Summer's over.
Strangely the weather 'round these parts is getting warmer.
It's been a strange season - this summer. And not just the weather but this season of my life.
None of it I'm proud of. Well, besides the fact that I've survived it. We've survived it. My husband, my kids. Myself.
I've hardly written and when I have, it's been meh. I've been awful at keeping up with our lives. I'm just trying to survive my days. I'm just trying to make it to bed time. When I think about writing stuff out - I sigh. Do I really wanna journal these days? Do I want to remember them? Do I want to write about my poor decisions, my selfish heart, the yelling, the laundry pile, the kids who haven't had a bath in a few days, the husband who continually gets up in the mornings alone to make his own breakfast?
Do you really want to know this crap? Do I want to remember it years down the road?
I just don't think so.
The last few days, though emotionally and physically taxing - have been good. My heart and my mind are going a thousand different directions at once - but it's good. I know it doesn't make sense. Without throwing up the inside of my thought process I know it's difficult for anyone to understand. I just think that after several months of fog, I have a bit of clarity going on.
The fog is lifting.
The weight is lifting.
I'm hopeful.
In the midst of myself. My failures...and oh, there are so many...I have hope.
I can't change the bad wife and mama I've been for several months, I can't get that time back and do it better. I can only do better from here on out.
So. Even though life is about to get so very full with a new year of home schooling and our first season of soccer for Sugar, I do hope to blog more. Whether it's good...or bad. I'll lay it out here.
4 comments:
So, so very glad you're feeling hopeful.
I understand about feeling "meh" and life being messy lately. You may have witnessed some of that messiness yourself last weekend.
Ahem.
I love your blog and I love you.
Well, I'm glad to see an update from you and I'm very glad you're feeling good.
Good luck with the start of school!
PS I just had a conversation with my husband about homeschooling our kids. Surprisingly, he was into the idea. We'll see...
what the heck?? Really, honestly -- if you were to chronicle the entire moment of every day can you really say you were a bad mom and wife? For reals? Cause if you can say that with all honesty, that must mean we all pretty much suck eggs when it comes to our families.
I could go on and on. Last week I worked 64 hours. Do you think that left any time for my family (especially time that wasn't grumpy?)?
So who is worse? Me or you? You make the effort to home school your kids!
See? You are comparing yourself to some idealistic role model that quiet frankly, doesn't exist. Do you love your husband and kids? Obviously! God calls us to do the best to our ability, nothing more. Can we strive beyond that? Yes, but that doesn't mean we are miserable failures because we didn't meet the goal.
ARGH! I could go on and on. From what I read on your blog, you are NORMAL! That doesn't mean we all can't do better, but don't let the devil condemn you. Just do your best. On the days where you don't do your best, try again the next day.
ok. sermon over. Love your list for school days BTW.
Glad you are getting your "groove" back. The best thing about these bad times is that you know they can get better.
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