A Rerun

I'm going to repost a post I wrote a few months back. Mainly for myself. But maybe for you, too.

I see a lot of the stuff I wrote about creeping back into my life. And I'm not pleased with it. Some out of my control (may talk about it later) and some, like the issue with my cell phone and trips to Wal Mart, that I can control.

This time of year, when I know I'm getting presents from my husband, I always want diamonds. Silly, huh? Yeah, I know. But it's true. And one year I got them. Waaay before Jaylee was born but I got them. And I love them. I love shiny stuff.

Like diamonds and new vehicles....anyway...here's my original post:

I have a confession to make. I don't always listen to Christian music. *gasp* I know, you're all horrified but it's the truth. I feel better now just getting that out there.

Okay, bye.

Just kidding! :) I'm silly, huh? Anyway...

On Saturday we were driving somewhere, thinking it was SMT, Saturday Morning Tradition, we've done this for almost six years, we get up early, go get coffees and sometimes donuts, come home and get to work on our house or lounge around and wait for someone to need my husband's help. This weekend it was me needing his help. I really want our junk room complete. Anyway...again. So, we're driving and Sheryl Crow starts singing "Soak up the Sun." Totally, love the song. Right now I'm trying to think of all the words to make sure I really want to state that I love the song, can't remember them all, so maybe I should just say I like the beat. I'm starting to ramble. I did have a point to this blog, for once.

"It's not about having what you want, it's 'bout wanting what you got." I almost started spelling it the way I hear it in my head..."Snot bout having wut you waaant, sbout wanting wuuut youuu gottt" Now, I did spell it the way I hear it. Please don't stop reading. I seriously have a point.

Somewhere.

That line of the song really resonated with me. I am so quick to want what someone else has. So quick. Sometimes it's something material, sometimes not. I have been getting better but when Josh and I were first married, eight and a half years ago, I wanted. And I wanted some more.

My husband wanted to please me. So, he gave. And he gave some more.

I wanted a Honda Accord, we got one. I wanted a newer one, we got one. I wanted a dishwasher, we got one. I wanted a beagle, we got one (free to good home btw) I kept wanting. And I was so selfish. I was so ignorant. So blind to see what it was doing to me.

To us.

It didn't stop when it came to the cars. In 2002 I decided I wanted a 2003 Mitsubishi Lancer. I got one. It was beautiful. It was red. It was mine.

It was ridiculous.

We almost had to file bankruptcy because the payments were almost $400 per month. We were so stressed. We were miserable. I felt like I was drowning. Looking back it reminds me of the Veggie Tales movie with Madam Blueberry. She shopped at Stuff Mart and she always wanted more but each time she got more, she still was not happy. That was me.

Honestly, it's getting better. I truly believe it's a heart issue. I was not walking with the Lord. I wasn't seeking Him out, wasn't asking for His peace. I was just living for myself. Trying to fill a void.

Oh but I was so empty.

I'm not saying everything is perfect now. It's definitely not. I told you at the beginning I still covet. But I'm learning to repent of it, I'm learning to want what I already have. There was so much stress in the "stuff" that I had or did. So, I started eliminating it, a lot of it cold turkey.

1. My cell phone
2. Credit card debt
3. My car, it was paid for but we sold it to pay off debt. And, the reason it was paid for...instead of filing for bankruptcy, we remortgaged our house to pay it off. We will always be so thankful to my Uncle Eric who suggested that to us. Otherwise, well...I don't know what would have happened.
4. Daytime TV, no more soap operas!
5. Unhealthy friendships
6. Wal Mart, I used to go there a few times a week. Not for anything inparticular, just to go. I always left with at least $30 worth of stuff. Now, I don't go there at all. It's literally saving me hundreds each month.
7. Coffee. Oh, this was so hard to cut down on. But now, instead of 7-8 times a week, we go twice. Once on Wednesdays between noon and 3, because it's double punch day and 50 cents off each drink and then on Saturdays for SMT. This is saving us close to $200 per month.

I'm sure there are more things I could cut back on, but for now, this is where I am.

The relief that I feel being happy with what I have is amazing. It feels good to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not scared to check my mail. I'm learning to be okay with going to the mall and not walking out with a brand new pair of Lucky jeans, but oh how I miss them!

I've been blessed. I love my life. I love my husband. I love our daughter. I love our house. I love our '85 suburban, even tho' she didn't want to start this morning!

I think the Lord wants to see what we'll do with what He's already given us before He'll bless us further. Does that make sense? It does to me. I've really felt Him telling me that lately.

Sorry this post is so long. It was just really on my heart on Saturday and we were gone all day yesterday so I didn't get a chance to talk to you.

I pray you have just the best day today.