Wednesday Random Leap Year Edition

I'm cold.

I quit biting my fingernails again.  I think it's been over a month.  They look nice.  I painted them pink today.  I don't like pink on my fingernails but I do on my toes.

I woke up with snow in my yard this morning.  I swore under my breath.

Tonight I get to see a woman I haven't seen in nearly 20 years.  My friend Rachel from third grade (well, not just 3rd grade but that's when we met) it's her mother.  I've talked to her on the phone a couple of times over the past few days and it's so fun to hear her voice.

Spice has been so involved with school lately that I've decided to purchase the phonics curriculum for her that I used for Sugar last year.  For the longest time she could spell her name aloud.  But last week, out of nowhere, she wrote her name on a piece of paper.  I don't know if this is a big deal for a 3.5 yr old, maybe all or most 3.5 yr olds do this, but my first 3.5 yr old (Sugar) didn't even want to touch a pencil at that age.  Heck, she's 6.5 and doesn't wanna touch a pencil.  So I'm pretty stoked over it and while she's loving it, I'm going to encourage it like crazy.

We had a pretty crazy windstorm in our area last week and because of it some people had trees fall over.  Josh and I were presented with the opportunity to take care of one such tree.  When I was a kid (3rd grade, with best friend Rachel, mentioned above) I spent time at Rachel's grandma's house.  I remember loving that place.  Her grandma's tree uprooted itself last week, and after over 20 years, I find myself back at that house.  The tree is about 50 years old, so she's rather large.  My girls have enjoyed playing in the large yard, while Josh and I have enjoyed working side by side cutting up the tree.

Rick Santorum will be in Tri-Cities tomorrow and I'm thinking of going to hear/see him.  Ron Paul was here a coupla Fridays ago but I had company that day and didn't get up to hear him speak.

I just looked down and realized I have melted chocolate on my jeans.  How any chocolate missed my mouth is beyond me.

Speaking of chocolate, I told Josh the other day that I was giving up candy bars until I'd lost 10 lbs*.  Yeah, I lasted two days.

*I don't need or necessarily want to lose 10 lbs but heck, if that could happen, rock on.


This Saturday is a day that I'm sure will provide much blog material for next week.

Our tax return is going to pay off my medical bills instead of buying the cow we'd originally planned on.  People who were freaking out over us having farm animals can now breathe a sigh of relief.

I'd much rather have a cow than pay off medical bills but I'm going to be a grown up for once and be responsible.

But I'll be wishing I were buying a cow instead.  With chickens.

And a pig or 7.

The Beth Moore bible study that I've been going to is almost over.  Last week's lesson was about talking bad about our brothers and sisters in Christ.  Wow.  Wow.  


I love a good cuppa french press.

I also love my new tattoo.  She makes my heart happy.

So you know how we have a crew of peeps we cycle with and how they're currently mountain biking and not road biking?  Well, they are.  And I hate it.  I don't like mountain biking.  Maybe I would had the first ride out not ended up with my leg looking like this:

Well anyway, yesterday Doc showed up at my house yesterday and before he leaves he grabs his iPhone and says, "what's the weather supposed to be like on Saturday?"  So we both look at our phones and realize it's not going to be too shabby.  He asks if I want to road bike on Saturday.  Heck yes I do!  I told him I wasn't sure though, that I needed to talk to Josh.  Told him I'd text him later about it.  So I did.  And his reply, "okay, for you, at the office at 8."  YAY!  My heart is happy!

So before the fun of my Saturday (it's time with Amber) I'll get to road bike.

Here's hoping I don't get hit by any cars.

Frustrated. Thankful.

Last Friday I went into the billing office for the hospital where I have all my surgeries.

All being three.

I hadn't received a bill, just statement after statement.

After statement.

I had been in contact with the billing office right before my surgery, setting up a payment plan since I'd had 2 CT scans done (one abdominal and then one for my ankle back in Oct) along with a ton o' blood work and some other junk.  Even with my insurance, my account was getting bigger and bigger.  There wasn't any way I could just write a check for the whole deal.

So we set up that payment plan.  It was about $150 per month (for the rest of my life) and while that seemed like quite a chunk, it was definitely something we could swing.

Fast forward a coupla months to last Friday.  I realize I didn't get a bill for February and wanted to know what the deal was so I went in.

"Well, your account balance has increased."  (previous payment plan was based pre-surgery)

"So we need to adjust your payment plan amount."

Ugh.

What used to be $150 a month is now $300 per month.

Ugh.

"And we'll need a payment today."

Fo realz?!

I'm frustrated.  With me.  For not having a savings built up enough to just pay my balance in full.

Thankful.  For insurance. For not having a car payment or credit cards that I have to pay on monthly, because if I did, I definitely wouldn't be able to afford $300 per month.  I don't know how we're going to do it as it is but I know we wouldn't if we had those other expenses.

Really hoping 2012 is hospital visit free.

So there was this one time I got hit by a car

True story.

And since I am alive and well to tell about it, I will.

And we can laugh at me.

And my stupidity.

On Saturday night I got this brilliant idea to ride my bike to church.

Our church is approximately 35 miles from our house.  I figured I could make it in 3 hours.

What I didn't figure in is that at the time I wanted to leave (6 am) it's still dark.  I have no reflective gear or flashy lights or anything like that so I waited a little longer for the sun to come up.  I left the house about 6:30 and made my way to church on the highway.

At what I figured was my half-way mark I stopped my bike, checked my phone for the time and called Josh to let him know where I was.  I also took a drink of water.  Because I have to stop my bike to take a drink.  Hey, I dye my hair blonde and apparently me drinking water whilst riding my bike is a bit like a blonde trying to chew gum and walk at the same time.

I just can't do it.

It was 8 when I called Josh.  I knew I wouldn't make it to church on time.  We had to be there at 9 to work in the nursery.  I was mad.  Had I been able to leave at 6 I would have been on time.

So I'm pedaling.  And pedaling some more.

There's a small stretch where I had to get on the freeway (talk about intimidating) and cross a bridge that has very little shoulder.  Josh had told me I'd have bust my butt across that bridge.  I'm getting close to the bridge when Josh and the girls drove by me.

"Oh, please God, let him pull over."  I was tired.  And still had probably 6 miles or so to go.  I took the off ramp, went over another bridge and there he was, waiting at the bottom of the hill for me.

Hallelujah.

All that to get to the night I was hit by a car...

So the next day, Monday, I decided to ride to the gym.  Josh got home early and I knew I could make it to the gym before dark.

What I didn't count on is that my legs would be DEAD from my 31 mile ride the day before.

When I bike to the gym I'm usually cruising around 15 mph.  I was seeing 12 mph.  It was miserable.  My legs just weren't moving like they usually do.

I get into town and there's a stretch when I first enter Prosser that I can cruise at about 22-24 mph for a bit, it's a little downhill and I've usually gotten my second wind.  Yeah, this night?  Not so much.  I was lucky to hit 14-15 mph.  So, I'm behind schedule, and it's dark.

I look to my right to see if there's a car on the highway I'm about to cross.  I see a Suburban and realize if it pulls up to the stop sign far enough, I can glide behind it just fine and not have to stop.

I'm running late!

So the Suburban is in my mind.  I look ahead of me and see more cars, all of which I think are heading straight, and not realizing that one is actually in the left turn lane.  Suburban pulls up far enough that I can ride behind her, I'm about to cross when I realize that a small car is in the left turn and will be turning into me before I get across.

Slow motion.

Thankfully she wasn't driving very fast.  Thankfully there was no one coming from the other direction.

I knew she was going to hit me.  There was no way for me to move any faster.  And had I stopped she would have hit me much harder.

I yelled to God.  Out loud.  I can't remember exactly what I said but I'm pretty sure the word, "help!" was in there somewhere.

She came to a stop.  Against my bike.  She didn't even hit me hard enough to knock me over.  It jarred my bike and pushed me but I was able to stay on.  I clipped out of my pedals, stopped my bike and she stopped her car.  She opened the door and at the same time we asked if the other was okay.

We both were.

And we carried on.

I called Josh right away and said something like this, "Honey, I'm fine, I was just hit by a car but I'm fine."

Him:  silence.

Me:  I'm okay, just wanted to let you know.  Can you pick me up after the gym?

Him:  Um, no.  Let me come get you now.

We argued about that.  I wasn't going to let a little bump keep me from the gym.  I got there 10 minutes late for class and could not concentrate.  I finally ended up sending him a text during meditation to come get me.

My bike has a scratch.

I do not.

I'm a lucky chick.

It coulda been a whole lot worse, especially because I foolishly went without a helmet that night.

I won't be stupid like that again.

So yeah, there was this one time I got hit by a car.  Good conversation starter.  Or blog material.

The things I do for your entertainment.

The Tattoo

I got it.

A coupla Fridays ago.

My sister made the appointment for me with the guy who did one of her tattoos.

He's located in the mall.  When I found out that part I was wondering if Claire's had added tattoos to their ear piercing section.

I could just see the sign outside the door:

"Buy one pair of glittery, heart shaped earrings and get a tattoo for half price!"

That wasn't the case.  Thank God.

But before my appointment time I had to figure out what I wanted.  I still hadn't decided on which bike to get or where to put it.

I showed Josh the pictures and he fiercely hated them both.  Which I didn't realize until just a coupla hours before I went in. Niiiice.  He kept pointing out all the flaws on both bikes.  Saying they didn't even look like real bikes, etc.

I realized he had a point.

So I decided to print off a picture from REIs website of my bike and have the guy just do a basic outline of that.

I considered adding the spokes in (that was one thing I didn't like about Bike B) but if I was going to make the bike look completely realistic I'd have to add 28 spokes to each wheel and then that would just be a very busy bicycle.  So I opted out of the spokes and did outline instead.

Megan took pictures for me.  It's what a good sister does.

In her driveway. About to get the party started.

"Hurry, I gotta watch the road!"

A "before" picture of my calf.

I look nervous but wasn't really.  Excited, yes!

Aaron, Mall Tattoo Artist and Sarcasm Extraordinaire 

He wanted to know where I wanted the tattoo.  When I told him I wanted it on my calf he asked why I'd want it there.  I said, "where else would I put it, my forehead?"  His reply, "well, do you even ride bikes?"  Me, "duh, if I didn't would I put it there?"  Him, "look, I work in the mall, you wouldn't believe what people put on their bodies and where."  Me, "well, it just so happens I do ride bikes.  So there."  And that was the end of that convo.  (neener neener)


And the finished product.

The first question I always get asked is, "did it hurt?"  Not so much, no.  It stings at first, just a little.  The worst part is that I am terribly ticklish on my calves.  So, when he'd have to dab at the blood and ink I would move my leg because he was tickling me so bad!  

This is kinda how the process would go.

Bzzzzz sound.  Stop.  Dab.  I'd kick my leg.

Him: Stop moving!

Me: Then stop tickling me!

Lather, rinse, repeat.

The whole process took about 30 minutes.  He did an awesome job and I could not be happier with the work he did.  Plus, he was just a good time.  And Megan was a good time.  She's always a good time.

If/when I decide on another tattoo (I kinda already have something in mind) (don't tell Josh) I'll be going back to Aaron, the mall tattoo artist.

It happened so fast

Sunday we took a little road trip to Bend, OR.

We stopped at a gas station to use the restroom but it was occupied forever so we drove across the street to Wal Mart.  I'd shudder here but it's Wal Mart in Bend.  Not Wal Mart of my town so there was no need to shudder.

As we leave, Sugar wants to start running in the parking lot(!?) and I quickly told her that wasn't a good idea.  She slows down and is about a step in front of me, so close in fact I nearly stepped on her heels.  We are two cars away from our van when a Subaru Legacy starts to back out.

I immediately threw my body against Sugar's, slamming her into our van and I just stayed there for a second.  I turned around and saw a wide-eyed teenage girl.  She'd braked and just stayed put.  Both of us were freaked out.  My first response as a mama (or any protective human being) was to be angry but I could see in this girl's eyes she didn't mean to, she honestly just didn't see my little girl.

She rolled down her window and could hardly get her words out.

"I'm so...I'm so sorry.  I just didn't...see her."

I told her everything was fine.  I gave her a reassuring smile and put Sugar in the van.

Then I got in my seat and I lost it.  All the what ifs started playing in my mind.

But none of the what ifs matter.  Sugar's safe and for that, this mama is thankful.

this is when

My dad had the same birth date as Josh.

So on their birthday I'm usually busy preparing a birthday party for Josh to think about how my dad would be 50+ yrs old this year.

I used to be a wreck on the anniversary of his drowning.  But after some long overdue (like 11 yrs overdue) counseling I didn't cry on the anniversary.  Plus, on the last anniversary I spent that day with friends.

My days used to be spent thinking of him everyday.  For years.  I don't think that's normal but I've never claimed to be.

Through counseling though - I learned that it was okay to grieve.  I learned how to grieve.  And I healed.  Through healing I found a peace.  And through that peace I didn't have to think about him daily and live with regrets.

But it's on this day.

On Valentine's Day that I think of him.

When I was nine he started sending carnations.  Some years the note would read, "From, Mark" or, "Love, Mark" or, even bolder, "Love, Your Dad."

At 17 I received - for the last time - carnations and a little bear.  That year the card was, "Love, Your Dad."  Maybe because he knew I was getting closer to feeling comfortable calling him that (though I never did.)  The Valentine's after I turned 18 I was married and I wonder if he just didn't feel it was his place anymore to give me anything.

I don't know.

I do know that he made the day special for me - even if I didn't like carnations ;)  It was nice to know someone was loving on me and thinking of me.

My goal is to provide those happy memories for my girls.

Minus the carnations, of course.

My inner Valentine's Day struggle...that's no longer inner but uh, outter.

Source

Valentine's Day is coming up.

Did you just groan, too, or was that just me?

I'm not a fan of this "holiday" at all.

It's not really one that we acknowledge in this household.

But this year I've been seeing some fun stuff on Pinterest and wondered if maybe I shouldn't be such a Valentine's Day Scrooge.

I have two oh so sweet little girls that deserve to be loved on on this day.  I've struggled, though.  Do I make a big to do about Valentine's Day for my girls every year? Build it up, make it special - only to have them one day have a husband who's kinda "meh" toward the day?

I don't want their expectations of Valentine's Day to be too high.  But I feel like a schmuck saying that.  I mean I should want their expectations to be high, right?  Um, but not too high.  Just high enough.

A perfect amount of expectation.

I'm sure there isn't such a thing.

I just know that I've had too high of expectations about the day.  For a long time Valentine's Day was a big let down.  It took a whole lot of years but I no longer have any expectations of the day and am no longer disappointed.  February 14th is just like February 13th or August 2nd or December 1st.

But I want it special for my girls while they are under my roof.  And when they are adults, I think I'll continue to make it special for them until they have someone to do it for them.

*this is not a bash on Valentine's Day or the lack of celebrating that goes on in our house for it.  Josh and I have an unspoken understanding that this is just a regular day and we're cool with it.  

Write that down

I always think I'll remember the funny things my kids say, but dangit, I don't remember half the funny stuff that comes out of their mouths.  So I'm going to try to start blogging them as quickly as they happen so that it's written down somewhere.

Sugar has been going through a growth spurt (again) and is constantly hungry.

My girls eat breakfast around 8 and I offer a snack at 10 with lunch at noon.

At 10 this morning the girls each had a banana.

Half an hour ago Sugar says she's hungry.

surprisesurprise.

I told her it wasn't lunch time yet.

Sugar - "Kids die without food, you know!?"

Me - "Yes, I know. But you're still not getting any food until lunch."

Sugar - "Then, Goodbye, World!"

Someone has a flare for the dramatic lately.

And I've no clue where she got that from.

homeschoolish update

We're using Explode the Code to help teach Sugar to read.

It's working marvelously.

She's reading.

Now to work on fluency.

Handwriting is a big deal to me.  It just is.  I like handwriting.  I like to be able to read other's handwriting.  I want my kids to have not only legible handwriting but handwriting that is nice to look at.

Sugar pretty much could not care less.

All of last school year (you know, the 6 days of it that we did) (kidding, there were more days than that) I had Sugar using the rubber pencil grip because she held her pencil all wonky.  It helped her to hold her pencil properly but her handwriting was horrid.

(in my critical handwriting opinion)

One day early on in this school year we couldn't find the pencil with the rubber grippy dealio so she went without it.  Her grip on her pencil is still wonky but her handwriting without the rubber grippy dealio is so much better!

I prefer the handwriting to look nice over how she holds her pencil.

We quit doing Math back in...oh...October.  We were struggling.  She was.  I was.  We were.  So at the advice of some veteran homeschoolin' mamas I quit.  Let her do it on her own.  And this week I finally decided to get our Math books back out (we're using Singapore) and she has blown through about two weeks worth of lessons in two days.  It's like it's clicked for her.  Or maybe it was the M&Ms I decided to use for a manipulative that made it more fun...

Science is us going to the library and Sugar picking a book.  Never fails that it's some sort of sea creature.  She loves dolphins and whales.  I haven't been super structured on her science.  We had been using our  Sonlight curriculum from last year for science but she was sooo not into learning about clouds and tornadoes and rain.  So we've bagged that for now.

Emphasis on for now.  I don't want you guys thinkin' she'll never learn about that stuff.  She will.  But one thing I'm learning about my kiddo, when she's into learning about something, she's into it.  Absorbs it.  Loves it.  Right now it's sea animals.  So we're going with that.

History is something we're just kinda pluggin' away at.  I admit that I think she'd be way more into it if I was on the ball about doing the projects listed in the book.  Sometimes they just require a whole lotta supplies that I don't have or want to mess with buying.  I know.  Lazy.  But the projects make the words come to life, so I need to just suck it up and go to...WalMart.  *shudder*

Spice sits right along side us and works in her own little books.  She asked the other day to be taught to read.    I just need to do it.  She's showing interest and that's like 90% of the battle.

Overall I feel that we're doing well this year.  The main thing Josh and I were concerned about for first grade was teaching Sugar to read.  Anything over and above we considered a bonus.

So, that's our update.  Sorry if some of it was a repeat from last time.  I can't remember if I posted an update or if it's in draft.  I didn't look.

Questions?  I'm sure someone's got'em.

More on the Tattoo

Pretty sure I'm going with Tattoo A.

And I'm thinking it'll go on my right leg just above my ankle.

More input from you.

Should I include words underneath the bike?

If so, what?

Or should I leave it plain?

The big day is coming soon.

Tattoo Ideas...Vote NOW {not that the voting really matters but it's still fun, right?}

So, I'm in the process of deciding on my next tattoo.  I have a couple of different ideas that I'm going to share.

Let me know which one you like best.  A or B.

A)

Source: tatt.ly via Sarah on Pinterest

OR

B)

Source: flickr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Also, can't decide on placement.  I like both locations pictured.

Rando-Random

Got a text this morning from my friend Chelsea.  She had her baby early this morning.  The tiny babe (5 lbs) has no middle name.  So of course I suggested using my middle name.  Rhett Lee.  It sounds good right?!

And how fabulous is the name Rhett?  I love it.  I can't wait to squeeze him and hear all the birthing details.  I love birth stories.

And giving birth.

Yes, I'm that weird girl (so is Amber) who loves, absolutely loves to give birth.  My body was good at it.

I got up at 5:15 this morning with Josh and Jim (our live-in for the next couple of months).  This morning was the first morning since he's been here that I've gotten up.  I'm just so bad at mornings.  I sat at the table doing my Beth Moore study while the men folk talked.  I love listening to them.  It's so nice having Jim here.  Josh has a running partner and I have one more man to make fun of and cook for.

Have I ever mentioned how much we love to have company?  It's our fave.  A couple Saturdays ago my side of the family came over for dinner and games.  We had 19 people here and I just couldn't get enough. (I would also like to say that I fed all 19 of us for $14.50.  That's 76 cents per plate.)  We had so much fun.  My sister and I were dancing (she's got moves!) We played cards.  My aunt and uncle's dog laid on the table. And after Spice used the potty, the other 18 of us cheered for her when she came out of the bathroom.

Good times.

When Amber and I started going to yoga and body flow last year we placed ourselves in the back.  Well, it's been a year and we're still in the back row.  It's easier for us to get away with our inappropriate comments back there and if we screw up our moves, we're the only ones to know.  Well.  WELL.  Last night she couldn't come and when I got to class MY SPOT WAS TAKEN!  I had to be in the very front.  ALONE.
And next to the mirror!  I hate the mirror!  Some women stare at themselves in that thing the entire time.  I avoid it like the plague!

Also.  And this as random as random can be, I learned last night that a thong to the gym is the only way to go.  The undergarments I wore last night were CREEPING.  And seeing as how I was IN THE FRONT ROW, it was a little difficult to pull out my wedgie the entire time.  Talk about uncomfortable.

Just got a text from Chelsea.  She went without an epidural and in her words "had to be tough like you."  So proud!

Josh and I have made plans for our 14th wedding anniversary.  We're going to Utah to ride our bikes!  Last year Josh went to Butte, MT with the crew we ride with on Saturdays.  This year we're going to Utah.  First stop will be Boise and then on to Ogden.  I'm excited that I get to go this year, that we get to go together.

Yesterday it was fairly warm.  The sun was out.  My kids ran outside with no coats. Socks or shoes.  And played in the mud.  I love, absolutely love that about my girls.  Spice is daintier with her mudding, but Sugar would roll in it if I'd let her.  Which I would, on a warmer day.  Heck, I'd join her.

Sending my taxes off to my friend, Kristie today.  Our refund will be spent in the weirdest way.  Looking forward to telling you about it.

Okay, that's enough randomness from my life.

What's random in yours?

It's time for the reward

On my journey to get healthy and lose weight, I decided that should I reach my goal (which I did) I'd buy myself a fancy shmancy pair of jeans from my fave store as a reward.  A good job, Sarah, present.

I've been at the same weight for nearly 6 months, I don't think I'll be losing much more.

I think it's time to buy those jeans.

But I want to make a day of it.

You see, I've reached my one year anniversary of this whole deal and I wanna celebrate.

I've decided I'mma get myself a babysitter, get my hair did, go shopping for those jeans and get myself another tattoo.

Oh, and buy myself lunch.

Because I like food.

This is going to be an expensive day.  Maybe I should sell that dog bed, huh?

The Expensive {but worth it!} Dog Bed

About five years ago I bought a down comforter and duvet cover from Overstock.  The two items cost $300.  It was pretty and it was cozy.  But it was too warm.

But every winter I still pull it out thinking that this will be the year we can stand to have it on our bed.  This winter was no different.  I pulled it out, we used it for three nights and the sweating was just too much.

So I threw it on the floor, thinking I'd take it to its bin downstairs at another time.

Remember when I vlogged about Ace sleeping in our bed and getting up in the night more often than a newborn?

Well.  He no longer sleeps in our bed.  Or gets up to pee in the night.  It's fantastic and I feel refreshed in the morning.  I no longer want to send him to "the farm" the way I once did.

No more Beagle paws stretching out on me in the night.  Or whimpers to go out.

Because Ace, he loves that down comforter.  It's his BFF.  He snuggles up in it and we don't hear from him all night.

It may seem ridiculous to let a dog sleep on a $300 bed but for a full night of sleep without dog breath in my face or his paws in my back or getting up three times a night to let him out, it's worth every penny.

Oh yes it is.

they're not called growing pains for nothin'

After publishing yesterday's post I got to thinking:

I didn't lose.  I haven't lost.

I'm not beaten down.

I'm victorious.

If lessons are learned, even the hard way, then I need to call that a success.  Right?  Yes.

The emotional, spiritual battles that I fight seem never ending.  I'm sure for all, or at least many of us. They're exhausting, these battles.

But I'm growing through them.

Growing requires growing pains, though.
Growing doesn't come pain free.  

But I'm the girl who tries to deal with pain on her own.  I don't take pain meds very well, if at all.

From the beginning of our marriage, I've said to Josh, about anything, "I can do it myself!"

I can't.

But boy, do I try.

Through this painful growing stage I'm learning I need to stop trying to do all this on my own.  This being my emotional and spiritual battle.  I'm not strong enough to do it on my own.

Yet...

"For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13 NLT

Victorious or Beaten - I'll take both

I remember at the end of February last year posting about feeling like I was in a fog.

And even though I was exercising and losing weight and feeling amazing - that fog was there.

I wasn't myself.

Well, I take that back.  I was me.  Just a less happy version of me.

I'm amazed at how amazing and awful I felt at the same time.

I was out of shape and overweight and that was visible.  Anyone could see it.  My efforts to take over that area of my life and make it new were visible.  I shared those efforts here, with you.  On Facebook.  On Twitter.  In person.

I'm not going to make light of my weight loss journey.  That was a huge battle.

For me, though.  It's the internal battles that are most difficult.  Those are the ones I don't talk as much about.

And there has been battle after battle waging.

And I've lost.

I've lost.

The end of summer was rough.  I was my strongest physically, yet my weakest emotionally.  I started taking an anti-depressant at the recommendation of my counselor.

I knew what was causing my depression.  And it wasn't something meds could fix.

I took them for a month and then quit.  (not recommended by my counselor or doctor)  This may not have been my wisest decision seeing how I got pretty down and out once I hurt my ankle and couldn't bike or gym.  But I've been fine without them.

Things have changed since I hurt my ankle.  Not just physically but emotionally.  Good stuff.  Hard stuff.  Heart stuff.

Since October I've had my good and bad days.  Many, many bad days.  Pity parties.  Anger.  Depression.  Anxiety.  (for me those two go hand in hand) The list could go on and on.  But in the last few weeks, I guess at the beginning of the year when I decided to no longer live wired for regret, I've felt happier.  Content. In love with life again.  With my life.  It's been slow but steady.  And lately I've found myself with happier days than depressed days.  It feels good.  I feel good.

Yesterday I got on my road bike for my first serious ride since October 1.  I rode 16.5 miles to the gym.  Did an hour of yoga and rode 16.5 miles home with a head wind.  I felt strong.  Physically.  And emotionally.

I've said 2011 was awesome for me, and it was.  But 2011 was rough for me, too.  I can't re-do it.  I wouldn't want to, though.  Every trial I'm faced with, whether I come out victorious or beaten down, I learn something.

And I'm learning God's grace is amazing.

So freaking amazing.

And I thought she'd go to Kindergarten in diapers...

I've been blogging for 5.5 years.  If you've been reading for any longer than a post and a half you know that I'm married to Super Man.

(he'd roll his eyes if he read that.)

But it's pretty much true, wouldn't you say?  And if you need one more story about him to convince you, here it is.

While I was away for a girlie trip two weekends ago, Josh decided to potty train Spice.

Fo Real.

And he did.

He got her to go.

And it's been two weeks since I've changed diapers.

Part of me feels bad that he did it and then part of me (the part that carried her for 9 months and pushed her out without any form of medication) doesn't.

Yay for no diapers!

That much more to spend on coffee.

Through the Years...revised again.

I first published this in 2009, but have continued to update it.  It's long, so you may need a nap part way through.


In June of 1980, three weeks after the eruption of Mt. St. Helens, a little girl is born to a single mama. I am that little girl and my mama was just 19.

In 1981 I would meet my dad for the first time but I would never in my 18 years of knowing him, call him "Dad".

Late Summer of 1983 my mom married my step-dad and he's the man that for the next 12 years (tho' the marriage didn't last that long) I will call "Dad".

In May of 1984, I become a big sister when Erica is born. It will be approximately 22 years before we are friends. Six weeks after she's born, we move from WA to Alta Loma, California. I meet my step-dad's mom and step-dad. My grandmother introduces me to Ritz crackers and peanut butter while watching cartoons in bed. My grandfather introduces me to Chocolate and Peanut Butter ice cream from Baskin Robbins. I believe this is the year that I fell in love with all things chocolate and peanut-buttery. Praise the Lord for 1984.

In 1985 we move to Phoenix, AZ and I start Kindergarten. I remember during a nap that I had a dream my stepdad came home with bandages on his face. When I woke up...he came home and indeed did have bandages on his face. He'd burned himself when a radiator cap busted. 24 years later, it still freaks me out I had a dream about it and it happened. I finish Kindergarten in Grandview, WA and meet a boy named Peter. He's the first boy I have a crush on and this crush will last through high school. I fall asleep on the bus almost daily and my mom always has to pick me up from the bus garage.

In 1986 my youngest sister, Megan, is born. We move to Fontana, CA and I start year round 1st grade. For Christmas my biological dad gives me a boy Cabbage Patch doll because I told him I wanted a brother.

In 1987 my sisters and I would live with my grandma and my two young aunts for a couple of months while my mom and stepdad look for work and a home in Seattle, WA. At 7 years old, I watch and fall in love with Dirty Dancing. Though I wasn't old enough to watch it on the big screen then, 20 years later I would be. We move to Seattle, my teacher eats cow tongue and it takes 45 minutes to get to school by bus. My mom has left my step-dad, I finish 2nd grade in Grandview. My new crush is Matt S. I get chicken pox and have to miss my Valentine's Party.

In 1988, I get a Nintendo for my birthday. My sister is bit by a dog. And I start third grade at the same school I attended for second grade! It's the first time I have a best friend. Her name is Rachel C.

In 1989 we move to Selah. In 4th grade I have to do a report on Hamsters and present it to the class. My first time public speaking made me sick. It wouldn't be the last time I get sick before public speaking. This is the year my dad starts sending me flowers for Valentine's Day. And also the year he will join in the force that cleaned up the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska. And for my 9th birthday he sends me Moose Slippers.

While shopping with my mother in Shop-Ko, we separate so I can buy her a gift. I have to go potty and can't find a restroom. I wet my pants. Since it's winter of 1990, my jeans steam off the car's seat when we get home. This will be laughed about til 2012. For a few months of fifth grade we move back to Grandview but then return to Selah. My fifth grade teacher is my first male teacher. In a drawing at the end of the school year I win the prize of taking home the class gerbils. This thrills my mother to no end...

I stay in Selah until a month into my 7th grade year when, in 1992, I make the decision to move back to Grandview and live with my grandma for a couple of months. I end up finishing out 7th grade in Selah, I win a prize for the best colored picture. I win a Pepsi and a Snickers bar. Still one of the best contests I've ever won.

From 92-94 we move four times. We move out of our apt. into and then out of the fifth wheel, into the Icky House and then back to Grandview for my high school career. It's 1994 and it's the year that will change my life.

Summer of 1994 we start going to church, I give my heart to Jesus on a school bus. I have a crush on a boy named PeeWee. And I make friends with three girls who will be my best friends even 17 years later.

In 1995 my best friend, Lindsey and I attend a soccer game. Before the game starts a boy named Trevor asks me out. I have my first real boyfriend. I join Cross Country. Our church gets a new Youth Pastor. Trevor and I break up. I start dating a boy named Eric who is well over 6' tall and I decide then that the man I marry must be tall. But it won't be Eric. We break up.

One Sunday night in October of 1996 while attending evening service at our church I meet the cutest boy I've ever seen in my life. He's wearing a Cross Country shirt that's tucked into his Lee jeans, running shoes and he's sporting a flat top. I don't know his name but I tell Lindsey, "he looks like a Josh and I'm going to marry him." I'm 16 years old. We're introduced in November and start dating shortly after our introduction. I fall head over heels. He's 5'8" and doesn't really like me. We date though for a few months then he breaks up with me. I'm completely devastated and have decided life is not worth living.

Josh comes around to my way of thinking in May and we get back together. Half way through my Senior year of High School, we're engaged in December of 1997.

One month after my 18th birthday we get married. Josh buys me my first car, an '82 Honda Civic hatchback and a grey cat we name Roger. To thank him, I'm the worst wife ever. I don't cook or clean. I don't do laundry and we spend a lot of time and money eating out and going to the movies. I beg him for a baby, he says no but I gain 30 lbs anyway. 1998 was a tough year.

To celebrate our first anniversary we head to DisneyLand and Sea World and while we're there my mom calls with the news my dad has drowned. We fly back immediately. 1999 is even tougher. We buy a house, I'm 19 and Josh is 21. For Valentine's Day Josh buys me a Beagle. And I'm sure it's to pacify my desire for a baby.

Over the course of the next several years, I'm still overweight, a bad wife and bad keeper of my home. We start a lawn mowing business and I decide to lose weight using the Weigh Down Diet. This is successful and I lose 35 lbs.

In June of 2003 Josh quits his job and starts driving a Peterbilt around the Northwest. He's gone 5 days a week. I get my first real job as a barista in an espresso stand in town and make friends with a girl named Keri. She's single with no kids and I think her life is perfect. I've lost all focus on Jesus and my marriage. My life is falling apart around me.

In 2004 I apply at Pier 1 imports even though they "aren't hiring" and am given a job within the week based on my nice handwriting. I fall in love with sales and am actually good at this. I'm promoted to Assistant Manager within a few months. I can now support myself. My husband and I separate and file for divorce. I live on my own for the first time in my life and I've never been more miserable. Josh and I still talk on the phone occasionally. One night we make the decision to make our marriage work. I move in with Lindsey and her husband for a few weeks. Then in with my mother for a couple of weeks. And then back home. I recommit my life to Jesus and my heart to my husband. I quit working at Pier 1.

In 2005 Josh quits driving truck. I learn what it means to be a keeper of the home. My house is clean most days. I cook more than we eat out and the highlight of my life is the day I give birth to the most amazing little girl. We start attending a new church.

Life is going great. My marriage and my little girl are wonderful. I start blogging. I don't have many friends who live near me. That changes in October of 2006 when I get a MySpace account and reconnect with my friend Amber from high school. We become inseparable.  Have acronyms for everything.  Enjoy car rides singing at the top of our lungs.  And I torture her with mushrooms when she comes over for dinner.

Last day of February 2007, Josh and I go out to dinner. We come home and I have the worst stomach pain I've ever had. At 1 in the morning we decide to go to the ER. It's confirmed I have appendicitis. I have an appendectomy and go home the next day. A week later I go in for a follow up and am told that when my appendix was removed so was a malignant tumor. 4 days later I have another surgery removing half my colon and 41 lymphnodes and leaving me with a 6" scar down my belly. The rest of 2007 is great. Amber and I fulfill our lifelong dream of seeing Dirty Dancing on the big screen. We drive 400 miles round trip to watch Johnny get Baby out of the corner. Josh and I hem and haw and decide in July we'll try for another baby. I get pregnant in August.

In April of 2008 our Beagle dies. Our "first born" and we realize how much we loved her in spite of her driving us insane. Exactly one month later in May of 2008 I give birth to another baby girl. And she cries for the next 3.5 years of her life. We'll never hem and haw about having another baby. November of 2008 Amber and I fulfill another dream and see New Kids on the Block in concert 3 hours away from home (and my baby), I use a breast pump that is hooked to jumper cables outside of my van. It's quite memorable and totally worth the embarrassment and any picture she may have taken.

In April of 2009 my husband quits his very steady 7-5 Mon-Fri job and we load up as a family and drive around in a Peterbilt 5 days a week. People think we're nuts but support us anyway. I find creative uses for plastic bags, blog about it and still have friends.

In May of 2009 due to illness in the family, my mom and my sister's three children move into my home.  It's one of the hardest times in all our lives.  In July my best friend and I break up.  I'm devastated.  My mom and the kids move out.  In the fall the girls and I start staying home more than we go in the truck.  Truck life is hard.  Hard.

In February 2010 Josh and I have a talk about his job.  I can't stand him being gone.  He can't stand being away from home.  He's offered a job back at his previous place of employment with an awesome, tailored for him position.  Rock.on.  I'm still best friend-less, now sister-less too.  I'm spiraling into a state of depression and a friend recommends I seek counseling.  It's the best advice I've ever been given.

Through counseling I finally, after 11 years, recognize the need to grieve the loss of my dad.  It's miserable and it's hard and it's the best thing I've ever done.  Counseling taught me that my expectations of myself and those around me are too high.  Changing perspective brought back relationships in my life.  One day in July of 2010 I read a blog post that opens my eyes.  Basically saying if there's anyone you need to say something to, say it.  I immediately email my best friend.  And after over a year of not seeing one another we meet for lunch.  I'm shaking I'm so nervous and excited.  I never want to be without her in my life again.

In September 2010 I begin homeschooling my five year old.  It's awful, we hate it most days.  It's fabulous, we love it most days.  Such a love/hate deal going on.

In November we hem and haw about another baby even though we said we'd never hem and haw about it again.  We pray about it.  Decide to "try" and we fail.  We're both relieved.

In January 2011 after being inspired by my friend Jessica, I decide to get healthy.  Quit complaining about my weight and finally, after six years, do something about it.  I join a gym with Amber.  We go to yoga and then move on to body flow.  I run my first 5K (in 14 yrs) in March.  I start riding my cruiser bike to the gym and find that I love to ride more than I love to run.  In July, Josh and I celebrate our 13th(!) anniversary by doing a 90 mile ride.  After that he informs me it's time to start looking at a new bike.  In August we go on our first family vacation in 5 years and it's hell.  Josh says I never have to camp again.

I get a new bike on August 18th.  I'll never ever forget that day.  I'll never forget that first ride.  It was short.  And sweet.

In October I get hurt.  My ankle is messed up and I'm not allowed to run, bike or go to the gym for several weeks.  My mom announces she's getting married and moves to Vegas.  Just when my ankles starts to heal I find out I have a hernia and have to have surgery in December.

We're half way through January of 2012 and I'm pretty sure that this year is going to rock my world.

All I can say is...I'm ready.

Sometimes the wrong reasons turn into the right reasons um, at least that's what I'm tellin' myself

Tonight I'm going to a bible study.

It's been a long time.

A real long time.

The last time I went to bible study we had to go around the room and answer why we were there.

I replied (out loud) that I was there for the two hours of free child care.

Hey, I was in church.  I was skerd that if I lied I might be put on a zip line to hell or something.

So I told the truth.

But in the end I was so glad that I went all those weeks and got out of my comfort zone.  I'm doing the same thing tonight.  Getting out of my comfort zone and hanging out with a bunch of women I don't know.  (many that I do, thank goodness)

I know I need this.  I know it will be good for me.

And tonight if we have to go around the room and answer why we're there.  I'll be honest.  I'm there to see Candee and Chelsea and Alesha and any of my other friends who are there tonight.  I'm going because then I don't have to be doing the dishes.  Or laundry.  Or whatever else.

And when the class is over, I know I'll be glad I went for the wrong reasons.

So I'm a little pissy in this post. What of it?

I think goals are fantastic.

I just don't usually reach them.

Like.  Ever.

I should start making goals like:

Get out of bed late without enough time to make Josh breakfast.

Be grumpy with children.

Forget to thaw chicken for tonight's dinner.

Forget to send birthday cards.

Stuff like that.

Because those are things I can do.  I'm really good at sucking at stuff.

Oh, like this one thing that we just found out I suck at.  Ordering stuff online.

Like cabinets.

You need someone to screw up an order?  Mess up a big ticket item?

Pick me.

Choose me.

Love me.

{that's a line from Grey's Anatomy}

Anyway.  I'm your go-to chick if you need a screw up.  So maybe I ordered 30" cabinets where I was supposed to order 36" cabinets.  And maybe, just maybe my husband has already laid the tile out as if I ordered 36" cabinets.

Ugh.

Or! Or! Do you need a wife who is ungrateful to you for the work you did on her car out in the cold and on your lunch break?

You do?!

Hey, my husband has one of those kinda wives and I am JUST SURE he'd love for you to take her off his hands.

Or maybe you need someone to do all your laundry?  I can do that!  Oh, you wanted it folded and put away?  Uh, yeah.  Too bad I suck at that too.  If you want "clean" clothes with a little bit of cat or dog hair and a whole lot wrinkles in 'em, now that I can provide.

Need a 1st grade math teacher?  No?  Oh, good.  Because apparently I'm not that person.  You see, last Thursday night I tried to do some math with my very own first grader and that resulted in me sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked and crying for about 33 minutes.  But who's counting? (obviously we aren't counting or I wouldn't have been on the bathroom floor.)

So.  I'm glad you don't need a first grade math teacher.

I've wanted to set some goals.  And I have a little.  It just boils down to I just want to be a different person.

A less sucky person.

Wired for Regret...no more

The other night Josh and I were talking about how I roll.

Always living in the past.  Always wishing I'd done something better.  Something different.  Always regretting choices and decisions I've made.

It's tiring.

Exhausting, really.

Josh said, "You're just wired for regret, Sarah."

wham!


Wired for regret?

Why yes, yes I am.

I realized that I'm really freaking tired of it too.  I'm tired of beating myself up for past mistakes.  I'm tired of dwelling on every negative thing I've ever said or done.

I have a few goals for 2012, but the main one is to not live "wired for regret."

2011 was an awesome year for me.

Sure there was sucky stuff, too.  I made my share of mistakes.

But I'm not going to regret them.  I'm just not.  I lived my life in 2011.  I'm going to grow from the positive and negative choices I made last year.

I'm going to make bad choices again this year.  It's inevitable.  But I'm not going to beat myself up over them anymore.  I'm just going to continue to grow through them.

Looking forward to this year.  To 2012 and all that's in store.

I love my birthday most, but I love my friends' birthdays, too.

I've known you for 17 of your 31 birthdays!

I love that.

Mostly, I love you.

Happy Birthday, Candee.

You say Potato, I say Potahto. You say foolish, I say I needed it.

I had my hernia surgery 12 days ago.

Yesterday, at day 11, I went for a bike ride.

And I did the really foolish thing and posted it to Facebook.  I think my posting that to Facebook was more foolish than the ride itself.

Yeesh.

Sunday night, Christmas, I was in so much pain.  From laughter.  I was laughing harder than I've laughed in a long time.  Long time.  I never realized how much of your stomach you use to laugh til that night.  I was crying from laughter but also from the pain it was causing.  My BIL was killing me.  At least it felt that way.  The laughter felt great but my insides...oh my insides.

The next day Megan and I were to do the crazy shop after Christmas deal.  The way I was feeling Sunday when they left I wasn't sure I was going to be up for it.  But, I took a coupla Tylenol PMs and got a good 5 hours of sleep.  (stupid Hunger Games book kept me reading til early morning) And I felt amazing.  We shopped all day, walking all over the place and I couldn't believe how I felt.  Almost like new.  I told Josh I wanted to go for a bike ride the next day on his lunch break.  He checked my bike over, aired my tires.

Tuesday I woke up and felt awesome again.  He called me around 11 asking if I was still in the mood for my ride.  It was warm outside, and even though I'd been doing some housework, my tummy and back felt fine.

I told him I was going to go for the ride.

In my head I had planned about a 15 mile ride.  I figured that'd be about as far as I could go in the amount of time I had.  Normally 15 miles wouldn't take me an hour but it's been a month since I've ridden and I was 11 days post-surgery.  I thought it was a good plan.

I always start out too fast.  Always.

Yesterday was no different.  I was cruising my road at 18 mph, feeling great.  And then I hit a wall just a couple miles in.  I turned back much sooner than I planned.  I could tell my body wasn't too thrilled with me.  While I felt great in my legs, arms and chest, my stomach was hurting.

At 5.5 miles and just one mile from home I very nearly called Josh to come get me.  But I knew I had another mile left in me.  I was in a lot of pain when I walked in the door.  Josh had to take my shoes off me because I couldn't bend over to do it.  He helped me out of my jersey and got me a glass of water with some Ibuprofen.

I rested for a couple of hours and then resumed my daily household activities of dinner, dishes, family.

While a bike ride 11 days post-surgery may seem foolish, it was what I needed.  I needed that fresh air.  I needed to prove to myself that I'm still strong enough to get on my bike, that I'm not going to let these random, freakish, ridiculous ailments get me down.  Not only physically but emotionally.

I'm tired of sitting.  Tired of being waited on.  That's not how I roll.

I wondered how I'd feel today, if I'd be regretting what I did.  I don't.  Not even a little.  I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, renewed.  I won't get on my bike today.

But soon.  Very, very soon.

Nose Sting

{You know, when you're about to cry but don't wanna and your eyes well up and your nose burns?}  Yeah.  Nose Sting.

Spice came down the stairs yesterday morning in tears.  When I asked her why she was crying, her response broke my heart.

"I miss *sob* Maugiieee."

Maugie is my mom.

The crying stopped as soon as I asked if she wanted to call her.  Her eyes lit up and she sniffed but smiled the smile only Spice can give.

She and my mom talked for a bit and that was enough to calm my sweet babe.

Later in the day my mom sent a text saying the box I'd sent her had made it.  Inside was a gift I'd left unwrapped. Something I knew she'd love more than anything else she'll open in that box.

A little wooden thing I got from Hobby Lobby that has Snoopy and Charlie Brown on it.  My mom, she loves Peanuts.  As soon as I saw it, I knew I'd have Sugar color it for my mom.

My mom loved it, of course.

I knew that she would.

Her text was full of emotion.

And I steeled myself not to cry.

But that nose sting was there.

In my busying of "stuff to get done before my surgery" I had it in my head that I needed to get our spare room ready for my mom to come stay for Christmas Eve as she has the last coupla years.  I was thinking of ways to make the room special for her.  Thinking about what dishes I was going to make that I'd need to make sure I kept the onions out of.  I was thinking about how I'd be neglected during any conversation because her and Josh talk so much.  And that we needed to bring the rocking chair downstairs so she had a place to rock.  Because my mom, she needs to have a chair that rocks.

And then as quickly as all those thoughts ran through my head I realized something that hurt my heart and made my nose sting again.

She won't be here for Christmas this year.

But yesterday it dawned on me.  It's not just hard on me.  Or just hard on my kids.

It's hard on her, too.


I'm going to miss her something fierce tomorrow night when we're opening up our jammies around the tree with Christmas music playing softly in the background.  Kids exhausted but wild with excitement.

But I know she'll be missing us.

I bet it makes her nose sting just a little too.

No Title...'cause what can you title something like this?

Yesterday I tweeted that I wanted to scream, punch and kick at God.  And then I quickly deleted it.

I mean, am I allowed to say that?

I kinda don't care if I'm allowed to say that or not.

It's how I feel.

I've started to write some ugly words.  And I've backspaced them all.

Praying is the last thing I feel like doing.  But I'll do it.  I'm asking you to do the same.  If you're so inclined.

The words of my friend, Laura:

Josiah Courage Sims

Traditions

December 21st: Traditions
What are your traditions of Christmas?  Is there any one thing that spans generations or your family or just in your life?

"It's tradition!"  {name that movie}

{my sisters will}

There aren't any traditions from childhood that I've kept going with my children.  Mostly because I'm horrible at keeping with stuff like that.  My friend, Kristie, she rocks making traditions with her sweet family.

Two years ago I did start a simple tradition that I'll be able to keep going and that is to buy my girls matching jammies that they open on Christmas Eve.

I do this so that pictures on Christmas morning are of them looking cute, instead of just in their undies and/or diaper or with them in a white trashy t-shirt dirtied from yesterday's breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I know they won't always love having matching jammies and when they don't, I'll just get them coordinating ones.

I also get Josh jammie pants.

Last year my kids and my sister's kids went to my mom's to decorate Christmas cookies.  I was hoping that would start to be a tradition but the jackwagon (my mom) moved to Vegas.

What?

Bitter still?

Only slightly.

I'll get over it.

(I first wrote that sentence, "I'll get it over."  And I wonder why I shouldn't mix wine with Percocet.)

This year my sister, BIL and niece and nephew will come over in the early evening to open gifts.  My mom sent gifts to us and I was going to give them to Megan to have at her house but I knew she'd open them so I kept them.  She'll hafta wait til Christmas.

I'd love for that to be a new tradition.

Mostly, on Christmas, I just want to not have to leave my house.  I want as many people that want to come over - come over.  But there's so much hustle and bustle in the days leading up, I just want to be in my own home, with my snuggly babes and their new presents and my sweet little Percocet.

I wanna love it and hug it and call it George.

A prompt about lists? {swoon}

December 20th:  Lists
Do you make lists? Do you like to cross them off physically or do you put them in your iPhone or Blackberry?  Do they work?


Do I make lists?  bahahahaha.

Of course I make lists.  I make lists to make lists.

Here's how making a grocery list goes at my house:

Throughout the week I scratch down on a piece of paper things that I need.

On shopping day I look at that list and rewrite it plus add more to it.

Then I rewrite that list again.

And lastly I rewrite it again but in order of the layout of whatever store I'm shopping at.  If my final draft has one screw up or one item placed in the wrong spot, I will rewrite it.

Ask my husband.

Or my sister.  I was late to her house a couple of weeks ago for our shopping trip because I needed to make a final draft of my list.

The only list I have going right now is actually on my phone.  Which is odd.  I rarely do that.  The times I do are usually to remember the name of an author or a book.  Or a license plate (but I can usually just memorize those).  Or funny quotes from Amber or my sister.

My list right now is our Christmas day menu:

Breakfast:
Mini Pecan Rolls
Sausage crescent roll casserole
Mimosas

Snacks throughout the day:
Baked Brie bites
Bacon wrapped pineapple bites
Christmas mojitos
Cheese and crackers
Peanut butter ball {possibly}

Dinner:
Prime rib
Potatoes gratin w/Gruyere
Roasted Brussels sprouts
Roasted peppers w/mozzarella and red onion salad.
Red wine - have to decide what to buy

My next list needs to be the grocery list for the ingredients for everything.  I can't fathom the idea of walking around the grocery store right now (did I mention I brought home my catheter) so we may end eating out of our freezer.  Which, thankfully is stocked.

Frustration

December 19th:  Frustration
What was one of the biggest frustrations you had this year?  What will you do to deal with it in 2012?  Or, will you even have to? 
Definitely my ankle saga.  I was at the peak of my fitness when I hurt my ankle and wasn't able to ride my bike for 5 weeks.  I could barely walk.  I missed a few weeks of yoga.  I was pissed.  I cried more out of frustration than pain, even though there was a lot of that.

I was frustrated that I had been busting my ass for months and then all I could do was sit on it.

It's better now.  Not completely.  I'm not sure if I can run yet.  I try jogging to my mailbox every once in awhile.  Then it aches for the rest of the day.  Every once in awhile I'll move wrong and I'll cry out in pain.  It's embarrassing.

The next frustrating thing...just as my ankle is healing and I can get back to working out, I find out I have a hernia along my incision from my cancer/colon surgery.

I haven't gotten my thank you cards out to those who helped out during that the ankle deal by bringing meals or taking my kids or cleaning my house and now this.

So, Friday as in 3 days ago I had surgery to put in a piece of mesh and repair it.  My surgeon (same one who did my appendectomy and hemi colectomy) said that it'd be three, maybe four incisions and I'd most likely be in and out the same day.

Awesome.  I can do that, no prob.

Well, my 3 incisions turned into 9.  My in and out procedure turned into an overnight stay.

I'm pissed.  It's a week before Christmas and I can hardly move.  I can hardly get off my couch to walk.  I'm not allowed to work out for several weeks.  I can't pick up my kids.  I can't cook or clean for them.  It may sound like a vacation but when you can't do the things you're so used to doing, you realize just how much you enjoy doing those things.

I even tried to clean the toilet today but couldn't bend down.  I wasn't supposed to try but I noticed it was dirty and wanted to make it not dirty.  Then I tried to wrap presents and that was the dumbest thing I did for the month.

It's a weird feeling to feel like you can't even walk.  I have to hold my belly.  The staples freak me out.  I'm afraid they're going to catch on something.

I handle pain well. I go nearly twice as long between pain meds than I'm supposed to.  What I don't handle well is immobility.  I don't handle being out of control of my household well.  It makes me mad.

Also I've not been allowed to eat.  I'm a girl who likes to eat.  A lot.  Add that to my list of frustrations.

My list of IOUs for my friends is looong.  Here's a public thank you to those who brought meals last time, this time.  Who cleaned my house last time or took my babes.  And who've done that this time.  I truly do not deserve friends and family like you.  But I'm so grateful for you.  You'll have your thank you card.  I promise. I just suck at getting them in the mailbox.

Okay, I'm done venting about my stupid ailments.  I know I could have it so much worse.

Prompt catch up

December 16th: Volunteer
Did you volunteer anywhere this year?  Did you learn something in the process?  Would you volunteer in 2012?


I can only think of the time we spend in the nursery at church.  Every other month or so we have the entire month in the nursery.  I've learned that no one wants to work in the nursery.  One of the reasons we're in there every other month instead of every third month.  Not many volunteer for the babies.  It's understandable.  Babies cry.  When one starts, the other 4, 5, 6, or 7 follow suit.  Almost all the babies have a thing for Josh.  One baby only wanted him.  Some of them we just want to take home with us, they're so fantastic.

We'll volunteer in 2012 even though I'd rather not.  I know, that sounds terrible but we've been in the nursery for the last 6.5 years.  I'm kinda ready to do something else at church.  Preach maybe?  Kidding.

December 17th:  Ordinary Joy
How have you experienced ordinary joy this year?


Teaching.  This school year has been going pretty well.  I find joy in watching Sugar learn.  And Spice is learning right along with her.

Clean laundry basket.  I've done so much better with my laundry duties this year.  I find joy in an empty laundry basket.

Cooking.  I love, love, love to be in my kitchen.

My bike.  She makes my heart happy.

Any moment spent with Amber is full of joy.  We can just be sitting on the couch, not even talking to each other, staring at our phones or the tv and I just enjoy being with her.  Being able to sit in comfortable silence with someone is a big deal.

December 18th:  Time
Did time move quickly or slow for you this year?  Was there ever a moment where you felt you blinked and the year was half over?  


This year flew.  I know that it can't go any faster or slower than the 24/7/365 but it just seemed to go so quickly.  We were busy.  The gym.  House projects.  Travels.  Just life in general.  It's been good.

Whew.  Caught up.

Stuff I like

December 15th: Things
Many people believe that things are not important, so whether things or something more grand, what are three most important things in your life right now?


Sweet. An excuse to actually list materialistic crap without feeling guilt for it.

Three important things in my life right now, in random order:

My rig.  I have a 2003 Dodge Grand Caravan.  She has heated seats.  Cup holders.  And the reliability factor.  I like to drive and I do a lot of it so I'm thankful for my van.  Yeah, she's a "mom" rig and that totally loses the fun-ness that I love in a vehicle (oh, the days of my sporty looking red Lancer) but I love that I have room for 6 passengers or that I can pull the seats out and have room for a ton of groceries, tile flooring or my yoga mat..

Yep, love my van.

My gym membership.  I know I could have gotten in shape and lost weight without it but it was definitely a great motivator for me.  I haven't made any friends there, really.  I try to.  But Amber is the only one there who thinks (knows) I'm funny.  I think the guys there just think (know) I'm a total moron.  I smile.  I wave.  I say hello.  They'll have none of it.  Their loss, man.  Their loss.

I'm thankful Josh works with the owner of the gym and I get a sweet discount.  I'm thankful for the instructors that have helped me get to the healthiest place in my life that I've ever been.  I'm thankful for their patience with Amber and me and our ridiculous inappropriateness that we try so hard to keep to ourselves but often fail at.

Lastly, and this is probably the most materialistic of all.  My cell phone.  I keep in touch with my friends, my family, Twitter, Facebook with that thing.  The ability to text with my friends and family is hugely important to me.  I've been without a cell phone, I know it's possible to be.  I just don't want to ever be again. :)

And you?  What are your three important material things?

{notice how I didn't list my bike?  she's not a material possession to me.  she's my love.}

A real job...I gots one.

December 14:  Jobs
Did you change jobs in 2011?  What did you do?  Did you change careers?  If you didn't, did you do something that made you proud in your work?  Do you plan to make a change in 2012?


I suppose you could say I went from being a Kindergarten teacher to a first grade teacher.  I know that seems lame since I'm not an actual certified teacher or anything but this school year has been a pretty big deal around here.

Probably because we're actually schooling.  :)

Last year was mostly me just banging my head against a wall and keeping myself from gouging out my wrists with spoons.

This year we're learning.  We're playing.  We're reading.  Adding, subtracting.  And laughing at Spice all along the way.  Oh the joy and disruption that three year old makes to our days.

Back in April (I think) there was a tweet from a restaurant that was changing locations.  They were hiring.  They wanted a resume.  They wanted you to come dressed for an interview.  It took everything I had to not go and apply for a job.  My friend, Megan worked there, enjoyed her job and got out of the house a few hours a week.  It sounded fantastic.  But at that point I was 6.5 yrs from having had a "real" job.  I haven't worked outside the home since late 2004.  My resume would have been a joke.  My interview attire would have been spandex.  And I probably wouldn't have been able to find the front door.

(remember, I have issues with those)

Obviously I didn't go.

Which turned out to be a good thing because they just closed up shop a few weeks ago.

I can imagine doing other jobs besides the one I'm doing now.  I'm not going to lie.  I loved my days at Pier 1.  I loved my days as a barista.  If I could have any job right now it'd probably be coffee.  I absolutely love making coffee and serving coffee.  It makes people happy.  I like to make people happy.

The only change I plan to make in 2012 is to give myself credit for the job I actually have, whether I'm given a paycheck or not.  I'm a teacher.  I'm a mama.  I'm a wife.

These are my jobs and I'm blessed to have them.

Splurge

December 13th:  Splurge
Did you splurge on something this year?  Did the troubled economy prompt you to hold back or did you just give it all for something?
In May I bought a pair of running shoes.  I felt like the hundred dollars I spent was splurging but it was the best thing I did for my shins.  Then, in August I bought my bike and that was spending a whole lot more.  Buying that bike gave me something I didn't know I had in me.

Passion.

I have things I enjoy.  I enjoy reading or writing.  I enjoy eating and cooking.  I enjoy running or yoga.

But cycling?

I don't have the vocabulary to adequately say how I feel when I'm on my bike.  Had I read a post like this a  year ago I would have thought the writer to be an idiot.  Who would be so crazy about bike riding that they'd call it a passion?!

But now I'm that crazy person.

There's a freedom on my bike like I've not experienced before it.  When I'm on my bike (I've named her Tennessee btw) it's like that feeling you got when you first rode on two wheels at age 5 or 6.  That first sense of freedom is how I feel every time I clip into my pedals.

So yeah, I've splurged well over a thousand dollars on sporting goods this year but I wouldn't return either item.  And usually when I fork out a chunk of change I immediately have buyer's remorse.  Not this time (even though I see my bike is on sale now).

Then a couple of weeks ago we bought new flooring and new kitchen cabinets.  Huge expense.  But one that will increase the value of our house and will also just make our house better all around.

I keep checking the status of those freaking cupboards, I'm so excited!  It's going to be a huge job when they get here (they aren't finished) but it will so be worth it in the end.

Hopping on the Resonating Reflections Train

Since I've been a sucky blogger lately I've taken cue from Wendy and decided to use prompts from Resonate 11.  Whatever that is.

Basically I'll get a prompt per day that will help me decide what to write about.  I'm excited for it since I've been in a writing funk.

I'm several days behind so this is going to be a really long post to get myself caught up.  There will be a quiz at the end so you should read all the way through.  Okay, no quiz at the end but I hope you're not completely bored outta yer mind.

December 1:  Memory
What's the first thing you remember about 2011?  What stands out in your head?
The first thing I remember of the year is offering Papa John's delivery to a friend.  I know, random.

Besides that though would have to be choosing to take my physical health seriously.  When I decided to join the gym I had no idea what I'd be doing for myself.  For once I actually took my decision seriously.  I made a decision to get healthy, to lose weight, to run a 5K.  Soon I was addicted to my bicycle and yoga.  And in the process lost 33 lbs.  I feel so much better.  So. Much. Better.

December 2:  Make
This is a two pronged prompt!  What did you enjoy making this year? Did you "make the Dean's list"?  Or maybe you made a really good wine, or maybe you made some furniture.  And, what do you look forward to making during the holidays?  Cookies?  Homemade gifts?
Hmm.  I'm not much for making anything except a fool of myself.  I'm amazing at that.  And I didn't make the Dean's list but my sister, Erica, did!  Man, I'm trying to think of what I've made and I don't think there's anything worth noting.  I made some good decisions.  I made some poor decisions.  I'm learning from both.  And what do I look forward to making during the holidays?  Nothing.  I enjoy consuming what others have made.  So, get to baking, please.  I'm hungry.

December 3:  Book
What was your favorite book you read this year?  Was it for school or work?  Or, was it for fun?  And how did you read it?  On your Nook or your Kindle?  Or, do you still enjoy reading on an actual, physical book?  Why did you like it?
Um.  I know I've read something.  A lot of somethings.  I'm just terrible with remembering what I've read.  I think right now the book I'm loving most is Sugar's History book.  I'm learning right along with her and it's absolutely fabulous.  I've read some Nicholas Sparks book too.  I know, fluff.  I just finished The Other Boleyn Girl which is a fiction account of Anne Boleyn.  It was long but good.  Also, I'm an actual book holder.  Props to all you with your Nooks and Kindles but I'm okay with cutting and killing trees.  Give me paper and pages.  Give me the experience.  Not the technological device.

December 4: Miracle
Do you feel you experienced or witnessed miracle this year?  How so?
I ran a 5K, to me that was a miracle.  Sitting on my arse for several years and being in terrible shape, it was a big deal to me to run that.  Also, riding my bike 90 miles in 7 hours was pretty good too.  Did I ever blog about that?  I'm not seeing a post about it in my archives.  Anyway, that seemed miraculous to me that I didn't die or kill my husband in the process.  We did the ride for our 13th anniversary (my idea) and it was amazing and excruciating and I can't wait to do it again on my new bike.


December 5: Songs
By now many radio stations are playing Christmas and other holiday songs.  What is one of your favorite holiday songs?
Mary Did You Know and Baby, It's Cold Outside

December 6: People
Who did you meet in 2011?  Who do you want to meet in 2012?
I met seven of my Twitter friends.  They all live about 45 minutes from me and ended up meeting them for a Scentsy party, a bowling night and a karaoke night.  So much fun to read their tweets, learn a little about them in 140 characters or less and then hang out with them in person.  Good, good people.  Freaking funny, too.  Even Curtis.  :)
Who do I want to meet in 2012?  More Twitter friends.  More bloggy friends.

December 7:  Quit
Did you quit something this year?
I quit biting my fingernails for four months and then I had a minor (but what felt like a major) catastrophe happen and I started back up.  I need to get back to quitting that.  I loved my hands and that's a first.  I've always, always hated my hands.

December 8:  Goodbye
Did you have to say goodbye to someone in 2011?  Did they move away or did you lose them unexpectedly?  How did you react?  What would you say to them now if they could hear you or read your message?
My mom moved away.  Unexpectedly.  I suppose I reacted well outwardly.  Inwardly I was a wreck.  Well, and my tweets probably reflected my negative feelings toward it too.  It's hard to feel parent-less.  Honestly, I felt a sense of abandonment.  I know that seems lame and like I should grow up but I am lame and I don't feel like being a grown up.  If my mom could read my words and I know she will:  *waving* Hi, Ma.  Can't wait to see you next month!  I promise to say goodbye when you have to leave this time instead of being a jackwagon and just walking out the door like last time.

December 9: Travel
Where did you travel in 2011?  Who did you travel with?  What did you learn while you were there?  Where do you hope to visit in 2012?
We went on the family vacation from hell.  I traveled with my small family and our idiot Beagle.  I learned that I do not like to camp and I'm sorry that I'm such a wuss but seriously, I just don't like it.  And my husband has agreed I don't ever have to go again but he'll continue to take our kids.  Next summer I will have weekends of mini vacations and I've told myself that I will not feel bad about it.  I'm a good mom and wife in other areas (not sure what they are but there has to be something) so if I don't camp with them it's not the end of the world.  Where do I hope to visit in 2012?  Hmm.  I'm hoping for a grand vacation.  Like a real one where I have to go on a plane.  I'd love to go to San Diego to visit Melissa.  There's a bike ride in Utah that Josh and I want to go on, so we're getting that planned.  Amazingly, we already have people who have offered to keep our kids so we can go.  I'd also love to go to Mexico this year.

December 10th:  Television
Which television shows, series, program or otherwise did you discover this year?  What resonated with you?  Did you finally start watching "Modern Family"?  Or, maybe you followed Oprah to her new network?  Whatever it is you stumbled across, tell us about it.
You all know we aren't big television watchers around these parts but we do have two shows we watch regularly now.  2 Broke Girls and Parenthood.

Seriously, 2 Broke Girls KILLS ME.  It's hilarious.  Josh and I sit and laugh so hard.  Sometimes I have tears running down my face.  And I'll randomly tweet the one-liners so as not to forget them.  So freaking funny.

Parenthood.  It makes me laugh and cry.  They put the fun in dysfunction.  A family that is madly in love with each other...I love it.  Thankful for that recommendation.

December 11: Without
What can you do without in 2012?  What did you feel was holding you down this year?  Was it a job?  A relationship?  Or, could it be something really simple - like an outfit that just went out of style.
I want to skip this question so badly.  So I'm going to.

December 12:  Fear
What were you afraid of in 2011?  How did you let fear control you?  What will you do to confront it in 2012?
I was afraid of failing the gym deal.  Josh didn't even think I'd stick with it.  I did, though.  So, I guess I didn't let fear control me.  For once I worked through it.  I have other stuff to confront in 2012 but I'll deal with that when 2012 gets here.

Okay.  I'm caught up.  Yay me.

Obligatory Post

I've gotten emails and texts about my lack of blogging.

I suppose it's not very nice to leave a post up about my dead dad and the dumb missing him for weeks on end, huh?

So.

Here's a new post.  But I've really got nothing to say at the moment.

Other than there was a spider crawling on my bed near my leg a few minutes ago and I nearly used my laptop to smash him.

Instead he got the slipper.

One other thing, the Christmas tree is going up tonight.  I know.  A Christmas miracle.  The lady at the lot says, "isn't it a little early for you, hon?"  She knows I hate the thing.  How she remembers is beyond me.  Anyway.  Tree is going up tonight.

Sanity is going down.