I don't want to be White Bread

You ever just have one of those days where you compare yourself to everyone around you? I am so having one of those times. And lately it's been about my faith. I feel that all other women around me are more faithful, more spiritual.

More connected to the Lord than I am.

I don't like feeling this way. And to warn you, this post is a total venting on my part and I'm really sorry.

I love blogs. I am embarrassed to say that I will often spend an hour a day reading other women's blogs. I compare mine to theirs and so many times have thought of deleting mine because it just doesn't measure up to all the others. The other day I found a new one to read. And I just fell in love with this girl. She's close to my age but has the wisdom of someone closer in age to my mother.

She's the epitome of a helpmeet to her husband. She is frugal. She is loving. She's an encourager to not only her man but all the women who read her blog. I felt so inferior and I'm sure it'd grieve her to know that because I know that's not her intention. I plan to continue reading her blog so that I can gain some of the knowledge she's handin' out!

A woman spoke to my mom several years ago about the "White Bread" church she used to attend and my mom didn't quite understand what she meant. She later asked my aunt and my aunt told her that white bread contains no nutrients. It's not filling.

We were talking about it a couple of days ago and yesterday it hit me.

I have a White Bread blog. I just ramble. About a bunch of junk half the time. I'd love to hand out doses of wisdom while making you laugh and keep ya comin' back for more but at this point in my walk, I'm just not there. It'd be so easy to get down about it. Depressed. But I've resolved that I'm not going to. I'm going to continue my blog but I'm also going to be more open about my faith. It's not much right now.

That's for darned sure.

But I want to grow. And as I learn, I hope to share with you my heart.

Did you know

I used to live in a fifth wheel trailer?

Yup, I did.

My 8th grade year. You know the saying, "What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger." This is one of those things. While it sucked living through it, it is now one of my favorite stories to tell. Most of the time no one believes me. My mom asked me the other day...

"Does it embarrass you to talk about it?"

"Heck, no, I love it."

And I do. It's funny. I'm sure for her, as a single parent of three daughters, it was probably one of the worst times of her life. However, we were young and quite resilient.

Wanna hear a lil about it? Okay, good. Be prepared.

This fifth wheel was old. And I mean old. Not one of those fancy shmancy kinds with plumbing or a microwave or heat or any of those frivolous items. It had a bathroom, just not plumbed for water.

There was a little stove where my mom was able to make us Helper Helper. I believe I've told you about that before. Helper Helper is Hamburger Helper without the hamburger. Meats expensive, don'tcha know?

Remember the old Halloween buckets from McDonald's that were orange with the black scary face?

Yep, that was the bathroom.

We had an upstairs, well, it consisted of two stairs leading to the bed my mom and I shared. I don't think we could sit up all the way without hitting our heads.

My sisters slept on the benches where the table was and during the night one of them (usually Meg) would usually fall off and hit the floor.

Okay, there was heat or there was supposed to be heat. It was propane and the pilot light would constantly blow out, so we'd most often wake up with it being about 17 degrees in the trailer.

Our trailer was parked in my aunt's driveway and we were allowed to shower there but that was it and we were usually afraid to do that, so, I'm thinking hygiene wasn't at the top of our list.

It was some of the most awful times we've been through but I remember laughing and having fun. I remember my mom trying to make everything special. I remember that even though it was chaos, we had a routine. I remember that we put FUN in dysfunctional.

Even though we weren't yet attending church or following the Lord, He saw us through. He provided the next place to live. Which is another post altogether.

Times get bad, man. They do. But He's never farther than our next prayer.

Hope you got a chuckle out of one of my favorite memories. I need to have my sisters write their version, they remember so much better than I do even though they were younger. If I ever get them to do it, I'll post their story.

Have a good one!

And the Award Goes Tooooo....

Treena. My sister in law. She had my child for five days!!! I didn't ask her to take her, she offered. She picked Jaylee up on Sunday and as they drove home, Jaylee threw up. Bugger. And then while there, Jaylee gets a yummy runny nose, which is Treena's absolute favorite thing in the world!!! (Please note the sarcasm.)

She brought her home to me today and she's all in one piece, happy as can be. While it was hard to have her gone it was so relaxing knowing that she was with Treena and her family. They love Jaylee and she loves them.

Treena, I love ya! I can't legally say you're my favorite SIL, but you are my favorite oldest SIL. :) Thank you for taking care of Jaylee. I appreciate it more than I could ever tell you.

Here's to you!!!

Jaylee's Home!!!!

Oh how sweet it is! I am such a happy Mama right now.

My husband came home from work for a few minutes just so he could see her. That warmed my heart to know he was just as excited as I was to have her home. She is a daddy's girl, so it shouldn't surprise me, but it was sweet to see that he took time out his busy schedule to let her know he missed her and was glad to have her home.

She's napping right now but once she gets up we're going to go out and play in the beautiful sunshine.

Today is a great day for up!!!

Twiddling My Thumbs

Only five more weeks of recovery and then I'm allowed to go back to my normal routine of things. Whatever that may be. Besides Jaylee being gone, I realize the thing I miss the most is not being allowed to vacuum. I love to vacuum. Not really sure why but I do. Growing up we did most of the household chores on Saturday mornings. Once a week we'd vacuum. Didn't know you could do it more than that.

But you can!

And I do! Probably every other day or so. I looked on Photobucket for a vacuum picture and found this. Loved it, too funny!

I went in for an appt. today and the doc asked me what I'm not doing that I'd like to be able to do.

"Vacuum."

He tells me that if I did that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. Most of the time (like when I'm not all surgeried up) that would be an okay thing, I like my bed, however, I realize I like to do laundry. I like to wash dishes. I like to clean the bathroom.

I don't work outside the home, these things are what I do to be a helper and I'm not being a helper!!!

But don't you worry, I'm sure in five weeks when I'm given the green light to do these things....

I won't want to do them.

Well bugger

I totally messed up my link to my mom's blog over on the left. So, if you've tried to go there and couldn't, I fixed the ol' problem. I feel sheepish.

She's just started her blog. Hasn't quite got around to posting on a regular basis but I love what she has written. The woman kills me. She's hilarious. And pretty insightful. We've definitely had our times when I'd like to kill her (and I'm sure she could say the same) but for the most part I love her like a fat kid loves chocolate cake. Speaking of my sister...oh! Just kidding, Meg, I love you!

Anyway, check out my mom's blog over there on the left.

Maybe it's just me

But a few months ago I got really tired of this:

Dear Lord, thank You for today, thank You for my family, for my life. Hmm, did I get the clean clothes out of the dryer...Oh, sorry Lord. Please be with my husband today while he's on deliveries. Lord, please enable me to be the mama you want me to be for Jaylee. Hmm, did I put butter on my grocery list? Oh, sorry again, Lord. Jesus, if You could also just give me strength to get all my chores done today and give me a merry heart about it. Hmm, what should I make for dinner....

Have you done this? Do you do this? Is it just me?!

I've sort of remedied myself of it. How? I started writing my prayers in a journal, not a fancy journal, just a lil notebook that cost less than a buck. I date it at the top of the page and then I write out my prayers to the Lord. Writing my prayers has really helped me to focus on my prayer time, and not on the stuff that I feel I "should" be getting done. And I love to go back and read past entries to see how the Lord has worked in my life and the lives of my friends and family in just the last few months of doing this.

So, I just thought I'd share that random bit of information with ya, in case you get lost in your own thoughts while trying to spend time with the Lord.

Have a wondeful Wednesday!

I love 'em.

Just love 'em. Need more. I only have two pair at the moment and neither pair is "oh my goodness, can't wait to wear those!" Not at all.

Myspace Layouts


Thinking I need to find some more pairs. Lots more. Anyone know of good, cheap places to find some flips?

There will be no Picture

It's too ugly. And I wouldn't want any of you to quit stopping by because I showed you my very swollen, very ugly belly. So, I'll just tell you I measured my scar and it's 6 inches long. Wow! It's healing quite nicely now. Still a little sore but I'm doing better. It's been easy not to over do it the last couple of days because Jaylee is gone. :(

My SIL has her. My SIL is the greatest, she truly is, but I miss my baby!! I don't remember what I did before I had her. She left Sunday morning and Josh and I are at a loss. I asked him if we could go visit.

"Drive 3 hours to visit her and then come home?" He asks me and for a moment it looked like he was pondering it himself.

"Uh huh" I tell him. "It's not that far."

He left the room.

Guess that meant no.

Our house is quiet. There's no baby in her crib in the morning, yelling, "HI!" when we first wake up and there is no baby to put to bed in the evening. I miss hearing her say, "amen" after we pray with her. I miss the cheesy grin she's started giving us. I miss the randomness of out of nowhere she comes running and grabs my legs to hug me.

Sigh...

She'll come home on Friday and I'm sure by Saturday I'll be wanting to send her back.

But for now I miss her.

I'm Home and Cancer Free!!!

How good is the God we serve? There just aren't words to describe how thankful I am. I'm already a lil tired from climbing the stairs to get to the computer, so my post will be short. But I wanted to give you an update.

On the 16th I went in for a Right Colectomy. They took the right half of my colon and 41 lymph nodes. I was just released yesterday.

My doctor came in and talked to me a bit and said, "I've saved the best news for last. Your report came back. All lymph nodes were clear."

I didn't realize until he said those words how worried I must have been, because I just started bawling. And while I was crying, I heard these sweet words, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." The sweetest words from my Father. It was such a comfort. Such a relief.

My first thought when I found out I had cancer was, "I won't get to see my baby grow up."

My first thought when he told me I no longer have cancer was, "I'm going to see my baby grow up."

I love Jesus. I'm so thankful to Him for allowing me to have appendicitis so my tumor was able to be found. I feel so loved.

Be prepared, I'm going to post a picture here soon of my scar. Not only is the scar not pretty (but I still like it) you'll see my flabby, stretch-marked belly. :) But, heck, I don't really care. I just wanna show ya my "bad boy" 'cause it really is pretty awesome.

Thank you to everyone who's been praying for my family and me. Life is good.

God is good.

Well, if I'd have known earlier...

Okay, remember my dilemma on the whole modesty issue? Well, maybe if I'd been more modest all my life, I wouldn't have cancer!


You know I'm kidding, right? Couldn't pass this up though, too funny.

If I have to have Chemo

I'm gonna be a lil ticked. Why? I just got my hi-lites in my hair done. If I spent that kinda money just to have it fall out, yeah, I'm gonna be mad. :)

Went to Wal Mart today. Yes, I know...I don't like Wal Mart, but I had to stock up on some magazines for my hospital stay. I bought the new People magazine (Brad Pitt is on the cover), Martha Stewart, and a couple home improvement ones. Later today I'll go to the thrift stores and find some trashy romance novels for .25 to keep me company as well. Yep, that's a good idea. Trashy romance novels to get me all hot and bothered. 'Cause I'm sure I'll get to be doing that real soon after my surgery...

I'm going to ask my doctor if he can take some excess fat along with my colon, and I've heard you don't need your spleen, so I'll ask him to take that, too, you know in case it weighs a bunch. I'm going into this weighing 135, hoping to come out of it 115. hehehe, we'll see if that happens.

Hey, a girl has to have something to look forward to.

How do I say this?

Well, once again, I'll be going on a little blogger hiatus. Thursday will be my last post for awhile.

I didn't know if I should post about this, since alot of people will read about it before I get in touch with them by phone. But, here goes...

Today, I went in to have my stitches looked at from my appendectomy. They tell me everything looks great, I'm ready to jump off the table and head home. The doctor says, "let's sit down and talk."

Well, that's never a phrase ya wanna hear. Geesh.

He proceeds to tell me that it's a blessing I had appendicitis. I'm thinking, "buddy, ya ever had it? 'cause I didn't like it much and I sure wasn't thinking it was a blessing." But I refrained.

He continues to tell me that when they removed my appendix, they found a tumor. A small one, about the size of an olive. It's malignant. And even though I know what malignant means, I asked what it meant.

"It's cancer."

Alrighty then.

I wanted to be tough. I wanted to be stoic. But, I'll be honest with you. I wasn't. My first thought was morbid. My first thought was, "I won't get to see my baby grow up." And I started to cry. I tried so hard not to. Even now, by myself, typing this, I'm trying not to, but it's real hard not to. 'Cause honestly, I'm scared.

On Friday at 9:30 I'll have surgery to remove the right half of my colon. I'll be in the hospital a minimum of 5-7 days. Yuck! I was in for only two days from my appendectomy and it drove me nuts. I cannot imagine how it'll be for that long!

There's good news. Jesus is so good. My doctor was right. If I'd not had appendicitis, this tumor would have grown and it may have been years before they found it. It may have been too late. So, just know, wherever you are in life and no matter what junk is going on, Jesus is good. He so is.

More good news. You know how I always talk about how I'm overweight? Well, I can't eat from Thursday until Tuesday. Seriously. I'm gonna lose weight! Plus, I wonder what 2 feet of my colon weighs! I'm hoping for about 20 lbs. :)

Please pray for my family. I worry about the toll this will take on my husband and daughter. My doctor said I'll be down for about six weeks. That's quite a long time.

I called my sister Erica, and she says, "is this like the time you told me Megan got hit by a bus?" She didn't believe me, I may have told her a few white lies growing up.

Later my mom and I were talking and I said something stupid and she tells me to "knock it off, or I'll kick you in the cancer."

Yep, that's how we roll.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know. Thanks for letting me get that out there. Feels good to write it and I'll keep you up to date as much as I can.

A Trip in the 'Possum

Rembember the story of the 'Possum?

Well, Melissa, my friend from my last post, came over. We decided to head to Yakima for a little shopping and dinner. But nothing with Melissa and me can ever be so simple. Let's have a little background on Melissa and me, then I'll tell you the story of our trip.

Melissa and I met almost 13 years ago. We attended church together and went to the same high school. We were good friends.

Then Melissa stole my boyfriend, my Sophomore, her Freshman year of high school. Yes, stole him! My "first love" or so I thought at the time. Okay, maybe she didn't steal him. Maybe I kinda liked another boy so my boyfriend and I broke up. But then she starting going out with him just mere daaays after we broke up. So, I felt like she stole him...

Even though, technically she didn't. But we're not getting technical.

So, she stole him.

Man, I thought I was over it...

Anywho, somehow, even after I wrote her a nasty note we made it through. We were still friends.

Melissa lived pretty close to the high school. Not across-the-street close, but close. One day, I decided to test my reverse skillz. Yes, skillz.

Melissa's all for it. So, we leave the high school and reverse all the way to her house. I even stopped at a stop sign with my trunk where my hood should be. Backward. All the way to her house. If I remember correctly we almost hit a bush but other than that, I'm a pro in reverse!

A few years down the road, after her and Trevor broke up and I was married to Josh, Melissa and I were driving around at night in a new development of housing. She had to go potty. We weren't near home or a rest area. But, there were plenty of outhouses since a lot of the houses were still under construction.

So, she decides to use one.

And I decide to ram the outhouse with my car.

While she's in it.

Uh huh, I did.

So, yesterday...we thought this would be an uneventful trip. Boy, were we wrong.

We go get coffee, her-an iced, non-fat, vanilla latte. Me-an iced, hazelnut breve. mmmm. That has no relevance to the story. Just thought I'd tell you the kind of coffee we drink...

We leave the coffee stand, we're catching up on the latest and greatest events of each others' lives, we get on the freeway. The ol' 'Possum picks up to 70 mph quite nicely and then it happens.

My bedliner flies out of my pickup.

Uh huh, it did.

The car behind me flies into the other lane so as not to get hit. We pull over to the shoulder and stop. It took me a sec to kinda soak in what just happen. And Melissa says no trip is complete without something like this happening. Good thing I'm a Pro Reverser. I put my skillz back into action. This is what we saw.


It was off the road pretty far. Luckily, it didn't hit anyone and luckily, it didn't go over the fence. Would have made it more difficult to pick up and put back in.

Oh, and here's a picture of Melissa.

We loaded it back up, turned on the flashers and proceeded at about 30 mph on the freeway. We took the next exit and took the bedliner back home. Josh looked a little bewildered as to why we were returning so early. I informed him we should take the bedliner out before it escapes again. His eyes grew.

We took it out and continued with our trip. Pretty uneventful after that.

However, I scored an outfit for pretty cheap. A maternity shirt, no, I'm not pregnant (that's another post in itself), but it's cute and comfy and a skirt to match. Along with some boots that were only $8.49!!

Yep, that was our trip. I love stuff like that. And I love my digital camera. Melissa recorded it and will be sending it my way.

I promise to share with you, as well.

Pink Push-Up Bra

So, last night I'm on the phone with my friend Melissa. She tells me a story that wasn't really funny, not at all. But she's the type of girl that no matter what the news she's telling and in this case it wasn't the greatest news, she can still have ya laughing. Laughing so hard that at one point I spit ice cream all over my bed.

Seriously, all over it.

But I'm pretty upset. Because no matter how hard I try I'll never be able to relay the story to you and keep it as funny. Me telling it would not make you spit your ice cream all over your bed. But it was funny. I had to give the phone to Josh because I couldn't breathe I was laughing and choking so hard.

So, I'll just tell you that her story involved a trip to the doctor. Where she unknowingly would have to get into a gown and if she had known that she most likely wouldn't have worn her brand new, lacy, hot pink, push-up bra from Victoria's Secret. And if she'd known they were going to give her drugs to make her woozy, she probably would have eaten breakfast so that way she wouldn't be holding a little kid sized juice box when the hottie PA, Frank, comes walking in with his beautiful, perfect self and his beautiful, perfect teeth. And Frank doesn't like elevator music, Frank (even with the name) busts out with some Red Hot Chili Peppers music. Because Frank is cool. And even with her boobs pushed up to her chest Melissa can see that.

But that's not what made me spit out my ice cream. What made me spit out my ice cream was when she tells me that they tell her she needs to sleep on her stomach and she tells me she's a little afraid of SIDS.

Yep, ice cream. all. over. the. bed.

Just some more jibber jabber.

I don't mind if you are a because I am one, too. I visit quite a few blogs without leaving comments. For various reasons. They don't know me, I don't know them. Maybe they wonder how I found their blog. Will they think my comment is retarded? I don't have anything to say. The list could go on and on.

But, I just want ya to know, I love comments!!! Whether I know you or not! And heck-ola, tell me how ya found me.

Next subject-

I took a picture of my appendix-less tummy for you. No, don't worry, you don't have to cover your childrens' eyes, I'm not going to show you. The glare from my stretch marks made the picture not turn out too well. Bummer.

Bet you're pretty disappointed, huh?

Modesty

So, for awhile now, I've been having an inner dilemma of sorts. I've discussed it a little with my mom and some with my mother in law.

Dresses.

There are women I know (okay, don't know but know thru blogging) that wear dresses only. It's starting to appeal to me.

Maybe because I'm 20 lbs overweight or maybe because I'm getting sick to death of seeing these scantily clad girls and women on the streets and on tv. It's distracting for men. I feel so bad for my husband who tries so hard to keep himself pure by not looking at these girls who flaunt what they've got and sometimes what they don't got.

As girls we don't have the first clue how difficult it is for a boy or a man when it comes to this issue. Because for the most part, as women, we aren't visually stimulated. (Except at 9 pm on Thursday nights!)

I'm not saying I'm going to run out and buy a bunch of dresses, I'm not there yet. But I'm definitely more aware of my clothes and Jaylee's clothes. I know she's little but I want to create a desire in her heart to want to be modest. I just don't know how to go about it. If I ever lose these 20 lbs and am able to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes, there are a lot of shirts I will have to throw away and most likely some jeans.

It's difficult to think about doing though, throwing away my favorite clothes!? Clothes have always been an expression of who I am or what I'm feeling. I went through a "hick" phase in High School and wore Wranglers and Ropers. I went a little vintage for awhile. Each day I'd wear what suited the mood. I think it's still possible for me to do this and be modest though.

This struggle I've been having has been going on for a few months. I see a woman that is nicely dressed, for the most part I wouldn't think anything of it, jeans, shirt, shoes. But I looked at it from my husbands point of view. Tight jeans, fitted shirt. Automatically his eyes would want to wander. I don't want that and I don't want to cause that, whether I'm overweight or at my goal weight.

So, there's my dilemma. Any thoughts, anyone?

blah blah blah

Nothing to say. Not a single, gosh-darned thing. I'm not taking my painkillers today, so my ramblings today are my own!

Talked to the husband about the tattoo I want. Thinking it's not going to happen. I'm a little sad but trying to be good about it. Told him I wouldn't get it if he didn't want me to and at this point, it's a no go.

I can be good, right? I don't have to be angry at him, right? It's not like my life is over because I can't get one, right?

Pfft. Right...

Anyway, new rambling subject...


In May, the girls that were in my wedding and myself are going to have a lil get together for an entire weekend! I can't remember the last time we were all together to just sit and hang out. So, very excited! Josh and I got engaged while I was still in High School, so these girls have been my friends for so long! There were 5 of us and one day we decided we needed a name, we decided on "Quads" but realized that meant 4. So, we became the Quads plus one. So, whoever was the outcast for the moment ended up being "The One" And in this picture, they just informed me, I was The One.

We're all at different stages in our lives but no matter how long we've been apart, we can pick up as if it's only been a few days since we've seen each other. I love these girls and cannot wait to spend so much time with them!

Some random things I remember about the times we were together:

1. TPing Ledgerwoods house and having his booming voice on my answering machine the next morning.
2. Trevor Miller's house, need I say more?
3. Getting pulled over with 4090 million rolls of TP in the car.
4. Deciding whether or not we should run the mile post marker over or not.
5. Forking Bible verses in the Bellinger's yard.
(Did all these happen on the same night?)
6. Mexico trips.
7. Church camp, Cabin 2.

Just to name a few.

Love you guys and can't wait for May!

*So, Michelle...is it the same dress?!

Tattoos

Okay, so I have 2 of them. One I love and one I got out of rebellion, out of raw emotion. It was the five year anniversary of my dad's death and I decided, spur of the moment, to go get a tattoo (never, ever do that). It's Japanese or Chinese Hieroglyphics when translated say (or is supposed to say) "to mourn my father." Not sure if it actually says that because really...when you go into a tattoo parlor, you just never know.

I don't want to say that I regret the tattoo. I don't. I regret where I put it. I put it on my left arm up by my shoulder. At the time I wanted to make a statement. Something sorta like this:
"I did this. You can't stop me. I miss my dad and I'm going to prove it everyday from here on out. I don't care if it offends you."

Josh didn't want me to get it. But I was going through a dark time in my life where what he thought or said was of no importance to me. I remember calling him while I sat and waited for my appointment. I could hear the defeat in his voice. He knew it didn't matter what he said-I'd still get the tattoo. So, he said nothing.

And I got my tattoo.

I got one a year before that on my lower back. That I love. I don't regret it all just wish I could see it more! :)

So, the reason for this post is because my sister just got another tattoo today and I've been wanting another one and her going in today, is really giving me the itch!

The flower at the top of the page is most likely what I'll be getting. I'm going to put it on my left foot and it'll be pink. I thought of putting Jaylee's name through it but probably won't in case we end up having more kids. Wouldn't wanna go back in just to put their name on! :)

There you go, more ramblings from my narcotic haze.

Pain Killers

I'm on them. I like them. I think I've found a new best friend. :)

So, you are warned this post most likely will make no sense. As I'm typing my head is spinning and I feel quite dizzy. It's like most days really but this time I can blame it on the drugs!

I have nothing to write about really. So, I'm just going to jabber.

Yesterday, since Josh was home all day, he took it upon himself to deep clean the bathroom. He removed everything from the bathroom, then scrubbed and scrubbed until he could see his cute face in the toilet bowl, the sink and the shower. He cleaned the kitchen and then moved a king sized bed upstairs that we got from Amber. So, if you ever need a place to stay, you're more than welcome to stay here and you'll have a king size bed! Very fun. I just realized though, you better bring your own sheets as I don't have any that big yet.

I'm still working on my scrapbook area. I'm looking forward to showing you pictures of what it looks like when it's all pretty. Then I won't want to touch it because it'll get messed up. :)

It's a beautiful day today. Wishing I felt up to doing some yard work. Seems winter is dragging on and on. I can't wait for Spring and Summer. We buy a couch from a thrift store for the summer to put on our deck and then it goes to the dump at the end of the season. I'm looking forward to evenings on the deck with our "new" couch.

Today I changed the bedding in Jaylee's crib, rearranged her room, cleaned out her closet, decorated for St. Patrick's day, and started some laundry. I'm sure I'll regret it later but for now I feel good about what I've gotten done.

I have three areas on my tummy that are bandaged up and it is driving me crazy not being able to see what's underneath. On Monday my doctor will take the bandages off. I hope I have scars. I love scars.

Have I rambled enough? I'm sure I have. Sorry for the nonsense.

A Blizzard, a Nasty Motel, and a Little Appendicitis

I had a good weekend, how 'bout you?

My sister, Megan, her husband, Jerry and Sugar and I headed to Colorado Wednesday morning. We're five hours into our trip and Megan takes Jerry's place as driver. Jerry just had a root canal, so he took a Vicadin to help him sleep while we drove. About 30 minutes into her leg of driving, it begins to hail. She's not driven in anything like that before, so she hands the wheel over to me. Not 30 minutes into my leg of driving, we hit a blizzard.

I'm a little panicked. Okay...a lot panicked. I'd love for Jerry to take over but he seems a little out of it due to the Vicadin. (Our first clue was when he told us to wave bye bye to the sun because it was the last time we'd see it for the day) So, I continue on. Staying close to the rig in front of me because it's the only thing I can see. After an hour of feeling so claustrophobic we decided to get a motel, get some rest and then head home the next day. There would be no funeral attendance by the four of us.

We pull off into a small town, get the last room in a very sleazy motel, order some pizza and try to not to think about all the commotion going on outside of our room. Let me see if I can describe a little of what this place was like:

First thing we notice was a hole in our wall going into the next room. Duct tape holding the air conditioner into the room. Mold growing in the bathroom. Duct tape holding the windows in the bathroom. A mirror in the room bigger than both beds put together. We were a little nervous to sleep under the covers but we did it anyway.

The next day was beautiful. There was snow on the road but it was gorgeous out. Sunny and blue skies. Part of me wanted to head to Colorado but part of me just wanted to be home with my husband. Jerry and Megan wanted to head home too. I was bummed. I really wanted to be there with my stepdad and sister and the family that I haven't seen in 20 years.

So, we go home. I talk to Josh about possibly flying to Colorado for the funeral and he agrees to go with me. We find some fairly cheap tickets but instead of jumping on the deal we decide to sleep on it and decide in the morning. This is a rare thing for us, so I know it was totally the Lord.

We went out for Mexican food and when we came home I realized I wasn't feeling the greatest. I figured I must have eaten something I shouldn't have.

I woke up around midnight in so much pain. It was starting to feel like whatever was hurting inside wanted to kill me. We called the 800 number off our insurance card only to be told all nurses were busy and would get back to us later. I couldn't wait. Josh and I woke Sugar up at 2 am and left for the ER.

They ask me my pain level on a scale of 1-10. I told the guy, I've had a baby without drugs, so I guess I'll have to call this pain an 8. They admit me, check me out, feel a warm spot on my belly and...

Sure enough, they tell me I have, "The Appendicitis."

Isn't God so good? Because if not for the blizzard, I would have been 1300 miles from home in the hospital, away from my husband, who is the only person that can take care of me.

I went in for surgery about 12 hours after I went into the ER. Everything went great and they let me come home yesterday.

It just amazes me how the Lord works sometimes. Ya know?

So, I am supposed to be taking it easy. Which means I wasn't even supposed to climb the dumb stairs to get up here to tell you all about this. But I didn't want you to think I'd left ya!

Might be a couple of days before I'm back again. Thanks for sticking with me!

God is soooo Good!!!

to my dear friends, Dan and Candee!!! They are going to have a baby!!!

So excited for you guys, I know how much you've been praying for this little one.

Love you guys!

I'm going to be gone

for a few days. Good thing I was blogger happy yesterday since I won't be posting til next week! :)

My grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday, so my sister and brother-in-law and Jaylee and I are driving to Colorado to spend time with family. If you could keep us in your prayers as we drive, I'd sooo appreciate it.

It'll be fun to see family I haven't seen in about 20 years and I'm looking forward to Jaylee meeting my grandma. Sad that sometimes a death in the family is the only way to get everyone together.

Take care, see you next week!

You're not as bad as you think you are

This may be longwinded. You've been warned.

Have you done some terrible things in your life? Things only you know? Have you done things you're even scared to confess to the Lord?

Me too.

This isn't an easy post to write. Not at all. But when I started my blog I wanted it to be somewhat of a ministry. Not sure it's been that but maybe it has its moments.

And maybe this will be one of its moments.

I've screwed up. I've sinned. I've hurt family and friends. And it seems to haunt me. I know I'm forgiven. 1 John 1:9 tells me so. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
However, there are days when the evil one just likes to pester me. Likes to just tell me over and over that because of the sin in my life there is no way I can be a Christian. That I can't be a good wife or a good mother. He tells me that I'll never be able to serve Jesus because of my past.

I've told you about my funks I get in. They almost always start when I let my devotions slide. Once Jesus isn't number one on my list of priorities, Satan knows I'm weak.

On Sunday, Pastor Tony preached 1 Peter 3:1-6. Wives submitting. Having a gentle and quiet spirit. The whole time I'm thinking, "I'm not gentle and I'm most definitely not quiet! How can I do this, Lord?!" And while I'm doubting myself, the evil one steps in again and tells me that this can't be me. I will never be this woman who is precious in the sight of God.

After church, I was a little down. Didn't say much to Josh. I don't like telling him that I get lost in my own thoughts during service. Embarrassed to admit I sometimes don't hear the entire sermon because I have conversations in my head. A lil embarrassed to be admitting it to you! But, this is on my heart so heavily to share, so there you have it. Sometimes during service I don't hear the entire sermon! Feels good to get that out there!

Anyway. Moving on.

We're in bed last night and before we shut out the lights, out of nowhere Josh mentions Paul. Says how he thinks it's just amazing that sometimes we feel bad about ourselves and the things we've done. That even though God doesn't measure sin, we as humans still measure sin (ours and others). We see a lie as a sin but a murder as a bigger sin. So, Josh says that no matter what we've done, we can still be effective for the Lord.

Because look at Paul. Paul killed Christians!

And then became one!

You may have done some terrible, awful things in your life. Maybe even today. But Jesus forgives. He died for all sin. Yours and mine. Don't let the things of your past haunt you and eat you alive.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Cor. 5:17

Your past has passed away.

You are new.

You are precious in the sight of God.

On the Defense

I was informed on Sunday that "we" need to get our home more organized. My first reaction?

Defensive.

I've noticed people (I) usually only get defensive when they've (I've) been approached about something they (I) already knew was an issue.

The husband has decided we're going to work from top to bottom in our house.

Literally.

We have three floors. An upstairs room that houses the computer, a bed or 3, toys, junk and my scrapbook "stuff" I put it in quotes because I'd like to call it something else at this point. This what it looks like right now. Can't believe I'm showing you.

I tell him I need something for my tools.

His head perks. I said the "T" word.

So, last night, we went and got this bad boy to take care of my organizational issues. Cheaper than anything I've seen in the scrapbook world for organizing.

We looked online before we went in the store to get it. It was a clearance item. Regularly $189.99 on clearance for $129.99. This was my husbands idea. I thought it was a little expensive but he wanted to do it. We get to the store, she rings up $68.97!!! Woo Hoo! It's the little things like this that make me realize He's smiling down and caring about the little things in my life.

I'll show you the area after it's all prettied up.

Unattended Children

This is what happens when you set your child in her chair while you are preparing dinner.

So, I take her picture then get after her.

Donkel Tubes and Gumps

For Valentine's Day, Josh bought Jaylee some balloons. She loved them. She'd go around the house saying "baahhloooon" and she was quite proud of herself for learning a new word.
A few days later when I was getting ready to take a shower (meaning, I was stripping,)Jaylee was in the room with me and points at "them" and says "baahhloooon."

Lovely.

I tell Amber about it. She gets a good laugh. But a few days later has a story of her own. Her 3 year old was in the room when she was changing and has a much more scientific term about Amber's balloons. She calls them Donkel Tubes.

Oh, it doesn't end there. A few days later I post this picture of Josh and me on my MySpace:

Amber and her daughter are lurking on my MySpace her little girl says that Josh has nice Gumps. Amber says "I thought those were Donkel Tubes."

Nope. Boys have Gumps.

I love it. I love the imagination a 3 year old has and I cannot wait for Jaylee to start making up retarded words like that! I'd like to say that I'm going to write them all down and have them to one day black mail her with but I'm sure I won't get around to writing them all.

So, tell me...what silly things have your kids said?

Slide Show of My Dad

I've mentioned in previous posts about my dad. But for anyone who may be new to my blog, let me share a bit. Not sure why, but I'm feeling a lil sentimental today.

My parents were never married, I lived with my mom and saw my dad on the occasional weekend. We moved closer to him when I was in High School, so I got to see more of him. He was a Graphic Arts Designer and owned his own business. After Josh and I got married I would go to his shop (my Grandpa's garage) and work with him. Basically I just watched and looked forward to going out to lunch! :) It was during this time that we actually got to know each other. In July of '99 Josh and I went on a vacation to Disneyland and then to San Diego for our first anniversary. Two nights before we were to come home my mom calls our hotel to inform us my dad had passed away. He was floating the river with some friends and their boat flipped. I've said before I don't know all that happened and don't care to. But I do know he wasn't wearing his life jacket and he didn't know how to swim.

I am so thankful to Jesus for that last year I got to spend with him.

A little about him:
He was funny. He was loyal. He had an infectious laugh. He was smart. He was athletic. He kinda spoke with a southern drawl even though he was from Washington State. He loved beer. He loved his family. He loved his friends. He loved softball. He was a die hard Huskies fan. He was always there to lend a helping hand.

To know him, was to love him.

Grey's Recap

*yaaawning*

I'm sorry to say that last night's episode was a pretty sorry one. Part of me felt like I was watching Days of Our Lives. (sorry Amber)

But here's my recap in a nutshell. A very small nutshell.

Meredith admits to Denny, yes the dead guy, she kinda wanted to just drown.
Izzie and Callie have it out about George. Callie wins with some hurtful words.
Christina "deals" with the situation by buying out the 99 cent store. (thought I was gonna die over that one, too funny)
Burke finds a pretty drunk Christina and tells her she needs to say goodbye to her friend. Her person.
Derek tells off Ellis.
Ellis dies.
After a million hours with no brain or heart activity Meredith comes back with Christina at her side.
Addison watches Derek and Meredith together and tells McSteamy Derek never felt that way about her, he tells her he did. (Think this was the best part of the whole show.)
She tells him to go without women for 60 days and maybe, just maybe they can work it out.
Izzie kinda sorta tells George she's sorry. He walks out.

For those of you who watched, yes this is a rough version of what happened, but like I said, I found last night's show to be pitiful. A quote from one of my friends this morning, (I'll leave you anonymous, Amber.)

Ya, I wasn't on the edge my seat for the entire hour, I didn't yell at my husband when he walked in front of the TV, and I most certainly didn't have 'moist eyes' when she admitted that she quit fighting. Yep, not at all.

My Favorite Day of the Week

It's not, really. But it's my favorite TV day of the week. Don't ask me why, you already know! It's Grey's Anatomy night!!! Woo hoo!

I like traditions. So, I'm going to start a new one. Fridays will now be the official "Grey's Recap" post. It'll just be quick, I promise...

I'm going to do this because I know there are some of who have terribly abusive husbands who tie you up and leave you in the closet at the 9 o'clock hour and you miss the best show ever created.

Fridays posts are for you!

Don't say I never did nothing for ya.

My Best Friend

My mom moved us around a lot. I like to refer to her as a Gypsy. Not sure she knows this...

Anyway, it wasn't easy keeping friends because of the frequent moves. But she promised me that once she put me in High School, we wouldn't move again. She kept that promise.

So, the summer before my freshman year we moved to Grandview. I re-met Lindsey. I say re-met because we'd lived in Grandview before so I knew Linds from middle school and at one time her brother dated my aunt, so basically we could've been family.

Lindsey and I became inseparable. You couldn't have one of us without the other. This girl has been with me through it all. From the first day of High School when I was crying because I was so scared, to the drama of first heartbreaks, to the day she stood beside me as my Maid of Honor and she was a comfort when I lost my dad. There was a long period of time when I had turned my back on my faith, my family and my friends. Lindsey prayed for me. She was there the day Jaylee was born. And I know she'll always be there when I need her.

She's the friend that always understood me in High School when no one else "got" me. I loved that I could always count on her to laugh with me and on occasion at me.

So, Linds...here's to our Cross Country days, our Pow Wows at Red Apple, "gymnastics" in the field across from your house, snowsuits in the middle of the road, bike riding, "No Cars, Please," endless times on the Zipper, crossing the street in our undergarments and getting locked out of the house, quick trips to Taco Bell on our 30 minute lunch, crawling into class, Ace Ventura, an endless amount of self-portraits, graffiti in Cabin 2, and opofcopourse yopou copan't foporgopet our "op" days, the first trip to Mexico, graduation, my wedding day, your wedding day, the day Ryan was born, the day Jaylee was born and then sweet Annie.

I love you Lindsey. Happy Birthday, Best Friend.
Love, Sarina

Grey's Anatomy

If you don't watch it, this post may be a bit boring for you.

So, yes, like many of you I have an addiction. An addiction to a nighttime soap opera. I've never been so ridiculously involved in a show in my whole life. I love it. Absolutely love it. Some days I feel a little bad that I watch the show because it can be trashy. I try to make myself feel better by saying, "It's just TV, they aren't real people." Yet that all goes to pot when an episode is over and I'm bawling like a baby because I feel like they are my friends and I'm an intern too...

...am I really admitting this?

Uh huh.



Well, my friend Amber is just as (if not more so) addicted as I am. Sorry Amber, I'm going to tell them about your Grey's junkiness...

She tells me about a website she found talking about last weeks episode, Meredith being rescued by my boyfriend, er, I mean Derek. You saw the episode, I don't have to tell you about it. Anyway, the writer of this site is predicting that everything that's happened since the bomb episodes have possibly been a dream or that she's been out this whole time.

Why does she say this? Well, let me just tell you.

On Thursday when they showed previews for this coming Thursday, the clothes Derek will be wearing are the same clothes he was wearing during the bomb episode when he went to Meredith's house at the end of the show, remember...when she said she couldn't remember the last time they kissed and he started to leave but turned around and said . On Friday they showed the bomb episodes and she put two and two together.

Anyway, I'm kinda freaking out about the whole thing. Looking forward to seeing if it's actually what's going to happen.

Man, I love this show.

Happy Valentines Day!

Sisters

I hate cheesiness, it makes me gag, but sometimes, you just have to be cheesy. So, my post today may seem like that. But I don't care.

I have two younger sisters. They are four and six years younger than I am. I have a different dad than they do. While growing up, my thought was that I could have done without them. They drove me crazy. They were closer in age and closer in heart. Most of the latter was my fault. I set myself apart from them as much as possible. Why? I dunno.

Looking back, I realize I wouldn't trade all our memories for the world. But if you'd asked me that when I was 8 or 9, heck, give me a piece of candy and you could take them both!

A lot of the time we shared a room. Erica and I shared a full sized bed and Megan, even though she was the youngest, had her own. If she'd shared a bed with one of us, we'd all end up wet in the morning, so Erica and I didn't complain that we shared. :) Our bedtime was around 8 but we'd be in there laughing and talking and getting into trouble until closer to 9. Our relationship was extreme, we had lots of fun when we were having fun and we were absolutely awful to each other when we wanted to be. I wish now I'd been more loving, patient, forgiving...

During summer vacation they'd go to Seattle and spend a few weeks with their dad. Ohhh how I longed for them to leave and then...when they were gone, how I longed for them to come home. I was lonely without them. Even though we tormented each other, it just wasn't the same when they were gone.

Some of my most missed memories are times I spent with them. I miss living in the same house with them or some days I miss living in the same fifth wheel with them. :)

Even though we're adults and often still drive each other crazy, they're two of my very best friends.

Erica, Megan...I love you and wouldn't trade you for the world.

Love, Sarah Diane

I'm slow

Well, I'm not but my computer is. Remember how just a couple weeks ago I got DSL? I was totally ecstatic. Well, then my cousin suggested I download a different virus protection thingy (can you see how computer literate I am) and after d/l'ing it, my computer was slower than dial up.

Yes, slower.

I relay to him the problem, he emails me back, instructing me on all this stuff I need to check for him. I check it, get back to him. He informs me that my 128 MB of RAM is sad. He also tells me that new computers have about 2 GB of RAM. That's equivalent to 2000 MB!!! Yeah, so I need to upgrade.

Ugh. Pathetic. When I got my computer 128 MB of RAM was good.

Guess 4 years can change everything.

I wasn't the cool kid

Nope. Not ever. In fact, in case you didn't already know, I was voted "Most Likely to be seen on Jerry Springer" my Senior year of high school. Uh huh. It was printed in the Year Book. At first I thought it was kinda funny. But you know, they always vote 1 guy and 1 girl for each category. I'm dreaming that it'll be a really hot guy from school (Chris Snyder, perhaps) but no. Ohhh no. It's a guy named John and I'm not going to tell you his last name, mostly because you can find just about anyone these days on the www and I'd die if you saw who I was paired with. Seriously, this guy's a devil worshipper and completely weird. In the four years I attended high school with him, I think I heard him utter five words.

Yearbook club wanted a picture of us. So, I decided on the garbage can. I got in it, he sat on top of it. And I wonder why I didn't have boyfriends in high school...

High School was a blast for me. It was a new start. I ended my 8th grade in Selah and then started 9th grade in a new town. A new town that wasn't so new. I had been there for K, 1/2 of 2nd, 3rd, 1/2 of 5th, and 2 months of 7th grade. So, I knew most of the kids but not real well. 9th grade meant letting myself be the person I wanted to be, no matter what anyone thought. Most of the time I just wanted to make people laugh. I didn't ever do this... but I would slam myself into lockers, talk into the garbage can and yell, "Mom! I'll see you after school!" Walk thru halls I wasn't supposed to and talk loudly, then run. I must have been pretty naughty to the subs because I remember various times my 11th and 12th grade years being sent out into the hall with my desk. One substitute, who always wore her hair in this really tight bun, came out and said, "are you ready to be a part of the class now?" I was enjoying my vacation in the hall, so I replied, "nope, not yet."

I love being me. I love embarrassing myself for others enjoyment. It's a thrill really. I am 26 years old and still have not outgrown it.

Is there an age limit you think? I'm hoping not. I mean come on, my mom is forty-*** and she still does things like this.

I've got another 20 years to live this up!

The Perfect Life

Yesterday I rode with Josh on his weekly Thursday route. And while riding, I was thinking about some of the women over at CafeMom and even some that I know outside of CafeMom, that just aren't happy with "their lot in life." I have sooo been there. So much so that it almost cost me my entire family. The grass is not greener on the other side and sadly, some of us have to learn it the hard way. These words just kinda spilled out onto a piece of paper and so...I thought I would share them. Maybe, just maybe it's what you need to hear.
~Sarah

Husband and child are down for the night.
She'd like to put her feet up and let out a sigh,
yet wanders to the kitchen sink, puts her hands in the soap water and lets her mind daydream.


**************************

What if we hadn't married and welcomed a child into our lives?
I could go out dancing every Friday night, instead of waking up every time the baby cries.
I could be out climbing the corporate ladder, instead of building living room forts that only to a four year old matter.
I wouldn't have to get up early to pack my husbands lunch, I'd be able to hit snooze and for an extra nine minutes, pull the covers up.
That outfit in the window would fit me perfectly because there wouldn't be stretch marks or an extra 15 pounds on me.
I could eat my meal before it's cold and not have to wipe any runny nose.
No grease stained shirts to put through the wash or itty bitty baby socks.
I could read a magazine cover to cover without stopping to change a soggy diaper.
Dinner wouldn't have to be on the table at 5:30, instead I could eat when it suited me.

***************************

No more dishes in the sink, snapping her from her daydream.
Tip toes down the hall,
peeking from room to room, careful to make no sound at all.
Sweet faces of her husband and child are a gentle reminder, why she chose not to climb that corporate ladder.
There would be no welcome home kiss to let her man know he'd been missed.
No pudgy baby arms to wrap around her neck so tight.
No man to snuggle up with on the coldest nights.
There would be no slobbery baby kisses or first birthday wishes.
There would be no pictures decorating the fridge,
or, "Mama, look what I did!"
No family picnics at the park, no husband that melts your heart.
No, "I love you Mama," or a husband's sly smile as he says, "do ya wanna?"

**************************

As she locks each door and turns off every light, she stops and smiles.
"I have the perfect life."

'Possums and Cadillacs

Are you wondering at the title? Are you curious? Wondering why the picture? I've decided I'm going to start labeling my posts and this will most definitely be labeled Random.

Here's a story that is probably so not funny to anyone else but myself (and possibly Amber) but remember Bowling night? I had borrowed my in-laws little pick up for the evening since Holly only gets about 10 mpg. So, we're cruising in the little pick up and I show Amber that my FIL has this really cool seatbelt cover that's all fuzzy. She calls it a kitty and then out of nowhere, I tell her it's a 'possum.

We died. Seriously, tears in the eyes, rolling down our face laughter. It's been weeks and we're still laughing about it.

Well, the little pick up, now dubbed The 'Possum, is now in our possession. It's on loan until my in-laws need it again. Great except that it's a two seater.

There are three of us.

So, my husband gets this brilliant idea. We have 1972 Cadillac in our pasture. It's been there a few years. It has a bench seat in it.

It's leather.

Oh yeah, that's right The 'Possum now has a leather bench seat in it. Amber tried to start a new name for it the 'Possumillac, I relay it to Josh:

Him: Don't you think people will think we're weird if we call it the possumillac?
Me: You don't think they already do just calling it The 'Possum?
Him: Good point.

So, yesterday when I go out to the grocery store Jaylee and I are driving her around. I'm at a stop sign. Waiting for a pedestrian but he waves me to go first.

I take off and we go flying backward.

I can't see out the windshield.

I can't reach the clutch.

Jaylee's feet are in the way of the stick.

I'm in the middle of the road...

and almost peeing my pants laughing so hard.

Finally I get it together and we continue on as if nothing happened. Whew. Guess the seat wasn't bolted down...

What doesn't kill you...makes you pee just a little. (PJAL)

Plans for the Day

This is how I wanted my morning to go:

Wake up at 6
Have devotions
Make Joshua breakfast
Get Jaylee up
Change her diaper
See Josh off to work
Do breakfast dishes
Play with Jaylee
Lay Jaylee down for morning nap
Clean like a mad woman all around my house

This is how my morning has gone:

Woke up at 7
Made Josh a bagel, it got stuck in the toaster and burned, while trying to dig it out the eggs burned, too.
Josh got Jaylee up
He changed her diaper
Saw him off to work
Got on the computer
Played with Jaylee
Talked on the phone
Laid Jaylee down for a nap
Got back on the computer

Not dressed yet. Haven't brushed my teeth. I did put on deodorant but was then reminded I haven't shaved in awhile. Seriously. I've got to do something about this.

You're probably all grossed out and will never come back again.

Hmmm...maybe I shoulda told ya all this sooner! ;)

Check it out!

G'mornin!

Last week my sister sent me a link to a pretty fun site. So, I decided to join and play along. Check it out, see what ya think.

Here's my personal profile. I warned them(CafeMom viewers) that I blogged here and may duplicate posts. Just so's ya know, I might do that.

Here's Erica's.

Apology

So, there was this blog that I found a while back and I loved it. Read some of her archives and a lot of the things she talked about really spoke to me. Then she up and quit blogging for like a month! I'd check back every day, then every couple days, then slowly I stopped.

It was sad. Then, one day I decided to check again and she'd blogged.

Happy Days were here again!

I want to apologize to those of you who are faithful to stop by and read and sometimes comment. I've not been faithful at blogging these last few weeks. I mentioned before I've been in sort of a funk.

Not that I'm out of my funk completely and I'll be blogger happy but I don't want to desert you.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be funny or smart (okay, that one's pushin' it) or I feel I have to have just the right thing to say. So, I stress. I clam up. I get blogger block. Yeah, totally made that one up by myself. I AM SMART!!! :)

I think I'm just not going to worry so much. I'll just write whatever.

Lucky you, huh?

So, don't give up on me. I'm still around.

Totally freaking out!

Oh my goodness!!!!! Okay, I know I've not been around much and I'm sorry for that. I was just tired of trying to blog and have my ridiculous dial up disconnect. So, I've fixed my problem!!!

I am a DSL girl now!

*Bowing*

Holy smokes, it's so fast! I've never had DSL before, it's quite exciting. I called my husband and informed him that I was not only on the phone with him but connected to the internet as well. He played along, acting very excited for me and then says, "well great, now you can be online and on the phone!"

My response, "yes, that may happen a few times with your sister."

Seriously, sometimes we'll email each other but can't wait and we'll call and talk all about the email we just sent. It's too fun. But now, I'll be able to call her and email her all at the same time!

I'm giddy I tell you. Just. Plain. Giddy.

Placing Blame

I'm really good at placing blame on anyone or everything else. My mother will attest to this. I was very good at it when I was younger. As I've "matured" I've gotten even better!

I've told ya before how I just get in these ruts. Funks, if you will.

Yesterday was a big one.

My dishes were done. Living room clean. Most laundry taken care of. Pretty easy day and all done by 9:30 am. I called my husband and we didn't argue really...but we didn't have a merry conversation like we usually do. The rest of my day was shot.

Not because of him, even though I'd like to say it was. It was because of me.

(Aren't you proud, Mom? I accepted the blame!)

Anyway, I couldn't figure it out, even until about 15 minutes ago why I had such a "bad" day yesterday and it was actually creeping into today.

I can't remember where I heard it, I'm thinking from the pastor at the church we used to attend, but I'm not 100%. Anyway, he said, "You talk like the one you talk to. You walk like the one you walk with."

And what he was saying was, "You talk like the One you talk to and you walk like the One you walk with."

But I haven't been. I haven't been talking to Jesus lately. Nor walking with Him, really. I mean I pray of course, throughout the day. Little prayers like:

"Lord, please help me not to strangle Jaylee for the toilet paper she just unrolled in the bathroom....and living room."

or

"Please keep us safe as we drive across town, let all the idiots stay home for the next half hour."

You know, prayers like that. Not the "down on my knees spending quality time with the Lord" prayers.

So, even though I'd like to blame my sour mood on the cold weather, gas prices, neighbor's cats, 1 vehicle, etc. It's actually the fact that I haven't been walking with Him. Haven't been talking with Him. I'm reaaally good at talking at Him. Just not with Him. So, I'm going to change that.

Right now.

I'm going to take just a few minutes out of my "busy" day and talk with the Lord. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. I feel like if I don't spend an hour in prayer, why pray at all? That's not how He thinks. And I have to remind myself of that. Remember...some is better than none.

Home

I'm back. Miss me? Awww, I missed you, too! :)

I receive newsletters via email from Ali Edwards, those of you who don't know her...get outta yer cave. :) Just kidding. I don't even really know who she is, just what she does.

Scrapbooks.

I think it was last weeks eZine that talked about choosing a word. She says:

"Can you identify a single word that sums up what you want for yourself in 2007?"

At first, I thought my word was LOVE.

But the last couple of days I've been thinking I want my word to be HOME.

I've told you on a couple occasions how messy or lazy I used to be (and honestly, still am at times) but I think it's been the last two years that I've seen a change in keeping my house clean. That's how it started. Just keeping my house clean. I didn't see a change in my heart.

Until recently.

I realized this isn't just a house. It's my home. Our home. It's my responsibility and privilege to keep our home. To maintain it. To make it a place Josh dreams of during the day and can't wait to come to after a hard day at work. I'm sure I've talked about this before, I'm just not going to go into my archives to find out where.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from another post but this is just really amazing to me.

We bought our house over seven years ago. Most people turned their noses up at it, possibly still do, wondering why the heck we'd buy this place. But like Martin Luther...we had a dream. It's taken many years but our house is almost completely remodeled. Just finishing up one last project. We've made this place into a haven.

We don't have fancy furniture or wall hangings but what we have is ours and we enjoy it.

Since I've realized it's my privilege to keep this place, I've started doing it more and with a happy heart. Instead of thinking, "oh boy, better get it clean before company comes over," I'm thinking, "I want this to be a place of refuge for anyone who enters our door, especially Josh."

Is home your refuge? Your safe place? Have you made your home a place your man wants to come to after work? Is the aroma of dinner cooking, waiting for him? Are the toys picked up? Kids fully dressed? Are you dressed?

I only ask because I know it wasn't always like that here. Sometimes still isn't. Poor Josh would work hard all day, come home, ask "What's for dinner?" And there I'd be, sometimes still in pj's (like monday) and I'd shrug. The kitchen and living room in disarray. And I could see his spirit fall. I'm sure he was wondering why he'd gone to work and busted his butt all day when I did nothing in return.

It's different now. I'm not saying everyday food is waiting the second he arrives but I'm trying. I'm not always dressed, why, I dunno. And the toys are sometimes still strewn throughout the house. And Jaylee will occasionally greet her daddy in just a diaper and t-shirt. However, I'm working on it. I'm learning to love and maintain our home. Making it a haven for all who enter.

Especially my husband.

I encourage you, if you haven't started yet or if you've fallen off the wagon of maintaining your home(whether you own it or not)begin. Or, begin again.

Watch the change in your husband. It doesn't take long to see how happy he is to walk in your door.

A lil Blog Vacation

I know I've had four days off...but I need a couple more.

It's been a rough few days with my little one. She's been very sick and with that she's been naughty. It's not made for a fun time. She's taking medicine that's supposed to relieve:

Coughing
Runny Nose
Sneezing

I wish it would relieve:

Coughing
Runny Nose
Sneezing
Whining
Clingy-ness
Crabbiness
and my stress headache

I was just emailing my SIL and telling her about Jaylee. Here's a part of my email to her:

"My husband made me leave the house tonight to go into town to get milk. I didn't want to go. That required getting dressed (yes, I was in my pj's all day) and it also required being cold, which I hate. But I went and it was good to get out. He knows me so well.

When I returned he informed me Jaylee had been good almost the whole time, that he'd been very firm with her and had to spank her but that she was good after that. He doesn't think I'm spanking her enough...so tomorrow my consistent training will begin. I don't know what happened, okay maybe I do...she was so good for so long that when she was naughty I didn't think much about it, so I let things slide, now she's a little monster. Anyway, I don't want people to hate being around her, the way I've felt lately, so I need to step up to the plate! I will seriously be needing those prayers! It's going to be tough, I know, but I have to do it."

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 NKJV

Nelson's commentary says this about the above verse" "The verb for train means "to dedicate," and the word for way generally refers to living correctly in God's sight. Solomon was advising parents to set their child aside for special use, to dedicate him or her to the Lord and His path. The verb train includes the idea of stimulating the child to do good-through words of guidance, discipline, and encouragement on the right path. This is a parent's main task, to receive a child as a charge from the Lord and then to dedicate the child to God's ways."

Reading that tonight made me realize that I've been failing in this area. I haven't set her aside to train her properly. We started out that way...at least I feel we did. But lately I've seriously just ignored some things that I shouldn't have.

As much as I call her my daughter, she's not actually mine. She's pretty much on loan. The Lord gave her to me, but she's His. And I will be held accountable for her and how I trained her. I want to raise her up to be a godly woman. A woman who fears the Lord. It should have started 18 months ago, but it will begin tomorrow.

Better late than never, I suppose.

I hate being the bearer of bad news

I really do. Especially when it's my husband that I have to give the bad news to.

Remember, the whole put the washer and dryer upstairs thing that he did for me? Well, today I threw in a small load, containing socks...

I'm in the kitchen, I hear a gush of water splashing on the floor. I look down, nope...not me. Next guess...washer.

I run to the laundry/scrapbook/guestroom and see water spilling out from the sheetrock. I shut off the washer. I rush to call Josh. And decided against it. Telling him then would have meant a bad rest of the day for him. He'd be worrying about it all day and it'd be the first thing he'd want to take care of when he got home.

So, I made him a nice dinner and a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting...and bad news will have to wait.

Disobedience and a Missed Blessing

Don't you hate admitting when you've done wrong?

Me, too.

But I share this with you with the prayer you can grow from my disobedience. I did.

I am, still.

Tuesday night, Josh got a phone call from a guy at work. He informs Josh he has to be at work at 6:30 a.m. An hour and a half earlier than normal.

The alarm clock is on his side. I told him to wake me up when he got up, which was going to be 5:30.

The alarm goes off. I heard it myself. He tiptoes outta bed. Quietly gets into his sock drawer. And starts to walk away.

I was awake. And as I lay there I hear...

"Get up."

Ohhh, but I don't want to.

"By serving your husband, you are serving Me."

Plugged my ears, not wanting to hear Him. I totally ignored Him. I didn't get up. I didn't make breakfast or coffee for my dear husband.

I laid there.

Selfishly.

The Lord didn't punish me. Didn't ridicule me. Didn't tell me I was lazy. Didn't tell me I was worthless.

But the enemy did. It was a battle. I asked the Lord's forgiveness for being disobedient. And...He did, He forgave me.

Yet, I was reminded that I missed out on the blessing of spending an hour of quiet time with Josh. Instead of spending time talking, laughing and enjoying each other, my husband made his own coffee, his own breakfast and sat in silence.

Alone.

I called Josh and apologized. He was completely fine with it. He's good like that. But I know it would have been a blessing for both of us if I'd just been obedient.

Praise the Lord, His mercies are new every morning!

So, I learned I need to die to myself. And have a servant heart.

You know how...

they say the washer eats socks? Well, my bed does that. I was making my bed this afternoon...I can't do it in the morning, my eyes are barely open enough to walk downstairs...anyway, if only I had a digital camera to show you.

Here's the deal: My feet are always cold. I go to bed at night with socks on. However, I refuse to sleep with socks on. Your feet need to breathe, ya know? Plus, even though the sheets are usually cold, I love the feel of them on my feet. So, after a few minutes in bed, I take my socks off. With my feet. So, when I was making my bed, I took off the trillion blankets we have going on and find...let me count them real quick...2 white pairs, 1 black pair, 1 random black and 1 random white sock at the bottom of the bed.

It made me laugh. I so wanted to be able to show you. But if I took a picture now and then when I develop it next millenium it probably won't be as funny. Hey Kristie, remember when you talked about not having a corkscrew...and remember what I did...hmmm... hehehe just kidding, but thought it was funny anyway. ;)

Revision

After telling my mom about posting my most embarrassing moments, she asks, "did you tell them these?" So, I revised my MEM.

Enjoy.

My Weekly Schedule

In an effort to be more organized I've made a weekly task list. I love to make lists. And I really liked this one. I have it in a binder, each day in a clear page protector so I can see it.

If you're looking to get organized, maybe this will help you, too. Modify it to the needs of your household.

Sunday

• Church
• Lunch at Costco, for $3.31 we get a hot dog, piece of pizza and unlimited refills on a drink. This is great!
• Clip coupons from Sunday paper
• RELAX!!!

Monday

• Laundry Day, fold and put away
• Plan weekly menu, this includes breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks.
• Clean out Fridge
• Wipe Down Cupboards, Counters and Mop Kitchen Floor.

Tuesday

• Grocery Shopping(I found our local Safeway marks meat down lowest on Tuesdays, so that's why I choose Tuesdays to shop.)
• Lucky # Tuesday at Bi-Mart. If you have one in your area, go on Tuesday! Check your #, if you didn't win, leave! Don't be fooled into sticking around and spending money you normally wouldn't have spent.
• Vacuum and Dust, Living Room, Bedrooms, Upstairs

Wednesday

• Bake Bread
• Clean up outside: front porch, sliding glass doors, under carport.

Thursday

• Clean out Holly(our suburban) Vacuum, Dust, Wash Windows
• Send cards or letters to family and friends. I've decided that on this day I'm going to send a card or letter to a couple of people. I know I love to get "snail mail" so I'm going to send some. I think it just might make someones day.

Friday

• Wash Bedding and Bathroom Towels
• Check Budget
• Scrapbook (my mom usually takes Jaylee on Friday for the day, so I thought this would be a good time to spend a couple of hours getting caught up on my scrapbook.)
• Clean Bathroom: Starting with the toilet, sprinkle some Comet and then close the lid. Sprinkle Comet in the tub, leave it. Wash the mirror. PineSol the sink and countertop. Sweep. Go back to tub and toilet, scrub-a-dub-dub! When finished, mop and put fresh towels out.

Saturday

• SMT
• Work on Home Projects
• Visit Family, I've decided we need to designate a day of the week to visit family. Whether it works out or not-we'll have to see. I've just noticed it's hard to visit during the week. We enjoy being home in the evening, so it's hard for us to get out. I think having Saturday be extended family day is a good idea. I'll let ya know how it goes.
• Prepare Sunday dinner.

Heart Issue

Seeing as how my last post was funny, I thought I'd make this one...not so funny. Gotta balance it out, don't ya know?

With the New Year and all, and my bajillion resolutions, one of them was to lose 20 lbs. Ugh.

I had a baby 18 months ago. I can't blame this on her. She's a year and a half for crying out loud. How I would loooove to blame it on being baby weight. But...it isn't.

My weight was never a struggle for me until Josh and I got married. Ooooh, I'll blame him. Okay...maybe that's not so good, either. Anyway, I did the whole birth control thing and ballooned up. Within about 6 months of our blissful newlywedness I had gained 30 lbs. On a 5'2" frame...that's not very pretty.

For four years I whined, cried and complained about it. My SIL started the Weigh Down Diet and was successful in losing weight. So, I finally got sick of myself complaining about being overweight and tried it out. Some of you may or may not have heard about Weigh Down. It's the diet that's not a diet. You aren't deprived of all the foods you love. You can eat anything you want. Yes...anything. Chocolate. Bread. Meat. Whatever. Just as long as you're hungry for it. And as long as you don't eat it until your zipper bursts on your pants...or your elastic in your sweats doesn't bust.

It's the easiest and most difficult non-diet there is. When you don't have any restrictions, ya freak. It's hard to trust yourself to eat the chocolate but it's so freeing to know that you don't have to give up those favorite foods.

Well, in 2002 I was successful at losing 35 lbs. I loved it. I felt great. Then two years later, I get pregnant and gain 52 lbs! UGH-ola!

I lost quite a bit of it after Jaylee was born. But I still have a good 20 to go. It's been a huge struggle. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually.

This last weekend we were in Portland for New Year's and we went to the mall. There was a store that I fell in love with but didn't want to buy "fat" clothes. So, I bought none. I decided right then I was going to go back to the Weigh Down non-diet and lose these 20 lbs. Oh, it's only been two days and I'm panicking.

The fear of failure is wrapping itself so tightly around my heart. Gwen Shamblin, author of Weigh Down, says that we eat to fill a void. Some of us just eat to fill the void in our stomachs (thin people) others eat to fill a void in their heart (me).

A void.

In my heart.

I know what it is. I just hate admitting it.

The void in my heart is my time with the Lord. Instead of being hungry for more of Him and time spent with Him, I've been "hungry" for food. It's filling the void. But it's causing me to be overweight in the process. And it's making me miserable. I don't have any clothes to wear because I refuse to buy any. I'm afraid to go out in public because I don't want anyone to stare at me or laugh at me. I don't feel I deserve my husband's physical attention. See? I'm miserable. And I've brought in on myself.

I did really well today though. I ate only when I was hungry and I stopped when I was politely full. It's a good feeling.

When I screwed up yesterday I was so stinkin' mad at myself. This morning when I woke up I wanted to quit even before I started. But ya know what? God is so good. He whispered to me, speaking the words I so needed to hear.

"My mercies are new every morning."

Isn't that the coolest?

Well, I bared my heart. Made myself vulnerable. But I think it's going to help me. It'll help me to be accountable to you. I'll share with you my journey. My ups and my downs. I know there will be many.

I'm just thankful He's with me each step of the way.

So, if you happen to be feeling this way too, take heart. We can do this together.

Most Embarrassing Moments

Why I've decided to go for public humiliation in this post is beyond me but I thought it'd be fun anyway. Never know, just might make one of ya PYP. (pee your pants)

Most likely not...but still...I like to make you chuckle every now and again.

Not sure which of these are more embarrassing than the other, so I'm going to list them randomly. They came to me the other day. Most of the time I can't think of an embarrassing moment because, let's face it, there are too many to count to remember them all.

Guess the ones I remembered have left a scar.

Oh...I could list them chronologically. Good idea, Sarah. Oh, thank you.

1. The summer of '96, when I was 16 my boyfriend at the time, Eric and I are sitting on the couch talking with my mom when all of a sudden my sisters come flying in the door, screen slamming behind them. Megan, the youngest and 10 at the time yells, completely outta breath, "Mom, will they took food stamps for candy?!"

Oh how I wanted to crawl under the couch. Eric just looked at me. I shrugged. Yup, we're on welfare, I thought. Lovely.

2. Can't remember when this happened, but I know I was in high school. I'm hoping that I'm not the only one this has happened to...I wake up late for school one morning, throw on a shirt and a pair of jeans that were balled up on the floor. I'm in class, sitting in my chair and I feel something crawling down my leg. I panic and freak out-just sure a huge, scary, black spider is going to come crawling out. I start shakin' my leg all over the place. Kids around me are giving me strange looks. Finally the huge, scary, black spider comes out. Except it's not a huge, scary, black spider.

Nope.

It's my underwear.

Man, I loved high school.

3. Oh...this is a good one. To tell it I have to tell you a story first. Don't worry, it's not too terribly long. My mom, sisters and I have lived in many towns, cities and of course houses. Many of them have names. "Fifth Wheel" "Icky House" "Cedar St." "The Donut House" etc. Well, when we lived in the Icky House we didn't have a washer and dryer. Enough said about that house. So, on with my embarrassing moment.

I was 16 when I met Josh, my husband. Like I said in Tidbits, I knew I was going to marry him when I saw him. So, I wanted my family to make a good impression on him. But it's hard when you have a Megan. (in case you read this dear sister of mine, I love you, I love you, I love you) One cold night, we were sitting at the table drinking hot chocolate, horrifying him with the stories of all the houses we lived in. Just as Josh takes a drink of his hot chocolate Megan says, "and remember, Mom, in the Icky House how we used to have to turn our underwear inside out so we'd have a clean pair?"

Needless to say, he choked on his cocoa.

And you were beginning to wonder why he married me.

4. This isn't too bad, but it still embarrassed me. This fall Jaylee was pretty sick. She'd been throwing up all night and into the next day. I'm not big, panicky mom or anything but I didn't know what was wrong with her. I called the doctor and they told me to bring her in as soon as possible. I realized I hadn't gotten dressed yet so I throw on a hooded Gap sweatshirt with pockets in the front, a pair of jeans, slap my hair up in a pony and we head out the door.

We check in, receptionist tells us to take a seat. We sit down. I go to put my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt but can't.

Why?

Because it's on inside out. That's right. Bet the receptionist wondered what brand Pag was.

If only she'd been cool like me.

There you have it. A few embarrassing moments in the life of Sarah Lee.

*This post has been edited to give you even more enjoyment of my public humiliation

At age ohhh, I'd have to say 8, we were going to have corn on the cob (or, as my sisters used to say, corn and the cob) My mom, being the wonderful teacher that she is, told me how to husk corn. So, this is what I did:

I put a paper bag over my head.
Then I spun around several times.

This is what she did:

Laughed hysterically.

Then, a year later we had to go to ShopKo. It was winter outside...a cold winter. We had a Mustang hatchback with leather seats. Possibly pleather, I dunno. Anyway...so, we are in ShopKo and I had a few dollars my mom had given me to buy her a gift, she was nice like that, so we split up. While I was on my own, I realized I had to go potty. Real bad. I was looking all over for my mother. Why I wasn't looking for a restroom...I have no idea. I looked for her all over the place. By the time I found her, I'd wet my pants. Seriously, 9 years old and I peed myself.

Oh, it gets better. She was very sympathetic, we got out to the car and she assured me it was okay. Blah, blah, blah. We get to our apartment, I get up off the seat, (remember...it's winter) and steam comes rolling up off the seat. She lost it. Guess her sympathy ended there. I think she laughed harder than when she taught me to husk corn.