Bear with me, I'm long winded today.

I've really been enjoying my book, Feminine Appeal.

I shared with you a few posts back about enjoying serving my husband, something I'm learning from this book.

A few years back, okay nine and a half years back...we were given a journal for a wedding gift. Inside the front cover were "rules" of the journal. It was something to write in to encourage one another, to resolve conflicts, just to say "I love you" etc. I was reading through past entries and my heart was broken.

See, for several years, I was only one who wrote in the journal. I thought Josh read it but never replied. The first entry was about three months after we were married and I wrote pretty often for awhile, then as I realized I was the only one writing, I got a little bitter. Okay, a lot bitter. And my entries stopped being about how much I loved him or missed him while he was at work, and became more, "why don't you do this for me, why aren't we spending much time together, etc."

Let me also tell you that during this bitter time I was not a good homekeeper. I wasn't working yet I filled my day reading books, going shopping, do anything I could so I wouldn't have to be at home. My husband would work hard all day and come home to a messy house and no meal prepared for him. He'd been serving me all day long and I couldn't give him a hot meal?

My heart hurts remembering my foolish, selfish, childish behavior. I'm so thankful that Jesus has helped me see that in myself and has helped me to overcome it. Mostly I'm thankful for His forgiveness of my sin.

A few years into our marriage Josh started driving a semi-truck and was gone Sunday night to Friday evening. I could've gone with him but didn't. (another post, another time) We spent even less time together. My love language is quality time, you wanna make me feel loved, spend time with me!

Since he was never home, I stopped feeling loved. Things went downhill. Again, another post for another time...

Back to the journal...

One day I found the journal and considered tossing it. Why keep it if I'm the only one writing in it, what's the point? But decided to look in it, one last time.

And holy moly!

He'd written in it!

Page after page he wrote. Pouring out his heart. He'd not just never written me back, he didn't even know I'd written in it! Didn't remember the journal. He apologized. He read all my entries and could see my heart change through them. He saw that I became bitter about how much he worked and how little time we spent together.

Rereading it yesterday, this is where my heart broke:

"Whatever I do with my hands, I do for you."

The first time I read it, it didn't really hit me. But yesterday, thinking back to all the years those hands of his have worked hard to provide for me, I was in awe of him. All those cold mornings he'd be outside rolling tanks at the gas company or the year he pushed a lawn mower 12-14 hours a day, or the couple years he drove truck, shifting gears, tarping loads of lumber, hay, pipe, etc. And now back at the gas company, back to rolling tanks in extremely cold weather. And then, I remembered the pictures I took from the other night, after he finished working on my car, in freezing temperatures.


These are the hands of the man who has provided for me for the last nine and half years of my life.

These are the hands of the man who goes into the bathroom, gets a brush, and brushes my hair.

The hands of the man who busts his knuckles repairing our rigs.

The hands of the man who cuddles, tickles, rocks and disciplines our daughter.

The hands of the man who hold me while I cry for no reason.

These are the hands of the man who has served me for the last nine and a half years, without complaint.

I think now is a good time for me to start serving him. I may feel almost ten years late but I'm not going to let my pride stand in the way of the next 50+ years I have of serving him.