A couple of nights ago I wasn't in the best mood.
I should have been.
Tons of work has been getting done around here and the other evening was definitely a productive time. But I was grouchy and so was Josh. And it's such a rare occasion for him to be like that, so when he is, it totally throws my game.
I was mad.
Partly at him.
Partly at nothing, just felt like being grouchy.
And I just felt - off.
And I just felt like there was something that could easily make me better.
My dad.
I wanted to call my dad. I wanted to drive across town. I wanted to pull in the driveway of my grandparent's place, with the shop where my dad ran his business and had a room he called home.
I wanted to go in there, plop myself down in the swivel chair and watch him work. I wanted there to be that ridiculous uncomfortable silence we always had. I wanted to talk to him about anything superficial. I wanted to listen to him talk football or Coors Light. Or about that girl he dated who called me a stick in the mud. I just wanted to be near him.
I wanted to see his smile.
And hear his laugh.
I wanted to talk to him about life.
I wanted my dad.
I just wanted my dad.
But of course that can't happen. Hasn't been able to happen for 12 and a half years.
So I went to bed upset. But was so emotionally drained that I didn't have much time to dwell on the poor me my dad is dead. And I quickly fell asleep.
Today.
Today while putting on my make up I felt a wrenching in my heart. And what very nearly felt like a physical punch to the gut. I was consumed with...with just a sadness. A sadness I can't fully explain. Just a holy crap, I miss my dad like mad, wish I could hug him just.one.more.time kinda feeling.
And I totally lost it.
Grief often hits when we least expect it. It just happens to be extremely inconvenient when it hits while you're applying mascara.
7 comments:
This summer will be 10 years since my dad died. I can't believe it's been that long since I've seen him.
Grief sucks. Sending love and prayers your way.
I'm so sorry you are hurting, Sarah.... : ' (
I'm so sorry Sarah Diane. Love you. Miss you. Praying for you.
Wow... 12 years later??
I'm new to the club. My dad died in August.
It's a bit different for me as I have moved a 9 hour drive/ state and a half away... so I'm used to not being around him. But there are times when I want to pick up the phone and tell him about something crazy going on in my life... or just to hear him laugh... get his advice.
I dreamed the other night that it was me taking him to the hospital when he was dying. (because I wasn't there in real life) The first time I dreamed about him. Gosh I was so happy to be with him even though he was dying in my dream!
Sorry for your grief. Keep the memories!
I'm so sorry :-( Sometimes you just need to take that time and have your moment. It's OK to be sad and feel that loss, whether it's 2 months or 12 years. We are human and we are fragile and emotional. The good part of that emotion is that it allows us to feel love and form bonds. Of course, the bad part of it is what happens at the worst moments...like when you're putting on makeup.
It's ok...it's been 10 years since I lost my Dad, and every once in a while I "just feel his presence..." I love it and enjoy it. I know your dad is watching over you too....
Sarah, I loved this post. Like a lot of your other posts, it's just honest and a bit gritty and well, that just appeals to me sometimes!
Yes, grief does strike when we least expect it. It's kinda like post-traumatic stress syndrome. And it strikes seemingly out of the blue. Thanks for posting about it.
I can totally identify with you here. I found myself nodding my head a lot through this post. Our first stillborn baby, Janie, has been gone for over 7 years now and sometimes, it really hurts!! Grief never leaves, it only recedes into the background.
Thank you.
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