Mid Week Random

My yard.
For the first time in the 10 summers we've been here, I'm truly in it. Part of it. Loving it. Taking time for it. At 6:45 this morning I was out working in the yard. We have a large yard and an acre of pasture, I love it. Coming up the driveway and seeing our property calms me. Soothes me.

Rearranging furniture.
I did it - again. I'm really liking it. No, really. I am. I moved the computer out of our room and into the living room. So, of course I'd have to rearrange the living room to make way for the computer. We also removed the tv from the living room. Tired.of.it.

My mom.
Plans. Fun. Oreos. Movies. Surprise for later.

30.
15 days away. 15 days until my birthday. I feel like I should reflect on the last 30 years and make plans for the next 30. But that's not the kinda girl I am. I go with the flow of each minute of my day. While I love to plan and make lists, I'm not the kinda girl who plans out each year of her life. I've made it this far without being that way, why change it up now?

Memorial Weekend.
We've changed our plans. We're staying home. We've been here, there and everywhere and it's just time to stay home and work on our remodeling project. We'll throw in a bbq or two over the weekend but for the most part it's going to be work.work.work.

Homeschooling.
September is not far away. We're taking a different route than we'd planned but we feel good about it. I'm praying the Lord just works this all out beautifully.

Babies.
We talk about it. Daily. We know it'd be crazy. That we'd be crazy. We still get up in the night with Spice sometimes. We only have a two bedroom house. But, at this moment, we know we can't just rule out another child (or two) (ahem, or three). This makes me almost giddy. I don't know if we'll have more, but just knowing that my husband - the man who didn't want children - actually thinks more children might just mean more fun (and of course more work). Love it.

Signs.
On Sunday our Pastor spoke about how we live in a culture where we look for signs. Asking God for a sign for this or that. When we have the Bible and any sign we need is right there, in our hands. Beautiful sermon. Written for me.

Our budget.
Day 19. We're rocking it. Last Friday was rough. I wanted to go out to dinner. Badly. I cooked instead. We still have money left in our envelopes and payday is two days away. Josh said last night, "it's not so bad. We've been doing fine." It hasn't been super easy but I love it.

Woodstove.
It's out on our deck. Along with a bench seat from a Chevy pickup. We're completely redneck. And it's cozy.

Mud.
It rules our lives these days. "Painter Sugar" and "Painter Spice" (as I've politely been informed to call them) are painting with mud. Dear Lord, please let them paint outside only. Amen.

Lunch.
It's time for me to make it. I'm famished. As I'm sure Painters Sugar and Spice are too.

ramble

So the four days I planned off turned into two

I blame Netflix.

They sent a faulty dvd and I needed it fixed, stat.

So, here I am.

When Josh was here at lunch we talked about the whole computer deal and time spent on it.

What I'm realizing is that if I spent 13 hours straight playing with my kids, loving on them, interacting with them - at the end of the day I'd still lie in bed at night and feel guilty that it just wasn't enough.

That somehow I've failed.

Obviously my expectations of myself in certain areas still needs some work. Obviously...

I just need to get it through my thick skull that if everything in my life is in order that it's okay to check my email, FB, Twitter, Netflix, etc.

Can I just say how tired I am of the guilt that I feel constantly. Unnecessary guilt. Am I the only one? Part of me hopes, yes. Part of me hopes, no. Do you lay in bed at night unable to sleep and think of everything you didn't do during the day that you think you should have done? Do you remember every single harsh word you said? Do you lay there and beat yourself up and watch the hours tick away on the clock?

Just me?

Bugger.

I need to fix it. I'm losing sleep. Panicking at night. Just sure that no one I love knows I love them. That the last load of laundry that I skipped out on folding means I'll never stay on track with laundry again.

I realize I sound a little neurotic. (You're like, "a little?")

Okay, I'm done now. Netflix is sending me a new dvd and my kids are taking all my kitchen equipment into their bedroom...surely trouble is being cooked up in there.

I wish I got paid for a blogging vacation

I've decided to take a few days away from the computer. Away from Facebook, email, blogging and Twitter.

I'm sure I'll be twitching by tomorrow evening.

Once again, I need to be working on my priorities. Figuring stuff out. Once again finding myself considering getting rid of internet altogether.

I'm not going to. But last week I came close. I just see how a computer, a phone, a television, etc. can come between people. Families. Relationships. It makes me very sad. Since giving up my iPhone, road trips with my family have been so fun. I've been involved with my husband and girls instead of with my handheld device.

It's not just me or just my family. I know many others going through the same deal. Whether they know it or not.

I want my family to remember the time I spent with them, the games we played. The conversations we had.

I don't want them to remember just the back of my head.

Or the, "just a minute, I'll be right there." 45 minutes later...

They deserve more of me.

Josh and I have talked about it. The way it looks now is that the computer will stay off during the day and I'll get my email, blogging and FB'ing done after they've gone to bed. Right now I check that stuff early in the morning, between loads of laundry, while they're napping, while dinner's on the stove and other times in between.

I'll be less in the minute by minute loop of everyone and everything but I feel like it's the right decision to make.

The next few days are just to search my heart, talk with Josh, solidify the daily routine and just plain figure stuff out. We're pretty boring folk but I feel like we have a lot going on, a lot on our plate and I just want to make sure my focus is on my family rather than the computer.

See you in a few days.

bare

today i did something i don't remember ever doing in the last 10 years you've been gone.

i started a letter to you.

it felt foolish.

i started to cry.

so i quit.

but.

but it kinda felt good to get some things out.

to tell you that i miss you and hate that you're gone. to tell you i'm frustrated everyone else knew you so much better. everyone else had so much time with you while i had so little. everyone else had years listening to your laughter.

oh, how i miss your laughter.

and your hands. i remember them. i miss them.

i hate the not knowing. heaven? hell? i tell myself heaven. only Jesus knew your heart.

so, after my girls were born i asked if He'd open up heaven, if only for a minute, so you could see them. so you could see how beautiful they are.

alison has the dip in her chin that you had. that i have. i love it.

josh took jaylee to a father/daughter ball a few months back. we didn't ever get one of those. not like either of us would have wanted to go. but still.

you never tucked me in.

you didn't teach me to ride a bike.

you never brushed my hair or put it in a ponytail.

i see all these things that josh does with our girls that i missed. not only because you died too soon but because you and i just didn't know each other.

i feel so cheated.

and while i'm laying it out there, tonight i told God that i was mad. He could have let you live, yet chose not to. i'm sure that sounds so childish. but i'm hurt.

still.

soon you'll have been gone longer from my life longer than i'll have known you.

i got mad at you once after you died. wondering how you, a 40 year old healthy man could drown. i mean, seriously, how could you drown? you were so strong. so capable. indestructible. and then you were gone.

thank you for the carnations on valentine's day. for the teddy bears. the cards. for being thoughtful.

i don't like carnations, though.

but i definitely don't like that you don't send them anymore. i mean, i'd much rather you send me flowers i don't like than be gone and not send them at all.

i joke about you drowning. a lot. it doesn't make me feel better but it somehow helps me deal. at least on the outside.

i thought getting a tattoo would help me heal, too. i was wrong about that one.

used to creep me out that you'd pick spiders up in the house and move them outdoors. or worse, just leave them in your house. to live. ew.

our house is torn apart right now. i know you'd be over helping us work on it every night. as long as i stocked my fridge with coors light. ew.

it's time for bed. thankful for josh that he'll hold me while i cry myself to sleep tonight.

once again, regretting never calling you, "dad" and wishing i could. just once.

just once.

Mixin' up the cleaning day

I've been up since 4. Josh had to go out of town for work today and he had to leave at 4:45. One would think one could go back to sleep at such an hour.

One would be wrong.

Then one would make a list for the day o' cleaning.

On the list for today:

Breakfast dishes - I've decided Thursday morning breakfast time will consist or cereal and toast. Something easy peasy. After what, six weeks of my new routine I'm finally getting smart about somethin'!
Clean on top of my cupboards - get all the cobwebs (stupid house projects) and dust.
Clear the counter tops - figure this'll need to be done after everything up top comes down.
Sweep kitchen
Mop kitchen
Bathroom
-tub
-toilet
-sink
-mirror
-sweep
-garbage
Dust and Vacuum Living Room
-if I get really wild and crazy I may clean the ceiling fan.
Laundry - FAPA (fold and put away)
-think I only have one load to do, woo hoo!
Change sheets
-Oh! make that two loads!
Clean out the fridge

Today I'm going to try something new. I'm going to have my children help me.

See you next week.

I kid. sorta.

No, really, I think I've done a disservice to myself and Sugar by not starting to have her help me earlier on. Yes, it's going to take three times as long but the kid's gotta learn sometime, right? And better to learn at 4 than 24 like someone else I know. (um, that'd be me.)

The work that normally takes a couple hours will most likely take at least three. But I'm lookin' at it like this, if I teach 'em now, in a year or so I'll just be able to kick back, eat bon bons and watch them work, right?

Gimme a break, I've been up since 4. I'm delirious.

who am i tryin' to kid

I did something foolish last night.

What's new? I know.

I decided that after Josh got off work we'd head to the track, he'd play with the girls and I'd run. Yep, the plan was to run. A mile. In under five hours.

So, I made it in under five hours.

Barely.

We went to a track meet on Saturday. While we were there I was getting this adrenaline rush remembering the days of yore when I used to love to run. Yes, I was only 15 at the time, hadn't had a baby or two or a cancer surgery. And I may or may not have been about 40 lbs lighter at the time. Still. I loved to run. I ran five miles a day during practice and would often run a couple more miles to get home.

I enjoyed it.

Til I got shin splints.

Then my races sucked.

Some I couldn't finish. Others found me hobbling to the finish line.

But on Saturday I was convinced I could run again. Oh yes I could!

Oh, no. I can't.

Josh knew as soon as I was done. "Your shins?" I nodded.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to be able to run to get in shape. (btw, round is a shape, it's been my argument for years.) He says I'm going to have to start biking. I love to ride my bike, I do. But there's something about your feet pounding on pavement, getting you one step further to your finish line, that a bike ride just doesn't do for me.

Today I'm frustrated. Discouraged. Overweight.

Not lovin' this.

Going Outta Town on our New Budget

We went to Josh's sister's house this last weekend.

Oh, how I love to go there. I love my nieces. I love my SIL. And well, my BIL is a pretty cool guy, too.

There are very few people in my life that I can just completely let loose -ahem- and be myself around. Just totally me. And I can do that with them. They love me even though I'm weird. My 14 year old niece loves me even though I try my hardest to embarrass her in front of her friends and in front of people we don't even know.

It's just nice to be me.

And to be loved.

Sugar had the time of her life, of course. Her cousins are her fave. She's always been a big fan of them and they've always been wonderful to play with her and love on her.

In a rare moment, one I'm not sure has happened in the last decade, Josh and I got to go on a date with Chad and Treena! I don't know how long it's been since we've done that, but man, it's been awhile! So nice that they have a teenager now!

We went out for Indian food. I ate too much. The end.

"But Sarah," you say, "you're on a budget, however did you afford to go to Portland and eat out?!"

Well, I'm glad you (didn't actually) asked! ☺

We're still so new to this actual budget deal that part of me wonders where the hay all the money we used to spend came from.

The trip to Portland was planned before the budget was planned. We hemmed. We hawed. Wondered if we'd need to cancel. Then realized, hello, we can't cancel, we LOVE visiting them, plus we were going to be able to go on a double date!

So, we got out our jug o' change, counted it out. Rolled it. Took it to the bank. And we had $115 to spend on gas, food and coffee. Thank You, Lord, for coffee. Amen.

It was the perfect amount of money. We didn't ever use our debit cards and it was a beautiful thing. I absolutely loved it.

Now our jug is empty and it'll be 2014 before we can go back. Okay, not really. But now comes the hard part of saving the gas and spending money for the next trip we take.

I know we're only 11 days into the month but so far we haven't screwed up the budget and we're enjoying the freedom of being in control of the money.

It's so nice to take a mini-vacay guilt free. Loved every minute.

(even the grueling hill on the bike ride!)

In draft

I have 30 posts that have been partially written but never published.

Or have been completely written but I've never had the courage to hit publish.

Today, I thought I'd go through some of them and post a bit from each. You know, for funsies.


Written 6/9/08 here I'm writing about what I let Sugar wear to the grocery store:

For the most part I pick out Sugar's outfit for the day. But if she chooses to accessorize, that's her deal. Whatever floats her boat.

Since the weather isn't nice here today I knew I could dress her in something pretty because she wouldn't go outside and ruin it. Today she's wearing a pretty white dress with flowers on it.

With purple snow boots.

And blue sunglasses.

Purple snow boots on the wrong feet.

We may not have gone outside to play but we did go to the grocery store. Where people could see us.

And the purple boots.

A few women who have been in my shoes years ago came up and smiled and talked about how they just grow up too fast and that there's nothing wrong with letting them wear snow boots in June.

Written 1/19/09 this was about a phone call:

I think we all have at least one person in our life that can call up and not say, "hey, this is so and so."

We just know immediately upon hearing their voice, who they are.

To hear the words coming from a familiar voice can stir a lot of emotions for me. Memories. Some bitter but mostly sweet. Laughter. Tears. Secrets. Joys. Sorrows. Friendship. Love.

My youngest sister called me on Friday.

When I saw her number on my caller ID I almost didn't believe it. We live about 8 miles apart yet hardly see or talk to each other, even though she is one of my favorite people in all the world.

The sound of her voice and the short conversation were enough to make my heart swell.

Written 2/5/09 Never could finish this:

I have been running for so long from what I've been, who I've been. I've been trying so hard to maintain a happy life and put junk behind me. Shoving it in that closet like what Monica had on Friends. To even her closest friends, it seemed like she was a freak about cleanliness and perfection, order in her life. But she had that closet. Seen the episode? Know what I'm talkin' about?
I have that closet.
It's a really big closet packed with a whole lotta crap.
No, really. A whole lotta.
And because of all that crap, I have a difficult time with peace. Just typing the words brings a sort of comfort but also reminders of every reason I shouldn't have it.

Written 6/15/09 I almost can't breathe when I read these words. Oh, the days of having a best friend. Those were my favorite days:

So, I did what I often do when I'm upset.

I went for a drive.

I drove the twenty miles to pick up Josh's paycheck from his boss. His boss lives half a minute from Amber, so I decided to head there.

When I walked in (because we don't knock at each others homes) she was busy vacuuming and cleaning her home but she stopped everything and sat on the couch with me and listened.

She listened while I moaned and groaned about how hard this is.

Okay, I'm done going through drafts. That last one 'bout did me in.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some fresh junk to share instead of going through the old junk.

Note to self: Make To-Do List a Leetle More Thorough

Thursday is my official house cleaning day. It's also the second (and last) day of the week that I do laundry, my other day being Monday.

No house cleaning any other day of the week. I still make beds, do dishes and sweep the kitchen daily. But that's all.

Usually on Wednesday evening I write out a list (my favorite part) of what needs to be done on Thursday.

This is what my list looked like today:

1. Breakfast dishes

2. Clean kitchen
a. countertop
b. front of the cupboards
c. sweep
d. mop

3. Clean the bathroom
a. tub
b. toilet
c. sink
d. mirror
e. sweep
f. empty garbage
g. mop

4. Dust and Vacuum Living Room

5. Laundry - FAPA! (I usually only have two loads on Thursdays and three on Monday)

6. Look over budget (Josh gets paid tomorrow!)

7. Mow in-law's yard and Nana and Papa's yard.

7. Pack for our trip to Portland!

So far the only thing left on the list is packing for our trip and mowing my in-law's. I showed up to do it but Dad had the sprinklers going. So, I'll go back after the girls wake from their naps.

I should have written in that the girls' room needs to be cleaned and vacuumed but I didn't. They'll clean it when they wake up from their naps and before we head over to mow. For the most part the girls are great about cleaning their room. Spice is excellent about putting away toys. Occasionally, just to bless them I'll clean the room for them.

Tonight we're having company and I'm excited they chose Thursday to come over! ☺

Maybe I should have added "get dressed" and "put on a bra" to my list today seein' how those things have yet to happen.



(yes, I went out in public without a bra. my excuse is that the shirt i'm wearing has one "built in" but we know how well those work!)

Birthday Party on our New Budget

With our new budget in place, the first birthday to be affected is Spice's.

The budget area that I think I'm going to struggle with the most is our "gifts" budget. It's, um, low. As in, $10 a month low.

Our birthday party for Spice last night was the beginning of working a birthday into our budget.

This was hard.

H-A-R-D.

HARD.

We did not buy a gift for our two year old.

I spent $4 on a gluten free mix and made her cupcakes.

For decorations I did this:



Emily took pictures of Alison, had them FedEx'd to me and I decided to use those for decorations in the kitchen. After the pictures were up, I felt it needed something. So, I got out the paper plates that were left over from a baby shower I did this weekend. I turned them over, wrote the number 2 backward on the plate so that when I cut it out the front would show the number two properly.

Simple. So super simple. But I liked it. And I've gotten a bunch of comments on FB for this idea. Here I thought it was cheesy but people complimented it! So fun.

I usually buy decorations. Balloons. Gifts. Food. Drinks.

I wasn't sure how I would make the evening feel special without spending a couple hundred bucks. How could I entertain if I wasn't serving a big sit down meal and offer soda to my guests? Would anyone enjoy themselves?

I decided to serve cake and ice cream. Forgot the ice cream and my sweet grandma picked some up and wouldn't let me pay her for it. What a blessing!

I made a separate cake for our guests (didn't take a picture of it because it was so ugly) and I made gluten, egg and dairy cupcakes for Spice. Along with homemade frosting that was nearly impossible to work with. But she didn't seem to care.
Is she not just the cutest little birthday girl ever? I just wanna squeeze her!

Even though we didn't buy her a gift, she was blessed with three beautiful dresses, a new hat,

$2 and a new car.

All in all, I'd say it was a great birthday with only four bucks out of pocket.

This morning my mom said it was the best party I've hosted. HUH?! She said I was more relaxed and seemed to enjoy my daughter turning two and celebrating her instead of running around trying to make sure everything was just so. What a compliment, huh?

So, even though I didn't think it'd be possible to stick to a budget for her birthday, I proved myself wrong.

Whodda thunk?

two years loving our sweet baby girl

Two days before you were born my belly looked like this. You kicked and you squirmed, you rolled and you rolled some more. And because you were my second pregnancy I treasured each and every roll you made across my belly because I knew in just a couple more days I wouldn't feel this anymore. And I would miss it.

The day before you were born we worked and worked outside. The carport was a disaster and for some reason I just really wanted it clean. So I lugged you around, still inside my belly. I'd have to stop throughout the day, as contractions would hit hard and leave me breathless. Dinner time came and went, finally around 7 pm we called it a night. Your poor big (but still so little) sister had been so sweet and so patient all day but she was "hunna!"

So, we loaded up in the Suburban and headed 20 miles west for some Mexican food. As soon as we got in the rig I had a contraction. Then four minutes later another. And again four minutes after that. Through dinner I had contractions every four minutes. We got home at 9:30, put your sweet big sister to bed. Since I was induced the first time around, I wasn't sure if I was in labor. I was told to take a shower and if the contractions went away I was not in labor.

The contractions did not go away.

I barely made it out of the shower. The contractions were fierce! But I put my jammies on, stopping every few seconds to catch my breath and finally made it into bed. Daddy jumped in the shower after I got into bed.

It was 10 pm and the contractions were still four minutes apart. Had been for three hours.

While he was in the shower my water broke.

We called Maugie about 10:30 and told her it was time to bring your sister up so we could head to the hospital. I remember trying to get dressed to go to the hospital and doubling over in our bedroom. I decided they'd just have to see me in my jammies, putting clothes on just wasn't gonna happen.

We woke up our little girl, who had only been in bed about an hour and she had a sweet, sleepy smile on her face. I snuggled her and told her she was going to be a big sister soon. I remember panicking in that moment, hoping she knew that even though you were coming along very quickly, that I loved her oh, so much.

We got in the Suburban again, contractions still every 3-4 minutes, sometimes only 2. Daddy very rarely exceeds the speed limit but this time was an exception. He made the 40 mile trip seem like 20. For this I was very thankful.

Maugie came out to meet us, it was 11:15 pm. We left your big sister in the care of your grandma and daddy helped me back into the Suburban.

Five minutes later we walked into the hospital.

Pre-registering the month before you were born was very helpful. We were already checked in. They found us a room and a nurse came in. "Someone will need to check you before we can admit you."

At midnight, now your due date, we were admitted into the hospital. I was dilated to a four.

The next five hours were spent standing up, rocking back and forth with Daddy holding onto me and encouraging me.

And me biting him a time or five. (don't worry, I apologize every now and then.)

At five a.m. I told Daddy it was time. And the silly guy said no, that it wasn't. It was too soon.

"No, really. It's time. I need to push."

A nurse came in. I told her I needed to push. She sighed but checked me. Then told me it was time to call my midwife, who showed up in her Disneyland jammie shirt and sleepy eyes. Within 10 minutes I was laying on the bed ready to push.

The nurses asked if I knew if you were a boy or girl. We'd chosen not to find out but I thought you'd be a boy for sure. The entire time I was pushing I kept saying, "I can't wait to see him, is he here yet?"

30 minutes of pushing later, I was blessed with another baby girl, weighing in at 8 lbs. 4.6 oz. I was one happy mama. Girls. I had girls now! Not just one, but two beautiful girls.

Our family of three was now a wonderful family of four! (lovely cell pictures)



For the first two weeks you slept so peacefully.

And then for the next four months you did this:





But we loved you still. You would gurgle and make sweet noises. Yes, you cried. A lot. But you were so sweet and snuggly.

Giving you a bath in the sink is such a hoot! You laugh and you splash and you're just so cute!

'Specially when you do this...

First camping trip! We went to Mt. Rainier for four days.

Maugie and you!

10 month old smile!

11 months of this sweet face.

Oh, the sisterly love.

Daddddyyy!!!!

And here you are at a year old!

Over the year you spent thousands of miles and many many nights in a Peterbilt with your sister, daddy and me. You learned to walk. You still don't talk much.

Words you say:

mama

dada

no

When asked, "what are you doing?" you reply, "nuteen!" (nothing)

no

yeah

no
uh huh

gah (dog)

no

goot goo (thank you)

up

beebee (blankie)

no
dee (pacifier)

You love to play in the dirt but prefer to do it wearing a dress...or beads....

Just a couple of months ago we found out about your allergies and we're trying hard to rid your little body of everything that hurts you. It hasn't been easy but you're doing great!

You are the first to help pick up toys and books. If I'm sweeping you quickly run to get the dustpan. You are an amazing helper, sweet girl. I love that about you.

You're so quick-tempered and I haven't known how to "cure" you of this, so just today I've started praying with you as soon as your attitude turns into a fit. I'm praying this starts to calm us both down.

When you hear Daddy's truck pull in the driveway, you stop whatever you're doing to run to the door and throw yourself into his arms.

You are constantly getting hurt and this drives me nuts. But you're a trooper, that's for sure!

You love your pacifier and giving slobbery kisses.

Your blanket is nasty and dirty and you hate to have it washed because that's 90 minutes of separation. Some would think it's ridiculous we let you carry it all over, I think you're only going to be little for a short time, you may as well enjoy your "beebee" now.

You have zero interest in potty training, which is a total bummer. But, I'm not going to push it.

Today is your birthday and we'll make you a gluten, egg and dairy free cake. I'm sure it's going to taste fabulous!

We love you, Alison, our little Spice of life.

Happy Second Birthday, Little Love.

Love,

Mama

No title for this post. Well, I guess that could be the title.

I knew I would do this.

I knew I'd start to flake. It's what I do best.

I've gotten better over time with my flaky-ness (flakiness?) because flaky-ness (flakyness?) drives me crazy. It's not a good character trait to have. And if you're a flake. QUIT IT! It hurts and drives the people around you crazy. I know this because I've been a flake and I've seen what it's done to my relationships.

Um, anyway.

I was so excited to do the bloggy birthday giveaway deal to the very end! THE VERY END, I say!

The end of course being my birthday. Which is officially one month from today.

Moment of silence please.









You did take a moment of silence, right?

Good.

I do not, have not, will not be doing the giveaway this month. Josh and I started this really cool thing called a budget. Ever heard of it? Yeah, I've tried to pretend long enough that I hadn't heard of one either.

But the time came, my friends, where I could no longer ignore those yucky negative numbers any longer.

Anyway, I'll talk about our budget deal later this week.

All that to say. No giveaway this month (you can blame my budget, because I know I am!) But I will be celebrating my birthday with a giveaway, so make sure you're here in June! But make sure you're here all the days before that too!

Let me love you

On Sunday before we left Jim and Emily's and while we were still sitting around chatting, Josh picked Spice up and tried to snuggle her.

She wriggled.

She pitched a fit.

She kicked her legs.

She squawked.

But he kept right on holding her. Resting his cheek on her head. Loving on her. Wrapping his daddy arms around her little self.

And slowly she began to relax in his arms.

Slowly she let her guard down.

Slowly she let herself be loved by her daddy.

While we all laughed at her I was hit with this:

"This is how you are with Me. Stop squirming and let Me love you."

The days I wonder why God gave me Spice, the kiddo I just don't know how to deal with sometimes...I'll just remember this.

He's teaching me through her.

I wriggle. I squirm. I kick.

And all He wants to do is love me.

happy girl..happy me

happy tuesday!

so far so good for today. no one is bleeding, broken or bawling. amazing!

and my dishes are done, that always makes the day wonderful.

my sweet, little, soon-to-be two year old woke me at 6 am letting me know she'd dropped her pacifier. i fumbled around for it with one sleepy eye open. didn't find one. remembered i had one in my sweatshirt pocket. plugged her back up and she fell back to sleep.

my nearly five year old was snuggled up with her daddy in bed and i couldn't go back to sleep. so, i finished up some dishes (by hand since our dishwasher is once again on the fritz.) made the pioneer woman's sour cream pancakes, some bacon and brewed some coffee.

morning silence is so peaceful. it's one of my favorite things. so often i find myself snuggling in bed and missing out on being up before anyone else in the house. today reminded me why i need to be up early.

yesterday was such a frazzled day and only because i let it be. slowly i'm realizing that my attitude is so much of why our day is deemed good or bad. i have so much to be thankful for and even a crabby baby is something to be thankful for.

today i'm headed to my in-laws to clean. i love them.

yesterday i got a phone call. a phone call i wasn't expecting. it may seem dramatic to say it changed my life but in a way, it kinda did. still in awe. still smiling. my heart is full.

if i haven't mentioned it recently, i'm thankful for my mom. for our renewed relationship. and for the way she makes me laugh.

i'm so excited for what i have planned for her. (and if you are someone who knows what it is...shhhh...she reads here every 7 months)

my girls are beating each other up in the other room, so i should end this post, break up their fight and head to my in-laws.

what's one thing you're thankful for today?

Post Weekend

The Monday after a very fun weekend away is always hard for me.

Whenever we hang out with Jim and Emily, we leave on such a high. When we get home I find myself sad that we don't have friends closer to where we live.

And then Monday makes me feel blah.

Guess it's better to focus on the fun than the laundry I have to do today.

Fun stuff from the weekend:

1. My girls being loved on by Jim and Emily's girlies.
2. Creepy Hairy Creepy
3. Josh getting to go paragliding and having a day to hang out with his awesome friend
4. Shopping and hanging out with Emily - thankful for a friend who loves used goods as much as I do!
5. Taco bake and pico de gallo with a Mike's Hard Lemonade yum!
6. Late evening trip to Starbucks on Saturday night
7. Bike ride with Josh, Jim (clad in a green bandana) and Emily for another Starbucks run.
8. Goat talk (still dying over this)
9. Beth and Rachel not wanting us to leave (love these girls!)
10. Planning our camping trip in June!

So, while doing laundry today and dealing with a crabby baby, I'm going to think about the good stuff from the weekend instead of focusing on the fact we had to leave.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do...

The Purpose of the Fishy Cracker

My new routine of doing things around here is leaving me with this new, amazing, absolutely wonderful feeling.

Peaceful.

Like I said here, I do laundry on Monday and Thursday and clean my house on Thursday as well. No house cleaning except on Thursday. None. Well, except dishes. And I've decided after each time I do dishes, it's just best to sweep, too, since somehow we miss our mouths and food ends up on the floor.

(if you saw me, that last statement would be hard for you to believe)

Last night my sister Megan asked if she could come over for the day today. Her, my mom and my niece and nephew came over this morning. Wednesday. The day before cleaning day. The day of the week that looks the worst. When the floor needs mopped, the carpet needs vacuumed, the toothpaste needs chiseled outta the sink...

But ya know, I just let it be. The house was tidy. It was fine. I didn't feel like I had to make it look perfect. And it felt so good! So freeing!

When we've had company come over in the last few weeks, there's been zero stress. Zero feelings that I have to do such and such to make it seem perfect.

This was a status of my friend, Kerra, on FB the other day:

So I've noticed that lately, I've been gravitating towards friends with 'lived-in' (messy) houses. If I go to someone's house and it's spotless, it makes me feel inadequate. Weird? So if you need to feel a little better about your housekeeping skills, come on over to my house. It's a mess, and I love it. We'll have coffee and shove the toys/fruit snacks/animal hair out of the way and TALK & LAUGH!!

I loved this. Definitely put the whole perfect house thing in perspective for me. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable if the entire house is too clean. I want people to feel welcome. I want people to want to come over.

And if I have to smash some fishy crackers to get that, then I will!

(I'll just sweep 'em up immediately after they leave.)

Mid Week Random

I have a sore throat.

The last time I had a sore throat I ended up in an emergency clinic because it was to the point I could not swallow. I had to spit for days. It was awful.

I'm painting the inside of my grandma's house. It's going to be so much brighter in there!

I'm giving my mom a present and it's going to be fun. Can't wait to give it to her. Hope she likes it.

It's not a baby, in case you were wondering.

We're going to see Jim and Emily this weekend. Pretty excited about that! I love how well Josh and Jim get along. It's wonderful to watch my husband have a friend.

Having my husband home in the evenings has been the most fun ever. You know, besides our fight. I have a friend. A companion. An ally. It's beautiful.

My dreams for Tennessee just don't seem possible and it pretty much breaks my heart. I feel it'd be forever til we could go as a family but I wouldn't want to go alone. Can y'all just move out here, please!?

I just uploaded about 400 pictures today. My poor computer will never want to run again.

Gave my iPhone to my friend, Melissa. It's going to save me quite a bit of money each month. It's weird to go back to a regular cell phone. I was very spoiled for a whole year. I treasure those moments.

I haven't had Starbucks in a couple of days. My head hurts. She knows that she hasn't had the real stuff. One cup of coffee a day is much better for me but oh, how I miss my breve.

Not sure what to make for dinner tonight. Kinda not feeling like cooking. Since I'm not going to be here anyway, why should I have to cook, right? RIGHT?!

6.5 weeks til my birthday. 6.5 weeks since I was supposed to mail off Laura's goods for winning the birthday giveaway. Laura...LAURA, I promise I'm getting the goods on Friday and shipping them ASAP!

6.5 weeks til I get high lights for my hair. And a trim. I haven't had my hair trimmed since, uh, August...

My girls are up from their naps. Thus ending this really boring post.

Sometimes fighting is good

My husband and I don't fight.

No, seriously. We don't.

It's weird. I know that it is. Most couples fight. Right?

But last week something changed. We had a fight. Like a full on, actual fight. To where we went to bed angry, didn't talk much the next day and are still feeling the lingering affects a week later.

I've been so thrown for a loop because we just don't do that.

I told a friend - half jokingly - "We don't fight. We don't. I mean, we file for divorce but we never fight."

The reason I was only half joking is because it's true and it's not really funny. We don't fight.

But we have filed for divorce.

We filed nearly six years ago.

Obviously we didn't go through with it but it's still on public record. I've seen it.

This fight has been one of the weirdest things to go through. I'm learning more about my husband and more about myself and our marriage. Realizing that we take each other for granted - our marriage for granted. We've been to marital hell and back but that doesn't mean we can't go there again. It doesn't mean that just because the divorce papers were ripped up five years ago that our marriage is free and clear. Good to go. On the fast track to happiness.

Nope.

We still have to work at it.

Fight for it.

And I guess, fight with each other for it.

A picture is worth a thousand words

But today I didn't bust out the camera.

Today, we lived in the moment instead of freezing them in picture format.

The entire week it's been predicted that we'd have mid 70's weather today. Sunshine, beautiful sunshine. Josh and I planned that we'd plant our garden today.

For several years we've wanted to plant a garden. We have the perfect area for it. We've been dumping our grass clippings in the same area for years now; spreading them out, mulching 'em into the ground. And the people who lived here before us had pigs in that area.

It's going to be some fertile ground.

A few weeks back we bought onions, squash, zucchini, corn, beans, carrots, watermelon (blech!), jalapenos and green peppers. Today we bought tomatoes.

We got out ourselves out of bed around 7 and our new Saturday routine is that Josh will make breakfast on Saturdays. So, today he made bacon and potatoes and coffee. Mmm. Then, we put the girls in some grubby clothes and headed out the door around 8:30.

In no time at all they are covered in dirt.

Head.

to.

Toe.

We rode our bikes into town for a bit and headed back home.

Josh tilled the area and I laid Spice down for a late morning nap. The freshly tilled dirt beckoned Sugar to it. She could resist no longer.

"Can I play in it, Mama?" Almost begging.

"Sure! Why not?!"

Within seconds she has stripped herself of all her clothing besides her undies and is rolling in the dirt. Throwing it in the air. Rolling. Sliding her hands through it. Rolling some more.

"Come on, Mama! Come play in the dirt with me!" Her eyes are twinkling. She's in her element. I can't refuse her.

I run inside. Change into shorts and a tank top and head back outside.

Josh is on the other side, still tilling, when I throw myself into the freshly tilled dirt next to my insane 4 year old.

We crawl around in it like puppy dogs. She crawls under me. I shove her down. We both laugh.

Josh is smiling.

We plant the seeds. Sugar is very excited to be a part of this.

"I can plant. I'm a good helper."

Spice woke from her nap. She likes the dirt, too, but is a little more cautious about getting dirty.

But she plays.

Quite awhile later Josh took the shovel and loosened up the dirt where the girls normally play.

And then he filled it with water.

It's nearing 7 pm when he does this.

Sugar thought she'd died and gone to heaven. In seconds her clothes were off again and she jumped in the mud, splashing it everywhere. Spice wanted down for a bit, got her hands dirty and then wanted up.

"Peas?"

And so I lifted her dirty little self up into my arms. And she took her muddy, pudgy, little hands and put them on my cheeks.

She loves when I fill my cheeks with air and she can pop them.

Tonight, mud and all, she wanted to do this.

We finally decided it was time to head in. Sugar stood at the sliding glass door waiting to be carried into the bathroom. I placed her in the tub, turned on the shower and watched as mud filled the tub. I rinsed her. Dumped Spice in. Rinsed her as well. Then filled the tub with warm water.

We made popcorn and had a "popcorn picnic" as Sugar called it, in the living room.

Sugar climbed into Josh's lap, Spice into mine. I read a book. The girls got sleepy.

We laid them in their beds, prayed with them, gave them kisses and turned out their light.

I didn't take a single picture today but this day will forever be in my memory. I'll forever remember Sugar rolling in the dirt, begging me to join her and giving in to her. I'll remember Spice's muddy hands on my cheeks and her smile that melts me every time.

I'm learning that some days it's okay to just leave the camera in the bag and live the memories we're making.

Amy Beth

There are some of you out there who just read blogs to read them. To enjoy the thoughts, pictures, etc. of others. But you don't find yourself in any way attached to the people whose lives you read about day after day, year after year. You're just here to read and there's nothing wrong with that.

However, I'm not one of those people.

I read the words, hearts and lives of several women and I become attached. Their heart is my heart.

My husband knows many of you by name, can recognize you by your picture and knows what you did last weekend. I talk about you as if we are all just regular ol' pals.

I've had the blessing of meeting a few of you. Hearing your sweet voices, hugging you, camping with you, shopping with you, eating sushi with you (blech) but there are many of you that I've just not met face to face yet.

This hasn't stopped me from loving you, praying for you, laughing with you, rejoicing with you and crying with you. You are my sisters in Christ and I'm honored to know you, even if it's only through the internet.

For about two years now I've been reading Amy Beth's blog. To read her blog is to fall in love her, it just is. We couldn't lead lives any more different but her posts-her heart...they draw me in. She's funny and she's sweet. One day a post can be about how high her hair is and the next she can be talking about her relationship with Jesus. She'll write about her puppies, former boyfriends, her singleness, what it's like to have Mono, the Wii, her cooking (in)abilities, her college girls...

and then the next minute she's talking about a disease that's threatening to take away her chance at having children of her own one day.

Ovarian Disease.

Through Twitter today I found the blog of a girl who knows Amy Beth personally. Today's post is dedicated to Amy Beth. Today, Jenn Leigh asks if we'll commit one hour of our day tomorrow to pray for our sweet friend.

So, I'm committing to do just that.

Will you please join me?

All or nothing is so old school. I'm workin' on the middle ground.

All or nothing.

Black or white.

100% or zero.

There's no middle ground.

No grey.

When I put my mind to something I go full force and if/when I realize it's not going to be the outcome I'm wanting, I throw it away. Put it in a closet, never to be seen again. Never tell anyone about it.

My house is an example of my all or nothing mentality:

I'll go for a few weeks cleaning, cleaning, cleaning like a mad woman, ignoring the fact that I have children or a husband and I'll have a really nice clean house.

Of course no one stops by unannounced during that time.

Then I'll have a couple of weeks where I'm completely feeling guilty about how much time I spent cleaning and not paying attention to the blessings I call children or the stud I call husband. So, I'll then let the house fall apart around me, the laundry pile up, the menu plan gets thrown to the wind and I don't take showers.

This, of course, is when people I haven't seen in ages show up.

It's just how my life is.

Or, was.

Going to counseling has been one of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life. It hasn't been easy. But it's been good. Some of the issues I've had to face about myself have not been pretty. I thought what I looked like on the outside was bad...man, oh, man the inside is even worse.

One of the hardest issues I've had to deal with and work through has been expectations.

Mostly of myself.

I have extremely high, ridiculous, out of this world expectations of myself.

The thing of it is, I didn't realize they were too high until I started listing them out and realizing that for the most part, people just don't accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish.

And, even if they do, do I really want to look like them?

My counselor asked me to think of someone in my life that I know, who I feel "has it all together." I very quickly had the person in mind.

"Is she approachable to you?"

Heck, no.

"Do you want people to feel that way about you? Do you want to be unapproachable?"

Heck, no.

Does my house always have to be perfectly clean? Does the bathroom need cleaned two or three times a week? Do I need to mop every week? Does the laundry hamper have to be completely empty at all freaking times?

Heck, no.

But, you see, that's how I view it. That's how I thought it was supposed to be. That's how I thought I was supposed to work it. I thought that's what you do. And so I'd try and try and try and I'd "succeed" for a couple of weeks and then I'd realize I was exhausted and couldn't remember taking care of my children's needs for the last who knows how long and I'd had enough.

So, then I'd say, "screw it!"

And the walls came tumbling down.

Because if it wasn't 100% it was NOTHING.

Then, in a few minutes time, my counselor helped me to see that I don't have to do things like that. There needs to be middle ground.

I need to pick one day to clean. And two days to do laundry. And then don't do anything in between those days. Yes, I'm to keep up on dishes and picking up toys but no scrubbing toilets or vacuuming or laundry on days that they aren't specified.

I feel like a brand new person. I feel free. And this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life.

I did laundry on Monday. I washed, I dried, I FAPA'd (folded and put away) five loads of laundry. When evening came, I left the rest. I knew we all had undies, socks and jeans for the week, there wasn't any reason to finish up the rest. Thursday would be here soon enough.

Tuesday and Wednesday I just enjoyed my house and the people who live here with me. I had a very impromptu birthday party for my sweet youngest sister and while they were on their way to my house I did not scramble to make everything look perfect. I just left it be. I let it look like I have two kids. I let it look like we live here.

Thursday is the day I've chosen to clean my house and do laundry again.

So, I swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom.
Dusted
Cleaned the tub, toilet and sink.
Changed all our sheets and washed everything that was left in the basket.
Cleared out the clutter on my counter tops (bills, toys, etc)
I think there was more but I can't remember. I didn't get the fridge cleaned out but I'll get to it this Thursday.

I want to be approachable. I want to live my days. I want to enjoy my days. I want people to want to come here because my house isn't perfect; it's clean and maybe a wee bit cluttery but it's lived in.

And most importantly, loved in.

I don't want to be all or nothing. I want some middle ground. I want to be approachable. I want my house to be a joy -a haven- for all who live here, love here, visit here.

How about you? Are you approachable?

I skipped class a couple of times in high school, once for french fries. Skipping a giveaway in April but not for french fries.

Could the title to this post get any longer?!

It's the tenth of April.

In case you were wondering. It's been days upon days since I've blogged.

I've been living.

Not blogging.

And I'm rather enjoying myself.

Seeing how I've yet to send sweet Laura last month's bloggy birthday giveaway prize, I don't think I will be having a giveaway for April.

Sorry, friends!

I'll be more on top of things next month.

No, really, I will be.

(and those of you who know me are like, "yeah, freakin' right, Sarah!")

To that I say...

Yeah, you're probably right. But I'll try!

Placing an Order for Larger Windows...Pronto

Do you all love text messaging as much as I do?

I really really really love to send and receive text messages. Makes my heart flutter! A trillion million things go through my mind when I hear the indicator that I've received a new text. Who will it be from? What's it gonna say? Will there be a picture? Is it going to be appropriate? You know, stuff like that.

One of the beauties of text messaging is that you can carry on with whatever you're doing and the person you're texting with has no idea but it's okay, you're still textversing (that's the completely made up version of texting and conversing)(in case you weren't already aware).

You can be doing dishes, combing a child's hair, changing diapers, going to the bathroom (oh, don't tell me you haven't!) reading a book or...

climbing through a bathroom window and the person on the other end is none the wiser.

Such was the case a couple of months ago when Amy Beth and I were having a textervation (text conversation...following me yet?) It was late. It was dark. It was cold.

And Spice locked me out of the house.

Locked.

Me.

Out.

The kid's not even two and she's already figured out how to dead-bolt the place. This could be a good thing, it could. But it wasn't this dark and stormy night.

So, Amy Beth and I are having our textervation. She has no clue I just yelled outside. I just continue texting back. She's no idea I'm frantically checking windows, praying to GOD that one of them will be unlocked. Nope, we just keep on-uh textin'.

Amy Beth can't tell I'm out of breath.

She doesn't know that I keep going back to the front door begging Spice to "pretty please with no gluten/dairy/eggs or peanuts on top OPEN THE FRIGGIN' door already!"

Nope.

To her, I'm calm. Cool. Collected. *snort*

Unlike the other time we had a textervation going on. She knew all about what was going on, whether she wanted to or not.

There came a point the night I was locked out that I had to set down my blessed iPhone. (God bless the iPhone) This moment came when I found, praise be to Jesus, that the bathroom window was unlocked! Of course the bathroom window is small, and ahem, I am not.

It was time to put the phone down for a minute and figure out how I was going to hoist myself into the window.

I stood on our air conditioning unit, opened the window and saw Clifford (our new cat) running up and down the hallway like a moron. Spice came into the bathroom, yelling, "HI!" like a moron...

Sadly, the air conditioner was not tall enough for me to get to the window. Blast!

I jumped off the ac unit, replied to the most recent text from Amy Beth, set the phone back down and got to thinking about what I could stand on that would boost me high enough to get to the window.

cue lightbulb moment...

Our garbage can.

I wheel the green thing on over. I step up on the ac unit, I then step up onto the garbage can, say a praise that it's dark and neighbors and passersby cannot see what I'm about to do and head right foot first into the window.

Nope.

Not gonna happen.

So, I started the Hokey-Pokey. Put my right leg in, took my right leg out, put my right arm in...

Ummm....anyway....

I ended up having to go head first.

Clifford's still running back and forth through the hall. Spice is still standing there, staring at me like I'm the moron and I'm cursing the fact that I'm as wide as I am tall and thinking, "why the hay aren't windows made 5'2" x 5'2"?"

I mean, COME ON! It'd make breaking into my house so much less embarrassing and a little more comfortable on my body and my pride.

I made it in. No thanks to Spice or Clifford. I then unlocked the house, retrieved my cell phone from the hood of my van and resumed my textervation with Amy Beth. With her none the wiser of my little mishap. You know, til later when I told her and she's like, "you're blogging that, right?"

Yep, just a couple months later. When my pride has recovered a bit.

Mid-Week Random

Hi.

I'm here.

Really.

Just busy. Busy with our remodel. Busy with Josh's staycation. Busy buying coffee.

So, here's some random:

My dishwasher is leaking. Has been for a few weeks. I've been doing dishes by hand. My hands are currently on strike. They're tired, cracked, sore and red.
(I'm not purchasing gloves, then I'd have to dishes. If my hands go on strike...JOSH has to do dishes.)

My girls have already started the two baths per day that summer brings. I'll gladly bathe them twice a day for the weather we've been having. LOVE IT! They eat dirt, throw dirt, roll in dirt and smell like dirt. Little girls and dirt...LOVE IT!

Our kitty earned his keep today by catching two mice outside. He caught them, corralled them, then handed them over to Shadow who finished them off. Loving my animals today.

You know you're loved when someone is on your doorstep at 10 pm with two bags full of groceries for your special food diet child. TWO BAGS FULL! I didn't cry. I held it together. But it's been nearly a week and I'm still freaking out about it. Thank you, Treena and family...love you guys.

You also know you're loved when your CPA friend is at the busiest time of her year and she asks to meet for lunch during a rare non-working moment. And for a girl whose Love Language is Quality Time...gotta tell ya, I was feeling the love on Sunday. Kristie, thanks for loving me..I love you, too.

Jesus answered a very specific prayer request I had. I'm so stinkin' happy I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday I spent some time with a couple of awesome teenagers. Josh and I were sitting around the table with them, asking them about their goals for the future. Seriously, if I'd had half their ambition! I said, "what if you meet a boy when you're 16 and he proposes when you're 17?" Ohhh if I could have captured the looks on their faces! Priceless. I told them that that's what had happened with us. Then we quickly told them we did not recommend getting married that young. 35-40 is much better. ;)

I'm gaining weight at lightning speed. Don't be jealous.

One of my best friends from high school is coming over on Friday for dinner, drinks and games. I'm so super excited.

My husband is wearing Wranglers and no shirt at the moment. Yum.

Speaking of my Wrangler clad husband, he had to pull a nail from our little neighbor boy's foot yesterday. Josh said it was stuck nearly an inch in his foot. Owie.

Sugar now eats a whole PB sandwich. And will often ask for more. How is it she can eat like she does and weigh 40 lbs and I eat like that and I weigh 140? Sigh...

I have a friend who's pregnant. I love pregnant people. I loved being pregnant. I didn't love the 20 weeks of puking all day everyday but I loved pregnancy.

I miss being pregnant.

Maybe I should tell my husband.

And then he'll have me committed.

Maybe I should ask for a dog instead. I miss having a Beagle. Why would anyone (who's had one) miss a Beagle?!

I'm asking for a dad for my birthday. Seein' how it's my 30th birthday comin' up, I'm asking for big stuff. Like a dad. A Beagle.

And maybe a baby.

Most likely not a baby.

I might be crazy but my husband isn't.

Yet.

Finding my Joy again

From the time I was in middle school I've absolutely loved taking pictures. Maybe I should back up and say that from the time I was born I've absolutely loved having my picture taken. But then I had kids and I no longer enjoy having my picture taken.

But I do love being behind the camera.

Always have.

My mom bought me my first camera when I was a freshman in high school. I have picture after picture of the most random things (usually involving one of, if not all of these girls: Candee, Melissa and Lindsey) and of specific church events and school events. I love the memories that pictures bring.

About a year ago we purchased a digital Nikon. I now have way more camera than I need. More camera than I care for. Don't get me wrong, I love 'er. But mostly I like to point, shoot and enjoy the picture as is. I don't care about the editing. I don't care about removing the imperfections from the photo or trying to add to the photo to perfect it. Nothing's perfect...not my kids, not my yard, not my husband (though he's close) and most certainly not my photography skills.

Basically I have none.

I like to take pictures of my kids in our real life. Messy house, snotty faces, dirty looks, over-grown yard, cluttered driveway, clothes on the couch waiting to be folded.

I just don't care.

At least I didn't used to.

I noticed recently that I have not taken more than a handful of pictures since Christmas. And even those I haven't printed yet. I started thinking about why I hadn't been taking pictures. It didn't take me long to realize why I quit getting my normally-attached-to-my-neck camera out.

I've started comparing each and every picture I take to the pictures I see everyone else taking.

I started feeling bound with fear each time I turned my camera on.

I started worrying that posting a picture would be laughed at because the lighting was off, the angle wrong, or whatever else could be wrong about my picture.

By comparing myself to others I lost joy in what used to bring me a sense of happiness.

While realizing this, I also realized it doesn't stop with photography. It's been a running theme in nearly every area of my life.

I used to blog almost daily. Once I started this blog, I couldn't stop. I loved it.

Then I started reading other blogs. Seeing how funny, insightful, witty, deep, spiritual, crafty, frugal, perfectly punctuated other women were made me see that this blog of mine as a joke. I lost sight of my reason for starting it in the first place - so my girls could read about our lives through my eyes and my heart, so they'd know how much I love them and their daddy no matter how crazy I am and so they could hopefully learn from my mistakes and do better by their husbands and children.

I lost my joy in blogging when I started comparing my lil ol' blog with everyone elses.

I've told you many times that my dream in life was to be a wife and mama. If I'm living my dream, then where's the joy in it I once had? It's lost in my comparison of myself as a wife and mother with other women around me that I see doing it "better" or who are "successful" in their roles as wife and mom. I wasn't created to be those other women. I wasn't created to mother the way other women mother or be the wife that other women are. Yet I've been comparing myself to them for years now.

Because of it, I've lost the joy that comes with the blessing of being a wife and mom.

But I'm done.

I'm done with comparing me to them.

In every way - those I've listed and those I haven't.

I just want to be me. The wife and mama that I am. The photographer that I am - and of course I use that term loosely. The simple, no frills, useless blogger that I am.

Just me.

Finding joy again.

Proverbs 3 verses five and six

My husband has a new job. His dream job.

The short version of this story?

God.

G-O-D

Period.

Long version?

Before I go any further I want to thank all of you and I do mean ALL OF YOU for your love, prayers, emails, phone calls and encouraging words over the last year.

This truck life has been tough. Real tough. Honestly, it's been much harder than we anticipated. Mostly because we never realized how much we liked being at home til we were never here. We never realized just how loudly Spice cried until we were stuck in a truck with her.

I'd like to say the weeks that the girls and I were with Josh weren't that bad. But I can't. They were bad. Of course there was fun mixed in and a lot of adventures we'd never have been on if we hadn't gone. But all in all, those were hard weeks. Then when fall and winter rolled around and the weather and roads were awful, we stayed home while Josh went out alone.

These last few months have not been easy on us. I started resenting my husband. I couldn't go out in the truck with him because the roads were bad and we agreed it wouldn't be wise to have all of us in the truck. And he couldn't be home in the evenings to help me with the girls.

We all missed him being home. He missed being home.

Then he was offered the opportunity to buy the truck and trailers.

And I about had a heart attack on the spot.

Every awful feeling possible came. While the offer was good in some ways, ie...no interest, no bank involvement, etc. I just couldn't shake the panicky feeling I had.

So I emailed my friend Laura in TN and she promptly emailed back saying that for my husband to make an informed decision I had to let him know how I felt. And if he still chose to buy the truck, well, that's when being a submissive wife really comes in to play.

Later that night I talked to Josh. Told him how I felt.

AND THE MAN UNDERSTOOD.

AND AGREED.

No, Hell has not frozen over. I checked.

I felt so bad asking him to give up his dream job again (he quit driving truck when Sugar was born.) I hated thinking he'd be stuck with a job he hated.

But he knew that things at home weren't going well and that we needed him here. I needed him here. He decided he'd try to get a job in the welding supply business again. This is what he's done since high school graduation, it's what he knows, it's what he's good at. It's also the place he quit before going OTR. So, instead of trying to get his job back, he decided he'd call the competition. He didn't want to. Didn't feel right about it but decided to go for it anyway.

Then he remembered he'd signed a "no-compete" clause. Since I'd thrown it away he didn't know exactly what it said but we were pretty sure it stated he had to wait at least two years before he could work for a welding supply company again. But to know for sure what it said, he'd have to get a copy of it.

Sooo...he had to call the HR department (HR dept is located at the main office, three hours from where we live) and request a copy. The lady told him she wasn't trying to give him a run around but that the safe where they're kept was broken and it'd be a few days before she could fax it. Josh agreed, what else could he do?

Within minutes - literally- he received a call from his previous manager asking if he was looking for a job. At this time Chad and Nancy (Josh's current employers) weren't aware he was job searching so Josh was a little nervous to tell the guy that he was indeed looking for a job. First he wanted to know how Shane knew. HR lady called the VP of the company informing him of Josh's request, VP then called Shane - Josh's previous manager.

The next day Josh talked to the VP. btw...VP's name is Mike. Mike told Josh that he was in the middle of setting up a big account but they'd taken it slow because they didn't have the right driver.

Til now.

The job would be driving a semi (YAY!) hauling chlorine. He'll make occasional trips over to Tacoma to load the chlorine then drive back over and deliver it locally. And a trip every few weeks or so that would be over night. But 90% of the time he'll be home EVERY NIGHT!

He told Josh he'd have all his same pay and benefits but they didn't know a start date.

During this whole time Josh is feeling bad about telling Chad and Nancy he's going to quit.

Little did we know, they were ready to sell the trucks and be done with the business!

Is God's timing not the greatest?

Josh has been back and forth with Mike about a start date. Mike couldn't ever give him one and we were starting to get pretty nervous. Especially when Chad told Josh that they weren't wanting his truck on the road after the end of March, meaning we had a month to get all the details worked out with the new job.

Then, outta no where Josh gets a call from a guy in town that he doesn't know offering him a job. The benefits and pay are way less but he could have started right then and there. The guy (Danny, I think) had heard Josh's current boss was getting out and that Josh was going to need a job. He started making calls around town asking about Josh. He told Josh that he'd heard nothing but people singing his praises. ☺ So, they offered him a job.

The only incentive was that he knew for sure he'd have a job.

But we both felt like the Lord just wanted us to wait it out. So, he didn't take the job.

Finally, after nearly two months of planning, preparation, etc. Mike called Josh, told him that he didn't have everything completely ready but that he knew Josh needed to start the hiring process. Then, the phone rang after that and his current boss told him he had one week (this week) left, then they'd pay him for a week of vacation and then he was done.

So, the way it's worked out is that he's driving this week, has a week of vacation (his first vacation in over 3.5 years) and then starts his new job on the 29th.

HOW COOL IS THAT?!

They also offered him more money than we thought they would and told him that in six months they'd review it and if all was going well, they'd give him a raise.

I love that my husband is going to be home at night.

I love that he still gets to drive a big truck.

And mostly I love how Jesus worked it all out.

Finally remembered I was supposed to post a winner

Sorry. A million times over, I'm sorry!

I know I was supposed to announce the winner of the bloggy birthday giveaway a week and a half ago but I have lost track of time AND MY MIND!

So, random.org has randomly chosen contestant/commenter number 2 which was Laura S!

I'll be sending out some toenail polish to you, stat!

Tomorrow's post...

My husband's NEW job!

And now I need a nap for about six months straight

Friends, I'm exhausted. I realized it this morning.

I am emotionally drained.

To the point that I'm thinking a panic attack is in order. Along with a trip to McDonald's and Starbucks.

My purse. Last Thursday we got some not so wonderful news and had to make a trip to Wal Mart for some unexpected groceries. I left Wal Mart and 40 minutes later I realized I'd left my purse in the cart. I'd already gotten Spice's jammies on (Sugar was with her daddy) but I had to dash back to the store. I was praying like crazy. While it would suck to have to replace everything in my purse, there'd be no way to replace my journal. I was mortified to think of anyone reading it. Ugh! I called Josh. Sent a text to my mom and my friend Melissa to please pray. I parked right next to the cart return where I'd placed my cart and my purse was not to be found. I went to Customer Service and praise God, some man had returned it! Nothing was touched. Not even my six bucks cash. Everything was there. I still get all shaken up when I think about it though. I was so scatterbrained in that moment.

Job. I posted a week (was it two?) ago that my husband is getting a new job. He is. The timing of everything is sketchy and scary. And let me put it to you this way...as of April 1st my husband will not have a job if this new one does not come through. Needless to say, I'm worried. Josh isn't so much. He's confident that all of what's happening is perfect timing and that there's no need to worry. Can you guess which one of us looks at the glass half full while the other one looks at it as half empty?

Marriage. In my life right now there are four marriages that are looking grim. People I love. Care for. Hurt for. Pray for. I know their marriage struggles are not about me but it's amazing how you can let others hurts and needs affect you to the point of being ill. I realized this morning I've been praying for these other marriages and have been failing to pray for my own. Josh and I have hit bottom and have come through by the grace of God but just because we've already been down a dark road doesn't mean we're immune to it happening again. I still need to be praying for us.

Money. Right now Josh makes decent money, not a fortune but comfy. We have - literally - 52 cents in our savings account. We've never ever been wise with our money but we've always paid all our bills and have been able to eat out when we want, have Starbucks, internet, cell phones, vehicles, etc. The glorious life, right? Pfft. Well, with this job change it's very likely our income will be cut tremendously. I'm in the process of reducing our insurance on our vehicles (I finally looked up what I'm actually paying and what I'm paying for and realized we have more coverage than we need) I'm working up the nerve to cut our cell phone down to one. Josh's boss pays 3/4 of our cell bill. Come April first she'll pay 0/4 of our cell bill. We can't afford it. I'm tired of bills. Not the ones I must pay but the ones I don't need to pay. The ones I've brought upon myself. Cell phones, internet, car payments, etc. They make me tired. I'm tired of being tired.

Alison. Our Spice of life. Oh, my sweet baby girl. We had her allergy tested and the results came back last Thursday. Before the doctor told me the results, her exact words were, "I'm sorry, this is as bad as it gets." She's highly allergic to eggs, gluten and wheat and dairy. Oh, and she's allergic to peanuts. Since Friday we've had to get creative with her food. It's not been easy since I'm trying to cut back on groceries. This weekend we'll be headed to Portland, OR so I'll be able to hit up Whole Foods and hopefully be able to stock up on a bunch of ingredients for her. I've decided not to grocery shop this week for our regular stuff (eating up what we already have on hand) so I can save up and use it at Whole Foods. Since she was two weeks old I have felt so ill-equipped to be her mama. This just tops it off. I want to help her. I want to do something for her. I want to do it right. I'm panicked that this is just one more thing I'm going to fail at.

Family. I've had to make a big decision in my life that wasn't easy to make. I feared it would disrupt some of the good relationships I've been having with my family. But big decisions needed to be made despite rocking boats. Still waiting to see the ripples from it.

Fat. That's me. Still. I'm currently on a rewards system with my husband. For every five pounds I lose he'll buy me a present. There's a purse I want at Target and he says when I lose five pounds I can have it. But then the dummy went and bought ice cream last night after dinner. I think he doesn't want to have to buy me the purse. Maybe he likes me fat rolls afterall, huh?

Dinner. It's 6:30 and I'm about to give the girls the same meal they've had 3 times already since Friday. Spaghetti. It's easy and allergy free.

Okay, I'm done with my pity party. Thanks for letting me vent. I'll be back tomorrow with the winner of the giveaway.

You decide what YOU want

It's the second of March.

Can you believe that?!? Me either.

And with the beginning of a month I'm reminded that I'm to give something away. We only have FOUR more giveaways!

But at the moment, I'm at a loss for an idea of what to give away.

Here are things I considered and then decided against.

1. Spice - while a lil on the naughty side, she's too cute to give away.

2. A weekend trip to Lincoln City - hello, I need this! So, my husband and I are going next weekend. just.the.two.of.us!!!

3. A bag of Oreos - whoops! too late. they're gone.

4. A Starbucks giftcard my sweet father-in-law gave me for helping out a couple weekends ago. I've almost used it all up, I wouldn't feel right giving you the 12 bucks that's left. (um, because that's 3 more coffees for me!)

5. The scale in my bathroom - it appears to be broken or something, it shows these huge numbers I'm not used to, so I don't think you'd want it. But I don't want it either. So maybe I should give it away...

So, there you have it. Things I considered and thought better of.

What do you want?!?

Leave a comment with something you'd like me to send you. If it's reasonable (like 10-15 bucks reasonable) I'll consider it along with my scale and you're entered in for the giveaway!

Hurry up and leave a comment. I'll announce Friday who won what. ☺