couldn't stop. I loved it.
Then I started reading other blogs. Seeing how funny, insightful, witty, deep, spiritual, crafty, frugal, perfectly punctuated other women were made me see that this blog of mine as a joke. I lost sight of my reason for starting it in the first place - so my girls could read about our lives through my eyes and my heart, so they'd know how much I love them and their daddy no matter how crazy I am and so they could hopefully learn from my mistakes and do better by their husbands and children.
I lost my joy in blogging when I started comparing my lil ol' blog with everyone elses.
I've told you many times that my dream in life was to be a wife and mama. If I'm living my dream, then where's the joy in it I once had? It's lost in my comparison of myself as a wife and mother with other women around me that I see doing it "better" or who are "successful" in their roles as wife and mom. I wasn't created to be those other women. I wasn't created to mother the way other women mother or be the wife that other women are. Yet I've been comparing myself to them for years now.
Because of it, I've lost the joy that comes with the blessing of being a wife and mom.
But I'm done.
I'm done with comparing me to them.
In every way - those I've listed and those I haven't.
I just want to be me. The wife and mama that I am. The photographer that I am - and of course I use that term loosely. The simple, no frills, useless blogger that I am.
Just me.
Finding joy again.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Proverbs 3 verses five and six
My husband has a new job. His dream job.
The short version of this story?
God.
G-O-D
Period.
Long version?
Before I go any further I want to thank all of you and I do mean ALL OF YOU for your love, prayers, emails, phone calls and encouraging words over the last year.
This truck life has been tough. Real tough. Honestly, it's been much harder than we anticipated. Mostly because we never realized how much we liked being at home til we were never here. We never realized just how loudly Spice cried until we were stuck in a truck with her.
I'd like to say the weeks that the girls and I were with Josh weren't that bad. But I can't. They were bad. Of course there was fun mixed in and a lot of adventures we'd never have been on if we hadn't gone. But all in all, those were hard weeks. Then when fall and winter rolled around and the weather and roads were awful, we stayed home while Josh went out alone.
These last few months have not been easy on us. I started resenting my husband. I couldn't go out in the truck with him because the roads were bad and we agreed it wouldn't be wise to have all of us in the truck. And he couldn't be home in the evenings to help me with the girls.
We all missed him being home. He missed being home.
Then he was offered the opportunity to buy the truck and trailers.
And I about had a heart attack on the spot.
Every awful feeling possible came. While the offer was good in some ways, ie...no interest, no bank involvement, etc. I just couldn't shake the panicky feeling I had.
So I emailed my friend Laura in TN and she promptly emailed back saying that for my husband to make an informed decision I had to let him know how I felt. And if he still chose to buy the truck, well, that's when being a submissive wife really comes in to play.
Later that night I talked to Josh. Told him how I felt.
AND THE MAN UNDERSTOOD.
AND AGREED.
No, Hell has not frozen over. I checked.
I felt so bad asking him to give up his dream job again (he quit driving truck when Sugar was born.) I hated thinking he'd be stuck with a job he hated.
But he knew that things at home weren't going well and that we needed him here. I needed him here. He decided he'd try to get a job in the welding supply business again. This is what he's done since high school graduation, it's what he knows, it's what he's good at. It's also the place he quit before going OTR. So, instead of trying to get his job back, he decided he'd call the competition. He didn't want to. Didn't feel right about it but decided to go for it anyway.
Then he remembered he'd signed a "no-compete" clause. Since I'd thrown it away he didn't know exactly what it said but we were pretty sure it stated he had to wait at least two years before he could work for a welding supply company again. But to know for sure what it said, he'd have to get a copy of it.
Sooo...he had to call the HR department (HR dept is located at the main office, three hours from where we live) and request a copy. The lady told him she wasn't trying to give him a run around but that the safe where they're kept was broken and it'd be a few days before she could fax it. Josh agreed, what else could he do?
Within minutes - literally- he received a call from his previous manager asking if he was looking for a job. At this time Chad and Nancy (Josh's current employers) weren't aware he was job searching so Josh was a little nervous to tell the guy that he was indeed looking for a job. First he wanted to know how Shane knew. HR lady called the VP of the company informing him of Josh's request, VP then called Shane - Josh's previous manager.
The next day Josh talked to the VP. btw...VP's name is Mike. Mike told Josh that he was in the middle of setting up a big account but they'd taken it slow because they didn't have the right driver.
Til now.
The job would be driving a semi (YAY!) hauling chlorine. He'll make occasional trips over to Tacoma to load the chlorine then drive back over and deliver it locally. And a trip every few weeks or so that would be over night. But 90% of the time he'll be home EVERY NIGHT!
He told Josh he'd have all his same pay and benefits but they didn't know a start date.
During this whole time Josh is feeling bad about telling Chad and Nancy he's going to quit.
Little did we know, they were ready to sell the trucks and be done with the business!
Is God's timing not the greatest?
Josh has been back and forth with Mike about a start date. Mike couldn't ever give him one and we were starting to get pretty nervous. Especially when Chad told Josh that they weren't wanting his truck on the road after the end of March, meaning we had a month to get all the details worked out with the new job.
Then, outta no where Josh gets a call from a guy in town that he doesn't know offering him a job. The benefits and pay are way less but he could have started right then and there. The guy (Danny, I think) had heard Josh's current boss was getting out and that Josh was going to need a job. He started making calls around town asking about Josh. He told Josh that he'd heard nothing but people singing his praises. ☺ So, they offered him a job.
The only incentive was that he knew for sure he'd have a job.
But we both felt like the Lord just wanted us to wait it out. So, he didn't take the job.
Finally, after nearly two months of planning, preparation, etc. Mike called Josh, told him that he didn't have everything completely ready but that he knew Josh needed to start the hiring process. Then, the phone rang after that and his current boss told him he had one week (this week) left, then they'd pay him for a week of vacation and then he was done.
So, the way it's worked out is that he's driving this week, has a week of vacation (his first vacation in over 3.5 years) and then starts his new job on the 29th.
HOW COOL IS THAT?!
They also offered him more money than we thought they would and told him that in six months they'd review it and if all was going well, they'd give him a raise.
I love that my husband is going to be home at night.
I love that he still gets to drive a big truck.
And mostly I love how Jesus worked it all out.
The short version of this story?
God.
G-O-D
Period.
Long version?
Before I go any further I want to thank all of you and I do mean ALL OF YOU for your love, prayers, emails, phone calls and encouraging words over the last year.
This truck life has been tough. Real tough. Honestly, it's been much harder than we anticipated. Mostly because we never realized how much we liked being at home til we were never here. We never realized just how loudly Spice cried until we were stuck in a truck with her.
I'd like to say the weeks that the girls and I were with Josh weren't that bad. But I can't. They were bad. Of course there was fun mixed in and a lot of adventures we'd never have been on if we hadn't gone. But all in all, those were hard weeks. Then when fall and winter rolled around and the weather and roads were awful, we stayed home while Josh went out alone.
These last few months have not been easy on us. I started resenting my husband. I couldn't go out in the truck with him because the roads were bad and we agreed it wouldn't be wise to have all of us in the truck. And he couldn't be home in the evenings to help me with the girls.
We all missed him being home. He missed being home.
Then he was offered the opportunity to buy the truck and trailers.
And I about had a heart attack on the spot.
Every awful feeling possible came. While the offer was good in some ways, ie...no interest, no bank involvement, etc. I just couldn't shake the panicky feeling I had.
So I emailed my friend Laura in TN and she promptly emailed back saying that for my husband to make an informed decision I had to let him know how I felt. And if he still chose to buy the truck, well, that's when being a submissive wife really comes in to play.
Later that night I talked to Josh. Told him how I felt.
AND THE MAN UNDERSTOOD.
AND AGREED.
No, Hell has not frozen over. I checked.
I felt so bad asking him to give up his dream job again (he quit driving truck when Sugar was born.) I hated thinking he'd be stuck with a job he hated.
But he knew that things at home weren't going well and that we needed him here. I needed him here. He decided he'd try to get a job in the welding supply business again. This is what he's done since high school graduation, it's what he knows, it's what he's good at. It's also the place he quit before going OTR. So, instead of trying to get his job back, he decided he'd call the competition. He didn't want to. Didn't feel right about it but decided to go for it anyway.
Then he remembered he'd signed a "no-compete" clause. Since I'd thrown it away he didn't know exactly what it said but we were pretty sure it stated he had to wait at least two years before he could work for a welding supply company again. But to know for sure what it said, he'd have to get a copy of it.
Sooo...he had to call the HR department (HR dept is located at the main office, three hours from where we live) and request a copy. The lady told him she wasn't trying to give him a run around but that the safe where they're kept was broken and it'd be a few days before she could fax it. Josh agreed, what else could he do?
Within minutes - literally- he received a call from his previous manager asking if he was looking for a job. At this time Chad and Nancy (Josh's current employers) weren't aware he was job searching so Josh was a little nervous to tell the guy that he was indeed looking for a job. First he wanted to know how Shane knew. HR lady called the VP of the company informing him of Josh's request, VP then called Shane - Josh's previous manager.
The next day Josh talked to the VP. btw...VP's name is Mike. Mike told Josh that he was in the middle of setting up a big account but they'd taken it slow because they didn't have the right driver.
Til now.
The job would be driving a semi (YAY!) hauling chlorine. He'll make occasional trips over to Tacoma to load the chlorine then drive back over and deliver it locally. And a trip every few weeks or so that would be over night. But 90% of the time he'll be home EVERY NIGHT!
He told Josh he'd have all his same pay and benefits but they didn't know a start date.
During this whole time Josh is feeling bad about telling Chad and Nancy he's going to quit.
Little did we know, they were ready to sell the trucks and be done with the business!
Is God's timing not the greatest?
Josh has been back and forth with Mike about a start date. Mike couldn't ever give him one and we were starting to get pretty nervous. Especially when Chad told Josh that they weren't wanting his truck on the road after the end of March, meaning we had a month to get all the details worked out with the new job.
Then, outta no where Josh gets a call from a guy in town that he doesn't know offering him a job. The benefits and pay are way less but he could have started right then and there. The guy (Danny, I think) had heard Josh's current boss was getting out and that Josh was going to need a job. He started making calls around town asking about Josh. He told Josh that he'd heard nothing but people singing his praises. ☺ So, they offered him a job.
The only incentive was that he knew for sure he'd have a job.
But we both felt like the Lord just wanted us to wait it out. So, he didn't take the job.
Finally, after nearly two months of planning, preparation, etc. Mike called Josh, told him that he didn't have everything completely ready but that he knew Josh needed to start the hiring process. Then, the phone rang after that and his current boss told him he had one week (this week) left, then they'd pay him for a week of vacation and then he was done.
So, the way it's worked out is that he's driving this week, has a week of vacation (his first vacation in over 3.5 years) and then starts his new job on the 29th.
HOW COOL IS THAT?!
They also offered him more money than we thought they would and told him that in six months they'd review it and if all was going well, they'd give him a raise.
I love that my husband is going to be home at night.
I love that he still gets to drive a big truck.
And mostly I love how Jesus worked it all out.
Finally remembered I was supposed to post a winner
Sorry. A million times over, I'm sorry!
I know I was supposed to announce the winner of the bloggy birthday giveaway a week and a half ago but I have lost track of time AND MY MIND!
So, random.org has randomly chosen contestant/commenter number 2 which was Laura S!
I'll be sending out some toenail polish to you, stat!
Tomorrow's post...
My husband's NEW job!
I know I was supposed to announce the winner of the bloggy birthday giveaway a week and a half ago but I have lost track of time AND MY MIND!
So, random.org has randomly chosen contestant/commenter number 2 which was Laura S!
I'll be sending out some toenail polish to you, stat!
Tomorrow's post...
My husband's NEW job!
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
And now I need a nap for about six months straight
Friends, I'm exhausted. I realized it this morning.
I am emotionally drained.
To the point that I'm thinking a panic attack is in order. Along with a trip to McDonald's and Starbucks.
My purse. Last Thursday we got some not so wonderful news and had to make a trip to Wal Mart for some unexpected groceries. I left Wal Mart and 40 minutes later I realized I'd left my purse in the cart. I'd already gotten Spice's jammies on (Sugar was with her daddy) but I had to dash back to the store. I was praying like crazy. While it would suck to have to replace everything in my purse, there'd be no way to replace my journal. I was mortified to think of anyone reading it. Ugh! I called Josh. Sent a text to my mom and my friend Melissa to please pray. I parked right next to the cart return where I'd placed my cart and my purse was not to be found. I went to Customer Service and praise God, some man had returned it! Nothing was touched. Not even my six bucks cash. Everything was there. I still get all shaken up when I think about it though. I was so scatterbrained in that moment.
Job. I posted a week (was it two?) ago that my husband is getting a new job. He is. The timing of everything is sketchy and scary. And let me put it to you this way...as of April 1st my husband will not have a job if this new one does not come through. Needless to say, I'm worried. Josh isn't so much. He's confident that all of what's happening is perfect timing and that there's no need to worry. Can you guess which one of us looks at the glass half full while the other one looks at it as half empty?
Marriage. In my life right now there are four marriages that are looking grim. People I love. Care for. Hurt for. Pray for. I know their marriage struggles are not about me but it's amazing how you can let others hurts and needs affect you to the point of being ill. I realized this morning I've been praying for these other marriages and have been failing to pray for my own. Josh and I have hit bottom and have come through by the grace of God but just because we've already been down a dark road doesn't mean we're immune to it happening again. I still need to be praying for us.
Money. Right now Josh makes decent money, not a fortune but comfy. We have - literally - 52 cents in our savings account. We've never ever been wise with our money but we've always paid all our bills and have been able to eat out when we want, have Starbucks, internet, cell phones, vehicles, etc. The glorious life, right? Pfft. Well, with this job change it's very likely our income will be cut tremendously. I'm in the process of reducing our insurance on our vehicles (I finally looked up what I'm actually paying and what I'm paying for and realized we have more coverage than we need) I'm working up the nerve to cut our cell phone down to one. Josh's boss pays 3/4 of our cell bill. Come April first she'll pay 0/4 of our cell bill. We can't afford it. I'm tired of bills. Not the ones I must pay but the ones I don't need to pay. The ones I've brought upon myself. Cell phones, internet, car payments, etc. They make me tired. I'm tired of being tired.
Alison. Our Spice of life. Oh, my sweet baby girl. We had her allergy tested and the results came back last Thursday. Before the doctor told me the results, her exact words were, "I'm sorry, this is as bad as it gets." She's highly allergic to eggs, gluten and wheat and dairy. Oh, and she's allergic to peanuts. Since Friday we've had to get creative with her food. It's not been easy since I'm trying to cut back on groceries. This weekend we'll be headed to Portland, OR so I'll be able to hit up Whole Foods and hopefully be able to stock up on a bunch of ingredients for her. I've decided not to grocery shop this week for our regular stuff (eating up what we already have on hand) so I can save up and use it at Whole Foods. Since she was two weeks old I have felt so ill-equipped to be her mama. This just tops it off. I want to help her. I want to do something for her. I want to do it right. I'm panicked that this is just one more thing I'm going to fail at.
Family. I've had to make a big decision in my life that wasn't easy to make. I feared it would disrupt some of the good relationships I've been having with my family. But big decisions needed to be made despite rocking boats. Still waiting to see the ripples from it.
Fat. That's me. Still. I'm currently on a rewards system with my husband. For every five pounds I lose he'll buy me a present. There's a purse I want at Target and he says when I lose five pounds I can have it. But then the dummy went and bought ice cream last night after dinner. I think he doesn't want to have to buy me the purse. Maybe he likes me fat rolls afterall, huh?
Dinner. It's 6:30 and I'm about to give the girls the same meal they've had 3 times already since Friday. Spaghetti. It's easy and allergy free.
Okay, I'm done with my pity party. Thanks for letting me vent. I'll be back tomorrow with the winner of the giveaway.
I am emotionally drained.
To the point that I'm thinking a panic attack is in order. Along with a trip to McDonald's and Starbucks.
My purse. Last Thursday we got some not so wonderful news and had to make a trip to Wal Mart for some unexpected groceries. I left Wal Mart and 40 minutes later I realized I'd left my purse in the cart. I'd already gotten Spice's jammies on (Sugar was with her daddy) but I had to dash back to the store. I was praying like crazy. While it would suck to have to replace everything in my purse, there'd be no way to replace my journal. I was mortified to think of anyone reading it. Ugh! I called Josh. Sent a text to my mom and my friend Melissa to please pray. I parked right next to the cart return where I'd placed my cart and my purse was not to be found. I went to Customer Service and praise God, some man had returned it! Nothing was touched. Not even my six bucks cash. Everything was there. I still get all shaken up when I think about it though. I was so scatterbrained in that moment.
Job. I posted a week (was it two?) ago that my husband is getting a new job. He is. The timing of everything is sketchy and scary. And let me put it to you this way...as of April 1st my husband will not have a job if this new one does not come through. Needless to say, I'm worried. Josh isn't so much. He's confident that all of what's happening is perfect timing and that there's no need to worry. Can you guess which one of us looks at the glass half full while the other one looks at it as half empty?
Marriage. In my life right now there are four marriages that are looking grim. People I love. Care for. Hurt for. Pray for. I know their marriage struggles are not about me but it's amazing how you can let others hurts and needs affect you to the point of being ill. I realized this morning I've been praying for these other marriages and have been failing to pray for my own. Josh and I have hit bottom and have come through by the grace of God but just because we've already been down a dark road doesn't mean we're immune to it happening again. I still need to be praying for us.
Money. Right now Josh makes decent money, not a fortune but comfy. We have - literally - 52 cents in our savings account. We've never ever been wise with our money but we've always paid all our bills and have been able to eat out when we want, have Starbucks, internet, cell phones, vehicles, etc. The glorious life, right? Pfft. Well, with this job change it's very likely our income will be cut tremendously. I'm in the process of reducing our insurance on our vehicles (I finally looked up what I'm actually paying and what I'm paying for and realized we have more coverage than we need) I'm working up the nerve to cut our cell phone down to one. Josh's boss pays 3/4 of our cell bill. Come April first she'll pay 0/4 of our cell bill. We can't afford it. I'm tired of bills. Not the ones I must pay but the ones I don't need to pay. The ones I've brought upon myself. Cell phones, internet, car payments, etc. They make me tired. I'm tired of being tired.
Alison. Our Spice of life. Oh, my sweet baby girl. We had her allergy tested and the results came back last Thursday. Before the doctor told me the results, her exact words were, "I'm sorry, this is as bad as it gets." She's highly allergic to eggs, gluten and wheat and dairy. Oh, and she's allergic to peanuts. Since Friday we've had to get creative with her food. It's not been easy since I'm trying to cut back on groceries. This weekend we'll be headed to Portland, OR so I'll be able to hit up Whole Foods and hopefully be able to stock up on a bunch of ingredients for her. I've decided not to grocery shop this week for our regular stuff (eating up what we already have on hand) so I can save up and use it at Whole Foods. Since she was two weeks old I have felt so ill-equipped to be her mama. This just tops it off. I want to help her. I want to do something for her. I want to do it right. I'm panicked that this is just one more thing I'm going to fail at.
Family. I've had to make a big decision in my life that wasn't easy to make. I feared it would disrupt some of the good relationships I've been having with my family. But big decisions needed to be made despite rocking boats. Still waiting to see the ripples from it.
Fat. That's me. Still. I'm currently on a rewards system with my husband. For every five pounds I lose he'll buy me a present. There's a purse I want at Target and he says when I lose five pounds I can have it. But then the dummy went and bought ice cream last night after dinner. I think he doesn't want to have to buy me the purse. Maybe he likes me fat rolls afterall, huh?
Dinner. It's 6:30 and I'm about to give the girls the same meal they've had 3 times already since Friday. Spaghetti. It's easy and allergy free.
Okay, I'm done with my pity party. Thanks for letting me vent. I'll be back tomorrow with the winner of the giveaway.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
You decide what YOU want
It's the second of March.
Can you believe that?!? Me either.
And with the beginning of a month I'm reminded that I'm to give something away. We only have FOUR more giveaways!
But at the moment, I'm at a loss for an idea of what to give away.
Here are things I considered and then decided against.
1. Spice - while a lil on the naughty side, she's too cute to give away.
2. A weekend trip to Lincoln City - hello, I need this! So, my husband and I are going next weekend. just.the.two.of.us!!!
3. A bag of Oreos - whoops! too late. they're gone.
4. A Starbucks giftcard my sweet father-in-law gave me for helping out a couple weekends ago. I've almost used it all up, I wouldn't feel right giving you the 12 bucks that's left. (um, because that's 3 more coffees for me!)
5. The scale in my bathroom - it appears to be broken or something, it shows these huge numbers I'm not used to, so I don't think you'd want it. But I don't want it either. So maybe I should give it away...
So, there you have it. Things I considered and thought better of.
What do you want?!?
Leave a comment with something you'd like me to send you. If it's reasonable (like 10-15 bucks reasonable) I'll consider it along with my scale and you're entered in for the giveaway!
Hurry up and leave a comment. I'll announce Friday who won what. ☺
Can you believe that?!? Me either.
And with the beginning of a month I'm reminded that I'm to give something away. We only have FOUR more giveaways!
But at the moment, I'm at a loss for an idea of what to give away.
Here are things I considered and then decided against.
1. Spice - while a lil on the naughty side, she's too cute to give away.
2. A weekend trip to Lincoln City - hello, I need this! So, my husband and I are going next weekend. just.the.two.of.us!!!
3. A bag of Oreos - whoops! too late. they're gone.
4. A Starbucks giftcard my sweet father-in-law gave me for helping out a couple weekends ago. I've almost used it all up, I wouldn't feel right giving you the 12 bucks that's left. (um, because that's 3 more coffees for me!)
5. The scale in my bathroom - it appears to be broken or something, it shows these huge numbers I'm not used to, so I don't think you'd want it. But I don't want it either. So maybe I should give it away...
So, there you have it. Things I considered and thought better of.
What do you want?!?
Leave a comment with something you'd like me to send you. If it's reasonable (like 10-15 bucks reasonable) I'll consider it along with my scale and you're entered in for the giveaway!
Hurry up and leave a comment. I'll announce Friday who won what. ☺
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I am Ready
for life to slow down
for clear thoughts
to see God work it all out
for my tax return I am getting one, right, Kristie?
to get more done on our remodeling project
to talk about my dad during counseling
for a weekend away with my husband
to wear flip flops
for my husband's job change
to hear back from the doctor on Spice's bloodwork
to cut my hair
to enjoy 75 degree weather
to buy a pair of sunglasses
and did I mention I'm ready for my husband's job change?
for clear thoughts
to see God work it all out
for my tax return I am getting one, right, Kristie?
to get more done on our remodeling project
to talk about my dad during counseling
for a weekend away with my husband
to wear flip flops
for my husband's job change
to hear back from the doctor on Spice's bloodwork
to cut my hair
to enjoy 75 degree weather
to buy a pair of sunglasses
and did I mention I'm ready for my husband's job change?
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Glimpse
The way Josh's loads for the truck have been going this week he was home Monday night, Tuesday night and last night.
It was so nice to have him home at night. Enjoying an evening together, with the girls. I loved looking forward to him coming home each of those evenings and having dinner together. I loved having him here to help with the nighttime routine with the girls. I loved hanging out after they were asleep, just talking and enjoying his company. And I loved snuggling next to him in bed.
It made me miss his old job.
But gets me excited for what's in store.
It was so nice to have him home at night. Enjoying an evening together, with the girls. I loved looking forward to him coming home each of those evenings and having dinner together. I loved having him here to help with the nighttime routine with the girls. I loved hanging out after they were asleep, just talking and enjoying his company. And I loved snuggling next to him in bed.
It made me miss his old job.
But gets me excited for what's in store.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Out in the Open
I think part of the reason I don't hold much back here on my blog is because for too long I was very good at keeping secrets. I was great at hiding stuff. And it made me sick.
You can only keep secrets hidden for so long before they're found out.
Before you hurt others.
Before you hurt yourself.
I'm not talking about the secret you're (I'm) keeping that you (I) ate 7 Oreos dipped in white chocolate over the weekend and you (I) would just rather no one else know about it.
I'm talking about lies.
Any time I feel like I'm not open about something, I feel like I'm being secretive. Like I'm lying. It's not a good feeling.
What I'm about to tell you, I don't have to tell you. It's really not important for anyone else to know about. But I don't want it to be a secret.
On Super Bowl Sunday we were driving home from my SIL's house. This drive gives us a little over three hours to talk. Sometimes we make small talk, sometimes we talk about our goals and other times we get pretty serious.
February 7th was serious.
Through my blog posts and interaction with me personally, I'm sure many of you know that I haven't been feeling well emotionally.
I am unhealthy.
I don't like it. My husband doesn't like it. My kids don't like it. Nor do my family and friends.
I want to get better. I need to get better.
So, last Friday I went in for the first of my weekly visits with a Christian counselor. During our phone call when I set up the appointment she asked me how I found her. God Bless, Google! ☺ I wasn't nervous at all to go in and talk with her.
Until about five minutes before I walked in her door.
Upon seeing her though I just felt this peace. She has this wonderful accent and her name, though pronounced differently, is very similar to a friend of mine from church and it may seem silly but even that little thing about her put me at ease.
We sat and talked. Well, I talked.
A lot.
And she listened.
A lot.
So. There it is. There's my non-secret. I'm going to counseling.
And I'm going to be a better woman, wife, mama, sister, daughter and friend for it.
You can only keep secrets hidden for so long before they're found out.
Before you hurt others.
Before you hurt yourself.
I'm not talking about the secret you're (I'm) keeping that you (I) ate 7 Oreos dipped in white chocolate over the weekend and you (I) would just rather no one else know about it.
I'm talking about lies.
Any time I feel like I'm not open about something, I feel like I'm being secretive. Like I'm lying. It's not a good feeling.
What I'm about to tell you, I don't have to tell you. It's really not important for anyone else to know about. But I don't want it to be a secret.
On Super Bowl Sunday we were driving home from my SIL's house. This drive gives us a little over three hours to talk. Sometimes we make small talk, sometimes we talk about our goals and other times we get pretty serious.
February 7th was serious.
Through my blog posts and interaction with me personally, I'm sure many of you know that I haven't been feeling well emotionally.
I am unhealthy.
I don't like it. My husband doesn't like it. My kids don't like it. Nor do my family and friends.
I want to get better. I need to get better.
So, last Friday I went in for the first of my weekly visits with a Christian counselor. During our phone call when I set up the appointment she asked me how I found her. God Bless, Google! ☺ I wasn't nervous at all to go in and talk with her.
Until about five minutes before I walked in her door.
Upon seeing her though I just felt this peace. She has this wonderful accent and her name, though pronounced differently, is very similar to a friend of mine from church and it may seem silly but even that little thing about her put me at ease.
We sat and talked. Well, I talked.
A lot.
And she listened.
A lot.
So. There it is. There's my non-secret. I'm going to counseling.
And I'm going to be a better woman, wife, mama, sister, daughter and friend for it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day
There are still a couple hours left of this day.
Happy Valentine's Day.
This isn't a holiday I care too much about. Don't get me wrong, I used to. I used to think it was all about flowers and gifts and the perfect card and going out to dinner.
Then I realized that that put way too much pressure on my husband.
I think I realized the pressure that is put on men when I worked at a flower shop during Valentine's Day. There were men scrambling at the last minute, panicked that they hadn't gotten there in time to order flowers. Freaking out because, "now what were they going to do?"
I've seen on many Valentine's Days the disappointment my husband has in himself when he realizes the day is here and he's forgotten. I always get him at least a card and usually a small gift. It ends up just making him feel bad.
I went to Target twice this week, the first time passing the Valentine section and resolving that I would not buy him a card, just in case he didn't get me one, so as not to make him feel bad. But the second trip I couldn't pass up the card section. I wanted to get him a little card. And I did. Nothing fancy shmancy, just a card with candy hearts on it. Inside telling him I love him with my whole heart.
Much to my surprise Josh bought me a gift this year! He's so cute. And sweet. And thoughtful.
This morning he handed me the sweetest bag, made of plastic with blue lettering.
"Wal*Mart" and inside....
A razor.
It's no secret that these legs of mine rarely see a razor. Shaving my legs takes time (they're big legs!) time that I just don't have to spare in the shower. I also don't like shaving my legs because my razor sucks.
Josh was thoughtful enough to get me a nice razor and shave gel!
Now if I could just find the time to use 'em.
Happy Valentine's Day.
This isn't a holiday I care too much about. Don't get me wrong, I used to. I used to think it was all about flowers and gifts and the perfect card and going out to dinner.
Then I realized that that put way too much pressure on my husband.
I think I realized the pressure that is put on men when I worked at a flower shop during Valentine's Day. There were men scrambling at the last minute, panicked that they hadn't gotten there in time to order flowers. Freaking out because, "now what were they going to do?"
I've seen on many Valentine's Days the disappointment my husband has in himself when he realizes the day is here and he's forgotten. I always get him at least a card and usually a small gift. It ends up just making him feel bad.
I went to Target twice this week, the first time passing the Valentine section and resolving that I would not buy him a card, just in case he didn't get me one, so as not to make him feel bad. But the second trip I couldn't pass up the card section. I wanted to get him a little card. And I did. Nothing fancy shmancy, just a card with candy hearts on it. Inside telling him I love him with my whole heart.
Much to my surprise Josh bought me a gift this year! He's so cute. And sweet. And thoughtful.
This morning he handed me the sweetest bag, made of plastic with blue lettering.
"Wal*Mart" and inside....
A razor.
It's no secret that these legs of mine rarely see a razor. Shaving my legs takes time (they're big legs!) time that I just don't have to spare in the shower. I also don't like shaving my legs because my razor sucks.
Josh was thoughtful enough to get me a nice razor and shave gel!
Now if I could just find the time to use 'em.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
At my husband's expense
We carry embarrassing moments with us forever. I know I've tried to repress a few of mine but they always seem to surface somehow or another.
Usually by the reminder of friends or family.
I truly believe that embarrassing moments aren't only to keep us humble but are for the enjoyment of others.
Such is the case for my husband's most recent embarrassing moment. A moment that happened nearly two months ago but he only just told me about today.
And after hearing what happened to the poor guy (and laughing my head off to the point of tears and my ugly laugh) I understand why it took him so long to tell me about it.
So, with his permission, I tell you his story...
This morning (2.10.2010) I had an appointment with an oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth. On my way to my appointment I was going to drop off our tax stuff at a CPA office. It wasn't a place I was familiar with and once I got to the office there were two doors. Neither marked.
As much as I'm afraid of mice or spiders, I am more afraid of a place that has more than one door. Especially when they are not clearly marked.
So I never even got outta my car. I left without dropping off my tax info and continued on another 25 miles to the oral surgeon.
I called Josh to tell him I made it to my appointment 40 minutes early - because that's how I roll - and that the CPA office had more than one door. I told him (though I didn't need to) that I didn't end up dropping off our taxes because of the door situation.
And he proceeds to tell me about his own recent door situation...
About two months ago he was hauling a load of hay and heading to a dairy. He called for directions and the dairyman's wife gave very specific directions of how to find them.
Yellow buildings. Fairly desolate area. On the right hand side of the road.
So, he's driving along, turns where he's supposed to and sees a Dead End sign. When you're pulling doubles this is never good. He doesn't want to go too far because it's not like you can just easily back up a semi with a set of doubles. So he's cautious as he's driving down the road. He sees a few yellow buildings and for the most part the area is pretty quiet. There aren't any cows (this shoulda been his first clue as he is dropping off a load of hay) but nevermind that...
He sees a John Deere green caboose that's about three or four feet off the ground with a few trucks parked next to it.
"Must be their office." He says to himself.
He pulls his Peterbilt in, walks up the stairs to the "office" and opens the door without knocking. Only to find a very heavy set man standing in his bathroom, wearing a flannel shirt and no pants.
A flannel shirt.
And no pants.
"Welp, guess this isn't the right place." And he closes the door to the man's caboose house, walks down the stairs, proceeds a mile and a half up the road to the actual dairy.
Where no one is wearing flannel but everyone is wearing pants.
Usually by the reminder of friends or family.
I truly believe that embarrassing moments aren't only to keep us humble but are for the enjoyment of others.
Such is the case for my husband's most recent embarrassing moment. A moment that happened nearly two months ago but he only just told me about today.
And after hearing what happened to the poor guy (and laughing my head off to the point of tears and my ugly laugh) I understand why it took him so long to tell me about it.
So, with his permission, I tell you his story...
This morning (2.10.2010) I had an appointment with an oral surgeon for my wisdom teeth. On my way to my appointment I was going to drop off our tax stuff at a CPA office. It wasn't a place I was familiar with and once I got to the office there were two doors. Neither marked.
As much as I'm afraid of mice or spiders, I am more afraid of a place that has more than one door. Especially when they are not clearly marked.
So I never even got outta my car. I left without dropping off my tax info and continued on another 25 miles to the oral surgeon.
I called Josh to tell him I made it to my appointment 40 minutes early - because that's how I roll - and that the CPA office had more than one door. I told him (though I didn't need to) that I didn't end up dropping off our taxes because of the door situation.
And he proceeds to tell me about his own recent door situation...
About two months ago he was hauling a load of hay and heading to a dairy. He called for directions and the dairyman's wife gave very specific directions of how to find them.
Yellow buildings. Fairly desolate area. On the right hand side of the road.
So, he's driving along, turns where he's supposed to and sees a Dead End sign. When you're pulling doubles this is never good. He doesn't want to go too far because it's not like you can just easily back up a semi with a set of doubles. So he's cautious as he's driving down the road. He sees a few yellow buildings and for the most part the area is pretty quiet. There aren't any cows (this shoulda been his first clue as he is dropping off a load of hay) but nevermind that...
He sees a John Deere green caboose that's about three or four feet off the ground with a few trucks parked next to it.
"Must be their office." He says to himself.
He pulls his Peterbilt in, walks up the stairs to the "office" and opens the door without knocking. Only to find a very heavy set man standing in his bathroom, wearing a flannel shirt and no pants.
A flannel shirt.
And no pants.
"Welp, guess this isn't the right place." And he closes the door to the man's caboose house, walks down the stairs, proceeds a mile and a half up the road to the actual dairy.
Where no one is wearing flannel but everyone is wearing pants.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
The Monday Random
Just realized I lost a "follower" and even though I'm bummed about it, what can I do? Nothing.
Took Spice in for a well-child check up. We don't visit the doctor often because the doctor and I don't get along well. Rather, we don't see eye to eye on a few things. So, I switched to a Naturopathic Doctor yesterday and feel very comfortable with her.
She informed me Spice is in the 50th percentile for height but isn't even on the charts for weight. She said I need to try to fatten 'er up a bit. I wanted to ask if we could do liposuction on me right there and just transfer it to Spice. Then realized it's the first time we're meeting and she might not appreciate my humor.
Not many people do.
After that appointment I had to take Spice to get blood drawn. JOY! There was a girl in line before us who informed the phlebotomist that she had just used. The phlebotomist wanted to see her arms. She took off her large coat and revealed not only the tracks in her arms but the fact that she was about six months pregnant.
My heart broke.
For the baby. And the mama.
I went to bed at 7:25 last night and was asleep in minutes. It felt amazing.
We've done very little to the remodel of our house the last couple of weeks. Thinking our house guests this weekend will change that.
My husband and I don't "do" Valentine's day. I get the girls a little something and a card for him and sometimes a gift but that's it.
Maybe I should have phrased that, "my husband doesn't do Valentine's day." =)
I'm having my wisdom teeth looked at tomorrow. I need to have them out and they're going to give me an estimate for what it'll cost me. Since I don't have insurance I'm sure anything over $5 is going to freak me out. =) I have two that are poking out and two that haven't even surfaced but are pushing on the nerves of my other teeth. No good.
My husband is in Montana right now. I don't like having him that far away. I cried on our phone call tonight. I'm such a weenie.
I have a two bedroom condo rented on the beach for two days next month and no clue what to do with it. Go alone, perhaps?
My house was clean yesterday.
Wish ya coulda seen it.
Took Spice in for a well-child check up. We don't visit the doctor often because the doctor and I don't get along well. Rather, we don't see eye to eye on a few things. So, I switched to a Naturopathic Doctor yesterday and feel very comfortable with her.
She informed me Spice is in the 50th percentile for height but isn't even on the charts for weight. She said I need to try to fatten 'er up a bit. I wanted to ask if we could do liposuction on me right there and just transfer it to Spice. Then realized it's the first time we're meeting and she might not appreciate my humor.
Not many people do.
After that appointment I had to take Spice to get blood drawn. JOY! There was a girl in line before us who informed the phlebotomist that she had just used. The phlebotomist wanted to see her arms. She took off her large coat and revealed not only the tracks in her arms but the fact that she was about six months pregnant.
My heart broke.
For the baby. And the mama.
I went to bed at 7:25 last night and was asleep in minutes. It felt amazing.
We've done very little to the remodel of our house the last couple of weeks. Thinking our house guests this weekend will change that.
My husband and I don't "do" Valentine's day. I get the girls a little something and a card for him and sometimes a gift but that's it.
Maybe I should have phrased that, "my husband doesn't do Valentine's day." =)
I'm having my wisdom teeth looked at tomorrow. I need to have them out and they're going to give me an estimate for what it'll cost me. Since I don't have insurance I'm sure anything over $5 is going to freak me out. =) I have two that are poking out and two that haven't even surfaced but are pushing on the nerves of my other teeth. No good.
My husband is in Montana right now. I don't like having him that far away. I cried on our phone call tonight. I'm such a weenie.
I have a two bedroom condo rented on the beach for two days next month and no clue what to do with it. Go alone, perhaps?
My house was clean yesterday.
Wish ya coulda seen it.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Giveaway answers and WINNER
You guys did great!
Here are the answers...
Question #1
Who was my last boyfriend in high school?
a.) Eric
b.) Trevor
c.) Josh
Question #2
Which department store did I wet my pants in when I was nine?
a.) Shop-Ko seriously, nine? why did I continue to look around the store for my mom and not a bathroom?!
b.) Wal-Mart
c.) Target
Question #3
What is my current favorite color?
a.) orange I'm going on two years loving this color...red is a close second!
b.) red
c.) black
Question #4
If offered a plane ticket to any state in the US which would I choose?
a.) Hawaii
b.) Tennessee I do dream of going to New York one day but right now I have four people in TN that I want to meet SO badly! (hint hint, husband...)
c.) New York
Question #5
Which thing am I most afraid of?
a.) Snakes
b.) Mice uh, remember my incident a couple of weeks ago? *shiver*
c.) Spiders
Question #6
How old was I when my husband and I got married?
a.) 18 fresh outta high school! I turned 18 a month before we got married. CUH-RAZY!
b.) 19
c.) 20
Question #7
Which of these have I not lived in?
a.) duplex I'm only 29...never know what's in store, I may be able to check it off my list one day.
b.) apartment
c.) fifth wheel (yes, I really lived in one.)
Question # 8
What is my favorite holiday?
a.) My birthday do I do a Christmas or Thanksgiving giveaway each month? uh, no. I LOVE my Birthday!!!
b.) Christmas
c.) Thanksgiving
Question #9
Which chore do I love the most? (this isn't a trick question, there's one I love!)
a.) Laundry
b.) Cleaning the bathroom instant gratification. Love this room.
c.) Dishes
Question #10
On Saturday my husband and I discussed boys names. If I were to have a son, what would we name him?
a.) Jack
b.) Silas
c.) Myron only Mary got this question right. Good job, Mar! When I went into the hospital to have Spice we had two boys and two girls names we liked. Jack and Silas were our boy names I liked. Silas the most. Josh isn't a fan of either. If we had a boy both names are out. :( He liked Myron...it's a family name on my side. The middle name would be a family name on his side. We'll never have to worry about it though....right?
Four of you tied for only missing two!
Tied for first:
1. Charissa
2. Maria
3. Treena
4. Denise
Random.org chose....
Number 1!
Charissa, shall we meet for coffee some evening so I can hand your gift card to you in person?
Here are the answers...
Question #1
Who was my last boyfriend in high school?
a.) Eric
b.) Trevor
c.) Josh
Question #2
Which department store did I wet my pants in when I was nine?
a.) Shop-Ko seriously, nine? why did I continue to look around the store for my mom and not a bathroom?!
b.) Wal-Mart
c.) Target
Question #3
What is my current favorite color?
a.) orange I'm going on two years loving this color...red is a close second!
b.) red
c.) black
Question #4
If offered a plane ticket to any state in the US which would I choose?
a.) Hawaii
b.) Tennessee I do dream of going to New York one day but right now I have four people in TN that I want to meet SO badly! (hint hint, husband...)
c.) New York
Question #5
Which thing am I most afraid of?
a.) Snakes
b.) Mice uh, remember my incident a couple of weeks ago? *shiver*
c.) Spiders
Question #6
How old was I when my husband and I got married?
a.) 18 fresh outta high school! I turned 18 a month before we got married. CUH-RAZY!
b.) 19
c.) 20
Question #7
Which of these have I not lived in?
a.) duplex I'm only 29...never know what's in store, I may be able to check it off my list one day.
b.) apartment
c.) fifth wheel (yes, I really lived in one.)
Question # 8
What is my favorite holiday?
a.) My birthday do I do a Christmas or Thanksgiving giveaway each month? uh, no. I LOVE my Birthday!!!
b.) Christmas
c.) Thanksgiving
Question #9
Which chore do I love the most? (this isn't a trick question, there's one I love!)
a.) Laundry
b.) Cleaning the bathroom instant gratification. Love this room.
c.) Dishes
Question #10
On Saturday my husband and I discussed boys names. If I were to have a son, what would we name him?
a.) Jack
b.) Silas
c.) Myron only Mary got this question right. Good job, Mar! When I went into the hospital to have Spice we had two boys and two girls names we liked. Jack and Silas were our boy names I liked. Silas the most. Josh isn't a fan of either. If we had a boy both names are out. :( He liked Myron...it's a family name on my side. The middle name would be a family name on his side. We'll never have to worry about it though....right?
Four of you tied for only missing two!
Tied for first:
1. Charissa
2. Maria
3. Treena
4. Denise
Random.org chose....
Number 1!
Charissa, shall we meet for coffee some evening so I can hand your gift card to you in person?
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Birthday Giveaway...with a Twist!
I know that about a week ago I should have posted the bloggy birthday giveaway and announced a winner today. Today being four months from my birthday. My 30th birthday. The bestest day of my life.
Okay, maybe not the bestest. But I sure do love that day.
I wasn't sure what to post as a giveaway this month. I've been in such a rut. Such a funk. Not that you'd know it by my last post or anything...nuh uh.
But I promised I'd give something away each month til my big day and goll darnit, I'm gonna!
However, this time you're going to have to work for it.
I'm going to have a little quiz and in your comment leave the letter for your answer. Whoever has the most correct answers, wins. If there is more than one winner, I'll random.org between those.
Ready? Okay!
Question #1
Who was my last boyfriend in high school?
a.) Eric
b.) Trevor
c.) Josh
Question #2
Which department store did I wet my pants in when I was nine?
a.) Shop-Ko
b.) Wal-Mart
c.) Target
Question #3
What is my current favorite color?
a.) orange
b.) red
c.) black
Question #4
If offered a plane ticket to any state in the US which would I choose?
a.) Hawaii
b.) Tennessee
c.) New York
Question #5
Which thing am I most afraid of?
a.) Snakes
b.) Mice
c.) Spiders
Question #6
How old was I when my husband and I got married?
a.) 18
b.) 19
c.) 20
Question #7
Which of these have I not lived in?
a.) duplex
b.) apartment
c.) fifth wheel
Question # 8
What is my favorite holiday?
a.) My birthday
b.) Christmas
c.) Thanksgiving
Question #9
Which chore do I love the most? (this isn't a trick question, there's one I love!)
a.) Laundry
b.) Cleaning the bathroom
c.) Dishes
Question #10
On Saturday my husband and I discussed boys names. If I were to have a son, what would we name him?
a.) Jack
b.) Silas
c.) Myron
I'll take answers through tomorrow night and Friday evening I'll post the winner.
Oh, wanna know what you're playing for?
A gift card to Target.
Good Luck!
*if you comment anonymously...please leave your name.
Okay, maybe not the bestest. But I sure do love that day.
I wasn't sure what to post as a giveaway this month. I've been in such a rut. Such a funk. Not that you'd know it by my last post or anything...nuh uh.
But I promised I'd give something away each month til my big day and goll darnit, I'm gonna!
However, this time you're going to have to work for it.
I'm going to have a little quiz and in your comment leave the letter for your answer. Whoever has the most correct answers, wins. If there is more than one winner, I'll random.org between those.
Ready? Okay!
Question #1
Who was my last boyfriend in high school?
a.) Eric
b.) Trevor
c.) Josh
Question #2
Which department store did I wet my pants in when I was nine?
a.) Shop-Ko
b.) Wal-Mart
c.) Target
Question #3
What is my current favorite color?
a.) orange
b.) red
c.) black
Question #4
If offered a plane ticket to any state in the US which would I choose?
a.) Hawaii
b.) Tennessee
c.) New York
Question #5
Which thing am I most afraid of?
a.) Snakes
b.) Mice
c.) Spiders
Question #6
How old was I when my husband and I got married?
a.) 18
b.) 19
c.) 20
Question #7
Which of these have I not lived in?
a.) duplex
b.) apartment
c.) fifth wheel
Question # 8
What is my favorite holiday?
a.) My birthday
b.) Christmas
c.) Thanksgiving
Question #9
Which chore do I love the most? (this isn't a trick question, there's one I love!)
a.) Laundry
b.) Cleaning the bathroom
c.) Dishes
Question #10
On Saturday my husband and I discussed boys names. If I were to have a son, what would we name him?
a.) Jack
b.) Silas
c.) Myron
I'll take answers through tomorrow night and Friday evening I'll post the winner.
Oh, wanna know what you're playing for?
A gift card to Target.
Good Luck!
*if you comment anonymously...please leave your name.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
i don't expect you to understand
sigh.
what started out as a decent day quickly went downhill. the crazy thing about it, i don't know when it happened or how it happened. i just know it happened.
josh was supposed to come home last night.
didn't happen.
not his fault. just truck life and never knowing from hour to hour what's going to pan out.
then spice decided to lock herself in the bathroom while i was on the phone with my sil. i quickly hung up (sorry, treena) and called my husband as i headed outside to see if the bathroom window was unlocked.
"where are you?" i asked as i was climbing on our a/c unit outside to reach the window.
"about to pull in the driveway, why?" as he's saying this i can hear and see him pulling in.
i whispered a prayer of thanksgiving that he was home in time to climb in the (unlocked) bathroom window. a fat girl trying to hoist herself into a tiny window would not look too hot from the road, of this i'm sure.
spice is in the bathroom and as i lift the window she yells, "HI!"
josh rescues her.
he eats lunch with the girls, lays them down for naps and has to jet.
the next three hours are spent with the girls not sleeping and me trying to do our taxes. i've done our taxes myself on turbotax for the last three years. this year is different because we have an hsa account. it's completely screwed me up and ticked me off.
didn't help that my girls wouldn't sleep, either. i decided to take a bath and turn the fan on in the bathroom to drown out the sound of my children. yes, i'm that great of a mom. then i fell asleep in the bathtub. i don't recommend this unless wearing a life jacket while you bathe.
josh called to inform me he wouldn't be coming back after he loaded pipe as originally planned because he needed to have something fixed on his truck and we spent time on the phone talking about our taxes and me crying because why-the-heck-can't-i-do-THEM!?
i finally (at around 4) sent a text to my husband requesting a straight jacket for my birthday. i also requested it in size 37x because it should fit just right by the time my birthday and i roll around.
he sent another one back asking if i'd like to meet for dinner at the golden arches and starbucks.
uh, duh.
i realized i should probably get dressed. i put on a pair of jeans but they wouldn't button or zip and i realized i'd need a long hoodie to cover that fact up.
then i let my kids out of the prison of their bedroom and slung 'em into the car.
no coats or socks.
in fact, they were still wearing their jammies.
i picked my husband up at his boss' house and we headed to mcd's. i didn't realize he wanted to go in and he didn't realize the kids wouldn't be dressed. tis a good thing my van is an absolute disaster right now and has almost our entire house in it because he found enough clothes for both girls.
but i didn't want to get out.
i hadn't brushed my hair.
or my teeth.
or put on deodorant.
and if i lifted my arms too much someone was bound to see my jeans weren't buttoned or zipped.
so, he left me in the van.
and i panicked.
i sent out an sos over facebook asking for prayer because i was needing it quick.
josh took the girls into burger king instead (mcd's was having fundraiser night and was completely packed) and i could see the three of them sitting in there together. i wanted to be with them. but i was so angry. i don't even know at what.
i was also embarrassed because hello, i was acting like a four year old.
i pulled the hood up on my hoodie, got out of my van, walked across the street and joined my family for dinner.
then told my husband i should have my tubes tied because i'm not fit to be a mother to two children, so what have we been thinking considering more?! seriously, that was our conversation over dinner.
we headed to starbucks afterward and by the end of our 90 minutes together my mood had lifted and we were laughing and enjoying being together.
spice fell asleep on the ride home so she went straight to bed.
sugar and i played a couple games of candyland and then it was off to bed for her. in her prayer tonight, get this, she thanked the Lord for our great day.
she must be nuts like her mom.
what started out as a decent day quickly went downhill. the crazy thing about it, i don't know when it happened or how it happened. i just know it happened.
josh was supposed to come home last night.
didn't happen.
not his fault. just truck life and never knowing from hour to hour what's going to pan out.
then spice decided to lock herself in the bathroom while i was on the phone with my sil. i quickly hung up (sorry, treena) and called my husband as i headed outside to see if the bathroom window was unlocked.
"where are you?" i asked as i was climbing on our a/c unit outside to reach the window.
"about to pull in the driveway, why?" as he's saying this i can hear and see him pulling in.
i whispered a prayer of thanksgiving that he was home in time to climb in the (unlocked) bathroom window. a fat girl trying to hoist herself into a tiny window would not look too hot from the road, of this i'm sure.
spice is in the bathroom and as i lift the window she yells, "HI!"
josh rescues her.
he eats lunch with the girls, lays them down for naps and has to jet.
the next three hours are spent with the girls not sleeping and me trying to do our taxes. i've done our taxes myself on turbotax for the last three years. this year is different because we have an hsa account. it's completely screwed me up and ticked me off.
didn't help that my girls wouldn't sleep, either. i decided to take a bath and turn the fan on in the bathroom to drown out the sound of my children. yes, i'm that great of a mom. then i fell asleep in the bathtub. i don't recommend this unless wearing a life jacket while you bathe.
josh called to inform me he wouldn't be coming back after he loaded pipe as originally planned because he needed to have something fixed on his truck and we spent time on the phone talking about our taxes and me crying because why-the-heck-can't-i-do-THEM!?
i finally (at around 4) sent a text to my husband requesting a straight jacket for my birthday. i also requested it in size 37x because it should fit just right by the time my birthday and i roll around.
he sent another one back asking if i'd like to meet for dinner at the golden arches and starbucks.
uh, duh.
i realized i should probably get dressed. i put on a pair of jeans but they wouldn't button or zip and i realized i'd need a long hoodie to cover that fact up.
then i let my kids out of the prison of their bedroom and slung 'em into the car.
no coats or socks.
in fact, they were still wearing their jammies.
i picked my husband up at his boss' house and we headed to mcd's. i didn't realize he wanted to go in and he didn't realize the kids wouldn't be dressed. tis a good thing my van is an absolute disaster right now and has almost our entire house in it because he found enough clothes for both girls.
but i didn't want to get out.
i hadn't brushed my hair.
or my teeth.
or put on deodorant.
and if i lifted my arms too much someone was bound to see my jeans weren't buttoned or zipped.
so, he left me in the van.
and i panicked.
i sent out an sos over facebook asking for prayer because i was needing it quick.
josh took the girls into burger king instead (mcd's was having fundraiser night and was completely packed) and i could see the three of them sitting in there together. i wanted to be with them. but i was so angry. i don't even know at what.
i was also embarrassed because hello, i was acting like a four year old.
i pulled the hood up on my hoodie, got out of my van, walked across the street and joined my family for dinner.
then told my husband i should have my tubes tied because i'm not fit to be a mother to two children, so what have we been thinking considering more?! seriously, that was our conversation over dinner.
we headed to starbucks afterward and by the end of our 90 minutes together my mood had lifted and we were laughing and enjoying being together.
spice fell asleep on the ride home so she went straight to bed.
sugar and i played a couple games of candyland and then it was off to bed for her. in her prayer tonight, get this, she thanked the Lord for our great day.
she must be nuts like her mom.
Monday, February 01, 2010
His Laugh
Every once in a while, but not too often, I'll let myself really think about my dad.
Like, really think about him.
Tonight is one of those times.
These 10 and a half years without him have made it hard to remember things about him. And tonight I find myself panicking about it.
One of my favorite things about my dad was his laugh.
Tonight, I realized that I can't hear it in my head anymore. I used to be able to play it over and over if I wanted to. Tonight I can't.
Oh, my heart hurts.
A few months back we were at a harvest party for Josh's company and there was a guy there who had hands just like my dad. Hands that worked but were perfectly manicured. That guy probably thought I was crazy because I kept staring at his hands all night.
I've mentioned before that a couple of years ago I saw a guy from the back who looked exactly like my dad. Same build, same stance, same bushy hair coming out of a baseball cap. I wanted to run up and hug him.
That woulda been awkward.
I'm sad to have this memory of my dad, his laugh, gone from my memory. I've emailed a girl whose family was very close with my dad for many years, asking if they have any home videos of him that I could borrow. Is that silly?
Even sillier, will you pray they do? And that they'd loan them to me?
I'm kinda missing him right now.
His laugh the most.
Like, really think about him.
Tonight is one of those times.
These 10 and a half years without him have made it hard to remember things about him. And tonight I find myself panicking about it.
One of my favorite things about my dad was his laugh.
Tonight, I realized that I can't hear it in my head anymore. I used to be able to play it over and over if I wanted to. Tonight I can't.
Oh, my heart hurts.
A few months back we were at a harvest party for Josh's company and there was a guy there who had hands just like my dad. Hands that worked but were perfectly manicured. That guy probably thought I was crazy because I kept staring at his hands all night.
I've mentioned before that a couple of years ago I saw a guy from the back who looked exactly like my dad. Same build, same stance, same bushy hair coming out of a baseball cap. I wanted to run up and hug him.
That woulda been awkward.
I'm sad to have this memory of my dad, his laugh, gone from my memory. I've emailed a girl whose family was very close with my dad for many years, asking if they have any home videos of him that I could borrow. Is that silly?
Even sillier, will you pray they do? And that they'd loan them to me?
I'm kinda missing him right now.
His laugh the most.
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