cry baby sarah

*edited at the end of the post*

my appointment to find out the results of my mri is in 90 minutes.

i was going to put on make up just now and decided against it.  if he tells me i need surgery, i'm scared i'm going to break down and cry.  i don't want my make up to run.

mostly i don't want to cry in front of him.  remember, this is a guy i see on a weekly basis, a guy we ride with.  i don't want to look weak.

okay, more than i don't want to cry in front of him, i don't want him to tell me i need surgery.

it's not that i'm afraid of surgery.  i'm not.  i had the town's best general surgeon do my appendectomy and hemicolectomy and now i'd have the town's best orthopedic surgeon working on me.  it's not the surgery.

it's the recovery.


i've worked my butt off for the last nine months.  i feel like it's all going to go to pot now.  i know the work wasn't for nothing, i know that.  it's just frustrating that after so little time i'm going to have to start over.

the swelling is almost completely gone but now it hurts.  it hasn't hurt all week til now.  well, it's hurt when i'm up on it but mostly, i've not had any pain til last night.  i didn't sleep well.  it just ached.

and right now it just hurts.

i'm wearing my fancy boot.  i'm thankful my jeans fit over it.

my fil is taking me to my appointment while my mil watches my girls.  thankful for family.  so thankful.

sorry for whining.  i know i'm blessed like crazy.

i'll update this post later today when i know what's going to happen.

happy freaking friday, friends!

UPDATE:

*so, i don't have much for news as far as what action will be taken, but a little more news as to what i did to myself.  i have a CT scan in 90 minutes. the mri report was three pages long.  THREE PAGES LONG.  in Doc's words, "you did a number on it." the inside of my ankle is sprained (you can see the bruising, hurts like a mother today.)  there's fluid surrounding all of my ankle.  there are three ligaments coming off the outside of your ankle bone (i think that's what he said) and the middle one is the one that stayed intact and pulled bone off bone, the front one i ruined.  also, 'cause the rest of that is not enough, i dropped my heel.  i really don't know what that means other than, "HOLY CRAP!"  results from CT on Monday.

all i gotta say is, at least i did this having fun.  it wasn't just an "oops i fell" moment.  it was a "i was having the time of my life with my family and friends" moment.  i'm sad it happened but not sad how it happened.  i'd redo the day over again in a heartbeat even knowing the outcome.