I do the dishes now but he loves me just the same as the days he was doing them.

Sunday is our 12th wedding anniversary.

Twelve years.

At year six, I never would have thought we'd see this day.

Never.

That was the year we filed for divorce.

We were done.

Through.

Finished.

Tired.

Over it.

It's not a time we talk about all that often.

But I know that as soon as we started the divorce process - I was sad.

Scared.

Lonely.

Regretful.

Miserable.

Wrong.

I'm sitting here trying to remember those days. They were dark days. As much I love summer, I often find myself in my darkest days during the most daylight filled hours of the year.

I'd lay in bed and try to think of all the things he did that annoyed me. Tried to justify why we were apart. I'd lay there and think I wasn't worthy of him anyhow. More justifying on my part. I'd think about how he'd brush my hair at night before we went to sleep. And I'd ache in my heart. I'd think about how he'd forgiven me for every wrong doing. And the tears would slide down my face and fall into my ears.

I'd think about his smile. His laugh. His hands. Oh, his hands. I'd think about his generosity. His desire to help anyone and everyone. Putting everyone before himself. Always.

I'd think of all the times he did the dishes. Washed his own clothes. Folded his own clothes and yes, put away his own clothes. He packed his own lunches. Made his own breakfast. And cleaned the house.

How in the world could he want me? Why in the world would he want me?

But he did. He does. For reasons that I'll never understand - this man loves me. He loved me then and he loves me now.

I'll never understand it.

However, I'll be forever grateful for it.

Happy Anniversary, love of my life. Thank you for loving me every day. Thank you for your patience with me as I continue to grow up. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for the life you provide me. Thank you for understanding my addiction to Starbucks.

And thank you for brushing my hair at night.

Hello

It's been a bit since I've blogged.

I've been reading your posts. Just not writing my own.

I'll update later. Right now I have sleeping children so I'm going to sit down with a book and enjoy some peace and quiet.

xoxo,
Sarah

me

random stuff ya never cared to know...

i'm left-handed.

i love orange.

and red.

my hair is naturally curly.

and unnaturally frizzy.

i tan easily.

i love that.

my teeth are crooked.

i hate that.

i love to cook.

mostly i love to eat.

it shows.

i didn't get my first real job til i was 23. how lame was i?

i miss being a barista.

which reminds me, i love coffee.

i'm short. like 5'2" short.

i like it.

always thought i'd marry someone tall.

my husband is 5'8". ☺

growing up i wanted five kids.

then i had kids.

i love the rain. mostly the smell.

i need sunshine, though, or i go a lil loco.

i want another tattoo. i have two. but three is a better number. don'tcha think?

my next plane ride WILL BE to tennessee. oh yes it will.

i woke up at 1 am last night (this morning?) and couldn't sleep til 3 am. i decided to diet again. so today i only ate one cupcake instead of two. i should kick these 30 lbs in no time!

i weigh ten pounds more today than i did a year ago at this time. ho hum.

we're camping at mt. rainier this weekend and i've yet to pack, prepare, etc.

have i mentioned i procrastinate?

the worst ages of my life were 9, 23 and 24. you couldn't pay me enough to relive those years.

i really loved being 14, 15 and 16.. 5 was good too. and 25.

i love my birthday.

but i think you prolly already know that, huh?

in 30 minutes my husband will be home from work. he's going to wonder where his dinner is and why i haven't packed for camping.

think blogging is a good enough excuse?

the wednesday ramble of the crazy mama

It's 12:13 pm.

My girls are down for naps.

Spice is screaming her ever lovin' head off.

It's what she does.

It's just what she does.

I was told that by changing her foods and ridding her of all the things she's allergic to that she'd sleep better and her attitude would change.

Lies.

All of them lies!

Yesterday was a very bad day. I kept reminding myself of the words I wrote to myself.

And I kept thinking...

lies, all of them lies!

Supposedly these are the best years. Supposedly I'm going to miss this age they're in. Supposedly they grow out of the tears and the whining and the crying and the screaming and the hitting and the driving me crazy.

Supposedly.

(unless you're Joey, then it's supposebly)

The thing I wanna know though, if these are such precious years, why do I loathe them so? Why do I feel so defeated? Why do I feel like putting my head under the covers at 6:30 every morning in hopes they don't find me? If these are such precious years why do I go to bed crying almost every night because of something I said or didn't say? Something I did or didn't do? Why do I want to change my name from Mama to Princess Never Gonna Have Kids?

I'm not doing it right.

I'm failing at this mothering deal.

I'm pretty sure my last post was a bunch of BS.

I don't think I'm gonna be surviving the day, the week or the month. Heck, I'm not sure if I'm going to make it til dinner tonight.

I'm glad I haven't bought the Kindergarten curriculum for Sugar. Do I really think I'm going to be able to homeschool in the midst of this chaos? I should give the kid a break from all the screaming and hitting from her sister. Give 'er a backpack and put 'er on a bus!

Pfffft. Forget it. I'm gettin' myself a backpack and gettin' on a bus.

stat.

words i wish someone would tell me

Sometimes it'd be nice to have someone in your life who tells you what you need to hear.

Not what you want to hear but what you need to hear.

Right now, I don't have that someone. Maybe you don't either. So maybe these are words you need to hear, too.

This is only a season you're in. Seasons of life don't necessarily follow the seasons of weather. Just because it's summertime outside, does not mean it's summertime in your life; in your heart; in your marriage; in your parenting; or in your faith. But, just because you feel like you're in the deepest part of winter in so many areas of your life, don't give up.

Do you hear me?

Don't give up.

Your marriage is going to have its highs and lows. Your husband doesn't ask you out on dates not because you're unattractive or boring to be around but because he's a man and most of the time stuff like that slips their mind. He loves you. He just shows his love in his own way. Look for that way that he's showing you and enjoy it. You may need to take initiative and go the extra mile if you want time with him. I don't care if you're always the one to plan, plan some more.

The kids are wearing you out. You are counting the minutes until naptime and then counting the minutes until bedtime. This is just the way it is sometimes. But you ARE going to get through it. It's just not all happy, blissful, pretty and lovely every day. It can't be. You have to have those bad days so you can learn from them. Grow from them. And, so you can appreciate those good days even more.

The toddler will quit crying. Eventually. I'm not going to say it'll happen today, tomorrow or even next month. But she will eventually quit. She's going to get older and won't need you any less, she'll just need you in a different way. And, God will supply all your needs at that time, too.

Your little girl is changing. She's growing. Her birthday is coming and you're wondering where the years have gone. Did you love her enough, hold her enough, kiss her enough as a baby and toddler? Does she know how much you love her?

Yes.

You snuggle her and cuddle her still. You grab her and kiss her forehead, you smile at her, you tell her you're proud of her.

You're doing a good job.

Do you hear me?

You're doing a good job.

You haven't had a best friend in nearly a year. Those first weeks and months you weren't sure you'd survive the heartache. Some days, you still aren't sure. But, you're making it. You have friends who love you. Friends to call. Friends to email. Is it the same? No. But, "You don't ever have another best friend like that first one you have when you're old enough to know who you are in life." And that's okay. Memories are good. Pictures are good. They'll be enough.

You have to realize that as years go on and experiences are lived, you grow. You change. You move on and learn from those experiences. Sometimes you move on together and sometimes not. It doesn't mean you're a bad friend if the friendship ended. Enjoy the friendships you have now and stop dwelling on the friendship you miss.

Your house will always need something done to it. Always. You can get upset about it, fret about it, cuss about it. It won't change anything. Or, you can learn to love it no matter the state (of destruction) it's in. When the bare walls or studs or lack of floor drive you up the wall - choose to be thankful. After all, you have a house. Make it your home.

Things are going to be going well. Then you're going to hit a bump. Then temptation will rise. Cling to the Truth. And never, ever, ever look back. That grass, my friend...it isn't greener.

You don't have to decide right this minute if you're going to have more children. You're still young. The kids don't have to be such and such age apart. They can be two years, they can be 10 years. Just enjoy the children you do have in this moment.

You make excuses for not taking the time to read your Bible. Let me ask you this, are you being lazy? are you finding other - less useful ways - to spend your time? Do those dishes really have to be done right now? Do you really need to update your status on FB to let people know you're going to the grocery store? I'm guessing no. I'm guessing you're putting God off. I'm guessing He won't let you do that much longer. Just make the time. Five minutes reading your Bible and praying are better than ZERO minutes.

The dishwasher that's been broken since March? It's probably going to stay broken til next March. Your husband is busy. He's trying to make time for your children when he gets home from work. He's trying to get insulation put up in your kids' new room. You can do the dishes by hand. It's not going to kill you. Use that time to pray for your man, instead of feeling like you're not a priority since he hasn't fixed it yet.

Life is never going to be perfect. You're never going to have the perfect attitude all the time. Your hair will always be frizzy. You may never lose those 30 pounds. You'll never have it all together. The minute you think you do someone will fall and get hurt. Someone will throw a tempter tantrum. Someone will bring home three crusty coffee mugs from work for you to wash - by hand.

But, you're going to make it. You're going to make it through this day. You're going to make it through this week and this month.

You're going to grow from it. You're going to be stronger for it.

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strenthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:3-5

Love your husband. Love your children. Love your life.

Right now.

Right where you are.

The Best Day of the Rest of My Life (minus a tri-cities phone book)

I'm THIRTY!!!

I have just a few minutes to put this post together before Josh gets home but I want to at least write something, as today has been one of THE greatest days...BIRTHDAYS of my life.

It officially started on Saturday when a box filled with THIRTY.INDIVIDUALLY.WRAPPED presents showed up at my house! From Emily. I confess I opened ALL OF THEM!

Then Tuesday morning at 4:28 a.m. I had a mini heart attack.

Because two people clad in crazy hats walked into my home, handed me a hat of my own, blind-folded me and told me to come with them.

Thankfully I had the good sense to grab my hot pink robe.

So, my mom and sister drove me around, made me get out of the car (dressed in my hot pink robe and red granny hat) and took pictures of me (I'll post them some year).

While I was blind-folded.

And in my hot pink robe.

They took me to breakfast, then to coffee and then dumped me off at home where I was in a sleepy stupor for the rest of the day.

On Wednesday morning they showed up with doughnuts (yum) and a book for me! Then later in the day I got flowers from this amazing friend! I opened my mailbox to find a card from Linds (my bff from high school) that contained a Starbucks gift card, a card from my wonderful TN friend, Maria (she sent me a TN t-shirt a couple months ago!) and a homemade Dave Ramsey envelope system from my friend Kristie! Later in the day I received an email from eBay letting me know I had a gift certificate from Laura!

The day BEFORE my birthday was incredible!

Today my mom and sister watched my girls while I went to get my hair done.

And let me tell you, my party has not stopped!

At 8:10 this morning I was in line at Starbucks, I ordered my coffee and a cheese danish, went to pay for it, only to be told the woman in front of me bought my stuff! I nearly cried! I felt so blessed.

At 8:30 was my hair cut and color (which hasn't been done since August!) and the girl who does my hair brought me donuts from Starbucks. Then she hands me a Starbucks gift card that had been delivered earlier in the week by a friend of mine! I was freaking out. Feeling so blessed. When about 15 minutes later a woman walks in with the most beautiful arrangement of pink and white gerbera daisies that...get this...WERE FOR ME from my friend Melissa!

I had a Starbucks card and flowers delivered to me at the place where I get my hair done!!! It's been hours and this is still just incredible to me.

Then I come home, get on the computer and find this post from Linda. Talk about makin' a girl feel loved! My word!

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with my friend, Candee. We were friends in high school, in each other's weddings and then the jerk moved far, far away. Thankfully she just moved back! In time for my 30th birthday, I'm sure! Can't wait to spend some time with her.

I think I'll stay 30 forever.

(well, until my 31st birthday, I'm pretty excited for that one, too)

decision made

my youngest has replaced sleep with crying.

i've decided to tie my own tubes immediately.

certifiable

seriously.

have we actually been considering another baby?

sometimes i think i'm on crack.

last night i woke up with spice at 11:11 (i'd only been in bed about 30 minutes) then again with her at 12:28 and again at 1:17. at 1:17 i cried. i really, truly started to cry. wondering why in the whole wide world i'd consider doing this to myself again.

i laid there trying to talk myself into and out of another baby.

my arguments looked like this:

you won't die from sleep deprivation.

but you'll want to.

maybe the next baby will sleep through the night at 5 weeks like Sugar did.

oooorrr, maybe it'll be like Spice who is now two and STILL doesn't sleep through the night.

it's just a season, you'll make it through.

or not.

i love being pregnant.

really? even that 50+ lbs you gained. really?

my two deliveries went really fast.

third time's a charm.

One day I'll be so glad we decided to go ahead and have more even though it felt crazy in the moment.

til then you'll need a straight jacket in every color.

do you see? see how i go back and forth? and, how sometimes it's so hard to imagine adding another little one to my already crazy self.

sigh.

Mid Week Random

Stuff I'm thinking about today....

Two pregnant friends. One is pregnant with baby number nine, the other pregnant with baby number ten. This warms my heart. Warms.my.heart! I love large families. Love that these families are doing what's best for them. All the while...trying to decide what is best for our family.

Running around in the rain. There was a down pour here today. My sister (the one who just had the appendectomy) and I ran out in it. Through my pasture and back to the house. Drenched. Made me think of another time it rained this hard...I was 24, on my way home from work at Pier 1, with my friend Keri driving in front of me. We pulled over on the freeway at the same time, danced around, got drenched, honked and stared at by other drivers and had a blast. Very few memories of age 24 are fun, so I cherish that one.

Budget. How I love thee and the freedom she brings. Still haven't spent any money we haven't budgeted. Thankful the parts for our pick up ended up being reimbursed. Wow.

People running their mouth. I'm sick of people speaking before thinking. Or even typing before thinking. It's good for me to see, though. Makes me realize, "hey, maybe I should watch what I say (type) so as not to hurt someone's feelers." It's one thing to encourage, it's another to voice an opinion not asked for. K, done with that rant.

A certain 30th birthday in the very near future. As in 8 days away future. Hair appt. Mall appt. Have I ever mentioned I don't like shopping at malls? I don't. Not a fan. But I have a gift card I'll be using. Then I'll be going out to lunch. Since I'm hungry, I'm already trying to decide where I'm eating. Thinking Azteca sounds delish.

House cleaning. Tomorrow is my house cleaning/laundry day. I need to figure out what needs done. I need to make sure I do it! Thinking the baseboards need a good dusting.

The blog name change. I forgot to talk about it since the night my blogged changed is the night I wrote this post. If you've been reading for over a year you know that my blog was previously title "This Beautiful Mess" and wasn't changed to "Little House on the Highway" until after we went OTR. Since we're no longer driving and living out of a Peterbilt I decided to change my blog name. I thought of changing it to something different altogether but really...well, my life is still a beautiful mess. A work in progress. Just today my beautiful girls were out in the mud. Dirt in their fingernails, their mouths, their hair. But they couldn't leave well enough alone, man. Oh, no. They had to traipse their cute little, dirty bodies into my house. Into my kitchen and out on to my living room carpet. I wanted to yell. Growl. Get mad. But I remembered, they're only little so long. I'm sure one day all too soon I'm going to miss it. So, yes they made a mess but it was....

A beautiful mess.

And I loved it.

Then made brownies to drown my sorrows.

What's on your mind lately?

Monday Monday

It's Monday morning. My kids are on my nerves and I feel really bad about that. Sometimes my patience is just nil.

On a brighter note, my birthday is in 10 days.

Today is laundry day. I did a load this weekend unexpectedly since I had two extra children I wasn't planning to have. And well, extra kids means that much more dirt thrown around.

The two extra kids were my five year old niece and four year old nephew. My sister had to have her appendix out (sound familiar?) and we asked if we could keep their kiddos. It was a blast. We played in the dirt, on the swingset, they rode bikes and at the end of the evening after dinner and baths, we roasted marshmallows and sang songs out on the deck, tucked all four kids into bed in the same room, read a book and sang some more songs.

And then I died from exhaustion.

But I came back to life.

I'm grocery shopping today. Having a budgeted amount is so fun. Until parts on a pickup take up half that money. Our fund for our rigs isn't built up enough yet to cover the parts needed on our truck. The only fund that was able to cover it was our food budget. Ouch. So, I was clipping and downloading coupons like crazy this weekend and trying to figure out how to get diapers and food for two weeks on the cheap.

We'll see how that goes.

I'm ready to sell (um, or burn) every vehicle in our driveway besides our van.

Not sure if I've mentioned my birthday being in 10 days but, um, it is. Have I hit my goal weight that I wanted to be at by age 30? Heck no. Sigh.

On Friday I surprised (at least I think it was a surprise) my mom with a trip to Seattle and tickets to a Mariner's game. It was so fun. We didn't get home til after 1 am and can I just say...I'm getting too old to stay up that late. I just am.

I nearly fell asleep in church yesterday.

Like 5 times.

This morning I've paid bills and gotten dressed. But thinking I should get something else done too.

Like grocery shopping.

And laundry.

And planning what I'm going to wear on my birthday...you know, the one that's in 10 days.

Cleaning Day

It's Wednesday night but I'll have this publish in the morning.

My Thursday to-do list:

Breakfast dishes
Countertops
Clean out fridge
Sweep
Mop

Bathroom
Tub (caked with mud)
Toilet
Sink
Mirror
Garbage
Sweep

Vacuum Living Room and Girls' room
Dust

Menu plan
Go over our budget THANK YOU, LORD, that payday is comin'!

Laundry and FAPA (fold and put away)

Then I have two lawns to mow in the afternoon. I was supposed to have three but I knocked one out this (wednesday) afternoon...in the rain.

I also need to get a couple of desserts ready since my mom is coming over to spend the night. The desserts are not her surprise. I'll post early Friday morning with what her surprise is. You'll know before she does. ☺ It'll be a fun morning.

What's on your to-do list?

Mid Week Random

My yard.
For the first time in the 10 summers we've been here, I'm truly in it. Part of it. Loving it. Taking time for it. At 6:45 this morning I was out working in the yard. We have a large yard and an acre of pasture, I love it. Coming up the driveway and seeing our property calms me. Soothes me.

Rearranging furniture.
I did it - again. I'm really liking it. No, really. I am. I moved the computer out of our room and into the living room. So, of course I'd have to rearrange the living room to make way for the computer. We also removed the tv from the living room. Tired.of.it.

My mom.
Plans. Fun. Oreos. Movies. Surprise for later.

30.
15 days away. 15 days until my birthday. I feel like I should reflect on the last 30 years and make plans for the next 30. But that's not the kinda girl I am. I go with the flow of each minute of my day. While I love to plan and make lists, I'm not the kinda girl who plans out each year of her life. I've made it this far without being that way, why change it up now?

Memorial Weekend.
We've changed our plans. We're staying home. We've been here, there and everywhere and it's just time to stay home and work on our remodeling project. We'll throw in a bbq or two over the weekend but for the most part it's going to be work.work.work.

Homeschooling.
September is not far away. We're taking a different route than we'd planned but we feel good about it. I'm praying the Lord just works this all out beautifully.

Babies.
We talk about it. Daily. We know it'd be crazy. That we'd be crazy. We still get up in the night with Spice sometimes. We only have a two bedroom house. But, at this moment, we know we can't just rule out another child (or two) (ahem, or three). This makes me almost giddy. I don't know if we'll have more, but just knowing that my husband - the man who didn't want children - actually thinks more children might just mean more fun (and of course more work). Love it.

Signs.
On Sunday our Pastor spoke about how we live in a culture where we look for signs. Asking God for a sign for this or that. When we have the Bible and any sign we need is right there, in our hands. Beautiful sermon. Written for me.

Our budget.
Day 19. We're rocking it. Last Friday was rough. I wanted to go out to dinner. Badly. I cooked instead. We still have money left in our envelopes and payday is two days away. Josh said last night, "it's not so bad. We've been doing fine." It hasn't been super easy but I love it.

Woodstove.
It's out on our deck. Along with a bench seat from a Chevy pickup. We're completely redneck. And it's cozy.

Mud.
It rules our lives these days. "Painter Sugar" and "Painter Spice" (as I've politely been informed to call them) are painting with mud. Dear Lord, please let them paint outside only. Amen.

Lunch.
It's time for me to make it. I'm famished. As I'm sure Painters Sugar and Spice are too.

ramble

So the four days I planned off turned into two

I blame Netflix.

They sent a faulty dvd and I needed it fixed, stat.

So, here I am.

When Josh was here at lunch we talked about the whole computer deal and time spent on it.

What I'm realizing is that if I spent 13 hours straight playing with my kids, loving on them, interacting with them - at the end of the day I'd still lie in bed at night and feel guilty that it just wasn't enough.

That somehow I've failed.

Obviously my expectations of myself in certain areas still needs some work. Obviously...

I just need to get it through my thick skull that if everything in my life is in order that it's okay to check my email, FB, Twitter, Netflix, etc.

Can I just say how tired I am of the guilt that I feel constantly. Unnecessary guilt. Am I the only one? Part of me hopes, yes. Part of me hopes, no. Do you lay in bed at night unable to sleep and think of everything you didn't do during the day that you think you should have done? Do you remember every single harsh word you said? Do you lay there and beat yourself up and watch the hours tick away on the clock?

Just me?

Bugger.

I need to fix it. I'm losing sleep. Panicking at night. Just sure that no one I love knows I love them. That the last load of laundry that I skipped out on folding means I'll never stay on track with laundry again.

I realize I sound a little neurotic. (You're like, "a little?")

Okay, I'm done now. Netflix is sending me a new dvd and my kids are taking all my kitchen equipment into their bedroom...surely trouble is being cooked up in there.

I wish I got paid for a blogging vacation

I've decided to take a few days away from the computer. Away from Facebook, email, blogging and Twitter.

I'm sure I'll be twitching by tomorrow evening.

Once again, I need to be working on my priorities. Figuring stuff out. Once again finding myself considering getting rid of internet altogether.

I'm not going to. But last week I came close. I just see how a computer, a phone, a television, etc. can come between people. Families. Relationships. It makes me very sad. Since giving up my iPhone, road trips with my family have been so fun. I've been involved with my husband and girls instead of with my handheld device.

It's not just me or just my family. I know many others going through the same deal. Whether they know it or not.

I want my family to remember the time I spent with them, the games we played. The conversations we had.

I don't want them to remember just the back of my head.

Or the, "just a minute, I'll be right there." 45 minutes later...

They deserve more of me.

Josh and I have talked about it. The way it looks now is that the computer will stay off during the day and I'll get my email, blogging and FB'ing done after they've gone to bed. Right now I check that stuff early in the morning, between loads of laundry, while they're napping, while dinner's on the stove and other times in between.

I'll be less in the minute by minute loop of everyone and everything but I feel like it's the right decision to make.

The next few days are just to search my heart, talk with Josh, solidify the daily routine and just plain figure stuff out. We're pretty boring folk but I feel like we have a lot going on, a lot on our plate and I just want to make sure my focus is on my family rather than the computer.

See you in a few days.

bare

today i did something i don't remember ever doing in the last 10 years you've been gone.

i started a letter to you.

it felt foolish.

i started to cry.

so i quit.

but.

but it kinda felt good to get some things out.

to tell you that i miss you and hate that you're gone. to tell you i'm frustrated everyone else knew you so much better. everyone else had so much time with you while i had so little. everyone else had years listening to your laughter.

oh, how i miss your laughter.

and your hands. i remember them. i miss them.

i hate the not knowing. heaven? hell? i tell myself heaven. only Jesus knew your heart.

so, after my girls were born i asked if He'd open up heaven, if only for a minute, so you could see them. so you could see how beautiful they are.

alison has the dip in her chin that you had. that i have. i love it.

josh took jaylee to a father/daughter ball a few months back. we didn't ever get one of those. not like either of us would have wanted to go. but still.

you never tucked me in.

you didn't teach me to ride a bike.

you never brushed my hair or put it in a ponytail.

i see all these things that josh does with our girls that i missed. not only because you died too soon but because you and i just didn't know each other.

i feel so cheated.

and while i'm laying it out there, tonight i told God that i was mad. He could have let you live, yet chose not to. i'm sure that sounds so childish. but i'm hurt.

still.

soon you'll have been gone longer from my life longer than i'll have known you.

i got mad at you once after you died. wondering how you, a 40 year old healthy man could drown. i mean, seriously, how could you drown? you were so strong. so capable. indestructible. and then you were gone.

thank you for the carnations on valentine's day. for the teddy bears. the cards. for being thoughtful.

i don't like carnations, though.

but i definitely don't like that you don't send them anymore. i mean, i'd much rather you send me flowers i don't like than be gone and not send them at all.

i joke about you drowning. a lot. it doesn't make me feel better but it somehow helps me deal. at least on the outside.

i thought getting a tattoo would help me heal, too. i was wrong about that one.

used to creep me out that you'd pick spiders up in the house and move them outdoors. or worse, just leave them in your house. to live. ew.

our house is torn apart right now. i know you'd be over helping us work on it every night. as long as i stocked my fridge with coors light. ew.

it's time for bed. thankful for josh that he'll hold me while i cry myself to sleep tonight.

once again, regretting never calling you, "dad" and wishing i could. just once.

just once.

Mixin' up the cleaning day

I've been up since 4. Josh had to go out of town for work today and he had to leave at 4:45. One would think one could go back to sleep at such an hour.

One would be wrong.

Then one would make a list for the day o' cleaning.

On the list for today:

Breakfast dishes - I've decided Thursday morning breakfast time will consist or cereal and toast. Something easy peasy. After what, six weeks of my new routine I'm finally getting smart about somethin'!
Clean on top of my cupboards - get all the cobwebs (stupid house projects) and dust.
Clear the counter tops - figure this'll need to be done after everything up top comes down.
Sweep kitchen
Mop kitchen
Bathroom
-tub
-toilet
-sink
-mirror
-sweep
-garbage
Dust and Vacuum Living Room
-if I get really wild and crazy I may clean the ceiling fan.
Laundry - FAPA (fold and put away)
-think I only have one load to do, woo hoo!
Change sheets
-Oh! make that two loads!
Clean out the fridge

Today I'm going to try something new. I'm going to have my children help me.

See you next week.

I kid. sorta.

No, really, I think I've done a disservice to myself and Sugar by not starting to have her help me earlier on. Yes, it's going to take three times as long but the kid's gotta learn sometime, right? And better to learn at 4 than 24 like someone else I know. (um, that'd be me.)

The work that normally takes a couple hours will most likely take at least three. But I'm lookin' at it like this, if I teach 'em now, in a year or so I'll just be able to kick back, eat bon bons and watch them work, right?

Gimme a break, I've been up since 4. I'm delirious.

who am i tryin' to kid

I did something foolish last night.

What's new? I know.

I decided that after Josh got off work we'd head to the track, he'd play with the girls and I'd run. Yep, the plan was to run. A mile. In under five hours.

So, I made it in under five hours.

Barely.

We went to a track meet on Saturday. While we were there I was getting this adrenaline rush remembering the days of yore when I used to love to run. Yes, I was only 15 at the time, hadn't had a baby or two or a cancer surgery. And I may or may not have been about 40 lbs lighter at the time. Still. I loved to run. I ran five miles a day during practice and would often run a couple more miles to get home.

I enjoyed it.

Til I got shin splints.

Then my races sucked.

Some I couldn't finish. Others found me hobbling to the finish line.

But on Saturday I was convinced I could run again. Oh yes I could!

Oh, no. I can't.

Josh knew as soon as I was done. "Your shins?" I nodded.

He proceeded to tell me that I'm not going to be able to run to get in shape. (btw, round is a shape, it's been my argument for years.) He says I'm going to have to start biking. I love to ride my bike, I do. But there's something about your feet pounding on pavement, getting you one step further to your finish line, that a bike ride just doesn't do for me.

Today I'm frustrated. Discouraged. Overweight.

Not lovin' this.

Going Outta Town on our New Budget

We went to Josh's sister's house this last weekend.

Oh, how I love to go there. I love my nieces. I love my SIL. And well, my BIL is a pretty cool guy, too.

There are very few people in my life that I can just completely let loose -ahem- and be myself around. Just totally me. And I can do that with them. They love me even though I'm weird. My 14 year old niece loves me even though I try my hardest to embarrass her in front of her friends and in front of people we don't even know.

It's just nice to be me.

And to be loved.

Sugar had the time of her life, of course. Her cousins are her fave. She's always been a big fan of them and they've always been wonderful to play with her and love on her.

In a rare moment, one I'm not sure has happened in the last decade, Josh and I got to go on a date with Chad and Treena! I don't know how long it's been since we've done that, but man, it's been awhile! So nice that they have a teenager now!

We went out for Indian food. I ate too much. The end.

"But Sarah," you say, "you're on a budget, however did you afford to go to Portland and eat out?!"

Well, I'm glad you (didn't actually) asked! ☺

We're still so new to this actual budget deal that part of me wonders where the hay all the money we used to spend came from.

The trip to Portland was planned before the budget was planned. We hemmed. We hawed. Wondered if we'd need to cancel. Then realized, hello, we can't cancel, we LOVE visiting them, plus we were going to be able to go on a double date!

So, we got out our jug o' change, counted it out. Rolled it. Took it to the bank. And we had $115 to spend on gas, food and coffee. Thank You, Lord, for coffee. Amen.

It was the perfect amount of money. We didn't ever use our debit cards and it was a beautiful thing. I absolutely loved it.

Now our jug is empty and it'll be 2014 before we can go back. Okay, not really. But now comes the hard part of saving the gas and spending money for the next trip we take.

I know we're only 11 days into the month but so far we haven't screwed up the budget and we're enjoying the freedom of being in control of the money.

It's so nice to take a mini-vacay guilt free. Loved every minute.

(even the grueling hill on the bike ride!)

In draft

I have 30 posts that have been partially written but never published.

Or have been completely written but I've never had the courage to hit publish.

Today, I thought I'd go through some of them and post a bit from each. You know, for funsies.


Written 6/9/08 here I'm writing about what I let Sugar wear to the grocery store:

For the most part I pick out Sugar's outfit for the day. But if she chooses to accessorize, that's her deal. Whatever floats her boat.

Since the weather isn't nice here today I knew I could dress her in something pretty because she wouldn't go outside and ruin it. Today she's wearing a pretty white dress with flowers on it.

With purple snow boots.

And blue sunglasses.

Purple snow boots on the wrong feet.

We may not have gone outside to play but we did go to the grocery store. Where people could see us.

And the purple boots.

A few women who have been in my shoes years ago came up and smiled and talked about how they just grow up too fast and that there's nothing wrong with letting them wear snow boots in June.

Written 1/19/09 this was about a phone call:

I think we all have at least one person in our life that can call up and not say, "hey, this is so and so."

We just know immediately upon hearing their voice, who they are.

To hear the words coming from a familiar voice can stir a lot of emotions for me. Memories. Some bitter but mostly sweet. Laughter. Tears. Secrets. Joys. Sorrows. Friendship. Love.

My youngest sister called me on Friday.

When I saw her number on my caller ID I almost didn't believe it. We live about 8 miles apart yet hardly see or talk to each other, even though she is one of my favorite people in all the world.

The sound of her voice and the short conversation were enough to make my heart swell.

Written 2/5/09 Never could finish this:

I have been running for so long from what I've been, who I've been. I've been trying so hard to maintain a happy life and put junk behind me. Shoving it in that closet like what Monica had on Friends. To even her closest friends, it seemed like she was a freak about cleanliness and perfection, order in her life. But she had that closet. Seen the episode? Know what I'm talkin' about?
I have that closet.
It's a really big closet packed with a whole lotta crap.
No, really. A whole lotta.
And because of all that crap, I have a difficult time with peace. Just typing the words brings a sort of comfort but also reminders of every reason I shouldn't have it.

Written 6/15/09 I almost can't breathe when I read these words. Oh, the days of having a best friend. Those were my favorite days:

So, I did what I often do when I'm upset.

I went for a drive.

I drove the twenty miles to pick up Josh's paycheck from his boss. His boss lives half a minute from Amber, so I decided to head there.

When I walked in (because we don't knock at each others homes) she was busy vacuuming and cleaning her home but she stopped everything and sat on the couch with me and listened.

She listened while I moaned and groaned about how hard this is.

Okay, I'm done going through drafts. That last one 'bout did me in.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have some fresh junk to share instead of going through the old junk.

Note to self: Make To-Do List a Leetle More Thorough

Thursday is my official house cleaning day. It's also the second (and last) day of the week that I do laundry, my other day being Monday.

No house cleaning any other day of the week. I still make beds, do dishes and sweep the kitchen daily. But that's all.

Usually on Wednesday evening I write out a list (my favorite part) of what needs to be done on Thursday.

This is what my list looked like today:

1. Breakfast dishes

2. Clean kitchen
a. countertop
b. front of the cupboards
c. sweep
d. mop

3. Clean the bathroom
a. tub
b. toilet
c. sink
d. mirror
e. sweep
f. empty garbage
g. mop

4. Dust and Vacuum Living Room

5. Laundry - FAPA! (I usually only have two loads on Thursdays and three on Monday)

6. Look over budget (Josh gets paid tomorrow!)

7. Mow in-law's yard and Nana and Papa's yard.

7. Pack for our trip to Portland!

So far the only thing left on the list is packing for our trip and mowing my in-law's. I showed up to do it but Dad had the sprinklers going. So, I'll go back after the girls wake from their naps.

I should have written in that the girls' room needs to be cleaned and vacuumed but I didn't. They'll clean it when they wake up from their naps and before we head over to mow. For the most part the girls are great about cleaning their room. Spice is excellent about putting away toys. Occasionally, just to bless them I'll clean the room for them.

Tonight we're having company and I'm excited they chose Thursday to come over! ☺

Maybe I should have added "get dressed" and "put on a bra" to my list today seein' how those things have yet to happen.



(yes, I went out in public without a bra. my excuse is that the shirt i'm wearing has one "built in" but we know how well those work!)

Birthday Party on our New Budget

With our new budget in place, the first birthday to be affected is Spice's.

The budget area that I think I'm going to struggle with the most is our "gifts" budget. It's, um, low. As in, $10 a month low.

Our birthday party for Spice last night was the beginning of working a birthday into our budget.

This was hard.

H-A-R-D.

HARD.

We did not buy a gift for our two year old.

I spent $4 on a gluten free mix and made her cupcakes.

For decorations I did this:



Emily took pictures of Alison, had them FedEx'd to me and I decided to use those for decorations in the kitchen. After the pictures were up, I felt it needed something. So, I got out the paper plates that were left over from a baby shower I did this weekend. I turned them over, wrote the number 2 backward on the plate so that when I cut it out the front would show the number two properly.

Simple. So super simple. But I liked it. And I've gotten a bunch of comments on FB for this idea. Here I thought it was cheesy but people complimented it! So fun.

I usually buy decorations. Balloons. Gifts. Food. Drinks.

I wasn't sure how I would make the evening feel special without spending a couple hundred bucks. How could I entertain if I wasn't serving a big sit down meal and offer soda to my guests? Would anyone enjoy themselves?

I decided to serve cake and ice cream. Forgot the ice cream and my sweet grandma picked some up and wouldn't let me pay her for it. What a blessing!

I made a separate cake for our guests (didn't take a picture of it because it was so ugly) and I made gluten, egg and dairy cupcakes for Spice. Along with homemade frosting that was nearly impossible to work with. But she didn't seem to care.
Is she not just the cutest little birthday girl ever? I just wanna squeeze her!

Even though we didn't buy her a gift, she was blessed with three beautiful dresses, a new hat,

$2 and a new car.

All in all, I'd say it was a great birthday with only four bucks out of pocket.

This morning my mom said it was the best party I've hosted. HUH?! She said I was more relaxed and seemed to enjoy my daughter turning two and celebrating her instead of running around trying to make sure everything was just so. What a compliment, huh?

So, even though I didn't think it'd be possible to stick to a budget for her birthday, I proved myself wrong.

Whodda thunk?

two years loving our sweet baby girl

Two days before you were born my belly looked like this. You kicked and you squirmed, you rolled and you rolled some more. And because you were my second pregnancy I treasured each and every roll you made across my belly because I knew in just a couple more days I wouldn't feel this anymore. And I would miss it.

The day before you were born we worked and worked outside. The carport was a disaster and for some reason I just really wanted it clean. So I lugged you around, still inside my belly. I'd have to stop throughout the day, as contractions would hit hard and leave me breathless. Dinner time came and went, finally around 7 pm we called it a night. Your poor big (but still so little) sister had been so sweet and so patient all day but she was "hunna!"

So, we loaded up in the Suburban and headed 20 miles west for some Mexican food. As soon as we got in the rig I had a contraction. Then four minutes later another. And again four minutes after that. Through dinner I had contractions every four minutes. We got home at 9:30, put your sweet big sister to bed. Since I was induced the first time around, I wasn't sure if I was in labor. I was told to take a shower and if the contractions went away I was not in labor.

The contractions did not go away.

I barely made it out of the shower. The contractions were fierce! But I put my jammies on, stopping every few seconds to catch my breath and finally made it into bed. Daddy jumped in the shower after I got into bed.

It was 10 pm and the contractions were still four minutes apart. Had been for three hours.

While he was in the shower my water broke.

We called Maugie about 10:30 and told her it was time to bring your sister up so we could head to the hospital. I remember trying to get dressed to go to the hospital and doubling over in our bedroom. I decided they'd just have to see me in my jammies, putting clothes on just wasn't gonna happen.

We woke up our little girl, who had only been in bed about an hour and she had a sweet, sleepy smile on her face. I snuggled her and told her she was going to be a big sister soon. I remember panicking in that moment, hoping she knew that even though you were coming along very quickly, that I loved her oh, so much.

We got in the Suburban again, contractions still every 3-4 minutes, sometimes only 2. Daddy very rarely exceeds the speed limit but this time was an exception. He made the 40 mile trip seem like 20. For this I was very thankful.

Maugie came out to meet us, it was 11:15 pm. We left your big sister in the care of your grandma and daddy helped me back into the Suburban.

Five minutes later we walked into the hospital.

Pre-registering the month before you were born was very helpful. We were already checked in. They found us a room and a nurse came in. "Someone will need to check you before we can admit you."

At midnight, now your due date, we were admitted into the hospital. I was dilated to a four.

The next five hours were spent standing up, rocking back and forth with Daddy holding onto me and encouraging me.

And me biting him a time or five. (don't worry, I apologize every now and then.)

At five a.m. I told Daddy it was time. And the silly guy said no, that it wasn't. It was too soon.

"No, really. It's time. I need to push."

A nurse came in. I told her I needed to push. She sighed but checked me. Then told me it was time to call my midwife, who showed up in her Disneyland jammie shirt and sleepy eyes. Within 10 minutes I was laying on the bed ready to push.

The nurses asked if I knew if you were a boy or girl. We'd chosen not to find out but I thought you'd be a boy for sure. The entire time I was pushing I kept saying, "I can't wait to see him, is he here yet?"

30 minutes of pushing later, I was blessed with another baby girl, weighing in at 8 lbs. 4.6 oz. I was one happy mama. Girls. I had girls now! Not just one, but two beautiful girls.

Our family of three was now a wonderful family of four! (lovely cell pictures)



For the first two weeks you slept so peacefully.

And then for the next four months you did this:





But we loved you still. You would gurgle and make sweet noises. Yes, you cried. A lot. But you were so sweet and snuggly.

Giving you a bath in the sink is such a hoot! You laugh and you splash and you're just so cute!

'Specially when you do this...

First camping trip! We went to Mt. Rainier for four days.

Maugie and you!

10 month old smile!

11 months of this sweet face.

Oh, the sisterly love.

Daddddyyy!!!!

And here you are at a year old!

Over the year you spent thousands of miles and many many nights in a Peterbilt with your sister, daddy and me. You learned to walk. You still don't talk much.

Words you say:

mama

dada

no

When asked, "what are you doing?" you reply, "nuteen!" (nothing)

no

yeah

no
uh huh

gah (dog)

no

goot goo (thank you)

up

beebee (blankie)

no
dee (pacifier)

You love to play in the dirt but prefer to do it wearing a dress...or beads....

Just a couple of months ago we found out about your allergies and we're trying hard to rid your little body of everything that hurts you. It hasn't been easy but you're doing great!

You are the first to help pick up toys and books. If I'm sweeping you quickly run to get the dustpan. You are an amazing helper, sweet girl. I love that about you.

You're so quick-tempered and I haven't known how to "cure" you of this, so just today I've started praying with you as soon as your attitude turns into a fit. I'm praying this starts to calm us both down.

When you hear Daddy's truck pull in the driveway, you stop whatever you're doing to run to the door and throw yourself into his arms.

You are constantly getting hurt and this drives me nuts. But you're a trooper, that's for sure!

You love your pacifier and giving slobbery kisses.

Your blanket is nasty and dirty and you hate to have it washed because that's 90 minutes of separation. Some would think it's ridiculous we let you carry it all over, I think you're only going to be little for a short time, you may as well enjoy your "beebee" now.

You have zero interest in potty training, which is a total bummer. But, I'm not going to push it.

Today is your birthday and we'll make you a gluten, egg and dairy free cake. I'm sure it's going to taste fabulous!

We love you, Alison, our little Spice of life.

Happy Second Birthday, Little Love.

Love,

Mama

No title for this post. Well, I guess that could be the title.

I knew I would do this.

I knew I'd start to flake. It's what I do best.

I've gotten better over time with my flaky-ness (flakiness?) because flaky-ness (flakyness?) drives me crazy. It's not a good character trait to have. And if you're a flake. QUIT IT! It hurts and drives the people around you crazy. I know this because I've been a flake and I've seen what it's done to my relationships.

Um, anyway.

I was so excited to do the bloggy birthday giveaway deal to the very end! THE VERY END, I say!

The end of course being my birthday. Which is officially one month from today.

Moment of silence please.









You did take a moment of silence, right?

Good.

I do not, have not, will not be doing the giveaway this month. Josh and I started this really cool thing called a budget. Ever heard of it? Yeah, I've tried to pretend long enough that I hadn't heard of one either.

But the time came, my friends, where I could no longer ignore those yucky negative numbers any longer.

Anyway, I'll talk about our budget deal later this week.

All that to say. No giveaway this month (you can blame my budget, because I know I am!) But I will be celebrating my birthday with a giveaway, so make sure you're here in June! But make sure you're here all the days before that too!

Let me love you

On Sunday before we left Jim and Emily's and while we were still sitting around chatting, Josh picked Spice up and tried to snuggle her.

She wriggled.

She pitched a fit.

She kicked her legs.

She squawked.

But he kept right on holding her. Resting his cheek on her head. Loving on her. Wrapping his daddy arms around her little self.

And slowly she began to relax in his arms.

Slowly she let her guard down.

Slowly she let herself be loved by her daddy.

While we all laughed at her I was hit with this:

"This is how you are with Me. Stop squirming and let Me love you."

The days I wonder why God gave me Spice, the kiddo I just don't know how to deal with sometimes...I'll just remember this.

He's teaching me through her.

I wriggle. I squirm. I kick.

And all He wants to do is love me.

happy girl..happy me

happy tuesday!

so far so good for today. no one is bleeding, broken or bawling. amazing!

and my dishes are done, that always makes the day wonderful.

my sweet, little, soon-to-be two year old woke me at 6 am letting me know she'd dropped her pacifier. i fumbled around for it with one sleepy eye open. didn't find one. remembered i had one in my sweatshirt pocket. plugged her back up and she fell back to sleep.

my nearly five year old was snuggled up with her daddy in bed and i couldn't go back to sleep. so, i finished up some dishes (by hand since our dishwasher is once again on the fritz.) made the pioneer woman's sour cream pancakes, some bacon and brewed some coffee.

morning silence is so peaceful. it's one of my favorite things. so often i find myself snuggling in bed and missing out on being up before anyone else in the house. today reminded me why i need to be up early.

yesterday was such a frazzled day and only because i let it be. slowly i'm realizing that my attitude is so much of why our day is deemed good or bad. i have so much to be thankful for and even a crabby baby is something to be thankful for.

today i'm headed to my in-laws to clean. i love them.

yesterday i got a phone call. a phone call i wasn't expecting. it may seem dramatic to say it changed my life but in a way, it kinda did. still in awe. still smiling. my heart is full.

if i haven't mentioned it recently, i'm thankful for my mom. for our renewed relationship. and for the way she makes me laugh.

i'm so excited for what i have planned for her. (and if you are someone who knows what it is...shhhh...she reads here every 7 months)

my girls are beating each other up in the other room, so i should end this post, break up their fight and head to my in-laws.

what's one thing you're thankful for today?

Post Weekend

The Monday after a very fun weekend away is always hard for me.

Whenever we hang out with Jim and Emily, we leave on such a high. When we get home I find myself sad that we don't have friends closer to where we live.

And then Monday makes me feel blah.

Guess it's better to focus on the fun than the laundry I have to do today.

Fun stuff from the weekend:

1. My girls being loved on by Jim and Emily's girlies.
2. Creepy Hairy Creepy
3. Josh getting to go paragliding and having a day to hang out with his awesome friend
4. Shopping and hanging out with Emily - thankful for a friend who loves used goods as much as I do!
5. Taco bake and pico de gallo with a Mike's Hard Lemonade yum!
6. Late evening trip to Starbucks on Saturday night
7. Bike ride with Josh, Jim (clad in a green bandana) and Emily for another Starbucks run.
8. Goat talk (still dying over this)
9. Beth and Rachel not wanting us to leave (love these girls!)
10. Planning our camping trip in June!

So, while doing laundry today and dealing with a crabby baby, I'm going to think about the good stuff from the weekend instead of focusing on the fact we had to leave.

Yep, that's what I'm gonna do...

The Purpose of the Fishy Cracker

My new routine of doing things around here is leaving me with this new, amazing, absolutely wonderful feeling.

Peaceful.

Like I said here, I do laundry on Monday and Thursday and clean my house on Thursday as well. No house cleaning except on Thursday. None. Well, except dishes. And I've decided after each time I do dishes, it's just best to sweep, too, since somehow we miss our mouths and food ends up on the floor.

(if you saw me, that last statement would be hard for you to believe)

Last night my sister Megan asked if she could come over for the day today. Her, my mom and my niece and nephew came over this morning. Wednesday. The day before cleaning day. The day of the week that looks the worst. When the floor needs mopped, the carpet needs vacuumed, the toothpaste needs chiseled outta the sink...

But ya know, I just let it be. The house was tidy. It was fine. I didn't feel like I had to make it look perfect. And it felt so good! So freeing!

When we've had company come over in the last few weeks, there's been zero stress. Zero feelings that I have to do such and such to make it seem perfect.

This was a status of my friend, Kerra, on FB the other day:

So I've noticed that lately, I've been gravitating towards friends with 'lived-in' (messy) houses. If I go to someone's house and it's spotless, it makes me feel inadequate. Weird? So if you need to feel a little better about your housekeeping skills, come on over to my house. It's a mess, and I love it. We'll have coffee and shove the toys/fruit snacks/animal hair out of the way and TALK & LAUGH!!

I loved this. Definitely put the whole perfect house thing in perspective for me. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable if the entire house is too clean. I want people to feel welcome. I want people to want to come over.

And if I have to smash some fishy crackers to get that, then I will!

(I'll just sweep 'em up immediately after they leave.)

Mid Week Random

I have a sore throat.

The last time I had a sore throat I ended up in an emergency clinic because it was to the point I could not swallow. I had to spit for days. It was awful.

I'm painting the inside of my grandma's house. It's going to be so much brighter in there!

I'm giving my mom a present and it's going to be fun. Can't wait to give it to her. Hope she likes it.

It's not a baby, in case you were wondering.

We're going to see Jim and Emily this weekend. Pretty excited about that! I love how well Josh and Jim get along. It's wonderful to watch my husband have a friend.

Having my husband home in the evenings has been the most fun ever. You know, besides our fight. I have a friend. A companion. An ally. It's beautiful.

My dreams for Tennessee just don't seem possible and it pretty much breaks my heart. I feel it'd be forever til we could go as a family but I wouldn't want to go alone. Can y'all just move out here, please!?

I just uploaded about 400 pictures today. My poor computer will never want to run again.

Gave my iPhone to my friend, Melissa. It's going to save me quite a bit of money each month. It's weird to go back to a regular cell phone. I was very spoiled for a whole year. I treasure those moments.

I haven't had Starbucks in a couple of days. My head hurts. She knows that she hasn't had the real stuff. One cup of coffee a day is much better for me but oh, how I miss my breve.

Not sure what to make for dinner tonight. Kinda not feeling like cooking. Since I'm not going to be here anyway, why should I have to cook, right? RIGHT?!

6.5 weeks til my birthday. 6.5 weeks since I was supposed to mail off Laura's goods for winning the birthday giveaway. Laura...LAURA, I promise I'm getting the goods on Friday and shipping them ASAP!

6.5 weeks til I get high lights for my hair. And a trim. I haven't had my hair trimmed since, uh, August...

My girls are up from their naps. Thus ending this really boring post.

Sometimes fighting is good

My husband and I don't fight.

No, seriously. We don't.

It's weird. I know that it is. Most couples fight. Right?

But last week something changed. We had a fight. Like a full on, actual fight. To where we went to bed angry, didn't talk much the next day and are still feeling the lingering affects a week later.

I've been so thrown for a loop because we just don't do that.

I told a friend - half jokingly - "We don't fight. We don't. I mean, we file for divorce but we never fight."

The reason I was only half joking is because it's true and it's not really funny. We don't fight.

But we have filed for divorce.

We filed nearly six years ago.

Obviously we didn't go through with it but it's still on public record. I've seen it.

This fight has been one of the weirdest things to go through. I'm learning more about my husband and more about myself and our marriage. Realizing that we take each other for granted - our marriage for granted. We've been to marital hell and back but that doesn't mean we can't go there again. It doesn't mean that just because the divorce papers were ripped up five years ago that our marriage is free and clear. Good to go. On the fast track to happiness.

Nope.

We still have to work at it.

Fight for it.

And I guess, fight with each other for it.

A picture is worth a thousand words

But today I didn't bust out the camera.

Today, we lived in the moment instead of freezing them in picture format.

The entire week it's been predicted that we'd have mid 70's weather today. Sunshine, beautiful sunshine. Josh and I planned that we'd plant our garden today.

For several years we've wanted to plant a garden. We have the perfect area for it. We've been dumping our grass clippings in the same area for years now; spreading them out, mulching 'em into the ground. And the people who lived here before us had pigs in that area.

It's going to be some fertile ground.

A few weeks back we bought onions, squash, zucchini, corn, beans, carrots, watermelon (blech!), jalapenos and green peppers. Today we bought tomatoes.

We got out ourselves out of bed around 7 and our new Saturday routine is that Josh will make breakfast on Saturdays. So, today he made bacon and potatoes and coffee. Mmm. Then, we put the girls in some grubby clothes and headed out the door around 8:30.

In no time at all they are covered in dirt.

Head.

to.

Toe.

We rode our bikes into town for a bit and headed back home.

Josh tilled the area and I laid Spice down for a late morning nap. The freshly tilled dirt beckoned Sugar to it. She could resist no longer.

"Can I play in it, Mama?" Almost begging.

"Sure! Why not?!"

Within seconds she has stripped herself of all her clothing besides her undies and is rolling in the dirt. Throwing it in the air. Rolling. Sliding her hands through it. Rolling some more.

"Come on, Mama! Come play in the dirt with me!" Her eyes are twinkling. She's in her element. I can't refuse her.

I run inside. Change into shorts and a tank top and head back outside.

Josh is on the other side, still tilling, when I throw myself into the freshly tilled dirt next to my insane 4 year old.

We crawl around in it like puppy dogs. She crawls under me. I shove her down. We both laugh.

Josh is smiling.

We plant the seeds. Sugar is very excited to be a part of this.

"I can plant. I'm a good helper."

Spice woke from her nap. She likes the dirt, too, but is a little more cautious about getting dirty.

But she plays.

Quite awhile later Josh took the shovel and loosened up the dirt where the girls normally play.

And then he filled it with water.

It's nearing 7 pm when he does this.

Sugar thought she'd died and gone to heaven. In seconds her clothes were off again and she jumped in the mud, splashing it everywhere. Spice wanted down for a bit, got her hands dirty and then wanted up.

"Peas?"

And so I lifted her dirty little self up into my arms. And she took her muddy, pudgy, little hands and put them on my cheeks.

She loves when I fill my cheeks with air and she can pop them.

Tonight, mud and all, she wanted to do this.

We finally decided it was time to head in. Sugar stood at the sliding glass door waiting to be carried into the bathroom. I placed her in the tub, turned on the shower and watched as mud filled the tub. I rinsed her. Dumped Spice in. Rinsed her as well. Then filled the tub with warm water.

We made popcorn and had a "popcorn picnic" as Sugar called it, in the living room.

Sugar climbed into Josh's lap, Spice into mine. I read a book. The girls got sleepy.

We laid them in their beds, prayed with them, gave them kisses and turned out their light.

I didn't take a single picture today but this day will forever be in my memory. I'll forever remember Sugar rolling in the dirt, begging me to join her and giving in to her. I'll remember Spice's muddy hands on my cheeks and her smile that melts me every time.

I'm learning that some days it's okay to just leave the camera in the bag and live the memories we're making.

Amy Beth

There are some of you out there who just read blogs to read them. To enjoy the thoughts, pictures, etc. of others. But you don't find yourself in any way attached to the people whose lives you read about day after day, year after year. You're just here to read and there's nothing wrong with that.

However, I'm not one of those people.

I read the words, hearts and lives of several women and I become attached. Their heart is my heart.

My husband knows many of you by name, can recognize you by your picture and knows what you did last weekend. I talk about you as if we are all just regular ol' pals.

I've had the blessing of meeting a few of you. Hearing your sweet voices, hugging you, camping with you, shopping with you, eating sushi with you (blech) but there are many of you that I've just not met face to face yet.

This hasn't stopped me from loving you, praying for you, laughing with you, rejoicing with you and crying with you. You are my sisters in Christ and I'm honored to know you, even if it's only through the internet.

For about two years now I've been reading Amy Beth's blog. To read her blog is to fall in love her, it just is. We couldn't lead lives any more different but her posts-her heart...they draw me in. She's funny and she's sweet. One day a post can be about how high her hair is and the next she can be talking about her relationship with Jesus. She'll write about her puppies, former boyfriends, her singleness, what it's like to have Mono, the Wii, her cooking (in)abilities, her college girls...

and then the next minute she's talking about a disease that's threatening to take away her chance at having children of her own one day.

Ovarian Disease.

Through Twitter today I found the blog of a girl who knows Amy Beth personally. Today's post is dedicated to Amy Beth. Today, Jenn Leigh asks if we'll commit one hour of our day tomorrow to pray for our sweet friend.

So, I'm committing to do just that.

Will you please join me?

All or nothing is so old school. I'm workin' on the middle ground.

All or nothing.

Black or white.

100% or zero.

There's no middle ground.

No grey.

When I put my mind to something I go full force and if/when I realize it's not going to be the outcome I'm wanting, I throw it away. Put it in a closet, never to be seen again. Never tell anyone about it.

My house is an example of my all or nothing mentality:

I'll go for a few weeks cleaning, cleaning, cleaning like a mad woman, ignoring the fact that I have children or a husband and I'll have a really nice clean house.

Of course no one stops by unannounced during that time.

Then I'll have a couple of weeks where I'm completely feeling guilty about how much time I spent cleaning and not paying attention to the blessings I call children or the stud I call husband. So, I'll then let the house fall apart around me, the laundry pile up, the menu plan gets thrown to the wind and I don't take showers.

This, of course, is when people I haven't seen in ages show up.

It's just how my life is.

Or, was.

Going to counseling has been one of the best decisions I've ever made in my entire life. It hasn't been easy. But it's been good. Some of the issues I've had to face about myself have not been pretty. I thought what I looked like on the outside was bad...man, oh, man the inside is even worse.

One of the hardest issues I've had to deal with and work through has been expectations.

Mostly of myself.

I have extremely high, ridiculous, out of this world expectations of myself.

The thing of it is, I didn't realize they were too high until I started listing them out and realizing that for the most part, people just don't accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish.

And, even if they do, do I really want to look like them?

My counselor asked me to think of someone in my life that I know, who I feel "has it all together." I very quickly had the person in mind.

"Is she approachable to you?"

Heck, no.

"Do you want people to feel that way about you? Do you want to be unapproachable?"

Heck, no.

Does my house always have to be perfectly clean? Does the bathroom need cleaned two or three times a week? Do I need to mop every week? Does the laundry hamper have to be completely empty at all freaking times?

Heck, no.

But, you see, that's how I view it. That's how I thought it was supposed to be. That's how I thought I was supposed to work it. I thought that's what you do. And so I'd try and try and try and I'd "succeed" for a couple of weeks and then I'd realize I was exhausted and couldn't remember taking care of my children's needs for the last who knows how long and I'd had enough.

So, then I'd say, "screw it!"

And the walls came tumbling down.

Because if it wasn't 100% it was NOTHING.

Then, in a few minutes time, my counselor helped me to see that I don't have to do things like that. There needs to be middle ground.

I need to pick one day to clean. And two days to do laundry. And then don't do anything in between those days. Yes, I'm to keep up on dishes and picking up toys but no scrubbing toilets or vacuuming or laundry on days that they aren't specified.

I feel like a brand new person. I feel free. And this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life.

I did laundry on Monday. I washed, I dried, I FAPA'd (folded and put away) five loads of laundry. When evening came, I left the rest. I knew we all had undies, socks and jeans for the week, there wasn't any reason to finish up the rest. Thursday would be here soon enough.

Tuesday and Wednesday I just enjoyed my house and the people who live here with me. I had a very impromptu birthday party for my sweet youngest sister and while they were on their way to my house I did not scramble to make everything look perfect. I just left it be. I let it look like I have two kids. I let it look like we live here.

Thursday is the day I've chosen to clean my house and do laundry again.

So, I swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom.
Dusted
Cleaned the tub, toilet and sink.
Changed all our sheets and washed everything that was left in the basket.
Cleared out the clutter on my counter tops (bills, toys, etc)
I think there was more but I can't remember. I didn't get the fridge cleaned out but I'll get to it this Thursday.

I want to be approachable. I want to live my days. I want to enjoy my days. I want people to want to come here because my house isn't perfect; it's clean and maybe a wee bit cluttery but it's lived in.

And most importantly, loved in.

I don't want to be all or nothing. I want some middle ground. I want to be approachable. I want my house to be a joy -a haven- for all who live here, love here, visit here.

How about you? Are you approachable?