Preview of what's to come...Hair Edition

Tomorrow I go in to get my hurr did.

My once a year beautification.

This is what I dream of my hair looking like:

or

but that is not to be.

So I considered this because my hair could do this.  (I wish my face could too, but I don't have that kind of money right now.  And if I did, that's not the surgery I'd be spending said money on...)

source

Husband was okay with it.  After all, it's not dreads.  But it's short and short is not his favorite.  *sigh*

So, tomorrow my dirty blonde, frizzy locks will look like this:

And maybe I'll go get some glasses and bold lipstick, too.

Let's set a goal, shall we?

The four of us are leaving soon(ish) to warmer temps.

My body is in no shape to be seeing the sun whilst in a swim suit.

I'm canceling my membership to the gym I've loved for two years now.  Life is changing and I'm just not able to leave the house as frequently as before.  It's time to start working out from home.

My bicycle and I have been separated for a couple of months now, a situation that needs to be remedied immediately.  While a good hour at the gym feels great, nothing leans this girl out like time on the bike.  I must get back to pedaling.

I've gained two pounds.  This isn't much.  And for the most part I'm not concerned.  But the fact that I've lost a lot of muscle and let it turn into blubber isn't making me very happy.

So.

Here's my goal.

10 pounds in three months.  Totally doable.  Just a little over three pounds per month.

That would put me at 115.  A number I haven't seen on the scale since I was about four months pregnant with Sugar. Which woulda been a little over eight years ago.

115 seems ridiculous.  But I want to do it.

I was trying to think of what I could reward myself with and then it hit me, duh.  Vacation.  

And a new swim suit!

Where I say too much. Get too personal.

In November of 2011 I found out I had a hernia.  In December while discussing the repair with my surgeon he asked if I wanted more babies.

"Yes!"  I kind of said it like, "duh!"

And he said okay, he just wanted to let me know that while he was putting the mesh screen in to repair my hernia, he could also tie my tubes.

Thanks but no thanks.

And then two days later I had a horrible parenting morning.  Okay, horrible doesn't even cut it.  It was one of the the worst days I'd ever had as a mother.

I found myself guilt-tripping my six year old, being impatient with my three year old and just wanting to wave a white flag.

"If you suck at being a mother to two kids, what makes you think you have any right to have three?"

Those were the words that formed in my mind.

I loaded the girls up in the van.  It was freezing.  They were still in jammies.  And I rushed down to the surgeon's office and asked where the form was that I could sign so that two days from then I would no longer have to worry about bringing another child into this world that I would damage with my less than stellar parenting.

"Sarah, honey.  Are you sure?"  Yolanda, the office manager asked me.

I'm sure I looked a fright.

"Look, I have two screaming kids out in the car right now, just the two of 'em make me crazy.  I don't think I need to add to that."  The tears.  They were so close but I kept them in.

This isn't your time.  I heard the voice.  His voice.

And still I signed the paper.

The devil on one shoulder.  The angel on the other.

A mix of right and wrong.

Two days later I'm in a hospital gown early early in the morning with those stupid hospital socks that don't stay on.  The surgical nurse is going over what is about to go down.

Ventral hernia repair.

Tubal ligation.

"Is this correct?"

This isn't your time.  I knew then I should have told her no.  No, that was not correct.  Do the hernia repair, leave my tubes alone!

I nodded.  "Yes, that's correct."

vertical scar above & below my belly button is from having half
of my colon removed 6 yrs ago.
the staples are from the hernia repair.  tubal ligation staples are not shown.

I came out of surgery and my first thought was of the babies I wouldn't have.

The hernia repair and tubal ligation were the easiest of the surgeries I've had, yet I was the worst patient this time around.  I yelled at my nurse (Josh had to apologize to her for me). I cried.  I was angry.  I wanted to go home.

I wanted to go back.

To a few days before.  To not have signed those papers.

It's been a year and I'm still trying to heal from that surgery.  My hernia is fine.  My heart, however, is not.

I think about it everyday.  I've asked for forgiveness over and over.  I've been angry.  I've thrown stuff.  And I've had the days where I hear that voice that I'm a terrible mother to two kids, I don't deserve any more.

I say all of this, I say too much, have gotten too personal because maybe it's one of you who needs to hear it.  Maybe you're considering making a permanent decision like this and you just don't know if it's the right thing for you.

It might be.

It might not be.

I'm just letting you know my experience with making this permanent decision.  Don't make yours in a moment of frustration.  Don't sign those papers because you feel like you're a bad mom.  Don't assume your husband thinks you're a terrible mama to his children and doesn't want to have more babies with you.

Think it through.  Write out a list.  Pray about it.  Talk to your spouse.  And when you've made your decision, wait another month. Or more.

If this is something you're considering and wanna talk about it, feel free to leave a comment here, or up at the top, where it says "Contact" you can find my email address and email me.  

Two years later.

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary since I signed up for the gym and took control of my health, my weight.

Two years.

Crazy.

These last two years have been quite a ride.

Some things I'd change.  Some things I wouldn't.

Getting up early to hit the gym is something I'll never regret.

The hours away from home riding my bike, I don't regret.

I worked hard to lose it, I've worked hard to maintain it.

2011 was my year to get healthy.

2013 is yours.

Conversation with the Husband

Last night I was about to update my FB status and then backspaced it all.

Me:  I probably don't need to tell FB what the girls just did, do I?

Josh:  No, you never know, one of your friends might call CPS or something.

Me:  But then I'd know what time to have the kids waiting at the door with their bags packed.

It's a joke.  Mostly...  ;)

Happy Thursday!

Wednesday Random Style

My house is quiet.  Well, besides the fish tank.  Nemo and Marlin are rather noisy.  (yes, Nemo and Marlin. my kids are super creative namers of fish)

Josh left for work about an hour ago.  Just as he was about to leave I hear a Peterbilt start up.  Pretty sure it tugs at his heart even more than mine when we hear that sound.  Our neighbor drives a truck very similar to the one we used to live in.  He's not home often, but when we hear him pull up the drive, we both stop for a second, and then start again.

Living in the Pete wasn't an easy time, but we both miss it a lot.

Amber came over for dinner last night with her girls.  I tried my first recipe from my new Healthy Gluten-Free Life cookbook.  It was fine.  It was chicken.  I'm not a super big chicken fan, but everyone cleared their plates so I assumed that was a good sign.  (that, or Josh paid them all off.  which would not surprise me)

When Josh leaves our bed, our Beagle joins it.  I'm always surprised to find that a 40 lb dog can take up more of a bed than a 135 lb. man.  I ended up having to just get out of bed since he was pushing me off.  The bugger.

I was gone for several hours on Saturday doing the grocery shopping.  While I was gone my husband went Tazmanian devil on our house.  He cleaned, he scrubbed, he did laundry, he changed sheets, made beds, did dishes.  I came home to calm instead of chaos.  It did my heart good after such a stressful shopping trip.  I do not deserve him.  I know this.

Yesterday the girls and I sat for two hours straight doing school work.  Usually after 30 minutes I let them have a recess time.  Yesterday, not so much.  We got a lot done and hopefully a lot learned.  I talked with them about Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks.  I learned new things right along with them.

I haven't seen my mom since July.  That's so weird to me.  Weirder still is that I'm getting used to it.  I didn't think I would.  A couple of days ago Spice (4) was putting together a USA puzzle.  She picked up the piece for Nevada, kissed it and then looked at me.  "This is where Maugie lives and I miss her."  A few days before that she was peeling an onion for me and it made her teary.  "This is making me cry.  I'm not missing  Maugie this time."  Kid breaks my heart.  I don't realize just how much she thinks about my mom.

I stopped biting my fingernails again.  Me and my phases.  It's been a couple of weeks.  It'll last a few months and we'll repeat the process.  

I'm going away for the weekend without my husband or kiddos.  Trying to not feel guilty about it

The bubble on my nose is healing!  Thank goodness!  It's been a process but I found a YouTube video that helped and I'm so glad because on Friday (a really bad day emotionally for me) I was just ready to pull the nose ring out and see if that's what would heal the bubble.  Anyway, it still looks strange (lucky me) but at least it's in the healing process.

Ace just came barreling down the stairs which means my girls will wake up any minute.  Why can't that Beagle be a little lighter on his feet?  Sheesh.

Happy Wednesday.  

Share a bit of your random?

missing

when you dream about someone and can't stop thinking of them all the next day.  but the reason you had a dream about them in the first place is because you'd been thinking of them throughout the day before you'd even gone to bed.

and then the dream is bittersweet.

and you wake up sad and missing that person.

you smile with memories.

ache with memories.

and wonder what you can do different.

you've tried the, "I'm sorry, please talk to me" approach.

no use.

you've tried the wait it out until they talk to you approach.

no use.

this is me.  where i am.

i say i'm over it and i'm not sad anymore.

and i am lying.

because, how do you ever get over your sister?

you don't.

i'm tempted to not hit "publish" because maybe this is too much to say in a blog post.  but i'm so tired of worrying about what everyone else thinks of me.  oh so tired of it.  so.  i'm publishing.  

you can do it

It's amazing how powerful those four words are.

Armed with a grocery list, $400 cash and Starbucks I set out for Fred Meyer, Costco, Wal Mart, Winco and Yokes.  I figured between these five stores I'd be able to find all the ingredients for this new way of eating for our family.  Allergy free.

By store number four I pulled my cart to the side of the aisle and I stood there.  There was not much cash left and this was the store most of my ingredients would come from.  Yet I wasn't finding them.  I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry.

The last week had been pretty awful and it was all coming to a head in a public place.

My eyes got watery.  My nose started to sting.  I was about to lose it in WinCo.

I'm not sure how I got my act together but I managed to not spill a tear.  I continued shopping and when all was said and done I spent $486 and still didn't find everything I needed.

$486 dollars.  Nearly two hundred over our regular budget for food and nearly a hundred over what I thought I'd need.  I knew that it would cost extra for this month so I gave myself a $100 extra.  Gluten Free shampoo, conditioner and lotion aren't cheap.  The flours aren't either.  None of it is.

It's just a lot.  A lot of work.  A lot of money.  A lot of everything I don't have.

And then there was the text from Jessica.

"You can do it."

And I took a deep breath and thought maybe she's right.  Maybe I can.

So.  Here we go.  Ready or not.  And I'm so not.

The Bubble

At the end of October I got my nose pierced.

I'm a big fan of piercings.  In high school I wanted to pierce my eyebrow but my then boyfriend wasn't thrilled with the idea. (stupid boys) (stupid me for listening)

The tongue piercings I never got into, at least not for myself, but I think they're cool.  My sister had her tongue pierced and I knew a guy who had it done, too.

When I was 22 I pierced my belly button.  If you've never pierced your belly button and you're considering doing it, ask for an epidural.  My pain tolerance is pretty high but ohmuhwerd.  That was a doozie.  I took it out about a week before I found out I was pregnant with Sugar, so I only had it a couple of years.  I'm still a little sad pants about that.  I liked it.

I have my ears pierced three times on each side.  Kinda boring.  Nothing exciting there.

The piercing I've loved most has always been the nose ring.  I'm always staring at people who have it done.  I love when I see people who just don't fit the stereotype of piercings but have them anyway.  Everyone has a story about why they pierce or tattoo, so I'm always curious about someone's reasoning behind it.

Anyway.

I have always loved the nose piercing.  I've wanted to pierce my own for a few years.  However, the husband wasn't too keen on the idea.  Over the last few years though he's come around (somewhat) and after I told him I wasn't going to put my hair in dreads, he asked if I was going to pierce my nose.

Um, yes!?

So I did.  I went to a place in Portland that my friend Jessica had gone to.  I was so nervous.  I've had a coupla babies, some pretty major surgeries, but here I am, afraid to have a needle through my nose?

Wuss.

I was expecting to pick out a very teeny tiny diamond stud.  Hardly noticeable.

But then they show me what I have to choose from and there is TURQUOISE!  And I love it and immediately say that's the one I want.  I do not at all pay attention to the fact that it's twice as big around as all the others I could have chosen.

The girl who was to pierce me pretty much rocked.  She had two piercings in her nose with a chain attaching them.  Tattoos.  Funky hair.  I kinda wanna be her.

I loved how she knew her stuff.  She talked me through the procedure.  Told me everything she was going to  do.  She recommended I close my eyes and so I did.  And then there was a moment, about two seconds of pain where the needle had gone through.  Then another second or so of pain after the ring went in.  I pierced my left nostril, and a tear from my left eye slipped down my face.

And I was done.  I did bleed a little and she said that was common.  "Did you happen to have coffee before you came in?"  Guilty.  Coffee, or caffeine, thins the blood.  She dabbed at it for me and then it was done.

I was done.

I walked downstairs where my husband waited patiently for me.  He's always so patient with me.  He just smiled his, "here she goes again" smile.  He ended up saying later he actually likes it.

The healing time written down for me was 2-6 months.  Sheesh.  There are daily soaks required in sea salt.  And I did these but not for long enough.  Which only became apparent after I developed a very large bubble around my nose ring.

Like, very large.  It is now larger than my nose ring.

So I asked Dr. Google what to do and could find nothing conclusive.  I finally called Black Hole yesterday and asked what to do.  He said, "you probably stopped your soaks and started messing with it, huh?"  Bingo.  He says I have an irritation cyst and that I now have to pretend that it's a brand new piercing.  Back to soaking it and babying it.  He says it could possibly take three weeks to heal.  Sigh.

Lesson learned.  Follow directions for piercings!  It's never made me want to take it out.  I love this thing.  I'm willing to endure another three weeks with this bubble.  I'd take a picture of it but I no longer have my iPhone.  (another post. another day)  So here's a pic from a couple months ago when it was bubble-less.

Not to be confused with bubble-iscious.

Do you have any piercings?

Want any piercings?

Have a bubble type story to share?

Spill it.

{smile pretty}

Happy Monday, friends!!

The four of us went out for dinner on Saturday night.  I asked my girls to smile pretty for a picture and the result was this...

That youngest child of mine.  She's a wild one.

No idea where she gets that behavior...

Have a great first day of the work/school week!!

xoxo

Allergy shmallergy is not a good attitude, but it's been mine.

Nearly three years ago we found out that my youngest was allergic to wheat/gluten, dairy, eggs, peanuts (moderately) and oranges.

I'm sad to say that I've done a pretty rotten job at keeping these foods from her diet.  I'm her mama, I'm the cook, and it all boils down to my being lazy.

It's hard to adjust an entire meal around just one person in the house.

We've recently noticed some other health issues that are concerning to us.  It's time I start putting her little self above my laziness.  Her scalp, her belly, her sleep habits, the bags under her eyes that are often purple-ish.  These are things that need to be taken care of.

For the last several weeks we've done a much better job at keeping foods away from her that cause harm to her.  It's difficult when we go to friend's or out to dinner and find that we let it slide then.  However, it's not long until she lets us know her belly hurts.

Food isn't the only thing with gluten.  Many of the products we put on our bodies have gluten as well, so I'll be cutting those out for all of us.  Pretty sure this is why, at nearly five years old, she still has "cradle cap" on her scalp.

This morning I told Josh, "maybe it's time we go granola."  We laughed.  Going green, natural, organic, whathaveyou is often pricey.  With our new budget in place I'm going to have to get creative.

Am I the only one who sees stuff on a shelf at the grocery store and just assumes if you can buy it, it must be okay to use?  I grab a deodorant or make up or lotion I've used for years and I don't think twice about the ingredients in those things.

We aren't going to get freaky, but I'm definitely going to start doing my research on stuff and start with one thing at a time.

So, if you're a friend or family member, please don't be offended if you invite us over and we have separate food for Spice.  We don't want you to have to adjust your menu for us, we know it's not easy to cook allergy free.  But we want her little body to start feeling better.

I'm going to be a slacker.

Last year my New Year's Resolution was to not live wired for regret.

I did a little better with that.  I think.  While I did stuff in 2012 I'm not super proud of, I didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on it.  Yay, me.

I started my list for this year.

It looked a little something like this:

Lose 10 lbs.
Run a half marathon.
Ride my bike at least once per week.
Gym 3x per week.
Fold AND put away laundry.
Make Josh's breakfast 3x per week.
Spend 30 minutes of one on one time with Sugar and Spice.
Send a letter once a week.
Email someone daily.

and on and on.

Those are things I want to do.

They're important to me.

But I think another thing I need to do is start going a lil easier on myself.  I suppose it's tied into not living wired for regret.  Same but different.  (Brian Regan, anyone?)

I've had enough people tell me, that I'm starting to believe it's true, that I'm pretty hard on myself.

In Chelsea's words, "I can tell you what's wrong with you, but not how to fix you.  Do you want to pass that on to your girls?"

No, no I do not.  I don't want to pass that lovely little characteristic on to my sweet girls.  I'd much rather them get my fantastic ability to use sarcasm at any time.

So Chelsea tells me what's wrong with me.  She's really good at that.  (love you!)  However, she can't fix me.  That's something I've gotta do.  I have to let stuff go.  I have to be okay with being me.  The screw up that I can be.  And boy can I be a screw up.

I did all the laundry but I didn't get it all put away in a timely manner.

Big freaking deal.  It's not the end of the world.

I made breakfast for Josh only two days this week.

Hey, better than none!

I went over the grocery budget.

Um, hello.  Not a big deal.  At least I'm actually trying to budget.

So that list above, the half marathon, the weight loss, etc.  Yep.  I have a year to get those things done.  I wanna do 'em.

But if I don't.  I'm just gonna let it slide and not feel like a complete and utter failure.

This goal of mine was basically my goal for what 32 would look like for me.  So for the last five months of 32 and the first 6 months of 33, we're gonna keep it up.

2013 is about offering myself a little slack.

Taking down Christmas and getting back in the groove of real life.

The Christmas tree is unornamented.  Deornamented?  Um.  You get my point.  There aren't ornaments on my birch branches.

I've kept the branches in the living room, though.

All decorations are down in the basement, neatly organized and ready to come out next December 1st.

If not for the 17 trillion Legos in my living room you'd have no idea we just had Christmas.

It's always fun while it lasts but I'm more than ready for it to be gone on December 26th.

Our Christmas morning was quiet and sweet, the rest of the day too.  We watched movies, read books, played with Legos and ate too much.

The rest of the week was spent with family and friends and while I'll miss that too, I'm looking forward to getting back to our routine tomorrow of school and housework.

I'm also looking forward to getting back to the gym.

Today in fact.  My favorite yoga instructor (who had the nerve to move away) is in town and will be in class today.  I cannot wait to see him!

I plan to sit down tonight and write out some goals for 2013.  I want to not be afraid to fail.  I want to have something to strive for.

Is Christmas still around at your place?  Are you setting goals for 2013?  

On a break

Lately I've noticed that every time I get online I'm getting frustrated or sad or hurt.  Sometimes angry even.

Certain blogs or websites.  People.  I've just been fed up.

Josh told me he thought I needed a break.

And so I've slowed down.  Let go of some things that I deemed important that are not.  Let go of some people I deemed important that are not.

Amazing what pulling yourself away can do for an attitude.  For a heart.

Less stress.  Less heartache.  Less worry.

It's been good.

I'm liking this.

just a wednesday rambling

how are there only six days until Christmas?

yeesh.

i have one present wrapped under the tree.  it's for my niece, Sareena.  i kinda wanna unwrap it and keep it for myself.

most of the presents i've purchased i feel this way about.  well, maybe not my one year old nephew's present.  i don't want to keep it.  i think Josh does, though.

i'm still waiting on most every gift.  i hate saying this, but here it is, every gift but Sareena's was ordered online.  ack.

i've found myself being very hermitish this December.  not wanting to go anywhere or be around crowds.  not wanting to be cold.

and trying to stick with this budget is easier if i'm not out and about.  no impulse shopping.

my girls each get two gifts this year.  those dream lite thingies and bibles.  i wanted so badly to get Sugar this pretty purple bible with flowers on the front of it.  but she's not a purply flowery kinda girl.  instead i found a bible with a boy and a girl on the front of it, in a jeep, in the jungle.  that's the kinda girl my Sugar is.

Pinterest has helped me figure out what my menu will look like for Christmas day.  banana splits, some sangria, some more food.  with Spice's allergies it's hard to accommodate her.  she's allergic to wheat, eggs, and dairy.  poor kid.  she gets water for Christmas breakfast.  i asked the girls if they wanted to open presents or eat breakfast first.  they both want breakfast first.  they love their food.  just like their mama.

isn't that weird, though?  wouldn't most kids want presents first?

i've always thought they were strange beings.  a coupla months ago really sealed the deal for me.  Josh and i decided to take a vacation this year.  one that does not include a tent or sleeping on the ground. (hallelujah!!)  we were thinking of taking the girls to Disneyland.  but the thought of that place gives me the shivers.  don't ask me why.  however, i just assumed it's every little girl's dream to go there and if i can provide that for my girls, awesome.  but my girls aren't princess-y girls.  not even a little.

case in point.  that up there is my youngest.  with her daddy's tools, some hot wheels cars, dirt and a worm.  this is a normal summer day around here.  i laugh when my friends with boys say things like, "boys will be boys" and describe a very normal to my house situation.

so.

when we started discussing a family vacation to southern California i thought maybe instead of Disney, we could do SeaWorld.  so i asked the girls which they'd prefer.  they both yelled, "Sea World!"  because my girls are all about all things marine.

anyway.  totally digressed from Christmas.

oops.

my girls are in the Christmas Eve service for our church.  Sugar didn't want the part of an angel, or Mary (Jesus' mama) nope, she wanted and got, the part of the donkey.  then i get a text saying that Spice is Mary and even as i type this i'm laughing so hard there are tears.  i don't know why it strikes me so funny, but it does.  they aren't speaking parts or anything (because the donkey could totally talk) but just the fact they're in a Christmas program at all is fabulous to me.  i feel so undeserving to be their mama.  yet so thankful i am.

pretty sure Spice is going to ruin it and run for the hills.  she's not so big on crowds or strangers or being more than three feet from me.

i'm happy it's nearly Christmas.  i'm happy i decided to do a Christmas break even though i hadn't planned to.  it's been nice to not feel rushed to get our school day done.  we've been baking and being lazy and baking.  yesterday was Snicker's fudge.  ohmuhwerd.  so ridiculously good.

are you ready for Christmas?  do eat breakfast first and then open gifts, or the other way around?

heavy hearted

Last night before bed I sat with my laptop and read through the names of the babies who were killed last Friday.  This was the second time I've read through the list.

I cannot think of these children and their families without losing it.

And those teachers.  So brave.

I shut down the laptop.  Closed it.

I turned off lamps and Christmas lights, locked our front door and did what I always do as the last thing before bed.

Walked quietly into the girls' bedroom.  Pulled covers over shoulders.  Brushed hair out of peaceful, sleepy faces.  Kissed baby foreheads.  And whispered in their ears that Mama loves them, ohh so much.

I stepped out of their room, dimmed the hall light and headed to my room.

Tears were flowing.

20 mamas and 20 daddies didn't get that privilege last night and my heart.  It aches.

I laid in bed sobbing.  Josh's arms around me.  He didn't say a word, just held me while I cried and prayed.

Since Friday I have prayed for these families.  For strength and peace.  For comfort.  For marriages to be strong, to make it through.  And then I've just said to God that I don't even know what these people need but asked Him to be so very present in their lives right now.

This mama's heart hurts but nothing in comparison to the hearts that hurt in Connecticut this night and every night from here on out.

Families in Connecticut, this mama in Washington lifts you up in prayer tonight.

Everything has its time

and right now is the time to weep and mourn. {Ecclesiastes 3:4}

My heart, my tears, my prayers have been with the families of the victims of Friday's tragedy.

Empty Envelopes

Tomorrow is payday and I cannot wait.

We're a two vehicle family (well, we actually have four at the moment, but let's not talk about that) and one is parked because it has no gas, and the other (my van) Josh coasted to work in this morning.

Super thankful that Josh works half a mile from home so that my van can run on fumes for him. :)

I was telling Josh the other night that I was frustrated that our envelopes were empty.  I was feeling like we failed our attempt at our budget.

He reminded me that we used the money in the gifts envelope for gifts (Chad's birthday) we used the grocery money for groceries, we had to buy gas, etc. etc.  We needed the money in those envelopes and used them accordingly.  We put $250 in savings from the last paycheck, and we also tithed 10% of his check.

The money wasn't blown or wasted or whatever.

We're down to the nitty gritty on groceries, but that's to be expected since the last time I went shopping was on November 16th.  Yikes.  (other than picking up some milk and cheese)

I'm already thinking we need to up our grocery budget.

I cancelled Netflix yesterday.  We just haven't been using it much, we grab a Redbox more often than we watch Netflix, so I'd just rather put $8 toward Redbox per month.

Josh told me last night that he's really liking how we're doing and that was so encouraging to me.

This morning we talked about Christmas presents and had agreed to spend $50 on each other.  After I figured out how his check will be dispersed tomorrow, I called him and told him I'd rather put that money in savings.  It won't be easy to not have presents to open on Christmas morning, but I had a great Christmas last year, and I'd much rather have a savings account than a present to open.  So we agreed to put the money in savings instead.

Yay for being a grown up.

I'll start doing budget and savings updates around the first of the month after this.

Life, it's not fair.

Last night we went to Trevor and Megan's for a birthday party for their youngest.  He's my future son-in-law and I love him dearly.

I don't necessarily love the fact I'll be stuck with Trevor for the rest of my life, but whatev.  You win some, you lose some. ;)

(kidding, Trevor...mostly)

The girls came home with two balloons apiece.

This morning one of Spice's balloons pops.  Immediately she's bawling.

"Iiit's not fair.  Jaylee has two balloons and I only have one.  She should give me one."

HOLD THE PHONE.

We don't do fair around these parts.  Sorry, children, Mama doesn't wanna set you up for disappointment, so let's just lay it out here real quick like.

Again.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

So I told my distraught four year old, "You can continue crying and nothing will change, you will still only have one balloon. OR, you can choose to work, make some money and buy your own balloons."

I will not raise my children believing that just because someone has more than they do that it isn't fair.  I will raise my children believing that if they want something, they need to work for that thing that they want.

Even if it's balloons.

Budget stuffs. Cutting out. Adding in. And the one thing I refuse to give up.

Yesterday I told you a little about how Josh and I have finally both agreed that we must get ourselves on a budget.

And stick to it.

That's the biggest thing.  Sticking to the blasted numbers.

Today I'll share a little about what we're changing so that we can start saving.

First to be cut out was our Starbucks addiction.  I'll be honest, a couple years ago I'd guess that we were spending nearly $300 a month on coffee.  (totally just heard and saw your jaw drop..I KNOW)  We've cut back just because over the last several months, but in the last few weeks we've cut it out almost completely.  We have gone from having Starbucks on a daily basis, to Starbucks one time per week.  On Saturdays.  Huge savings.  Huge.  And honestly, I don't miss it too much.  I've been enjoying my home brew, which is Starbucks dark roast from Costco.

The next thing I plan to do is, and this makes me slightly panicky, more so than giving up coffee, is to give up my iPhone.  I've tried this in the past.  I even tried it a couple of months ago.  I'm notorious for getting rid of my phone only to get it back again.  However, not only is that bad girl a money sucker, she's a life sucker as well.  I spend too much time playing with that thing and not enough time with my babes.  Hate admitting that, but there it is.

We're going to step up our giving. We've not been as faithful this year as we have been in the past.  Josh grew up tithing to church and we've done fairly well in doing that over the years of being married.  This last year, though, with switching churches, getting burned out, etc. we found ourselves not giving the way we're supposed to.  Both of us have felt terrible about this but resolve to do it different from this day forward.  We have found a church we're loving and have started giving again.  (side note, we're called to give whether we love the church we're in or not, however, we're finally there on a consistent basis making it easier to drop it in the box.)

I've cut back on our grocery spending.  Honestly since I haven't paid attention to the money coming in or going out, I couldn't tell you how much we were spending for groceries.  I'd guess near the $600 mark.  Ack.  Some of that is due to beer and coffee consumption because Starbucks is at Safeway and so is beer. :)  I've decided $300 cash for food for the month.  Gone are our weekly steak nights.  Boo.  We'll see how it goes...

We don't have cable or credit cards or car payments.  There's not much we can cut out.  We have Netflix for $8 a month but at this point we'll keep that.  I think the biggest thing I'm noticing is that I have envelopes designated to stuff.  Gifts.  Vehicles (tires, oil changes, etc) Clothing.  Things like that.  And there's money in those envelopes!

During the summer Josh puts in a lot of overtime.  I checked his most recent pay stub and found that he made a chunk of change just in overtime so far this year.  It made me sick to my stomach that we didn't stash that.  Instead we used it for things like eating out and coffee. And just stuff. Ugh.  Things that are not lasting.  We've decided to start adding his overtime to our savings.  Once a month if the company makes their numbers he'll get a commission of $120 added to his check. It's not a lot, and it's not a guarantee but we're going to put this in a separate savings for date nights and gas money.  If you know us at all, you know we like to drive.  I've said before that we try to get down to Portland to watch a game per season of my nieces and a beach trip as well with their fam.  These are things I just don't want to cut out.  Those girls are going to be grown and gone in no time (oh my heart hurts thinking about it) and while they still have school functions, I want to be there.  So, that small commission check will be going toward that and I'm thankful.

I'm excited for the changes in our hearts.  I've been so half-hearted about this stuff because I know that Josh was too.  This time, knowing he's all about it, has me pumped.  We can totally do this.  We can change.

And to help with accountability, I think I'll be writing about it once a month.  You're welcome.  ;)

It's high time we make grown up decisions and a budget is about as grown up as it gets

Over the years Josh and I have gone back and forth about budgeting.  We've budgeted and then we've not.  We've lived from paycheck to paycheck to having cash monies leftover when the next check showed up.

Recently Josh was telling me about one of the guys from another branch of his company.  He got hurt and was out of work for several weeks.  He had $17,000 in his savings account.  And thank goodness for it.  He ended up needing every penny.  Had he not had that emergency fund he could have lost his house, vehicles, etc.

It got me thinking.  Currently we only have a couple thousand dollars in savings.  If Josh were to be out of work for a month we'd barely scrape by on that.

What if had to be out of work longer than that?  Yes, I'd go out and apply for jobs but I wouldn't make much.  Definitely not enough to cover our monthly expenses.

We need a plan.

We need a savings.

We need a budget.

So we're doing it.  It's usually I make out the budget and Josh is like, "eh..." and so then I'm like, "eh..."  But this time we're both all in.

Other than our mortgage, we have no debt.  No credit cards, no car payments.  I'm thankful for that because we can get right to saving without having to pay off debt first.

Our first goal is to save about $15,000.  Seeing that huge number is freaking me out but I'm going to stay positive.  It's totally possible.  It's just going to take some time.  Probably two years.  Could be a little more. I'm sure if we were super hard core and only ate beans and rice for meals we could save a lot faster, but I really like food.  Lots of food.

It's only been 3 weeks but we've already saved over $500.  For a one income family, I feel this is pretty good.

I'm excited to finally, finally be making wise choices with our money.  I'm that girl that kicks herself over and over for poor decisions and I definitely do when it comes to money.  We've been extremely blessed by Josh's income and I've been such a bad steward of that money.  It's time to change that.

My kids are definitely driving me.  How can I teach them about money when I don't take care of my own?

Changes are being made.  I'll share more about those tomorrow.

Do you budget?  Do you not?  

If you or your spouse were out of work for several months, do you have a savings plan?

Chore Charts & Allowances for our Small Children

You guys had some great ideas on the post about chores and allowance.

Spice, about 1.5 yrs old.

I decided to sit down and write out the things the girls do (or need to do) daily.  This is what it looks like:

Sugar's Daily Chores (Sugar is 7)

Make bed.
Clean room.
Unload the dishwasher (this sometimes happens 3x per day!)
Feed the animals breakfast.
Sweep the bathroom floor.
Set the table for dinner.

Spice's Daily Chores (Spice is 4)

Make bed.
Clean room.
Unload the dishwasher.
Empty the bathroom garbage.
Feed the animals dinner.
Clear the dinner table.

Here is a breakdown of what they're required to do throughout the week:

For Sugar, along with her daily chores, her weekly chores look like this:

Monday:
Bring up the garbage can from the driveway.
Take out the kitchen garbage.

Tuesday:
Help Mama start laundry.
Help Mama fold laundry.
(Spice will put away)

Wednesday:
Take out kitchen garbage

Thursday:
Daily chores only

Friday:
Clean toilet
Help Mama put away laundry.
Take out kitchen garbage.

For Spice, along with her daily chores, her weekly chores look like this:

Monday:
Dust living room.
Vacuum entry carpet.

Tuesday:
Help Mama put laundry away.

Wednesday:
Vacuum entry carpet.

Thursday:
Daily chores only.

Friday:
Help Mama start laundry.
Help Mama fold laundry.
(Sugar will put away)
Clean bathroom sink.
Vacuum entry carpet.

So far I've only written this out on a sheet of paper (one time!) but plan to make a sticker chart.  They have to do the jobs whether they want to or not, but they will receive stickers when a job is completed with a happy heart.

If, at the end of the week, they have a full chart of stickers, they can pick a prize.

Redbox and popcorn night
Tea Party
30 minutes of televsion
Nintendo 64. (we're so old school)
Outing to the park
(i'm sure i'll think of more next to free prizes they can choose from)

Since I want them to learn about money, the saving, the giving, the spending - I've decided that there are certain jobs for which they can earn money.  Here are a few of those things:

Scooping the dog sh poop from our yard.  (no easy feat as there are four dogs who enjoy our yard for doing their bidness.)
Working on the rigs with their daddy.  Whether this is rotating tires, changing the oil, cleaning the inside or outside - this is a way they can earn money.
Yard work.  We have four lawns we take care of.  Our own, a widow down the road, Josh's parent's and his grandparent's lawn.  When we do work over there, if the girls should decide to help, they may earn money.
Every once in awhile my mother-in-law will ask me to clean her house for her for a few hours.  Usually I stick in a movie for the girls to watch or Josh's dad will take them on errands, but I've decided this is another way they can earn money.  If they decide to help rather than sit on their bums watching tv, they can pocket some cash.

At this point I'm not sure of the cash value of these jobs.  I want it to be enough that they'll be able to save for items they want without it taking three lifetimes to do so, but not so much that I'm killing my own bank account.

I'm really looking forward to implementing this with the girls and teaching them the value of hard work and hard work with a happy heart.  I pray that when they leave our home that they are hardworking women who know how to run a household, make money and know how to properly spend and save that which they've earned.

Work

Anonymous

Work while you work, 

Play while you play; 

This is the way

To be happy each day.

All that you do,

Do with your might;

Things done by halves

Are never done right.

Is paying your child for chores setting them up for disappointment as adults or a way to teach them the value of money?

Sugar spent the night with her cousin on Friday night.

I asked her if she had a good time and before I could even finish the sentence she says, "Sunshine has a chore chart, I want a chore chart!"

And that's basically all she's talked about since Saturday morning.

I've considered a chore chart for a couple of years now but I've never gotten serious about it.

My girls are already the primary dish washers and garbage taker-outers, and they help with laundry, vacuuming and dusting.  They also make their own beds and feed our animals.

Currently they are not getting paid for these things but are allowed to eat, sleep, and breathe here.

(As I type this I'm texting with my SIL and am thankful for her wisdom on the subject.)

The main reason I've struggled with whether or not to pay the girls for the help in running the household is because I fear it may be setting them up for disappointment.

I don't get paid for doing these things.  It is just part of running a home.

When they move out and take care of their homes are they going to expect that Mommy and Daddy are still going to pay them to take out the garbage?

On the flip side:

I want my girls to learn at an early age the value of hard work and the value of money.

So maybe an allowance and a chore chart is the answer?

However, what do I pay them for and what do I not?  Or do I pay them for everything but make the amount small so as not to break my own bank in allowance money?

This is where I ask for your advice, experience, and wisdom on the matters of chores and allowance.

What have you done or are currently doing with your child(ren) regarding chores and allowance? 

What has worked for your family?

What didn't work for your family?

I appreciate you taking the time to write your experiences with me.

Take THAT Christmas tree - I win this year, Yo

I'm not sure when the loathing of the Christmas tree began.

My earliest memories are watching my single mother try to saw the trunk (probably with a butter knife) and upright the tree in a stand only to watch her hours of effort come tumbling down.

Getting the Christmas tree wasn't something we necessarily looked forward to, it was just something we did because that's just something you do.  You know?

However, that's not the only reason I'm the world's biggest non-fan of the Christmas tree.  Let me try to explain.  (And after I explain you'll think I need to head to the nearest Strait-jackets R Us.)  Me telling you that the Christmas tree makes me feel claustrophobic does not make me sound normal.

Yet that's exactly how that freaking tree makes me feel every.single.year.

Claustrophobic.

The tree enters the house all while dropping needles along the way.

It's much larger than anticipated and (feels as though) it takes up the entire 15x17 living room.

It drops needles.

The cats are excited I brought in something for them to climb where it's warm.

It drops needles.

And the dog is excited that for a month he doesn't have to drink from the toilet, so I'm required to water the tree 37 freaking times per day.

Did I mention the needles that drop?

*shudder*

It makes me crazy.

(crazier)

This year I did the unthinkable and asked the husband for an artificial tree.  A fake tree.  Saying "artificial" is only to make those who buy those feel better.  But that's what it boils down to.  Fakery.  I hate fake trees but they're so pretty.  And you can find skinny ones that don't take up 15x17 living rooms!  And pre-lit too so you don't end up tangled in your tree while lighting it.

Not that that happens to me every year or anything.

(it so happens to me every year, I walk around the tree with the lights, get dizzy and end up becoming one with the tree.)

I was thinking the fake tree was my solution.  

Until I saw that I'd have to take out a second mortgage to purchase one.

Today I decided to get my craft on.  This isn't common as I am not a crafty person.  On Pinterest I even have a board called "Crafty Crap" because that is usually what something looks like after I have tried my hand at it.

But I decided I would not be daunted.

I would build myself a Christmas tree and one that would not send me running to the nearest padded room.

So I put on my sports bra (because that's when you know shiz 'bout to get serious) my jeans, scarf, hat and hoodie.  Oh, and a shirt.  I braved the area that is the husband's man cave and I found the handsaw.

The birch tree is near our iron fence, so I climbed three rungs, slipping only once, and wedged myself in the tree.  I started sawing away, one branch down and could hear a car slowing.  I look out and realize two cars have slowed down to watch me.  I am usually the people watcher but today I was the people watched.  No matter, carry on.  Two more branches that begged to come inside where it was warm.

I brought them in, washed them off, spruced (birched?) them up a bit (laugh, I'm funny!) and stuck them in a bucket that I picked up a few months ago alongside the road.  I put the bucket in the corner (Nobody puts Baby in a corner) and strung white lights all over 'er.  Only one Batman Band-Aid was used.

I'll wrap the bucket in burlap later, but here's the bad girl in all her glory:

So I found my own cure for the loathing of the Christmas tree.

No pills, therapy, or sacrificing of small animals required.

It's a Christmas miracle.

I went against everything my mother ever taught me and took candy from a stranger.

I saw Breaking Dawn last night.

But not with my sister.

I saw it with friends.  Friends I don't know super well but pretty sure I'm already in love with them.

(prefunk at Applebee's talking about giving birth, yoga pants, kids who cuss, and how different it is raising little boys to little girls)

We got to the theater and apparently they'd sold more tickets than they had seats, so the six of us were split up and some of us were put in folding chairs. It's possible the powers that be at the movie theater knew we were coming and planned this ahead of time.  

I got an end seat next to a guy didn't know.  He was with some friends and paid no attention to me when I sat down.

Hello, I don't like not being paid attention to.

So I put my arm around the back of his chair.  Uh huh.  I did.  And leaned as close to him as I could.

Still he paid no attention to me.  Eh.  Whatev.  I kept my arm around him anyway.  Even pretended I was going to rub his back a couple of times when he leaned forward - but I refrained.  I promise.

He finally acknowledged me and I commented on his candy choice.  Reese's Pieces.

I told him I hadn't seen Reese's Pieces in a long time.

So he shared his with me.  Yes.  Yes, he did.

At one point one of his friends asked me if I was Team Edward or Team Jacob.  

"Team Jacob, duh.  Because who likes a white guy?"  They laughed and gave me knuckles.

(Taylor Lautner is white, btw, according to Google. But plays a Native American in the movie)

The movie was fun.  

My friends, the ones I showed up with and my new one, Ricardo, were what made my night, though.

Good. Times.

Pay before ya Graze: The Follow Up

Based on the comments I received via my FB status, emails sent, and the comments on my pet peeve post, I'd say it was pretty evenly split on how people felt about grazing on food in the grocery store before they purchased it.

Some do it.

Some don't.

Others just don't care.

None of the ideas presented to me in favor of eating unpaid for food changed my mind about thinking it's okay to do it.

Until Josh's idea.

"Maybe it'd make your trips to Wal*Mart bearable if you opened a 6 pack while you shopped and paid for it once you got to the register."

The man's a genius.

Done.

Pet Peeve #975 Grocery store snackers

Last night I ran into Wal*Mart {shudder} to grab some beer and frozen food and a RedBox.

(Considered getting my hair cut and oil changed too but honestly I'd rather shove bamboo shoots up my fingernails than be in that store any longer than I hafta.)

While I'm in line with my goods, there are two women in front of me with a 2-3 year old little boy in the cart. He has an opened package of Funyuns.

An opened, unpaid for package of Funyuns.

{shudder}

I see this often.

More often than I like.

And I'm sorry if this is something you do, I'm not trying to offend anyone at all.

But maybe you haven't thought about it, it's just something your mom did and her mom before her.

I just don't think it's right.  Why?

Because that's not your food yet.  

I get it. You intend to purchase it, but at this point, while you're walking around the grocery store munching away, it's not yours.

"But I'm going to pay for it!"  You argue.

Right.

But let's say you get to the register and the cash you thought you had isn't there?  Or your debit/credit/EBT card doesn't work?  And you just happen to be outta checks too.

You've already eaten the food and now you can't pay.

Uh.  Now what?

Maybe you've never had an issue.  You always have a way to pay for the food you've already eaten.

Honestly, I don't think it matters.  You're still eating something that isn't yet yours.

And that's just not right.

Pay before ya graze, folks.  Pay before ya graze.

Do you eat food in the grocery store before you've purchased it?  Do you wait?  What are your thoughts?

sometimes the mess isn't so beautiful

The 2012 election is over.

I sat on the couch with my phone, laptop, and the television.  I ignored my family while I watched the results.  There wasn't a sense of panic this election the way I had four years ago.  I think because just a few days before the election I re-read my post from four years ago and Josh's words from that day were a comfort to me.  That God is our ultimate Commander in Chief.  So who am I to worry?

As I re-read that post I saw my own heart.  My faith.  Four years ago it was so much stronger than it is today.  I hate admitting that.

But it's the truth.

Four years ago I read my bible more.  Not much more, but now my daily reading is Sunday reading as I'm in church.  Four years ago I applied Sunday's sermon with my day to day.  Now I listen to the sermon half-heartedly and find myself thinking about what to put on the grocery list and, will Josh stop at Starbucks on the way home without me asking or not.

Over the last couple of  years I have made some positive changes to my life.  But I've made negative changes as well and isn't it funny how negative can outweigh positive?  No, it's not funny.  Yet it's how it's working in my life at the moment.

You're probably reading this and wondering what the heck.  That's okay.  I'm mostly writing to get all these thoughts outta my head that have been making me crazy.  Crazier.

The other day I was so frustrated.  My heart hurt so badly.  I threw my phone across the room and dented the wall.

And then I wept.  Not for the wall.  Or my phone.  But because I just needed to let my heart spill through tears.

I'm really mature for 32.  Obvs.

I get so frustrated with myself.  I am this mess of a girl.

I love my husband and I adore my sweet baby girls.

I love my mom and my word how I love my sisters even when they don't speak to me.

I would not be the person I am without the amazing friends God has blessed me with since I was 14 years old and moving to yet another new school.

I have rockstar in-laws, that if not for them, sometimes I feel as if I would have no family at all.

The biggest area where I'm so frustrated with myself is that I love Jesus but to meet me now or just a couple of years ago, I wonder if you'd even know that.

I'm failing all the people I've listed above.

I tell God that today's the day.  Today I live for Him.  Today I'll do it different.  And days will go by and we're tight.  We're good.  And then I screw up and I when I screw up I don't mess around, I screw up big.  And I wonder how on earth I can train these girls of mine when here I am.  Like this.

With tears and snot running down my face while I type this, two sets of innocent eyes are looking up to me and asking, "Mama, why are you crying?"

I don't want to worry them.

So I'm going to go snuggle them.

Thanks for letting me lay out my heart.

If you're looking for me, I'm the girl struttin' my stuff.

Last night I took myself on a date.

I went to the mall and to Target.

And I spent a lot of money.  And I have no remorse.

Which is the first miracle.

Second miracle is one of the things I bought.

In high school I had a certain boyfriend who would often refer to me as "perky" and he wasn't talking about my attitude.  (such a nice thing for a boy to call his girlfriend, no?)

Because back in high school they were perky.

Were as in past tense.

As in they aren't perky anymore.

Amazing what nursing a coupla kids for a year can do.  I'd trip over them if I wasn't careful.

Last night I went into Victoria's Secret and I found this miracle bra.  It's a push-up bra.

I've seen them before but there's all this padding in there and I really just don't need anymore boobage so I've never tried one on, assuming it was going to make me look like Dolly Parton.  Friends!  Had I known that the padding doesn't make you any bigger, just boosts the bosom, I'da bought these years ago!

I put the bra on.  Then I put on my shirt and I was pretty taken with myself.

Hmm.

Not too shabby for Sarah!

So yeah.  I'm all perked again.  Totally can't tell that my boobs normally hang below my belly button.  I'm stoked.  Pretty sure I'll never buy any other bra again.

Apparently she views this place as a prison?

This morning during school I was talking to the girls about safety.  Sugar's health book is so old that it says to pick up the phone and dial '0' in an emergency.  I didn't read that part to her but I laughed out loud when I read it to myself.

I totally picture a rotary phone too.

Anyway, I ask the girls what number they need to call in an emergency,

Sugar: 911

Me: And when they ask your location, what do you say?

Spice: In jail.

I couldn't get through these school days without her.  She makes them fun.  She makes them memorable.

Friday Random

i did not wake up to a dead, headless bird this morning.

i'm getting the silent treatment.

i went to Portland on Wednesday with amber and my kids.  we were in Portland for a whole 2 hours.  it was a fun, quick trip.  and we ended up in a neighborhood where we were pretty sure we were going to end up in a dumpster.  but the address was right.  and we didn't die.  so that's a plus.

today is my mom's birthday.  it's so weird to not celebrate with her.  1,000 miles separates us.  when i'm rich i'm totally going to own my own plane.

i don't love that it's cold outside but i sure do love the fall with all its beautiful colors.

i wonder if it's possible to have a healthy, functional, happy family.  like when everyone is all grown up and gone.  do families love each other and talk to each other and take care of each other?  do they get together and everyone plays nice?  because i want that for my little family of four.  i want my girls to be best friends as adults.  i want them to love their brothers-in-law.  i want my girls to want to hang out with josh and me.  i want to go to their homes and love on them and their kids and then shove them outta the house so they can go on dates with their husbands while josh and i take care of our grandkids.  josh and i talk about it often.  we're trying to cultivate these relationships with our kids now.  and our prayer is for a happy, healthy adult family.

the colors in my kitchen make me happy.

my curtains in my living room make me happy.

my empty starbucks cup hurts my heart.

sugar bought a tattoo at the grocery store yesterday.  she wanted it on her right calf.  just like her mama.  i'm so proud.  pretty sure she'll be getting a tattoo as soon as she's 18.  i'll be right there cheering her on.

josh asked if i was going to pierce my nose now that i'm not going to get dreads.  he hates nose piercings but said he figured he'd have to give somewhere.  i thought i'd make it a goal to lose another 7 lbs, putting me at 115 and then i'd go get the piercing.  but honestly, i have zero desire to lose any more weight and i've been at 122 for over a year.  might just go get the piercing.

okay, i need to get lunch made.  this randomness is over.

you're welcome.

It's so nice when someone else makes breakfast. Except when it's the cat.

This morning, at my bedside was my seven year old wearing gloves.

And holding a dead bird.  A dead, headless bird.

Sugar (7): "Mama, I didn't do anything.  But Ruby brought this bird in the house and there are feathers all over.  Oh, and it doesn't have its head.  Can we bury it?"

Spice (4): "Hey, remember that bunny that peed on you?  We buried him too."

Me (32):  much laughter.

Sugar: "So what's for breakfast?"

I'm thinking bird.  Bird is what's for breakfast.

Knowing when to say when.

Nearly two years ago my husband got this amazing idea to move our staircase over in order to make our kitchen larger.

I love to cook.  We both love to eat.

And invite people over.

However, my small kitchen made it difficult to entertain more than a couple of people at our small dining table.

So when Josh told me his idea, I liked it, definitely.  But I thought he had gone crazy.  Move the staircase?  Really?

Yes, really.  So he and his best friend Jim went to work moving our stairs.  (Jim's a huge life saver!)  Stairs have been moved for quite some time.  My kitchen is twice the size it was and it's now much easier to invite a crowd over.

We have room enough for everyone.

But.

(you knew that was coming, right?)

But even though the stairs have been moved and my peninsula thingy (not quite an island) is built, my drywall is up, the room has not been finished.

For two years I have looked at bare drywall.  It's driving me crazy.  Crazier, perhaps.  Drywall is one of those jobs that just sucks.  I can do it.  Josh can do it.  We both hate it.  So instead of just tackling it, we've put it off and put it off.

I finally asked Josh last Saturday if I could hire someone to just finish the drywall.  At first he didn't like the idea.  He wanted to be the one to finish the job.  I understood but pointed out that if we hired it done, it'd get done much faster and then he could focus on other projects that he actually wants to do.

So he agreed.

And the heavens rejoiced.

My friend Tommy showed up a couple of days ago, busted out some drywall moves and in no time I'm going to be able to texture and paint this room.

My countertop still needs to be glued down, there's still a cabinet to build for my double oven, and a 6" cupboard that needs to be built, but the biggest headache for us, the drywall, is just about done.

By the end of the day that part of this two year project will finally be complete.

While difficult to hand over part of this project to someone who hasn't been a part of this on-going kitchen saga, it was just time.  It was time to say when.

And it's been the best money I've ever spent.

hard parenting moment. hard kid moment.

During school on Monday of last week, in Sugar's Health book she learned a little about mistakes.  That everyone makes them.

And that sometimes we can fix them and sometimes we cannot.

We didn't know that it was a foreshadowing of the next day's events.

The girls and I had gone to TC for an appointment, I had planned to run several errands after the appointment but due to the pain I was in from my wisdom teeth extraction and the events at a certain store, we didn't run more than the one errand.

I wanted to stop at Craft Warehouse to load up on art supplies.  We're putting goods in the cart, I'm on the phone with Josh telling him how the appointment went and then we check out and head home.

It's a 45 minute drive home and we're half way into the drive home when I look in the rear view mirror and see Spice (4) hand a little colored pebble to Sugar (7).  A colored pebble that I know does not belong to us.

"Where did that come from?" I asked.

"Sugar got it."  Spice pipes up.

Both girls look sheepish.

The pebble came from the craft store.

I didn't buy a pebble while I was there.

"Sugar, did you take that pebble?"

"Yes.  It was on the floor."

I told her that that didn't matter.  It wasn't ours.  We didn't pay for it.  I explained to her that she stole it.  She took something that was not hers.  And that she had to return it.  Her eyes got panicky.  Then the tears started to flow.

We were 20 miles from the craft store.  25 from home.  And I just so wanted to be home.

But going home wasn't nearly as important as the life lesson we were about to experience.

We took the next exit on the freeway and turned around.  As we drove back to the store I explained to her that when we got there we would go inside, she'd have to ask to see a manager and tell them what she did.

She cried the whole way back to the store and kept telling me she couldn't do it.

I explained that she wouldn't be alone.  That I'd be right there with her.  I asked if she remembered how we learned about mistakes.  She nodded.  I told her that just like the book said, sometimes we can fix our mistakes and that this was one of those times.  She could right her wrong by confessing what she did and giving back the pebble.

It was a long walk across the parking lot.

We entered the store, asked for a manager and when he approached she thrust out her hand and said, "I stole this."

I asked if she had anything else she'd like to say.

"I'm sorry."

The guy was kind.  He thanked her for giving it back.  I asked him if there was anything else we needed to do and he shook his head.

We left the store and Sugar burst into tears again.

"Mama, Mama, I'm so sorry I did that."  I hugged her and told her I forgave her.

It wasn't easy going back in there.  For either of us.  I had a kid who stole something, what does that say about me as a parent?  And she had to confess to a grown up that she had taken something that wasn't hers.

Later I sent my mom a text.  I thanked her for that day when I was little and had taken candy from the store and she made me take it back.  I realized last week how hard that must have been for her to do.  But I'm so thankful she did.

Being a kid is tough.  Being a parent is tougher still.

to know my husband, is to be blessed by him

This post is just a glimpse into the heart of the man I'm married to...on his 35th birthday.

He likes to take care of everyone, do anything for anybody and fly under the radar while he's at it.

You hear the expression, "he'd give the shirt off his back" and you kinda take it as a metaphor.

My husband would literally give the shirt off his back if someone needed it.  He'd give anything he had if it meant he was helping someone.

Who pulls his semi over in northern California during the winter time to help two women on the side of the road?

That'd be Josh.

One time we were headed to a friend's house to help them move and on the way there was a girl broke down on the side of the freeway.  She was from Seattle, she was four hours from home.  Josh loaded her and car up, we took her to our house for the night and took her and her car home the next day.

Who works a 14 hour day, comes home and gets on the floor to play CandyLand with his four year old?

Mhm...Joshua.

Another time Josh was over the road in his semi he came upon a guy his age in California.  The guy was from Seattle and had left his wife and four stair-step kiddos 4 and under.  Josh brought him to our house (we live in WA) gave him work, food and then reunited him with his family.

Who takes my crazy Pinterest ideas and puts them to action in the form of a swing outside?

My husband.

The neighbor kids come here when they have flat tires on their bikes, can't start their lawnmower, and once last summer one of them had a nail in his foot - asked Josh if he would take it out.

Our neighbors got in a car accident a few years ago and their Suburban had to be in the shop for a couple of months.  So Josh gave them our '99 Suburban to use for as long as they needed.

Josh has always told me that though we don't have a ton, what we do have he feels blessed with and that there's no point in having the things we do if we're not going to use them to serve and help others.

There are countless stories of the ways he's taken care of his family, his friends and strangers.

I'm beyond blessed by Josh.  I think anyone who knows him would say they are too.

If you wanna share something about Joshua, please feel free to leave a comment or email me.  It'll totally embarrass him but what a fun birthday present, huh?  Way better than the tools I got him for sure.

Dreadlocks Saga

Saturday night I woke up around 2 in the morning and could not go back to sleep until 5.

Three hours awake with oneself in the middle of the night and you can solve a lot of the world's problems.

At least my little world's problems.

Of the 5,273 things I thought about in that amount of time, a conversation from a couple of years ago between Josh and me came to mind.

Me: What was the first thing you noticed about me when we met?

Him: Your hair.  I really liked your hair.

And it was in that moment I realized I couldn't do dreads. (cue sigh of relief from about 99% of you)

Josh has basically resigned himself to the dreadlocks.  But has never been supportive of the idea, and why would he?  His favorite physical feature of mine is going - in his mind - to look nasty.

I laid there thinking, "but it's my hair. MY HAIR."  

So I thought about my favorite physical feature of Josh's.

His hands.

{his back and those muscles on his back are a very close second}
{oooh, and his arms.}

I have always loved his hands.  The nails are clipped just right but there is always, always grease under them.  The lines in his hands are dark.  And no matter how much he washes them, they always look worked.

They are rough, man hands.

And what if one day he decided to mar (and that seems such a strong word to use but best describes his feelings toward the dreads) his hands in such a way, because it was something he wanted to try out, resulting in my not liking them?

It would hurt my heart.

I have hurt that man's heart enough in our years of marriage.  Sometimes accidentally.  Sometimes purposefully.

I'm done hurting his heart on purpose.

For once I'm going to put his thoughts and feelings ahead of my own and I'm going to leave my hair alone.

Am I sad?  You bet.  But I'd feel worse doing something that made Josh sad.

I'm so over surgery

I had surgery in 2007.  Twice.  Within two weeks of each other.

Then I had surgery in 2011.

And then I had surgery last week.  Last week's was just the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth but let me tell ya, it's been a doozie.  I'm kind of over going under anesthesia and the knife.

I had to have all four removed.  Only one was through about 60%.

The rest were cut and dug out.

Three have healed just fine.  One, though, has been trying to kill me.

I went to Tri-Cities on Tuesday for an appointment and was going to do my grocery shopping and run errands but it was cut short due to the pain I was in, I just couldn't focus on the tasks I needed to get done.
Then I wake up yesterday morning and was actually in tears because the pain was so intense.  Josh looked at me and said that I looked like the times I've come out my big surgeries.  Death.

I have a high tolerance to pain but this has been getting to me.  I ended up taking two of my pain meds throughout the day yesterday (none today, I'm toughing it out).  This morning I called my dentist to see if he could see me and tell me if I've messed something up in there.

Bless his heart he took the time to see me.

Thankfully, everything looks great.  I'm thinking it's the lack of "taking it easy" that the oral surgeon prescribed me.

How does a mother ever just "take it easy"? It isn't possible.  Not really.

But yesterday I basically did nothing.  Today I didn't do much either.  We've gotten school done and have managed to keep the kitchen clean.  Everything else has pretty much gone to pot.

So, you're welcome to come over, just pretty please bring dinner, some alcohol and clean my house while you're here.

The day we moved our deck.

This post deserves pictures.  Lots of pictures.  But I currently don't have any.  So you get words.  And it's early and I haven't had a full cup of coffee and there will probably be even more run on sentences than normal.

Josh didn't have to go to work yesterday because he has to work Saturday.  We were talking about all the things we needed to get done or wanted to get done for the day and for some reason I blurted out, "I wish our deck was on the east side of the house, so I can have a front porch."

Many of you know, but some of you may not, my issues with front doors.  I like to know where the door is of every place I'm going to.  Houses, places of business, etc.  So when we looked at this place 13 years ago, one of the biggest complaints I had was that when you pull up you don't really know where the front door is. I've seen people walk all the way around our house to the backyard and come up to the back door before.

I hate that feeling when I'm that person looking for the door.

Side note: Last week I was meeting friends for Monday Night Football, I was going to be a few minutes late and I get a text saying, "in the bar, first table on the right when you walk in."

This is a friend who gets my issues.  I laughed at the text but was so thankful.

(side note was just to show how awesome my friends are and to help you understand my issues.)

Back to the door at our house.

Our front door faces east.  Faces a carport.  When you pull up to our house, you see the north side of it (but you're facing south) so you don't see the front door.  And there's not really a porch so you just can't tell where you're supposed to go.

It drives me crazy.

Plus, no porch to decorate all cute and welcoming.

So I blurt out that I want our deck on the other side of the house and Josh grabs his tape measure and says it'll fit.

And seven hours, some ratchet straps, jack stands, a flatbed trailer, and a whole lot of head scratching later, it's moved around our house.  It was dark when we finally got it to the front of the house so the neighbors didn't see it last night.  Can't imagine what they're going to think in a few minutes when they head outside to leave for work and our deck is sitting in our driveway on the flatbed.

It's hilarious.

And so redneck.

I love that Josh just does.

I love that he can do anything.

I love that any idea I give him, any dream I have about our house, he makes it happen.

Yes, we have a kitchen that needs to be finished.  Yes, we have two rigs in our driveway with engine issues. Yes, there's a whole lot of other stuff that could have been done yesterday.

We just chose to do something else instead.  And I've found when Josh has a break from what he has to do, to do something he wants to do, it energizes him.  It pumps him up for the projects he knows he needs to get done.

So the kitchen and the engines, they got pushed back a day, but he'll get to those too.

While I decorate my new front porch.