this is when

My dad had the same birth date as Josh.

So on their birthday I'm usually busy preparing a birthday party for Josh to think about how my dad would be 50+ yrs old this year.

I used to be a wreck on the anniversary of his drowning.  But after some long overdue (like 11 yrs overdue) counseling I didn't cry on the anniversary.  Plus, on the last anniversary I spent that day with friends.

My days used to be spent thinking of him everyday.  For years.  I don't think that's normal but I've never claimed to be.

Through counseling though - I learned that it was okay to grieve.  I learned how to grieve.  And I healed.  Through healing I found a peace.  And through that peace I didn't have to think about him daily and live with regrets.

But it's on this day.

On Valentine's Day that I think of him.

When I was nine he started sending carnations.  Some years the note would read, "From, Mark" or, "Love, Mark" or, even bolder, "Love, Your Dad."

At 17 I received - for the last time - carnations and a little bear.  That year the card was, "Love, Your Dad."  Maybe because he knew I was getting closer to feeling comfortable calling him that (though I never did.)  The Valentine's after I turned 18 I was married and I wonder if he just didn't feel it was his place anymore to give me anything.

I don't know.

I do know that he made the day special for me - even if I didn't like carnations ;)  It was nice to know someone was loving on me and thinking of me.

My goal is to provide those happy memories for my girls.

Minus the carnations, of course.