Summer Rewind Part 2

If you missed Part 1, here she is.

13 years.

Sigh. All clean. Needed to be folded.

I'm the girl who takes pics of engines.

Promise.

My heart belongs here.

My favorite pair of shoes.

Two of my favorite people.  Ever.

The best thousand bucks I've ever spent.

And when we're lazy, we use this.

Straight lines.  Every time. (with the walk behind mower)

Oh. Sweet. Sister. How I love you.

"Look happy!"

Baby wedgie.

Time alone w/my man.  And a Corona.

Chillin' on the picnic table.

The only time it's quiet in our home.

We've had 4. He's the best by far. We love him. Like crazy.

Routine bloodwork.

My heart loves a rainy day.

More to come!

Summer Rewind Part 1

I kinda just skipped over summer without blogging too much about it.

However, I do have pictures because I pink puffy heart pictures.  So, I'll post some pictures with a brief(ish) explanation.  And warning...there's a whole lotta pictures.

My burnt skin. 'nuf said

Spice ran into my w/her bike. This is my elbow.  It hurt.

Small amount of laundry but hated it anyway.

Sangria.  Be still my heart.

Our playground.

Munchkins and me. Facing the sun.

Sugar's 6th birthday breakfast.

This is me wondering how the hay she got to be six.

Sweet, dirty face. Playing on our rope swing.

Sugar's 1st day of swim lessons was on her birthday!

Per her request, we went boating for her birthday. No party.

Family boat shot. {and swim suit too..sigh..}

Date night with my mother.

She dared me to use this purse for the evening. 

2 hrs outside w/romance novel and green tea. Good day.

What my hair looks like after 50 miles with the windows down.

Smiling BEFORE the 90 mile bike ride.

My legs afterward. Bruised. Wanted to die.

I think we're at Miner's here but I'm not sure.

Child labor.  I like it.

and not to be outdone...

So.  There's some stuff from summer.  Not much.  Into July.  I'll post Part 2 tomorrow.

First Day of School Post

So, today is the first day of school.  And I'd post a picture but one child has no shirt on and the other is stuffing her face full of lunch.

(which is hashbrowns and tomatoes)

(i need to grocery shop)

(obviously)

In case anyone cares and most likely you don't but whatever...here's a list of curriculum we've chosen this year.

First Language Lessons of the Well Trained Mind
Explode the Code (this works on handwriting and phonics)
Singapore Math 1A and 1B
Story of the World for History (loving this book just from glancing through it to lesson plan)
Apologia Flying Creatures for Science
For Art any projects that we have for Science and History will fall under that.
Music?  I'm thinking I'll blast a little Rihanna and maybe some Veggie Tales music.  We want to keep the music diverse, broaden their horizons and all..
Health: I have a large poster hanging on the fridge with a skeleton on it.  She better know all 206 bones by the end of the year.  (are there 206?  i forget...)  (oh, and I'm kidding, she doesn't have to have them all memorized)  Of course we talk about the importance of washing hands, brushing teeth and taking baths.  We'll work on nutrition as soon as I don't eat a Snickers everyday for lunch..
Bible time will be at bedtime as part of our family time.

We're looking at about 2-2.5 hours per day.  I'd like to get it all done before lunch but with the schedule I've made, if we're going slow or need to make a coffee run we can always do school work after nap time.

Here's a look at the schedule I made last night:

Definitely a rough draft since I'm sure we'll need to tweak it to find out what works best for us.  For now, that looks good to me.

Josh and I talked about a bit of a reward system to encourage Sugar.  We decided for any extra work she does above and beyond a regular school day, she'll be allowed that many minutes of television.  Sugar likes her t.v. time.

Okay, so that's all I have time for right now, I have a kitchen to clean from lunch and a hashbrown to eat and two giggly little girls that I need to read a story to before nap time.

Questions about how we're going to run our school this year that I haven't covered?  Ask 'em in the comments and I'll answer later this week.

Sarah's gettin' her groove back

Summer's over.

Strangely the weather 'round these parts is getting warmer.

It's been a strange season - this summer.  And not just the weather but this season of my life.

None of it I'm proud of.  Well, besides the fact that I've survived it.  We've survived it.  My husband, my kids.  Myself.

I've hardly written and when I have, it's been meh.  I've been awful at keeping up with our lives.  I'm just trying to survive my days.  I'm just trying to make it to bed time.  When I think about writing stuff out - I sigh.  Do I really wanna journal these days?  Do I want to remember them?  Do I want to write about my poor decisions, my selfish heart, the yelling, the laundry pile, the kids who haven't had a bath in a few days, the husband who continually gets up in the mornings alone to make his own breakfast?

Do you really want to know this crap?  Do I want to remember it years down the road?

I just don't think so.

The last few days, though emotionally and physically taxing - have been good.  My heart and my mind are going a thousand different directions at once - but it's good.  I know it doesn't make sense.  Without throwing up the inside of my thought process I know it's difficult for anyone to understand.  I just think that after several months of fog, I have a bit of clarity going on.

The fog is lifting.

The weight is lifting.

I'm hopeful.

In the midst of myself.  My failures...and oh, there are so many...I have hope.

I can't change the bad wife and mama I've been for several months, I can't get that time back and do it better.  I can only do better from here on out.

So.  Even though life is about to get so very full with a new year of home schooling and our first season of soccer for Sugar, I do hope to blog more.  Whether it's good...or bad.  I'll lay it out here.

Bringing Crazy Back

So.  Let's just lay it out there.

I went back to my counselor a couple Fridays ago.  And I didn't tell my husband I'd made the appointment until 30 minutes before leaving for said appointment.

Why?  Meh.  Because I didn't want him worrying about the crazy.

Anyway, I go.  And I mighta cried.  (totally cried)

Her words to me: "I've never met anyone who is harder on themselves than you."

I sit there and the tears come, not because of her words but because of the reason she said what she said.

"I don't know what it's supposed to look like.  My days, I mean.  I'm home with my kids all day long but sometimes at the end of a day and more often than I'd like to admit, I realize I haven't just spent time with them.  I've cooked and cleaned and busied myself but I haven't just sat to play."

"I'm impatient and crabby.  I yell.  And I've been known to throw stuff."

"And then there's Josh.  Who, in 6 years of parenting has never raised his voice to our children.  Will always take the time - even if it's 2 hours, to explain to our kids how to do something when he could have gotten the job done in 20 minutes had he shooed them away like I do."

"I used to judge those women who could up and leave their families.  I mean, how could they?!  Well, now I know.  I see how.  Sometimes I think they'd be better off without me.  Josh is great with them all on his own."

I tell her I don't think I'm a good wife and she asks me why, besides some obvious reasons I tell her about, I also tell her that Josh makes his own breakfast every morning.  And sometimes his own lunch.

And she laughs at me.

"That's why you're a bad wife?"

Apparently a lot of men make their own breakfast and lunch and I should not feel bad.

Also, many women don't feel they spend the right amount of time with their kids.  It's not just me.  She says for as crazy as I feel, I'm actually quite normal.

You realize that means you're crazy with me, right?

But she did tell me that it's not healthy to feel that my family would be better off without me.  That that's not good.  That maybe I should try some medicine to get my brain working right again.

(let the onslaught begin)

I have never been opposed to medication that helps someone.  Ever.  Mainly because I feel the first time you judge someone for an action, you're next, dude.

She's recommended a doctor and a medicine.  Honestly...I'm considering it.  Sent a friend a text after my appointment to let her know all went well and what was suggested.  Her response was that I should get a double amount and we'd split them and the co-pay.  Silly, kid.  Like I'm gonna share my crazy goods.

I started this post a couple of weeks ago.  I've had time to think about the meds.  And I don't think I'm going to do it.  I don't know.  It freaks me out.


Anyway.  I guess the deal is, I need to figure some stuff out.  I need to figure out how much time is okay to spend cooking, cleaning, playing with kids, teaching, texting, blogging, working out, etc.  I need to figure out how to not wake up in the night with sweat pouring off me because I'm a nervous wreck I'm ruining my family's life because I'm a sucky wife and mom and housekeeper.

13 years in, man, and I'm still no good at this and that's why I have my days, my weeks, my months where I feel they'd be better without me here.

Those meds are lookin' better and better.

Starbucks Winner!

Thanks to everyone for the ideas to keep Spice occupied during school time with Sugar.  Totally appreciate your awesome ideas.

This video might make ya a lil car sick.  Sorry!

{best}

In the deleted scenes in the movie, P.S. I Love You is the quote: "You never have another best friend like that first one you have when you know who you are in life."

It's my favorite quote ever.  Because, for me, it is so true.

I can tell her anything without making her gasp.  Nothing about me surprises her.  She loves me.  Puts up with me.

Gets me.

I went an entire year without her and, quite honestly, was in mourning the entire time.  It was an awful, miserable year.  I'm so thankful it's been a year since that year.  I'm thankful for her.  For our friendship.  Thankful that she has just as awesome of a singing voice to Wilson Phillips as I do.

I'm thankful she likes to toilet paper houses in broad daylight.

I'm thankful we didn't wreck while she was driving, singing, texting and picture taking all at the same time.

Dorothy.

It's you and me, babe.  We.

I love you.  Forever and ever.

And I never wanna know again what a day without you is like.

Quick! Help Needed. Starbucks gift card as inspiration!

Hey!  Okay, so I just have a coupla minutes but need your input.

We're starting school back up in a few weeks and I'm trying to get some ideas together to keep Spicey Spice entertained for the couple hours Sugar and I are working.

Otherwise we'll end up with this again.

I'm thinking boxes labeled Monday-Thursday that she can have filled with goodies.  I need ideas for the goodies.  Games, or toys or books.

Any ideas?  Give me ideas of any kind to keep this girl entertained and I'll randomly select a winner on Thursday for a gift card to Starbucks.

Thank you!!

When good hygiene was a bad idea

We're presently on vacation. If you call camping with two small children and a Beagle a vacation. (I do not) (I call it paying for torture)

We're in Idaho. I love Idaho. People wave hello and carry guns and drive their ATVs down the highway. This is my kinda country.

Today we decided to blow the children's inheritence and took them to Silverwood. For those of you unaware, Silverwood is a theme park with a waterpark. Great fun. (eye roll) Okay, so it wasn't so bad. You know til one of my most embarrassing moments occured.

The girls are pretty young for the roller coaster part of the park so we just went to the water side. I was wearing a tank top and my bikini bottoms.

We play in the water. It's all fun and games.

Til it's time to use the restroom.

I go in the stall. And like the good little hygiene girl that I am, I put the little paper cover down on the seat and I sit down.

And that's when I realize what a very bad idea my good hygeine moment was.

Mhm. My wet ass (pardon) stuck to the paper seat cover.

Stuck. To. It.

I stood up.

And so did the seat cover.

I had nothin'. No towel. No shorts.

So I start trying to peel the paper seat cover off of me. Of course there's a huge line of women waiting for me to leave the stall but you really think I'm going to leave with the paper seat cover plastered to me?!

Hail no.

I'm picking it off. Balling it up. Anything. Everything. Trying to get myself free. I'm sure the girl in the stall next to me was wondering what in the sam hill I was doing dancing around in there. Mostly I was just wanting to die. I left the stall. Finally. Still picking leftover paper seat cover off my body while two teenage girls stared at me.

So.

Note to self: do not (for the love!) sit on a paper seat cover if your rear is wet. It will not end well.

But(t) it will end in a blog post.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Break

I've taken a completely unintentional blog break.

Nothing's happened or happening.  Just living life instead of blogging it at the moment.

I have drafts but nothing finished or worth posting.

Maybe next week?

I hope nothing goes right so I have blog material

Tomorrow I'm going to a cattle sale with Chelsea.

and our five children. {six if you count the one she's gestating}

and a trailer full of cows.  {is it a trailer full of cows, Chels?}

See, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.  She asked if I wanted to go and I was like, "duh!"  But I probably didn't say it quite like that.

Even if I wanted to.

So.

Yep.  It'll be us.  Our five children.  Some cows.  Cattlemen.  And our cluelessness. {that's not a word, btw}

We're sure to be the life of the party.

A glimpse at my text life

This girl and me?  We're a good time.

Just ask us.

Tuesday seems like a good day for a random list

Why do the clothing items with the least amount of material cost the most?

Nothing of the last six months of my life has been easy.  I have been out of my comfort zone physically and emotionally.  I am a stronger person for it.

Things I've observed on the pathway I bike on: Couples never say hi.  A woman alone will almost always ignore me.  While a man alone will always smile and say hi.  I've come to the conclusion women are rude and men are friendly.  Me?  I smile and say hi to everyone.  Always.

My mother-in-law currently has all her grandchildren (except the newborn) at her house.  They slept there last night.  She's nuts.  But with the last name, it's kind of a given.

I have a secret.  (oh but don't we all)

I had two of my favorite people over on Friday night and it's so nice to just be me and know they love me.  I can be obnoxious and moody and loud and they love me just the same.

A friend emailed me that she had a dream her and I were strippers.  It's nice to know I have a friend who dreams of me being naked.

I ran three miles with my aunt and uncle yesterday, then later in the day I rode 35 miles to the gym and back.  I don't recognize myself.  Physically.  Emotionally.

I'm shocked how strong and weak I can feel at the same time.

Today is a really great hair day.  Which means I will not see anyone I know.

At yoga last night we learned some new moves.  I felt a little like I was making my own p*rn movie at times. ☺ Okay, not really.  (but yeah, kinda)

Saturday is the 12th anniversary of my dad's drowning.  I can so do this.

I ran into a friend from High School last week and instead of ducking or running from the situation (like I normally do) I talked to him and it was good.  It's been several years since we've chatted and I loved that it was just easy and as if no time had passed. This time I didn't break out into a sweat talking to him. ☺

I'm spending an entire weekend with friends!

The secret I have?  I'll share it tomorrow.  (it's not what you're thinking)

Who they are right now

She can do it herself.

Just ask her.

She loves her daddy and making up stories.  She loves the rope swing on our redneck swing set.  She has freckles and skinny legs.  Skinny legs that always have bruises on them.  She's happy-go-lucky.  She's thoughtful and she's loving.

She's starting to enjoy learning to read.  But let's not bring up math, alright?  {she is her mama's daughter}

She didn't pass Level 1 for swim lessons but she doesn't know that.  All she knows is she was given an award and she gets to go back every Tuesday and Thursday.

She collected a bunch of snails and their "montanas" move all around.

She lets bugs crawl on her hands and I pretend it doesn't freak me out.  Even though it totally does.

She loves to sing.  Worship music, Country music and a little Rihanna every now and then.

She is six.  She's my firstborn.  She saved me from me.

And then there's her sister.

She believes her feet should not touch the ground.  She wants to be carried wherever we're going and cries if you don't give her what she wants.  It's not even a little cute but I remind myself that one day she won't want to be carried so I should enjoy this while I can.

She loves to get dirty but as soon as she does she wants a change of clothes and to be washed off.  Then back out to get dirty she goes!  She currently goes through about 3-5 outfits per day and this makes me insane.  (insaner?)

She's a mama's girl and wants to be rocked all the time.  She lets me hold her like she's a baby and this melts my mama heart.

She's got a temper you don't wanna mess with but she's such a little lover.  She does not like tomatoes but will eat most any other fruit or vegetable.  She can buckle the top part of her car seat herself and if you accidentally do it for her, she will undo it and redo it.

Because, like her sister, she can do it herself.

Her f's sound like shhh and it's my favorite thing to carry on a conversation with her.  I'm almost certain she will be wearing diapers underneath her graduation gown.

She is three.  She is my baby.  And I cannot imagine my days without her.

Sweet girls, your mama loves you so.

Material, Please.

Besides the video and my voice being totally off, apparently my 16 minute video wasn't too boring.

Yay!

You guys are really too sweet to me.  Kinda wondering if you're all lying to me. :)

I was thinking maybe I'd try and make it a weekly or every other week deal.  I had a hoot doing it.  But I really don't know what I'd make the videos about.

So.

Wanna list some vlog material suggestions in the comments?  I promise to keep the next videos shorter.

The first {and quite possibly the last} Vlog Post

It's long.

And my ceiling fan is going in the background.  Which is a little obnoxious.

And it's long.

Did I mention that already?

Also, my voice is off from the video part.  Which I find highly annoying.  I don't know if there's something I could have done to fix it but we're lucky I even figured out how to make a video in the first place.  I tried uploading to YouTube, thinking that would help, but apparently they don't like 16 minute videos.  Go figure.

Oh, Lord, here goes.

Vlog? What Vlog?

So, I got a little busy yesterday and I've been super busy today getting my house in order that I haven't had a chance to video mysweetself answering the questions you've either emailed, FB'd or posted as a comment on this post.

My goal is to have it done for Friday.  I know, I'm lame.  But I think we established that on this blog ohhh, about five years ago.

I have about six questions to answer so far, which surprises me.  Maybe I'm just nosier than everyone else.  I'd be asking questions like crazy if someone offered to answer anything I asked. ☺

A couple of 'em are serious and I'm going to have to make notes.  Thank you, Sammy, for making me think!

Friday.  I promise.

Spandex and my Rack {what a post title}

Josh and I celebrated our 13th anniversary this weekend.

To celebrate we went for a 90 mile bike ride.  No, I'm not even a little kidding.  A little sore, yes.  Kidding, no.

When we were about 35 miles in I hit a bump and my chain did some weird thing and we had to stop so I could watch Josh fix it.  (we wouldn't want me to break a nail that I've just now quit biting, right?)

We're about to get back on our bikes and he looks at me and says, "Where's your muffin top?"  (he's a sweet talker, that one.)

My reply, "I stuffed it in my spandex. Duh."  As if it just magically went away or something.  Spandex is good for stuffing in muffin tops, FYI!

Today he's telling me that he doesn't have a current insurance card in his Suburban and he doesn't want to go to jail if he gets pulled over.  (I think he was being slightly dramatic.)

"Oh, I don't know what I did with the new ones.  But it's not a big deal, when I got pulled over and didn't have a current card, it wasn't a big deal."

To which he replies, "Yeah, because you have a rack."

That I apparently need to make sure I don't stuff in spandex.

Q & A Vlog Edition

So I've always wanted to make a vlog.  (video blog)  But I've not done it because I'm a chicken.

I don't know what I'm a chicken about necessarily but that's my excuse.

Mostly I just didn't know what the hay I'd vlog about.  I mean, I rarely even know what I'm going to blog about until my fingers starting hitting keys.

This morning while in the shower - where I do my best thinking - I decided I'd let you decide what I vlog about! So, in the comments section or in an email if you don't want anyone to know it was you - ask me a question.  Anything.  I'm game.  Public humiliation is my fave.

Not really.

But it sounded good.

So.  You ask the questions.  And I'll make a vlog of myself answering said questions*.  I'll post the video on Tuesday. There might be naughty children in the background that I have to yell at and if you feel the need to call child protective services during the video, feel free.

Their bags will be packed and sitting by the door.



*I reserve the right to totally bail on this whole thing ☺

I so should not blog this but it's too funny NOT to.

What I'm about to tell you happened a month ago and I'm just now going to blog it.

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe you'll be offended.  {please don't be}

Mostly I'm hoping you'll laugh as hard as I did.

and as hard as I still do when I think about it.

Remember the Brazilian birthday? {only click the link if you want a play-by-play of a wax job} For those who don't want to click the link, the short version is this:  I had a Brazilian wax done on my birthday a month ago.  the end.

So.

It's a day or so after my procedure and I get out of the shower and head into my bedroom - in my birthday suit.  Sugar (age 6) is sitting on my bed, sucking her thumb and watching a movie.  She looks at me, then does a double take.

and says, with all seriousness...

"Mama, where's your fur?"

I died.  I'm still dying about it.  I had no response.  What was I supposed to say to that?!

Mission Accomplished

6 months.

Countless hours at the gym.

Countless trips to Starbucks and McDonald's.

About 400 miles on my bike.

And I have reached the goal weight I set back at the end of January.

I went from 153 down to 125.  From a size 12 to a size 6.

28 lbs. lost.

I'm happy.

Going to the yoga classes has definitely been the best thing for me.  The flexibility and strength I've gained is amazing to me.  When I first started and we were told to 'Crocodile' which is basically holding yourself in a lowered push-up position I couldn't even lower myself down to the ground.  Now, not only can I lower myself but I can hold myself there - hovering an inch or so above the ground.

I could barely touch my toes - okay, I could barely touch my belly button before I started yoga.  Now, I can bend down and reach my hands underneath my feet.  Seriously.  (I know, a lot of people can already do this, but for someone as inflexible as I was, it's a huge achievement)

My arms are conditioned and strong.  I'm no longer embarrassed to wear shorts; I have ankles!  Who knew?  In fact, for the first time in several years I purchased two pairs.  And I've been wearing them.  I don't have a six pack by any means but when I flex my stomach muscles I can feel 'em easily and it's great.

I can go out and run a few miles or bike 35 and not feel like I'm going to die when I get home.  6 months ago I got winded walking to the refrigerator. ☺ No, seriously.

Six months ago I was embarrassed to go out in public. Now, I'm comfortable with me.  I could definitely lose more weight.  I'm still 10 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Sugar almost seven years ago.  So, if I get there, I get there.  I'm not going to change anything that I've been doing since January, except to ride my bike more.  My thighs thank me.

And I want to thank:

Josh.  Without his encouragement and the hours watching the girls so I could go to the gym or go running or head out on my bike for 3 hours, I wouldn't be at this point.  Also, he loved me as much at 153 as he does at 125, I'm thankful he's just been there through the darkest times of my life.

Amber.  For convincing me to go to yoga at 6 a.m. which, after we became masters of yoga turned into Body Flow at 7 p.m.  Thank you for the hilariousness and inappropriateness.  We are a good time.  More people should be like us. ☺

Friends.  For texts and emails of encouragement.  Seriously helped me keep on, keepin' on.

YOU! My rockin' blog readers.  For emails, comments left on posts.  You've made me laugh and cry and inspired me to keep trying.

Jessica.  For inspiring me to start running again in the first place. For the texts of encouragement.  For running with me at the 5K and carrying me along the whole way.  (and for the shorts I've yet to return....)  Also, after I finished my 12K she left a comment on my Facebook wall that said, "You're a runner."  That made me so freakin' happy I cried.

It's been six months of hard work.  Dedication and determination I didn't know I had.  Thankful to God for a strong, healthy body and the ability to just get outta bed in the morning.

I'm kinda lovin' life right now.

a Fourth of July rundown of my last 30 hours

I've been alone for 31(ish) hours.

In that time I helped a friend paint (hi, Betty!) and then she bought me Starbucks and dinner.  I will paint for her anytime!  And then I lingered at her house because I'm not so good at going home to an empty house.  (uh, sorry if I overstayed my welcome!)

This morning I woke up at 7:02 and when I saw the time I closed my eyes and woke up at 8:04.  I pulled on tank top, some shorts and headed to Safeway (where I get my Starbucks) and I ordered my coffee, sat outside the store and read a book for two hours.  Uh huh.  Two hours outside the store.  Whoops.

I came home (to a locked house and had to climb through a window) and cleaned out my refrigerator. *shudder* Did dishes. Cleaned the living room, vacuumed and then mowed the pasture.  I started sprinklers.  Took a shower.  Put on my make up and decided to go for a bike ride.

I rode to Chelsea's.  BS'd with her for close to two hours and then got back on my bike and headed home.  The last two miles of my ride I thought I was going to have to call Chelsea and have her pick me up, I was totally dragging.  Realized I hadn't eaten anything all day (duh!) and had hit a wall.  I made it home.  Grabbed a glass from the freezer, put a couple Tbsp of OJ in it and then filled it with Blue Moon.

That was my dinner.

Then I went to Safeway (yes, again) got an iced green tea and sat and read for another hour.

That was my dessert.

I came home, gave my dog a coupla tranquilizers - he doesn't like the fireworks.  Took a bath with Pandora playing in the background and then I put myself to bed at 8:30.

With the fireworks going off I can't sleep even though I'm absolutely exhausted from doing nothing for the last 30 hours.

At least I get to sleep in again tomorrow.

The loneliness has not been bad at all.  I definitely miss my family but for once I've just let myself enjoy the alone time without guilt.  I think I'm growing up.

Happy Fourth of July!