Thursday Random

i'm finally finding the decorating me.  no.  i cannot decorate.  but i'm finding, finally, what i like.  and it's a lot of color and maybe a lot of color that doesn't necessarily go together and i'm sure anyone who comes over after i've finished doing what i want to do to the place will think i've lost any marbles i may have had.

i have zero sense of style.  zero.  i don't know how to put anything together.  i'm always asking my friend Melissa if i can put such and such together.  thank God she can put stuff together.

we did not keep up with school throughout the summer the way i intended.  this doesn't bother me in the slightest.  it did.  now it does not.  i ordered books yesterday for Spice who just turned four in may.  she'll start some kindergarten work, not because i'm pushing (i learned with my first one, don't push - wait for your kid to show interest) but because the kid loves to sit and write and i think it will be fabulous for her.  we'll be starting with Get Ready for the Code, Book A.  for Sugar, we'll finish up last year's books and move on to this year's books.  i asked Josh if he was concerned that we hadn't finished last year's.  "nope."  talked with another homeschool mom friend of mine who has kids older than mine and she tells me they've never finished a book.  oh the relief to know life doesn't end if a book isn't finished.

i'm thinking school will start on Sept. 10.

i read on Pinterest the other day that putting eucalyptus oil (or Vick's) on the bottom of your feet stops coughing.  Spice came home from Mt. Rainier with a cold and i rubbed it into her feet before bed, put socks on her, and she slept through the night without a cough.  sweet deal!

i rushed my cat to the vet the other day because his cheek was swollen and his eye was watery.  my kids can be puking, fevery, rashy, and i don't take them in.  but Clifford?!  it's just nothing ever happens to Cliff.  Cliff happens to everything else.  he's fine.  they shaved part of his face, he just stood there.  they gave him a shot, he just stood there.  never has there been a more laid back cat.  i love that dude.

til 4 am when he's standing on my chest meowing in my face because he wants out.

watched where the red fern grows the other night.

the end of the movie, the mama said, "i guess God doesn't want families separated."

no.  no, He doesn't.

sometimes that's in our control.  sometimes we can choose our family to be whole and we opt not to.

and other times it is out of our control and all we can do is rest assured God's got us covered.

i've seen both lately.  both hurt my heart.

there was a hailstorm here recently, i dunno a few weeks ago or so.  just got the quote back for the damage on my van.  4 grand!  crazy, huh?  we have a $500 deductible and i don't really feel like shelling that money out to have the van fixed.  it's not a big deal to me.  i don't know why i even took it in in the first place.

speaking of my van, i took that bad girl apart the other day.  i took my seats out and you know those little runners where all the fishy crackers and McDonald's fries go to live forever?  i took those runners off and i vacuumed and i vacuumed some more.  she looks new again.  i have to mix it up with my van.  make her feel new so i don't wanna go out and buy a new rig.  it's so hard.  i love me a new car.  we have no debt.  no car payments.  no credit cards.  a ridiculously low mortgage payment.  we could afford a new car.  well, we could afford PAYMENTS on a new car.  but it's not gonna happen.  we've agreed to never put ourselves in that position again.  the next "new" car i get will be used and paid for with cash.  like 20 years from now.

today is thursday and that means yoga and Bern's.

and yoga and Bern's makes my heart happy.

oh.  and my mom is moving back from Vegas.  so there's that.

Make the Call

Today I had to do something so out of my comfort zone.

I had to make a phone call and apologize to a friend.

Texting and emailing just don't cut it when you need to say you're sorry.  Those methods are so much easier, though.  You don't have to hear the person's hurt/disappointed voice, you don't have to stumble over your words, you can backspace all you want until you get it just perfect.

But a phone call takes guts.

Guts I don't have.

Didn't have.

I called my friend and she wasn't thrilled with me.  But I apologized.  She listened.  And thanked me for calling.

It's the hardest thing I've done in awhile, but let me tell ya, it felt good to do the right thing for once.

So, this is me, encouraging you.  Maybe you have your own tough phone call to make.  Just do it.  Sitting around stewing about it doesn't get you anywhere.  You can do it.

You'll be glad you did.

A post about Kit

My friend Chelsea is one of my favorite people.  When I need someone to tell me what I need to hear in my homeschoolishness, I call her.  She's not a sugar-coater.  She's all sorts of fabulous in a lot of ways BUT this post is not about her.

It's about her husband. Who I think is pretty great too.

I'm not sure if I've ever shared how Kit and I met for the first time but it might have been that he was shirtless and wearing his wife's slippers and opening a gate for me so I could enter their driveway.

And I may have made some fun of him and his little slippers.  And then introduced myself after that.

Nice start to any friendship, I think.

One of the things I like about Kit is that he and Josh get along super.  The last time we were over there he and Josh had a coupla beers, talked cars and at one point I think I saw the two of them skipping, hand in hand to the shop to look at Kit's truck.  It was a special moment.  (hi, Kit!) (you're welcome!)

Another thing I like about Kit?  He and I can flip each other sh er, crap and it's all good.  Offense taken?  None.  Ever.  And that's why I love that after reading my post about my Mexican head vintage find I get an email from Chelsea with a quote from Kit:

"Whenever I go into second hand stores I always wonder who buys this shit...now I know."

Now I can't wait to invite them over for dinner.  And put Pedro on the table right next to Kit's spot.  They're gonna get along GREAT.

The vintage find that has changed my life

We try to make it to Portland a few times a year to watch my niece's in their sporting events and then once during the summer for our annual trip to the beach with their family.

Last weekend was the weekend for our beach trip.

We got there Friday evening and since we planned on going to the beach Sunday, we had time to hang out and do some shopping beforehand.

One of the perks of Josh's sister having kids quite a bit older than ours is that they can babysit ours now while the four of us double date!  It's a treat for us since we don't get to hang out with them very often.

I wish I knew what was making us cheese this picture so badly, but I can't remember.

So Friday night was good and fun, I can't say enough how much we wish we lived nearer to them.  I told Treena her house is the only house where I sleep just as well as I do at my own house.  I also get into the fridge as comfortably at their place as I do my own. :)

And while Friday was great, Saturday was just around the corner and oh boy.

OH BOY.

I can hardly contain my excitement.

Treena said she had a couple of places to take us that she figured we would like.

LIKE?

How about LOVE?!

We went into a rebuilding store where people can donate household items and you can get them fairly inexpensive.  I was in heaven.  There was the fabulous board, I'd guess about 18" long, inch thick, and was covered in several coats of paint.  I loved it.  I wanted it.  Just to hang in my living room.  Husband put the smack down and said no.  That we have plenty of our random pieces of board covered in several coats of paint.  But that even though we have them, I can't hang them on the wall.

Pfft.

this was just outside the rebuilding store

The next place we went to was House of Vintage.

There just aren't words.  Okay, there are several.  Just none that can do the place and my love for it justice.

Oh my.

It's full of amazingness.

I kept touching things and loving on things and telling Josh I needed things.  Sadly we didn't have our truck and flatbed or I would have gone home with new (to me) furniture.

There was one thing though that I didn't need a trailer to haul.  One thing I needed.

Yes, needed.

I saw it and knew I had to have it.  And just like that piece of wood at the rebuilding store, Josh told me no.  Like, a very adamant, you cannot have this item no.

Silly Joshy.  He shouldn't have used his No Card so early in the day.

I walked away and looked all over the store without said item in my hands but I knew I was going back for it.  There was no way I was leaving that store without him it.  Josh and I separated at some point while walking around and then he made a phone call and while he was busy doing that, I made a beeline back to my soon to be prized possession.

And once the transaction was complete, what could he do?  Why absolutely nothing.

Except take my picture with it.

Oh yes.  That's my purchase.  That's my new love.  That's what I was not leaving the store without.

I know he looks like he's worth hundreds of dollars.  But ladies and jellybeans, I got him for the steal of a mere 18 bucks.

Josh just shook his head.  "I feel like I don't even know you."  How could he not know my love for something like this??

I posted his picture to Facebook.  People think I'm crazy.  "Where are you going to put him?!"

Oh I knew as soon as I saw him where he would go.  I had the perfect spot in mind.

In my living room on my end table.  Duh.

Tell me he doesn't fit perfectly?  See.  You can't.  Because he SO does!

I feel like my life is complete now.

Smoothie Recipe

I know I need to blog.

But I'm busy.

Don't ask with what, I don't want to try and make something up.

I'm not usually one who passes on recipes here on my blog,

but I'm a huge fan of super easy breakfasts because I hate making breakfast.

(because I don't usually eat it)

This recipe is quick, easy and healthy.

I know, healthy?  Me?  I'm surprised by myself, too.

I'm really bad about sharing recipes because I don't measure anything, I just throw stuff in and call it good.

This recipe is no different.

Here are the ingredients:

Roasted flaxseed peanut butter

(you could just use regular PB and throw in some flaxseeds)

Some honey

(maybe a Tbsp or so)

1 or 2 frozen, sliced bananas

Some almond milk

Put all of this in your blender and, well...blend.  And make sure to get all the banana chunks.

*shudder*

The girls and I have had this for breakfast the last two mornings.  

Super tasty, filling, and healthy!

This one is for their future therapists

I've never claimed to be a good mom.  Honestly because I don't really think I am.

I'm short-tempered.  I yell.  I don't play make believe very well.  Or at all.  And even with a name like Sarah Lee, I very rarely bake.  Unless it's brownies out of a box.  Then I bake those.

Or at least eat the batter.

Okay, anyway.

So I may not be a good mom but I'm a fun(ish) mom.

Driving by a park but don't wanna play for very long?  That's me.  My solution?  Pull up to said park and yell,
"seatbelts off! hurry! hurry!  jump outta the van, go down the slide twice, jump on the swings, do a round on the merry-go-round then run! run! back to the van!"

And they scramble.

And I don't have to get out.

And they think this is great fun.

It boils down to me being a strange mom I suppose.  Though they don't know it yet.  They don't know that most moms actually get out of the rig and push the babes on the swings and push em on the merry-go-round. They don't know that most moms don't roll down the window to bark at strangers on the sidewalk.  Or wear orange sunglasses.

Or wear prom dresses to the grocery store. Wait, whaaat?



Well this one does.  This mom will buy a prom dress 15 years after she's too old for prom, and wear it to the grocery store.

Just because.

Like I do.  Did.  Yesterday.

After all this time of people knowing me or being my friend on FB they wanted proof I'd actually go to the store like this.  So I asked Sugar to take my picture and seven year olds, if you didn't know, ROCK at taking pictures.

Of headless people.

I assure you.  That is me.  In the formal attire with flip flops.

And of course I'm sporting my orange sunglasses.  You just can't see them.

I feel like I need to print off two copies of this blog post and put them in the girls' baby books so they can just hand it to their therapist and say, "See.  See why I'm here?!"

And this post.  It will explain much of why my kids are whacked.

You do this stuff too, right?

13 years and it still ain't easy {he used to say ain't and that used to make me crazy, now if only i could hear him say ain't just one more time}

I've had an unsettledness to me for about a week now.

Because I feel this day is coming before it's actually here.  I know that sounds odd.  But there's no other way to explain it.

We've been going out in the boat and playing on the water for a couple of weeks now and everything's been good.  I've been fine.  I've been normal.  I've let my kids play in the water, be on the boat, ride the tube and I've been fine.

And yesterday on the boat I wasn't fine at all.

Because this day is here.  This 13th anniversary of my dad drowning.

And my God, I am missing my dad this day.  I'm sitting here, agitated and crying.  Why?  Why miss him so after all these years.  Why was I just fine last year but today I'm not?

Today I am short with my girls.  I'm quick tempered, more so than normal.  I can't concentrate on tasks more so than normal.  I finally loaded the girls up and made them go to the cemetery with me.  It was a quick trip, but it was enough.  Just to go there and see his name.  His simple head stone.  He was simple.

Yet so full of life.  I miss that life of his.  I miss that the adult me doesn't get the chance to know him.

Right now I think about how good of friends we'd be.  I know I'd need him as my dad and ask him to come over and do whatever a dad and adult daughter do together but I miss him as my friend.

I never had him as my friend.  How can you miss something you've never had?

I'm sure I'd be trying to find myself the perfect stepmom.  One who didn't call me a stick in the mud as one of his girlfriends had back when I was 16 or 17.  Maybe I was then, I'm definitely not now.  She would like me now.

I think if nothing else I've done in this life would make him proud, he'd at least be proud that I like beer now.  He'd think he'd done something right. :)

I wish I could hear him laugh and watch him walk.  Doesn't that sound funny?  Watch him walk?  He just had this easy way about him and I can picture the way he walked.  He was comfortable with him.

I remember after his best friend was killed by a drunk driver that I didn't hear from my dad for a long time.  I was 11.  When he finally resurfaced he tried to explain to my 11 year old self that he very nearly had himself committed.  He wasn't sure he could go on.  I never understood that until Amber.  I never understood how you could feel life wasn't worth much without your best friend until her.  I think as I get older I understand him  a little better.

Man he loved his friends.

They knew him so much better than I ever did.  Ever will.  I'm jealous.  I admit it.  Of the memories they have.  Pictures, videos, in their hearts.  I have so few.

I remember locking myself out of my car in the Wal Mart parking lot when I was about 17.  He came to my rescue.  And it was no big deal.  And it's just little things like this that seem so simple and yet mean so much.  I mean, that's what a dad is for, to save you.  Even if it's just from the Wal Mart parking lot.

I just wanna ask him to come over.  I want him to come over for dinner and sit out on the deck and drink a beer or 3 and hear his laugh and watch him with the granddaughters he never got to meet.

And I wanna not cry til snot drips down my face.  I want life to be fair and there not to be dads who die too young.  And like I said back in November, I just want my dad.

My 17th birthday.

I just miss my dad.

Two years ago I laid out my grief in this post, it wasn't an easy write, but it was healing.


Can you do me a favor?  If you knew him, can you leave me favorite memory of him?  Or more than one.  You can leave 'em in the comment section or email them to me at truckfamily@gmail.com  That would be awesome.

Spanks.

Summa time random

We're a couple of days in on this blog reunion, so it's high time we have some random.

About a month ago I put sunscreen on my face.  The next day I broke out and looked like a 14 year old boy.  I still look like that 14 year old boy.  I'm not loving the zits.  Here I tried to protect myself from the cancer and I'm rewarded with acne.  Nice.

I took all the books out of one of our bookcases yesterday.  So far I've only put back about 3/4 of them.  The rest are waiting for me to finish blogging.  I might blog until Sunday or Monday.

Tuesday we went boating (we did on Sunday, too) and I went way outta my comfort zone and tried wake boarding.  Out of my comfort zone because I'm not super thrilled about water (the whole dad drowning thing) and because I don't like being strapped into stuff.  Freaks me out.  But I had to do it.  I need to get over these fears.  I didn't get up but I tried.  Four times.  And that counts for something!  (not sure what, but it does!)

I kissed Spice's armpit.  She had an owie.  She asked me to kiss it.  I did.

I meet my new(ish) stepdad soon.  Like in a week soon.  He's been my stepdad for nearly a year and it's weird, right? that we haven't met.  I think so.  Maybe this time has been good.  He only has a glimpse (my mother) of what he's in for.  I kinda feel sorry for him.  It's me we're talking about.  I'm also a lil worried.  What if he doesn't like me?  I don't have a dad, so to now have a stepdad is kinda cool but only if he likes me.  Not sure I could take the rejection.  But who wouldn't like me?  I'm a treat!

I've decided to buy anti-aging cream.

I don't whiten my teeth.  I get asked this all the time.  Especially when summer is here and I'm tan.  I brush them.  Once a day usually.  When I remember.  I credit my white teeth to my dead dad.  He had nice teeth.  Nice, white, straight teeth.  Mine are just white.  Win some ya lose some.

I need to blog about church.  Remind me.

My kids were gone for 19 hours Weds/Thurs.  I didn't get much accomplished.  About as much as when they are here.  Which equals nothing.

My Beagle is snoring.

I wish I had a motorcycle.  Or at least knew of someone who did.  I want a ride on one.

I'm really tired of my house not being done.  It's exhausting having a house that's partially re-done and partially not re-done.  My husband is busy.  Busy, busy, busy.  And I'm lazy, lazy, lazy.  Those two combined are not good.  It means nothing gets done.

I love flip flops.

I'm going to take a nap.

I can't quit words: On breaking up with my blog and getting back together with it. Again.

I feel like my blog and I are these 16 year old high school kids in a FB relationship status that reads, "it's complicated."

We break up.

We get back together.

And it's good.  Real good.

But then it gets bad again.

And well, lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm gonna admit, it was embarrassing getting back together this time.

I assumed people would roll their eyes and say, "I knew it!  I told you they'd get back together!" or the "yeah, but how long will it last this time?"

I had to decide that I cared more about my blog, my little place on the internet, than I did about what people may say.  Because they may not be saying anything at all other than, "Woohoo! She's back, uh huh. Oh yeah."

I'm gonna go ahead and choose to believe the latter.  Yes, I am.

There's no real good explanation for why I deleted or why I un-deleted.  It's me.  C'mon.  If you've been here longer than a month or so you know this is what I do.  I'm not going to say it won't happen again.  It might tomorrow.

For now, it's here.  For now I'm going to try to make my writing a priority.  It's such an outlet for me.

I love my bike riding.

I love cooking.

I love yoga.

But there's something about words.

And the flowing of them.  And the releasing of them.

I get something completely different from writing than I do from any other outlet in my life.

As hard as I try - I just can't quit words.

Just a day in my life

My blog and I broke up.

But we're back together now.  We'll discuss this at another time.

For now, here's a glimpse of the start of my Tuesday, July 17th, 2012.

My friend, Jana, is in town and I bribed her with Starbucks if she'd come over and hang out with me for a bit before leaving town.

So I load up my girls which is no easy task.  You'd think it would be by now.  I mean, they are seven and four and c'mon, you can put your shoes and your seatbelt on by yourself already!!

We're driving, we get to the store, we unload and I realize I don't have my wallet.

"Oh, yeah, Mom.  I saw it in the house.  Forgot to tell you.  Sorry."

Thanks, Sugar.  Thanks for nothin'.

We drive home and Sugar jumps outta the rig, brings me my wallet and then there's a gasping from the three of us girls as Justin Bieber's Boyfriend has just come on the radio.  Any fighting, any anything stops for those few minutes of glory.

Anyway.

I pay for the drinks, barista hands me my $1.33 in change and I go to put it in the pocket of my pants.

Only to realize the pocket of my pants is on the inside of my pants.

Because I have them on inside out.

This is why I blog.  To publicly embarrass myself in written format.

You're welcome.

Let's Get Homeschool-y

While most homeschool families are on summer vacay ours is not.

This is what happens when you procrastinate.  This is what happens when you take too much time off for certain things.

But it's (one of) the beauties of homeschooling.  The flexibility of it.

Josh and I were talking about ways to make things flow a little more smoothly for next year, what would help us with our focus, etc.  Often I would think, "oooh, we can go do something in the morning and we'll just school later."  And then later would come but school would not.

I'm not a structured person.  I'm very fly by the seat-a my pants.  My girls, I've noticed, are not like this.  They go with my flow, but they don't like it.  So, while I can be fly by the seat-a my pants for me, I can't be like that for them.  Our days must have more structure to them.

I think it's going to be good.  For all of us.

Just might be a bit rough for my flighty nature.

{choose joy with me today}

I was texting with Megan (my baby sister) last week about life and how sometimes I'm just ready to be done with it.  For the most part, I kinda suck at living.

I'm not the wife or mother or person I thought I'd be.  I had these crazy notions that I would be really good at it, this life thing - and I'm not.

Sometimes I just get super discouraged and think it'd be better to not be kickin'.

But deep down I know I'm here, on this earth, right now, for a reason.  Whatever His reasons may be.

So today I choose joy.  I choose to laugh and love in spite of the stuff that tries to keep me down.  I choose joy on this road that sometimes seems dark.  

I hope today you choose to do the same despite the circumstances weighing on your life, your heart, your mind right now.  

What hard work can do

Today I was looking to find a pic of the "old me" to see if there was actually that much of a difference in how I looked before going to the gym and riding my bike.

I figured Facebook would probably be the best place to find old pics of myself.

I found one from two summers ago, it was taken in July 2010, about seven months before I started going to the gym.

And then I got a current photo, one from our Memorial weekend camping trip.

And then I put them side by side.

There's a difference.  For sure.

It was a good reminder for me today that hard work pays off.  I needed that reminder as I was hauling stuff up from the basement for our yard sale.  Thinking it was a waste of time.

But the hours I spent at the gym and the miles I put on my bike were not a waste of time.  I accomplished something I didn't think I was able to accomplish.  I lost 30 nasty pounds in about 7 months and have maintained that for the last year.

Hard work pays off.

So I'm going to keep plugging away at this yard sale stuff and know that my hard work won't be for nothin'.

Monday, Fun Day. Recap of the weekend.

Less than 3 hours til company arrives for dinner.  Perfect time to sit and blog and not clean up the house.

*eye roll*

Today is such a great Monday.

It was such a great weekend.

Last week our cat went missing.  It's not unusual for us to have animals die around here.  We live on one of the busiest roads in our town and have had a few animals be hit (boo).  But, we didn't see our cat in the road anywhere so we remained hopeful that she was just out there somewhere having a good time.  We walked up and down the road calling for her several times.  We prayed and prayed.  And I cried and cried.

Yesterday, after five days away from home, she showed up!  I cried.  And thanked the Lord!

Saturday I went to a bachelorette party for my friend, Sara.  Oh, goodness.  We were at a country bar and there was a band and there was music and dancing and I don't dance.  But I danced that night.  So much that my body still hurts two days later.  One person tried to teach me to swing dance and all I did was step on his toes and I think the toes of other people too.  Another guy asked me to go to Sturgis with him (because you always ask strangers after 30 minutes of meeting to go somewhere with you, right?!) and I told him to just hold on and I'd ask my husband.  He said he'd ask for me and I laughed and laughed.  Silly him.  We got the bachelorette the most amazing lap dance ever.  I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time.  All of us girls were out on the floor and I broke a sweat and realized that maybe I should take up dancing instead of yoga to get in shape.

Holy smokes.

Friday night my sister and I decided at about 9:50 to go for a drive to Taco Bell.  They closed in 10 minutes and I was speeding something fierce.  We got there on time and then my window wouldn't roll down (of course) but thankfully I have a sunroof, so Meg just popped outta that and ordered the food.  And then we took it to a friend's house and ate and laughed and at one point I had to rush to the sink because I was choking on Pepsi from laughing so hard.

My goodness I love to laugh.

I babysat Trevor's boys for a couple of days last week.  He told his co-workers that his ex-girlfriend was taking care of his kids while his wife was gone.  Their response: "Oh, the girl who used to be a pole dancer?"  Apparently he had told all of them about my wanting to take pole dancing lessons last year and instead of it just being lessons, they assumed I was a pole dancer.

Awesome.

I am the pole dancing ex-girlfriend.  I love it.

My living room is full of stuff for a yard sale.  I have one almost every year and I hate them. Hate them.  Hate them.

I love going to them.  I love the money I make from having them.

I just hate actually having them.

Did you know Father's Day is this Sunday?  I did not realize this until this morning.  For some reason I thought it was the next Sunday.  My bad.  Guess I better get to making Josh's gift.

How are you?  What are you up to?

The birthday of all birthdays

The Friday before my birthday my sister and I were to go get matching tattoos.

I was sitting on my sister's front steps waiting for her to show up so we could head off to our appt.

She was tardy.

When she finally showed up, she opened the passenger door and out steps my mother.

Whom I haven't seen since January.

I couldn't believe it.

Just a coupla nights before Josh asked if I missed her.

I told him I did but that the worst part was there was no plan on when I'd be seeing her again.

And that bothered me.

We love having deck parties at our house and it's one of my mom's favorite things to do at our place.

I told her we were having one the day before my birthday and she was sad she couldn't be here.

My step-dad (how weird is that to say?) told her she had to come.

(if I ever doubt that i'm the favorite, i must remember this.)

And so there she was.

And it was like she hadn't been gone all this time.

We bought beer and macaroni and cheese and invited a friend of mine over

and we all hung out outside while Josh built the coolest swing ever.

Early the next morning we went to Starbucks and sat outside.

And I just enjoyed that I had my mama and my baby sister with me.

I also enjoyed that we got 4 semi-trucks to honk at us.

I love Starbucks with my mama and baby sister.  

I just do.

The rest of the day was spent getting stuff ready for the deck party.

Grocery shopping, tidying the house, finishing touches on the new swing.

And lots of laughter.

I bought a new shirt.  And put my hair up.

And I was ready to par-tay!

Megan showed up looking amazing.  Of course.

There was food and friends.  Music and dancing.

Oh, the dancing.

I even got the most amazing present ever.  

During the day I got a text asking for a picture of my bike tattoo.

But I was told not to ask questions.

So I text back with a picture of my tattoo

I get an orange shirt (fave color!) and on it is the outline of my bike, looking just like my tat.

It says, "Ride bikes, drink beer, get awesome."

How cool is THAT?!

Love it.

He's kinda getting favorite friend award.

Of course Amber's gift was amazing as well.

Always good gifts from her.

A Justin Bieber alarm clock because..

who wouldn't wanna wake up to the Beebs every morning?!

There were wheelbarrow races, too.

And the kids went swimming in a pool my husband ingeniously heated for them.

(that's a whole nother post)

And there were S'mores and more dancing.

Then it was time to get up and start the Starbucks routine all over again with my mama and Meg on Sunday.

My BIRTHDAY!

I went to church after coffee time and afterward went home to get ready for more family to come over.

More family.  More presents.

I love presents.

Treena got me a super fun necklace! I haven't taken it off since I first put it on on Sunday.

I'm in love.

I really had the most fabulous birthday.

Surrounded the entire weekend with friends and family.

I'm a blessed girl.

Much love and hugs and thank yous to everyone who made my weekend uh-mazing.

And double loves and hugs and thank yous to Daddy Bill for sending my mama to me.

I kinda like you.

32 and I are gonna be tight.

Hello, Thirty-two.

We're going to be fine friends this year.

This year we're going to enjoy life.

We're going to relax.

Dare I say, we're going to offer ourselves a little more grace?

Yes.  We are.

We're going to let down our curly, frizzy hair and we're going to not be so hard on ourselves.

Thirty-two, we're going to laugh more and probably snort while we do it.

We're going to love harder.

And probably get hurt while we do it.

You and I, Thirty-two, we're going to do more.  We're going to stop being so scared of everything.

Everything = failure.

Thirty-two, are you excited for this?

I know that I am.

I know that I'm ready.

I'm ready to make this my year.

Thirty-two doesn't mean I'll have my shit together.

But it does mean that I can learn from my mistakes.

Offer myself some grace.

Pick myself up, dust myself off.

And try, try again.

I'm still going to forget those clothes in the washer until they've been in for two days.

And have to be re-washed.

I'm going to forget to thaw the hamburger and we'll hafta go out to dinner.

I'll probably buy more Starbucks than I should.

I bet I'll yell at my kids.

And roll my eyes at my husband.

This year I'm going to be intentional.

I want my words and my actions to matter.

And when I screw up my words, and when I screw up my actions, 

I'm not going to berate myself.

Because remember?  This is the year we're easing up on ourselves.

I'm going to accept my crazy self for who I am.

Who I was created to be.

I'm going to quit worrying so much.

I have to.

My life is good and it is full and I really wanna enjoy every minute.

Like, really enjoy.

I think I'm going to like being 32.

Yes I do.

summary

i learned to make tortillas recently.  my friend candee's mom taught me.

i'm enjoying the rainy day.

we recently took an unplanned trip to seattle.  we were gone for 12 hours and it was such a fantastic day there.

i celebrated with my friend sara at her wedding shower yesterday.  i loved being introduced as her twitter friend and having her family laugh at us.  twitter, it's like a dating match up site...but for friends. :)

i bought a new shirt that i love and earrings, too.  i've already lost them.  the earrings, not the shirt.  that would be awkward...

attending a newold church is different.  there are friends there.  it is close by.  i am home by 11.  there's no rush to get out the door.  there's no 40 minute drive.  i'm still not sure how i feel about being there.

josh's grandma broke her hip.  then his grandpa was in the hospital too.  and it's strange.  it's strange because they are getting older.  they are older.  and i can tell it's weighing on my husband.

my mom was in the hospital last week.  and she lives a thousand miles away now so i can't just go help.  i can't just be at her side.

for a girl who likes change, some of it i do not.

my ex-stepdad sent me an email on mother's day.  unexpected and sweet.

i don't like mother's day.  i equate it with valentine's day.  

if not for a handful of people i would delete facebook.  i am so tired of it.  i really am.  it's sad that out of the 306 friends facebook says i have, a handful ruin it.  but a handful keep me there.

sugar said damnit the other day and i thought josh and i were going to die laughing.  she spent time at my aunt's house and picked it up there.  we only say bastard, pissed, crap and the f word here.  so she didn't learn damnit from us.  ;)  i'm kidding on the words we use.

mostly.

i have a stepdad.  i have for like 7 months.  i've never met him.  odd, right?  I KNOW.  one sister has met him.  the other will soon.  i sent him a text along these lines, "and so we save the best for last."  

i ride my bike with the crew on saturdays and josh goes on sundays and we so rarely get to go together.  for years i know he would have loved for me to love cycling as much as he does and now that i do, we have children and we have no babysitter and we have to do this hobby that we love separately.  it's hard.

i'm noticing an impatience in my 6 yr old these days.  she gets it from me.  it's ugly to see the parts of you that need to change coming out of your child.  i want better for her.  i want her to be so much better than me.

josh just called and he can tell something is wrong with me and he asks and i tell him nothing.  he knows me well though.  usually he pesters me til i tell him, right now he didn't.  maybe he's over me.  kiddiiiing.

my friend natalie came to visit last week.  so much fun hanging out with her.

my hair is extremely big and curly today but with no product in it, it's very soft.  

i got my feelings hurt so badly a week and a half ago and i steeled myself to not cry until i got home.  so i waited til i got home and josh saw my face and asked what was wrong and i was a blubbering mess of an idiot.  and he's quick to tell me when i've overreacted and when yes, it's okay to have my feelings hurt.  that was one of those times.  i didn't overreact.  but i cried my bitty heart out.

we refinanced our house. did i mention this already? we started 12.5 yrs ago with a 7.5% interest rate, or maybe it was higher.  then we went to a 5.  and now we've just refi'd at 3.25.  i'm a happy camper.  10 more years and this bad girl is paid off.  and 8 yrs early at that.  sooner if we tried harder.  we'll see...

i was mad at God last week.  honestly i still am.  friends of mine are hurting and i just don't get it.  and i get so mad.  and i just ask why.  why God why.

am i allowed to do that?  well i've done it.

i'm going to go make dinner now and start laundry and make it look like i've done something other than not doing anything all day.

I forgot the ice cream and my house wasn't perfectly clean and that's just really okay.

This has been one of the best weekends I can remember having in a long time.

It seems as the years go on I get more and more comfortable with entertaining.  It's gone from Josh inviting people to our home so I would have to clean it, to me inviting people over but panicking that I wouldn't make the right food or something would go wrong, to me inviting people over and fussing over everything and never allowing anyone to help, to this weekend:

Saturday I had a certain someone's fourth birthday party to get ready for.  Her party was at three.  I rode my bike with friends from 8 until noon, came home, decided it was a good a time as any to make the cupcakes and set out the paper plates, napkins, etc.

Amber showed up early (of course) and she helped me frost the cupcakes.  10 minutes til party time and I realize I don't have candles or ice cream.  Um.  Oops?

We run to the store.  And when we get back to my house everyone had beat us there.  Seven of the eight children and the men were outside at our redneck swingset and soon the 23 of us packed into the living room, singing to a sweet birthday girl.  My sister and Amber dished ice cream and cupcakes.  I mingled.  Made sure everyone was happy.  Enjoyed family.  Friends.

Instead of wanting to open gifts Spice asked to go back outside to play. This is where if I hadn't carried her for nine months and birthed her I'd wonder if she was mine, because hello, birthday = presents.  NOW.

Everyone headed outside where children were pushed ridiculously high on the swing, adults and children raced from one end of the pasture and back, while others played in a freezer box.  It's always the box that's the hit at a party, is it not?

Birthday girl decided it was time for presents and we all headed back in.

Half our guests left around 5 but my sister, BIL, niece, nephew, Trevor, his fabulous wife, Megan, and their boys and Amber and her girls stuck around.  I pulled meatballs out of the freezer earlier in the afternoon in case anyone wanted to stay for dinner.

So, we all worked in the kitchen together getting things prepped.  Josh entertained kids, Trevor made drinks and then he and I peeled potatoes, my sister and Amber and I got meatballs going, Trevor cut up the potatoes for the stove, Megan poured everyone an amazing wine, Amber's girls set the table and we laughed and sang and danced.

And enjoyed the company of friends.

I loved having everyone close by.  Either sitting at the bar and talking or squeezing by one another in the kitchen.  It didn't bother me that I hadn't done all the work ahead of time.  And I realized my friends were enjoying themselves by getting to be a part of dinner making.

This morning I saw Josh's brother and sister-in-law at the gas station after church.  They live about an hour away.  We said goodbye and then I realized, heck, why not invite them over for lunch?!  I told them I was making a new recipe but they were more than welcome to come over to my still messy from yesterday's events home and be my guinea pigs.  And so they did.  And my kitchen was messy from yesterday, my living room too.  I just didn't care.  I just wanted them there.  I just wanted to make them lunch and have fun.

It's taken a whole lotta years for me to realize that having company over doesn't have to be a stressful time, I don't have to do all the work myself, my house does not have to be in tip top shape (heck, I still have a billion areas of my house that are just drywall without mud, tape or paint) and I don't have to remember every last detail.  It's about the food, the laughter and most importantly, the togetherness.

All of that to say, don't wait until you feel like you have the perfect house, the perfect menu, the perfect set up for company.  Your friends, your family - they don't care about that.  They just enjoy being invited over.  They enjoy food.

They enjoy you.

Relax, and enjoy them.

And then she was four

6 months. Still able to be bathed in the sink. 

1.5 yrs old. When we lived in the Peterbilt.

Mama wears this to do dishes, too.

3 yrs old

weeks shy of four. oh you melt this mama heart.

Everyone talks about 'firsts' but today is your last.

Your last day to be three.

I snuggled you tight at bedtime and told you that tomorrow you'd be four.

And you giggled like crazy.

I loved you as a baby.  At one and then two.  You've been a kick at three.  Oh, have you been a kick at three.

And I know you're going to rock being four.

I love you, sweet Alison girl.

Happy Birthday.

love,

mama

Grace? Huh, what?

So I wrote this post yesterday.

And then read this post today.

Thinking maybe I don't give myself enough grace.  Maybe I am too hard on myself.

Maybe I should take baby steps instead of my all or nothing attitude.  You're nodding your head like, "duh" while I'm having a light bulb moment.

Some of us {ahem, me} are slower than others.

I think the best way for me to start being the girl I wanna be is to set small goals.  Weekly, itty bitty goals.

Since it's nearly Friday I do believe I'll wait to set said goals until Sunday.  Then I'll post 'em on Monday.

{and try not to kick myself, offer myself grace on Friday when I don't have them all completed}

Is it easy for you to give yourself grace?  I feel like for me it's easier to offer it to others than myself.

Will 32

i'm 32 days from my 32nd birthday.  i wonder if 32 is my year.  my year to get my shit together.

{pardon}

will i stop being such a screw up?  will i finally get it right?

is this the year i get up at 6 am to feed my husband breakfast?  the year i don't get behind on laundry.  the year i quit losing my temper with my kids?

will i finally keep my rig cleaned?  and always have a well stocked pantry and freezer?

32 means i'm a grown up.  i'll make better financial decisions.  i'll stop buying coffee so often.  i'll do better with josh's paychecks.  yes i will.

this is the year i'll be a better daughter.  a better sister.  a better friend.  i'll stop sucking at those.

and this year my husband will always have clean clothes for work.  i'll know when he needs new shoelaces for his boots and i'll buy them before he even knows he needs them.  he'll never run out of shaving cream and a clean towel will always be waiting for when he's done in the shower.  and when he gets home from work i will not be frazzled but wear a smile and kiss him passionately and ask about his day.

when i turn 32 i'll care about my children's attire and have them dress in clothes that match instead of clothes that do not match.  i will comb their hair and put it in braids and they will look like little girls instead of little ragamuffins.

i will not want to quit homeschooling this year.  i will love it everyday.  and i will be good at it.  and my kids will learn.  and i will stop wanting to wave down the big, yellow bus at 7 am everyday.

is this the year i put others needs ahead of my own?  is this the year i stop being a selfish wretch?

the year i quit thinking about how big my nose is and how my tummy is wrinkly and my clothes are blah.

maybe this year FB, Twitter, my blog, your blog and Pinterest won't matter as much to me.  maybe this year i'll send thank you cards. and Christmas cards.  heck, maybe i'll even send out birthday cards.

32 means i'll read my bible daily and live out my faith, right?  maybe people will actually know i'm a Christian this year, huh?

is this the year to be comfortable in my own skin?

or will 32 be a repeat of my years gone by?  a repeat of who i don't like to be?

8 Takes of my Weekend

1. Friday night was date night.  Kind of last minute plans.  Good plans.  We ate at PF Changs.  I had a coupla Mai Tais and may have gotten tipsy.  I may have also sang Rihanna's S&M at the top of my lungs in the van.  And said, "Go, Team!" to the barista at Starbucks in the drive-thru when we ordered coffee so I could be sober for Target.  Oh, that Target on that Friday night.

He's pretty much a whole lot of hottness.

2.  Date night turned into Date Morning and Josh and I were able to ride with our friends on Saturday morning.  It was a grueling 40 mile ride.  There were times I'd fall off from the pack, they'd have to slow down and wait for me and then times when I'd power through on the hills and be up with the cool kids. I almost puked a coupla times.  I haven't been that worn out from a ride since our 90 miler back in July.  In 9 days I've ridden 135 miles.

Thankful he puts up w/my self-portraits.

3.  Last minute decision to Spring Barrel with my sister and Tracy was a hoot.

we're a good time, this sister and me.

i love that i look tall. for once. thank you, shoes.

yes, i have a sticker on my head. no, that's not our limo.

4.  I got to hold a 3 week old baby.  Oh my womb.  

5. I went to Body Flow yesterday for the first time in two weeks.  Totally sucked.  My abs were like, "haha, SUCKER."  

6.  I rode my bike to Body Flow and while I was on my way there I got "woo hoo'd!!!"  By my sister-in-law.  I'd take that over the creeps who often hang out their window to whistle.  Seriously, guys.  SERIOUSLY.

7.  Oh, Seven.  Or 37, which is my fave number.  After 63.  Hey, I had to throw some random into a weekend post.

8.  I saw several motorcycles at Starbucks yesterday (I stopped there on my bike) and one guy had the nerve to say, "I bet you haven't ridden as far as I have today."  And I said, "I bet you haven't burned as many calories as I have."  To which he had no reply.  TAKE THAT.

the post where i could be snarky but choose not to be

I am feeling so snarky right now.  Which is my way of self-preservation.

I don't even know where to begin and since it probably wouldn't be pretty, I'm going to choose NOT to begin. I'll keep my snark to myself.

Others should follow suit.

It's raining and fabulous.  I opened up a window in my bedroom last night and fell asleep to the sound of rain.  And woke up the very same way.

It's like the rain gets me.  Knows when I need the refreshment.  The soothing.

My hair is hi-lighted and that makes me happy.  I did some painting for my in-laws on Saturday and thought I had gotten paint in my hair.  Nope.  It was just grey hair.  But it's covered now.

Btw:  I prefer "grey" to "gray" in case you were wondering.  And in case you weren't.

I rode my bike to the salon yesterday.

I've put 80 miles on my bike since Saturday and have lost three pounds as a result.  I have a pair of spandex my in-laws bought me for Christmas that are a size XS.  Working my butt off to fit into them.  I mean, I fit into them, I'd just prefer a little less muffin topness going on.

This line was typed.  Then deleted.  Realized it woulda been taken all wrong and well, I've had just about enough of that.

Sugar has a soccer game tonight.  I almost feel bad for the other teams she plays.  Sugar's soccer coach is very serious about soccer and our team wins every time.  By a lot.  Not that I keep score because you aren't supposed to keep score but we do.  We win.  And last week the opposing team's coach called the game at the half and said it was due to rain but I believe it was due to the 13-1 lead we had.  But what do I know?

Looking forward to Saturday.  Looking forward to being able to ride with Josh.  Mostly looking forward to kicking his butt.  He's so much stronger of a rider than I am but he hasn't been out to really ride in awhile so I'm hoping to stand half a chance this weekend.

Josh and I watched some home video of the girls from about three years ago.  Oh my word.  Sugar was making us laugh so hard.  She talks non-stop.  She's always happy.  She's just so her.  Then there's Spice.  Oh, Spice.  She's crying in most of the video we have of her.  She's just so her. :)  There was also video of me.  With an extra 30ish lbs.  Wow.  That was weird to see.  How did I let myself be like that for so long?  It was a miserable five years.

I'm behind on laundry.

We have a long-ish driveway and occasionally Sugar wants to have the car stopped at the bottom and run to the house.  Last night, in the rain, this is what she wanted.  I decided to run with her.  She got a bit of a head start and I never was able to catch up with her.  I'd like to blame it on my flip flops, the rain, my bad knee, and the fact that I kept having to pull up my jeans but what it boils down to is that kid has some wheels.

Okay, it's time to get my day going.  Totally patting myself on the back for keeping my snark to myself.

Happy Thursday, Friends!

the weekend i didn't go camping and the bunny story

I started my morning fairly early and I'm on the phone with Josh and I'm looking out my bedroom window and I see Clifford.  My cat.  Well, the family cat.  And he's out in the garden area and he's being very un-Clifford like and rolling all over the ground.  Clifford doesn't do that.  Then I realize why he's being a moron.

He has a bunny.

So I go traipsing out there in my jammies and my slippers and I inform him that he WILL NOT be harming this baby bunny.  I pick him up and he is pissed.  He's the most laid back cat we've ever owned but right now he's ticked that I am taking him away from his baby bunny.

I haul him back in the house and not two minutes later, Clifford, Ruby (our other cat) and Ace (our Beagle) are all making a bee-line for the bunny.  I grab two cats by the scruffs of their necks and they are hissing and kicking and fur is flying and I'm sure the neighbors are wondering what the crap is going on.  Bunny goes into hiding.  All is well.

Sugar comes in the house and informs me that she has put the bunny in the tree so that Ace will not get it.  I tell her the bunny could die if he hops out of the tree.  And she announces: "Oh, he's already dead."  My smart girl had put on gloves and everything.  I go out and sure enough there's a dead bunny in my tree.

So I put on gloves and I grabbed a shovel and I buried that cute little bunny in my backyard.  I teared up and my six year old is like, "Wow, that's sad.  Can I have a snack?"

That was my morning.

My weekend went like this:

Saturday I got up and headed down to Doc's office where we meet to ride our road bikes.  I went alone because Josh took our girls on a hiking/camping trip.  I rode 30 awesome miles with them.  Doc taught me how to stand while continuing to pedal uphill.  This probably sounds like something that's easy to do but remember, I'm the girl who can't drink from her water bottle and ride at the same time.

So he teaches me how to do this and bam I take off.  They're yelling at me that I'm supposed to maintain my speed not speed up.  Yeah, there's no way I'm going to go slow up a hill if I can go fast.  I'm not wired like that.  In the process of doing the rollers the new way (standing) I sailed through them and didn't vomit the way I've done previously.

And when we were done with our ride I was so pumped I very nearly just kept on riding.  Instead I went home to shower.  In an empty house and that is so very weird to shower without someone opening up the shower curtain and yelling, "Mama!  What's for breakfast?!"  I was able to shave both legs and both armpits.

I went up to my in-laws for a while to do some work for them.  Got so dirty I had to come home and shower again.  And then I got back on my bike for another 20 miles for a total of 50 miles on Saturday!  I asked a friend to ride with me but he wussed out declined.  Maybe because I told him he could ride my back wheel I gave the impression that I was going to kick his butt.  Which I totally woulda.

I rode my bike to my aunt's house in Gview.  This is an aunt on my dad's side of the family.  The side of my family I'm not nearly as comfortable with or know as well but love dearly.  However, I walk in the house then out to the backyard and when I see how many of my family members are out there I walk right back in the house and have a sit down.  Holy lots of family.  I had to take a breather.  Give myself a pep talk and proceed to the backyard.  Where I discussed tattoos, dreadlocks, nose piercings, and giving birth with my cousin.  All things I love.

And then I announced I was riding my bike home and my uncle tried to give me a ride but I said no.  On my way home I get a text from a friend and am invited to sports bar/casino and it's on my way home and a beer sounds fantastic! but I politely decline and I'd like to say I declined because of my attire (biking skirt, tank top, sweaty face) but really it's because I've never been in there and I don't go into places alone that I've never been.  I get this weird anxiety deal and I wish I could explain it but it just boils down to possibly needing more therapy.

Then I went home, showered for a third time.

This entire time I cannot get in touch with my husband because there is no cell service where he is and my mind is going crazy thinking they've been eaten by bears and why oh why did I not just go with them?!

I was asked why I didn't go with them.  I told him there were two reasons.  The first is that after the family camping trip from hell in August, Josh told me I never had to camp again.  I fully intend to hold him to this for the duration of our marriage, however long that may be.  And secondly, I homeschool my kids.  I am here pretty much 24/7.  I am with them allthetime.  They can have 36 hours with their daddy.  It is good for them and it is good for me.

I'm done feeling guilty about that.  Even Josh told me there was no reason for me to feel guilty for not going.

After I explained my reasons my friend understood.

My kids had a blast and they brought home 14 minutes of video for me to watch.  It was adorable and I can't wait to watch it 10 years from now.

I also can't wait to not go camping again.  I'm so good at it.

The mixed emotions of a SAHM {type without deleting: post two}

Last year about this time I wrote a post about not being glamorous.  How I used to have a job I was good at.  A job where I felt adequate.

And then I became a mama.

And now I feel anything but glamorous.  Or adequate.

Maybe it's this time of year that makes me feel like this because I'm feeling it again.  This ants in my pants feeling.

I want a paycheck.  And awards (even if the award says, Most Likely to Provide Comic Relief) and customers and co-workers.  I want someone to see this good hair day.  I want to wear high heels for something other than vacuuming.

I want to not sit here thinking how one (or more) of you are shaking your head at me.  I will post this no matter what.  I will not delete it no matter what.

I know how petty all of this makes me sound.  I know how ungrateful it makes me sound.  But we all have these seasons, right?  Where we're just kinda fed up with life and ourselves?

No?  Just me?

My bad then.

One day last week the weather was decent and school was over and the girls were playing happily outside.  Giggling and chasing each other and finding bugs and getting dirt under their fingernails.  It was 11 am.  "Normal" children would have been in school and not with their mama.  They would have been seated at desks and I would not have heard their laughter.

And I sat there watching them and thinking, "this is the freaking hardest thing I do on a daily basis, but my God, I would not change it.  I would not want any other life than this one I've been afforded."

So yes, I bitch.  I moan and I groan.  And I tell you how I suck at this mom gig.  That is not a gig at all but my life.  I love my life.  I have good days.  I have good weeks.  And I take my kids to the park and I push them on the swing and I kiss owies and I make pancakes and I tousle their hair as I pass by them.

I give out hugs and kisses and I read books.

And I let out a huge sigh of relief when I shut out their light for the night.

I put my bare feet up on my husband's lap and we look at each other and he smiles that knowing smile.  Because the day is done and we made it.  We survived it.  We lived it and loved it.

Even if it was not easy.  Even if there were tears and screaming (and not just from the kids).

And tomorrow a new day will begin.  And what I feel is so mundane may just be mundane, but it's my life and I'm living it.

And I'm having a love/hate relationship with it.

But I am living it.  I won't let it pass me by.  I won't wish it away.  I may let myself dream of it being different on occasion but it's where I am.  Where God has me.

And it's GOOD.

The Ball {type without deleting: post one}

I am not someone who can easily highlight my successes.  Partly because they are so few and far between and partly because it's just not me to say, "yay, me! look what I did awesome!"

However.

I rock at showcasing what I suck at.

Today and many days it's mothering.

I've just sent my children down for naps with tears running down their dirty, little faces.

They were fighting over a stupid ball.  So I did the really mature thing and I opened up the sliding glass door and chucked the ball outside.

There.  Now no one can play with it.

And the tears and the screaming.

Oh the tears.

Over an effing ball.

It's close enough to nap time anyway so I just sent them to bed.  I've taken the easy hard way out.  Easy because I'm not dealing with the situation.  Hard because...I'm not dealing with the situation.

Or the attitudes.

Or their hearts.

Or my attitude.

Or my heart.

Instead, stuff the issue in a bedroom, shut the door and.. and sit here feeling like anyone but me deserves to mother these kiddos.

*this post in an effort to, for one week, type without deleting as i have been double dog dared by my friend, Sara, to do.

wednesday fluff of stuff

left knee is killing me lately during my bike rides.

found a new love via Downton Abbey on Netflix.

having a fantastic school week.

spice is sitting at the table for the two hours of school.  part of last week and all of this week so far.

sugar is learning about King Tut, syllables, pronouns, and addition repetition.

i completed all six items on my to do list monday.  the only time i sat down was when i got on my bike to ride to the gym.

i worked out for three hours straight on monday.

i took a 40 minute nap yesterday.  i never do that.  ever ever.  it felt great.  today i took a 20 minute nap.  what is up?

josh's alarm was set for 3 a.m.

spice wore two different colored flip flops to the grocery store yesterday.  she has a purple pair and a pink pair.  she wanted to wear the purple pair but could only find one.  so instead of just wearing the pink pair she chose one of the pink flips and the single purple.  i love her lack of sense of style.

someone i follow on Twitter posted this yesterday, "what we want isn't always what's best for us."  how true is THAT?

true in my life.

my baby sister will be 26 on saturday.  how did she get to be that old?  i loved 26.  life was simpler.  amazing how a few years can change so much.

but don't take me back to 23.  *shudder*  you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that.  or age 9.  or age 13.

i put my debit card and checkbook on the counter over a week ago to keep me from spending money.  i've had a little cash in my wallet and have used that for a few groceries.

i nearly poked my eye out at dinner last night.  we had dinner at Candee's house and i threw my hand down on a fork and it flew at my face.  i'm really good at making a dork of myself.  so glad she loves me anyway.

sugar asked me today what spring break was and why the neighbors weren't at school.  we aren't doing spring break.  or summer break.

i had a corndog, jojos, a pepsi, fry sauce and a peanut butter snickers for lunch yesterday

my cyclometer on my bike reads 1,100 miles.  Hoping I'll hit 2,000 by the end of summer.

i have a headache today.

i love spring.

yes, it's windy.  yes, it's rainy.  but it's spring.  and spring brings summer.

Slowin' me down

I'm thankful.

For the people in my life who tell me like it is.

Telling me stuff I don't necessarily want to hear but need to hear.

Whether it's my outfit, a character trait, something I've said or something I've done.

Trying to take in the constructive criticism and look at it as constructive instead of hurtful.  Trying not to get defensive and instead reflective.

I'm a recovering people pleaser.  Maybe I'm not in recovery at all.  Maybe I'm still just in people pleasing mode.

Honestly, sometimes I just wanna say screw it to everyone and not care about my words or actions or the things about me that need growth.  I'm such a selfish girl.

Instead, I probably go too far the other way and just worry about offending anyone that I try to please everyone.  And in the end it doesn't matter. 

I still disappoint people.

Ugh, it's not working out for me at all.

So I've decided to try to be a little less impulsive.  With words and actions.  Think things through a little more before I say or do them.  Kinda goes against all of me.  I'm quick to talk.  Quick to say yes over no.  Quick to act.  And so often I regret a lot of what I've said or done but you can't take things back, can you?  At least not without hurting someone usually.

You learn more by listening than you do by talking.  It's time for me to shush up a bit more.  I have much to learn.

Thank you to my friends and family who love me in spite of me.

I've spent my 31 years being pretty impulsive with actions and speech, I don't expect to perfect slowing myself down immediately.  But I am resolving to work on it.  Work on me.