I'm stressed.
Exhausted.
Weary.
I really just want to get in my rig, grab Starbucks, turn up the radio, turn on my heated seats -
and drive.
I want to throw my cell phone out the window along the way.
I want to pull myself together - alone. I want to wage war against myself - alone. I want to let tears that I've dammed up for months - free. I want to look in the mirror and not loathe the person that stares blankly back at me.
I want to be able to pray.
I want to say yes where I said no. In turn, I want to say no where I said yes.
I want to smile without faking it.
I want to feel deserving of the man who goes to work each morning with a smile on his face, crow's feet at his eyes, stubble on his chin. I want to feel deserving of the muscled arms he throws around me when he comes home. Those rugged hands that hold my idle ones - I don't deserve his tenderness.
And the children. Those beautiful girls I can hear playing upstairs right now - I want them to remember me as loving. Kind. Patient. Silly.
Their biggest hero.
I want freedom from this. This mess of me.
I want Jesus to come quickly so I can quit screwing everything up. I just want to go Home already.
Is that just me? I don't think it's just me.
Okay. Done.
Words written. Emotion on screen.
I think I'm ready now to face this day.
5 comments:
If you can be open enough to show us your silly side (which I think you do) then I'm positive your girls see it too and will remember you that way. :O)
~Laura
I understand more than you know.
ugh! so sorry you are feeling this way!! praying!! Love you!!
Well Sarah Diane, I love you. You are a lovely person. Feeling the way you do is a detriment to the happiness and love you are surrounded by. It's such an attack on you and your family. It's such an awful thing to feel, but you have such potential lying inside of you that the enemy feels he should impede it by attacking your self-worth. You are an awesome mother and your girls love you to death. There is no way anyone could say you aren't silly. Your girls see you as everything you hope they do and more. You are a hero to many Sarah Diane and I am one of them. I love you.
P.S. You aren't the only that feels that way. I feel that way almost everyday, it's just easier to talk to you about your than it is to look at mine :)
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