"It's only Kindergarten."
If I had a dime for every time someone said that to me before we started this school year, or even during, I'd be a wealthy chick.
Well, this only Kindergarten deal?
Proves to be too much.
I've failed.
And I'm okay with admitting it. In fact, I feel so freed up by it. Tears of relief stream down my cheeks right now. They've been coming down for 2.5 hours.
I quit.
I'm done.
No more.
At least not after this school year. I called the Christian school in town. I found out tuition for next year. At this point I don't see how it's possible for us to send her to private school. It would be about $500 per month. But with home schooling not being an option anymore and public school definitely not being an option, changes will have to be made to our budget so that Sugar can go to school.
I'd say that sending her to school is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done but right now I feel like home schooling is the hardest thing I've ever done.
I tried.
I did.
But I didn't do a good job. I can't continue on like this. It's not fair to Sugar. She's a smart girl who needs a teacher that is structured and patient, smart and encouraging. She needs a teacher who - get this - knows how to teach. Go figure, huh?
I'm not that teacher.
She deserves better.
So next school year I'll get that for her.
I wrote this last Friday morning. It's been a few days and I've backed away from my ledge of insanity I was about to jump from.
Friday was a really rough day. Friday night wasn't much better. We drove to Richland to look at some tires for Josh's Suburban and on the way I told him I thought we should move to the Tri-Cities. He looked at me like I had two heads.
"There's more options for schools for the girls."
He shook his head.
Conversation over.
We didn't get the tires. We did get groceries. And we did get home really late. We put the groceries away in silence. I was ready to just go to bed, my day had been long and so emotionally exhausting.
"We need to talk," he says.
So we talked. Mostly I talked. I let it all out. How I feel like I suck at pretty much anything that has to do with my life. My faith, my wifeliness, my mothering and, my homeschoolishness.
Was telling a friend it'd be nice to just go away for awhile.
The response I got, "okay, Marie Osmond."
Totally cracked me up.
I remember when she did that. When she took off and drove. And I remember thinking she was so selfish. How could she up and leave her family?
Funny how you judge someone til you've walked a mile in their flip flops.
I'm not going to up and leave.
{at least not at the moment}
Instead I'm going to keep trudging. Through this life I'm living. This life I know I'm beyond blessed with.
I'm going to keep home schooling my kid. Even though I feel like I suck at it.
I'm going to keep being a wife to Josh. Even though I suck at it.
I'm going to keep being a mother to my children. Even though I suck at it.
'Cause it's gotta get better, right? I mean, I don't think I can get any worse.
11 comments:
I'm an elementary school teacher in a private school, Sarah. I absolutely believe in homeschooling, but I know it's not for everyone. I also strongly believe that some children will thrive more in a classroom environment than they will at home. Only you can know what is right for your child. I will keep you in my prayers as you make a school decision for your children, and if you ever want to run ideas by a teacher, send me an email. I have a master's degree in elementary education and child development and I love teaching.
I quit homeschooling 3 years ago out of necessity. I wish i hadn't and at the same time I'm glad i did. It's hard to feel so torn about something and feel like no matter what decision you make it's gonna be the wrong one. I'm sure you're a much better teacher than you think. Just the fact that you are concerned about it and your commitment to do what is best shows you are a loving, caring mother. I wish you the best in whatever you do next year.
one of these days, you're just going to have to give yourself some credit!! really! you deserve it! you don't have to wait until you're perfect at something or 'the best' in order to pat yourself on the back. i can still remember the list of the things that YOU taught your girl this year! (Go read it, and add to it!)
And.... your husband knows the words 'we need to talk' and then he USED them, and then he LISTENED.... while you talked...
(fascinating. let's give him some credit, too, as long as we're at it because that is miraculous)
I am so sorry you are having such a difficult, decision making time, Sarah. I know all about the feelings of inadequacy as a homeschool mommy. I question myself all the time on whether I am doing my kids a service or whether I am hurting them in the long run. Ultimately God is in control and He can make whichever (homeschool or private) a blessing/good thing for you and your family. Just give it over to Him. I love ya, and wish you the best. : ) You are not a failure though. Just remember that this is a lie that the enemy would love for you to keep believing. You are a beautiful, talented, Princess of God. ((Hugs)) Mary
I know I'm a public school teacher and I obviously have a bias. But have you ever thought seriously about public school. It's not as bad as you think. In fact, it has a lot of things going for it that I won't go into here because we'd all be here for days. Maybe you should just check out your neighborhood school. What can it hurt? You might hate it. Then again, you might find a warm, nurturing environment full of professionals who care about their students and their achievements and children who might not be exactly the same as your kids, but who give a global perspective and a chance to get to know and love someone new. Think about it.
Sarah, I'm on the council for my local home school group, of over 500 families. We've participated in co-ops, done activities, and in short met hundreds of home school families over the years. I don't remember ever hearing a mom say, "I think I'm really good at homeschooling."
You can feel like your good at a job because at some point every day you walk away and go home. Homeschooling is so tied up in being a mom, and most moms feel inadequate.
God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. If he has called you to homeschool, he will give you what you need. As believers, we are weakest when we say, "I can do a great job here. I'm on it." We're strongest when we say, "God, I'm in over my head. You've got to take over." It's the paradox of the Christian life.
If you need to talk, IM or e-mail, I'm around today.
Right on Jeana! I have no clue who you are.
Oh, and Sarah, it could get worse. Let's hope it doesn't.
I'm sorry it's been hard. I know that you want what's best for your girls. And you and Josh are the only ones who can decide what that is...home/private/public.
I've definitely felt the pressure from other moms to homeschool, but my husband and I prayed about what's best for our family and we chose a different option. Nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with homeschooling.
Whatever you decide, I pray that you'll have peace about it and be able to entrust your girls to the One Who made them.
Oh, and I have to chime in again to agree with Giordi above. It's true--public school can be a wonderful option. There are some amazing public school teachers. Absolutely amazing people who love teaching and who love children. You definitely might be surprised by your local public school.
I know you will make the right decisions. And QUIT beating yourself up ok? I am one of those, whose kids DID go to public schools. I KNOW YOUR CONCERNS. We also have Principals and teachers in our family. I worked in the Public School system (transportation.) Then, once my children were graduated, I moved into management and began hiring/training bus drivers. Working/or volunteering in the school is a great way to monitor your childs success. I ALMOST chose homeschooling at a time when my son began having issues (which turned out to be Add.) But, if it weren't for the teachers support and helpful information, I don't think he would have graduated and gone on to find his passion (Heavy lift helicopter pilot.) I'm sure the teachers would have killed him first! Ha! Just kidding!.... I think every parent, whether they Home schooled, Private or Public, has doubts that they are "doing it right." Unfortunately, no one will know that, until their children are grown and settled. It's at THAT time, we are able to see our results and rewards. Personally, I felt that it was better for my kids to have that break from me and learn structure and to follow instructions from "someone else" just like they will from a boss someday. AND, I was more refreshed and ready to tackle the homework with them at the end of the day because I felt better about myself. I FIRMLY believe a parent has to be happy with themselves in order to raise well balanced (and prepared) children. I saw many types of students, from many types of homes. But, we could always TELL the ones who came from a supportive, balanced, loving home life. THAT'S what will make your child a success, in or out of public schools. I
We homeschooled and then public schooled and then private schooled and now we are back to homeschool again. This is the number one thing I can say...what is the Lord telling you to do? God told us to put our kids into public school (a very specific school) and we really thought we were going to homeschool all the way through high school. We had a very horrible, unthinkable situation happen there and we pulled them. They were there for almost 2 years.
This is what I know. God is going to lead you as you seek His will for your children's education. As we got back into homeschooling I broke down because I didn't "feel" capable. It made me press into Him more and He has showed me that it is not by my own strength, but Him through me. He makes us strong through our weakness. This goes for being a wife, mother and homeschooling. I feel exactly how you feel if not worse almost everyday, but as I lean into Him the peace comes and the blessings flow.
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