Heart Issue

Seeing as how my last post was funny, I thought I'd make this one...not so funny. Gotta balance it out, don't ya know?

With the New Year and all, and my bajillion resolutions, one of them was to lose 20 lbs. Ugh.

I had a baby 18 months ago. I can't blame this on her. She's a year and a half for crying out loud. How I would loooove to blame it on being baby weight. But...it isn't.

My weight was never a struggle for me until Josh and I got married. Ooooh, I'll blame him. Okay...maybe that's not so good, either. Anyway, I did the whole birth control thing and ballooned up. Within about 6 months of our blissful newlywedness I had gained 30 lbs. On a 5'2" frame...that's not very pretty.

For four years I whined, cried and complained about it. My SIL started the Weigh Down Diet and was successful in losing weight. So, I finally got sick of myself complaining about being overweight and tried it out. Some of you may or may not have heard about Weigh Down. It's the diet that's not a diet. You aren't deprived of all the foods you love. You can eat anything you want. Yes...anything. Chocolate. Bread. Meat. Whatever. Just as long as you're hungry for it. And as long as you don't eat it until your zipper bursts on your pants...or your elastic in your sweats doesn't bust.

It's the easiest and most difficult non-diet there is. When you don't have any restrictions, ya freak. It's hard to trust yourself to eat the chocolate but it's so freeing to know that you don't have to give up those favorite foods.

Well, in 2002 I was successful at losing 35 lbs. I loved it. I felt great. Then two years later, I get pregnant and gain 52 lbs! UGH-ola!

I lost quite a bit of it after Jaylee was born. But I still have a good 20 to go. It's been a huge struggle. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

This last weekend we were in Portland for New Year's and we went to the mall. There was a store that I fell in love with but didn't want to buy "fat" clothes. So, I bought none. I decided right then I was going to go back to the Weigh Down non-diet and lose these 20 lbs. Oh, it's only been two days and I'm panicking.

The fear of failure is wrapping itself so tightly around my heart. Gwen Shamblin, author of Weigh Down, says that we eat to fill a void. Some of us just eat to fill the void in our stomachs (thin people) others eat to fill a void in their heart (me).

A void.

In my heart.

I know what it is. I just hate admitting it.

The void in my heart is my time with the Lord. Instead of being hungry for more of Him and time spent with Him, I've been "hungry" for food. It's filling the void. But it's causing me to be overweight in the process. And it's making me miserable. I don't have any clothes to wear because I refuse to buy any. I'm afraid to go out in public because I don't want anyone to stare at me or laugh at me. I don't feel I deserve my husband's physical attention. See? I'm miserable. And I've brought in on myself.

I did really well today though. I ate only when I was hungry and I stopped when I was politely full. It's a good feeling.

When I screwed up yesterday I was so stinkin' mad at myself. This morning when I woke up I wanted to quit even before I started. But ya know what? God is so good. He whispered to me, speaking the words I so needed to hear.

"My mercies are new every morning."

Isn't that the coolest?

Well, I bared my heart. Made myself vulnerable. But I think it's going to help me. It'll help me to be accountable to you. I'll share with you my journey. My ups and my downs. I know there will be many.

I'm just thankful He's with me each step of the way.

So, if you happen to be feeling this way too, take heart. We can do this together.