I have family coming over in about an hour. My aunts and their families, my mother, my grandmother and my niece and nephew.

My aunts are twins and are only 6 years older than I am, so I've always felt they were more like cousins or sisters to me than my aunts.

I love them dearly.

It's been quite a few years since they've been to my home. Back in the day when Sarah just wasn't the best housekeeper. If I remember correctly I was a lil panicked when they came over, trying to get everything that was on the floor of all the rooms shoved into one room and try to get that one room's door closed.

It was exhausting living that way. It really was. It's hard work being lazy!

This morning was completely different. I knew they were supposed to be here some time around three. I made some brownies, shoved some chicken and bbq sauce in the crockpot. Not the crock pot, just my old one and then I've just been lounging around reading a book my SIL loaned me.

Josh came home for lunch and I told him it feels nice yet weird to not be scrambling about trying to get everything ready.

It's amazing how just keeping things picked up here and there saves so much time later on. I'll actually be able to enjoy my family rather than stress the whole time.

Except now I'm stressed I don't have enough chicken for everyone.

Trying to remind myself that Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves of bread and two fish.

But I'm not Jesus.

So, I'm a lil nervous.

On a brighter note...who has slept in her crib the past two nights?!?!?!

Alison!!! Woo hoo!!!!

If I had seen us on our walk tonight

I probably would have thought we were the "All American Family."

Kristie gave us a double stroller this weekend (thank you a million times over, Kristie!) so tonight we put it to use. We loaded up the girls and Shadow in our little car, drove into town, parked the car and then walked about a mile or so.

I was pushing the girls, Josh had Shadow and all was right in our world.

It was fun. We had a good time. It was nice to put all our worries aside for a bit and just enjoy each other.

Jaylee wanted out of the stroller after awhile and decided she should walk Shadow. He's so good with her. He kept her out of a puddle. He walked slower with her than with Josh. And when she'd tangle them up in the leash, he'd stop and wait patiently for her.

They were cute.

Ali enjoyed herself too. She was awake for part of the walk but then fell asleep.

Tonight she's sleeping in her crib. I don't care how much she cries tonight, she's sleeping in there!!! (yeah, I know...we'll see how long I last, huh?!)

Why I'm not Bloggin' Today.

Okay, so my last coupla posts...I'd say sorry. But, I don't want to be sorry. This blog is definitely something I do to stay connected with family and friends and uh, "friends in the black box" but it's also an outlet for me.

And spilling my weak heart about my dad, well, was cheap therapy for me. I shut the comments off on that post because I knew no one would know what to say and I didn't want anyone to feel they had to say something.

That day actually wasn't too bad. Better than most years I've had. Year five was the worst. I went and got a tattoo, ya know, "in memory" but basically it was my selfish imaturity shining through.

So, Wednesday, I was mostly bored. I refrained from going out to get a tattoo this year. :) Josh was up at Mt. Rainier spandexing with a bunch of friends, my house was clean and my children were well behaved. I didn't have much to do. Why does it sound like I'm whining about having nothing to do?!?

I put on my Big Girl Panties and realized that, yeah, he's gone. But he was here for a reason.

And I think I tuck two of those reasons into bed every night.

Private Notes

That I guess aren't private since I'm posting them. :)

Amber-Thank you for offering to come over.

Debby-Thank you for your sweet words.

Mindy-Thank you for calling to see how I was doing.

You guys are the bestest in the westest. Well...not you Min, guess you're the bestest in the southeastest. :)

Nine Years

You are forewarned, I may get a wee bit sentimental.

Wow. It's hard for me to believe it's been nine years. Nine years since Josh and I were in San Diego on our first vacation. Nine years since my mom called to tell me my dad had drown in the Yakima River.

It was so surreal. I remember going to the airport and asking if we could get on an earlier flight (we weren't set to leave for two more days) and when the girl at the desk asked what our reason was, I remember just blurting out that my dad had just drown. She quickly looked away and that was just the first of many times I'd shock people with the way my dad died.

We arrived in Seattle and still had a three hour drive home. I just remember thinking, "this can't be happening. He's only 40." Josh and I didn't talk much on that drive home.

What was there to say?

I wasn't ever extremely close to my dad, but the last year he was alive was the best for our relationship. I got to know him a little more. I got to see why he was so popular in our town. He was just a nice guy. Friendly to everyone.

And right now, as I write this, I'm mad. And I probably shouldn't be. There's no point in it. None. Being mad won't bring him back. But I'm mad anyway. Mad that he's dead. Mad that he wasn't there during some of the roughest years of my life. Mad that he didn't get to be there when Sugar was born. Mad that he didn't get to be here a couple of months ago when Spice was born. It just doesn't seem fair that he never got to meet his granddaughters.

I know, life isn't fair.

I hate that I still have days where it feels like the morning after it happened. I wake up and instantly remember...he's not here. And won't be again.

A few weeks ago I saw a man that looked exactly like my dad from the back.
I gasped. Literally, gasped. He had the same build, same bushy hair under his hat, same broad shoulders. It was the weirdest feeling. I was happy and sad all at the same time. I can't even explain it.

The cemetery where my dad is buried is not even half a mile from my house, yet I can count on one hand how many times in nine years I've been there. His headstone is there. He's not. So, I never see a point in going. But the part of me that wishes I had my dad to talk to when I've had a bad day or just had a baby, yeah, she wants to go sit and talk to that headstone.

I never have. But I think about it.

Often.

I miss him so much. Oh, how I miss him. I used to pray that the Lord would give me just one more day. Just one. To see him. To hug him. To hear his infectious laugh. To call him Dad, since I never did. I called him Mark. Man, how I regret that.

He was really great. I just don't know of a better word to describe him.

After nine years, I still miss him as much as I did on July 24, 1999.

I WON!!!

This, I won this!!! I never win anything but I won this! I'm super duper excited. I won it over on Steph's blog. And if you haven't been over to her blog, hurry, go NOW!!! She's dedicated 2008 to using her slow cooker, everyday. EVERYDAY!!! The winners were announced yesterday, and by-golly, I was one of 'em! Thank you, Lord, for blessing me, thank you, Steph and the Crock Pot people, I'm thrilled. THRILLED!!!

More Pics of the Girlies

Jaylee reading some Curious George to Ali.
A rare picture of Jaylee with her mouth closed. :)
Ali and Mama. (thinking since I have more than one chin, I should name them.)

Really attractive, huh? Not sure what Jaylee's deal has been with opening her mouth for pictures. I'm not a fan.


The fishy dress is one of my faves. The striped dress was my niece's dress. I love it!

Ali in her cute jammies after her bath.

A Day at the Park

They all wanted to get on but once we put them there, they freaked.

My mom and my sister, Meg.
Uh huh, we're normal.
Lookin' a bit sassy.

We tried to get the kids to do, "Speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil" I think they did pretty good!

I'll Cry if I Want To

Argggghhhh!!!!

There just aren't words for my frustration this morning. But I'm sure I'll find some anyway.

This weekend blew.

And if I was a cusser, I'd use some cuss words.

Since the weekend blew and hasn't gotten any better, my Monday is blowing too. My coffee hasn't even helped me this morning.

Jaylee is a bit crazy. Luckily Alison is just going with the flow. Shadow is making me crazy, he thinks he belongs in the kitchen, at the table. I'm not a fan. And if he's not at the table, he's stealing food from it and running as fast as his arthritic limbs can take him.

The husband that I've been married to for 10 years...well, I'm just not even gonna go into that.

It's just not a good day I tell you. It's just not.

And yes, I know, I'm having a pity party. But it's my pity party.

Memories...

of you and me.

C'mon friends, play along. Ya know ya wanna.

The Directions:

1. Leave a comment on my blog. In the comment, recall one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you.

Kristie posted it and I followed suit....YOU should do the same-ola!

Quirky Meme

So, my socially retarded sister (long story) tagged me with a meme. Wish I knew what a meme was. Is it pronounced Me-Me? Or Meh-Meh? I dunno. But since it's six things about me, I'm assuming it's a Me-Me. I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish rule number three, seeing as how everything about me is spectacular.



Here are the rules of this meme:



1) Link to the person who tagged me.

2) Mention the rules.

3) Tell six quirky yet boring, unspectacular details about myself.

4) Tag 6 other blogger´s by linking to them.

5) Go to each person’s blog and leave a comment that lets them know they’ve been tagged.



And we're off....In no unspectacular order...



1. I cannot stand to listen to people chew their food. It makes me crazy. It's really hard for me to sit at the table when everyone is eating, especially cereal! This is a quirk about myself that I'm not a fan of.

2. I'm a South Paw (left-handed). My dad was left handed, my grandma's left handed and so is my cousin. I'm hoping Alison will be, too, since Jaylee is not. From what I've seen most left handed people have poor handwriting. My dad had amazing hand writing and I like mine pretty well, too.

3. I hate front doors. I have my grandmother to thank for this. When I go some place I've never been before, I panic that I won't be able to find the front door. My husband is so sweet, when he wants me to go somewhere for him, he'll tell me where to go and then he says, "the front door is on the south side..." He's great.

4. I don't like being a passenger. I know, it's retarded. But after the whole incident with The Assassin, I'm not the biggest fan of not being in control of the wheel. I'm okay with my husband driving or my FIL but other than that, I have to be the one driving or I have panic attacks.

5. I have a thing for numbers. My mom does, too. I can't get them outta my head once I hear them or see them. One time I had a number (4521673) running through my head. Couldn't for the life of me figure out where I'd seen or heard it...I looked through my wallet and found that it was my Bi-Mart card number, a card I use about 3 times a year. I memorize license plates and sadly I can tell you the phone number of the crush I had in high school. I never talked to him on the phone, but I know his number! To top it off, whenever we (my mom) move, it's preferable that the house number add up to an odd number. I'm saying too much now, aren't I?

6. I love to eat out. I never get tired of it. I love to cook but it's oh so fun to eat out. Whether it's drive-thru or sit down restaurant. I love it. The first year Josh and I were married I think I cooked maybe 10 meals at home, the rest we ate out. I didn't get to eat out much growing up and when I married Josh I felt rich, so I took full advantage of being able to afford going out to eat. We don't do it nearly as often anymore. Maybe 3 or 4 times a month.

Alrighty, now I have to tag some people. (I'm sorry)

Barb-sorry, I saw you were tagged for something but didn't see what it was...maybe you can kill two birds with one post!

Corie

Kailin

Kristie-I need to know some quirks about you so I can use them against you next week! :)

Liz

Cindy

Okay, there ya have it. Go check these ladies out. I love 'em all. My love for Cindy is now love/hate. She linked to a recipe that I can't get enough of...my butt is now twice as big as it was a couple of weeks ago.

and Cracker Jacks...I don't think they'll ever come back.

We had my in-laws over tonight for dinner. I experimented on them. My FIL had 3 helpings and my GMIL (grandMIL) had 2, so I'm going to go ahead and think that my experiment was tasty enough.

Maybe I should backtrack and tell you that today I watched an almost 2 year old little BOY. A boy, people. In my house. I don't know what to do with a boy! But he was here all day and he survived. There a came a point in our day that I had to change his diaper.

Yup.

A boy's diaper.

Jaylee is fascinated with the whole diaper changing deal. With Alison and then with this little boy.

She sees parts.

She asks what they are.

I tell her.

She already knows the names of parts, we don't call them funny little names, we use the big grown up terms because it makes me feel all sophisticated. :)

So...back to dinner.

After Jaylee is done, she's running around and yells at the top of her itty bitty lungs, "Mommy, you have a peni$!"

I wanted to crawl underneath the card table.

My MIL, trying to cover it up, "Yes, Mommy has peanuts." (Which I did not)

"No, peni$!"

Seriously, what am I gonna do with this kid?

The night of our Anniversary

This is the Hott-ness I get to call my husband. Wondering what's up with his tooth? That'd be a skateboarding accident at age 8. He's coming up with a sermon on obeying your parents because of it. :)

Here's Ali with my SIL, Treena. They came up from Portland, heading to Spokane and stopped to see us for a bit. This was their first time meeting Alison. Thankfully she was a good girl!

Alison had her 2 month check up yesterday. She's gained 3 lbs in one month! I think I have too, with these dumb peanut butter bars I've been making. (tyvm Cindy) Alison is in the 69th percentile for height which Josh said will go down soon seeing as how she has no chance to be tall with a 5'2" mama and 5'8" daddy. Maybe she'll take after my dad and Josh's uncles...

She's getting to be an easier baby. Thank You, Lord! There have been so many people at church telling me they are praying for us. So thankful for those people.

Some things I just wish I didn't witness

One of them happened at this very moment.

Jaylee is sitting on our deck. Using the dog and cat's algae filled water dish to dip her toothbrush in and then proceeding to put it in her mouth.

YUCK, people, YUCK!!!

She is now brushing the neighbor cat's teeth, with her toothbrush. He's lying there, enjoying it.

Oh my heavens...

I had to take a break. She started to put the toothbrush in her mouth after it had been in Brain's mouth! (yes, that cat's name is Brain, not Brian.)

That toothbrush is now in the garbage. I almost gagged watching her. Each time I'd tell her not to do something with it, she'd find another victim.

Sick. Just sick.

These 10 Years

I've really been enjoying my book, Feminine Appeal.
I shared with you a few posts back about enjoying serving my husband, something I'm learning from this book.
A few years back, okay nine and a half years back...we were given a journal for a wedding gift. Inside the front cover were "rules" of the journal. It was something to write in to encourage one another, to resolve conflicts, just to say "I love you" etc. I was reading through past entries and my heart was broken.
See, for several years, I was only one who wrote in the journal. I thought Josh read it but never replied. The first entry was about three months after we were married and I wrote pretty often for awhile, then as I realized I was the only one writing, I got a little bitter. Okay, a lot bitter. And my entries stopped being about how much I loved him or missed him while he was at work, and became more, "why don't you do this for me, why aren't we spending much time together, etc."
Let me also tell you that during this bitter time I was not a good homekeeper. I wasn't working yet I filled my day reading books, going shopping, do anything I could so I wouldn't have to be at home. My husband would work hard all day and come home to a messy house and no meal prepared for him. He'd been serving me all day long and I couldn't give him a hot meal?
My heart hurts remembering my foolish, selfish, childish behavior. I'm so thankful that Jesus has helped me see that in myself and has helped me to overcome it. Mostly I'm thankful for His forgiveness of my sin.
A few years into our marriage Josh started driving a semi-truck and was gone Sunday night to Friday evening. I could've gone with him but didn't. (another post, another time) We spent even less time together. My love language is quality time, you wanna make me feel loved, spend time with me!
Since he was never home, I stopped feeling loved. Things went downhill. Again, another post for another time...
Back to the journal...
One day I found the journal and considered tossing it. Why keep it if I'm the only one writing in it, what's the point? But decided to look in it, one last time.
And holy moly!
He'd written in it!
Page after page he wrote. Pouring out his heart. He'd not just never written me back, he didn't even know I'd written in it! Didn't remember the journal. He apologized. He read all my entries and could see my heart change through them. He saw that I became bitter about how much he worked and how little time we spent together.
Rereading it yesterday, this is where my heart broke:
"Whatever I do with my hands, I do for you."
The first time I read it, it didn't really hit me. But yesterday, thinking back to all the years those hands of his have worked hard to provide for me, I was in awe of him. All those cold mornings he'd be outside rolling tanks at the gas company or the year he pushed a lawn mower 12-14 hours a day, or the couple years he drove truck, shifting gears, tarping loads of lumber, hay, pipe, etc. And now back at the gas company, back to rolling tanks in extremely cold weather. And then, I remembered the pictures I took from the other night, after he finished working on my car, in freezing temperatures.


These are the hands of the man who has provided for me for the last nine and half years of my life.
These are the hands of the man who goes into the bathroom, gets a brush, and brushes my hair.
The hands of the man who busts his knuckles repairing our rigs.
The hands of the man who cuddles, tickles, rocks and disciplines our daughter.
The hands of the man who hold me while I cry for no reason.
These are the hands of the man who has served me for the last nine and a half years, without complaint.
I think now is a good time for me to start serving him. I may feel almost ten years late but I'm not going to let my pride stand in the way of the next 50+ years I have of serving him.

**Originally published January 28, 2008**


I wrote that almost 7 months ago. Some things have changed. We now have two daughters that he loves and takes care of.

I wanted to show you again, the hands of the man who takes care of me. The hands of the man who has taken care of me for the last ten years.

There just aren't words, friends. I don't even know where to begin in telling you how amazing he is. Those who know him personally, know what I'm talking about.

He's just incredible.

He is the most selfless person I've ever known.

I was 18 when we got married. Barely 18. A girl with sooo much growing up to do. And he saw me through it all. He encouraged me and helped me. Loved me. Oh, how the man loves me. There are times when I feel that he doesn't but I remind myself of how he's stuck by me through "better or for worse" and there's been a lotta worse, let me tell ya!

He helped me through the loss of my dad just a year after we were married. Losing my dad was hard but it didn't really hit me until about 4 years after it happened and I had a breakdown over it.

Josh just held me. All my tears. All my questions. All my anger.

He just held me.

He's washed his own clothes. Made his own meals. Cleaned our home. Spent many nights, alone in his Peterbilt.

He waited for me to grow up. He waited for me to become a little less selfish. He waited for me to realize that the grass isn't greener. He waited for me to become a better keeper of our home and helper to him. He waited for me to realize how much he loves me.

Josh is funny. In his own quirky way. He is the king of puns. They're known as "Joshua jokes" in his family. Family members will call to tell us of their own "Joshua jokes" and he's always quite proud of himself. :)

Josh is known for stopping along the freeway to help anyone in need.

He's the one who gets called to help with this or that. For so long I was bitter toward that. That he would always rush to help anyone and everyone. Why it took me so long to appreciate that characteristic in him, I'll never know.

He holds the door open for me. He holds the door open for every woman, young or...not so young. He lets me order first at a restaurant. He's respectful to his parents. Josh is capable. Of anything. If he doesn't know how to do something-he learns. He always fixes our rigs. And with an '88 Accord and an '85 Suburban...he's fixing them quite a lot!

Without Josh in my life these last 10 years....holy smokes. I can't even imagine what kind of mess I'd be. He's helped me grow. He's made me a better person.

In our ten years together, we spent a few months apart...so I know what it's like to be without him. Those were the worst months of my life. I never want to know what that's like again.

I look forward to the next ten. I can't imagine what the Lord has in store for us.

And as for the gift part of our anniversary....

On Thursday I took Holley (our '85 Suburban) (yes, we name all our rigs) in to get the windows tinted. That was my gift to Josh. He had no idea I was having it done and was sooo excited when I drove him to Grandview to pick it up. I loved seeing the look on his face.

Utter shock.

On Friday we took the girls to my in-laws and then went out for dinner. While we were eating Josh hands me a card. In it he tells me what my gift is.

Money for new clothes!

I badly...sooo badly need new clothes. I really haven't bought much of anything for the last four years. Which wouldn't be a big deal but my weight has fluctuated quite a bit in four years (stinkin' babies, anyhow!) so, I was down to 1 pair of jeans, a pair of capris and a couple tank tops.

So, last night we left for Tri-Cities and went to the mall. I am now the proud owner of new clothes! Josh was so patient (he hates to shop) and the girlies did excellent. Yes, even Alison! :) We left the mall at 8:30, went to Red Robin for dinner, left there at 9:30, went grocery shopping and got home at midnight! Crazy night but so fun.

Thank you for letting me brag on my amazing man. Not that you had a choice, huh?! :)

Tomorrow is the big day!

Our 10 year wedding anniversary.

I'll be back later to oooh and aahhh over my man.

He's really the most amazing man.

And I'm blessed to be his wife.

This Beautiful Mess

The moment you've all been waiting for! (yeah, right!)



I recently read a book that has some controversy surrounding it, therefore, I'll not mention the title (if you've read it you'll know what book I'm talkin' about.) I'll save my review of the book for another post...


At one point in the book, the main character is standing in a garden.

"It was chaos in color."

"It was confusing, stunning, and incredibly beautiful."

Though the garden was a mess, it was beautiful. And come to find out-the garden was a representation of him.

And I loved that picture.

I love that even though I'm this amazing mess, I'm still beautiful in His sight.

The mess of my faith-how I daily, hourly even, fail to be like Jesus. I fail to pray. Or ask forgiveness. Or witness to others. I am a mess when it comes to my faith.

But He finds beauty.

The mess of my wifely-ness (totally not a word, I'm aware) So many times I put my wants and needs ahead of Josh's. I've failed him miserably. I've gotten better as the years have gone by (10 of them this Friday!!!) but so many times I've come up short as being the helper to my husband.

But He finds beauty.

Oh the mess of my mothering. So many nights after a day of mothering, I lay in bed and remember how I lacked patience, consistency, love, positive discipline, and the list could go on.

Again...He finds beauty.

And always, the mess of my relationships. Whether family or friends, I'm always failing in one way or another. I'm not available when I'm needed. I didn't say the right thing. I didn't have enough sympathy. I didn't call. I didn't write. I wasn't there. Again, the list is endless.

Still...He finds beauty.

I am a beautiful mess. I am a work in progress. Daily learning to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend that I'm supposed to be. Learning to do a load of laundry before I check my email, learning to not answer the phone when Jaylee is talking to me, learning to put another persons needs before my own.

But I fail. Miserably. Some days...no laundry gets done but lots of emailing does. Jesus doesn't love me any less because of it. He can't. He'll never love me any more or any less than He does right now.

In the midst of my mess, He's creating beauty.



So, there it is. My new blog name. Reading over what I've written bums me out, I'm just not able to adequately describe what "this Beautiful Mess" really means to me.

But this is a glimpse I suppose.

New Title Coming Soon!

I had said a few posts back that I was needing something new and thought I'd have to get a whole new blog to do it.

I was wrong.

Fancy that.

It took me the better part of the day to figure out the very little changes I did make to my blog yesterday. I like them. And am satisfied...for now.

But there's more change to come!

A new name!

A new name that is very personal and is very much me.

I'm excited to share it with you. I just want to wait until I can put into words for you exactly what it means.

My blog won't change. I'm still going to post a bunch of nonsense for you, in case you were worried I'd gone and got smert or something. :)

But the new name is a better reflection of what I feel I'm about and what I pray my posts are about.

Have a great day!

All the Laundry Would be Done

If not for a baby who spits up that which I feed her. (Seriously, why lift my shirt if she's just gonna splatter it all over my shoulder 2 seconds later?)

If not for a three year old whose BFF is DIRT.

If not for a husband who works outside in the hot weather and sweats all over his blasted clothes.

All the laundry would be done. And it would all be FAPA (folded and put away).

If not for the above trio.

Seriously.