Sometimes I'd like to see myself the way he does.
We've been together nearly 15 years now.
He's stuck by me through a lot of muck.
A lot.
That must mean there's some good about me then, right? When I have days like I did yesterday I wonder why he takes me in his arms and holds me tight. I wonder why he orders me to sit at the dinner table so he can serve me. I wonder why he offers to rub my back.
I wonder why he stays.
And I wonder this often. More often than I care to admit. Yesterday I was feeling extra sorry for me. Yesterday I was feeling extra sorry for Josh. I feel so unworthy of him. I feel he deserves so much better than me. He'd be so much better off with someone not so crazy. Someone who can get out of bed and make breakfast for him. Someone who can face the laundry pile without feeling overwhelmed. A woman who can bake a pie from scratch. A mother for his children who smiles always and loves hard.
I sat.
I wanted to cry.
I couldn't. Emotions are still dammed.
Then, just when I would need it. Just when I'm feeling my lowest of lows yesterday I open an email from a friend I love so much.
She says: "You are worthy of that guy."
Only God could have planned that. There was no coincidence of me feeling crappy and Linda sending those words right then.
I'm worthy of that guy.
I am worthy of that guy.
I don't know how many times I'll need to say it before I believe it. I don't know how many years of him coming home to me daily after work it will take for me to believe it.
But I'm going to try. I'm going to just try.
Because apparently he believes I'm worthy and that's what matters.
3 comments:
Oh Sarah, this gave me goose bumps & brought tears to my eyes.
I wish I could write on my blog as openly & honest as you do. You are an encouragement to me.
I'm loving that you received that letter just when you needed to hear that the most!
I wonder where you got the idea that wives are supposed to make breakfast for their husbands. I seriously don't know anyone who does that. I also don't know anyone who doesn't feel overwhelmed by a pile of laundry.
Sounds like he really, really likes you! :-)
This is a beautiful and honest post.
in the reflection of those sunglasses is a beautiful woman in the sun, right by his side on a day off.
i can't imagine why that man (or any man) wouldn't like that. : )
Post a Comment