Bananas and Zucchini

Note: The post title has nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell you. I just decided I needed a random post title.

My entire body still hurts.

My abs hurt from all the laughter from the weekend.

Particularly from the laughter on Saturday.

The H fam was here for the weekend and on Saturday the 1o of us loaded up in two rigs and headed to Richland to go play in the water. We have access to a really fancy boat.

And we thought it'd be fun to go tubing.

Tubing with a 25 hp fishing boat.

Throughout the day, Josh and Jim took the kids in pairs out on the water. While two of Jim and Emily's kids were out in the water with the dads, the other two of their kiddos were busy entertaining mine. Then, they'd switch. Boat ride to playing with the little girls.

In my next life I'm going to have a set of teenagers to take care of my younger children.

If I believed in a next life where it was possible to have teenagers take care of my younger children...

It wasn't supposed to be very warm. And it was supposed to be pretty windy. So naturally Emily and I left our suits at home and did not plan to ride in the boat.

But, it wasn't too windy. And, it was pretty danged warm.

We decided we should just go out in the boat and go tubing - darn it. Clothes and all. Jeans and all.

I was the first to tube. When getting into the tube it looked as if someone were trying to gracefully place a hippopotamus in the tube.

Friends, there's just no graceful way to get a hippo to do anything.

Let alone trying to get a hippo into a small tube.

But, there I was. In the tube. And the adults had to position themselves just so in the boat so that the 25 hp engine could get me outta the water.

It was fun. It was three days ago.

My body is still sore.

My abs got the work out of a lifetime as well.

When Emily suggested the two of us ride the tube.

Together.

random insert: josh just called and asked what i was up to. i told him i'm trying to blog about our tubing experience. his response, "there just aren't words."

There aren't.

There was a whole lot of laughter though. Trying to get us both in the tube there came a point I was on my back and couldn't right myself.

"I feel like a turtle."

I actually said those words.

"I feel like a turtle."

And then I almost peed the jeans I was wearing. The jeans that had basically become an anchor because they were soaked and heavy.

After many minutes we somehow were in the tube.

Together.

And the poor boat couldn't get us up. And somehow I made us fall in.

And then I made Emily hold my hand because I didn't want to float away alone. We got back to the tube and Emily showed super human upper body strength and got back on the tube.

She got back on!

And she pulled me on too! She was my hero!

But the boat still couldn't get us up.

And we fell off again. And we drank a whole lot of river water.

The boys finally gave up on being able to get the tube out of the water and they called us back in.

It was now time to get back in the boat.

The fishing boat, remember?



Do you see a ladder anywhere? Me either. Because I don't have super human upper body strength like Emily has, my husband had to brace himself in the boat and pull me up. Um, I weigh more than he does so I'm not sure how - a miracle of the Lord, obviously - but he pulled me up in the boat. Another miracle of the Lord is that my jeans did not fall down to my ankles.

My underwear might have but I'm not telling.

And then Emily got in the boat. And how she makes getting in the tube and in the boat look graceful is beyond me but I don't think it's fair.

Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Fairness?

No? Oh.

We got back to shore. Their kids had kept my kids alive near the water. While having fun with the adults in the boat my thoughts tended to drift to my girls. The devil is oh so good at trying to make me live in fear of my girls drowning. {first time visit to my blog? my dad drown in '99. the end}

The kids had fun.

The adults had fun.

It was time to load every sandy body into the rigs. The daddies and the kiddies fit perfectly in the Suburban and Emily and I fit perfectly in the van. (Remember that part about life being fair? The dads with all the kids, the moms with none of the kids equals fairness. Dontcha think?)

We blasted the heat.

And we took off our wet pants.

And then we went through a Zip's drive thru.

With no pants on.

The End.

{Love}

Thanks, Em.

School Routine Round 1

On Monday we began implementing a little bit of the new routine that will be happening once school starts next Tuesday.

It will be subject to change...of course. We'll see how it goes once school is actually going.

So far, it's goin' a little like this:

Sugar is up at the crack o' dawn, usually around 6ish (Why, Lord, why??).

We eat breakfast around 7:30ish.

Curious George is on at 8.

At 8:30 she's to get dressed, make her bed and brush her teeth while I clean up breakfast dishes and pour myself round number 37 of coffee.

Though we haven't started yet, 9 am will be the approximate time we sit down and start our lessons for the day. We should {haha!} be done around 11-11:30, just in time to make lunch.

Depending on how the three of us do - Spice will be at the table with us - we'll probably have a run outside and wiggle out some of the crazies around 10.

Seems easy enough, right?

As I schedule this out and make plans, I laugh. Nothing ever goes according to plan. Not ever. If this schedule doesn't change at least 3 times I'll be shocked. I feel better going in with a plan, though.

Now I just need to find my denim jumper and apple earrings.

Being Normal is Completely Overrated. Having Fun is Not.

One of my favorite things about my husband is that he's always up for anything.

Often it's his idea to put the wild in hair.

Wait. What?

Nevermind.

Last year over Memorial Weekend he took our big speakers (like 70's big) and put them out on our deck to blast the radio on our deck. We (as in my mom, sisters and myself) stood on our picnic table and sang a little Queen at the top of our lungs.

Good times.

Almost three weeks ago my mom and Megan were coming over for the evening to eat (duh) and watch Leap Year (good flick).

It was a beautiful evening. So, Josh decides we'll watch the movie outside on our deck by the fire. He brought out the tv, dvd player and our 70's speakers. Of course it wouldn't be complete without the bench seat from the Chevy pick up or the driver's seat of a Peterbilt.

We roll Redneck.

Or is it White Trash?

Of course we had to wait until it was dark to start the movie, so there was a little bit of singing. And, maybe just a little bit of ridiculousness thrown in there too.

It's what we do best.



I wish I could remember what song they were singing. I just remember them looking for the nearest "microphone."




Since we had seats from two different types of rigs (Chevy and Peterbilt) why not pull out a steering wheel from a couple of other rigs? I mean really, why not?

First we went this way...


And then we went that way...




Then Mom got to drive. For a minute. We couldn't let her drive for too long seein' how she had a beer by her leg.



I took my turn behind the wheel. A different wheel I might add.




Apparently we witnessed a horrific accident.

It was almost time for the movie. But not before a little see no evil/hear no evil...





I'm not entirely sure what that last picture is. I just know my stomach hurt from all the laughter and I was ready to just sit back and watch the movie.

It was one of those nights where I was loving every minute of my life.

Crazy and all.

Dressed for Success

We start school a week from today!



We're getting pretty excited around here.

Even more so that our first week of school is planned out. {huge.sigh.of.relief!}



Jim and Emily were here overnight from Friday to Saturday. Jim left with Josh for a few hours and while the men folk were outta the house Emily kicked my butt into gear and made the decision for me that we were going to get my first week of school stuff - organized.

Armed with a pen and Post-Its {God bless the Post-It} we went through my huge ol' binder to find out exactly what was needed for week one. We pulled all books, CDs, etc that would be needed for Days 1-5.



It didn't take us long at all! Why I've been putting it off is beyond me. I'm so thankful for a {pushy} friend like Emily. The entire time she was so encouraging (and probably thinking I'm nuts for taking on this curriculum for Kinder.) Her excitement and sweet words left me feeling like I could actually do this!



On Saturday Josh and I went out to dinner. Over a pizza and Blue Moon we talked about our school schedule, what our new routine will look like, etc. We also talked about his involvement as well. We're all really excited about this.

Like, really excited.



And we're actually ready!

*she wore this outfit out in public today. she can say a lot of things about how i mothered her, but she can never say i didn't let dress her own way.

Statuses? Status'? Statusi?

Without a Facebook account there's no place (except for right here, in list format) for random blips about what goes in our house.

It hasn't even been 12 hours since I deleted my account and I have slew of status updates:

"Sugar, I love your blue eyes and your cute nose." "Mama, you have a big nose, but it's good to sniff with."

The husband and I were kinda fighting yesterday. I went out and bought him a new starter for our Suburban. He came home with a Pumpkin Spice Latte for me. We both laughed.

Josh worked late last night. I fed the kids. Bathed the kids. Put the kids to bed. Got them settled (with a little help from a wooden spoon threat) and then he walks in the door. They fly outta bed and he winds 'em up chasing them around the house for 20 minutes. At least I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte to enjoy...

Got carpet samples yesterday. Between the three I chose, the one I want costs double the one in my price range. Big sigh.

Spice picked her own outfit today. A pink sweater, a skirt, a green sock, an orange sock and her sister's tennis shoes. She's rockin' some style today, folks.

Amazingly no one died last night without me posting these updates to Facebook.

I think we're all going to be okay.

So much for putting the fun in funeral

I have no sitter for my youngest today.

The funeral for my grandpa starts in approximately 20 minutes.

I had planned to take Sugar but Spice...well, Spice is my wild card. Sometimes she's an angel and other times {read, most times} she wears horns. ☺

A funeral isn't really a place to test out which Spice I'm going to get.

So, home I stay.

Right where I belong.

End of a Season

If we're friends on Facebook, you know how often I'm there, what I had for breakfast this morning (Pumpkin Spice Latte), the latest antics of my two year old and when I'm headed to the grocery store or asylum.

I don't know how long I've been on Facebook, a coupla years? More? I dunno.

I love it.

I love sharing the random stuff of my day. I love reading the random stuff of your day.

But I think it's time.

The Facebook season of my life was/is fun. However, I'm going to be entering a very busy season of my life soon and I want to make sure I'm devoting as much time to that as possible.

I've also been neglecting my blog. And if I have to choose FB or my blog to put my time into, I'd rather it be my blog.

Pretty sure that I'm going to be very sad this evening when I hit delete. But it's time.

I'm {mostly} ready.

I'd love to have you come back and read what we're up to right here.

In two weeks

Two weeks from today we begin our home school journey.

*gulp*

I've been nervous about it for approximately....five years. More so in the last five months. Because I realized it was time to get serious about it and because Sugar was resistant.

"I'm going to go to school. I'm going to wear a backpack and ride the bus. My teacher will teach me and then I'll come home to you."

That's an actual statement she made to me a few months back when we were talking about Kindergarten. She asked me who her teacher was going to be and the above statement is what I heard after informing her that I would be her teacher.

I dropped the subject. I didn't want to push her about it. I know my daughter well. Then her fifth birthday was getting closer and people would ask her if she was going to start Kindergarten. She'd nod but not say much.

But it opened the door to start talking to her about it again. And again I told her that she'd start school at home.

"But I don't want to."

I kinda froze. Then I remembered a few little girls that she loves that are home schooled.

"Honey, did you know that Emily is the teacher to Rachel and Beth?"

"She is?!"

We talked about it some more and she was finally okay with the fact that she wouldn't be riding a bus and leaving home to learn.

In just the last couple of weeks she's been getting really excited. Asking me daily if we can start school yet. I told her that once she starts school she has at least 13 years ahead of her and we can just wait a few more weeks.

Part of me is waiting because I haven't lesson planned for our first couple of weeks of school.

Part of me is waiting because I want to hold on to her just being my little non-school-aged kiddo. There's no going back once school begins. I totally get that I can't prolong the inevitable. Yet I see nothing wrong with waiting to start school until after Labor Day and enjoying these last few weeks of summer with my little girls sans school schedule.

After a gazillion mixed reviews on curriculum choices we purchased a curriculum that I believe will be really good for our family. It's very thorough and has a structured flexibility to it (follow me on that one?!) that I'm looking forward to.

It's going to rock for our family.

One thing I'm most excited about? Buying school supplies.

my FuNkY heart

Maybe it's coming off the weekend high.

Maybe it's the fact that it was freezing in my house this morning.

Or maybe it's just my life.

But right now I feel FuNkY.

This time of year just gets me, man. Always.

Today is laundry day. It's also catch up on the house because I've been gone for nearly three days day. It's clean the deck outside because it looks awful day.

I just can't seem to motivate myself indoors. I mowed the backyard this morning. I washed the outside of one of the windows in the living room. I've changed a couple of diapers. Thankfully Sugar made sandwiches for herself and her sister while I was out mowing (huge surprise!) because I didn't even have the oomph for that.

I'm distracted.

I admit it.

There's a lot going on.

On the inside.

My heart. My flesh. My heart. My flesh.

{big sigh}

I want to curl up in bed and wake up next Monday.

On my mind

A weekend of scrapbooking begins tomorrow night. Pictures, paper, embellishments, adhesive, snacks, Kristie, Treena, and my mother-in-law. I'll leave tomorrow night. My mom is watching my girls for the day on Friday until Josh gets home and then I'll be home Sunday. Two entire days to scrap, talk, and stare at all the snacks.

Weight loss. I'm down 6.5 lbs. For four years I was 135 lbs. I hated it. Until I gained 15 more this last year. When I look at pictures of 135 I realize it wasn't so bad. I just compared pictures of me at 135 with pictures of me at 115. I think I'll be happy with 135. My goal is to reach that by mid-September. I'd love to lose more but a little at a time is my goal right now. I'm not doing any fancy diet. I'm just more aware of my food intake and I'm trying really hard not to eat after 5:30 pm.

My sister Erica.

Laundry. I've been naughty. I've been washing it, drying it and watching it wrinkle in the clothes basket. Shame on me. I got up early to fold Mt. FAPA. The girls have put away their own clothes, now I just need the towels, dish cloths and mine and Josh's clothes to find someone to put those away.

Expectations. Realizing I still need to lower the expectations I have of myself and my kids. It's such a process. None of us is perfect. Everyone has quirks. But we need to love people in spite of them and hope to be loved in spite of our own.

Country music. I love it. I have for 16 years. But I'm thinking of giving it up. I always think about giving it up. Maybe it's time.

Poor decisions.

Victoria's Secret. I walked in, found what I needed and walked out with $45 less than I went in. Takes big money to hold big...well, nevermind.

My marriage.

My friendships.

The water the dog let drip out of his mouth after he left the toilet bowl. Ew.

Finding a new home for said dog. Seriously, I'm totally done with him. He's neeeeeeeddddyyy. (don't worry Min, he's safe. but if you wanna come get him.....)

Laundry. Oh, did I mention that already? Prolly because I still have more to FAPA and the washing machine just chimed letting me know another load has been washed for me.

It seems all my posts end because I either have laundry to FAPA or a lawn to mow. It's time to hire someone to do these things for me. I'm ready to kick back with a Blue Moon and a good book.

It's {only} Kindergarten

Kindergarten starts for Sugar in less than a month.

I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't skerd.

Before Sugar was even born Josh and I knew that we'd be homeschooling our kids. Yes, us. The ones without a college education. We know it freaks people out. Heck, it freaks us out. But, right now, it's what we feel called to do.

I have the curriculum. I have the kid. Most importantly, I have God. I know I couldn't do it without Him.

I've voiced my fears a couple of times to a few people only to hear, "remember, it's just Kindergarten."

I always wanna respond, "uh huh, what's yer point?" (i'm gonna rock home school with my grammar and spelling, huh?)

However, I don't respond that way. I take in what's said.

I remember only two things about my Kindergarten year: my first friend, a boy named Peter, and falling asleep on the bus everyday on the way home from school.

While the two memories I have of that year are fond and funny memories, I want Sugar to have many more. I'm so so so looking forward to this time with her. I'm also looking forward to seeing how much Spice will pick up as well. She's observant and loves to listen - it's the whole holding still thing we need to work on.

To me, it's not just Kindergarten. As if Kindergarten is no big deal. Kindergarten is a big deal.

It'll be our first year to truly make a pointed effort in teaching/learning. Yes, yes I should have been making a pointed effort long before now but that's the way it often goes with a firstborn. They're the guinea pig. (I'm a guinea pig, I'm okay with it)

It'll be learning how to get Spice to pay attention too.

It'll be getting up early each day. Having a routine.

It'll be sticking to a commitment I've made.

It'll be a process of learning. Not just about adding or subtracting. Or geography or science. But about each other and how to work together.

It'll be learning to be patient. For Sugar and for me.

It'll be one, fat, beautiful mess.

And, I think I'm ready for it.

you know, mostly.

{pffft}

august makes me antsy.

i don't know why.

i guess i partly know why.

the beach is soothing.

5 hours is not enough time.

my hair is frizzy at the beach.

and at home.

i missed a call on my cell phone this morning from a number i don't recognize.

that drives me nuts.

i miss people.

i hiked in flip flops yesterday.

my husband thinks i'm weird.

i tried to kill a spider last thursday night with a salad fork and spoon.

my blog will get a new look soon. hopefully soon.

right, Denise?

i know i change the look of my blog often but i can't help it.

i'm not a good mom.

i feel bad for my girls.

my pasture needs to be mowed.

i mowed the front lawn already today.

the girls and i went to the park.

i took them to a town where the gun fights are less and i could feel a little safer.

we didn't stay long because i'm not a fan of bratty kids and oblivious parents.

i know what i'm making for dinner tonight.

i lost 4.5 lbs last week.

i'd love to do that for another 4 weeks.

okay, the pasture really needs to get mowed.

i'm going.

to mow the pasture.

right now.

no, really.

i am.

The Night I Got in Trouble....and a list {but of course!}

I have the world's best blog readers and friends.

Thank you for loving on me over this post. My husband is handling it, which means I don't have to, which means I should probably stop eating chocolate and blaming it on the stress of how to handle The Situation of the Not So Nice Email.

Can we do another random post? "But you just did a random post on Monday!" I know. But it's the way my mind is working right now.

Think it.

Write it.

Do it.

Check it off.

Sometimes (but don't tell anyone) the order goes a little like this:

Do it.

Write it.

Check it off.

That way at least one thing gets done from the list. Hey, it makes me feel better.

So, Thursday list day. Here goes.

I'm currently in a state of panic. We'll officially be starting Chaos Schoolhouse in our home on September 6th. Yep, curriculum is purchased, it sat on the floor of my living room for 2.5 weeks until I opened it, smelled all things book and then boxed it back up! Then I waited another week to shelve it. Those boxes and everything inside make me a bit nauseous. How is it that Sugar is ready to start Kindergarten?!

We had set a goal of having our upstairs remodel done before September. Excuse me a sec - hahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, what lofty goals. What foolish, foolish goals. I was hoping (key word here) that the bedroom we're in now (which is also the laundry room) would be made into a classroomish kind of place. Not that we'll do school in there but I'd love to have a place for all the books, papers, straight jackets, pencils, crayons, etc.

Last night I faced reality.

It's not going to happen.

Besides this weekend we only have one more available weekend to work on it. I had posted on FB that we'd like people to come over this weekend to help if they felt so inclined. I had a taker! And then I told my husband, "hey, Honey! Guess what!? Ted and Kristie are going to come help on Saturday, can you believe it?! AND, she's bringing me a bread machine! And you think all the time I spend on Facebook is for nothing...."

Then he quit talking to me.

{big sigh}

Apparently you shouldn't advertise that you're needing help when *ahem* you don't need help.

So, we'll be working on our house on Saturday. But we don't need help. Nuh uh. We got this one covered. Uh huh...

I thought I had more to add to my list but my state of panic pretty much sums me up at the moment.

It's consuming me.

I Choose

In May (or was it June?) of last year I received a very hurtful email.

From a "friend."

This person read my blog. Was someone I saw weekly. Spent time with. Thought I could trust.

One very warm afternoon as I pulled into the Costco parking lot, I pulled out my iPhone to check my email real quick and was excited to see an email from my "friend." Turns out I need not be excited but thankful that I was sitting down. She trashed me. She thought she was being helpful, I think. But really she just trashed me. Mostly, she trashed my beliefs.

And that's what really got me.

Most of you know I struggle with feeling down. Easily. Often.

Too often.

I beat myself up regularly. It's kinda like brushing my teeth.

Except that brushing my teeth is just a twice a day deal and beating myself up can often be an all day thing. What I'm saying is, is the negative thoughts I think toward myself is like second nature to me.

Always has been.

I fear it always will be.

I got another email.

Another email trashing me.

From someone closer.

Every thought I think about myself was confirmed in this email.

I know I'm fat but to have someone tell you that you are...wow.

There just aren't words.

To have someone throw your past in your face. The past you've tried to forgive yourself for, the past you've asked forgiveness for...owie.

To be blamed for something you're not responsible for...it's almost too much.

To be lied about. An out and out lie...a big one. One you can't defend, one you can't prove to not be true...I just don't even know what to do with that.

Last night I was sick. In my stomach. In my heart. We went to my in-laws, a place I love to be, and I just couldn't focus on my time with them. Today I went there to apologzie to them.

There's not going to be a response to the email I was sent. Because there's just nothing I can say.

My husband said he'd respond for me. That he would take care of it. I cannot tell you how loved and treasured I feel knowing I can let this go.

It's not going to be easy. The words were hurtful. So direct. So hateful.

But, I've been forgiven much.

I will forgive much.

Mondays are for Lists....and Laundry

Happy Monday!

Can those two words even be in the same sentence?

Sure, why not?

How about a random list? It's Monday. And Mondays are all about making lists...at least that's what I do on Mondays.

At 7 am this morning I spilled a glass of milk in the fridge.

At 8:30 am I got dressed in the kitchen. I have no idea why, I just did.

I have a whole lotta laundry that needs to be done. First thing in the washer should be the towel used to clean the milk from the fridge.

Said goodbye to my nieces yesterday. Made my heart hurt.

Faced my fear of water on Saturday and went tubing. The day after the 11th anniversary of my dad drowning. I was proud of me.

Now every muscle in my upper body feels like I've been hit by a truck.

I may wait another 11 years to go tubing.

My neighbor's dog barks all night. And craps in my yard all day. I'm pretty much sick of it. They've been great neighbors for the five years they've lived next door so I don't know how to approach the situation. But SOMETHING must be done!

It's supposed to be 102 in our town today. 101 tomorrow and Wednesday and high 90's the rest of the week. Hello, Summer, I was wondering when you'd get here.

Asked my husband last night if there's anything about our new budget that he doesn't like. There isn't anything. We both love it.

Sugar is looking at the Kindergarten curriculum boxes that have been sitting in the living room for a couple of weeks and announced she's ready to start school. Glad one of us is.

We have five zucchini plants in our garden.

We're morons.

We also planted pumpkins. A bit early. If you'd like Halloween in August, we're your people! Pumpkins should be ready at the end of the month.

Again, we're morons.

The laundry pile hasn't started washing itself yet.

I'm beginning to wonder if my writing this post is playing into that.

Okay, random post complete.

My laundry pile needs me.

{for the first time in 11 years} i'm not going to lock myself in the bathroom and cry

It's now been 11 years since my dad died.

11 YEARS.

Doesn't seem possible.

When I was 11 he was still sending me carnations on Valentine's Day. I was still going to his house on occasional weekends. When I was 11 our relationship was still awkward. Something that would never change.

I feel like I'm the most emotionally healthy I've been on this icky anniversary. Most years I can be found a wreck. Not publicly. But if you were to see me in the bathroom, slouched down on the floor, bawling...you'd see I was a mess. I don't see that happening this year.

It's not that I don't miss him.

Because I do.

I always do.

Everyday.

It's just that this year I'm learning to not let guilt eat me alive. I've always felt so guilty that I didn't make a point of seeing him more while I was growing up. Or calling him once a week. Or month for that matter.

I used to feel guilty for stuff that I realize I have no reason to feel guilty for.

I was the kid.

He and my mom could have worked something out for me to see him more often.

It just didn't happen.



I kinda hate that.

I wish so much that seeing him on a regular basis had been a priority to them. I know it wasn't always my favorite thing - going to visit him. Since our relationship was just...awkward. Still, he was my dad.

And I was his daughter.

I am his daughter.

He may be gone. But I'm a part of him.

I look like him.

I laugh like him.

I have a big nose like him.

I'm left-handed like him.

He liked beer...hey, I do too!

He was an amazing artist...and I can draw a stick person that everyone would be jealous of!

I have a dip under my chin - he had that also. I've passed it on to my youngest daughter. It's not the greatest thing to pass on...a double chin. But I like it anyway.

He loved to laugh. Me too.

He loved his friends. And so do I.

He lived with his parents for his 40 years of life...oh, guess the buck stops there. ☺

The other night we took the girls for a walk. The cemetery is almost directly behind our house...it's very very close. Yet, we've never taken the girls there. We walked to his headstone. Second row, 9th one over. The headstone is simple. Its him.

We tried to explain to Sugar. It wasn't easy but after a little bit she understood.

"So, he was my grandpa?"

"Did he love me?"

"Did he hold me?"

These questions broke my heart. He never held her. Never got to love her. Oh, but he would have. I just know it!

I think it was good to take them there. Even though it was hard.

I'm not someone who will ever make regular trips to the cemetery. I just won't. My dad isn't actually there. Just a headstone. But I realized that I don't like going there because it just reiterates the fact that he died. He drown. He's gone.

I won't see him smile or hear his laugh. There won't ever be another awkward hug. Though I'd take an awkward hug over no hug anyday. He won't ever hold his granddaughters or teach them to play softball. He also won't ever give them beer the way he did me when I was little!

These things make me sad.

For sure.

But I'm so thankful I knew him. That I have heard his laugh. That I have seen him smile. That I have his big nose...wait, did I just say that?

I don't want to dwell on the sad part.

I just want to be thankful.

to all the high school girls who don't read my blog

Maybe it's because I have my 14.5 year old niece coming to visit.

Maybe it's because it's mid-July and that always has me thinking that summer is over and it's time for school to start.

Or, maybe it's because I got to hang out with four of my best friends from high school last week.

And, just maybe it's a combination of all of 'em.

But, I've been thinking about high school. And my friends and I were talking about high school. And even though I don't wanna go back, some days I wish I could with a little hindsight tucked in my pocket.

My last day of 8th grade I moved 45 minutes away to another town. I was going to start high school at a new school. I'd been in that school district, though, for Kinder, 2nd, 3rd, part of 5th and part of 7th grade so many of the faces would be those I knew. I was excited and nervous all at the same time.

I wasn't excited about working hard to get awesome grades so I could receive scholarships. I wasn't excited about pursuing sports or joining clubs.

I was excited about boys.

Plain and simple. Boys.

I remember wondering if I'd see the boy that was my first friend from Kindergarten.

I remember wondering if I'd see the boy from church I'd just kissed on the fourth of July.

I remember wondering if older boys would like me.

Thinking back on it, I'm bugged at myself.

I had fun in school. I did. But I cared more about boys than grades. Cared more about boys than making lasting friendships. {I'm so fortunate my friends are still my friends!}

If I could change things about those four years, I would. I'd be okay with just being "one of the guys" instead of being hurt by it. I'd take back almost every single kiss I gave away.

I had two boyfriends in high school {three if you count Josh} but I kissed more boys than I have fingers to hold up. If a boy isn't going to be seen with you at school but will kiss you after he drops you off at home - drop him first.

If your best friend has a serious boyfriend and spends a bunch of her time with him - don't sit at home. Make more friends. Do fun stuff. Make memories. Take pictures. Write it down. Live it up.

Don't cheat in school. Especially if you sit in the front row. Especially when the teacher is your Cross Country coach and you have to see him after school. And just because the exchange student is German, doesn't mean you should have her do your German homework for you. You're still going to get a C.

Make time for your sibling(s). Sadly, many friends come and go; however, your sister or brother is for keeps. I wish so much I'd stayed home on more Friday or Saturday nights playing games with my family. I wish I'd invested in my relationships more so that we'd be close now.

Join sports. Whether you have a friend in that sport or not. Join a sport for fun. For something to keep you busy. TV, computer, phone calls they can wait.

If you're going to TP houses and get pulled over, have the TP hidden a little better so when the cop is asking if you have some you aren't trying to kick it under the seat as you say, "no, Officer, we don't have any toilet paper."

When you and that boy break up and he starts going out with one of your best friends four days later - be okay with it. Don't write her a nasty note. And don't pine for him for the next two years. He's not worth it. However your friendship with her - is.

Do the blasted school work! All of it. More than you've been asked to do. Study like crazy. Then study some more. Stop studying the boy who sits in front you and the boy who sits beside you. One of them is going to be a complete and total loser even at age 31. The other one is cute but he likes boys.

Obey your parents. Don't deceive them. Trust them. Be trustworthy. Ask your friends over to your house. Your parents are cooler than you think. Your friends are only there for the food anyway, they aren't paying attention to your mom being a goof. Okay, maybe they are but it'll give 'em something to talk about 16 years later.

Don't gossip. Don't be that girl. Judge less. You never know what a girl or guy's home life is like. Be a friend. Always. If you happen to be a teenage guy reading this {pfft} and your girlfriend's little sister comes in the house asking at the top of her lungs if food stamps buy candy - just smile. Maybe she'll buy you some.

Make decisions at age 14-18 that ten years later you don't regret. Don't do anything with a boy that one day you'll dread telling your fiance.

College is right around the corner. It's not for everyone. But work hard enough in high school that you can go to the college you want to go to.

And now I'm done.

For now.

Any advice you wished you'd been given? Anything you'd do different if you could go back to high school?

blah...blah...and blah some more!

::::Blogging MoJo out the window::::

i’ve come to realize that my chest-size… is very likely the reason my back hurts all the live long day.

i’ve come to realize that my job… has no supervisor, no paycheck but i work 24/7 with a whole lotta awesome benefits. even though i moan and groan about my "job" - i love it. wouldn't trade it.

i’ve come to realize that when i’m driving… i gots me a whole lotta road rage. people who drive here either don't have a license, insurance or a green card so they all drive 15 mph UNDER the dadgum speed limit.

i’ve come to realize that i need… to listen more, talk less.

i’ve come to realize that i have lost… my mind. should you find it, please return it asap. thanks so much.

i’ve come to realize that i hate… dog hair, bugs who eat my garden and living 3.5 hrs from my SIL.

i’ve come to realize that if i’m drunk… it's been a while since i've been drunk {i don't recommend EVER being drunk} but i talk too loud, laugh too much and usually make a fool outta myself. hmm...no different than when i'm sober!

i’ve come to realize that money… does not grow on trees, is best when budgeted and is something we have enough of to pay bills and buy the occasional Starbucks. (God Bless Starbucks)

i’ve come to realize that certain people… are nice, some are jerks and i probably fall into the category of the latter more days than not.

i’ve come to realize that my siblings(s)… they both make life interesting, for completely different reasons. i have a relationship with one and am oh so thankful for that. and i don't talk to the other, which i'm {sadly} totally used to after 26 years.

i’ve come to realize that my mom… is like no other mom out there. i just received a card in the mail from her, addressed to "Crap Bag" and i'm not even kidding. she's a riot.

i’ve come to realize that when i woke up this morning… i had a five year old little girl in bed with me.

i’ve come to realize that my first love is… a funny thing. when i think of my first love, i think of my first high school relationship because that was the first person i said "i love you" to. but my first true love? i've come to realize he's steady where i waiver, he's serious where i'm ridiculous, he's calm where i'm...usually not, he's at work where i'm...at the computer.

i’ve come to realize that right now i am thinking about… my niece coming to visit for a week. i've DREAMED of the day when i could have her all to myself and now i get the chance! thankful for a SIL that trusts me {and her brother i s'pose} with her firstborn for an entire week.

i’ve come to realize that my dad… lives about a block away, yet last night was the first time i've visited him in years.

i’ve come to realize that when i get on facebook… i stay a leeeetle bit too long.

i’ve come to realize that today… is house cleaning day and with so much of it done yesterday, today should be a breeze!

i’ve come to realize that my best friend... i don't know. but i'll found out soon. beyond...beyond excited.

i’ve come to realize that my spouse… doesn't communicate well. we need to work on this. maybe if i talked less he'd have a chance, huh? ;)

i’ve come to realize that i really want to… get another tattoo {thanks for reminding me, denise} lose 30 lbs, write a book and drink some coffee.

i’ve come to realize that life… is what i make of it on a daily basis.

i’ve come to realize that this weekend… is gonna ROCK.

i’ve come to realize that next weekend… i'll be camping with the in-laws...all of 'em! so excited.

i’ve come to realize that my children… need me. a lot.

i’ve come to realize that when life gives you lemons… put 'em in a pretty bowl with some limes and set them on your table.

thanks Michelle for the post idea.

I do the dishes now but he loves me just the same as the days he was doing them.

Sunday is our 12th wedding anniversary.

Twelve years.

At year six, I never would have thought we'd see this day.

Never.

That was the year we filed for divorce.

We were done.

Through.

Finished.

Tired.

Over it.

It's not a time we talk about all that often.

But I know that as soon as we started the divorce process - I was sad.

Scared.

Lonely.

Regretful.

Miserable.

Wrong.

I'm sitting here trying to remember those days. They were dark days. As much I love summer, I often find myself in my darkest days during the most daylight filled hours of the year.

I'd lay in bed and try to think of all the things he did that annoyed me. Tried to justify why we were apart. I'd lay there and think I wasn't worthy of him anyhow. More justifying on my part. I'd think about how he'd brush my hair at night before we went to sleep. And I'd ache in my heart. I'd think about how he'd forgiven me for every wrong doing. And the tears would slide down my face and fall into my ears.

I'd think about his smile. His laugh. His hands. Oh, his hands. I'd think about his generosity. His desire to help anyone and everyone. Putting everyone before himself. Always.

I'd think of all the times he did the dishes. Washed his own clothes. Folded his own clothes and yes, put away his own clothes. He packed his own lunches. Made his own breakfast. And cleaned the house.

How in the world could he want me? Why in the world would he want me?

But he did. He does. For reasons that I'll never understand - this man loves me. He loved me then and he loves me now.

I'll never understand it.

However, I'll be forever grateful for it.

Happy Anniversary, love of my life. Thank you for loving me every day. Thank you for your patience with me as I continue to grow up. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for the life you provide me. Thank you for understanding my addiction to Starbucks.

And thank you for brushing my hair at night.

Hello

It's been a bit since I've blogged.

I've been reading your posts. Just not writing my own.

I'll update later. Right now I have sleeping children so I'm going to sit down with a book and enjoy some peace and quiet.

xoxo,
Sarah

me

random stuff ya never cared to know...

i'm left-handed.

i love orange.

and red.

my hair is naturally curly.

and unnaturally frizzy.

i tan easily.

i love that.

my teeth are crooked.

i hate that.

i love to cook.

mostly i love to eat.

it shows.

i didn't get my first real job til i was 23. how lame was i?

i miss being a barista.

which reminds me, i love coffee.

i'm short. like 5'2" short.

i like it.

always thought i'd marry someone tall.

my husband is 5'8". ☺

growing up i wanted five kids.

then i had kids.

i love the rain. mostly the smell.

i need sunshine, though, or i go a lil loco.

i want another tattoo. i have two. but three is a better number. don'tcha think?

my next plane ride WILL BE to tennessee. oh yes it will.

i woke up at 1 am last night (this morning?) and couldn't sleep til 3 am. i decided to diet again. so today i only ate one cupcake instead of two. i should kick these 30 lbs in no time!

i weigh ten pounds more today than i did a year ago at this time. ho hum.

we're camping at mt. rainier this weekend and i've yet to pack, prepare, etc.

have i mentioned i procrastinate?

the worst ages of my life were 9, 23 and 24. you couldn't pay me enough to relive those years.

i really loved being 14, 15 and 16.. 5 was good too. and 25.

i love my birthday.

but i think you prolly already know that, huh?

in 30 minutes my husband will be home from work. he's going to wonder where his dinner is and why i haven't packed for camping.

think blogging is a good enough excuse?

the wednesday ramble of the crazy mama

It's 12:13 pm.

My girls are down for naps.

Spice is screaming her ever lovin' head off.

It's what she does.

It's just what she does.

I was told that by changing her foods and ridding her of all the things she's allergic to that she'd sleep better and her attitude would change.

Lies.

All of them lies!

Yesterday was a very bad day. I kept reminding myself of the words I wrote to myself.

And I kept thinking...

lies, all of them lies!

Supposedly these are the best years. Supposedly I'm going to miss this age they're in. Supposedly they grow out of the tears and the whining and the crying and the screaming and the hitting and the driving me crazy.

Supposedly.

(unless you're Joey, then it's supposebly)

The thing I wanna know though, if these are such precious years, why do I loathe them so? Why do I feel so defeated? Why do I feel like putting my head under the covers at 6:30 every morning in hopes they don't find me? If these are such precious years why do I go to bed crying almost every night because of something I said or didn't say? Something I did or didn't do? Why do I want to change my name from Mama to Princess Never Gonna Have Kids?

I'm not doing it right.

I'm failing at this mothering deal.

I'm pretty sure my last post was a bunch of BS.

I don't think I'm gonna be surviving the day, the week or the month. Heck, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it til dinner tonight.

I'm glad I haven't bought the Kindergarten curriculum for Sugar. Do I really think I'm going to be able to homeschool in the midst of this chaos? I should give the kid a break from all the screaming and hitting from her sister. Give 'er a backpack and put 'er on a bus!

Pfffft. Forget it. I'm gettin' myself a backpack and gettin' on a bus.

stat.

words i wish someone would tell me

Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone in your life who tells you what you need to hear.

Not what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

Right now, I don't have that someone. Maybe you don't either. So maybe these are words you need to hear, too.

This is only a season you're in. Seasons of life don't necessarily follow the seasons of weather. Just because it's summertime outside, does not mean it's summertime in your life; in your heart; in your marriage; in your parenting; or in your faith. But, just because you feel like you're in the deepest part of winter in so many areas of your life, don't give up.

Do you hear me?

Don't give up.

Your marriage is going to have its highs and lows. Your husband doesn't ask you out on dates not because you're unattractive or boring to be around but because he's a man and most of the time stuff like that slips their mind. He loves you. He just shows his love in his own way. Look for that way that he's showing you and enjoy it. You may need to take initiative and go the extra mile if you want time with him. I don't care if you're always the one to plan, plan some more.

The kids are wearing you out. You are counting the minutes until naptime and then counting the minutes until bedtime. This is just the way it is sometimes. But you ARE going to get through it. It's just not all happy, blissful, pretty and lovely every day. It can't be. You have to have those bad days so you can learn from them. Grow from them. And, so you can appreciate those good days even more.

The toddler will quit crying. Eventually. I'm not going to say it'll happen today, tomorrow or even next month. But she will eventually quit. She's going to get older and won't need you any less, she'll just need you in a different way. And, God will supply all your needs at that time, too.

Your little girl is changing. She's growing. Her birthday is coming and you're wondering where the years have gone. Did you love her enough, hold her enough, kiss her enough as a baby and toddler? Does she know how much you love her?

Yes.

You snuggle her and cuddle her still. You grab her and kiss her forehead, you smile at her, you tell her you're proud of her.

You're doing a good job.

Do you hear me?

You're doing a good job.

You haven't had a best friend in nearly a year. Those first weeks and months you weren't sure you'd survive the heartache. Some days, you still aren't sure. But, you're making it. You have friends who love you. Friends to call. Friends to email. Is it the same? No. But, "You don't ever have another best friend like that first one you have when you're old enough to know who you are in life." And that's okay. Memories are good. Pictures are good. They'll be enough.

You have to realize that as years go on and experiences are lived, you grow. You change. You move on and learn from those experiences. Sometimes you move on together and sometimes not. It doesn't mean you're a bad friend if the friendship ended. Enjoy the friendships you have now and stop dwelling on the friendship you miss.

Your house will always need something done to it. Always. You can get upset about it, fret about it, cuss about it. It won't change anything. Or, you can learn to love it no matter the state (of destruction) it's in. When the bare walls or studs or lack of floor drive you up the wall - choose to be thankful. After all, you have a house. Make it your home.

Things are going to be going well. Then you're going to hit a bump. Then temptation will rise. Cling to the Truth. And never, ever, ever look back. That grass, my friend...it isn't greener.

You don't have to decide right this minute if you're going to have more children. You're still young. The kids don't have to be such and such age apart. They can be two years, they can be 10 years. Just enjoy the children you do have in this moment.

You make excuses for not taking the time to read your Bible. Let me ask you this, are you being lazy? are you finding other - less useful ways - to spend your time? Do those dishes really have to be done right now? Do you really need to update your status on FB to let people know you're going to the grocery store? I'm guessing no. I'm guessing you're putting God off. I'm guessing He won't let you do that much longer. Just make the time. Five minutes reading your Bible and praying are better than ZERO minutes.

The dishwasher that's been broken since March? It's probably going to stay broken til next March. Your husband is busy. He's trying to make time for your children when he gets home from work. He's trying to get insulation put up in your kids' new room. You can do the dishes by hand. It's not going to kill you. Use that time to pray for your man, instead of feeling like you're not a priority since he hasn't fixed it yet.

Life is never going to be perfect. You're never going to have the perfect attitude all the time. Your hair will always be frizzy. You may never lose those 30 pounds. You'll never have it all together. The minute you think you do someone will fall and get hurt. Someone will throw a tempter tantrum. Someone will bring home three crusty coffee mugs from work for you to wash - by hand.

But, you're going to make it. You're going to make it through this day. You're going to make it through this week and this month.

You're going to grow from it. You're going to be stronger for it.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strenthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

Love your husband. Love your children. Love your life.

Right now.

Right where you are.

The Best Day of the Rest of My Life (minus a tri-cities phone book)

I'm THIRTY!!!

I have just a few minutes to put this post together before Josh gets home but I want to at least write something, as today has been one of THE greatest days...BIRTHDAYS of my life.

It officially started on Saturday when a box filled with THIRTY.INDIVIDUALLY.WRAPPED presents showed up at my house! From Emily. I confess I opened ALL OF THEM!

Then Tuesday morning at 4:28 a.m. I had a mini heart attack.

Because two people clad in crazy hats walked into my home, handed me a hat of my own, blind-folded me and told me to come with them.

Thankfully I had the good sense to grab my hot pink robe.

So, my mom and sister drove me around, made me get out of the car (dressed in my hot pink robe and red granny hat) and took pictures of me (I'll post them some year).

While I was blind-folded.

And in my hot pink robe.

They took me to breakfast, then to coffee and then dumped me off at home where I was in a sleepy stupor for the rest of the day.

On Wednesday morning they showed up with doughnuts (yum) and a book for me! Then later in the day I got flowers from this amazing friend! I opened my mailbox to find a card from Linds (my bff from high school) that contained a Starbucks gift card, a card from my wonderful TN friend, Maria (she sent me a TN t-shirt a couple months ago!) and a homemade Dave Ramsey envelope system from my friend Kristie! Later in the day I received an email from eBay letting me know I had a gift certificate from Laura!

The day BEFORE my birthday was incredible!

Today my mom and sister watched my girls while I went to get my hair done.

And let me tell you, my party has not stopped!

At 8:10 this morning I was in line at Starbucks, I ordered my coffee and a cheese danish, went to pay for it, only to be told the woman in front of me bought my stuff! I nearly cried! I felt so blessed.

At 8:30 was my hair cut and color (which hasn't been done since August!) and the girl who does my hair brought me donuts from Starbucks. Then she hands me a Starbucks gift card that had been delivered earlier in the week by a friend of mine! I was freaking out. Feeling so blessed. When about 15 minutes later a woman walks in with the most beautiful arrangement of pink and white gerbera daisies that...get this...WERE FOR ME from my friend Melissa!

I had a Starbucks card and flowers delivered to me at the place where I get my hair done!!! It's been hours and this is still just incredible to me.

Then I come home, get on the computer and find this post from Linda. Talk about makin' a girl feel loved! My word!

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my friend, Candee. We were friends in high school, in each other's weddings and then the jerk moved far, far away. Thankfully she just moved back! In time for my 30th birthday, I'm sure! Can't wait to spend some time with her.

I think I'll stay 30 forever.

(well, until my 31st birthday, I'm pretty excited for that one, too)

decision made

my youngest has replaced sleep with crying.

i've decided to tie my own tubes immediately.

certifiable

seriously.

have we actually been considering another baby?

sometimes i think i'm on crack.

last night i woke up with spice at 11:11 (i'd only been in bed about 30 minutes) then again with her at 12:28 and again at 1:17. at 1:17 i cried. i really, truly started to cry. wondering why in the whole wide world i'd consider doing this to myself again.

i laid there trying to talk myself into and out of another baby.

my arguments looked like this:

you won't die from sleep deprivation.

but you'll want to.

maybe the next baby will sleep through the night at 5 weeks like Sugar did.

oooorrr, maybe it'll be like Spice who is now two and STILL doesn't sleep through the night.

it's just a season, you'll make it through.

or not.

i love being pregnant.

really? even that 50+ lbs you gained. really?

my two deliveries went really fast.

third time's a charm.

One day I'll be so glad we decided to go ahead and have more even though it felt crazy in the moment.

til then you'll need a straight jacket in every color.

do you see? see how i go back and forth? and, how sometimes it's so hard to imagine adding another little one to my already crazy self.

sigh.

Mid Week Random

Stuff I'm thinking about today....

Two pregnant friends. One is pregnant with baby number nine, the other pregnant with baby number ten. This warms my heart. Warms.my.heart! I love large families. Love that these families are doing what's best for them. All the while...trying to decide what is best for our family.

Running around in the rain. There was a down pour here today. My sister (the one who just had the appendectomy) and I ran out in it. Through my pasture and back to the house. Drenched. Made me think of another time it rained this hard...I was 24, on my way home from work at Pier 1, with my friend Keri driving in front of me. We pulled over on the freeway at the same time, danced around, got drenched, honked and stared at by other drivers and had a blast. Very few memories of age 24 are fun, so I cherish that one.

Budget. How I love thee and the freedom she brings. Still haven't spent any money we haven't budgeted. Thankful the parts for our pick up ended up being reimbursed. Wow.

People running their mouth. I'm sick of people speaking before thinking. Or even typing before thinking. It's good for me to see, though. Makes me realize, "hey, maybe I should watch what I say (type) so as not to hurt someone's feelers." It's one thing to encourage, it's another to voice an opinion not asked for. K, done with that rant.

A certain 30th birthday in the very near future. As in 8 days away future. Hair appt. Mall appt. Have I ever mentioned I don't like shopping at malls? I don't. Not a fan. But I have a gift card I'll be using. Then I'll be going out to lunch. Since I'm hungry, I'm already trying to decide where I'm eating. Thinking Azteca sounds delish.

House cleaning. Tomorrow is my house cleaning/laundry day. I need to figure out what needs done. I need to make sure I do it! Thinking the baseboards need a good dusting.

The blog name change. I forgot to talk about it since the night my blogged changed is the night I wrote this post. If you've been reading for over a year you know that my blog was previously title "This Beautiful Mess" and wasn't changed to "Little House on the Highway" until after we went OTR. Since we're no longer driving and living out of a Peterbilt I decided to change my blog name. I thought of changing it to something different altogether but really...well, my life is still a beautiful mess. A work in progress. Just today my beautiful girls were out in the mud. Dirt in their fingernails, their mouths, their hair. But they couldn't leave well enough alone, man. Oh, no. They had to traipse their cute little, dirty bodies into my house. Into my kitchen and out on to my living room carpet. I wanted to yell. Growl. Get mad. But I remembered, they're only little so long. I'm sure one day all too soon I'm going to miss it. So, yes they made a mess but it was....

A beautiful mess.

And I loved it.

Then made brownies to drown my sorrows.

What's on your mind lately?

Monday Monday

It's Monday morning. My kids are on my nerves and I feel really bad about that. Sometimes my patience is just nil.

On a brighter note, my birthday is in 10 days.

Today is laundry day. I did a load this weekend unexpectedly since I had two extra children I wasn't planning to have. And well, extra kids means that much more dirt thrown around.

The two extra kids were my five year old niece and four year old nephew. My sister had to have her appendix out (sound familiar?) and we asked if we could keep their kiddos. It was a blast. We played in the dirt, on the swingset, they rode bikes and at the end of the evening after dinner and baths, we roasted marshmallows and sang songs out on the deck, tucked all four kids into bed in the same room, read a book and sang some more songs.

And then I died from exhaustion.

But I came back to life.

I'm grocery shopping today. Having a budgeted amount is so fun. Until parts on a pickup take up half that money. Our fund for our rigs isn't built up enough yet to cover the parts needed on our truck. The only fund that was able to cover it was our food budget. Ouch. So, I was clipping and downloading coupons like crazy this weekend and trying to figure out how to get diapers and food for two weeks on the cheap.

We'll see how that goes.

I'm ready to sell (um, or burn) every vehicle in our driveway besides our van.

Not sure if I've mentioned my birthday being in 10 days but, um, it is. Have I hit my goal weight that I wanted to be at by age 30? Heck no. Sigh.

On Friday I surprised (at least I think it was a surprise) my mom with a trip to Seattle and tickets to a Mariner's game. It was so fun. We didn't get home til after 1 am and can I just say...I'm getting too old to stay up that late. I just am.

I nearly fell asleep in church yesterday.

Like 5 times.

This morning I've paid bills and gotten dressed. But thinking I should get something else done too.

Like grocery shopping.

And laundry.

And planning what I'm going to wear on my birthday...you know, the one that's in 10 days.

Cleaning Day

It's Wednesday night but I'll have this publish in the morning.

My Thursday to-do list:

Breakfast dishes
Countertops
Clean out fridge
Sweep
Mop

Bathroom
Tub (caked with mud)
Toilet
Sink
Mirror
Garbage
Sweep

Vacuum Living Room and Girls' room
Dust

Menu plan
Go over our budget THANK YOU, LORD, that payday is comin'!

Laundry and FAPA (fold and put away)

Then I have two lawns to mow in the afternoon. I was supposed to have three but I knocked one out this (wednesday) afternoon...in the rain.

I also need to get a couple of desserts ready since my mom is coming over to spend the night. The desserts are not her surprise. I'll post early Friday morning with what her surprise is. You'll know before she does. ☺ It'll be a fun morning.

What's on your to-do list?

Mid Week Random

My yard.
For the first time in the 10 summers we've been here, I'm truly in it. Part of it. Loving it. Taking time for it. At 6:45 this morning I was out working in the yard. We have a large yard and an acre of pasture, I love it. Coming up the driveway and seeing our property calms me. Soothes me.

Rearranging furniture.
I did it - again. I'm really liking it. No, really. I am. I moved the computer out of our room and into the living room. So, of course I'd have to rearrange the living room to make way for the computer. We also removed the tv from the living room. Tired.of.it.

My mom.
Plans. Fun. Oreos. Movies. Surprise for later.

30.
15 days away. 15 days until my birthday. I feel like I should reflect on the last 30 years and make plans for the next 30. But that's not the kinda girl I am. I go with the flow of each minute of my day. While I love to plan and make lists, I'm not the kinda girl who plans out each year of her life. I've made it this far without being that way, why change it up now?

Memorial Weekend.
We've changed our plans. We're staying home. We've been here, there and everywhere and it's just time to stay home and work on our remodeling project. We'll throw in a bbq or two over the weekend but for the most part it's going to be work.work.work.

Homeschooling.
September is not far away. We're taking a different route than we'd planned but we feel good about it. I'm praying the Lord just works this all out beautifully.

Babies.
We talk about it. Daily. We know it'd be crazy. That we'd be crazy. We still get up in the night with Spice sometimes. We only have a two bedroom house. But, at this moment, we know we can't just rule out another child (or two) (ahem, or three). This makes me almost giddy. I don't know if we'll have more, but just knowing that my husband - the man who didn't want children - actually thinks more children might just mean more fun (and of course more work). Love it.

Signs.
On Sunday our Pastor spoke about how we live in a culture where we look for signs. Asking God for a sign for this or that. When we have the Bible and any sign we need is right there, in our hands. Beautiful sermon. Written for me.

Our budget.
Day 19. We're rocking it. Last Friday was rough. I wanted to go out to dinner. Badly. I cooked instead. We still have money left in our envelopes and payday is two days away. Josh said last night, "it's not so bad. We've been doing fine." It hasn't been super easy but I love it.

Woodstove.
It's out on our deck. Along with a bench seat from a Chevy pickup. We're completely redneck. And it's cozy.

Mud.
It rules our lives these days. "Painter Sugar" and "Painter Spice" (as I've politely been informed to call them) are painting with mud. Dear Lord, please let them paint outside only. Amen.

Lunch.
It's time for me to make it. I'm famished. As I'm sure Painters Sugar and Spice are too.

ramble

So the four days I planned off turned into two

I blame Netflix.

They sent a faulty dvd and I needed it fixed, stat.

So, here I am.

When Josh was here at lunch we talked about the whole computer deal and time spent on it.

What I'm realizing is that if I spent 13 hours straight playing with my kids, loving on them, interacting with them - at the end of the day I'd still lie in bed at night and feel guilty that it just wasn't enough.

That somehow I've failed.

Obviously my expectations of myself in certain areas still needs some work. Obviously...

I just need to get it through my thick skull that if everything in my life is in order that it's okay to check my email, FB, Twitter, Netflix, etc.

Can I just say how tired I am of the guilt that I feel constantly. Unnecessary guilt. Am I the only one? Part of me hopes, yes. Part of me hopes, no. Do you lay in bed at night unable to sleep and think of everything you didn't do during the day that you think you should have done? Do you remember every single harsh word you said? Do you lay there and beat yourself up and watch the hours tick away on the clock?

Just me?

Bugger.

I need to fix it. I'm losing sleep. Panicking at night. Just sure that no one I love knows I love them. That the last load of laundry that I skipped out on folding means I'll never stay on track with laundry again.

I realize I sound a little neurotic. (You're like, "a little?")

Okay, I'm done now. Netflix is sending me a new dvd and my kids are taking all my kitchen equipment into their bedroom...surely trouble is being cooked up in there.

I wish I got paid for a blogging vacation

I've decided to take a few days away from the computer. Away from Facebook, email, blogging and Twitter.

I'm sure I'll be twitching by tomorrow evening.

Once again, I need to be working on my priorities. Figuring stuff out. Once again finding myself considering getting rid of internet altogether.

I'm not going to. But last week I came close. I just see how a computer, a phone, a television, etc. can come between people. Families. Relationships. It makes me very sad. Since giving up my iPhone, road trips with my family have been so fun. I've been involved with my husband and girls instead of with my handheld device.

It's not just me or just my family. I know many others going through the same deal. Whether they know it or not.

I want my family to remember the time I spent with them, the games we played. The conversations we had.

I don't want them to remember just the back of my head.

Or the, "just a minute, I'll be right there." 45 minutes later...

They deserve more of me.

Josh and I have talked about it. The way it looks now is that the computer will stay off during the day and I'll get my email, blogging and FB'ing done after they've gone to bed. Right now I check that stuff early in the morning, between loads of laundry, while they're napping, while dinner's on the stove and other times in between.

I'll be less in the minute by minute loop of everyone and everything but I feel like it's the right decision to make.

The next few days are just to search my heart, talk with Josh, solidify the daily routine and just plain figure stuff out. We're pretty boring folk but I feel like we have a lot going on, a lot on our plate and I just want to make sure my focus is on my family rather than the computer.

See you in a few days.

bare

today i did something i don't remember ever doing in the last 10 years you've been gone.

i started a letter to you.

it felt foolish.

i started to cry.

so i quit.

but.

but it kinda felt good to get some things out.

to tell you that i miss you and hate that you're gone. to tell you i'm frustrated everyone else knew you so much better. everyone else had so much time with you while i had so little. everyone else had years listening to your laughter.

oh, how i miss your laughter.

and your hands. i remember them. i miss them.

i hate the not knowing. heaven? hell? i tell myself heaven. only Jesus knew your heart.

so, after my girls were born i asked if He'd open up heaven, if only for a minute, so you could see them. so you could see how beautiful they are.

alison has the dip in her chin that you had. that i have. i love it.

josh took jaylee to a father/daughter ball a few months back. we didn't ever get one of those. not like either of us would have wanted to go. but still.

you never tucked me in.

you didn't teach me to ride a bike.

you never brushed my hair or put it in a ponytail.

i see all these things that josh does with our girls that i missed. not only because you died too soon but because you and i just didn't know each other.

i feel so cheated.

and while i'm laying it out there, tonight i told God that i was mad. He could have let you live, yet chose not to. i'm sure that sounds so childish. but i'm hurt.

still.

soon you'll have been gone longer from my life longer than i'll have known you.

i got mad at you once after you died. wondering how you, a 40 year old healthy man could drown. i mean, seriously, how could you drown? you were so strong. so capable. indestructible. and then you were gone.

thank you for the carnations on valentine's day. for the teddy bears. the cards. for being thoughtful.

i don't like carnations, though.

but i definitely don't like that you don't send them anymore. i mean, i'd much rather you send me flowers i don't like than be gone and not send them at all.

i joke about you drowning. a lot. it doesn't make me feel better but it somehow helps me deal. at least on the outside.

i thought getting a tattoo would help me heal, too. i was wrong about that one.

used to creep me out that you'd pick spiders up in the house and move them outdoors. or worse, just leave them in your house. to live. ew.

our house is torn apart right now. i know you'd be over helping us work on it every night. as long as i stocked my fridge with coors light. ew.

it's time for bed. thankful for josh that he'll hold me while i cry myself to sleep tonight.

once again, regretting never calling you, "dad" and wishing i could. just once.

just once.

Mixin' up the cleaning day

I've been up since 4. Josh had to go out of town for work today and he had to leave at 4:45. One would think one could go back to sleep at such an hour.

One would be wrong.

Then one would make a list for the day o' cleaning.

On the list for today:

Breakfast dishes - I've decided Thursday morning breakfast time will consist or cereal and toast. Something easy peasy. After what, six weeks of my new routine I'm finally getting smart about somethin'!
Clean on top of my cupboards - get all the cobwebs (stupid house projects) and dust.
Clear the counter tops - figure this'll need to be done after everything up top comes down.
Sweep kitchen
Mop kitchen
Bathroom
-tub
-toilet
-sink
-mirror
-sweep
-garbage
Dust and Vacuum Living Room
-if I get really wild and crazy I may clean the ceiling fan.
Laundry - FAPA (fold and put away)
-think I only have one load to do, woo hoo!
Change sheets
-Oh! make that two loads!
Clean out the fridge

Today I'm going to try something new. I'm going to have my children help me.

See you next week.

I kid. sorta.

No, really, I think I've done a disservice to myself and Sugar by not starting to have her help me earlier on. Yes, it's going to take three times as long but the kid's gotta learn sometime, right? And better to learn at 4 than 24 like someone else I know. (um, that'd be me.)

The work that normally takes a couple hours will most likely take at least three. But I'm lookin' at it like this, if I teach 'em now, in a year or so I'll just be able to kick back, eat bon bons and watch them work, right?

Gimme a break, I've been up since 4. I'm delirious.

who am i tryin' to kid

I did something foolish last night.

What's new? I know.

I decided that after Josh got off work we'd head to the track, he'd play with the girls and I'd run. Yep, the plan was to run. A mile. In under five hours.

So, I made it in under five hours.

Barely.

We went to a track meet on Saturday. While we were there I was getting this adrenaline rush remembering the days of yore when I used to love to run. Yes, I was only 15 at the time, hadn't had a baby or two or a cancer surgery. And I may or may not have been about 40 lbs lighter at the time. Still. I loved to run. I ran five miles a day during practice and would often run a couple more miles to get home.

I enjoyed it.

Til I got shin splints.

Then my races sucked.

Some I couldn't finish. Others found me hobbling to the finish line.

But on Saturday I was convinced I could run again. Oh yes I could!

Oh, no. I can't.

Josh knew as soon as I was done. "Your shins?" I nodded.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to be able to run to get in shape. (btw, round is a shape, it's been my argument for years.) He says I'm going to have to start biking. I love to ride my bike, I do. But there's something about your feet pounding on pavement, getting you one step further to your finish line, that a bike ride just doesn't do for me.

Today I'm frustrated. Discouraged. Overweight.

Not lovin' this.

Going Outta Town on our New Budget

We went to Josh's sister's house this last weekend.

Oh, how I love to go there. I love my nieces. I love my SIL. And well, my BIL is a pretty cool guy, too.

There are very few people in my life that I can just completely let loose -ahem- and be myself around. Just totally me. And I can do that with them. They love me even though I'm weird. My 14 year old niece loves me even though I try my hardest to embarrass her in front of her friends and in front of people we don't even know.

It's just nice to be me.

And to be loved.

Sugar had the time of her life, of course. Her cousins are her fave. She's always been a big fan of them and they've always been wonderful to play with her and love on her.

In a rare moment, one I'm not sure has happened in the last decade, Josh and I got to go on a date with Chad and Treena! I don't know how long it's been since we've done that, but man, it's been awhile! So nice that they have a teenager now!

We went out for Indian food. I ate too much. The end.

"But Sarah," you say, "you're on a budget, however did you afford to go to Portland and eat out?!"

Well, I'm glad you (didn't actually) asked! ☺

We're still so new to this actual budget deal that part of me wonders where the hay all the money we used to spend came from.

The trip to Portland was planned before the budget was planned. We hemmed. We hawed. Wondered if we'd need to cancel. Then realized, hello, we can't cancel, we LOVE visiting them, plus we were going to be able to go on a double date!

So, we got out our jug o' change, counted it out. Rolled it. Took it to the bank. And we had $115 to spend on gas, food and coffee. Thank You, Lord, for coffee. Amen.

It was the perfect amount of money. We didn't ever use our debit cards and it was a beautiful thing. I absolutely loved it.

Now our jug is empty and it'll be 2014 before we can go back. Okay, not really. But now comes the hard part of saving the gas and spending money for the next trip we take.

I know we're only 11 days into the month but so far we haven't screwed up the budget and we're enjoying the freedom of being in control of the money.

It's so nice to take a mini-vacay guilt free. Loved every minute.

(even the grueling hill on the bike ride!)

In draft

I have 30 posts that have been partially written but never published.

Or have been completely written but I've never had the courage to hit publish.

Today, I thought I'd go through some of them and post a bit from each. You know, for funsies.


Written 6/9/08 here I'm writing about what I let Sugar wear to the grocery store:

For the most part I pick out Sugar's outfit for the day. But if she chooses to accessorize, that's her deal. Whatever floats her boat.

Since the weather isn't nice here today I knew I could dress her in something pretty because she wouldn't go outside and ruin it. Today she's wearing a pretty white dress with flowers on it.

With purple snow boots.

And blue sunglasses.

Purple snow boots on the wrong feet.

We may not have gone outside to play but we did go to the grocery store. Where people could see us.

And the purple boots.

A few women who have been in my shoes years ago came up and smiled and talked about how they just grow up too fast and that there's nothing wrong with letting them wear snow boots in June.

Written 1/19/09 this was about a phone call:

I think we all have at least one person in our life that can call up and not say, "hey, this is so and so."

We just know immediately upon hearing their voice, who they are.

To hear the words coming from a familiar voice can stir a lot of emotions for me. Memories. Some bitter but mostly sweet. Laughter. Tears. Secrets. Joys. Sorrows. Friendship. Love.

My youngest sister called me on Friday.

When I saw her number on my caller ID I almost didn't believe it. We live about 8 miles apart yet hardly see or talk to each other, even though she is one of my favorite people in all the world.

The sound of her voice and the short conversation were enough to make my heart swell.

Written 2/5/09 Never could finish this:

I have been running for so long from what I've been, who I've been. I've been trying so hard to maintain a happy life and put junk behind me. Shoving it in that closet like what Monica had on Friends. To even her closest friends, it seemed like she was a freak about cleanliness and perfection, order in her life. But she had that closet. Seen the episode? Know what I'm talkin' about?
I have that closet.
It's a really big closet packed with a whole lotta crap.
No, really. A whole lotta.
And because of all that crap, I have a difficult time with peace. Just typing the words brings a sort of comfort but also reminders of every reason I shouldn't have it.

Written 6/15/09 I almost can't breathe when I read these words. Oh, the days of having a best friend. Those were my favorite days:

So, I did what I often do when I'm upset.

I went for a drive.

I drove the twenty miles to pick up Josh's paycheck from his boss. His boss lives half a minute from Amber, so I decided to head there.

When I walked in (because we don't knock at each others homes) she was busy vacuuming and cleaning her home but she stopped everything and sat on the couch with me and listened.

She listened while I moaned and groaned about how hard this is.

Okay, I'm done going through drafts. That last one 'bout did me in.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some fresh junk to share instead of going through the old junk.

Note to self: Make To-Do List a Leetle More Thorough

Thursday is my official house cleaning day. It's also the second (and last) day of the week that I do laundry, my other day being Monday.

No house cleaning any other day of the week. I still make beds, do dishes and sweep the kitchen daily. But that's all.

Usually on Wednesday evening I write out a list (my favorite part) of what needs to be done on Thursday.

This is what my list looked like today:

1. Breakfast dishes

2. Clean kitchen
a. countertop
b. front of the cupboards
c. sweep
d. mop

3. Clean the bathroom
a. tub
b. toilet
c. sink
d. mirror
e. sweep
f. empty garbage
g. mop

4. Dust and Vacuum Living Room

5. Laundry - FAPA! (I usually only have two loads on Thursdays and three on Monday)

6. Look over budget (Josh gets paid tomorrow!)

7. Mow in-law's yard and Nana and Papa's yard.

7. Pack for our trip to Portland!

So far the only thing left on the list is packing for our trip and mowing my in-law's. I showed up to do it but Dad had the sprinklers going. So, I'll go back after the girls wake from their naps.

I should have written in that the girls' room needs to be cleaned and vacuumed but I didn't. They'll clean it when they wake up from their naps and before we head over to mow. For the most part the girls are great about cleaning their room. Spice is excellent about putting away toys. Occasionally, just to bless them I'll clean the room for them.

Tonight we're having company and I'm excited they chose Thursday to come over! ☺

Maybe I should have added "get dressed" and "put on a bra" to my list today seein' how those things have yet to happen.



(yes, I went out in public without a bra. my excuse is that the shirt i'm wearing has one "built in" but we know how well those work!)